When I woke up this morning my attention to prayer was not resolute.  I ran out of time quickly and had to attend to the kids.   I did pray but it was abbreviated.  I had to stop kicking myself about it but at the same time be aware.

     Today I had an absolute imperative to complete my math assignments that were due last week.

     This morning I thought about a sponsee going through a relapse who is trying to reconnect.  What should I say to him?  I thought about my own relapses and how the feelings of remorse and confusion from them would serve as a catalyst for resolve either to turn back to recovery with more vigor, or to turn back to my nihilistic acquiescence to the disease.  I thought about how I turned this to effective use by adopting the attitude that my recovery work, particularly the writing and meeting with sponsor, had to become my number one priority no matter what.  We finally connected at noon.

     At 11:00 am  I turned off the TV my daughter was watching as part of our TV exposure reduction practice.  At noon  my wife turned it on.  I pointed out to her that we should turn it off and she started objecting to me in a high pitched rapid voice.  I was indignant at how she was justifying something she frequently complains about.  I also felt resentful at her volatile reaction.   As I thought about this though, it occurred to me that I had triggered the outburst in the tone that I had taken with her when I addressed the issue.

This Monday I had to work at resisting worry over my school work.  I had to really work hard at getting as much as possible done.

I got to ride bikes to camp 3 blocks away, with my son today.  It was his first day at this camp at the school he goes to in our neighborhood.  It was very hot their as the A/C was out in the cafeteria.  But, it was working elsewhere.

I struggled to stay focused and only got through 1 chapter of the 6 due.  I had to turn to work on a different class in the afternoon because I had to attend it in the evening.

Today I thought about how badly my school is affecting  my sobriety activities and how I must do it.  I thought about the idea that the 3rd step is a decision to live by God's judgement, decision-making, rule, or bar and that this would be a move away from self-defined values and ideals.  I thought about some new promises.

I got an email that I scored in the 90's on my test Friday.

My son told me that he almost cried when I left him at camp this morning because he likes me.  Nevertheless I was grateful that he had a good day there and made a friend.  My other son amazed me today by knowing the name of an obscure planet from Star Wars.

My sponsee called me and I need to call him back.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I was the first one awake and prepared the kids for mass. I thought some more about the actor.  I remembered the passage in "The Family Afterwards" chapter that refers to living "in the world of spiritual make-believe."  Our Gospel reading was "Let the dead bury the dead."   Our priest spoke to us about our tendency toward imposing justice on others and letting their past misdeeds separate us from them.  He said as Christians we must let bygones be bygones.

I was worried about my school work again today and only got a little done.  My wife worked in the afternoon and I had to take care of the kids.  When she got home she asked me if I was going to go to the AA world convention in San Antonio.  I told her I could not go due to my school.  She talked about what a huge deal it is, how it only happens every 5 years and in a different country, etc.  I had feelings of either remorse, or grief, or anger, or something that I had to suppress as I am well aware and have grieved that she has not considered this prior to all the things she planned this summer.  I had to practice some love and tolerance but did good just to be tolerant

I thought some more about being an actor practicing spiritual make-believe and I started a post about this.

I got one chapter of 6 due in my math homework done.

Thanks be to God

This morning I had the a small degree of the feeling of insight and focus in my morning meditation.  I remembered  that recently my prayers for self control have been divided into 2 levels and that I thought about a 3rd aspect.   I wish that I could remember with certainty what those levels and aspect are but the morning clamors of getting the kids going immediately following my prayers has a deeply distracting affect.   I believe that the 2 levels are topographical in nature.  The shallow layer is reactivity and impulsiveness and the lower layer is where desire and   values form.  I believe that the other aspect is of the upper layer and is perception.

I thought some more about the actor today.

I tried very persistently to do homework today and struggled to keep my attention on my work but barely eeked out some study.  I was very worried about the deadline monday but then I received an email that the online testing system was down and the deadline was extended.

My wife worked in the evening so I didn't get to go to a meeting.

I made up a game to play with my sons in which we pitch balls at the pitch back placed in the batting net.  We counted points for balls that bounced and were caught.  It was both good practice for them and good exercise for me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning felt like one of the easiest mornings in a long time.   We didn't feel rushed and all looked upon the day with optimism.   The kids are really enjoying their summer camps.

I felt a lot better about my school work today even though it is not getting any easier or I am not going to be at the top of my class.

We had a good evening.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday night I went to a meeting and the topic was from page 61, "Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

This Tuesday morning I woke up with a feeling of dread.  I recognized this as the way that I felt one of the other times when I was unemployed and the unemployment money ran out and the mortgage was late.  Fortunately that time and every other time like that, God has come through, first to give me strength and perseverance and then provision.

As I prepared my son to go to camp, I felt bad for him and worried that it may not be a good place.  He soldiered on and complied with my suggestions to seek a positive attitude.

At mid day my wife and I had a talk about my school situation.  She opened the door to the possibility for me to drop a class.  As we discussed this I became certain that this is what I need to do.  I didn't allow my mind to get set on the idea but it seemed inevitable.

A weird thing happened as I went through the day. I suddenly found a renewed sense of desire to persevere in my classes.   I found a new technique to study which gave me optimism.

I had to pick up all the kids which took an hour and a half.  Thank God I cooked dinner before that.

My sons and I watched The Wizard pitch against The Freak in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I caught a sound bite from the Gospel reading of the mass on TV, "judge not lest ye be judged."

Today I had a really hard time studying again.   I find myself questioning whether I am capable of completing these classes.

I thought a lot about my attitude toward my wife and her decision making today.  I had to turn away from fault finding and reactionary thinking and manipulation.

I was worried about my son at his new summer camp.  I got resentful at my wife that he is so worn out after this weekend.

I found out I made a D on my psych test.

I got to go to meeting after my class.  We talked about family issues.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I was home alone for Father's day while my wife and kids were on a trip to the beach.  During prayer this morning I thought of formation of my lower nature in 2 layers, the reactionary and the deep seceded drives.  I can't remember the depth of this concept but I wish that I could.

I went to mass by myself and enjoyed the insight into the Gospel reading of "who do you say that I am". In the opening reading it occurred to me that the concept of the sacrificial servant was present in the prophetic old testament writings.  To me this lent credibility to the claim of Christ since many at the time wanted him to be a political zealot.

I got to go to my parents house and visit with my Dad.  We had a great time together talking about sports and my kids.  I regretted that I couldn't find a way to talk about anything substantive.

In the afternoon I got a call from a guy who requested some advice for overcoming an extreme outburst of justifiable anger over an occurrence where his child was threatened.  I was grateful for the insight that I was able to provide to him this Father's day.

I had a terrible time trying to stay focused on my schoolwork again.  I read and read and could not absorb or retain anything.

When my wife came home she told that the trip was a nightmare.  My relative that went with them had a meltdown and flew into a tirade against her and my kids and my parents.  She threatened my wife and my kids and cussed them out and demanded to be let out of the vehicle and frantically called everyone she knew to pick up her car at our house and come to the coast and get her.  She physically threatened my wife and scared the hell out of my kids.  I came close to a meltdown myself.

It took a good while for me to calm down about it.  I caught myself wanted to call her and cuss her out.  I wanted to condemn her as psycho and never speak to her again.  I wanted to let her know she needs help and deserved the cold shoulder she gets from my parents.  It was ironic that I needed all the advice about overcoming resentment and forgiving a person who threatens your child that I gave to the friend today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt a great deal of emotional confusion.  I was able to attend to the routine tasks of waking, feeding, and getting the children started in their day, but I lost my sense of direction and initiative once they were underway.   This was further exacerbated by the fact that they were preparing to leave for a long trip to the beach with my wife, their cousin, and his mother.  My wife asked me if I was mad because of the look of discomfort that I must have projected.  The chaos of this part of the morning sent me into a state of ineptitude that took some time to recover from after they left.

I never did really recover however as I had to do some intensive study and was incessantly distracted. I kept thinking about housecleaning and home improvement projects and would only read a paragraph or two at a time and not concentrate enough to retain anything.  I found myself questioning whether I am capable of finishing college.  At the end of the day I thought of using a desire for professionalism to motivate me.  I need to work on building this concept.

I tried to call my sponsee today.
I called and had a long and fruitful talk with my sponsor.
I got to go to the home improvement store and think through and plan my major project.  Hopefully now it will not be as much of a distraction.
I got to attend and chair the 12 step meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I tried to do schoolwork all day but was very distracted and wasn't really productive before 4 in the afternoon.  Then, after kid pickups and starting dinner I finally got diligent.  But at this point I think my wife wanted my help and I was not available.  She had a visitor, my sister-in-law.  

I went to a meeting at 7:30.  I brought the topic of fear being the chief activator of our character defects and how it is scary to let some of them go but I must trust infinite God rather than finite self.

When I got home my wife told me about a mistake that happened with her school funding and that we would lose a good sum of money.  It was demoralizing but I was able to turn away from my worry and put my trust in God.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I spent all day studying for another test.  I wished that I could have done some other school work.   I was worried about it all day and was distracted by home improvement ideas.

I was also distracted by more thoughts about the metaphor of addiction as the rapacious creditor.  I thought about the reading that says that every instinct cries out against the admission of powerlessness or of defeat.  Then it dawned on me that this is where the predatory nature of addiction is critical. Because when I was asked to turn over my will and life, every instinct cried out against that.  I need to know that the addiction will control my will it if I do not turn it over.  I must turn my instincts against the disease or I will fall right into it's trap.  But, by turning over my will I receive true freedom.

I had the notion that I should call the incommunicado sponsee again so I did so.  He was grateful for my call and confessed to a slip.  I was thankful for the opportunity to encourage him to get back on track at this critical juncture and to seek greater willingness.

I had this moment when I was walking with my son outside of his summer camp and he was telling me about his day and I was grateful for our life together.

In the evening I went to my class and the test went well although it is questionable if I passed.  I was finished earlier than expected and thought about going to a meeting but decided (or was guided) that it would be more fair to my wife to go home and help with the kids.  It proved to be the right choice.

Thanks be to God.

Late Monday night (Tue morn. actually) I could not sleep and my cycle got thrown off.  Tuesday morning after feeding and dropping off the kids I fell asleep studying and didn't wake up until noon.  I was anxious over a test due this week and really needed to prep.  As I did so I got really stressed out when I made a lot of mistakes and made very slow progress.  The prep test was 60+ problems and I felt overwhelmed.  Nevertheless in the afternoon I went in to take it with trepidation and low expectations.

As I sat down with the test and tried to resist my anxiety it occurred to me to say a prayer.  I had a eureka moment and felt an immediate change of attitude.  I got through the test fairly quickly, it was a lot easier and shorter than I expected.  I am not sure that I passed as I might have done some problems the wrong way but I was grateful to get through it.

I had a nagging feeling to call a sponsee who has not called me but I never found time.
I felt like I should have done more school work besides the test but looking back it was all I could do that day.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about step one from the first page of the twelve and twelve.  I talked about my inability to truly admit that I was an addict until I took the steps.  The metaphor of the rapacious creditor stood out to me and someone else in the meeting shared about this concept.  I had a thought but wasn't sure where I was going with it.

Thanks be to God.

Today, or perhaps last night I thought some of what my priest said when he said that the part of The Lord's Prayer where it says "forgive us of our trespasses as we forgive others" means that we will receive forgiveness just to the extent that we give it to others.

This morning I had a very good conversation with a friend about the expression of faith as Bx + Tx + Ax = Faith, where B = Belief, T = Trust, A = Action, x = times an unknown number.

I had to do a lot of reading today.
I should have called a couple of guys that could probably use a call.
I got to take a walk with my 2 year old daughter in the warm morning.
I got to learn about the workings of the mind in class.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up late but made it to mass on time and in good spirits.  On the way I told my wife about a scene I witnessed on our block.  A for lease sign was set out in front of a house.  I passed by Saturday morning and a lady who appeared to be a landlord was standing with a couple who appeared to be there to look at the rental house and the current tenant was talking to them smoking a cigarette and crying.  I wasn't sure why I was telling my wife other then perhaps to gossip but I had a dissonant feeling as I spoke, it was the same feeling I had when I drove by.  As my wife gave her opinion, it occurred to me what I felt.  It was wrong for me to look upon the tenant and judge her disdainfully as irresponsible, especially in light of my own faults and God's forgiveness of me.

Our Gospel reading was about the pharisee who had Jesus for dinner and judged Him for socializing and forgiving the sinful woman who washed his feet.  He pointed out the pharisee's hypocrisy because he was unkind and intolerant and did not recognize his own sinfulness and God's grace to him.  The other readings also taught about how grace is given through faith, not just through obedience to the law (or good behavior).

I''ve been thinking in the past few days about the degree of morality that can only be achieved through the guidance of a personal God.  I can set a moral standard and struggle to live up to it superficially through my power of reason.  But, by subscribing to the will of a higher power I can be transformed to live up to a greater standard than is reasonable and can do it with ease.

     I got to go to a book study meeting tonight in which we read the last pages from "We Agnostics."  It was one of those times when everyone was sharing about matters that seemed far away from how to stay sober.  I had some good things to say but in my zeal for speaking about coming to believe I fell a little short on the connection to sobriety.

     I thought about how I had come to the admission that I was an addict long before taking step two.  I thought that I had been an implicit atheist, that I had only felt there was no proof but had not denied there was a personal God.  But when I actually took the step rather than assuming I already got it, I discovered that I had unrealized objections.

     As I looked at this I also thought I had been open minded and informed, but found that I had not.  I found that my objections were largely emotional and not rational at all.  When I made a rational investigation with a guide to help me stay objective, I found that my proofs against the benefits of belief were not sound.  Then I realized that I had not found proofs for God but just a place where God was possible.  There more I sought this reality the more He seemed possible.  That I wanted to believe and this seemed to be engendered within me.  Perhaps this was all the proof I needed, the revelation that God was a great reality within.

That's where I left off speaking about this.  Afterward however, I thought about how I did see one major proof and this is the one that endures, that belief has miraculously improved the lives of people throughout the ages.  I certainly saw it in the people in the rooms.   As my belief grew so my obsession left me.  As my belief progressed so did the quality of life.  There has been a profound correlation between the degree to which I have faith and the Grace that I receive.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday was a much better day. I got the kids off to a good start early with breakfast and then outside time  at 10 am.  I even felt good enough to play badminton with my sons.  I got my oldest to do his baseball practice routine later.  I did another school assignment and finished fixing my yard equipment.   Then I did a lot of yard work.  I was disappointed that my wife does not want my kids to go to the 12 step club.  She was working and I wanted to go to a meeting.  I found myself dwelling on this and blaming her that I haven't been able to get to a meeting in a week.  I had to stop.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I was up and down recovering from a cold.  I was too out of sorts to jot down anything and I didn't do a review.

This Thursday I woke feeling sick, it was probably due to working on a ceiling fan switch. It got worse as the day went on and I slept in the afternoon and went to bed early.

I wanted to go to a meeting today but could not.

Today I thought a little about evidence for God.  I thought about evidence from revelation.  How can revelation be considered valid as it is of an abstract nature.  Revelation comes from thoughts, dreams, and imagination.  It is perceived by the recipient but not a concrete occurrence in the material world.  Perhaps the validity of revelation could be measured three ways: it is logically valid, it is widely accepted and enduring, and it works when applied.  Perhaps it is similar to theory and heuristic acceptance.  Perhaps this is that great reality within.

I spent most of the day trying to catch up on reading for my evening class but struggled to stay attentive and focused.  I felt this way in class also.  

I wanted to go to a meeting this day but could not.  I got to speak to a friend who had a set back.  

I was grateful for recent gains in my life.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had to crunch out the last of my assignment that was  due on Sunday.  I wasn't able to get started until after all the kids were fed and cleaned up.  I also took a little time to review Monday.  I eventually got the work done in the afternoon.  The snails pace that it takes me to complete this work was deeply frustrating but I found motivation in the gratitude of finally receiving this learning.

I had a major increase in initiative over the day before.  I even got the weed eater out and got it working.

I called back a guy who asked me to sponsor him.  I need to make some more calls.

I made sure the kids got some outside time twice and the boys did some baseball practice.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  I got to relate my exit interview experience to the topic of ideals grounded in a power greater than ourselves.

Before bed I read in my Psych book about Ben Franklin's practice of moral examination.  I remembered also that I have had some experiences lately with spiritual disturbances and arousals in my dreams that I was able to resist and pray away.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday during meditation the subject of evening review and a recent discussion came up.  A friend asked me questions about the shortcomings that I find, how many and how often.  When I told him, he said that I was being too hard on myself.  I thought this over and reviewed the process, specifically the deliberate act of seeking out a certain amount of failings.  In the end I concluded that this is an important task to seek an objective and humble look because I am prone to inflate my good character and minimize the little things that add up to big problems.  I thought in depth and analogously about this but it is too lengthy to write right now.

I thought a lot today about a memory I had last night of my exit interview from my first treatment.  I recalled how the counselor observed that I did not seek to depend on a personal God and he told me that I would not stay sober despite my exemplary work.  I recalled that he told me that this program depended on a concept of God that could command the will and that an ambiguous spirituality could not.

I had to work on schoolwork all day to try and complete the assignments that were due yesterday.  Seeing the announcements off assignments for this week come into my inbox aroused anxiety within me. In the evening we had an event scheduled for a minor league pro baseball game.  It was autism awareness night and my sons were to got onto the field with a group.  I realized that one of my classes was tonight. I had to make a decision not to go to the game as it would be detrimental to miss the class at such a critical time.

When class time came it caught me by surprise and I realized that I hadn't done the reading.  I felt anxious about this but just assured myself that it would be ok with God's help. When I got there the class was cancelled.  I went home and did more work to catch up.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had to go to early mass because my wife was teaching.  While we were getting up she griped at me and I resented it.  Nevertheless, we did get going and get there on time and in good spirits.  Today's mass was the

After mass I got after my math studies.  I read three sections and did the online homework.  This gave me a positive outlook even thought I have 7 sections due by tomorrow or the next day if need be.

My wife took my oldest son to an orchestra show of Star Wars music.  After dinner with the younger kids, I decided to take them to the 12 step club since they had such a great time yesterday.  They had a lot of fun and I got to go to the meeting.  It was a book study and we read the end of "More about Alcoholism" and the beginning of "We Agnostics".  I experienced some new perceptions of the material in the chapter.  Several people shared about issues that I could have helped with.  But, I never did jump in as I couldn't narrow down my thoughts enough, or set aside my desire to cross-talk.  Afterward I talked to someone new and he asked for sponsorship.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought about how people's thinking is based on the interaction of the mind with it's environment and with other minds.  So the thinking doesn't arise from the physical structures of the body but rather from abstract structures in the sphere of the psyche.

I spent the morning working on my studies again.  It was especially difficult because the weather was beautiful and I wanted to get outside.  This made it difficult to concentrate not to mention the distraction of the kids.

In the afternoon we all went to a birthday celebration for the 12 step club of my home group.  Initially my wife seemed to be angry with me for wanting to go, which would interfere with her plans.  But apparently one of her friends changed her attitude.  We had a really great time, the kids loved it.  A guy there had really cleaned up the place and the kids enjoyed the playscape and playing with the other kids.  I didn't get to go to the meeting but I was grateful that my family went.

When we got home the neighbors were having a birthday party and they invited us over.  We got to be good neighbors.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I spent the first half of the day studying.  I struggled to keep focused on a lot of dry material.  I got a respite in the afternoon when I found an audio download of the study material. I was able to do a long needed home improvement project with my new tools while listening to the audio file.

My niece spent the night with my children.  Last night when we said grace she got into a discussion with one of my children that she didn't believe in God.  She said that she didn't judge others though.  I was so busy and brain dead that I just didn't want to get into that discussion.  Plus, I had been preoccupied with my studies all day and hadn't had any warm up time with her.  I found this troubling today.

In the evening I got to meet with a sponsee and get him to step three. I realized just to what extent I have become more comfortable teaching this material.  I am grateful to feel that this has truly become a working part of the mind.  I was also especially grateful for the chance to cultivate my sobriety.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to get out of bed before prayer and prepare to welcome my niece over to visit us.  After my wife got up and the kids got fed I got to spend some quiet time in prayer.  It wasn't perfect but I was grateful.

I was very anxious about my school work today.  I tried to study for my networking class but it was tremendously distracting with all the kids home and my niece visiting.  In the afternoon they went on a trip with my wife.  I was very grateful for this opportunity but then I struggled almost as bad with the clamors in my head and lack of motivation for the material.  In the end I got through it and became much more motivated to study the material.  I received a great uplift from this although I was brain dead from the effort.

I got to go to a nice dinner out with the family.

I got to go to a meeting and talk about the part that evidence for faith played in coming to believe.

I got to talk to a sponsee and had a change of attitude that I can shift gears mentally and find time to work with others.

Thanks be to God.

I got off to a good start today despite trouble waking up.

After dropping off the kids I got to go to the 12 step club and repair some tent covers that were broken.

I read about the fourth step in the 12x12 today.  I didn't recall reading about starting out a rough assessment by asking some questions before.  The nature of the questions posed questions about misdirected instinct rather than resentment first.  Resentment is still treated as the most dangerous but categorized among the others.  It could be said that the emphasis shows the influence of the psychological but the 7 deadly sins are also emphasized indicating that perhaps the adjusted emphasis was objective based on additional experience at the time of writing.

I got to read a chapter for my networking class.
I got to talk to a sponsee.
I got to go to my first psychology class and meet some nice people.

A huge storm blew in and broke the monotony of the hot, dry weather.

My spirits were really up today.  It was one of those days that just felt too short.

Thanks be to God.

Last night was a busy night for me and I was very tired, I didn't get to write a review.  It was a bit of a down day for me in that I felt a little off center and unproductive.

After dropping off the kids I went and made a major tool purchase, I had to replace a tool that was worn out.  I spent way too much of the day questioning the purchase instead of being grateful to God that he blessed me with the opportunity to make a much needed upgrade.  I had to remind myself that I need functional equipment and I have little time to deal with intermittent breakdowns.  

I got to talk to a sponsee and offer him encouragement to prioritize the right things in life. I realized just how important it is to us to talk about struggles with choices and to be exhorted to make the right ones.

After kid pickups in the afternoon I fell asleep hard.  I had stayed up too late on Monday night and it caught up with me.  Looking back I see that this was the real source of my low spirits.

I had some fears about the demands of this upcoming semester.
My wife and I bickered about a home improvement project and an event she wants to take my kid to.
I got some time in the evening to get some things straightened out in the garage.
I got an orientation quiz done with my wife's help.

Thanks be to God.