Today I felt aimless much of the day. I felt like I couldn't commit to a clear cut task because my daughter came home from school and I was babysitting much of the time. Perhaps it would be good to list the things that I did get to do so that I can appreciate my usefulness.

I got to look for some jobs and log them. I got to reply to a response and get the practice of interacting with a prospective employer.
I got to troubleshoot a website for my wife's employer.
I got to read and study about morality, ethics, and religion.
I got to help my son do his book report.
I got to help feed, dress, change and entertain my kids.
I got to keep up and clean our house.
I got to pray with my son.

In the afternoon my mom called and told me that my sister is ill. I pray that God will help her through this and that she can find faith also.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting that I don't usually go to. I got to speak to a guy that I hadn't seen in a while and he got me caught up about a friend who is in the hospital. I felt selfish for not having kept in contact. A guy there told me that he heard me speaking about and that he remembered me from 2 years ago.

Today there were several moments that my son sensed my irritability and he extended an embrace and encouragement even though I was correcting him. He made me proud that he is learning good character. Tonight before prayers he told me that I was the best and gave me a pat on the back.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday when we woke up my wife was ill. I also felt like I was coming down with something and was late waking up. I was afraid that I would not be able to get the kids going and make it to mass. But I tool it a little at a time and tried not to become set in my mind to not making it and we made it. I had to keep my thoughts from going into thinking that my wife got herself sick by pushing herself too hard to do things that were not necessary. I thought about all the extra stuff that she did for thanksgiving that we could have done without. I tried not to be resentful.

The kids did great in mass and it was a beautiful celebration of the first Sunday of advent. I had a talk with the kids before mass and they really responded. They actually behaved better than I have ever seen. I had to resist gloating about it to my wife. The priest spoke about how people separate themselves from God. He said that we typically only think of the mortally sinful lifestyles but that the most common way that people become separated from God is by making the daily duties of job, home, kids, yardwork, etc. become too important and time consuming that no time is left for God.

I spent all afternoon helping my kid do his science project. I should have started this 2 weeks ago. I was grouchy and resentful much of the time. My son was enthusiastic and he encouraged me to overcome my resentment. My wife got out of bed and helped with the kids and helped me put it together. It turned out great.

In the evening we were late getting to bed and I never got a chance to do my evening review so I am doing this on Monday morning.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday was both a day of recovery from the busy Thanksgiving day before and a busy day of preparation for our 2nd Thanksgiving event today.

I spent the day helping my wife clean inside, doing yard work, watching the kids, and putting up Christmas lights on our house. At times I was really worried about the cleanliness of the house. At the end of the day I felt like I should have spent more time cleaning than putting up Christmas lights and playing football with my son.

I was up very late and didn't get a chance to go to a meeting or talk to any of my friends in recovery. I think I was resentful that I have to pace out my meeting attendance as a matter of duty to my family. I tend to fault my wife but I realize that this is my self-centeredness.

In the evening I looked at the Christmas lights and was pleased at how beautiful they are.

Today was a busy day from the very start. We had our Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my in-laws. I was worried how it would turn out but it was absolutely perfect. I was nervous about saying grace but was grateful for the opportunity to be the guy who is called upon for this and my son told me that I did good.

I took the time to take a phone call while I was at the grocery store and it was a friend in the program. We talked at length about our holiday experience and about God's power over temptation.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting and I got to share my experience with the solicitations to drink and use and how even though I had neglected to prepare specifically for those situations, I was ready with what was truly important which is spiritual preparedness. None of the solicitations had any power over me because of the spiritual activities that I make time to do even when I don't have time. The only thing that I regretted was that I didn't specify that it's God's power that takes away the power of temptation although that was what I meant.

Today I never worried about my vehicle that is broken down at the shop.

In the evening my son joined be in my bed and we talked about my evening review. He remembered all the questions from the big book and we reviewed my day. That review looked different than the way these turn out and I wondered if that is more constructive than this. In thinking about why that is may be because that review is meant for a specific purpose of reviewing my failing while this is more of a journal.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we had to rush out of the house on a trip to a family reunion in another town. I had some trepidation because my parents were late signing us up and because I had reservations about doing this type of event on Thanksgiving day. I felt like this should a close family tradition. Not only that but I was worried about my truck which broke down last night and probably has a blown head gasket at least.

When we got to the town of the event we stopped at a store and my younger son threw up on himself. We had to spend time buying him some pants. This set us back about forty minutes. When we arrived at the event all was well and we were not that late.

I also have a natural aversion to these events because I am a bit uncomfortable around all of the family members that I don't know that I should know. But this was fine, we got to know people and my kids were well liked and received a lot of compliments. The location was in a beautiful park next to the miniature train station. My kids got to ride the train, see animals and fish in the river directly behind the station and they got to hit a pinata. They said that it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

I had 3 strong solicitations to drink with the group of guys that just happened to be the guys that I knew best. I noticed that those guys shared a common bond in their shared experience of getting loaded. The thought of what it would feel like to be drinking there crossed my mind. I was grateful that I didn't feel like I would like to do that. My mind thought about how much it would suck also and immediately rejected the idea. I also remember what it used to be like to feel like I needed to be part of that group that shared that experience. I was grateful that I didn't feel like that anymore also. I was also grateful to be comfortable interacting with the normal people also even though most of them were different than me in many ways.

This evening I reread Fr. Barron's article about the vampire craze. I picked up on a theme that was my experience. When I lived a pragmatic, secular life I objected to the notions of eternal life, spirituality, or the supernatural if they related to God and religion. But when it came to things like clairvoyance, esp, demonic possessions, spirits, etc. I was fascinated and much more open minded. At some point in my life I realized the incongruity and I tried to reject them. I tried to reject any belief or fascination but i could not seem to deny things like deja vu and uncanny synchronous events and the idea of spiritual guides. When I would catch myself I would blame it on having been conditioned by religion. Later it was through science fiction that I became more open minded. I read about the possibilities of alternate dimensions, energy beings, and mental telepathy. I noticed the similarities of these ideas to supernatural phenomena. This opened the door for the possibility that these could be plausible and do not require evidence because they are outside of the nature of this realm.

As I write this this evening I have a profound feeling that I have regained clarity and willingness about my addict nature that had been elusive lately.

Today I was home with the kids all day because they were out of school. I had to stop myself from griping too much this morning. Then my son had a fit of defiance at mid day and I had to catch myself from using anger again. I was able to recognize excessive obstinacy early on and avoid too severe of consequences and correct it without a major break down for either one of us.

I got to have lots of good times with the kids today even though I was very preoccupied.


In the evening I took them across town to pick up a swing set for the club. On the way home my truck broke down.

I am grateful that I didn't break down in the middle lane of the highway that I was able to get to the shoulder.
I am grateful that I had water and was able to get the kids some food.
I am grateful that none of them were too afraid.
I am grateful for free towing from our insurance.
I am grateful for our frined who owns the car repair shop.
I am grateful that it looks like I have a blown head gasket and not a blown engine.

Today I had a dream about my wife. We had been separated for a long time and I was telling her that I had realized that she had become a part of me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I decided to go to a meeting to encourage my wife to go to hers. The meeting turned out to be a traditions meeting on tradition 10. I revisited the parallel of the relationship of this tradition to the fellowship and the principle of self examination to myself.

This afternoon I was planing to pick up the oldest kid at school and I began to dread walking. I realized this was because of the behavior of one of the kids that walks with and the dynamic with my son. I talked to my wife about it and she encouraged me to go. When we walked everyone behaved and we all enjoyed each others company. I got to guide the boys to be kinder to the one little girl. I was grateful for the shared experience of walking home in the nice weather.

I thought alot today of the talk that my wife and I did last night. I thought about how this sense of shared mission really brings us together.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a busy day. We had a thanksgiving lunch at my daughter's preschool from 11 - 1. Before that I tried to rewrite my story in order to get my thoughts in order for a talk that my wife and I were scheduled to give at a treatment center on their family night. I found myself struggling to focus and needing to change many things. But I couldn't stay on track and I kept wanting to go in depth on things that would just have made the talk way too long and irrelevant to this crowd. I also didn't seem to have that creative sense of inspiration that I usually have for this.

All day long it just didn't seem right and I was deeply distracted. All I could think about was a discussion I had with my wife in the morning in which she opened up to me about her lack of a spiritual life. Since this talk was to the family I felt like a fraud and hypocritical. I felt like we would be up there talking about how great sobriety and the spiritual life was but knowing that maybe things weren't all that great.

Then I got an intuition that this was a spiritual attack. I stopped and asked God for help. I realized that I was placing too much expectation on my wife and that I might just be going through a low point in the biorythmic cycle. I decided that I would take it easy and that however imperfect our talk might be that just our presence would be helpful.

As we pulled up there tonight I felt stressed about the timing of trying to do this talk while my wife is in school, and our daily lives are so busy especially with the holidays. Then I thought about what it must be like being in treatment at this time. I became grateful for the opportunity.

Our talk went well. I was a little disappointed at some things I left out. I told the story of how I considered that the God idea might be a mind trick or purely a psychologically powerful idea. I spoke of how this gave me enough to work with and find belief. What I left out was that when I thought of this idea that I realized that this resonated deeply within me. That I realized that I had an innate desire to believe. I thought of the ideas by the observations of Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung of the psychological archetypes.

In the end the evidence for God that convinced me was not from cosmology or biology. It is not that the universe seems fine tuned for life or that the body seems fine tuned by a creator. It was the God idea itself that convinced me. It was the idea that a person convinced of directives from God had the power to achieve a level of self control that would exceed what he could achieve himself.

This did not require evidence in the material world but rather it came from within.

I felt a lot better about myself and my wife after our talk.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I became engrossed in the movie "The Day The Earth Stood Still". It was weird because as much as I liked the original movie, I had no desire to see this one. I didn't want to see it because I had heard reviews about it and heard that it had a political slant that humans are ruining the planet and the alien races are here to save the earth. So I started to watch it out of curiosity about the special effects but stuck with it out of an intuition even though I wasn't impressed with the effects or the story. But, I was very surprised with the ultimate message of the movie which seemed to have been a second thought to bring some closure. I think this slipped by the reviewers as well. The moral of the story that I saw was about human nature. The scientist Barnhardt makes the case for allowing humanity to face its crises and try to rise to the occasion. Mankind lacks the will to change, Klaatu contends, but Barnhardt objects that “It’s only at the precipice that we change.” I saw this parallel to how individual get stuck in compulsive thinking and cannot change until we are forced to by the precipice. I saw this as the catalyst to willingness.

Yesterday morning a friend from the 12 step fellowship called me and asked if I wanted to help set up for the big speaker event. I had abandoned any plans to do so because my wife was off at school all day. The friend got me motivated to go there and take my picnic table and benches. I don't know if this actually helped bt it helped me to get me out of the house in the morning.

I was stuck at home all afternoon but got to go to the club for the pot luck before the meeting. I was disappointed that I couldn't stay for the speaker from Houston as my wife had to work but I realized that it would be selfish of me to resent this.

In the evening my son was afraid again and he needed me to sleep with him. I am concerned that this will become a habit that I should be correcting before it gets out of hand but I can't help thinking of when I was a young boy and I had night terrors. I also thought about how he will only be a boy for a little time and I should just enjoy this time I have with him.

This morning we made it to mass on time and in good spirits. Today was a special mass celebrating Christ The King. I was at times very proud of my children for their behavior even though they weren't perfect. I remember that I took the time to gather them and pray this morning.

My wife was gone all day at school again. By the evening I started going stir crazy and at one point was yelling too much at the kids. I was worried today about my wife and my speaking engagement tomorrow evening. I was worrying because my wife is very tense with me right now. I was also worried about not feeling prepared.

In the evening I asserted myself to go to the meeting because I was just too stir crazy. After the meeting I had a feeling that tomorrow night would be ok.

I thought about sharing my story starting with my first trip to treatment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to talk to a good friend about recovery.

Last night I renewed the domain for my sobriety blog and I'm not sure that I need it. I spent some time updating the content today.

I forgot to take my son to his therapy appt. My wife is angry at me about it.

I spent too much time alone today.

I got to to go to a meeting this evening. There was only one guy there but we got to talk a little.

Thanks be to God.

This morning when I woke up I was able to get straight through my prayers and meditation without struggle.

As the day began a good list of to-dos transpired for me. I was able to get them all done. I was able to take care of my financial tasks and able to do some things in prep for a big speaker meeting this weekend at the 12 step club.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We spoke about selfishness and self-centeredness from page 62 in the Big Book. The discussions seemed to focus on 2 common threads, That our scope of vision is infinitesimal compared to God's, and that our vision is obscured by our old ideas and misdirected instincts. It dawns on me right now that rule 62 may allude to this page.

Afterward a friend spoke to me and asked about some used tires that I needed to sell. His tires are bald but he is getting larger rims in a couple of months so he needed to some tires to get by. He remembered that I had some tires for sale so we came to my house to look at them and they worked perfectly for him and he bought them. Thanks be to God for this good fortune.

When I got in I saw that my wife was staying up late to have another mom and her kids over for a movie. I complained about this on a school night and she got defensive and I retorted about this poor decision. This escalated until I machined gun out some truths about her lack of good judgment. Nothing I said was incorrect but I was very wrong because I was too enamored with being right and I was too inconsiderate in how I spoke to her. I repetitively prayed for God to save me from being angry and for me to accept that His will be done not mine. Her anger dissipated in a little while and we made nice before going to sleep. Now I just need to apologize to her.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I met with my friend and 12 Step sponsor. It was good to talk over our experiences in life and my difficulties. We talked about the need for me to fully place my trust in God. Afterward I went to the post office about my broken mailbox and found out it will be repaired free of charge. When I got home my wife said that several things had miraculously come together to help us through this financial difficulty and give our children a decent Christmas.

In the afternoon I walked to pick up my oldest son from school. On the way back I caught the mailman filling the mailbox and I was able to get my mail from him. He was listening to the religious radio station that I listen to and we had a little chat about a discussion on the movie 2012. The letter regarding my unemployment insurance extension was in my mail.

Later I browsed the Word On Fire website and their was an excellent review of the movie 2012 by Fr. Barron. It just occurred to me just how coincidental it is that the scripture reading in the mass this week was the Apocalypse from Revelation

I forgot to pick up my nephew. I should be more considerate, loving, and supportive of him.

This evening I got to watch The Three Paths to Holiness.

Thanks be to God.

Today was like trying to drink from a firehose.

Upon awakening I struggled to focus during prayer. I got up and tried to get awake but still floundered. I simply surrendered and plodded through my prayers as best as possible.

I thought alot about the reasons people need God today.

I made a decision to go to a morning meeting so that my wife would be able to go to an evening meeting if she was inclined to do so. I questioned whether going to the meeting served any purpose because those people don't know me but I committed to going anyway.

I read the Daily Reflection so that I would have some thoughts prepared should that be the topic. The reflection was about the resolution of loneliness and the part that prayer and meditation played in effecting conscious contact with God. I had been meditating on the reasons people need God and saw a common thread of #2 Unconditional Love and Friendship.

When the reading was read at the meeting I thought of how my thoughts about prayer and meditation this month have gravitated toward effecting conscious contact. This took me in a different direction and caused me some distraction as I was trying to narrow down my brainstorm of thoughts. I also began to question if I was off target. The meeting opened with a thud of complete silence and after 2 people shared it ground to a silent halt again. So I spoke up despite my confusion. My speaking was halting and my words were possibly incongruous but I did my best to stay on target. I was dissatisfied afterward but thinking back I couldn't think of anything terribly off target so I guess I did my best to carry the message.

During the meeting I felt re-connected with the people there and was glad that I went.

This afternoon became particularly stressful. My wife informed me that we were in a financial crisis and that she had arranged for a meeting with an organization for emergency aid. I questioned her judgment about this and we got into an argument about it. Fortunately pickup time for my daughter came and it provided us with some separation. Then I fell into remorse over my actions and was afraid that she was going to cancel the help that we probably need. I realized that my actions were based in pride and fear. Thankfully she was agreeable with me when I got back and she hadn't canceled the meeting and didn't stay mad. I admitted my wrong and my fear to her.

On top of that the key on my mailbox won't work and we are waiting on mail critical to our income.

I was reading someones Facebook app that said God wants you to know... It said ... that today is a big day for you. Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message.

I struggled with my fear and pride of the meeting that was going to take place at my house. I worried that I would know the people. I even had an absurd thought that what if one of the persons might be someone I went to high school with. I did my best to give it to God.

A guy called me in the afternoon who was in a crisis of faith and I was able to help him and he was able to help me.

The meeting took place in the evening and one of the interviewers was someone that I went to High School with. The interview went well, my pride became inconsequential, we got some assistance, they reassured me that many people are getting assistance these days, and my fears were relieved.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
We have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

"Oh to grace how great a debtor!"

Thanks be to God.

This morning I took my truck in to replace the front tires because they are so worn they have threads showing. I found out that the tires that my neighbor gave me won't work so I have to buy $350 worth of tires at least. I am grateful that at least I have those used tires to sell.

Later my wife had a discussion with me about money as we are in critical condition with our bills and mortgage. She began the process of seeking financial assistance which began to send me into a tailspin of fear. But I picked my chin up and we talked things over and found that we will likely qualify for a mortgage deferment. She is looking into mortgage forbearance for us.

As this was taking place I considered my faith and remembered a recent bout with fear when I made a decision to rely on God with all my strength and to apprehend the attitude that I absolutely without a doubt believe that God is going to solve all of our problems.

In the evening I was alone at home and I was too hard hearted and gripey with my kids. I was consistent in disclipline but I did it with too much anger. This built up until I was yelling at them. In the midst of this my daughter deliberately stood in front of me and said "I love you" and held her hands up to me. She immediately melted my heart and helped me break my rage storm.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a very busy day as it was my oldest son's 9th birthday. We went to early mass and then had a birthday party at the bowling alley in the afternoon. I enjoyed seeing my son having fun amd making memories with his friends. The best moment was when he bowled two strikes in one game.

Today at mass I was grateful for spiritual focus. I saw that my wife is very distracted with the kids and the people around us. I remember that at some point I just didn't get that it was possible and necessary to detach from the world and focus on God, That this was the essence of God centeredness. I Also thought about her general disposition and how she is becomeing more and more stressed out, full of anxiety, short tempered, and worldy and self centered. I realize that I need to resist focusing on her too much and that I need to watch myself that I don't try to do God's job.

This evening I got to go to go to a meeting. Our topic was prayer. I felt moved to just listen and see what others said about the subject and I found that between the many people that spoke, they said a lot of what was important that I would have said. I felt that what I would have said would have sounded repetative so I let others speak. I did have some experience that was not shared that I could have spoke about namely about how I originally didn't see practical use for prayer but then learned that there was this whole part of my thought life that had been neglected all my life and that I discovered a new conception of prayer as the means to achieve spiritual hygiene and fitness which was a new conception that was very practical.

When I came home my wife and I were discussing some car repairs and we started bickering. I had to exit the argument, let her get the last word, and let her process her feelings. I had to resist demanding resolution to the issue and let God be God, not me.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I felt very isolated and somewhat disconnected but still grateful and willing. At the end of the day the kids all decided to sleep in my room on a palette and I couldn't tell them no.

Today we got off to a great start and had our typical Saturday morning of pancakes and religious programs for the kids. At about 10 I got them all outside playing and it was lunchtime before I knew it.

After lunch I got to do some step work with a guy which was immensely uplifting for me.

In the late afternoon I went to pick up my middle son from an autism camp. I was very proud of him as he appeared to be having a great time and following directions well. The camp persons said really nice things about him and I wished that I could have spent more time with them talking about the camp and thanking them for their service. My proudest moment was when a young lady asked him what his favorite part was and he said it was seeing Jesus.

Tonight my wife was gone on a job and I had a lot of work to do in maintaining the kids and house. I thought about how this is a job that keeps me so busy that I don't need special events in order to have a busy day. But I felt guilty for the times when I watched football or programs with the kids and I could have been keeping up and getting ahead with the housework. I don't feel remorseful about this so much as I feel motivated to do better.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I became very exhausted at 7:30 so I laid down to rest in front of the TV to gather myself for the end of the evening duties. As I was dozing off my daughter started asking for help from the bathroom but I didn't realize it until about the third request. My wife jumped up angrily from her studies and yelled at me that I had ignored her for 5 minutes to watch TV.

I resisted fighting back but had to remove myself to the bedroom. I passed out in the quiet and never woke up. I didn't do an evening review.

This morning I had a hard time waking up and I couldn't understand why since I went to bed so early last night. I remembered last night and was afraid that I was beig selfish and not trying hard enough. I had to jump out of bed and get the kids going without morning prayers but I did spend some time listening to the rosary on TV.

After dropping off my daughter I started my morning prayers and was compelled to write them.

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for a good night sleep, for willingness, for sobriety, and for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Lord, as I begin this day I offer You my inner most self that You would form my will to align with Yours. I offer You my intellect, instinct, and intuition, my heart mind and soul that I be free from the bondage of self.

God please help me to think clearly, honestly, and objectively, that I will grow in belief, reliance, and trust. I pray that my thinking will not lead me into doubt, skepticism, or rationalization. Help me Lord to use my powers of reason to grow closer to you not away from you.

God please help me to control my emotions, motives, and values that they would not run riot and drive me blindly. I pray especially to temper my anger, fear, and lust. Help me Lord to use my passions to grow closer to You and to the people about me and not to separate us. Please show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

God please help me to open my connection with you to illuminate my spirit, to enlighten my judgment, and to fire my imagination. Please guide me with your inspiration and intuitive thoughts and guide me in the decisions that I must make today. Show me Lord what I can do today to be of maximum effectiveness for you and for the people about me and show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

I pray Lord to keep my house in order today, Amen.

This morning during meditation the word temper stood out in my mind. I realized that I still had some lingering misunderstanding of this term. In my mind the word temper has always meant anger. The phrase "bad temper" has always meant a person with bad anger. The phrase does have this meaning but what it actually means is that the person has a weak ability to "temper" their anger. The word temper is a verb that means to moderate or control.

I researched the word and found that the noun form of the word temper can mean a tendency to anger or lose patience easily, or a state of mind. I think this is a problem of emphasis. The emphasis has been on the tendency rather than the state. In looking at the root of the word I found that it is a verb that means to moderate or control.

I believe that the source of the problem is that self control and moderation are so objectionable to people that they have been de-emphasized in modern times over the idea that it is better allow the natural tendencies rather than repress them. This conception is limited by inability to conceive that the natural tendencies can be processed rather than just repressed.

This morning my wife and kids interrupted my prayers several times. I first got a little irritated but I accepted it and got up and showed them some love.

In the afternoon I got irritated with the neighbor kids that ride home from school with us for their bickering about seating.

Later I griped at my son for whining for me while my wife and I were talking. I gave him sentences for consequences and he refused to do them so his consequences got escalated. He kept refusing until I had to put him to bed. Then I went in and caught him playing video games. Throughout this episode I lost my temper. I lost control of my anger. I didn't completely lose control, but I certainly could have tempered my anger more effectively. I must work to assign consequences more systematically and to control my anger.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a training session at a government agency. I was grateful for the opportunity.

After that I got to visit with my parents and my niece. I was disturbed again by the attitude and appearance of my niece. She scarcely says a word and sits like a zombie with an ipod and dark eye shadow around her eyes nodding out off and on. I am grateful that my wife and I are committed to avoiding this with our children.

I got to work on a bike for my nephew this afternoon.

This evening my wife had to go to study and take a test. I requested that she wait until after dinner so that I would not be stuck doing it alone. This was selfish of me.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got up before everyone else and made breakfast and everyone else woke up on time and we got to mass early. During mass another couple had a hard time with their kids and I felt bad for them. I was grateful for the progress that our family has made.

Yesterday I found out that the 12 step meeting that I carry to the treatment center on Sunday got moved to 10:30 am making it impossible for me to attend because this is during mass times. I was disappointed but also a little grateful as it puts a strain on my family and wasn't being well attended by other members anyway. Nevertheless, this was an important part of my sobriety program and I will miss it.

My wife griped at me severely this morning for something but I was able to stay out of it and she got over it and I don't even remember what it was.

This morning our scripture readings were about giving from the heart. I was grateful to have a clear conscience about this but would like to do more.

It was a rainy relaxing day. I got to spend a lot of time with my wife and kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we slept in and then I made a big breakfast. Instead of watching TV I put on music and we really seemed to be much more attentive to each other. There was this moment that we all prayed together and talked about God has blessed us that made me realize what a great opportunity I have to give my children good formation and a better quality of life than my wife and I and our parents had.

It seemed like I had just finished cleaning up breakfast when lunch came around. I almost started to feel sorry for myself and then my work in the home gave me a sense of usefulness that I needed. I realized that I had been having some low grade fear about not being useful enough. I realized that this is a daily occurrence but it is so subtle that it is flying under my radar. I prayed for God to help me continue to catch this and to remove it. I resolve to do my part to address this also.

This evening I got to go to meeting. It was sparsely attended but those of us there had great fellowship.

The past two days the scripture readings seem to be talking about the importance of unity in the church. I find it interesting and synchronous that this has been on my mind these past two days.

Thanks be to God.

This morning was easy and relaxing because I didn't have to take my youngest to school. After getting the older kids up, doing breakfast and cleanup, and sending them off to school, I got to pray and rest a little before the little one woke up.

The rest of the morning I got to work on some home projects.

At noon I had to make a bank deposit. I forgot that it was supposed to be in by noon and I rushed over there at 11:30. In my haste I didn't count it out and the teller informed me that I gave him more cash than was on the deposit slip. It was weird because I had an intuition that something was wrong. Afterward I kind of worried about it thinking some what ifs that could have cost us and considered being resentful at my wife. But I caught it right away and gave it over to God and was just grateful. I thought about how in the past there would have been no way for me to stop the cascade of thoughts (feelings) that would have ensued over this sort of financial sloppiness. Thanks be to God for freedom from anxiety.

I thought a little today about the whole hyper meticulous approach some people take towards religion. I am realizing that when someone takes this approach and then demands that it be accepted that it becomes divisive. This is the source of the schism in the body of Christ today.

This was prompted by a discussion that I heard and entered yesterday about the nature of saving grace. This also got me thinking about how being opinionated is so divisive. I thought about how there is a need to speak with conviction about matters that cause people to feel convictive but as long as this is only expressed as a principle and not directed at anyone then it is only incisive, not divisive. I endeavor not to point fingers when speaking about truths that are convictive.

This led me to think alot about fostering unity among Christians. I thought about how I could take the approach of encouraging people to become informed about the doctrines of their sects and denominations and to build common ground on the essentials of Christian doctrine that will allow the truth about the need for governing authority to reveal itself.

This evening I got to have a good talk with my brother-in-law about spiritual matters. He is going through some difficulty and the opportunity arose. I could have done better though, I could have suggested that he rely on God.

I had a nice time at the park with my kids this afternoon.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to do 12 step work with a friend in recovery. Afterward I realized that in our zeal for the work we never stopped to pray. So afterward I stopped and prayed for us both. During this worked I received a gift of definition in looking up asceticism. I realized that rigorous self-denial is at the core of my spiritual formation.

My wife just came in and interrupted me. I was trying to review the day and was struggling to remember but i couldn't. I didn't get mad at her or blame her. Instead, I realized that I had not prayed and needed to do so.

I wasn't afraid today, I was just able to have peace and enjoy the moments. For this I am grateful.

In the evening I watched the news about the shooting rampage at Fort Hood. As my mind went through the typical progression of thoughts into the "whys?" I turned away from blaming the man's religion and I immediately felt comprehension of how and why this can happen. Every instance of this sort of insanity is rooted in selfishness and self-centeredness. It is due to poorly formed self will and conscience, because of the spiritual malady. I didn't need to feel anxiety over this one bit because I received the confidence of a sense of understanding and the hope of a solution one man at a time someday.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about the insanity of addiction. Afterward I got to play bean bag toss with some friends and have laughs and companionship.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to meet with my 12 Step sponsor. I enjoyed meeting with my friend and we talked about a lot of good stuff.

It was a routine afternoon and I don't recall any problems.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought some more about the story about the Tower of Babel. I thought about how this story may be an allegory for the way that man and modern society turn away from faith when they think that human accomplishment and reason negate the need for faith.

In the story man thinks he can reach heaven himself by building a tower and bypass the need for God to get there. In the end man is punished for his excessive pride by being cursed to speak many different languages so that he can no longer work together effectively.

As a child I took this story simply to be an explanation for the origin of different languages. When I became educated in the historical and scientific understanding of the origin of languages the story became a tall tale for me as did many of the religious theories and accounts for the origin of natural phenomena, explanation of ancient events in the history of man. Along with the credibility of these accounts went the credibility for the existence of or the need for God. I lost my faith and couldn't see a practical reason for faith until I gained a new reason for faith and a new set of reasons on which to base my belief.

My old belief had been based on a God whose existence was based on evidence from the origin of natural phenomena and the history of man. My new belief was developed on the basis of God's power to save men from his inability to live a truly sane and ethical life on his own power. My old belief was based upon evidence for God in the external world, in nature and the cosmos, while in searching for new belief I was guided to look for evidence for God in the internal world, the psychic realm, the hearts and minds of men including myself.

I looked at the moral of the story of the Tower of Babel and saw that it was about man's pride in his higher knowledge and accomplishments and how when he thought he didn't need God to reach heaven anymore the result was mass confusion, division, ineffectiveness, and a descent into chaos. I thought about how this is echoed in modern society today in how the new atheists believe that man can develop his own effective moral code of ethics and cast off this superstitious notion that we need a daddy deist figure to command us to do good. That human beings only need reason and and logic to develop a secular utopia.

I thought about how I have seen that in many cases atheists have proposed their own moral codes and how these differ frequently and typically include some provision for moral relativism. I have seen where the only atheist societal systems that have been galvanized well enough to succeed on a large scale have been authoritarian systems that developed a moral system based on survival of the fittest and were tyrannical and cruel. Perhaps this is a tangible manifestation of the moral of the story.

In the final analysis for me personally this is a lesson about the evolution of faith. In my personal spiritual journey I lost my faith because I did not pursue new reasons for faith as I grew up. My belief did not make the transition from child to adult. I didn't give faith a chance to grow in me from the primitive conception that sustains the world to the higher conception that sustains the man.

Today I got to go to a meeting. We talked about the benefit of taking self examination, prayer, and meditation together. I talked about my initial skepticism that this would work for me and how I sought out a solution through REBT and NLP because I thought my problem was not moral but behavioral and psychological. I thought prayer was just flattery of God and of no practical use. I thought meditation was just finding serenity, peace, and nirvana and I needed a replacement for getting high. My higher power would be psychotherapy and medication.

I went on to explain that it didn't work. These things were not effective for me and the therapists all told me I needed AA and 12 Step spirituality. I eventually did try this and even though I had the same objections I worked through them. The result was that I found that these practices were actually designed to work in the ways that I needed for recovery. Moral inventory did help me uncover the behavioral and emotional problems I had and make a rational assessment of them. I had had a limited and prejudiced understanding of morality. Prayer and meditation helped me to focus on changing my old behaviors and adapting new virtues and developing new character. Every morning when I said prayers I was essentially working new programming into my mind.

The processes of the 12 Step program did the same thing that the psychological processes attempted to do. The thing that enabled the 12 Steps to work where psychotherapy alone failed was the X factor, the God concept. The belief in God as a power to restore me to sanity added the needed power to make these practices effective. God for me had the power to command my hardened heart, conquer my raging desires, and still my restless mind.

The rest of the day today was a great joy. I had a feeling all afternoon like I really wanted to do a major project. But, I accepted that I didn't get a clear intuition for anything and it was probably because life is currently a big enough project for me right now. I made a nice bar-b-que for dinner and my sister visited in the evening.

I only griped at the kids a little and I showed them all some love.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up and my thoughts were groggy and chaotic as usual. But, right away I noticed and appreciated that I was able to systematically bring my thoughts into focus and get through my prayers with understanding and effectiveness.

As the morning transpired I started to notice that everything I did and thought seemed orderly and inspired. I got the kids fed and dressed orderly, I got myself together orderly, I was motivated to pick up and clean without struggle, and I was not afraid of the future.

Out in the world things seemed orderly among other people also. Everyone I encountered while dropping off my daughter at school was in a communicative and helpful mood. I even passed a city services truck with a trailer full of trash cans and they were stacked and sorted by size and color.

As I thought through some life philosophies and ideas I remembered that last night a beautiful full moon was rising. I realized that we are in a monthly up cycle in the rhythm of life. I thought about how I need to be mindful of this during the down cycles and use it for strength of faith. And I do attribute this to God's creation.

This afternoon I got to talk to a friend about a some inventory and about how God has helped me to get free from resentment.

Later in the day I got to talk to another friend about how God has helped me to get free from my selfish desires.

In the evening I got to help a guy find a meeting and I got to go to the meeting myself. It was a speaker meeting and a good friend of mine told a great story.

Afterward I got to hang out and talk with a couple of friends. I talked to them about the story of the Tower of Babel.

I got to do grocery shopping after that.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we made it to mass on time and in fair spiri I enjoyed the celebration of the Solemnity of All Saints. Our priests wore white robes and used the thurible to cense the altar. They looked very saintly standing in front of the smoke as it rose from the censer hanging behind them. I suddenly got this weird feeling of "what are we doing here"? as the image stood in such stark contrast to what the world values in it's celebrities. The homily served to exhort me to learn more and be knowledgable about the saints. It also served to edify me in my resolve to live a holy life. I thought about my duty ahead to visit the treatment center and carry the message and it served to remove my reservations.

After mass I went to the treatment center and was worried that the guys were going to resent having the meeting in the middle of the Dallas game. But I thought about how I felt when I was in treatment and how the game was not so important to me. Sure enough no one was watching the game and we had a great meeting.

I had a relaxing afternoon watching the rest of the game and playing with the kids.

At some point this afternoon my wife exploded at me over some trivial issue. I had to use a lot of strength to restrain myself. I resisted reacting and she got over it.

It was a great day, Thanks be to God.