Today I went to the noon meeting. Our reading was step 12 in the 12x12. I thought about what my first clean time was like, how alone I was. I had to shove the past deep away and avoid it out of shame and guilt. I often wished I had someone to talk about it with but couldn't go to AA out of apprehension and pride. Today step 12 helps me come to terms with the past by putting it to good use. I get to face the past openly without shame. I get to look honestly at this period and be grateful for today.

I thought about how this works that I must not just take in power and connect with power but that I must let it flow through me. I shared the analogy of swing sports in regard to this.

I wish that I could have remembered my favorite non-12 step role model, Mel Gibson. He did what he thought was work to do God's will in his way by making a movie about God. He was a devout believer and his favor for the Tridentine Mass indicates he had a worship life. But the nature of our disease and God's plan for restoration from alcoholic/addiction insanity calls for a specific type of service work. Even though he may have been serving God, he didn't do it in teh way that treats his alcoholism. He drank again.

I also thought about the twelfth step "attitude" in meetings. That if my sharing is directed toward helping the newcomer amd sticking to the principles then I get the biggest twelfth step bang for my AA buck.

Today I was able to get caught up on some website work for my fellowship.

This evening I was very tired and I yelled at the kids too much. I really felt the late time to bed last night. I had to ask God's forgiveness and help and I was able to spend some play time with them.

My wife got to go to her meeting tonight. She told me that she had to run to meet a lady in crisis. Another person from her fellowship called her after she left. I was grateful to see my wife living a life of service.