This morning at 4:00 am I woke up with an upset stomach. I started thinking about my recent meetings. Then I remembered that at some time during the day on Saturday or Friday I had a thought of a sex act and using coke. When I had this random thought (as I occasionally do) I didn't experience that abrupt halt that usually automatically happens and the prayer followed by willingness to turn away from any further thoughts. What happened was that I had the desire to pursue the thought and play the using thought through. I entered a using fantasy and wanted to remember what it felt like. I was pulled into the thought for about 5 minutes. I did reluctantly exercise my will to pray and the thought was exercised shortly thereafter and then again later when it tried to crop up again.

What became apparent to me this morning was that some deep seated part of my inner self had willfully minimized and dismissed the thought and I never inventoried it or told anyone. I also just realized that I have been minimizing talking to my sponsor.