Today was a wonderful day for which I am grateful.

My son and I got off to an early start for his last game of the fall season. It was a great time, he made some good plays, and I was proudest of his effort and focus. I was grateful for the efforts of his coaches and for getting to know a great group of boys and parents. But most of all I cherish the time I got to spend with my son before, and my dad after the game.

This morning I had to make a decision about my son's birthday party and be assertive about this with my wife. She did not like this and unloaded on me with some opinions about the inequity of the volume of responsibilities she must manage and the leisurely pace that I get to live by. I hard to forcefully resist the desire to retaliate. The thing that makes it especially difficult is that I have gotten a lot better about managing my feelings in disagreements and I am much more effective at arguing my case. And I feel that I have a strong case in this case. Namely that the volume she is managing is by the choices she has made which I disagreed with when she took them on. I knew the time would come when she would lose sight of this and she would lay this on me. But I had to stick to principle and resist fighting. I thought quickly about how the argument was not worth it. I thought about Christ on the cross and picking up my own cross. I had to try hard to be long tempered and now I must resist judging and forgive the real or perhaps perceived wrong.

Lately I have been thinking and experiencing the untenable volume of tasks that my wife is trying to manage in addition to the responsibilities that come to a mother of four small children. I predict her descending into too much stress and anxiety that could have unexpected consequences for her and for our family. I pray that this is just my mind exaggerating this based on my fears. I have been trying to resist making judgments about this situation because of the high likelihood that I cannot be objective. But now I am seeing warning signs in addition to an example of someone in a similar situation as her who has already descended into internal chaos. Tonight at a social event I saw her smoke a cigarette which took me completely by surprise. Not only did I realize that it is completely unacceptable for anyone in our family to smoke. But more importantly I worry that this is a sign of increasing neurosis.

There I've said it and I need to let it go.

Early in the afternoon my wife took the kids to do trick or treat with my nephew in his neighborhood. I thought about going but it just seemed too long to go from three in the afternoon to eight or so at night. But I sensed my wife's resentment and unwillingness to discuss it, so I took her presumption and accepted the option not to attend. I also knew this would afford me the opportunity to attend a meeting which these days is not a high priority for her and I felt it was the right thing to do despite her grumblings. This is another thing that I have noticed about her lately is her seeming acceptance to live with a good deal of resentment and just allow it to fade from active memory rather than truly process it or resist.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight and I felt that the events, subject matter, low attendance, and the need for my contribution, all affirmed my decision.

I know that I am putting too much thought and energy into thinking about the thoughts and actions of my wife. I believe this is one of the hazards of intimate relationships that I fall into too much dependence upon expectations about her conduct. I pray for God to deliver me from any self-righteousness, or self-justification, or over-reaction. I thank God for giving me a model of marriage which does not depend on my expectations for the behaviors of my spouse but rather on God's plan and grace for us both.

Despite my concerns I got to see several things to be grateful for her today.

I was grateful that she is organizing a party for my son.
I was grateful that she handled the babysitting arrangements with my mom during the baseball game.
I was grateful that she has a relationship with my nephew and sister-in-law.
I was grateful that she brought all the kids to the party after my meeting tonight.
I was grateful that she was beautiful to me at the party.
I was grateful for her contribution to the family members seeking continued recovery.
I was grateful to see my children play and dance with the other kids at the party.
I was grateful that I got to dance and play games with my kids and friends.
I was grateful that my wife took my son to his buddy's party and talked to his mother tonight.

My kid's said this was the best Halloween ever.
I had really great prayer time with them tonight, we thanked God for the day and we talked about All Saint's Day tomorrow.

I am truly blessed.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus Christ.

Today was a low energy day. It seems that I am in an every other day cycle right now. Yesterday was a good day and today I was back to feeling sick.

I am grateful that I get to recover in comfort.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the first thing I did when I woke up was to gripe at my wife because she woke me up and it was late. I was out of sorts and I didn't mean it.

Later in the morning I had the chance to go to a meeting for the first time in a week. I found myself debating going over other priorities but I went out of a sense of commitment. I was thinking of how my mind was trying to deceive me into not going. When I wondered why I thought it was because I am an alcoholic but then I thought not because I don't have the slightest desire to drink. I found myself trying to figure out what it was about myself that was the reason. The meeting topic was on self-will. Everything everyone shared built up to be exactly what I needed to know about myself. Selfishness self centeredness that is the root of my troubles. I did not want to go to the meeting because I am driven by a hundred forms of fear. I have been an extreme example of self-will run riot for the past 7 days. Even thought this hasn't been by choice I have been isolated for 7 days meaning I have been exposed to too much self.

I had a phone conversation with a guy trying to sort out the domain registration that was never taken care of for the 12 step web site that I used to administer that I was fired from. I had self righteous indignation that it is not being handled properly.

It was a long afternoon with kid pick ups and my wife working until 9:00. The kids constant barrage of demands got to me and I spoke to them too rudely most of the time. I need to work on this.

I did get to play with them and love them.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I had a very down day after a pretty good day the day before. I spent a good amount of the day in bed as the symptoms from my flu returned. I was able to do all the kid pickups but I felt very out of sorts when I was up. I thought about how illness like this has a similar affect on the mind as mind altering chemicals do.

Today however was another good day of recovery. I was up and about pretty much like normal and my mental faculties were much better.

I did some good cleaning, some honey-dos, and some off-site errands. Even so I had an antsy feeling and wanted to do more but never could get a clear idea of what would be best.

I thought alot about the possibility that I have a lower spiritual resistance or weakened state. But perhaps it doesn't work that way. I thought about the need to get reconnected in spiritual fellowship activities.

I called my 12 Step sponsor today and tried to get together for the Wednesday meeting that we planned but he never called me back.

I was a little too gripy with the kids at times but I corrected this and made amends.

I watched the video of my son's game on Saturday, this was the highlight of the day.

Thanks be to God.

I thought I was getting over my illness on Friday but I was wrong. I have been very sick all weekend. I have been in bed for the past three days and did not get to make it to mass yesterday. I was even too sick to open up my lap top.

Today was my first day back close to normal, Thanks be to God and my wife that it wasn't worse.

In the evening I was too quick to gripe at the kids but I caught myself and with God's help I turned things around.

This afternoon I learned about using the four senses to read scripture.

Tonight I got gripey with my wife over something trivial but we made amends.

I sense some spiritual deprivation but I trust that the Lord will help restore my spiritual health just as he did my physical health.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday and today I was very sick all day. At times as I got better I felt selfish because I thought maybe I could have helped my wife more with the kids.

My daughter was sick and so my wife laid her down with me and we watched Sleeping Beauty.

Nevertheless, I did help some especially with dinner and I am grateful that I am recovering from this flu after only a couple of days. I remember a few years ago when I would get sick for a week or weeks. I recall parts of my life when I would get sick and relapse and stay sick for a month or months.

I am grateful today that I am not abusing my body and mind in the way that I did all those years.

I thought today about how importance spiritual fitness is because even if I make all the right moral choices, nature will throw me low spots.

I was grateful today that I get the opportunity to raise my children well.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late but I was able to get up and get the kids going. I was supposed to meet with my sponsor but he had to cancel. In lieu of this I went to a meeting. As the meeting went on I did not feel well and decided just to listen. There were three long gaps of silence before I finally decided to share. Despite being sick I was pleased that I was able to make points related to the topic from my experience in a succinct manner.

When I got out of the meeting I was full blown ill. I went home and went straight to bed. Fortunately my wife didn't have school and she was able to do some of the shuttling.

I spent most of the day in and out of bed but I was still able to help around the house. It was a rainy, cloudy, temperate day. My nephew came to visit.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of a few simple simple points to sum the 12 Step process:
Belief in Lack of Power
Belief in Higher Power
Personal Inventory
Mission Mindedness
Results through Action and Practice

I also thought about how I once objected to religion, faith, and 12 Step recovery because they focused so much on personal morality that I thought was irrelevant to "real" problems like world peace, global warming, human rights abuses, cancer, and Tibet. Who cares how I have sex or what things I covet, I have a "real" problem that needs a physiological or psychological treatment, not some ridiculous code of prohibitive rules.

What I didn't get was that my psychological disorder was a complex structure that didn't pop up over night. That the elements of that structure are a lot of bad behaviors that build up gradually from rebellious, to irreverent, to non-conformist, to deviant, to depraved, to toxic. I had to come to view my bad moral conduct as the building blocks of my insanity.

Also it isn't so much the direct consequences of those behaviors that is the problem e.g. promiscuity could lead to stds, rather it is the discontent that comes from unfulfilled expectations when the desires are driven to excess that leads to the real insanity.

I also had to see that I had failed to live up to moral codes and philosophical convictions on my own power. I needed the help of a higher power to command my passions.

Today I was grateful for some quiet time in the morning (after feeding and getting all the kids off to school).
Today I was grateful for the friend in recovery who called me and was my only contact all day.
Today I was grateful for my wife who is a faith filled woman and a good decision maker.
Today I was grateful for the beautiful weather and some time outdoors doing yardwork.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we took the kids to the park as they had the day off from school. I wanted to make sure they were able to get out of the house at least once today. We had a great little time, my son and I threw passes, I climbed the playscape with the little ones, and I went on a walk in the creek with my son.

I got to do some yardwork in the afternoon. My mom visited me with my niece and brought me enchiladas. In the afternoon I got to practice baseball and play kickball with my boys.

A friend called me and we had a long talk about recovery and fishing.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the boys and I went to early mass at 9:00 am. I woke up early with the boys and went back and forth as to whether to go early or wait for my wife (and the girls) to wake up and go as a full family at eleven. In the end I opted to go at eleven because I sensed that we should go before we got too far into the clamors of the day.

At One O'clock I went to the meeting at the treatment center, this week was my turn to share. My wife was late getting back from church and I waited in the truck and hurriedly backed out as soon as she arrived. To be honest I didn't even look at her and acknowledge her. I prayed for God to keep me from being resentful. I offered up my expectations to God also and tried to accept it if I was to be late. Thanks be to God I was not late.

I was a little disappointed that no one else showed up. I had a great topic (insanity as it relates to my willingness) and planned a well formed delivery but I was a little disappointed at my execution. I got a little sidetracked but managed to say most of what was important I believe. anyway, It got me thinking about a lot and I want to write it out to better master the subject.

It blows me away that there is this huge meeting and so few of the sober folks from the outside care to show up. I guess I should just be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I should also consider that part of my job might be to better promote this.

In the afternoon we had a wonderful family outing to a birthday party at Cabelas. My youngest daughter loved naming the animals and making their sounds. It was just like going to the zoo. My oldest son took part in a great store-wide scavenger hunt and the middle kids loved feeding the fish. We all had a great time visiting with friends and playing shooting gallery afterward. It was loads of fun and great memories.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I thought it might be selfish of me to go but my wife sensed I could use the fellowship with my friends and so did I. I was glad that I went because the meeting needed the support. There were lots of people there but not many able to comment on the topic. I was able to contribute and it really got me thinking.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought a lot about the importance of warm-ups. I thought about this in relation to baseball but I also thought about it in relation to all human endeavors including prayer. I thought about how one should learn some one liners that can be used to focus the mind and incrementally build up the prayer contact.

Last night we had a baseball game at 6 pm and I never got to do my review. The game went well but I can't remember anything else about yesterday.'

This morning we had another baseball game at 9 am. I was worried that I would be late if I had to take care of the kids when they woke up. Last night I told my wife that she needed to get up and help me and I immediately felt guilty for making this demand. I tried to let go of my expectation.

My wife woke up with me and all went well. It was a great baseball game in which my son got to pitch the first two innings. My son went home with my dad and I drove home by myself. On the drive home I was filled with gratitude and I was giving God many thanks when I realized that we hadn't even won the game.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt a little aimless but I dove into yard work and kept busy with that all day.

Earlier I was thinking about making judgements "by exception" and this led me to the concept of anti-patterns and toxic behaviors.

I thought a little today about natural law, natural order, and natural truths in general. It occurred to me that perhaps the might be a set of natural truths that could be used as evidence to support the existence of God.

For example:
1. All men have an innate need to worship something.
2. All men have an innate need for spiritual union.
3. All men despise the misuse of the highest truth.
4. All men have an innate need to procreate and live in a family.
5. All men have the potential for violence.
6. All men have the potential for sexual promiscuity.
7. All men have an innate desire for social order and personal security.
8. All men value the truth.
9. All men have a propensity for excessive desire.
10. All men have a propensity for materialism.

This afternoon my wife and I got in an argument about my unwillingness to help her immediately when she stepped out of the van and asked me to put some things away while handing them to me. We made amends shortly thereafter.

It was otherwise a great evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was thinking about dishonesty and rationalization. How does one know if they are rationalizing something? Te rationalizing mind cannot discern the true from the false because it is viewing the world through the lens of it's justification. There have been times when I felt a person that I was talking to was justifying bad conduct but was obstructed by such fine tuned rationale that I knew it was useless. At this point I realize that the person is not surrendered.

I thought about the times that I (or my sponsor with me)have intuitively resorted to just having the rationalizer explain themselves and then answer questions. Sometimes the person will hear themselves objectively now that the thoughts are out in words and then catch themselves in their rationalization. Sometimes this is a delayed effect, the conversation is repeated in the mind and has to be justified and then it becomes apparent.

There have been times when this is not possible. The rationalizer does a mis-direction so emphatically that he does not allow any in roads. Perhaps at this point a good strategy would be to talk about powerlessness and unmanageability. In doing so the attention is directed to the source of the problem, ineffective surrender.

It occurred to me that this plan may be used in every spiritual endeavor. That at the beginning of every conversation there should be an affirmation of powerlessness thus laying the groundwork for increased honesty and open mindness. This is something that I can apply to myself also.

This morning I made a conscious decision not to go to the AA club due to the spiritual chaos I have been encountering there. I considered that this might be selfish.

I thought alot about selfishness and self-centeredness again today. I thought about how the problem is the "ishness" and the centeredness, this is where self has become disordered.

I wrote some thoughts on step 10 this morning prompted by the daily reflection.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and our topic was step 10 brought by someone who didn't know about the daily reflection. The meeting had a lot of attendees but there was a long silence when the floor was opened. I got to open the sharing because I had already thought about this topic.

It was an uneventful day but I felt like I really loved this day.

Thanks be to God.

Last night my wife asked me to help her study at the time I was trying to do my evening review so I am reviewing yesterday the 12th on today the morning of the 13th.

Yesterday morning I went to the big AA club in my area for a meeting at 10:30. When I was there waiting for the meeting to start a lady asked me to step up and chair. I was grateful for the confidence to do it. As the meeting got underway I felt a little nervous so I asked God for help.

As the meeting transpired I felt something that I have felt there recently as I have been attending meetings there alot lately. That is that the people there are crazy. There are some regulars and spot attendees who like to talk in an antagonistic tone about there pet peeves in AA. They typically don't stick to the topic. They address things that other people mentioned in their share and then exaggerate it and give a rebuttal. They go on these boisterous rants that are hard to follow and leave you wondering what the heck they were talking about. They all seem to think that they have AA right and others have it wrong.

I can see why so many people don't want to go to those meetings. The weirdest thing though is that it feels like a spiritual assault. I feel as though they are all trying to get others including myself shook up. One morning I started talking to a guy about some spiritual stuff, then another chimed in, then another. They all seemed like they were trying to convince me about something, they all ranted they all seemed at various times to be fighting each other.

The really weird thing is that they all share some spiritual truths then just when you start to feel comfortable they drop a foul bomb of self centered discord. I get the creepy feeling that there are demonic entities working to wreak havoc through these individuals.

A guy asked me to sponsor him after the meeting.

It was a busy afternoon doing all the kid pickups and then I had to take my son to his speech therapy with brothers and sisters in tow. I got irritated at my wife because she chose to go take a test and study rather than watch the brothers and sister. The waiting room with the three kids was stressful but I thought of all the people that I know that don't have the opportunities to be with their children like I do and I became grateful and got over my self-centeredness.

We had a nice albeit late dinner and the evening went by quickly.

Thanks be to God.

This morning at 4:00 am I woke up with an upset stomach. I started thinking about my recent meetings. Then I remembered that at some time during the day on Saturday or Friday I had a thought of a sex act and using coke. When I had this random thought (as I occasionally do) I didn't experience that abrupt halt that usually automatically happens and the prayer followed by willingness to turn away from any further thoughts. What happened was that I had the desire to pursue the thought and play the using thought through. I entered a using fantasy and wanted to remember what it felt like. I was pulled into the thought for about 5 minutes. I did reluctantly exercise my will to pray and the thought was exercised shortly thereafter and then again later when it tried to crop up again.

What became apparent to me this morning was that some deep seated part of my inner self had willfully minimized and dismissed the thought and I never inventoried it or told anyone. I also just realized that I have been minimizing talking to my sponsor.

Last night my wife wanted to spend time together at the end of the evening when I was trying to do my review so this is a review of yesterday, Sunday (it is 5:00 am Monday).

Yesterday morning I found the initiative to get all 4 kids dressed and take them to the 9:00 am mass by myself. I knew that my wife was going to a job at 12:00 noon so we had planned to all go at 9:00 am. When she didn't wake up (because she was up doing homework until 2:00 am)I resolved to at least take the boys myself. But, then I went ahead and got the oldest girl dressed and then the youngest so I incrementally got up the willingness to try and take them all.

It went very well with only a few short, uncomfortable burst of bawling from my youngest when we first arrived and some normal level messing around by the middle children during mass. But all in all I got to have a great worship and communion all things considered. Our readings were about the rich young man (who kept the commandments all his life) who asked what it would take to enter the kingdom of heaven and Jesus told him his one obstacle would be to leave all he owned and follow Him. I noted that the responsorial psalm was "blessed are the poor of spirit". I thought about how this might mean that the downgtrodden don't have worldly attachments to deter them.

I was grateful that I never felt resentful while managing the kids for mass.

In the afternoon I found the initiative to do a lot of housework, cleaning, and kid maintenance. Even through a football game. in the afternoon I turned off the TV and we had a nice stew dinner in a clean house on a cool day.

When my wife came home I sort of insisted that I go to a meeting even though I had been last night. Our topic was the reading "selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles". I thought about how I always thought this was only the religious view of the cause of my using problem and that the real psychological cause would be revealed in the inventory process to be much more complex than that. I thought about how i never liked the repeated self-bashing that seemed to be prevalent in the text.

I thought about how recently I had an epiphany of how the program had given me a new paradigm, of how when I tried to codify this I concluded that every time I have a problem that self is the first place I need to look for the solution. That all my disturbances arise from self regardless of what the cause is. They arrive from some form of mis-directed instinct in my inner self. The reading lists some of these forms of self shortly after the initial sentence but I initially attached these to fear and I had not reached that point of the inventory which showed me how fear drove my mis-directed instinct yet when I formed my initial conception.

I was grateful to get to go to the meeting.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt disconnected all morning. I didn't get to sleep until late last night and I had a very hard time waking up and getting through my prayers this morning. Then I kept needing to rest and I felt very unproductive. My wife went to class and was away until 3:30 in the afternoon when I was sch3eduled to do step work with a guy. I was resentful because she was reluctant to come home at this time. I was resentful because I felt like this situation robbed me of my initiative when I found myself feeling aimless and disconnected after attending to the children all day.

Nevertheless, throughout the day I resisted these feelings each time they cropped up. I asked God to remove them, to take away my blaming, and to keep and open mind about my attitude and outlook on life. I tried to remember that "this too shall pass".

In the evening my wife came home but the guy I was supposed to meet with canceled so I felt that the right thing to do was to continue to help my wife with kids. I found myself getting resentful when she was taking a nap while I fed the kids but I resisted. I was grateful for the pot of stew that she started in the morning before she left.

After dinner my son had a party for his friend around the block. My wife intended to take all the kids by herself while I was supposed to be working with the sponsee. But since he canceled I could have had some free time. I felt compelled to attend the party even though I didn't feel well or want to.

At the party I enjoyed seeing my kids have fun and have lots of friends. We learned that the boy's father is my 1st cousin once removed so the boys are cousins also. I had heard earlier in the day about a family reunion and I didn't want to go but this changed my attitude. In fact the whole experience at the party changed my attitude and outlook about a lot of things. Or maybe my attitude and outlook just changed by God's grace.

I went to the meeting with this renewed attitude and outlook on life. Interestingly these thongs were the topic of the meeting. I wrote about it in my other blog.

I close this day looking forward to tomorrow with a new attitude and outlook on life.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I remembered where my thoughts about faith and reason were taking me the other day.

The most common objection to faith is that it is without reason. The case for faith says that faith fills in the gaps where reason does not completely answer. In ancient time there was little knowledge about the workings of the natural realm. Therefore faith tended to be centered around affecting the natural world and meeting the material needs of man. As time passed, the spiritual benefits of faith were discovered and grew. So faith eventually had a three fold makeup, explaining the natural world, meeting the needs of man, and providing spiritual fulfillment. Through the progress of scientific understanding and technological advancement, the emphasis on supernatural explanation of the natural world and provision of man's material needs has decreased. Conversely the emphasis on spiritual fulfillment has increased.

This presents a dilemma of faith because we live by such a naturalistic and material world view that we have become trained to lean too heavily on these realms in which we see little reason for faith. But given a life crisis (or humility) by which we become willing to consider the spiritual. Given due consideration the spiritual connection becomes inherently resonant within us.

Today my youngest daughter did not have school so I was home with her. It was a rainy, stormy morning and we didn't have any errands to run so we were stuck inside.

In the afternoon my wife stayed at school studying until after dinner. As the day wore on I began to have simmering resentment. I was angry because I had been stuck at home all day and she had a meeting tonight.

There were a lot of little things that I would start to get irritated about and had to resist being angry about. I had to stop and allow the children to live and make mistakes many times today. I had to stop and pray for God to save me from being angry.

The show "Watching the Goal" came on tonight and it was about being angry. They talked about natural anger and when anger becomes sin. I agreed with a lot of what they said but I didn't agree that there is some anger that is ok and motivational especially for social change. I am grateful for the understanding that anger is a poison for me no matter what the cause. Also that anger is really a fear at some level and that it is basic instinct that blinds me.

While my wife was at her meeting my younger son was playing with a toilet roll holder and half of it and the spring fell in the toilet. I fished it out with tongs and flushed the toilet but it fell out of the tongs and flushed down the drain. I got angry and had to pray - God save me from being angry, Thy will not mine be done.

Then when the kids were finishing their fruits before bed I sat down for my review. The kids finished and the young ones started playing running back and forth. I was about to get up and put them to bed when I heard one of them slam into a door. My daughter came stammering to my room bawling and then look at me and her eyes rolled back and she fell flat on her back and hit the back of her head.

I called my wife and was so angry that I just yelled at her to come home and I hung up. I was angry without just cause, I was angry just 'cause.

As I write this I remember that she had to take all three kids to the doctor by herself this morning and she did not lose her cool. I got to stay home and take a deep nap. During a small amount of free time today I stained a picnic table instead of doing something that could have made this day go smoother. I did do a good job of catching up on a lot of cleaning that was needed so I was completely out of order.

All in all I have a lot to be grateful for, I am letting my selfishness get the better of me in making demands that I need "me" time. I need to make amends to my wife.

I spoke briefly to a sponsee who checked in with me. I got to talk to a person in the neighborhood who is going through a lot of family turmoil.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I was slow getting going but felt a little better than last night. I was able to help with the kids but I was somewhat lethargic and groggy and I didn't help as well with some things that made my wife angry. I had a moment of resentment - protect me Lord from all anxiety.

When my wife came home she was civil and we ignored any ill will.

I ran some errands and thought a lot about things related to faith and reason but I can't remember exactly what they are now. I wanted to write my thoughts down and I regret that I can't remember but I am seeing that they usually come back to me on another day so I will trust that God will help me with this - Thanks be to God.

I went to a morning meeting, we talked about continuing to take personal inventory with an emphasis on promptly admitting when we were wrong. I lot of people talked about a lot of stuff some of it somewhat related to the topic some not so much. I was grateful for the opportunity to have some experience with this to share, even though it is repetitive - Thanks be to God.

This evening I got to do some baseball practice with my son and his neighbor friend at the park. I was grateful to get this in as our team practice tomorrow will likely be rained out - Thanks be to God.

Last night at 8:30 after the kids all had their baths I was exhausted and had to lay down for a moment. My wife came in and handled things from there on out. I heard her griping about things and felt resentful and remorseful that I was not up and about. I never got back up except to take cold medicine and I did my evening review in my head - Protect me Lord from all anxiety.

It had been a busy day. I woke up early and got the kids going with a hot breakfast - Thanks be to God.

I had a hard time going to sleep the previous night because I had a severe coughing fit and congestion. I slept fitfully but in the morning I woke up in much better shape - Thanks be to God.

At mid morning I got to listen to some more of the D'Souza vs. atheist debates - Thanks be to God.

Afterwards I went and ran some errands during which time I thought about how religion evolved from man needing to pray for his material needs to man praying for spiritual needs. This is reflected in the Gospel where Jesus teaches man this new model of faith. I read about supercessionism. - Thanks be to God.

In the afternoon my wife decided to go to the library and study. This meant that I had to handle mealtime and then load all the kids shuttle him to class and unload him and then do it all over again to pick him up then bathe them all. By this time of the day my energy ran out and so did my patience. I think I might have griped at the kids but I don't recall clearly. I was resentful at my wife, but what I failed to consider is that I also did some yardwork that I could have postponed - Protect me Lord from all anxiety.

Deliver me, Lord, from every evil and grant me peace in my day. In your mercy, keep me free from sin, and protect me from all anxiety.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of how I should measure my spiritual activities. I can measure them in effort. I can measure them in efficacy. But both of these measures are subjective and I wasn't able to do this accurately when I tried. The one method that did work for me was to use a time frame and check whether I had taken the action steps. Some of the steps are instructed to be done on a daily basis, "On awakening", "throughout the day", "when we retire at night", for example. Others are not so specific and may not be practically done on a day to day basis.

I found that a day, a week, and a month (rarely) are good measures. One seemed to be the best time frame because that was about the average length of my binging cycle.

Today I remembered something that I have been thinking about that I cannot effectively judge my behavior (or take my inventory) because I am viewing this through the lens of my own belief and value systems and if they are flawed then my analysis is flawed.

This morning I thought about when I would be able to make meetings this week. I realized that I have a small window of opportunity between 9-12 in the morning. All the weeknights are questionable and my wife was at school when I was pondering this so I decided to go ahead and go at the 10:30 meeting. I was grateful for this decision because when she got off from school she let me know that she was working tonight.

It was a good meeting and it was a good day.

Thanks be to God.

Today, this morning I was kinda sick but my wife was almost completely incapacitated. Fortunately I was in good enough shape to manage the children and to go out and find some resale items.

I thought some about the various forms of self:
self-reliance
selfishness
self-centeredness

I also thought of some other forms of self that help me better understand why my main problems is self:
self-validation
self-justification
self-righteousness
self-valuation

This afternoon I felt overwhelmed by the constant badgering with "whys?" from the kids. I am grateful that they are inquisitive.

An old friend saw a post about autism from my wife and came forward that two of his children are autistic. This gave me cause to reflect on just how far he has come. As I drove him to speech therapy today I was grateful for the thousand "whys?" that he peppered me with.

I got to read the grapevine while I waited and talked to a sponsee on the phone.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I as I woke up I had a profound thought that I wish I could remember. I wanted to get up and write it down but I realized that if I did this then I would be placing it ahead of prayer and meditation and I would be risking that I would not ever get back to it as the kids were awake and we would need to start getting ready for church.

Whatever it was it was so edifying that I felt inspired all morning. We were all able to get to church on time despite the fact that my wife couldn't wake up until the last hour before church.

At mass my wife and the kids were not being quiet and I started to get resentful. I had to resist and ask for God's help. During the liturgy my wife was distracted with the kids several times and tried to get me to attend to them as well. I stayed focused to the mass but again felt anger rising several times.

After mass I went to the treatment center meeting. It was a great meeting, we talked about surrender. Afterward I talked to a sponsee on the phone for a while.

This afternoon I was alone with the kids again and had moments where I was overwhelmed. But we made it through the evening and all was ok. I think that I must let go of all attempts at rest and all media as I am not keeping up meals and cleaning properly.

Tonight my son was afraid because my wife had told him about a lucid man outside the place where she was sitting last night. I terribly want him to sleep with me because I remember the night terrors that I went through when I was a child but I know he will have to face this fear and sleep in his own bed again sooner or later so I told him to sleep there until I finish this review.

Thanks be to God.

This morning went well, I got to sleep in a little and I made us a nice breakfast. I got to spend some time with my wife before she went to work.

In the afternoon we had a baseball game. I was a little apprehensive as the main coaches were not there and I had to take on a greater level of responsibility. My son got to pitch for the first time ever in a game.

Today I listened again to some of the Dines D'souza debates about God. I was again edified in my faith and in my approach to faith. I came to a conclusion that there are 3 basic reasons that people need to believe in God. 1) Because belief in God elevates us above the limitations of our desires and fears in a way that is not achievable by human intention alone, 2)Because... right now in my exhaustion I can't remember the other two.

Today a friend of mine died from the sudden onset of colon cancer. My heart grieves for him and his family but I am grateful that he got to experience hope in recovery before he died and that he had a belief in God to elevate him through his tragedy. I am also grateful that I got to see him changed and that he had become friendly with me in the past month.

Tonight was a little difficult because I was alone with the kids but I am grateful to be alive in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a thought that religions typically offer 3 propositions:
That man has a spiritual component to his nature
That man has a creator with a purpose for him
That the man will be lifted to a higher plane of existence through faith

I thought some more about the evolution of religion. Primitive faiths had tribal gods who behaved like humans, needed to be appeased and were responsible for all the affairs of the tribe including war, food, calamity, and punishment. Faiths evolved into a higher order with supreme Gods and with an emphasis on the spiritual philosophy and consciousness. The pinnacle of faiths is Christianity which is monotheistic, gives a philosophy for living, prioritizes the spiritual life, rejects violence, and provides identification through the condescension of God.

Christianity has also evolved.

This afternoon I took the three little kids to the park while killing time before picking up the oldest. During our time there I got a call from a guy who needed spiritual support. Toward the end of the call the kids began to demand attention. I was a little resentful. Afterward I was grateful for the opportunity to be of service and figured that God was helping me to keep from being overindulgent.

I got to take the kids to the park in the nice weather twice today.
I got to take my son to baseball practice.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to a good start and everyone made it on time.

I thought about my sobriety program and decided I had better make a meeting today or else I might not get a chance before Monday. I went to a meeting at 10:30 am, we talked about step 10 and spiritual fitness. It was a good meeting and I got to talk to some good guys before and after.

Today I had some interesting thoughts about religion as part of the evolutionary process of man. Hmmm, I wish I could remember exactly what I was thinking but I get the general idea.

This evening my oldest son had a baseball game. As the game went on I stopped for a few moments and watched my other kids from the dugout. I enjoyed watching them have the most joyous times of their life running around with other kids and playing in the warm indian summer evening at the ballfield.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Yesterday m son and I continued what is becoming a routine of praying on the way out the door to school.

I am reviewing yesterday today because I was engrossed in another atheist vs. Christian debate video last night.

Yesterday morning I continued to pursue my obsession to restore the BMX bike for my son. I was dishonest and selfish in my decision that I had to buy hand grips and footpegs for the bike. I convinced myself that my son has to have these things and that we won't miss the money. Then I was remorseful for spending it - fear. Perhaps it is just the way as God intended so I will accept the gift and let go of my fear.

There have been several instances in the past few days where I have had lustful feelings when I have seen women in revealing clothes. The reason this is noteworthy is because the feelings have replayed themselves. I resolve now to become willing to let God remove them. I must remember that while these thoughts might not lead me directly to active infidelity, they will lead to desire that cannot be fulfilled and thus to discontent. Ultimately this is selfish and harmful to others. Lord Jesus - Thy will be done.

God has been blessing me with patience towards the children. I have been remembering to apply discipline without anger on a much more consistent basis this day.

Each of my kids has been requesting my affection every day, for this I am grateful.

I found some more free materials and worked on restoring the free picnic table.

This day I didn't speak to anyone in the program - this must be corrected.

This day I prayed and thought deeply about spiritual matters throughout the day.

I started practicing pitching with my son but had to go to the store for my wife. I resisted getting angry.

I need to do more cleaning in the house.

I am grateful to have a house - Thanks be to God.