Last night I had a nightmare, there were frenetic voices angrily trying to convince me of my fate and failure. It reminded me of a horror movie in which the voices can be faintly heard in an radio amidst the static and they grow louder and draw you in. It also reminded me of the video simulation I saw of what it's like to be schizophrenic. In the nightmare I used the FLP method (Faith-Love Principle) that Fr. Charlie taught and I took deep breaths to Je-sus' name and retreated like a child into the safety of the Father's embrace. I woke suddenly out of the dream and was not afraid to go back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning there was a song in my head, it was the Phil Pillips song "Sea of love". I never cared much for this song so it felt as if the song were being placed there. As I prayed and kept falling back to sleep and getting confused, the song just kept repeating, "Come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love. I want to tell you how much I love you." I thought of the embrace of God and quit trying to pray in words and just drifted into contemplation.

As the morning progressed my thoughts seemed to sequentially rotate through my shortcomings of judgement, anger, lust, and anxiety, over my wife's actions, the women I see, and my fears about school. But, instead of using the technique that I usually employ to replace my thinking, the song would just come back to mind and I would let it go, "Come with me, my love..."

When I sat down with my children for morning prayers my son started telling me that he had a bad dream. He said that he had learned to realize that he was in a dream and to wake himself up. I used this as an example for them all as to why we pray for protection in our sleep and help with our thinking, behavior, and outlook on life.

I had to take the math assessment test again this morning. I knew that I was not prepared. I felt that I needed to turn away from my injunctions. The kids got fed and off to school early so I was able to watch some instructional videos in preparation. Surprisingly, I enjoyed thinking about math and actually felt better prepared. However, when I took the test I did not pass again. As I walked back to my truck I felt anxious over the prospect of having to manage all the classes and I felt like a failure. At the stoplight, I felt the cascade of self pity starting and I sought divine help to stop it. The song returned and my thoughts drifted to the seaside and then to a blissful light looking up through the corals in the ocean.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting. A friend who is carless called me and we rode together. We talked about the process of admitting personal powerlessness and seeking divine help to replace our self-defeating thoughts. We also talked about the good things that have come as the fruits of the spiritual life.

Back at home the kids were watching the movie "Finding Nemo" again, I joined them. As we watched the ocean scenes, the sea-life, and fauna, I watched my wife and kids laugh at the funny parts, hide during the scary parts, and cry in the emotional parts. My thoughts drifted into the song again, "Come with me, my-y love, to the sea, the sea of love. I want to tell you just how much I love you."

Tomorrow is my biological birthday and my 7-year sobriety anniversary,
Thanks be to God.