7:18 am - Last night I was sick and went to bed at 6:00 pm. I didn't do an evening review that's 2 times in a 7 day period. This mornign I woke up having a using dream. The planning and making arrangements in the dream were long. The actual using was just about to start. What I remember most profoundly were the going around with a nagging motive for a long time and the look and texture of the substance.

A couple of important thoughts today:

How does the program inventory differ from the good behavior I did before?
Before I made a shift in thinking in which I saw that it was harmful to fight with people. I strove to turn away conscious anger or expressing anger. I still indulged myself on the inside.

I didn't use a process to ensure that I was truly free from the resentment.
I repressed a lot or did not acknowledge my true feelings.
I didn't get down to causes and conditions.
I didn't have any power other than will power.

About Step 2:
I had to want to believe first, I had to have a reason to need spirituality.
Then I had to be willing to believe even thought I couldn't actually do it.
Then I had to build up that belief by reasoning why I believed.
Then I had to keep up that belief by spiritual growth and maintenance.

I went to the noon meeting today the topic was step 10 from the 12 x 12. I thought about how continous inventory keeps clear the channel to the power that restores me to sanity. I spoke about how this happens at both a deep psychological level and a deep spiritual level. By deep I mean deep within where I can't see consciously or in spiritual terms "behind the veil". I shared about how I had another episode of not doing my review and having using dreams. The dreams are a window to what is going on in the unconscious mind. I remember also that my relapses happened without warning that there was no conscious thought about using or drinking beforehand.

This morning I woke up feeling sick and tired but I persevered to try and make it to work. By mid morning I felt better.

This evening my wife called me and told me we are broke in our bank ccount we are about to be overdrawn again and pay the associated fees. She was calling to warn me that there was no dinner. In the moments after our conversation I started to get angery and I thought of a few ways to try and manage her spending and time management. I caught myself and had to resist. I asked God to save me from being angry. I was able to come home, keep a cheerful spirit and b helpful to her. She was having a bad afternon but in a short time it got better.

We spent the evening watching home movies of my oldest son's first year.

I am grateful for good health and good living.