This morning after I got the kids going and fed and cleaned up I hit a wall.  I got that feeling of being overwhelmed by their needs and wants and no sense of direction of my own.  I tried to resist being resentful and just accept that I needed a time out.  I stopped to rest and was disappointed that I wasn't doing more with the day.

My friend whose son plays baseball wanted to get them together to practice but I could not get myself to do this.  I was disappointed that I was letting this opportunity slip by but I felt that there were more important things that needed to be done first even thought I didn't know what they were.  Plus, I couldn't make any plans without knowing what my wife planned to do.  I had to resist getting resentful at her.

My wife got going about this time and she tried to coordinate with me but by this time I had become brain dead. Thankfully, she made some decisions and took the kids to see a movie.  During the time she was gone I started cleaning the house and my mind gradually shifted back into order.  I realized that my mind has a need to get into order before I am able to have that initiative to get through the day productively.  I realized that when I have to attend to the kids and be in the midst of their clamor alone in the morning that I never get in order.  Again I had to resist getting resentful at my wife and just recognize this so that I might better cope with what I can change.

I got some good cleaning and a big honey-do done and felt productive by late afternoon.  Their was a big thing my wife wanted from me that she got mad at me about later, but I just had to let her own her feelings and not get lost in trying too hard to please her.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about humility.

Thanks be to God

This Sunday I was late getting up after the busy day before, and my wife slept in.  She opted to stay home from mass.  I started to take all the kids but she talked me out of taking the girls as she didn't want to get them dressed. I was disappointed in myself for not making a greater effort to take them.  I was grateful that we got to sit in the main sanctuary and not in the small children area in the balcony.  The boys behaved fairly well and I got to listen and meditate on the readings and homily about the Holy Trinity and how the spiritual life is a relationship.

My wife never really got going so I had to stay home all day with the kids.  I managed to keep my good attitude for the most part, but I'm sure that I was a little resentful as I remember thinking that I don't want her working that late anymore.

I got to talk to a sponsee and a friend in the program.

I fell asleep with my son and never did a review until tonight, but I recall that it was a good day.  I am grateful to serve God by tending to my kids and getting to spend time with them.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up with a great attitude.  As I started to make breakfast, I felt so enthusiastic that I went to the store and bought a bunch of doughnuts and breakfast foods for everyone.  My wife wasn't too crazy about this but I didn't let it bother me.

I got to go to the 12 step club and do some prep work for the speaker meeting tonight.
I got to talk to a guy about recovery and a 4th step.
I got to go to the speaker meeting in which we had a surprise speaker, a movie star in recovery. I remembered back to when I discovered his story and the identification that I received, which I needed at the time.  I was grateful to get to shake hands and make small talk with him.
I got to help a new guy afterward.

I thought alot today about how God works in my life today and how He sends me messages.  I remembered yesterday that I listened to a sermon about the Holy Spirit as the Breath of Life and how the movie I saw helped me have another Spiritual Experience.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Friday I was grateful to wake up feeling good and to get a good start.

As the day progressed I started to feel the sense of aimlessness and lack of initiative that I have had lately.  I was babysitting my daughter and running some errands for my wife.  I was remorseful however that I didn't make better use of the day.

In the evening I really wanted to get away.  My wife got angry at me about something, the kids were talking and demanding things constantly, I was doing so many things that I didn't want to do that I didn't even know what I wanted to do or should do anymore.  I thought about how this is a feeling that I have been having every day now for some time.  My wife had an evening event planned, a movie at an outdoor theater.  As we made preparations and the time got closer I began to question it, get somewhat resentful and wanted to go less and less.  The thought of managing all the kids in public on a hot evening sounded awful to me.  I thought about how I could have peace and quiet and maybe go to a meeting.  But I realized that I was being selfish and I reluctantly went.  I made a special effort to resist those feelings and to try my best to be supportive to my wife.

The movie was Shrek 4ever After.  It was about the domesticated Shrek who has settled into domestic life and gradually becomes overwhelmed with the routine, mundane family life.  It begins with a walk through summary of the tale of his meeting the princess who becomes his wife, their adventures, and then their kids and life which is going happily ever after.  But it continues into a repetition of his daily life in which he becomes gradually more and more discontented.

I like the way that it was done because it gave me a great sense of how appreciation and gratitude can be gradually eroded.  It really hit home for me because of the sense of overwhelming powerlessness one feels from the daily demands of fatherhood, in particular for 3 small children.  As his discontent progresses, Shrek fantasizes about his old life, "when things made sense".  That is exactly how I have been feeling!  I realized that I have been developing a big problem that I didn't fully realize.

The film goes on in a similar story line to "It's a Wonderful Life".  Shrek gets to see what life would be like if he didn't exist (as a consequence of his desire to get away).  He sees how this severely affects the lives of the ones he loves. He receives a radical attitude adjustment and a deep appreciation for his life and his wife.

That is how I felt at the end of this day.

Thank God for my life.
Thank God for my recovery, my enthusiasm just got a huge shot in the arm.
Thank God for my kids despite the confusion that comes with them.
Thank God for my wife whom I love even when she isn't perfect.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt a lot better in the morning and never did feel sick all day.  I got to go to my son's Track and Field day.  I enjoy the time I got to spend with him and his friends.  We went from event to event and they did really well at them all.  I had to scold my son several times and I realized that I reacted too temperamentally.  I need to control my anger more and not let it ruin the experience that my son and I get to share.

I was grateful to get the kids together and pray this morning.
I enjoyed my bike ride to and from the school.
I got to go to the thrift store in another part of town.
I got to go to the college bookstore downtown and get a book.
I got to go to the baseball field and pick up my son's team picture.

I went to a gas station to meet a guy for a school book in the afternoon.  As I was waiting it felt like a dope deal. The thoughts that came to mind were of the dysfunction that my drug life had become.  Of how my addiction progressed to the point that I couldn't use the gas stations and bathrooms anymore because I was too paranoid. It became exceedingly difficult to manage all the contorted issues in that life.  I was grateful that I don't even want to think about the high today because I don't want to think about anything that would ruin the things that are important to me now.  I am grateful that normal things are important to me.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I regressed back to feeling ill again in the morning.  I had a slow start to the day and had feelings of aimlessness and non-productiveness.  I didn't fully process these thoughts but I relied on the recent times when I have had similar feelings and just stopped it.

In the evening my wife griped at me because I had not got an errand done.  But I couldn't because of circumstances that were under her control.  I didn't do a very good job of communicating this to her in a kind and tolerant way but it could have been worse.

I thought about the idea of living a principle based life rather than a reactionary one.

I bought a croquet set at the thrift store and set it up for the little kids thinking it would be a relaxing diversion for them, but my son swung a mallet like a bat and whacked his sister near the eye.

I got to serve my family today.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday morning I was very groggy and had to rush through an abbreviated prayer set before getting the kids going. Thankfully my wife was back to normal once she got going.  I was also in fair shape and dedicated a little more focus in prayer with the kids.

I felt a little aimless when my wife mentioned that we needed to take our van in for repair.  I was grateful for this appointment that would take up the morning.  I got to listen to Fr,  Corapi some in the morning.

I was grateful for the clouds that kept the temp down.

I got to talk to a friend about sponsorship issues.  I got to talk to a guy just coming back from relapse who is trying to get on his feet.

My son lost his backpack on the way home from school and I had to back track with him and teach him about the importance of responsibility for your things.  We looked in the neighbor's backyard and then at the parke and finally at the school.  His friend whose mom is a teacher greeted us at the school and directed us to where the backpack was.  Apparently he had found it and turned it in.

In the evening I thought about going to a meeting but my wife needed my help so I stayed home.  I got to practice baseball with my youngest son.

After the kids went to bed my wife and I researched our books for next semester.  I watched a program about the meaning of love and God's relationship to love.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I was sick again but I was ok enough to function once I got going.  I was able to get up and take care of the kids and get them all to school on time.  My wife was even sicker than  the day before and never got back out of bed once the kids were off to school.

I remembered that a few days ago I had an intense using dream that I've been meaning to note.  I don't know what significance this is now but I don't like these to go unnoticed.

My Dad called me in the evening.  He is on an unexpected trip to see my sister at her home across the state.  We had  a short talk about things.  He mentioned that he has been missing my son.  I told him that my son has been asking why he doesn't visit more often.  My wife had talked to me about how my Dad allows his habits and resentments to prevent him from spending time with his grandkids.  I am praying for my sister, I believe that the gravity of her health situation and the consequences of her perspective are grieving her.

In the evening my mind and body shut down but I made a conscious effort to avoid getting angry.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I wok up sick again and was late getting out of bed.  Nevertheless i made some good choices and a took responsibility to make sure to get to mass on time.  At the last minute my wife told me to hurry because she was late to set up for the children's liturgy.  I didn't know that she was doing this and she told me that she told me and we started to bicker.  I had to let it go and let her have the last word.  While I do good a stopping arguing and turning my thoughts away, It was harder to let go of the resentment.

Our priest said some things during the homily that I wanted to remember.  Today is Passover Sunday and he spoke of the nature of the Holy Spirit.  He said that the spirit is the lens through which our perception becomes clearer, our attitude more humble, and our wisdom deeper.  He also said something else that I wanted to remember.

There was a call to be altar servers with our kids.  I am afraid to do this but know I must.

This Saturday morning I woke up on time but with a sore throat and possibly rhinovirus.  I was late getting out of bed but managed to get through my prayers effectively.

The bickering with my wife and my tendency to fault find resumed but I tried my best to resist and let her own her own feelings.

I got my son started on mowing the lawn first thing when I got up. This involved a lot of tasks outside on my part.  Once I got him started, I came inside and had to feed the little kids.  In the process i had to clean the kitchen and I got very resentful.  This is when I had to stop myself.  My wife asked me why I was throwing dishes around but I just chose not to answer and stop banging things.  My son complained and whined and sopped and started and I went back and forth with him to get him to do his job.  But, In the end he persevered and got it done despite a sore stomach.

Most of the morning was spent cleaning the house and some touch up yard work.  I also set up my son and his friends with outdoor games that I bought them at the thrift store.

I thought again about all the things my wife does for us.  She worked this day and she babysat my best friend's kids.  When the mother was picking them up she told us a story of her bickering with her husband (my friend) and thus I didn't feel so bad after.  I updated the software on my wife's phone for her.

In the evening she had to work.  I got a little resentful while I was cooking dinner by myself and I felt somewhat ill.  A firend came over to do 12 step work and while this made things a little more laborious I still felt better.  He joined us for dinner.

After dinner all went well for a while but I lost control of my temper with the kids at bed time when some of them started misbehaving and whining at the same time.  I sort of exploded at them and broke a broom and a light bulb on the fan when my son hit his head on it.  We all calmed down and talked and said prayers and went to bed peacefully.  I thought about how my temper tantrum must sound like their whining and misbehaving to God.  So I must get over it and grant them the same tolerance and patience that he gives me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife starting bickering at me early.  We had a disagreement about my son riding to school with me.  I griped at her that I like to take him because he wants to and because we say his and his siblings morning prayer in the truck.  This continued some when I got home but I resolve to let her own her feelings.  She asked me if I would mind running some errands and I got real sensitive and had to let it go.  I ran the errands and enjoyed the morning.

We had a financial scare but I got it taken care of and we will be ok for a while.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.  The topic was "sobriety or sodriety?"  It was a very interesting meeting because one of the first to share went on a rant about their issues.  Many others brought the meeting on track.  I shared that I couldn't stay sober on sodriety.

When I got out I called my wife to let her know I was on my way to pick up the kids.  She was mad because I missed 2 of her calls.  I thought about all the work she does for our family to keep things running and that she is under a lot of stress.  I thought about how much we benefit from all her work and I found gratitude for her.

I thought today about starting an accountability group to share our evening reviews.

Thanks be to God.

This morning during prayer I couldn't remember part of the morning offering.  It was really wierd because it was during the part that I don't like to say but do so as a matter of ritual.  "God, I offer this day to You, all my joys, all my -----, all my sufferings, all my works."

I got up and got the kids going because my wife didn't wake up.  Our routine is that one of us preps the kids while the other takes a shower and then drives the kids to school. I went without a shower and took them.  While we were getting ready she woke up and started helping but then griped at me for a series of offenses.  I got a little resentful and thought about how I didn't complain to her faults.  I had to resist fault-finding a great deal.  She continued to make demands and bicker with me the rest of the morning.

I also still felt bad about my son not making the All Star team.  His disappointment kept replaying in my mind and I had to make an effort to stop it. I thought of several angles in which to find solace and attitude adjustment and gratitude.

In thinking about these feelings I thought about how my problem is my sorrows not real suffering. I realized that the part of my prayer that I could not remember in the morning was "sorrows". I am grateful that I have a morning prayer practice to get me through my negative feelings.

With school being out I have had a feeling of aimlessness in the morning after feeding the kids, and getting them off to school..

I still felt bad about the mistake I made in last night's game.  I had to dissect my remorse and elect to let it go and see the good job that I did do.  I also remembered an injury that happened during the game where the pitcher got hit in the head by a hard hit line drive.  It kinda put things in perspective.  The boy had to be taken to the emergency room to be checked out, but he seemed ok.

Also, that team didn't win a game all year and our team won all but one.  I am grateful that my son got to have this experience once in his life.

My wife and I bickered about allowing my son to ride his bike to school.  I was resentful that she isn't willing to allow it.  I want him to have this responsibility, build self-esteem, and interact with the world outside of the car in a healthy way.  I have said my piece and now must let go of my resentment. It kept cropping up all day and I started getting resentful about other things and finding fault in her character defects of fear based reactivism and impulsive decision making.  There I've said it, now I have to give it over to God and let Him handle it.

My sponsee that I was worried about called me today and all is well.

This evening we attended the closing ceremonies for my son's baseball league.  Our team  was awarded 1st place and we received our trophies.

After that the All Star team was announced.  I had talked to my son and prepared him that he would not be selected as he is 9 and it would only be 10 year olds.  But they announced that we had enough players to field a 9 year old team.  I saw the excitement in my son's face.  But they announced all the players and he was not one of them.  When the coach folded up his list I saw my son's head drop.  I thought about all the hard work he had put in physically and spiritually this year.  Several of the players announced were clearly less skilled than my son.  A lot of thoughts went through my head about the selection process and I did my best to explain it to my son, half of the selections are based concretely on high skills and the other half on a popularity contest of various sorts.  All the ways that I could have been a bigger contributor and networked to give him better visibility crossed my mind.  I had to resist negative feelings.

I was handed a trophy but didn't think I should get it because I was the "5th" coach. I tried later to give it to the other assistant who was busy conducting the ceremonies as he is the Commissioner also.  But, he graciously declined it and told me I deserved it.  I still didn't think so but I admired his attitude.

Thanks be to God

Today my wife went to the funeral of a family friend.  She had to sacrifice being at my youngest son's closing ceremonies for tee ball and at my older son's last game of the season to decide first place.  The death of her friend was difficult for her because he didn't engage in any of the bad behaviors that usually precede his type of illness and he left behind several kids and a wife.

I got to meet with a sponsee for the better part of the morning.

I had to take all of the kids to the ballfield with me.  I am grateful for my mom who attended my younger son's awards ceremony and watched the girls.  I was able to coach in my older son's game.  It was a great and dramatic game but at the end I made a big mistake and told a player to steal second when someone was already there.  In the confusion however, the other team overthrew the ball and we scored 2 runs and won the game.  Nobody was sore at me because of the outcome but I still feel terrible about the mistake.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today and throughout this weekend I thought about the human trait of self awareness and the common characteristic of inability to perceive certain aspects of one's self.  I thought of how to conceptualize this and determined that the term "personal blind spot" best encompasses the various aspects of this area of self.  In the Johari window it is called the blind area.  Perhaps this is an expansion on this concept or just a deeper understanding on my part.

I also thought about how people are groovy.  Our behaviors are pliable yet rigid.  We form habits like grooves on a record, but it is harder to break them than to make them.  They become hard etched patterns in our minds that lead us through repeated sequences of behavior and outcomes.  We have to exercise our will (sometimes with great or extreme effort) to shift out of them or re-groove them.  But the more we become habituated the deeper the grooves become and the more we lose the power to shift out of them.  They can become so deep that they become ruts.  Then only a power greater than ourselves can remove us from them and remove them  from us.

I did a LOT of cleaning in the morning and then went to a meeting at the AA club.  It was one of those things where there was no clear topic but I was able to focus my thoughts on the my experience of my self-centered defiance that does not like to admit alcoholism.

This evening my son and I got caught in a rain/hail storm at the ballfield, it was great.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I felt very alert, focused, and connected in prayer.  My thoughts stayed sequential through the steps of centering my mind and asking God to form the various parts of my thinking and conscience.  Even some new, or perhaps more precise, facets of formation came to mind.

It was a busy morning as we had another appointment to take the team picture for my older son's baseball team and then I had to serve at the league fundraiser the rest of the afternoon.

In the evening I didn't hear from my sponsee or see hom at the meeting.

It was a good meeting and I got to sit and llisten about the topic of steps 10, 11, and 12.  The focus was on keeping spiritually fit to maintain the power that removes the obsession.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I struggled with distraction and confusion in prayer.  I was still disturbed by the contentious conversation that I had the night before.  I also kept drifting into thinking about my affairs.  I got through my prayers but never really got fully focused.

I did a final big assignment and took a final exam after breakfast and kid drop offs.  This took all of midday and was very mentally intensive and exhausting.  I was so engrossed in this that I forgot to pickup the kids on time.  I was late but not too late.

I was resentful about the volume and intensity of the assignments I had but I was very grateful for the opportunity to review the material because I realized that I had forgotten a lot of it.  I thought a lot about the influence of feelings on perception and the self-serving bias.  I also thought about concepts of self-regulation.

There was a moment today when I had some thoughts that I didn't quite identify until I thought about them later.  I realized that these were faith doubts.  I was so immersed in concepts of thought and communication that I fell under the influence of materialistic study.  At some point I felt (not really thought) that religion and spirituality might be quaint superstition.  I quickly turned away from these thoughts but later prayed to resist skepticism.

After all the kid pickups I never regained intiative and clarity of thought.  The morning just sapped me.  My son asked me to throw some balls with him and I had a lot of housecleaning to do.  I was supposed to volunteer for a barbeque event setup at the ballfields but never made it.  I didn't go to a meeting either.

I spent the evening with my family and ran some errands to the store for my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Several times today I felt great disturbances in my spiritual condition that led me to question what is happening, whether it is a lack of faith on my part.

I struggled and rushed through prayer this morning when i woke up.

I had to spend a lot of time cleaning in the morning and didn't get much school work done.  I felt resentful about this.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  It was one of those times that I easily identified what I needed to share about and was ready to go but everyone else had plenty to talk about and I was able to exercise some humility and just listen.

A friend talked to me after the meeting about the consistent practice of spiritual activities and spiritual disturbances when he is inconsistence.  I talked to him about how we encounter circumstances in our lives (like family, school, ministry, etc.) that are probably God ordained that can interfere with the consistent practice of spiritual activities and will result in disturbances.  Therein the message that I needed was revealed to me.

Afterward I had a series of long conversations with someone about our theological views which descended into a vast disagreement.  In each case I didn't intend to debate based on a desire to convince him of my views but rather was trying to demonstrate that it is important to apply critical thinking skills and to disagree reasonably.   I left the conversation feeling a bit disturbed.  I guess it was a God ordained mission which resulted in an inevitable vicissitude, but will have His intended result.

Thy will, not mine, be done.  Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I took a final exam for one of my classes.  It was a bit unnerving because there were questions about subjects that were not on the quizzes that I used to prep for the test.  As the number of questions that I was uncertain about went up I started having serious doubts that I would pass the test.  I had to prepare myself to accept the outcome and not allow it to distract me.  In the end I did pass with an 84..  However, for the rest of the day I had residual feelings of disappointment.

I read a post by the atheist author Sam Harris about child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.  This would not be significant except that it was posted by the author Anne Rice on her Facebook page.  The opinions I read and her increasing buy-in to the shrill clamor to oust the hierarchy of the church to replace it with those that would be sexually permissive left me deeply disturbed.  I wanted to lash out an opinion but realized that I was much too angry and therefore not objective.  More importantly I kept thinking about it all day and had to admit that I was under the influence of resentment.  I thought about how this was not truly an immediate threat too me and that my anger was an emotion aroused by some information that is merely another's opinion.  I must control my feelings and belief in God and a communion of spirits helps me do that, and that's what my religion is truly about.  It's not about these social issues.

My son had a tee ball game this evening.  The weather was warm and wind was cool and the fellowship was convivial.

Thanks be to God.

Today I spent the morning reading my final chapter of basic computing on technology careers.  I took the quiz and am now ready to take the final exam.  In this chapter I read some information that caught me by surprise and changed my outlook about my career path and self esteem.  I read about the various types and what they entail and character traits that are conducive to them.  I discovered where I fit.  I also read the requirements, job market, salary expectations and other factors. There was also a description of how many people in my field were employed without education due to the demand.  This answered a lot of questions and filled a need for validation that I didn't know I had.

I also read a success story on the community college website.  I identified with the struggles of a mother and person with a job going back to school.  These things gave me a sense of direction and enthusiasm.  I felt a strong desire to make a greater commitment to my education and career.  I even thought about reducing my 12 step activities to devote more of my mental resources to this, at least temporarily.

This afternoon I played a game of tee ball with the 3 oldest kids in the back yard.

I thought today about how my disease has whispered to me lately, like a shadow outside of my window trying to get me to let it in.  I thought about how personifying the disease might be a good tool to reflect the actual spiritual battle for those who resist religion.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting. I thought very seriously about not going.  The topic was on step 12 and the absolute need to work with other addicts.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I spent the morning studying.  I read some interesting and helpful information about computer ethics.  I also read what was probably the most concise and insightful description about the nature of ethics that I have ever read.

In the afternoon I did some baseball practice with my son in tee ball.  He was extremely reluctant but I made him do it anyway.  I employed a new way of getting started by doing agility exercises with him.  He enjoyed this and had a gradual attitude shift that was sufficient to get him to cooperate with his actual baseball skill reps.

I wish that I had known this before because I could have him more advanced in his basic skills.  As we were practicing I had a profound realization of the extent of his motor skills deficiency (due to his autism).  In looking back I see that I felt a little sense of futility and loss of optimism.  But I gathered my feelings and thought about the big picture and the time frame of two years before he needs to be able to catch and hit a thrown all and I felt better.  I also thought of the attitude change that a couple of the coaches verbalized to me at the last game.  They spoke highly of him in small accomplishments.  My parents have told me that he is greatly improved also. I need to forget what some of the little phenoms are able to do and just be appreciative of his accomplishments and efforts.

I had to take my older son to the baseball field for team pictures this evening.  I had to exercise patience with the coach as he was not interested in the pictures, would not communicate with the photographer, and eventually cancelled taking the pictures again.  I just shifted my focus on the opportunity to do batting practice with my son.  A friend of his asked to join us and I let him reluctantly.  I was worried about getting done quickly and getting home to meet my wife's demand. I thought about how I've never seen his dad just his mom, she might be single trying to raise 2 boys.  During our practice he told me that he wished he had a baseball backpack like my son.   My son told him that he has a pitch back, a hitting net, a batting tire, and a hit-away in his yard.  Later I realized that this is the opportunity that God has placed in front of me to do His will and help the less fortunate.

Looking back I see that God was trying to show today that I can be free from wishful thinking by being grateful for the gifts and blessing that he has given me.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday was a busy day starting with back to back baseball games, then yard work in preparation for Mother's Day, meeting with a sponsee, and then being alone with the kids in the evening while my wife worked.  I was again unable to do a written evening review and was disappointed.  I also didn't get to do one yesterday and my wife is talking to me now without knowing how important this is (seems?) to me.

The first baseball game was very intense.  I got to see that the boys need to be made aware of their mistakes but in a way that does not make them afraid.  Fear generates more mistakes.  Awareness generates intiative, practice is the only thing that really improves performance.  The game was ten times more important for the other team than for us.  Several calls went our way including the game winning out in which a huge explosion erupted at then plate between the umpires and the parents and coaches of the other team. When we lined up and shook hands on the field the other coach seemed to intuitively know that a hug was in order.  I have gotten the impression that he is a Christian and this seemed to be an expression of Christian love in the midst of a conflict.

On a lesser note I learned that calls seem to go to the winning team.  The team that seems to be playing better is the team that the umps unconsciously favor because these calls are made in the heat of the moment.  This is human nature as human judgement is not based on precise evaluation but on fuzzy logic.

My wife talked to me after the games and was deeply frustrated by a barrage of innuendo and inquisition from my Dad about how her parenting methods with my kids.  His statements inferred his ideas about how these matters should be handled, things like what she feeds them, how she maintains their health, and what she teaches them.  Clearly his ideas are not sound and my wife is very knowledgeable about these things and has more experience by virtue of having more kids and receiving good training.  I found myself inspired to encourage my wife.   My dad's criticism's actually got me thinking about what a great mom my wife is in a deep and meaningful way.  I found a greater appreciation for her for Mother's day.  I took my oldest son to buy her flowers.

I got to work with my friend on the 12 steps.  During our discussion he made a statement that he likes the fact that he comes to me with problems but the answers are not directly what to do about the problems but how to evaluate and resolve such problems.  In other words not the fish but how to fish.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go a field trip with my son to a state park.  I had a great time with the kids and took a lot of pictures.  I was the chaperon for my son and two other boys.  I got a little too angry at my son a couple of time when he got a little too unruly.  I enjoyed the moment when my son left his place at the picnic table to come sit next to me and have lunch together.  Tonight at bedtime my son thanked me for going.

This afternoon I got to throw baseballs with my son and his friend.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about the fourth step.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I had to comfort and cajole my 2 year old daughter into attending her preschool.  I was grateful for the parenting savvy to figure out what works.

I took a day off of schoolwork and did some much needed errands.

I got to talk to a friend in the program.

This afternoon my son didn't want to go to his baseball game.  It was that moment that every parent dreads when the kid doesn't want to push himself to meet his commitments.  I sympathized with him as he has had an evening event every night this week and was worn out.  I had to use a mix of guiding him to rest and eat, talking to him about commitments, informing him of our expectations and consequences, taking it easy on him.  Again I was grateful for the savvy to help him find his self-motivation.  I was proud of him for changing his attitude on which he was adamantly set.

At the game I encountered a personal dilemma.  Our coach was putting an intense amount of pressure on the boys as they started out rusty.  He was hounding them after every pitch.  I appreciate the coach's enthusiasm and ability to motive the boys.  But, in this case he was making them more tense than they needed to be.  A large part of the lineup struck out the first time around.  I think about half of them would have done better if he would have backed off a bit.  I feel for him though because he really made his wife mad by harassing his son.  I tried to get him to ease up and let his son settle in.

In the end all the boys battled back from adversity and stepped up to win.  My son got a hit and made a run at a crucial time in the game.  The coach told me he really needed that run.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I got to guide a friend in taking someone through the fourth step.

I had to resist getting worked up and expending energy on an issue on an online forum.

I was able to get my overdue school assignment done.

I was able to go to a meeting and talk about step one.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I got resentful that I didn't have time to do my schoolwork and would not meet a deadline.  I had to do run some errands and do some paperwork that was important to my school funding.  I had to accept that it would be late, pray for my anger to be removed, and resist staying mad.  I noticed that my anger is trying to drive me to rationalize that it is my wife's fault somehow.

I was deeply engrossed in my speech reading which is focused on group communication and interpersonal dynamics in groups and teams.  This seems especially synchronous with my recent reflection on the nature of the 12  step fellowships.

I was disappointed that I still can't remember what my priest said on Sunday.

This evening I got to coach in my son's tee ball game and practice with my older son.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was late waking up and never got more than "Thank you God" out for a morning prayer.  My wife  actually got out of bed before me and started preparing the kids for mass.  I had to resist my feelings of remorse and anxiety.

We made it to mass early and in good spirits.  The priest gave a great homily in which he made a powerful statement that I wished to reflect on and commit to memory and he told two great stories of which I can only remember the latter, it was about a three legged chicken. I wish and pray that I could recall what he said.

After lunch I felt exhausted and fell asleep and didn't get much accomplished.  I felt like I was too tired today and something must be wrong with me.

This afternoon my wife was away at school studying.  I was disappointed that I never called my friend to tell him that my son and I would not make it for a baseball lesson. I was grateful that I got to rest.

Last night I had a dream that my wife had distanced herself from me and the writing was on the wall that she had someone else, and a new lifestyle.  I was suddenly thrust into the devastating feelings of relationship withdrawal and the futility of trying to recover the love of someone.  I woke up loving her.  This is important to me now because like most days recently today we are distant due to our differing viewpoints, our busy-ness, and bickering.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and share about the importance of the disease concept.  I received and insight that my split personality consisted of three distinct entities at odds with each other and that deterred my willingness, the fiercely pragmatic individualist, the addict/obsessive defender, and the anti-theist amoral objector.

I wish I could remember what I priest said today, I trust that it will be revealed to me later.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. I remembered that the first story our priest told was the legend of the people of the village who prayed for the God to grant them one year of the sun and rain when they wished it.  God granted their wish and when they prayed for rain they got rain and when they prayed for sun they got sun.  This caused the corn stalks to grow tall, the fruit trees to grow lush, and the wheat to grow thick.  But when harvest time came their joy turned to sadness because the plants bore no fruit.  When they asked God why he said because they did not pray for the north wind to pollinate the plants.

The point was that we cannot know all that God knows and therefore when we ask for things in prayer only God knows what we need.

I just noticed that the first reading in the mass today was from Revelations.  Funny that I thought quite a bit about this book yesterday after hearing the song "John the Revelator".

I still can't remember what the priests quote was but I have faith that God will give me what I need.

This Saturday

I was very tired from staying up late the night before and was late getting up.  I wasn't part of the kid's morning as is the usual Saturday morning routine.

We had a baseball game at midday.  I thought about how I am grateful that my son get's to be on a winning team, but I am disappointed in the way we are accomplishing this by hammering the other teams with one kid pitcher who throws exceedingly hard.  If it were up to me I would give the other teams a break and let some other kids pitch.

The other team today didn't stand a chance even though they were a good team.  I am also disappointed that my son is given bench time in every game.  I have to let these resentments go and be grateful  for what we have.  Perhaps there is an appropriate way to approach the coach about this.

My son had a good game even though he wasn't a part of any spectacular plays.  He hit the second pitch to him on his first at bat and made it to base safely.  He ran the bases aggressively and scored at home.  On his second at bat he also hit the ball but this one was stopped and bobbled in the infield.  He did his best to sprint to first and made it and strained his leg in doing so.  But he hung in their and ran the bases well.  He got into a long back and forth duel tempting the pitcher and catcher with a big lead at third.

Two of the other coaches couldn't make it so I got to coach in the game.  I enjoyed the experience and was pleased that I seemed to have the focus and concentration that I sometimes don't have to do a good job.  I feel ready for a higher level of participation next year.

I was moved by an announcement at the end of the game that one of the boy's grandfather passed away and he decided to attend.  Our coach told all of the boys about this and asked them to include him in their bedtime prayers. As he was saying this I watched the boy with his head down and saw teardrops falling to the ground.  I thought of my own son and almost cried myself.

On the way home from our baseball game my son and I heard the song "John the Revelator" and I got to have a discussion with him about how this song was Biblical in content.

I passed out hard at home until close to dinner time.  Then I realized that it was near time to meet with a guy to do step work.  I didn't feel up to it at all as I was groggy and my wife was working.  I had to take care of the kids and began preparing dinner.  I got busy with that and forgot to check my phone.  But then I did check it later and found that he had called.  I called him back and he was in my neighborhood to meet with me but went to a store pending my call back.  I admired his perseverance and tried my best not to sound unwilling.  We went through with our meeting and worked through the interruptions as best as possible.  He conveyed to me how much he looks forward to our meetings.  The meeting was the highlight of my day and week also.

I didn't get to go to a meeting and the rest of the evening was a blur.  I stayed up late watching a baseball game with the kids.

I wish I could remember the spiritual reflections that I thought about this day.

Thanks be to God.