This morning's Mass Reading was about whe the scribe asked Jesus "What is the greatest commandment?".

Today I reflected again at the synchronicity of Jan, Feb, March being the months of steps 1, 2, 3 and the season of Lent being the season when we face our unhealthy dependencies, Re-commit to our Faith and the experience God's conversion with the advent of Easter.

Today I started practicing typing during down times at work. This is a big deal for me as I have never done it right and I need to write a lot.

I got to the noon meeting and read the beginning of Bill's story.

I got to talk a friend through a resentment and help him see some truth.

I got to take my son to practice this evening.

I got to go to another meeting tonight and we read half of the story of AA number 3.

I stuck to the Friday abstinence for Lent.

It was a great day.

Today I went to the noon meeting. Our reading was step 12 in the 12x12. I thought about what my first clean time was like, how alone I was. I had to shove the past deep away and avoid it out of shame and guilt. I often wished I had someone to talk about it with but couldn't go to AA out of apprehension and pride. Today step 12 helps me come to terms with the past by putting it to good use. I get to face the past openly without shame. I get to look honestly at this period and be grateful for today.

I thought about how this works that I must not just take in power and connect with power but that I must let it flow through me. I shared the analogy of swing sports in regard to this.

I wish that I could have remembered my favorite non-12 step role model, Mel Gibson. He did what he thought was work to do God's will in his way by making a movie about God. He was a devout believer and his favor for the Tridentine Mass indicates he had a worship life. But the nature of our disease and God's plan for restoration from alcoholic/addiction insanity calls for a specific type of service work. Even though he may have been serving God, he didn't do it in teh way that treats his alcoholism. He drank again.

I also thought about the twelfth step "attitude" in meetings. That if my sharing is directed toward helping the newcomer amd sticking to the principles then I get the biggest twelfth step bang for my AA buck.

Today I was able to get caught up on some website work for my fellowship.

This evening I was very tired and I yelled at the kids too much. I really felt the late time to bed last night. I had to ask God's forgiveness and help and I was able to spend some play time with them.

My wife got to go to her meeting tonight. She told me that she had to run to meet a lady in crisis. Another person from her fellowship called her after she left. I was grateful to see my wife living a life of service.

This morning I made it to work early again for which I am grateful.

I had a good productive day at work even thought there are dissatisfied customers and scrutiny from above.

At noon I got to go to the meeting and I made it back on time. The reading was from the doctors opinion on the disease concept.

Tonight I got irritated with my wife because she didn't want to do things my way. I resisted staying angry and I made an extra effort to help out. Then I got to do the thing I wanted to do and she helped out. I got to take my son shopping for baseball gear. It was a good Father-son time and we all got to enjoy it when we got home.

I thought of the concept of The Living Water today some more.

Yesterday I was geting sick but I remembered to take preventative medicine. I was grateful that by midday today my symptoms had subsided.

Yesterday at work a guy noticed the scars on my arms from my previous IV drug use. It was an awkward moment and I pondered whether I should come out at work as a recovered addict.

I had a lot to write about yesterday but once again I was overwhelmed with life maintenance and had to go to bed without this review. As I write now the baby is crying and I am pounding on the keys angrily.

Last night I had a dream I was drinking hot, stale beer.

Today a friend came and visited me at work.

I have to stop for the baby

My life lately has gotten really good. Every night I am have been falling asleep feeding the baby or was busy with something critical until I passed out exhausted.

This worries me because I have fallen into the worst inconsistency of doing this evening review since the start of my sobriety. I have fallen into the same type of inconsistency that I used to have do back when I was relapsing.

I also have had a lot gratitude and inspirition to write about that I regret I haven't recorded. I know that God knows what my failings and gratefuls are, but I know that my connection to God is dependent on a period of focus in the evening that I can only be sure of when I do this review.

I have work on the SCTA website that I haven't been able to get to that I am worried about neglecting. I also have emails that I need to take care of.

This morning I was able to get in a good prayer and meditation. The readings of the Mass were about the Lady at the well and the Living Water. I heard Fr Barron's teaching that the five husbands may refer to our five senses.

At mass today I felt especially grateful for God's redemption. Several times I had to bow my heard near tears. Fr. James had a good teaching about the Living Water but I don't recall what it was at the moment. I do recall that he spoke of how everyone is so concerned about drinking fresh, cool, and clean water. So much so that we buy it. Everywhere that you look people carry a bottle of water.

During the Epiclesis I acidentally said "My Lord and my God." in my full voice rather than a whisper. I looked at the great cross in the window behind the altar and had a vision of the Corpus Christi.

This afternoon I got in a 2 hour nap. In the afternoon we did a little yardwork and put our room back together a little more.

This brings to mind a moment I had before Church. I had to put back my younger son's carseat becuase I took it out while my truck was in the shop. I realized just how many circumstances have happened in our lives lately that we have made it through gracefully.

In the past I would have been so overwhelmed that I would have been miserable and afaid.

Today in a moment in which I wanted to connect to God I thought of a bottle of Water of Light.

We had a nice little barbecue and my parents came to visit.

It was the best day of my life... again.

This morning the scripture reading was about putting faith in God not in people. The Gospel was the story of the Rich man and Lazarus the beggar. The emphasis was on how he knew the man. Today I denied a beggar some money. But I didn't know the man. Perhaps this is about answering the call to charitable works of mercy rather than giving money to crackheads.

Today I went to a noon meeting. The reading was step 11 from the 12x12 again. We read about praying for explicit guidance on matters and rationalization.

I shared that I offer my petitions to God with the emphasis on acceptance of God's regardless of the outcome.

I also shared about testing the "guidance" I receive in 3 ways; by time, by text, by teachers. Maybe by time, teachers and testing.

Time - I don't act rashly, I wait and see if the guidance still seems inspired.
Teachers - I check with others who have experience in the matters and those with spiritual experience.
Testing - I test how the guidance stands up to the what is written about God's will and the wisdom of the ages.

A member of the group quoted scripture that might have been this one : Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

I thought about rationalization afterward and about how I pray that being inexperience I may not be inspired at all times that I not pay with absurd ideas and notions. In the prayer I have begun to substitute "being prone to rationalization" as I am not as inexperienced anymore. Either way the need to pray this is no less important.

I noticed that persons reading inadvertantly misread words that slightly altered the meaning of the sentences. This is a common occurence. This makes a good illustration of the sort of rationalization that can slip by.

I had a hard time putting my thoughts and words together about praying for internal change rather than circumstancial assistance. I need to develop a phrasology for this. I pray for behavioral change and guidance of thought more than specific guidance or petitions. I pray for prosperity of the heart rather than financial prosperity. With good thinking, willingness and a giving spirit come all sorts of circumstancial benefits. I think God gives us good kharma and specific gifts when he sees fit.

We had a great evening in the cool of this early spring. We practiced baseball an played on the swing and my wife got to go her meeting.

Last night I passed out feeding the baby at 7:30.

Yesterday I had some difficulty with a customer who is PO'd that a switch of software is not working. I am communicating back and forth between her and mny boss and they have past history of antagonism on this issue. I felt like the friend of a couple having a spat and neither is talking to each other but they are relying on me to relay their communication effectively but by nature it is second hand.

Yesterday evening I got my truck back

This morning I was running late and I was short on my prayer time.

At work I was treading water all day to keep up and I should have stayed more focused on work and avoided distractions of what I want to do.

I got to go to a noon meeting, the reading was step 11 in the 12x12.

I got to take my son to practice and participate as an asst. coach.

Tonight we looked at the full moon in the telescope.

I need to do some web servant tasks.

We had a great day.

I woke up early this morning with a couple of thoughts:

I feel inspired as a Catholic to speak about Catholic principles to persons of other faiths. I felt that I could encourage them to adopt these practices in their personal practice of their religion. I thought that they could benefit from this greatly (maybe not fully, but greatly) and that Christ's Church would benefit from it.

This would serve Catholicism in that it would present these principles as great practices first for those people where there at and then they might wish to become Catholic. Or perhaps someday these practices would grow so prevalent within those groups that there wouldn't be so much separating us and we would come together.

This idea came from the fact that this is the way it worked for me. I was over there believeing in everything that held me back before and then I realized one day "whats holding me back?".

My other thought was about the common obstacles people have to religion:

rites
rote
rules & regulations

rites - These are the sacraments and practices.
rote - This is the language they use to express their ideas based on their interpritations of their sacred texts. If you don't use this language you are nudged to do so before you can be considered credible or before a dialog can ensue.
rules - These are the requirements to be initiated.
regulation - These are their doctrines and theology.

Last night I had a dream about extremely large vicious snakes trying to get me. I noted that I wasn't able to do my review last night. I'm to the point of being resigned to not being able to do a review every night without fail because of the kids. It can't be God's will that I have to do it at the cost of lost sleep and inability to focus. That just leads to a more stressful life and more irritability and discontent.

However, the fact that I routinely have these dreams shows me the direct and immediate cause and effect in my spiritual life. Perhaps the message here is that I have to accept not being able to do it every night but I must night rationalize not doing it when I can. It is a matter of spiritual life and death.

Yesterday we had baseball practice at a gym and I saw a poster of a "life skills" wheel. It had some skills like these:

Health Skills; eating right, exercise, healthy habits (like sleep), no drugs
Social/Interpersonal Skills, conflict resolution, refusal skills, boundaries
Professional/Career Skills
Community Skills
Giving Skills
Financial Skills; budgeting, Consumer Skills; Delayed Gratification
Academic Skills
Homekeeping Skills
Decision Making Skills

It was a wheel with each skill being like a large spoke. The middle was an empty hole. I thought that God should be at the middle of the wheel. But them I thought that decision making should be at the middle because it is the most important and it applies to all. I thought that then one could say that there is a power behind the decision making. That can be self, society, or God.

I looked for this online today. I saw many types of wheels like this. sometimes they had some morals or principles at the center. Sometimes they had a vagary or platitude.

I thought that the "life balance" wheel was mot interesting. I like it from the approach of trying to keep a balance but going with the organic flow of life rather than trying to "pre-manage" or schedule a balance.

Today there was a lot to write about today but unfortunately I don't have time for it all.

There was a big deal today with our finances. My wife and I sat down a did a budget this afternoon. We had a major disagreement and an argument. We both got extremely angry and we had to step back and recover. But we did and we kept communicating. We both got over it and both had to concede positions we felt very strongly about.

We both agreed to look at the great fact that we actually did get throught the budget and that it was a great accomplishment for us.

In the evening we received an unexpected financial gift from my Dad. I think it was a gift from God.

This morning during meditation I had an experience with spiritual focus. I was moved to meditate before my prayers which is the opposite way that I usually do it. I realized just how bad the clamor in my head has gotten. I started and had to restart 3 times as I kept having 2-3 trains of thought start running through my mind while I was trying to empty my self and focus on God. When I finally did clear my mind and let God in I had a tangible vision of light. It was like water-light, like ripples of water-light coming from a center.

I had a good day of learning and working through difficult problems and connecting with customers at work today. I felt productive and valuable again. I got good feedback twice on creative projects that I worked on.

I was able to persevere, be dilligent and stay focused through and overwhelming amount of work and with two meetings that ate up time. I feel inspired at my job and optimistic about the future.

I got to go to the Big Book Study meeting tonight. We read the chapter "A Vision for You".

I got to talk to several friends in the program today and I had a friend come visit after work.

Tonight my wife has made a decision that means I will have the kids by myself all day tomorrow. I had to be assertive and try to get her to reconsider her project. I could not. I got resentful. I need to let it go and persevere to find power to stay calm and forgive her.

I made it to work on time this morning; that's a big deal to me.

I was very busy and still kept up. I had to keep myself focused on work several times but I was grateful that all of my time is productive now and I am a contributor.

During some isp down time I got to work on a creative personal project making a nice diagram to help people learn the system.

At noon I got to go to the meeting; the topic was step 11.

Today was a good Valentines Day, I thought about how much better things are than this day 5 years ago. I am grateful to have a loving wife today and for the family she has given to me.

I had some important thoughts that I wanted to get down earlier but I've forgotten them.

I thought that maybe I work a perfect program. So many people say that they don't work a perfect program. I think what they typically mean is that they don't practice the steps completely. I don't mean perfect technique or perfect execution, but I mean that I do them every day without fail, my life depends on it.

Today at noon I started on my way to the meeting. I got a strange intuition to go back to work. My boss came back and talked to us about some important work stuff also. I thought maybe that 1 year might be the right time frame to talk to womeone about my primary purpose. Maybe it would good to be a proven asset to the company.

I thought some about the spiritual experience. Perhaps it is 1-2-3 and 3-2-1. Perhaps the first experience is the paraadigm shift of 1-2-3, then comes the building the foundation of 1-2-3, then comes growing in action - 3, growing in faith - 2, and living a powerful, inspired life - 1.

I had another thought about step 2:

I had to recognize the need to believe
I had to become willing to believe
I had to become able to believe
I have to Get solid in my belief
I have Grow in my belief
I must be able to communicate my belief
I must be able to abandon myself to my belief

7:18 am - Last night I was sick and went to bed at 6:00 pm. I didn't do an evening review that's 2 times in a 7 day period. This mornign I woke up having a using dream. The planning and making arrangements in the dream were long. The actual using was just about to start. What I remember most profoundly were the going around with a nagging motive for a long time and the look and texture of the substance.

A couple of important thoughts today:

How does the program inventory differ from the good behavior I did before?
Before I made a shift in thinking in which I saw that it was harmful to fight with people. I strove to turn away conscious anger or expressing anger. I still indulged myself on the inside.

I didn't use a process to ensure that I was truly free from the resentment.
I repressed a lot or did not acknowledge my true feelings.
I didn't get down to causes and conditions.
I didn't have any power other than will power.

About Step 2:
I had to want to believe first, I had to have a reason to need spirituality.
Then I had to be willing to believe even thought I couldn't actually do it.
Then I had to build up that belief by reasoning why I believed.
Then I had to keep up that belief by spiritual growth and maintenance.

I went to the noon meeting today the topic was step 10 from the 12 x 12. I thought about how continous inventory keeps clear the channel to the power that restores me to sanity. I spoke about how this happens at both a deep psychological level and a deep spiritual level. By deep I mean deep within where I can't see consciously or in spiritual terms "behind the veil". I shared about how I had another episode of not doing my review and having using dreams. The dreams are a window to what is going on in the unconscious mind. I remember also that my relapses happened without warning that there was no conscious thought about using or drinking beforehand.

This morning I woke up feeling sick and tired but I persevered to try and make it to work. By mid morning I felt better.

This evening my wife called me and told me we are broke in our bank ccount we are about to be overdrawn again and pay the associated fees. She was calling to warn me that there was no dinner. In the moments after our conversation I started to get angery and I thought of a few ways to try and manage her spending and time management. I caught myself and had to resist. I asked God to save me from being angry. I was able to come home, keep a cheerful spirit and b helpful to her. She was having a bad afternon but in a short time it got better.

We spent the evening watching home movies of my oldest son's first year.

I am grateful for good health and good living.

This morning I was able to get up early and have some quality time for prayer and meditation. I was able to reflect upon the Sriptures and Daily Reflection. The scripture readings were about the nature of sin and The Temptation of Christ. The Daily reflection was the second step proposition. I thought this was a synchronous occurence.

I thought about how I read daily reflections because it goes throught the steps once a month and each day's reading starts with a quote from a text. But I also reflected that this year I have seen several inconsistencies with the principles in some of the relections. I also noted last month that there could be better readings that actually go through more facets of the step. I got the idea to do my own Daily Reflection on the reading and possibly put together alternative readings to cover more concepts. Or just do a list of readings without the commentary.

I had the privilege of being able to witness to my son because he asked me what the mass was going to be about as we sat and waited before it started. I explained that today's mass was the Temptation of Christ in The Desert. He was very interested and I got to tell him about how the Devil came to Jesus and took Him to a mountain top and tempted him with anything all the kingdoms of the world. I was grateful to have already reflected on this at that time because my son had many questions as most seven year olds do. I had to explain to him what sin is and what temptation is.

Today I was had enough energy and initiative to get things done in the morning and keep a kind spirit. I took a short nap at midday and took my son to baseball practice. We didn't really know anyone but we were able to get out on the field and begin practicing with the others and taking a highly participative role without much self-consciousness. This is something that has been a great reward of sobriety that I want to take note of. My confidence in these situations is very helpful to my son. I see in him the same anxiety when he doesn't know others but for him it's just a short hitch where for me it was debilitating.

I confirmed today that Sunday's are not to be fast days of Lent they are Feast Days of the Lord. It was very nice to drink a tea for lunch and a soda for dinner.
This afternoon we watched the Pro Bowl while my wife an errands.
I was able to work on our broken dryer and determine we will need a repairman.
My wife got to go to her Co-Anon meeting tonight.
We saw the finger moon for the first time in my son's telescope.
The weather today was fine, the air tonight was crisp.

In the Gospel today I identify with Christ because I too am tempted by the things of this world and prone to forget that God must be everything. The fruits of my sobriety are a lot of good activities and things to maintain. But I can't let those things get between me and God. I have to remember to keep up my spiritual and recovery activities. Today the main thing I did to help others in recovery was to support my wife to go to her meeting. The thing I could have done better was to call a couple of people.

I'm grateful for another "Best day of my life".

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crises we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't. What was our choice to be?

The Lord, your God, shall you worship
and him alone shall you serve.”

Last night I fell asleep laying down with my sick son. I didn't do a review and I don't recall much about yesterday. I went to our Friday night meeting and hardly anyone showed up. One guy showed up about five minutes before the meeting and I suggested that he go to the other meeting then about 5 or 6 people showed up and we had a meeting. It ended up being better than I thought.

Today I woke up very late. I got resentful at my wife for waking up later than me again. I washed the dishes, picked up the house, got the kids out of bed and then cooked breakfast. I felt resentful that I couldn't do the outside housework and web stuff and writing that I want to do. My wife got up and was able to go straight to the computer.

I felt angry and tired and sick so I laid down and meditated. I realized that I was hanging on past resentments about my wife not being an early riser.

It didn't matter what the circumstances were, I just had to be rid of the resentment. I prayed and prayed for God to remove it and he did. I did a very focused meditation.

The rest of the day I slept a lot. I felt sick, I probably have what the whole family has had.

Later in the afternoon I was able to get going and get a few things done. I got both cars washed and some stuff cleaned up in the garage.

In the evening my oldest son my wife and I went out in the back yard and looked at stars in the telescope.

Another friend of mine died yesterday. He left behind a wife and son. I am grateful to have found recovery because I know now just how much greater the chances are that I could die if I kept (keep) on using. The death of Heath Ledger also confirms this. I don't think he was a far progressed addict. Like the two recent friends I believe they were accidental overdoses.

My wife called me at mid-morning and was feeling very bad. Even though she was better she was still sick and had to care for all the kids. She went to the doctor and has strep throat. I knew she wanted me to come home but I was afraid to take off from work again. I didn't even realize it but I was beginning to have low grade resentment.

I wanted to go to the noon meeting on time but I have been afraid to take too much time off at lunch or to talk to them about adjusting my schedule. I don't feel safe asking for time at lunch to go to an AA meeting. I went to the meeting but was about 15 minutes late.

The topic was on step 10. I sat in for about 5 minutes when I got a call from my wife. I decided to leave out of the meeting because I figured she needed me to come home. She called to tell me to come home on time, she was going to do laundry tonight, and we needed to do my kid's school project. I felt disturbed and out of sync and decided to go back to work. I thought maybe it was a rash decision but I decided on the way back that it was for the best because when I go to the meeting I take longer at lunch and stay late at the end of the day to compensate.

Tonight I brought home dinner, fed the kids, ironed my clothes for tomorrow and then bathed all three kids. After doing all that I went to lay down and my wife started telling me that I needed to get started on the kid's project. I got so irriteated that I didn't speak. Then she asked me if I was going to do it and I shouted ack NO to her. She got all pissed off and yelled what an asshole I was and other stuff and slammed doors and stomped around.

I didn't do that because I didn;t care. I didn;t think about it at all. I was just too tired to do anything else. I felt like she just demanded it then and couldn't accept that I couldn't do it.

I just asked God to save me from being angry and I laid down to sleep. I dozed into a short nap and I woke up with a second wind and I helped my kid do the project.

I thought about the topic of step 10. It is like taking my emotional pulse. It is like monitoring a seismograph of my emotions. When the needle starts registering out of the control limits I must summon a power to contain them.

I have to view my emotions as mind altering substances. When I have excessive emotional reactions, they become mind altering. I become under their influence and I lose objectivity. I must detach from my rationale, desires, motives, or judgement and just treat the emotions like the obsession to use.

In the evening I look at the disturbances of the last 24 hours and make sure that they are fully contained or look for aftershocks. I must then summon the power again to diffuse them once and for all.

This morning I decided to give up flavored drinkd for Lent except for OJ for the vitamin C. The idea is to give up indulgent dependencies. I don't think I should give up anything needed for nutritional purposes but rather the things that I don't need but just indulge in to feel better. I accidentally drank a coke at noon but I did observe the Ash Wednesday fast

In the morning my readings were synchronous with the events in my life and thought life. I even read the wrong day and that applied.

It has been a long and difficult day. I had my review at work and it went ok except that I got some feedback that is less than perfect. I also didn't feel comfortable talking about some things I have wanted to talk about to my boss. I got fearful to make any waves. I feel lucky to have any job right now.

My sponsor informed me that a good friend of ours is relapsing. I was disappointed and talked to him about where my friend is not surrendered. My sponsor said it was in the area of honesty but I don't see this like he does. I think it is more about willingness. I think that some of us are so incapable of being completely honest that it has to come to us through the process. I think that if we humble ourselves to the work and completely give ourselves to the process, the needed hnesty will come. Actually probably both things are true.

Tonight I got irritable at times with the kids as my wife is still bed ridden. But I did my best and things weren't too bad. She started feeling better at the end of teh evening and she saw the program "wifeswap" and she said there was an a-hole husband on there that made her grateful to have me.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had to come home from work because my wife had a horrible fever and couldn't take care of the kids. She had the same thing that's going around with the people at work. I was a little afraid about taking off from work and could tell my boss was concerned about it.

When I came home I was very concerned to find teh children were all still in bed and none had been changed or had eaten.

I could tell that I've changed in my attitude towards this type of thing because I was able to handle the kids, get some work done from home, clean the house and offer Christie some attention and care.

I am grateful that I am able to work from home and I hope my willingness and effort to do this made an impression on my boss.

At the end of the night I wore down some and got a little cranky but for the most i did ok.

This morning during my morning readings, these things stood out to me:

Jesus, aware at once that power had gone out from him,
turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who has touched my clothes?”
But his disciples said to him,
“You see how the crowd is pressing upon you,
and yet you ask, Who touched me?”

R. Listen, Lord, and answer me.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for to you I call all the day.
Gladden the soul of your servant,
for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

The minute I stopped arguing, I could begin to see and feel. Right there, Step Two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or upon what day I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. To acquire it, I had to stop fighting and practice the rest of A.A.’s program as enthusiastically as I could. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p.27

This weekend I received a gift of a whole new wardrobe from my brother in law. I was gratefult today when I had a new shirt to wear to work. Once again, God gives me what I need.

Today at noon I got to go a very good meeting. I love the people there.

It was a good day at work today. In the morning our isp was down so I got to do some work on a diagram for training my customers.

In the afternoon I was able to be diligent and get caught up.

Tonight we got the kids to bed early and had popcorn and watched gameshows.

Tonight our family went to visit my cousin's family to watch the Super Bowl. We had a great time before the kids became too much to handle. He spoke to me with great emphasis that I should enjoy the time I have with my kids while they are still small. He let me know about how he misses his kids now that they are growing up.

We also spoke about some of the alcoholism in our family.

I really admire him for his success in life, he has a very nice home and good kids. I am grateful to have faith so that I might find a way to instill the importance of family in my children and so that I might have purpose when they leave me.

This morning we made it to mass ok. The second reading was "God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise..." the gospel Reading was the the beatitudes, "Blessed are the peacemakers...". I think I have an inspiration to be learned from this in the near future.

When we came home there was a mass being televised that was the closing of a phase of the canonization of Bishop Sheen. The bishop presiding over the mass said this was a great day for us not because of the Super Bowl but because it was Alleluia Sunday before Lent.

Tonight I have a lot of hope for the future.

This weekend I received a gift of a whole new wardrobe from my brother in law. I was gratefult today when I had a new shirt to wear to work. Once again, God gives me what I need.

Today at noon I got to go a very good meeting. I love the people there.

It was a good day at work today. In the morning our isp was down so I got to do some work on a diagram for training my customers.

In the afternoon I was able to be diligent and get caught up.

Tonight we got the kids to bed early and had popcorn and watched gameshows.

This morning I had some low grade resentment at my wife that she didn't get up early enough to suit me.
I was afraid the house wouldn't get cleaned up as much as I wanted.
I was afraid I wouldn't get to rest before going to our baseball tryout.
It was an old resentment that cropped up.

I got to go to my son's baseball tryout with him today. We were there a little early so I got to be a coaches helper on first base. This is a big deal to me because I get to help him feel more a "part of" the baseball families.

This afternoon my sister-in-law and nephew visited. I took a nap and when I woke up they were still here. As I got up and got going I got a little resentful that the house was stil a mess. I had to resist this irritability a few times and just appreciate that my children have relatives that visit. I also thought to just try and be helpful and not waste energy on feelings that don't help anything.

Truthfully though I was a little more tolerant because she brought us lunch.

Tonight at our meeting we heard news that a young woman who used to attend our group had died from an overdose. She left behind several children including a 4 month old child. I remember that she was very beautiful and had a lot to live for. I had to deliver the news to a close friend who used to date her.

This made me think of something that I have been meditating for about a week. It is a part of Step 1, the nature of the disease, that it is Chronic, Progressive, Fatal.

"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it"

Chronic - In medicine, a chronic disease is a disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between. As an adjective, chronic can refer to a persistent and lasting medical condition. Many chronic diseases require chronic care management for effective long-term treatment.

"We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet."

Progressive - A progressive illness is an illness that gradually progresses and changes mode, generally to the worse. In contrast, non-progressive illnesses are relatively constant.

"We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

Fatal - bringing death.

"The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years."


"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally. But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty. We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again: "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking , there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol."

Today I thought about what a "lurking notion" is. Everytime I worked the steps I could answer the question of whether I had a lurking notion, NO. Yet sometimes I used again. If you asked me right before I used, I would have said there's no way that I am ever going to use again.

Perhaps the lurking notion can also be the thoughts that live below the surface of consciousness. Even though I might not consciously have a lurking notion, if it is powerful enough in the subconscious then it can rise up if I am blocked from my higher power.

This is the reason I have to do steps like the evening review every night even when things are good. Earlier this week I skipped a night and went to bed tired for good reasons. That night I had a long drawn out dream that I was doing crank.

Every time I relapsed I stopped doing the steps according to the specific instructions in the book. I felt comfortable in my sobriety and everything was better. I just quit being disciplined about the work.

Tonight I had no emotional disturbances or big deals to review. I could only write a few thoughts about recovery and I opened the doors to a meeting where only 2 guys showed up. This morning I found time to pray.

Having done steps 10, 11, and 12 today I can rest gratefully knowing I don't have to fear a lurking notion.

I heard something else new also that eludes me.

Tonight I went to open up the meeting and was the only one there. The back door was open and I got a creepy feeling that someone was around. I had too go outside and it was a long wait until someone finally showed up. I felt unusually frightened about being there alone.

Everyone that normally goes to that meeting went to the big speaker meeting. Only myself, my sponsor and a friend who is relatively new were there. We didn't have a meeting because we got to talking about our pasts. At some point we started talking about the similarity between addiction and demonic possession. We then talked about all the demonic episodes in our past. The new guy talked alot about his difficulties with his dark past. I got the feeling he needed that talk and that he needed some support in his reltionship with God.

I think maybe that the there was a dark presence before the meeting because of what we were about talk about.

I can't think of anything else to review.