Another friend of mine died yesterday. He left behind a wife and son. I am grateful to have found recovery because I know now just how much greater the chances are that I could die if I kept (keep) on using. The death of Heath Ledger also confirms this. I don't think he was a far progressed addict. Like the two recent friends I believe they were accidental overdoses.
My wife called me at mid-morning and was feeling very bad. Even though she was better she was still sick and had to care for all the kids. She went to the doctor and has strep throat. I knew she wanted me to come home but I was afraid to take off from work again. I didn't even realize it but I was beginning to have low grade resentment.
I wanted to go to the noon meeting on time but I have been afraid to take too much time off at lunch or to talk to them about adjusting my schedule. I don't feel safe asking for time at lunch to go to an AA meeting. I went to the meeting but was about 15 minutes late.
The topic was on step 10. I sat in for about 5 minutes when I got a call from my wife. I decided to leave out of the meeting because I figured she needed me to come home. She called to tell me to come home on time, she was going to do laundry tonight, and we needed to do my kid's school project. I felt disturbed and out of sync and decided to go back to work. I thought maybe it was a rash decision but I decided on the way back that it was for the best because when I go to the meeting I take longer at lunch and stay late at the end of the day to compensate.
Tonight I brought home dinner, fed the kids, ironed my clothes for tomorrow and then bathed all three kids. After doing all that I went to lay down and my wife started telling me that I needed to get started on the kid's project. I got so irriteated that I didn't speak. Then she asked me if I was going to do it and I shouted ack NO to her. She got all pissed off and yelled what an asshole I was and other stuff and slammed doors and stomped around.
I didn't do that because I didn;t care. I didn;t think about it at all. I was just too tired to do anything else. I felt like she just demanded it then and couldn't accept that I couldn't do it.
I just asked God to save me from being angry and I laid down to sleep. I dozed into a short nap and I woke up with a second wind and I helped my kid do the project.
I thought about the topic of step 10. It is like taking my emotional pulse. It is like monitoring a seismograph of my emotions. When the needle starts registering out of the control limits I must summon a power to contain them.
I have to view my emotions as mind altering substances. When I have excessive emotional reactions, they become mind altering. I become under their influence and I lose objectivity. I must detach from my rationale, desires, motives, or judgement and just treat the emotions like the obsession to use.
In the evening I look at the disturbances of the last 24 hours and make sure that they are fully contained or look for aftershocks. I must then summon the power again to diffuse them once and for all.
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