Today I was sick again and we didn't make it to church. I felt resentful at my wife even though it wasn't her fault.

I felt remorseful that I wasn't very productive. During the morning mass on TV I woke up and felt a wave of grace come over me. I felt like I was recieving a miraculous recovery.

My spirits felt better the rest of the day even though my physical energy was low and I didn't really get anything accomplished.

In the evening I got to spend some good time with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday I was sick again but felt better at midday. I did some yard work and then felt worse in the evening.

My wife worked for the last half of the day and I struggled to supervise the kids. By the ed of the day I was in very low spirits and was practically non-functional. I felt like I was neglecting them.

I put the kids to bed and passed out early. They all got back up and kept waking me up with minor requests. I yelled at them too much. Then my oldest woke me up sick and vomiting. I got up to help him just in time.

This morning I was sick again and I started my prayers and fell asleep several times. I slept very late until close to 9:00 am. I still wasn't ready to get up but I had an intuition, a strong feeling that I needed to get the baby up or at least check on her. I jumped out of bed and found that she was awake and quietly crying because she ad diarrhea and had a huge diaper blowout. Looking back on it she didn't have a rash so she couldn't have been too long that way. But at the time I had the distinct feeling of having neglected the kids. I thought of the scene in trainspotting where the couple neglected the baby and it died.

I got the kids fed and we had a pretty decent morning considering how poorly I felt. But I did realize that I should be a lot worse and that I was getting better. I was also grateful that my wife and mother and I had stayed on top of the housekeeping so the house was fairly decent.

I dozed off and on all day and felt my body fighting the sickness. By mid-afternoon I had that useless feeling and just had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was wasting the day. I realized that I had a lot to be grateful for especially that this bout of illness didn't happen while I was working. But I had to accept that my feelings were just going to be empty.

My wife missed getting a job tonight so she encouraged me to go to my meeting. I had started to entertain the notion that I might just unlock the clubhouse and come home because I was sick. But I went ahead and went and stayed even though I felt mentally disconected. I just decided to go through the motions and do God's will.

The meeting ended up being very well attended. I was completely surprised. I chaired and was able to do a decent job. The story was not all that great but it was a god meeting and I was very uplifted by the things shared and the fellowship in the room. But mostly I felt that I carried the message and perfomed a vital service. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared.

I got to stay afterward and play washers and have some one-on-one fellowship and guidance after the meeting.

I got home and felt way to awake way too late, I was worried about not being able to sleep. After having some good conversation with my wife we both started winding down towards bed and she had an intuition about our autistic son and went to check on him. She found that he had vomited very bad. I was awake enough to help her clean him up and comfort him. I would not have been able to do this had I no been awake.

Once again I see that all things are as they were meant to be.

Thanks be to God.

This thanksgiving day was another great holiday with family but I was sick and the day was long.

I was thankful that the holiday is no longer a day in which dysfunction must be endured. We all love to spend time together and my parents stayed all day into the evening.

At the end of the day I was grateful for the day but I was glad to have it behind me.

This morning I woke up feeling another cold coming on but I did my best to take vitamins to try and fend it off.

I was grateful that I got to take off at 1 o'clock today and I get holidays for the next 2 days.

I didn't get to make it to the noon meeting today but I got to go to a different meeting at 1:30. At 1:35 two other people were there seated and a guy came in and asked when the next meeting was to start. I told him 5 minutes ago and I stepped up to chair with some prodding.

I wasn't very smooth but I was comfortable anyway. I wasn't sure what to bring as a topic so I discussed step 2 about a power that would restore me to sanity and I read about step 11 as spiritual conditioning as access to that power and to build up and sustain my spiritual being.

This morning the daily scriptures were again from the book of revelation. The imagery is very powerful and inspiring. I think about how my perception of the reading is so different now that I have been awakened to new levels of a spiritual conception than it was ever in my life.

I wanted to jot down some observations about the readings from the past week about Christ the King leading up to Thanksgiving day and then advent.
The idea of God as the shepherd and the shepherd as a ruler.
Worldly rulers and the true ruler of the world.
The throne room of the Lord.
The imagery of the realm of the spirit.
The sovereignty of the Lord and the creatures He rules.
The end of times and the final judgment.
The harvest of the faithful.
The separation of the wicked from the righteous.
The acts of faith by which we will be judged.

Today I joked with guys at work all day about a recording of a person with a deep ethnic accent and a misguided notion. It was form of self-righteous pride. I was mocking the lowly, I was propagating a stereotype. After meditating on the Gospel reading from sunday the feast of Christ the king I had to do a heartfelt act of contrition over this.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting because an elevator was stuck. But I got to take a walk which was rejuvinating. I also ran into a friend from the meeting on the street and we got to have a friendly conversation that we never get to have at the meeting.

Tonight I griped at the boys more than I should have.

Tonight I found a prayer for Thanksgiving.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Today I thought some more about the guys that I saw at the rehab center. Each of the guys were very active in service work and were well connected in the recovery fellowship. One guy worked at a top of the line rehab and another was a founder of the groups in our part of town. The common thread of their relapse was that they stopped doing the spiritual maintenance steps of daily personal inventory, and prayer and meditation.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the personal story "Freedom From Bondage". I noted that it took a combination of several ingredients to bring the writer to a point of surrender, the terrible realization of powerlessness, a referral by a doctor, and an acquaintance in a twelve step fellowship. I related that it was a similar set of events that in combination helped me to jump through that window of opportunity.

I had a good day at work and a nice evening at home.

I didn't have any major fears, resentments, or desires today.

I love my wife and family and I love the life that God has given me at the end of this day.

This Sunday we went to mass together as a family again. It was good to have plenty of time to get ready and to get there in a peaceful disposition.

My 4 year old son had 3 mistakes this day. my wife pointed out that he got ahold of some wheat snacks the day before. I resisted this idea. I am experiencing the type of dishonesty called denial.

I go to go to the treatment center CA meeting. I saw 3 friends and former very active members in the fellowship that were there as patients following relapse.

I got to have a great afternoon at home wathing the ball game, playing washers with teh neigborhood kids and practicing baseball with my son and his friends.

This morning during meditation I saw the bright light briefly.

This morning I ran religious programming for kids on television again. We got to see a good animated story of the 2 sons who inherited their father's vinyard and some good teaching about purgatory.

Today we were blessed with some extra income from my wife's babysitting and from her resale, for this I am grateful.

I found out that we had an overdraft fee from the bank and I felt both upset and reentful. I had to resist both with God's help.

Later in the day I picked up a playscape slide and climbing wall to replace our broken one. The guy reduced the price by $10, so I receieved another gift.

I got to visit with my dad today and we discussed some spiritual matters although we didn't really have the discussion that I am waiting to have to ask him to join us in fellowship in our church.

Today I fell more in love with my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We were reading in the chapter on step 6 in the Twelve and Twelve. When the person before me was about to read, the chairperson mistakenly directed her ahead to tradition six. she just read and passed to me. I had been totally prepared to share on step 6 but had to shift gears and talk about tradition 6. Thanks be to God for the opportunity to practice humility.

I got to see in a deeper way the parallels of the tradition with my personal program. On a personal level my biggest problem in living the spiritual life is when I let problems of money, property, and prestige divert me from God.

This afternoon I was afraid that my son would be hurt and would not love me because I had to punish him severely. Eventually he repented and performed his punishment.

As part of his religious training I got to practice with my son for his first confession coming in two weeks.

This evening I was resentful at my wife for going to a meeting of the Autism Society.

Practicing for my son's confession and the act of contrition were a synchronous event given that I was afraid and resentful today.

Thanks be to God for forgiveness.

This morning I was blessed with an early rise which I had prayed for. It made my morning more manageable.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read from the personal stories "A Late Start".

Lately I have been seeing a bright point of light, just outside of my direct view. This has coincided with moments in which the Spirit has been connecting with me.

We had a good evening.

This morning when I prayed I received some insight which led me to pray in different statements that seem to be a more accurate model of spiritual vivification.

Dear God,
As I begin this day I ask that you re-form my thoughts, instincts, and motives to conform to Your will. Please direct my thinking...

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We read the last page of tradition 5 and the first page of step 6. I noticed that the first page of step 6 was a great example of the practice of trad 5. The step 6 page deals with character defects but in the last paragraph it ties this back to the primary purpose of alcoholism.

Time to end the day, thanks be to God.

Today I had a good day at work, I got to go to my meeting at noon, and I won at ping pong. At the noon meeting I walked in late and missed the reading but the pages dealt with the physical allergy and hitting bottom. Several people spoke some were new and I got to talk about the physical factor of alcoholism and how hitting a bottom was a window of opportunity for me and that I was grateful. I also got to talk about how the program worked for me last week after I had been sick.

This afternoon I got to help a guy with a step work guide.

My wife got to help a neighbor who went to the hospital by watching her kids. She ended up getting paid for it which was a blessing. I got to help by bathing all of our kids.

I got to watch some of intervention with my son and explain alcoholism to him.

Thanks be to God for all his blessings today.

This morning we all went to mass together as a family. It was the first time that we went together and all the kids were manageable. I was so grateful, I got to hear all the readings and everything. The Gosppel was the parable of the master who gave talents to his 3 servants. The parable has always been a difficult one for me to understand but our deacon did a masterful job with it. I even got to have quiet, focused time with the Lord after taking communion.

Today I saw some playscapes free and good prices. I felt a strong covetousness crop up in side me.

Today and yesterday were the best days we have had in a while.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I couldn't sleep and had many conceptions about step one sorting out repetitively in my head until I had to get up and write them down. This continued today. Another part of my spiritual experience is beginning to unfold.

Today was my first son's birthday. The magnitude of this day almost eluded me until just a little while ago. As I sent him off to bed I picked him up and pretended it was the day that we brought him home and I was showing him around his new home. Throughout the day today he and I had moments when we made eye contact or gestures and felt that psychic connection with each other.

This morning I had low expectations from the religious programs that were on and the children's attention spans as they were preoccupied playing and I began to change the channel just as the sign of the cross was being said in a cartoon. But then my daughter completed the words and I realized just how much they enjoy it and do pay attention. I stuck with it and got to see a great cartoon about Fr. Maximillian Colby and another one about how Jesus' forgives sins. It was amazing to watch and talk to them about it and how attentive they were. And I had a personal experience with Jesus' coming to forgive sins. It was just what I needed.

I was worried about my son's party because the invitations were just sent out thursday and I didn't think anyone would show up and my son was very excited about it. I was also worried because of the weather. It worked out fantastic. Several of Bobby's friends came and even though it was windy and cool it was very nice. My father made me feel better when he talked about how much he liked being outside in the weather. My son had a great time and I got to meet and talk to three fathers of his friends. Two of the guys are from our block but I didn't know them and one guy needed information about baseball. I was very grateful that God brought together the party.

Tonight I prayed with the boys and girls and thanked God for all his blessings and for making my son's special day grand.

I am especially thankful to the LORD for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Today I went back to work with a good deal of confidence and freedom from fear. I had a busy and productive day and felt better and better as the day passed.

This evening I got to take both of my sons for a haircut and dinner afterward. It was the first time that I ever took them together and one of the first times that the three of us did anything together alone besides church. It was a nice little adventure and it was really cool to watch them interact with each other and me. This was something that I had anticipated a long time ago but forgot that I was waiting for. It was an awesome surprise gift!

Afterward, I got to go to the Friday night big book study meeting. When I got there there was no one there and some things were out of place and a light was on in a back room. I got kinda spooked and I quickly decided that the meeting would be canceled as the time to start approached and no one came. I called my sponsor and talked for a little while and then some people showed up.

We had a great meeting, we read "" from the personal stories. I thought the story was very much lie an addict story and related to much of it. There was a particular part about the many "God things" that had happened to the author that got me thinking about the recent God things that have happened to me recently. I thought about how that meeting coming together was one of those "God things".

Thanks be to God for my recovery!

I've been very ill for the last 4 days. I've gone through a lot of the feelings of fear and remorse that I usually go through when I get sick like this.
I was afraid of calling in sick to work.
I was afraid of losing my job.
I was afraid of sleeping too much and become an invalid.
I was afraid of being useless and slothful.
I was afraid of neglecting my appearance and hygiene.
I was afraid of neglecting my home.
I was afraid of neglecting my children.
I was afraid of telling the truth to my boss.
I was afraid that I was telling lies.
I was afraid that people would blame my sickness on my bad habits or my past.
I was afraid that I was going to be discovered as an addict due to being sick (this is not true of course).
The feelings in my body and in my sinuses felt like they did when I was hung over from using.
Once again I have to remember that I am no longer an addict living a lie and that it is ok to get sick. I must remember that it has nothing to do with using, that I still associate being sick with my old fears from back when it was.

Several other people were out sick which was good timing for me because it was apparent that something is going around. Thanks be to God.

Tonight I was watching a program about the body and how the mind can summon superhuman stength in dire, life threatening, circumstances. They also showed that athletes can train to summon these bursts for competition. This can also keep a person function through terrible pain and injury. I thought about how belief in a higher power (God) also works this way. Through spiritual conditioning, the power of God can overcome life threatening mental dysfunction, illness, and disorder.

Tonight I finaly feel 75% up to speed and confident I will make it to work tommorrow. I resolve now and with God's help to fear no more and to return confidently back to daily life.

Thanks be to God.

I had to stay home from work today because I was sick. I was afraid fo rmy job security. My wife was very supportive in reminding me that I have not taken off much time from work.

Tonight I thought of placing my sense of security in the almighty in stead of my limited vision.

I thought of the limits of my conceptions today.

I am turning to get some rest.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up sick, slept in and didn't make it to mass. I was pleased that my wife took my oldest son and daughter also. I made spiritual communion during mass on TV.

This evening my wife went to a fundraiser while I watched the kids. My son threw up, the dog threw up, my other son peed on the floor and my son had diarrhea in the floor. I was resentful.

I am very tired and afraid that I won't make it to work tomorrow.

I mustn't worry.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought some more about the spiritual experience as inspired by the life on mars show.

I thought of how a life threatening crisis forced me to confront my dysfunction.
I thought of how lack of options forced me to confront the solution of faith.
I thought of how the need for faith forced me to research my objections.
I thought of how my decision for faith forced me to confront my morality and character.
I thought of how I had to go through a reformation.
I thought of how Saul had to go through a reformation period.

Tonight my wife went to work and I stayed with the kids. I caught myself griping at them too much.

When I said prayers tonight my middle son does what he usually does and prompted me to talk to God after our set prayers. I was grateful to him for this because I wasn't going to do it otherwise. I was especially grateful because I thought of doing a little review with them.

I asked God to forgive me for griping at the kids.
I asked God to forgive my oldest for telling a white lie.
I asked God to forgive #2 for not following directions.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Last night I watched an episode of the program "Life on Mars". It occured to me that the character is in a sort of spiritual experience in which he has been brought back to the time when he turned away from his faith.

Most people, myself included must face a life (or sanity) threatening crisis before we become open-minded enough to make a thorough investigation of the spiritual life.

Sam is going through that crisis.

In this experience...
He is revisiting his childhood.
He is faced with questions of right and wrong and good and evil.
He must guide people to make better choices because he comes from another place/time in which he has a better understanding.
He is seeing that the influences that led him away from his faith were not as they seemed because of his own limited perception.

I believe he is undergoing a conversion back to faith and a relationship with God.

When I went through my re-conversion I had to go back through my life and de-construct my walk away from God and all the things that led to that.

It took me back to the days when I was on my knees by my bedside as a boy in 1973 and I still believed.

I had to get back to that point and staTrt over with all my questions and dilemmas with God and allow my faith to be re-formed.

Thank God for second chances.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read the end of Gutter Bravado.

Tonight I went to the Friday night meeting but I didn't want to go. I didn't think anyone was going to show up. I thought about the program and my choice to embrace the spiritual life like a man resurrected.

One guy showed up at the meeting. We got to talk about things he really needed to talk about. Another guy came in and talked to too. The other guy stayed and talked to me about what he needed to talk about.

It was just as it was supposed to be.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I had a very effective and focused meditation. I think I experienced a spiritual growth increment. I found myself needing to trust in God to a greater magnitude. I took the leap and immediately felt like anything was possible and then felt like security and contentment will be a certainty.

This noon I got to chair the meeting. Our topic was tradition 4. I sorted out the following points

AA relates to the group like it does to the individual, it does not require that the group follow it's program.

AA discovered through trial and error that it should make suggestions and allow groups to make their mistakes rather than impose rules, that AA will survive.

This evening I was afraid... until I did this review and apprehended my faith again.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the end of the personal story in the AA Big Book, Gutter Bravado.

This evening after work I got to make dinner.

I spoke to my sponsor about my recent inventory.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

I'm resentful at: The area servants
The cause: They fired me as Internet Committee Chairperson
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem
Where was I to blame: I didn't go to 3 area meetings and I didn't make arrangements and give notice. I knew they might vote me out. I thought I was so good that I was above the rules. I placed too much value on the recognition of the position. I actually decided I didn't care if they fired me because I didn't care about the committee chair I just wanted to be webservant but then when they fired me I was mad...LOL!

I'm resentful at: My wife
The cause: For not making sure to arrange things so that I could attend the area meetings.
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem, sex relations
Where was I to blame: I blamed her unfairly, it was just as much my fault. I made unreasonable demands from her. I am still holding the old sex ideal that the woman should carry the burden of the kids. I was trying to engage in a high maintenance personal activity that is not realistic to do and keep up family responsibilities.

This morning I vaguely remember that last night I had a major using dream.

I took time to meditate this morning and thought of spiritual reparation. I considered that the using dream was further evidence that I was experiencing spiritual deprivation due to not having a review of conscience 3 consecutive nights last week.

I thought of how this may seem overly dependent on the process or unrealistic but I have to remember that I am a person who has been gravely affected by a disease of the mind/spirit that requires dilligent maintenance.

I recieved some inspired conceptions today which I posted to my spiritual blog.

At mid-morning today I receieved notice that I had been fired from my area service position. I reacted angrily and had to do a spot inventory. I was able to reply with civility but lacking gratitude.

I had to resist thoughts of getting even by night being helpful. Later I began to discern that it would be better to be helpful. I got some hints from God when I picked up my son from religious education and read his classwork. Then we played his sticky situations game and the answer was Luke 6:24-37, Love Your Enemies.

I did a 4th step on it tonight.

At noon today I got to go to my meeting, the chapter was the end of step 4 again in the twelve and twelve. How's that for synchronicity. I thought of how I never have like hearing so much about how we're selfish and self-centered then I recalled that my conception of what this meant changed.

After the meeting a guy asked if the information in the Twelve and Twelve was the same as the Big Book. The guy that answered the question was the guy that chaired the meeting. He answered no. I helped by answering yes and no and providing a little more explanation. Once again I was just a support person in service work. I was an anonymous helper, but I got to do what really counts and I got to do it well.

Thanks be to God.

At mid morning I didn't feel right. I couldn't place my finger on it but I just didn't have the usual inspiration that is a daily part of my life. It didn't seem to be an emotional thing, I didn't feel intellectually slow, I didn't have any instinctual disturbance, I just felt a little empty. I thought about divine guidance but this seemed unimportant. At this point I took a spot check inventory of my program. What have I missed? I did 12th step work yesterday. I caught up on my reviews yesterday. That's when I knew what it was. I was feeling the delayed effects of missing my evening review 3 nights in a row. This is one of the cunning aspects of the spiritual malady.

Today I went to the noon meeting and we read the beginning of Gutter Bravado.

This afternoon I spent some time outside with the kids.

Tonight I read about step 11 in the grapevine.

Tonight I was resentful at my wife for reacting angrily with my son. I should have been helping her more.

God save me from being angry, thy will not mine be done.

This morning the boys and I made it to mass without much stress. They both behaved fairly but both made some mistakes and had to do some penance.

I got to go to the CA meeting at the Ranch. I was late so I sat in the audience. The panel speakers went long and I got to speak last. After the meeting I seemed to get booted out of every conversation that joined. Thinking back now I see that I didn't try to seek out anyone new looking.

This Thursday I was blessed to have a full tank of gas from a friend of my wife who borrowed my truck to move her lawnmower. I would not have this if I lived my life of isolation as I did before. This was a small thing but it gave me some appreciation for the things that I take for granted.

I went to the noon meeting, our topic was step four.

This Friday I got to go to the noon meeting.

I got to go to the evening meeting but only two regulars showed up. We sat and talked instead of reading the story.

This Saturday my wife had a garage sale and made $300.00 that our family really needed.

I had an area meeting that day that I did not attend.

During the garage sale our neighbor griped loudly at some people who blocked his driveway. I caught myself getting angry but resisted. I also started to get judgmental that my wife should have thought forward about this.

I put out a sign and no one else parked there. The next day we greeted each other.

The rest of the day I felt very out of order but my son and I took a long bike ride and I felt much better.