This Saturday morning I had some important thoughts during morning meditation but I got so busy right away that I was not able to record them and I eventually forgot. It was a very busy day…

Right now my daughter just woke up hungry and my wife is asleep. I have to forgo this journal once again to feed her. It's frustrating; I am very concerned about not having time to review mental state. It is getting to be less and less consistent, and I am a strong believer in this practice as critical to my sobriety.

(resumed later)
In the morning we had our first baseball practice with my oldest son at 9:00 am. I got up at the usual time and fed the kids. I was irritated that my wife stayed in bed until I had to get her up. As a result, my son and I ran later than I would have liked, but it turned out okay as the head coach was late himself. I reminded myself that I make myself irritable, my wife does not. My feelings are not a result of her actions, but rather of my own making.

We got started and right away I noticed a boy who was completely new and unskilled, to the extent that it was dangerous. He didn't know how to catch and really just did not have adequate reaction abilities to catch a ball thrown from a 9 year old kid. I had to stand and monitor him and train him basic skills. At one point the coach's son had a runny nose and was throwing with my son so I grabbed a towel and handed it to him. While I was doing that, a kid threw a ball to the boy who could not catch, and it hit him right in the ribs. He was hurt, but not seriously. I felt guilty for having turned away.

I was very proud of my son's skills and his conduct. I gave a lot of positive verbal reinforcement to the other boys; I didn't say anything to my son because I don't want it to go to his head. The other coaches gave him great feedback.

After practice I had to go to our Parish fair and man the football toss booth. My son and I had a great time doing this service and I was grateful to get to spend time with my fellow parishioners. By the time I got home I felt like I had heatstroke with a headache and nausea. I tried not to let this idea proliferate in my thoughts and I tried my best to rest and cool off before the next practice.

I took the Irish twins to their practice at 2:00 PM. I was worried as to my young ones lack of skills when some other kids seemed to be better. But as the practice transpired I was very proud of them for their effort and attitude, especially my daughter at her first practice. She was cute and persevered in the intense heat. They caught, threw, hit, and ran very well for 5 year olds.

By the time we came home I was exhausted. I worried about not studying for my pending math assessment. At this point I think there is no way I will be able to pass it. I wish that I would have just taken the 16 week class. I really had to work to change my attitude to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow. Just think it through for planning if necessary, but resist worry.

My wife volunteered to work a booth in the evening. Surprisingly after she left I felt better and became motivated to take the children to the fair. We had a great time playing the games and listening to music and eating treats, even though I constantly had to monitor and corral three children. I felt like an octopus. Meanwhile my oldest was off running around with his friends.

We were coming to the close of a great family day when something terrible happened. My oldest son was very wound up and he was impatiently trying to play the putting game. I had to stop him and direct him to be patient. I was standing right behind him when he decided to take a full swing at the ball as if he were driving it. He made contact, and it flew up, and ricocheted off a tree onto a picnic table. It nailed a teenage girl right between the eyes on the bridge of the nose.

I was horrified and immediately admonished my son with a barrage of words. I loomed over him and got right into his face. I grabbed him by the shirt and marched him over to the table to see what he had done and to apologize to the girl. It was a very scary situation, and for all I knew she had a broken nose. I was infuriated, and sat him down on the ground for a bit, and then took him home. As we rode home in the truck I resisted berating him further and chose to let myself cool off and think it through.

When I got home I realized that the whole way home I had been thinking about how my dad would have handled it. I went through a flashback of thoughts of the times I had done something similar as a child and had been punished severely. Many times the punishment worked and I would later associated my unruly behavior with the events and modify my conduct. But something about it didn't sit right with me and I felt it was equally consequential in destroying my relationship with my dad.

My anger didn't subside much but I resisted haranguing my son and resisted thoughts of corporal punishment. I felt that he did not grasp the gravity of his actions. I felt confused as to where to draw the line and what punishment to administer. I decided it would be best to sleep on it. Eventually I just felt sad for both the young girl and my son.

In the morning during meditation, the thought came to mind of the scripture passage that directs parents not to provoke their children, "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they may not become discouraged." (Col. 3:20-21) I also thought about the emphasis in my psychology training on the lasting effects of the traumatic events in childhood, of how they can impact future behaviors.

I recalled one such event when I was playing with ketchup packets at a restaurant. I was about my son's age. One of the ketchup packets splattered all over my grandparents and a stranger in the next booth. My father berated me furiously and sent me out to the car with no meal. I both feared and hated him, yet the punishment was effective and I practiced much more self-control after that.

I thought about how the punishment was effective because I associated a negative consequence with the poor conduct, and changed my behavior. I thought that this is probably operant conditioning. I also remembered that I grasped the gravity of what I had done, and knew that I deserved punishment, and didn't dispute that. So why then, I wondered, did this affect my relationship with my father?

In thinking deeper about it I realized that my father really hammered me about being stupid and unworthy. He often said that I got this from my mother and I took this to mean that he thought it was my nature. He used a lot of words and stayed angry with me for a long time. This was probably his instinctive way of trying to condition me to change. But it wasn't the punishment that hurt me; it was his words and feelings. I thought he hated me and wished he had a different son. I felt unloved and became resentful toward him.

Therein I found my answer. I just needed to enact cause and affect consequence without the thoughtless, excessive emotional coercion. I needed to do this without destroying his self-esteem.

I had an objective talk with my son without anger and belittlement. We recalled the events of the night before. We decided that the young girl had both short term and long term affects from his actions. She had pain last night, and would have bruising for a week (thankfully it wasn't broken). So my son's punishment would reflect this, 50 sentences today, and loss of all electronic media for a week. I was clear with him that this was actually probably much less painful than what the girl went through, but I resisted belittling him any further and I let him know that even though he made this mistake, I am proud to be his father.

I resolved to continue to guide his formation with discipline, but with a greater amount of love.

Thanks be to God.