This morning I got off to another late start but I put my best spin on it that we need to sleep in to stay up late tonight for New Years Eve. I planned to carry a vision of God's will into all my affairs when I prayed.

Meditation led me to think about our parenting plan. A approach to talk to my wife came to mind.

In the evening I took the kids to the annual New Years Eve party at my former sponsor's home. They had a great time but I had to leave early to bring a couple of them home. I wish that I had exercised a little more social grace and given some goodbyes and gratitude to friends and especially the host.

I reflected on the past year. I am grateful for another year sober and living the spiritual life and all the blessings I get to receive.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I got off to a decent albeit late start. My prayers were the abbreviated version but I made my daily spiritual connection, made the commitment to do God's will, and planned my conduct.

After breakfast I heard my wife playing with the kids in bed. After a bit I heard them getting out of hand and her griping at them. This quickly descended into yelling. I intervened by critically griping at her briefly. I allowed her the last comment as I realized that I was treating her the same way as I was criticizing her for. Nevertheless, some correction was needed and I thought about what I should have said.

I should have just calmly reminded her to follow our parenting plan. But it occurred to me that we don't really have an agreed upon parenting plan. I thought about how to approach her about this. I expect resistance and wondered what I could do to foster cooperation.

I spent most of the morning raking leaves. As I prepared to do the job it occurred to me that I should get my son involved in the job. I expected resistance. I wondered how I could foster cooperation. I thought about allowing for a transition. I informed him about the project but didn't dump it on him and expect him to stop what he was doing. I also planned the job in small increments, with a reasonable scope of completion. When my son joined me I utilized some flexibility to alter my plan and have us work together instead of on separate sections. We spent all morning talking and bonding in our work.

I spent the rest of the afternoon acquiring more bargain sports training equipment from a sale and then playing outside with the kids. They wore me out but it was a great deal of fun.

I thought quite a bit today about the reason most people need God to get sober and for that matter everyone  needs him to live life. I know that I need God to set the limits of the moral rationale that leads to my behavior and to my state of mind. But I have found the expression of this idea in simple words to be ineffable. Perhaps the best expression is that I need God to be the supreme arbiter of my conduct.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. It was speaker night at my 12 step group. Our guest was a friend who works at a treatment center. He told his story in the format of his experience with each step. When he got to the part about step 10-11 he mentioned that we should do this every day. He mentioned recent relapses after long term sobriety. He talked about logging meeting attendance and service work in our evening reviews. I thought about whether or not I have been taking effective inventory as I have not been writing lately. I have been praying and taking verbal inventory with my sons every night and have not seen an accumulation of resentment, fear, or dishonesty. I have been meditating on my conduct at various times throughout each day. I believe that my personal inventory has been effective but I still have the resolve to write and believe that it is the most effective method.

Thus I do this journal.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had a good start to the day with enough time for prayer and a decent attitude. We rose at a reasonable hour and I chose reasonable expectations given the long Christmas weekend.

Most of the day was spent cleaning and getting back to normal. The kids all enjoyed their new toys. I tried to set appropriate limits but remain a little more flexible than usual about outside physical activities and such.

In the afternoon some neighborhood kids came around and I tried to have a kind and tolerant attitude despite a point of disagreement with my wife. Later, my youngest son and I had some quality practice time. I used the strategy that I planned after the last difficult time. That is, I let him know well before hand, tied the session to reward, took small steps, and exercised patience. He really came through with a great effort.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I heard something out of the Big Book that I never heard before, "Our behavior will convince them more than our words."

Afterward I gave an old mentor a ride home. We had a good talk.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a pretty good state of mind. I was able to get through my prayers and meditation effectively. I thought about getting back to doing consistent and thorough inventory.

Over the past week or so, I have had several dreams of using and existential themes. I thought of how life has deprived me of time and energy to conduct my spiritual practices. I must exert myself to get back to them.

As I completed my prayers I had a lot of enthusiasm, ideas, and a plan to get to this after breakfast. It's 1:30 now and the kids are whining for this and that. One thing after another has interrupted me from doing the inventory that I planned. I have no idea what I was thinking about this morning.

This morning I got to go to a meeting. The topic was a good one, its easy to rest on out laurels. I had a lot to say about it. In fact I had too much to say. While talking I digressed into a tangent that I regretted. No one seemed to care but I was disappointed. When I came home I made it a point to write my thoughts concisely on my 12 step blog.

People had a lot of good things to say that I needed to hear.

I was grateful for a couple of resource blessings today.
I was grateful for the initiative to attend my son's choir event tonight and take his brother and sisters.
I was grateful rain today.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I started researching some information about the science of behavior. I found a great website that had an educational tutorial. I is really well done and informative. I was a very good review and I felt like I relearned some stuff that I already knew better. But, then it went south. I began to encounter what appears to be a political agenda and a bias. The main principle that I disagreed with was the idea that behavior does not originate in people. That behavior is initiated in the environment. That their is no point in trying to change a person's mind. That there is no "miracle mind" just a locus of variables, hereditary traits, history of conditioning, and current environment.

I felt that this view fails to consider the nature of memory. That the psyche is the history of conditioning, history of experiences, and a complex accumulation of logic.

It's been two full months since I last did a written evening review. I have not stopped taking my inventory. I just have not been able to write it. Fortunately I have not seen a drop in effectiveness.

Every night when I put my sons to bed, we pray and review our days. When I retire myself I think back a little more carefully. Sometimes I review in the morning just as with my writing.

It's not that I don't want to write my review anymore, it's just that I have to write so much for school and I am always behind so anytime I touch the keyboard during the semester, I have to be doing that. Thank God that the semester is over. Perhaps I can resume my practice.

I have also noted that personal examination comes a lot more natural now. I am not so sure that I must write to be thorough as I did in the first half dozen years of sobriety.

I am grateful that my mom offered financial help to get through this month.
I am grateful that I got to talk to a friend in sobriety today.
I am grateful that I got to get a lot of errands done and items posted for sale.
I am grateful a sponsee called me yesterday.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a very vivid using dream.  A doctor was giving a series of injections to a group of people I was with and he was allowing us to add cocaine to them. I recall much anticipation to get mine. I recall waking up and thinking about redoubling my efforts.

Today I worried about getting school work done.  My group therapy class drained me emotionally.

It was a beautiful afternoon that I got to spend with my children. My parents came for a surprise visit and brought us a special tamale dinner.

Thanks be to God.

Today was just golden.

I woke up still feeling woozy from being sick.  I caught myself spiraling into anxiety and worry. I made myself stop over valuing the things that I was afraid of not doing right. I turned to prayer and resolved to think of God with me at times throughout my day.

We had baseball games early.  I pitched for my middle son's team and he went 3-3.  My daughter had a tee ball game and got a compliment from her coach afterwards about her running.  She got to play pitcher and made an out. I got to watch her slide into home.  My oldest got invited to play as a substitute on another team and he made all 3 outs in the first inning.  He hit well in both his games including a towering fly to the outfield for a triple.  We all had fun outdoors together and by noon I felt completely healed from my illness.

My wife and I never lost our tempers with each other today. Even when we got sidetracked from and our middle son got separated from his equipment bag.  Even when I let my son and his cousin ride bikes to the school alone and the cousin barked his elbow.

One of the best things about faith is that there are moments all of your dreams come true.  One of the common problems I have is that these moments are so captivating that I forget to think about God while they are happening.  God, I am thinking about you now.  I love you and I thank you for all that you are.

Today I am grateful that I got to meet with the head of our dept in school and get appropriate guidance.  I feel secure in my educational path.

In my group therapy class i found a better outlook on our work.  For this am grateful.

I am grateful for insight into the recent moments of emotional disturbance.

I am grateful that I got to play ball with my kids and their friends in the neighborhood.

I am grateful that i got to help my mom move a tv.

I am grateful that I didn't get the stomach virus that my family has had.

I am grateful for 2 inches of rain.

I am grateful for a walk off grand slam by the Rangers that I got to share with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I flew solo with the kids to mass. Before mass, after breakfast, I thought about staying home when I saw that my wife would not make it.  But, I decided to take a moment and let my body rest and the spirit guide me before making a decision.  I was able to find the forte and willingness to make it. My wife and I made sure that we all looked decent and we made it their early. At mass I found myself stopping to correct the kids.  They didn't misbehave badly so I chose not to disengage my focus from the liturgyu too much.  I even let my youngest go to children's liturgy.  This is a bit worrisome to me as I risk not noticing if they do something egregious.  Our gospel reading was about the king who had a wedding and their attitude.  The priest related this to making it to mass on time, dressing appropriately, being on time and engaged, and staying til the end.

This morning my wife was still sick so she had to miss all the kids baseball games.  I felt bad for her but was grateful that she was getting better.  My parents were a big help managing the kids at the ball field. Before my #2 son's game I found myself questioning if I should be attempting to be the team pitcher given that my attendance is so uncertain. After the game I realized just how fortunate it is for him that I am given his motor-sensory delay. In fact I was grateful for the opportunity to be a needed asset to the team which may in turn increase my son's sense of contribution and esteem.

In the afternoon there was a moment as often happens lately, when I was just warming up to my wife when she observed something I did that caused her to unleash a tirade at me.  In this case it was that I ran some of her laundry through the drier mixed in with a load I found in the washer that she left there when she got sick. She catastrophized this as my having "ruined her entire wardrobe."  For a moment my heart sank and my anger raged. But I caught and resisted these feelings.  These are the things I have control over, not her behavior.  Now I just need to work on willingness to try not to mess with her laundry in the future.

I worried all day about the state of my school work and whether or not I missed any deadlines.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We talked about "there is a solution."

Late at night I got to finish my school work.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up very worried about a classroom presentations and repeatedly had to set it aside and turn it over.  I resolved to focus on centering my thoughts on God before praying.

In meditation I imagined an empty room in a wooden chapel.  I imagine a woman and an angel in the room.  The woman had her arm extended with her palm open toward the center of the room.  A beam of light shone from a small opening in the ceiling and made a circle on the floor.  The angel was very tall and wearing a greek warrior's clothing and holding a spear.  He was kneeling before the light.  A very bright spot materialized in the beam of light.  It turned into a lamb and then a heart and then a crucifix.  Then the crucifix was empty.  Their in the light stood the Lord with his arms open.  I admitted my sins to him and offered myself to him in repentance.  He held out his hand which contained a ball of light.  It was for me to take and place into my heart.

On the way to school I relived my older daughter's tee ball game with her and remembered how she got the biggest cheer.  Thanks be to God.

At my first class I worried as many people gave their presentations and I realized that I failed to address some key questions.  Then a guy chimed in with his and I realized that he did the same subject as me.  At first I was very distressed.  But then I realized that there were some things he did not report on that I could.  Plus he wrote about the things that I had forgotten.  I went next and it was very well received.  Thanks be to God.

I had a test at my next class.  I got to study with some friends and passed with an 88.  Thanks be to God.

After school I went and picked up my daughter at school.  She informed me that it was her birthday.  I felt bad for having forgotten and not having done anything special for her.  She had a great day at school and they all celebrated with her.  Thanks be to God.

Tonight I got to carry the message of recovery at a treatment center. Then I got to go to a meeting and celebrate my sobriety birthday.  Thanks be to God.

After prayers tonight, I told my oldest son about my vision in the chapel.  He wished me love and a good night.  Thanks be to God.

This morning in class a topic about the difficulty of measuring success as a counselor came up from a guy with years of experience employed as an intern.  I thought about the whole idea of treatment outcome goals and settled on engaging, informing, and experiencing (the recovery process and community) as perhaps the best goals.  Given that recovery occurs on a continuum individual to each person then perhaps it is better than measurement of abstinence.  Not that time of abstinence is not a good measure.  But rather, that it is just one measure and that even 30 days could be noted as some level of success.

Perhaps the best measure would be to survey ex-clients, even years later to assess the affect of their on their outlook on recovery.  I thought of many stories I have been told of counselors and treatment experiences and how these factored into a person finally finding recovery.  Some were inconsequential, others detrimental, and others significant.  I thought of the times I crossed paths paths with people who had experienced a particular recovery that made a difference for them vs. those that were not significant.   Like the old dealer had been in the SMART program and asked me incisive questions that led to my recovery, and the ex crack smoker who had a plan of action when I tried to get him to drink with me.  While one had active sobriety and the other did not, they both had been engaged in recovery to a significant enough extent that they were well informed and saw it as a positive experience.  This was especially inspiring in the case of the guy who was relapsed as I sensed that he looked back at his time in recovery longingly.

This morning after mass my wife got angry with me and stated that I do not treat her with the respect that I treat others.  That I am constantly cutting her off and am tyrannical about deciding when she and the kids can speak. She also said that I look at what she does but not at myself.  I had to discern how much of this was her resentful bias and how much this is true.  I thought about how I have taken active and evident measures to examine myself for years.  I thought about how I do know that sometimes I am impatient and disrespectful and either realize it right away or discover it through the process of self-examination.  But, some of the instances when it happens seem unavoidable.  Sometimes it is in response to her not practicing patient communication herself.  Sometimes when she communicates she is doing so rashly and rapidly making assumptions and inferences and taking action that affects me or others without careful consideration. Sometimes I just need her to slow down, and stop and think before acting.  But I lose patience or must act due to the circumstances.  I wish she could understand the difference.

I thought about our sermon today in which the priest talked about the monkey trap story.  Where the monkey sticks his hand in the hole cut in the coconut and cannot let go of the treats.  The monkey cannot let go and his hand stays trapped and allows the hunter to capture or kill him.

This is our trap.

Today I had to resist reacting to my wife when she griped at me.
Today I had to change directions when my son did not have his lunch at school.
Today I had to resist my tendency to exaggerate and worry about what other people might be thinking of me.

I am grateful that I got to water a garden in the cool morning air.
I am grateful that I got to observe occupational therapy today.
I am grateful that I got to build a squirrel's nest with my daughter.
I am grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.


This morning I had a few important thoughts that I need to save,

In order to set life vocation goals my son should list his ambitions and then think of a pyramid of related occupations or skills to offer a model with a broad scope of possibilities.  For example:
Fighter Pilot
remote pilot, co-pilot
flight crew, plane designer,
any military aviation related job, non-military aviation related job, etc, etc

When people seek help with addiction they need a model, a process, and a plan.  They need vision and motivation.  Addiction is a problem of the will, the addict has lost the power of the will.  The motivational force has been abducted and is employed by the obsession to receive the un-natural form of hyper-stimulation.

A trigger is a stimulus and a response.   A natural stimulation and arousal of the senses is an unconditioned response, it is an autonomic process.  A non-natural stimulus that has been paired (trained) with a natural stimulus so that the response is elicited by the non-natural stimulus is a conditioned response.  An example of a natural stimulus is the smell of food.  A non natural stimulus is the word "steak."  b


Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had to get the kids up and off to a family reunion out of town.  I had to resist the tendency to get stressed out about making it on time and well prepared.  My wife was worn out from work last night and had another job today so she did not make it with us.  It was difficult at times and I felt bad about losing track of my kids at times and griping at them in public.  When we got there I felt anxious because my parents weren't there yet.

The park where the event was held was very nice and the kids had a great time.  I did get stressed when my oldest son had an indigestion crisis.  We had to leave suddenly without adequate goodbyes.  I feel bad that I don't do these people justice and that we don't help them with the event.  Perhaps this is something I can plan for as they get older.

I am grateful that we did not run out of gas on the way home.  I forgot that we were kinda low and when I looked down my gauge was below empty. We were on the toll rode nowhere near a gas station and it was 99 degrees outside.  Thankfully we made it.

I wish that I could keep up these reviews.  I really love this part of my program.  I have so much to write about every day.  I guess I must accept that God has me too busy with family, school work, and friends right now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all woke up on time and in good spirits, we got off to a good start for the first day of school.

As the kids entered the car my oldest son closed his door without looking back just as his little brother was boarding behind him.  Son #2's hand got trapped in the closed door.  I was overcome with terror as I saw the little one screaming with his hand trapped.  I imagine bones crushed and flesh ripped.  I yelled at my older son to open the door which he frantically tried.  When the boy was freed I checked him and didn't see any blood or dangling fingers.  Nevertheless I yelled angrily at the big brother and hit him on the chest.  My wife was hysterical at this point yelling at me that it wasn't his fault and to console him while she consoled the little one.  The big brother was sobbing with tears at this point.  I realized that he just had a careless moment that anyone could have.  I realized that I overreacted and needed to get control of my feelings.  Even though I felt bad for him, I had to let him go through his feelings for a moment.  Seeing that the little one miraculously did not seem injured I checked the door and found that the door is designed with a gap where it comes together with the body.  After things settled for a moment I pulled the older brother over and showed him the gap and assured him that little brother was not seriously hurt.  I apologized for losing my temper and tried to give him words of comfort and understanding.  I felt bad for both boys but they were both able to go on and have a great day.  I had to pray for forgiveness and self control.

I had an appointment to report in for work study at school.  As  I drove there, I began to rethink the whole proposition and concluded that it may be untenable and a poor choice.  I called my wife to discuss it with her.  She immediately launched into a tirade about being tired of working her ass off and she hung up on me.  She called me back and we were still not able to communicate civilly.  I did go in and sign up for an interview and Worked through my uncertainty.  I came away with a feeling of optimism and new ideas of how the experience will be of benefit despite the financial inefficiency.  By the end of the day my wife and I made nice with each other.

I was grateful that my kids had a great first day at school.
I am grateful for financial aide for my books.
I am grateful that my dad bought shoes for my kids.
I am grateful that I got to spend one on one time with my older son on an errand this evening.
I am grateful that my wife has a forgiving attitude to me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to exert myself to stick to my prayers.  My mind wanted to bounce from thought to thought chaotically.  It seems that I have drifted into this pattern over the last few days.

I was disappointed that I didn't wake up on time and neither did the kids.  I had to catch myself and resist chastising them and take responsibility for it myself.  We weren't terribly late but if it had been a school day we would not have been on time.  I started out the morning with depressed feelings about lacking energy and initiative.  But I drew a sense  of encouragement from having completed my prayers with effective meditation on my virtue goals.  Then, after breakfast, the realization came that Wednesday was a physically and emotionally exhausting day, that's all.  I did not back slide, I just was having a little understandable fatigue.

After we got going, it turned out to be a productive day.  I was grateful to get the kids active outside in the morning and then get some school support service tasks in order.  I had a good talk with my daughter's pre-school director.  My wife took the older kids to their "meet the teacher" appointments.

All day I had to catch myself griping at the kids and work to handle things systematically.  There was a point where I was too harsh with my words to my oldest son when he was whining.  But he seemed to respond to it and later we made amends.

In the evening my parents took myself and my kids to buy shoes for school.  We had a nice dinner back home and watched the 2003 LLWS quarter final game.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Thursday morning I had a hard time getting started.  I did get us going, we walked to the park. There was a moment when I was teaching my older daughter how to throw a disc properly and she was insisting on throwing it with her non-dominant arm.  She was very stubborn and threw a fit and cried that she did not throw it that way.   I found myself getting irritable and impatient.  I almost got very harsh with her but instead sent her for a cool down.  After a bit we tried again and she was able to get it.  But I realized that I had been throwing with her before and had not realized that she was throwing right handed.  I was able to be more sympathetic, patient and aware of the smaller increments of the process that I had to teach her.  I was able to do so and she responded.  Later this made me think more generally about how often I have seen this in my life in various settings where the necessary increments of training are neglected.

After the park trip and some yard work, I was never able to be very productive (aside from feeding the kids) the rest of the day.  My wife worked all day so I was home alone with the kids.  I had an aimless feeling at times but I was able to get things done.

We talked again about the loss of our dog and how much she meant to our family and how she is in doggy heaven which the kids now call "Rainbow Bridge."

Thanks be to God.

This morning we rose fairly early in keeping with my plans for this week.  The kids are home again for this last week of summer and I want to keep them active and on schedule for school next week.

Around noon I had to practice patience as my wife had friends visit.  My house was full of people when I didn't really want it to be.

I did some batting practice with my oldest son and I cleaned the area in the back corner of my yard behind the fence to park our boat.  I am journaling this because I felt aimless and unproductive later in the day but it was not true.  I also had to do a lot of cleaning and cooking as my wife didn't rise with us in the morning.

I did feel some fatigue and took a long nap in the afternoon.  I think I may have a bug as I have had some congestion the past two nights.  Again I log this so that I don't overdo the sense of not doing enough.

I had to watch for the arousal of resentment today when reviewing the deed restriction violation of having my boat parked in the yard on the side of the house which I received from our neighborhood management services.  I am grateful to have a house.  I think I need to sell the boat.

Over the past few days I thought some again about the problem of the will.  I've had some ideas about this that I believe to be at the core of the addiction problem.  I believe it to be the main reason why the 12 step program is so effective.  The right words finally came the other day.  But now I can't remember them.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Tuesday morning I had a dream sometime.  In the dream I was living in my addiction.  I don't remember the details, I just remember chopping and lining out blow and chasing more and constantly slaving to keep it up.

This Thursday I got the kids up on time and we went to the park all morning again.   Then my sons played with their friends outside the rest of the morning.  I felt successful at keeping them active.  It even rubbed off on me as I was motivated to do extra yardwork all the way to lunchtime and never felt unproductive today.

In the afternoon after the kids settled in during the heat of the day, one of their friends came to the door on his bike.  After I informed him that the kids would be out again later, he rode his bike through my freshly watered yard creating a huge trough.  I ran back outside and griped at him to get out of the mud.  He then continued to ride through it.   Later, I looked out the window and he was doing it again for fun.  I had to practice patience and tolerance while assertively scolding him for it.

Every time I went outside and saw that my yard and driveway looked like a dirt bike track I had to resist my anger.  I caught myself calling him a little F@#%head in my head and I had to stop.  After several iterations of this, I had to imagine him as Jesus.

This Wednesday morning I had a dream that I was smoking pot.  I don't remember any details but it was worth noting that I had this dream. In thinking back to it, I believe that this may be evidence of the effect of long term behaviors to create psychodynamic forces.

This afternoon I had a thought about proof of the existence of God and supernatural power.  It was prompted by a story about a boy who came back to life after drowning and being dead for 15 minutes.  I recalled that I could not believe even when I wanted to, or at least knew that I needed to.  I see now that I could not believe because I demanded proof of miracles.  I needed incontrovertible proof of defiance of the physical laws of the universe.  But in my quest for faith I realized that the type of...(thought never completed.

This evening I went to a very interesting meeting.  It was a new 12 step meeting on Wednesday night, something I had been wishing for for a long time.  It was great to be there until I started to encounter the fellows who were getting it started and they gave their spiel as to the vision of the meeting.  In short they are trying to create a meeting in which people do it "right". They made a list of "suggestions" for their meeting.  These are guidelines and rules which seem to address the wrongs they see in some meetings and to cultivate a sort of 12 step utopia they have envisioned.  Some of this is well intentioned but they come across as rules.  It reminded me of all the times I have been involved in this sort of endeavor and how it is typically unnecessary and sometimes dysfunctional.  In the twelve step fellowships "we do not govern."

This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed after a long day yesterday.  I resisted the impulse to stress and anxiety getting to church.  We got there in good spirits.   When my wife and children left for children's liturgy, a family slipped into their seats.  We did a good job of adapting with out forcing them out uncomfortably.  They were able enjoy their worship with us.  Our priest did something unusual for our parish when he called a young person being deployed into the military to the altar and had us raise our hands in prayer for her and family.  This was a special, deeply inspirational moment.

During the day we did a great job as a family managing our time and limiting our leisure media activities to specific intervals.  I was able to get all the kids to do housework and we did a great cleanup.  I got to practice baseball throwing with my son who has autism.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting with a friend.  We read from the chapter "We Agnostics" about our   closed mindedness towards the concept of a Higher Power and how it is reasonable to believe.  About how we were worshipers all along and that deep down within us is the fundamental idea of God.

Interestingly enough, when I came home I saw the program "Curiosity" asking the question of whether the universe needed a creator and thus, does God exist?  It ended with Stephen Hawking concluding that a creator could not exist because time did not exist and therefore a first "cause" could not exist.  I was very disappointed because the answers seem easy.

God transcends time, he is the "beginning and the end."
God transcends the laws of nature, at least those of this universe.
We are limited to testing and measurement of the properties of this universe, thus we can only justify God's existence through experience.
The law of cause and effect can only be grasped by experience, so when we experience belief and the consequent transcendence, we experience God.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I woke up at home alone.  It was eerily quiet in my home.  It was too quiet.  I had a hard time deciding what best to do and compulsively did some yard work.

At mid-morning my resentment towards my wife began to decay.  I began to more fully accept my mistakes and turn my sentiments towards resolving them.  I saw my actions and reactions were the real source of my problems, and the only things I can control.  I gave her a call to amend our communication with each other.  It was neglectful of me not to call her last night.

I got to spend some great time outdoors in the morning.
I got to eat a great breakfast that my mom made.
I got to watch a baseball documentary with my dad.
I worried about not working on my final essay, but turned my thoughts to enjoying the day.
My sons and I conceived and implemented a baseball practice inside the house by going through reps of the throwing and hitting motions using weighted balls.
I got to attend a party in the neighbors back yard with my sons and enjoy their hospitality.
My wife and girls made it home safe.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning I tried to get up early and take the kids to the park.  None of them got up on time and I had to resist being disappointed that we were not there early enough.  At the park my oldest son was uncooperative and complaining.  As i tried to go through a light baseball practice with him I became impatient and demanding.  At one point I looked at the expression on his face and remembered back to when I was a kid and when the game ceased to be fun.  I had to adapt some flexibility while retaining some discipline.  I let him sit down after he completed some very basic throws and when his ire passed I invited him to join in helping his little brother whom I was then instructing.

During this time I expressed frustration at not making it outdoors early enough.  But it did work out and we made a good start to this week.  I can see that my frustration was because of my expectations and it would have been worse had I not practiced acceptance.

I spent the rest of the day keeping the kids busy and doing yard work as motivated by seeing my neighbor's yard this weekend.

At the end of the day I got into a brief disagreement with my wife when I came home from an errand and it was 8:45 p,m and the kids were watching a movie.  I told them it was bedtime because we are on a new schedule and my wife insisted that I was being mean and that they should be able to watch the movie.  I thought about being calm and assertive but eventually lost my temper and said that I give up trying, that the kids will just be fat, lazy, slackers.  My wife took this personally.  I didn't mean it as a stab at her.  But this is my genuine fear.  I can see that my fear caused my motivation to over-function and drive me blindly.  I pray that I will do better this week.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today and I tried and tried to write an essay for my philosophy class in and couldn't seem to get anywhere.  In the afternoon I was tasked with taking my son to his therapy appointment.  I had two other kids with me and it was crowded and hot that office.  My wife was at work but was planning to meet me there and pick up one of the kids to leave on her imprompotu vacation.  I didn't want to sit there for an hour so I called her to dispute the need to meet there.  I disagreed with her plan and we argued about it.  Frustrated and with my son complaining, I took the kids on a small errand.  During that time my wife called me as she had arrived at the clinic in and and I missed it.  4 minutes later I arrived back and called her back and she was furious.

I was mad at her for not communicating well with me.  But I was just as guilty of not listening and communicating well with her.  I was angry enough to imagine her apologizing to me and me refusing to accept her apology.  I can see now that I was taking her inventory.  I need to stick to my side of the street and make amends to her for losing my cool.

This evening my wife and the girls were away on a trip to the coast.  My son's spent the night at the grand parents.  I got to go to a meeting.  Interestingly enough the topic was again read from page 24 about how the alcoholic has lost the power of choice In drink.

Thanks be to god.

This morning my prayers were very abbreviated due to the presence of our guests.  I wanted to make sure and get up early enough to cook breakfast which I was able to do.  I was able to have some early quiet time and listen to the prayers, gospel, and reflection om the daily mass on TV while cooking.

I got to go to an AA meeting at noon today.  The transition from the 3rd to the 4th step was read.  This made me think of how I thought AA was superstitious and impractical for years.  But after countless attempts at sobriety including therapists, rehabs, and other programs, when I finally took the steps I found that the program was actually the most pragmatic and practical program I had tried.  In step 3 it addressed the problem of the will, by giving me a universal standard to abide by and the evidence of "miraculous" recovery in the members of the group.  In step 4 it was practical in its examination of my behavior, thinking, and decision making (much like the other programs I tried)  but coupled with a source of power to make it effective.

This afternoon my wife phoned me with a proposition for which she was very enthusiastic.  She wanted to take a trip with the kids to a town a few hundred miles away and stay at her friend's home.  As she asked me she tried to go into details to sell me on the idea.  I had to interrupt her and let her know that I did not want her taking the kids on a long trip in our unreliable vehicles in this 105+ weather.  I didn't have any flexibility on this and I realized that I actually forbid her to take my children.  I had to make a conscious effort to avoid falling into an antagonistic attitude about this.  I had to keep my objectivity, listen to her point of view, and have a rational discussion.

Today I was able to draft the outline for my final philosophy essay.

This Tuesday I spent the morning preparing to have guests.  I had to avoid being irritable about this again.  Fortunately it was later in the afternoon before they arrived.

I was again absorbed in my philosophy work and had a feeling of futility about it.  I also had to study for my biology final.  I took the test in the afternoon and made a 92.  I was actually a bit disappointed in that I could not see how I could have missed 4 questions (out of 50).  I recognized this as a selfish demand (expectation) and resisted this attitude immediately and turned to gratitude for a great grade.  I had to mull over this several times and talk to my wife before it passed.  Thanks be to God!

 I thought about attachment and the role that it plays in the integration of the person.  I thought about how my parents provided me with a strong attachment when I was a child.  Our relations later became strained but this was when I was a teenager.  If I could identify a problem in the younger formative years I would say it was in transition to separation.  It occurred to me that a healthy attachment involves being able to keep the sense of inner security when the child is separated from the parents.  The insecurity that I recall as a child was a sense of dis-integration, that is that I was no longer held together by the presence of my parent.  I believe that my children have this, that is why they are typically okay apart from us.  Perhaps it would serve them well in their formation if I would make a more conscious effort to cultivate this.  Also this serves as an archetype for their relationship with God.  I think that if I could present them with a secure and tangible image of God as their father, protector, and guide, then I could better help them depend on him for their personal integration, that is for the parts of themselves to stay together, to feel whole.

I also had a thought about the role that an attitude of service plays in resolving the problems of daily living.  In other words, when I have a dilemma, conflict, or decision, if I am most concerned about what my function, attitude and role is as if it were my job then I am less apt to fall into resentment, stress and anxiety.   Whereas if I am looking too much at my environmental circumstances, or actions of others, or my expectations then I am certain to be discontent.

In the evening our home was chaotic with guests and their children visiting.

I am grateful to have a home to entertain guests.

Thanks be to God

This Monday morning I set out to review and synthesize Hume's model of human understanding.

My mom came and visited in the morning. We talked about the upcoming semester and the result was a greater sense of motivation for the course of action that I am pursuing.

I also spent a good amount of time on cleaning tasks in preparation for a visit from my wife's friends and their children on their vacation.  I had to resist the tendency to fall into an irritable attitude about this.

Aside from attending to the children I was completely preoccupied with my philosophy class assignments the rest of the day and late into the night.  It was the source of a little anxiety and an obstacle to doing anything else.  I was grateful for having the mental faculties to be able to make progress.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a  successful garage sale.  It was not only successful because we made some much needed extra funds, and not because we cleaned out a lot of clutter, but mainly because my wife and I never got into an argument.  I was worried at times because I had to take breaks and rest while she stayed out there.  But I took care of the boys and my mom had the girls and after the sale was done, I did the cleanup.

I was grateful for some help from my parents today.
I was grateful for the focus and energy to get things done.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had another period where I fell asleep very unexpectedly after feeding and getting the kids off to camp.  Fortunately it did not last long and my wife had given me a honey-do list which helped me get out and about.  This was especially good because I felt foggy and aimless until them.

I spent some time contemplating Hume's Enquiry of human understanding and his skeptical solution.  I have found studying this material to be deeply disturbing because it has caused me to examine the foundation of my beliefs too closely.  This gives me a grave sense of uncertainty even though I trust that in the end they will be stronger for it.  I have had to give extra consideration in my morning prayers for protection from cynical and self-centered skepticism and doubt.  One early unexpected benefit has been a better understanding of the need to pray for power to resist his error.  Thankfully in the summation today I read Hume's own reservations about excessive doubts and the futility of them.  I don't know what my final syllogism will be but I sense a great truth to come.

I had some financial fear over our shortfall this month.  This was another thought on my mind for which I had to give special consideration in prayer today. My wife and I had a productive discussion in which she helped me see that we will recover in a couple of weeks.

My wife was blessed with a little extra work today.  This meant that I had to do some extra running around for the kids and taking my son to therapy. My oldest had a bit of a meltdown in which I almost lost my cool and was temporarily confused about how to handle it.  Thankfully in the midst of dinner prep, attending to the girls, and returning to pick up my other son, I was able to sort out his exact wrongs and address it in an appropriate manner without being too heavy handed or too permissive.  He reluctantly complied and we were able to turn it around and have a good evening.

Once again we as a family watched the news reports about the famine in Somalia.  I believe that my children are really taking this to heart and seeing how blessed they are.  I know I am.

I got to play a new game of baseball target throwing with the boys today.  This helped me coax them into doing their practice drills.ssss

My wife and I worked together on preparation for a garage sale tomorrow.  Afterward she pointed out that we were able to get through it without arguing.  Lately I have begun to think that the our problematic interactions may be getting better.  I have been catching the times when I treat her poorly based on the baggage of the past.  I am also finding a lot more resilience against reacting to behavior that I don't like.  This seems synchronous to the paragraph I read from the twelve and twelve today about how we have to quit living by out selfish demands.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up at way too early so I decided to read the Online Daily Reflections.  When I went to the website I saw that it was no longer being published.

I thought about doing a daily reflection of my own, not for publication but for personal growth and sharing with sponsees.  I also don't mean my personal reflections but the part of selecting from the book.  The problem with this is the copyright issue.  But I guess if it is not an open website then it doesn't apply.

This month is step 7 month so I went to the chapter in the Twelve and Twelve and started at the end of the chapter and worked my way back in three paragraph size chunks back to what would be the reading for the 28th.  I read about humility as an act of the will.  this got me thinking about how we don't always have to be forced into humility by a failure but can grow in self awareness and catch our selves falling into self-centered fear before we act and ask God to restore us to sanity.

It kind of worked out that way for me this day as I fell into a deep crash after this morning's early rise.  I woke up in a sense of despair that I had fallen too far behind in the day to be productive.  But thankfully I was able to turn my attitude around and get a lot done both in homework and house work.

The kids got to go to the zoo at their camp today and had a lot to talk about.  My wife was working in the evening so I had to make dinner for the kids.  During this time I get a little overwhelmed and have to watch myself from barking at them too much.  During our dinner we watched a report on the evening news about the children starving in Somalia and their parents carrying them up to a hundred miles to aid camps.  We were able to discuss this and be grateful for what we have.

Thanks be to God.

Today I studied most of the morning and then took a test.  I also pulled out my fishing boat to clean and prepare it for sale.  I have regret and mixed feelings about selling it but we are in a financial shortage right now and I think that I must let it go.  I experienced uncertainty and fear at times but not too much anxiety.  Each time that I thought about it, I felt like I could ascertain God's will for me in this by either generating the shortfall by the end of the week or accepting the loss for now with trust that when the time is right that we will receive another boat.  I recognize now that what I fear is a permanent loss which is me depending on the limits of my scope of vision.  Not only that but we can't even afford to take fishing or boating trips and the maintenance that goes with them.

I thought some more about the culture of sobriety today.  I thought about the fact that I've always known that group support is important, but in discovering the human characteristic of proficiency, accomplishment, an development, through modeling, I have gained a much livelier sense of value for it.  I found myself contemplating and anticipating sharing this idea in a new perspective.

I was grateful to pass my test.

I was grateful to get to talk to a friend about sobriety.

I was grateful to watch baseball highlights with my sons.

I was grateful to spend time with my daughters riding their bikes.

I was grateful talking to my wife about philosophical ideals.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I fell into chaotic thinking when I woke up.  I realized that my thoughts were moving through various issues in my life, some current, some past, some future, and some relevant and some not.  I caught myself in this and recognized that fear had set in.  I didn't have the time or mental faculties to pray through all the particulars, but I made an effort none the less and got my thinking set aright.  Thanks be to God..

In my studies today I encountered two examples of the idea that experiential modeling is the most lively form of motivational force in behavioral learning.  One in the case of the Japanese Macaques and the other in Hume's Enquiry on Human Understanding.  The concept suddenly became very lively for me and I associated it with the phenomenon of the spiritual experience and the culture of sobriety.

I was grateful to get to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up very early with a brainstorm of thoughts.  I had to get out of bed and journal them which I've decided to move down below this review so that I can make sure and take my inventory.

We made it to mass on time this morning but not before a feud broke out between my oldest son and my wife.  He then had an outburst of defiance and threatened not to comply with our directives.  This began to escalate and I had an insecure and potentially critical moment when I almost got very angry and didn't know what to do.  I managed to stumble through it and throttle back and let his anger diffuse without over-punishing him and having a fit of rage.  He eventually did comply and only minimally expressed resentment afterward.  On the way to mass, I had to catch myself from getting anxious over the kids.  I seem to have been blessed lately with a new level of resilience there.  I was grateful for the resourcefulness to be able to systematically handle the issue with my son and the minor infractions at mass.  We had a behavior review afterward and the kids accepted there consequences so that we were able to go on and have a good day.

Today my wife and I had good communication with an especially productive discussion about how to handle their exposure to culture that we don't approve and how this affects them.  This after a Justin Bieber party for a six year old.

Today I felt like a person in recovery again and found my interest in it renewed.

I was most grateful for a sense of spiritual renewal today from mass.

Thanks be to God!

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We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...AGH!

Acceptance - Let go of my will and accept God's, "Thy will, not mine, be done."

Gratitude - Think not of how I wish it were better but, how grateful I am that its not worse.

Humility - Admit that I need God to come into my heart and restore me to sanity.

If this does not work, apply step four.

The Twelve Step program is a set of epiphanies and a therapeutic process to  change thinking, behavior, and character.  The first three steps are a set of 9 epiphanies, 3 for each step:

Addiction is a problem rooted in a contradiction of value motives.  Each area of life function has a motive force value, e.g home - 10, relationships - 10, job - 9, car - 8, health - 10 , hobbies - 9.  Chemical use or the illicit behavior (of a compulsion) has a motivational force value also.   If used normally, it is just another 1-10 number less than these and not supersede them i.e. 7.  

Perhaps one could take a snapshot of this much like an x-ray of cancer.  

One could assign a bottom line value for the number of times it takes for the behavior to interfere with life functions and that would equal the value of the life function.  For example if drinking 3 times a month will interfere with relationships then 3 = 10.  Then determine how many times one has drank per month on average for a time leading up to the intervention.  If it were 8 times then the value would be 30 which when compared in a ratio, 30/10 would show that degree of power of the motivational force over that of the life value.

This is why the twelve step program is so effective, because it provides a motivational force power. or "Higher Power" to counter that which is driven by years of learned, compulsive behavioral motivational force power.  Human will power is limited because the force needed to overcome them is difficult to achieve.

This evening I had a re-framing of the powerlessness part of step one.  I have always seen it as physical allergy, mental obsession, and mental blank spot.  But this to me never completely seemed right as mental blank spot seems as though it might actually be under mental obsession.  I also realized that the chronic progression isn't adequately included in that model.  Therefore I think it should be physical allergy, mental obsession, chronic progression.

Tonight I think I should admit that I am thinking about myself most of the time.  I'm not sure why I need to right about this, perhaps because I have not scrutinized it carefully enough.

This morning we had my son's cousin over having spent the night.  They were immediately playing video games.  I wasn't sure that I should stop them but I did anyway, though I couldn't bring to mind why.

At breakfast I was hesitant to pray with them but I brought it up anyway.  I asked my son's if they had said morning prayers, surprisingly they both said yes.  I didn't believe them but I felt that it would be somehow disrespectful to dispute this.  Looking back I realize that I was self conscious about it because their cousin was here and I had been having concerns about the values he expresses with my sons.

The issues I saw were concerning his interests in TV shows and video games.  The video games are too much, that's simple enough.  But, the TV shows required a little more thought.  I realize now that I have been screening these shows in my home as they reinforce attitudes that are crass, irreverent, and disrespectful.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of the nature of mental disorder as a conflict of the motives.  Especially when it comes to addictions, obsessions, and compulsions.  I thought that when the value ratio is chaotic that behavior becomes dysfunctional.

In reading Hume today I thought about how the main physical law of this universe is cause and effect.

This morning I thought of addcition as a power struggle, that is, a battle of motives.  In each case motives in the psyche struggle to achieve priority.  Each motive has a desire value that is increased or decreased according to learned knowledge, abstract perception, and sensational experience.  When the ratio is tipped in favor of the motive then it gains power to drive behavior.  This is counter balanced by the inhibition of the opposite or cautious motive.  In the case of addiction, the euphoria motive suddenly gains so much desire value that the ratio collapses completely and drives the behavior blindly.

This morning while trying to study, my mind was preoccupied wtih the idea of solving human problems by addressing the general to the specific.  I was thinking about this because my dad and I were talking about addressing problems with dog behavior yesterday.  We talked about how Cesar Milan describes dog owners as attributing dog behavior problems to individual personality first, breed second, and species third.  This again lead me to a connection in treating human behavior.  We should address problems at the human level first, the cultural(?) level second, and the personal level third.

This morning during prayer, I received three notable insights:

1. I thought of communion with God as my primary action before formative petition
2. I began to "feel" an attitude of love and forgiveness toward my wife
3. I thought of a better way to structure my prayers to make them more practical and less pedantic

At the breakfast table I suddenly felt assaulted when each kid seemed to do something wrong all at once: one kid started flinging water from his hands instead of using a towel, another was picking her chair with a fork, another left the table without finishing, another was speaking and spitting food, another was pushing on my chair to get by. I caught myself frenetically griping at them.  I had to catch it quick.  I settled them and we said a good morning prayer instead of grace.

Its a good thing that

This morning I took the kids to the park early before it got hot.  I took them because I planned to take them when I had a sense of direction earlier this week.  But this morning I felt tired, unmotivated, and not sure if it was necessary or beneficial.  I threw the baseball with them each in an unplanned and unstructured way.  I didn't have a great sense of having accomplished a proper workout but I was glad to have pressed myself through it.

Back at home I was exceptionally tired and took a nap.  I realized that I actually felt kind of ill.  I talked to my son who is getting over his stomach bug and I wondered out loud if I had it.  Then I wondered if this is the long term remnants of a lifetime of drinking and drugging.  If this was one of those "phantom hangovers" that I used to have.

After my nap I got a good amount of housekeeping done.   I also picked up a coaching book that I have during an interlude and I finally committed to memory the necessary basic framework of a good practice session.  I also listened to a little to the inspirational preacher that has been giving me a positive outlook lately.

Last night I had a dream about addictive behavior.  In the dream I was driving home from work in another city.  I was exhausted and seeking to unwind.  I thought about a social night ahead that involved partying and drinking.  I had a vague sense of guilt that I shouldn't but I thought that this was just a troublesome behavior that I should resist.  As I passed the city on the way home, I couldn't imagine going home and then coming back and rationalized that I should just detour to town and a bar.  On my way to a bar I passed an urban townhome complex where I had previously scored drugs and I rationalized that I should look up friends that I had partied with before.  I wandered into the complex aimlessly, not sure why I was there but definitely not going to score drugs, maybe not.  My old  using buddy joined alongside me walking down a long hall talking about his recent encounters with acquaintances as he often did.  At some point he mocked a friend who had given him an emotional account of his conversion to faith.  I separated from the friend and encountered a tall platinum blond woman.  I entered an elevator alone and entered into an internal dilemma in which I wanted to run away alternating with wanting to cop drugs.  The lights went off in the elevator and I frantically tried to find the buttons to get back to the ground floor and get off.  There was a dark figure in the elevator trying to convince me of something.  There door cracked opened but I was still trapped.  A twin of the tall platinum blond woman was outside also trying to convince me to do something.

I was very attention deficient in my prayers when I woke up but I got through them.

This evening I was resentful of my wife for griping excessively at my #1 son for getting on the computer without permission and banning him from it all weekend.  He was sick today so I had given him a little more slack than usual.  My idea of how he should be treated and how his discipline should be handled was threatened.  My idea of how she should communicate was threatened.  I lost my temper.  I was impatient and intolerant with her.  At present all I can think about is that I was defending my son and how I am sick of trying to communicate rationally with an irrational person.  I really need God's help with this one.

This morning my #1 son got sick like #2 did last night.  It was awful for him but I was able to help.  I was grateful that he and his little brother had a comfortable place to recuperate today.  I was grateful that my daughters were able to get to their camps.

I was able to do some reading, studying and a quiz today but by mid afternoon I was feeling ill.  I fell asleep late in the afternoon and had bizarre dreams.  I also felt ill in my sleep.

I got to listen to a recovery speaker recording from a local treatment center today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was a little late waking up again but again I got through my prayers.  Today however, I did get the kids started before my wife was out of the shower.  I bickered with her about her griping at the kids and having too short a fuse too early in the morning.  We had a problem with my #2 son who was groggy and refused to eat and wanted to stay home.  I got him there finally and on time.  The kids had a big event today, a field trip to the water park.  I regretted sending #2 as he ended up throwing up.  He did have a good time after that and spoke proudly of getting on the biggest ride.  Just as I sat down to do this journal I heard him whimpering in his bed.  He was contorted in a pool of vomit.  I felt terrible for the kid.

Today I got to talk to a friend in recovery.
Today I got to be lifted up by an inspirational speaker.
Today I got to make an impulse buy.
Today I got to fix a car problem.
Today I got to pass a test.
Today I got to hug my kids.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up groggy and struggled through prayers.  I was late getting up as I resolved to finish them. I was worried about not getting enough of my school work done and had to stop myself from thinking about it several times.  I was also remorseful about getting the kids to bed late last night and about getting into a big gripe with one of the kids and not having cleaned as well as I should.

My wife was resentful that I had still not woken the kids when she got out of the shower.  She ran out of the door and left my youngest daughter who is attending her class and told me to take her.  We walked out the door just as she was pulling out of the driveway.  I got resentful about it.

I fed the kids and took them to school.  We all got along great, I remembered to pray with them, and we made it on time.

I am grateful to have been blessed with studious initiative today and got through both chapters.  I feel ready for tomorrow's test.

At lunch my wife and I got into a discussion about a topic of abnormal behavior.  She ended up calling me a bigot. I was very hurt and offended. For some reason I decided to look up the word.  I was surprised to find that it actually has a broader scope of meaning than I thought.  It actually filled a conceptual need that has been perplexing me.  Something good came out of it.

I had a good evening with the children, we practiced ball, we watched hummingbirds in the back yard, we watched an episode of Nova about cuttlefish and we stayed on schedule, cleaned, and got to bed on time.

I have to resist a critical spirit with my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Today we had a nice family trip to my son's all star tournament game in another city.  I had to watch myself not to get too impatient with everyone to get going on time.

On the way there I rudely interrupted my wife as she started to tell me about her troubles putting air in a low tire this week.  I have grown impatient with her insistence that all the air machines around are defective when she just has trouble using them.  I tried just to drop it as the point was that she got it fixed but she insisted on prodding me into an argument with her.  I should have exercised more tact in confronting her denial.

At the ball game I was able to keep a good attitude over the situation of my son seeing limited playing time.  I realized just how much of my resentment last week was based on selfish pride.  My son had a great time and he got to play a little.

This evening my son and I did some yard work.  I was alone with the kids and practiced ball with my younger son.

I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting last night.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up with a clear mind and a sense of clear focus in prayer.  After dropping off the kids and doing some house cleaning I decided to sit down and revise them per the insight I received.  I also decided to revise my blog layout thinking that the evening review quote and statement are redundant and space consuming.   Perhaps I will add them to my profile.

I thought this morning about the topic of having fun in sobriety.   This came while I was praying for God to restore my sense of natural joy in life.  I thought about how we newly sober are baffled with how we are possibly going to have fun now without drink or without the ability to experience joy.  I think we then set about to try and recreate a sober society that emulates that which we new but ultimately breaks down as people fall off or move on.  I think the real answer is to let people know that with time, prayerful healing, and re-engaging in activities that the ability to enjoy life will be restored and thus fun will start to come from within.

This Sunday morning I woke up from a nightmare.  I was my very young self and was smoking crack.  I took a hit and then gave some to my #2 son.  After he inhaled it, I snapped to reality and went into a panic.  I wanted to suck the smoke out of him and reverse the effects.  I felt absolutely horrible, perhaps the most remorseful and painfully tragic feelings I have ever felt about myself and what I had done to him.  When I woke up, I had an incredible sense of relief and I went and hugged him tightly when he woke up.  Thanks be to God that was only a dream.

I had to rush off with my older son to his baseball tournament.  I was at once both excited and worried as I wanted to boys to win but I didn't want them to play 5 games today.  I had to ponder the wisdom and safety of this all day.  I also had to ponder the fact that we would be missing mass.  We watched it on television as we got ready.

Thankfully the team lost their first game and therefore didn't have to play anymore.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with family.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting at my home group.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a  good day and got a lot of things done.  I thought a lot today about the basic principles of behavior and behavior management and modification.

My mother provided a wonderful gift of some cash to help with my son's all star baseball team expenses.  Thanks be to God.

This afternoon I screwed up and forgot son #2's occupational therapy session.  I knew about it and it was on my schedule but when the time came I got distracted and forgot.  I told my wife and she chewed me out.  I told my son and he really wanted to go so I rushed him up there late.  I was grateful that his therapist worked with him for 25 minutes.  My wife chewed me out again and we were rushed getting off to my other son's baseball game.

At the game my son played in the outfield.  He had a good game, making it on base twice and running well and fielding well.  He made some minor mistakes but over all did well.  Thanks be to God.

I sense some resentment that the pitcher tonight is not as good as him and the coaches haven't looked at my son as a pitcher.  I also find myself a little resentful that the coaches who are helping at practice are having their son's prioritized. I also was troubled by my dad's attitudes towards the other people at the games who don't meet his expectations or cross his path.  I am afraid that he is going to offend people or get into a fight.  I also resented my dad griping and nagging my son for his minor mistakes.

Back at home I griped harshly at my wife when she was nagging the kids.

Lord Jesus Christ, only son of God, please forgive me a poor sinner.

This Saturday morning I woke up from some long dreams in which I was drinking and smoking cigarettes.  Throughout these dreams I felt upset and remorseful that I was throwing away all that is truly valuable in life that I have been so blessed to receive in sobriety.  

It was an incredibly busy day with two tournament baseball games during the day. 

I had to navigate some touchy issues with my dad and his attitudes at the games.  He makes critical, rude, derisive, and even racist comments out loud.  At one point when he was criticizing a coach, I had to bark back at him assertively (aggresively?) in defense of the coach.  He was saying these things right in front of the other coach's wife.  I was also concerned at the way he griped at my mother when she asked him not to use a epithet. 

I pray for patience and acceptance that God will handle this in his time, and by his will.

I caught myself in a great deal of disappointment when the games did not end well and kids made mistakes.  I had to get things, no myself in perspective.

I tried to be supportive to my son.

This Sunday our priest gave a sermon on the basic principle of trust in God.

The past few days I have had a great deal of fear of losing my home and things that I value.

Yesterday I griped at my wife about the direction that we are on and her decisions that put us in this position.  I immediately felt remorseful and thought that perhaps I had fallen back to a position that I don't actually hold any longer.   In thinking about how my wife coerced me back into school, I thought about incredibly valuable, in fact, priceless my new education is to me.  I thought about how indebted I am to her for everything good in my life including my home, kids, and past career success.

I owe her an apology.

Today I was afraid of not having books for my class.  At class I found myself easily able to keep up and not missing too much from not having the book.

After class I found renewed optimism in my current direction in life.  Some human behavior concepts clicked for me and I sort of sensed the scope and depth of my education.  Suddenly the career horizon seemed immensely more expansive.  I felt exceedingly motivated.

I've been thinking about a characteristic of perception of depth.  That good judgement depends on depth of focus.  One must be able to adjust between micro and macro focus when assessing behavior or other problems.

I was very happy to figure out how to check out my textbook online this afternoon and to get an ebook trial to see the first chapter.

I got to take my son to all-star team practice today.  He had trouble fielding grounders showing some fear to get down on hot ones.  I resolved to have a talk with him about this.  But, on his last one he stayed in front of the ball and took it in the chest on a hop.  He showed no fear nor complaint.  I couldn't have been prouder of him for correcting his mistakes himself.  He is a better man than me.

Thanks be to God for this glorious day.

This morning I woke up very groggy and stumbled my way through prayers.  After kid drop offs I tended to some tasks that have been long overdue.  I had moments of fear and low self-esteem over my current status as an unemployed student.  But, I turned my trust to God and called a friend to talk.

In the afternoon I got to practice baseball with my 6 yr old.

In the evening I found out that I got all A's except for math.  I saw that there are three job postings near me.  I caught myself griping at the kids a little too much tonight, especially my oldest.    I took the kids out to the back yard tent for prayers before bed.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I had a little trouble waking and resolved to get to bed earlier.  Nevertheless I did get a decent start with prayer for character development.

I got some effective work done on my ethics final done and received a good grade on my addictions presentation.  I did however fell some disappointment that I can't put in the time and focus to achieve the quality of work that I would like.  I chose to practice acceptance and gratitude for the quality of work that I DO get to achieve.  I also thought about how well I am able to work on subjects in the scope of my interest and motivation as opposed to those that I am not passionate about.  I experienced flow in working on my papers.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.  It was a meeting downtown, one block away from the capital.  It was a place that I desired to go in the 2 years that I worked downtown but never made because it was just a little too far away to walk and be back on time to work.  I was glad that I kept this duty and that I was able to support the group that I did during that time.

The meeting is in a very nice room, in a nice setting, with a great group of people.  It was also a nice walk three blocks from school.  The daily reflection was read on step five (confession to a fellow) and then a topic on the evening review with an emphasis on tolerance.  I didn't really like the fact that there seemed to be two topics.  Thinking back to it now, I bet it came out of a member request.   I thought about how step 5 is related to the first part of the second step.  I should make this an entry in spiritus contra spiritum.  Going to this meeting was a wonderful experience and I look forward to attending again.

I got talk to a friend about resentments and tolerance in the afternoon.

I got to do some yard work and play ball with the kids outside in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we had two little league games and my oldest son had a music memory contest.  I was grateful for my wife's effort to get him to his game in time to play two innings.  He got to pitch 2 innings and he got to bat once.  He did a good job but had to pitch his way out of trouble a couple of times.  I was proud of him for hanging in and keeping his cool.  I was also proud of him for being understanding of his teammates when they made mistakes that resulted in losing the game.   I too had to resist an intolerant attitude.  I had to practice some acceptance in having to spread attention between two games and all three activities and not being able to help or attend the ball park barbecue event.

In the evening  I got to go to a meeting.  Our topic reading started on page 125, "Most alcoholics are enthusiasts.  They run  to extremes..."  Most people talked about financial troubles and resentful families, or how they have to completely dedicate themselves to their recovery activities.    I thought about how when I first took the steps I was enthusiastic about the program and in time my wife was resentful and felt neglected by me.  After a steady progression of emotional recovery I eventually backslid into deep resentment and relapsed.  :Later in looking back at what happened, I can see that I became enthusiastic about my hobbies of fishing and billiards, my personal spiritual activities decreased as my hobbies increased and my resentments blew up.  Concurrently, my self-righteousness and intolerance rose to extremes.

But I didn't realize this right away when I came back from relapse.  It was only after a good deal of time that I was able to see what went wrong.  I didn't recognize that my "enthusi-ism" and extremism (over non-drinking activities) was just as bad as my extreme and enthusiastic drinking/using was.

The answers came from vigilance in personal inventory, prayer and an attitude of self sacrifice at home. I exerted myself in those areas and put my personal wants on hold, one day at a time.  It wasn't any easier to swallow than the first time and I experienced some discontent.   But in time the basis of my wants changed and I became filled with enthusiasm for family, faith, and fellowship.  My "content-ment" shifted and I began to see the nature of my problem.  Over enthusiasm and extremism are forms of emotional insobriety.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and my mental state during prayer was a lot more coherent.

Today I was preoccupied with a final and a book report all morning.  I worried that I would not get them done.  Eventually I did but I had to accept that they would not be done as well as I would like.

I haven't written an evening review in 2 weeks and a lot has happened during that time.  I may go back and fill in the events that were spiritually significant.

Tonight my son had a baseball game.  I was proud of him for playing well but even more so for keeping his composure even though his team lost badly.  I was also proud of my other son (the autistic one) for his social interaction with other children during the game.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a thought about love.  I thought about how true love is not just a feeling but an act of the will. I thought back to the ideas that there are 3 parts to love and that there are different types of love.  In Sternberg's triangular theory of love the three parts are commitment, intimacy, and passion.  The "feeling" part is the passion of romantic attraction.  But this doesn't work well for other types of love such as brotherly love or charitable love or motherly love.  But it does if the primary triangle is commitment, intimacy, and other types of passion or strong feelings. And this passion can be cultivated through willing oneself to practice commitment and intimacy.

This morning I chose to pray.  I prayed for a connection to God and for the power to behave according to his will and law.  I chose to live a life of good relationships and improvements to the lives of others.

At the learning lab I chose to set aside web browsing and do a few math problems.  In between classes I chose to turn away from sexual arousal and turn toward the valuation of life.

In class I chose to subside my elevated defensiveness when I heard my professor mis-characterize the position of pro-life organizations.

At times I had to choose to set aside my fears about the papers, tests, and math problems that I have coming up.  Furthermore I had to turn my attitude toward the idea that they will get done and be adequate even if they are not as elaborate or I am not as prepared as I would like to be.  I must choose not to anxietize myself over what has not yet happened.

When I returned home I chose to face the discussion that my wife and I needed to have about my son missing a ball game to participate in the Music Memory contest.  I had to set aside my ideas about how she would communicate with me.   Furthermore I had to strive to valuate her needs and resist villifying her as a threat to my ideas about my son's needs.

In writing this journal I chose to look at the present first rather than revisiting the past 2 weeks of not reviewing.  I may yet look back at them but only if today's business is done.

Thanks be to God for the power to choose.

The past few days I have been thinking about factors in the addiction treatment.  Our textbook lists some but they all appear to be external or secondary.  I believe the primary factors to be in the area of self regulation.  Namely impulse control, illicit values, hyper hedonism, self-serving bias, etc.

Yesterday in thinking about what to talk to my son's little league team about mistakes could be game changers I thought of three distinct types.  The plays they could make, the plays they ought to make, and the plays they should make.

This morning I was grateful to get the kids going and get to mass on time.  I believe that I made an effective communion with the LORD.   Our readings were about spiritual blindness and the light of God.

This afternoon I really enjoyed attending a birthday party with my son for one of his teammates.

I managed to get the yard cleaned up this weekend and get all the leaves out to the curb for pick up.  It was hard work.

I didn't get any math work done.  I have been very worried about this but yesterday I was able to recognize my fear as lack of faith.   I hope to return to that faith now.

I got to talk to a guy today about his troubles.  I believe that he is a person moving toward recovery.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Saturday morning we had a baseball game at 9:00 am and then another at noon.  After the first game and post game meetings and such we gathered ourselves in front of the concessions and tried to determine our course of action amidst the chaos of kids chattering and parents reacting.  My wife decided that we needed to go eat at a restaurant.   I suggested that we eat at the concession stands.  At the restaurant we enjoyed ourselves some but we also bickered over kids not wanting to eat.  I got resentful because my instincts had told me that the kids didn't really like this food but my wife can't accept it.

My older son's team lost.  He pitched a great game and hit well also.  His team also hit well but the other team made great infield plays that prevented us from scoring.

This Friday I found myself worrying about a multitude of things all at once.  It was around 10:30 am just at the time of day when I am typically in my most attuned state of mind.   I was worried about staying on task.  I was anxious about math homework.  I was worried about the presentation paper that I must write.   I was worried about not doing 12 step work.  I was worried about making appointments and getting important tasks done this day.  I was worried about making the wrong choice and stopping at the thrift store.  I was worried about scheduling and the Knights of Columbus wives dinner on Sunday night.  I was worried about being isolated due to having to care for my kids.  I was worried about preparing for baseball games this weekend.  I was worried about my house being a mess and the yard work that needs to be done and bulky pick up that needs to be put out and the cars need to be washed and whether or not the bank would let me make a withdrawal, etc.

I am not sure if these are all the things that I was worried about but I wanted to make a special effort to remember this because I struggle to think of true feelings to review in my evening reviews.  Lately it seems that I have just been journaling events of the day rather than my true states of mind or spirit.

I got to have a wonderful lunch at a restaurant with my daughter on her insistence.  She saw a restaurant patio and said "Daddy I wan't to eat I am hungry.  I want to eat at a pink restaurant like that one."  I found a Mexican restaurant that suited her because it had some pink in the decor and she liked the palm trees.  We had a nice Lenten lunch of cheese enchiladas and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I got to go to a meeting in the evening.  We talked about the second half o step twelve.  As usual I was on good track with my thoughts but when I shared I got side tracked a little and was disappointed.  But it kept me thinking about the application of the work in all areas of my life.

I had a discussion with a guy after the meeting that really got me thinking about taking spiritual initiative and the spiritual lead in couples relationships.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in Counseling Theories class we got to talk more about transactional analysis which I found very interesting.

I got almost nothing done in math as I started a new chapter.  I was heavily distracted and had math nausea.

At noon I went to the 12 step meeting.  The attendees decided to have a study session for our addictions class instead.  I had mixed feelings about this but since the meeting is not affiliated with any 12 step fellowship there are no traditions to cite as binding.  One girl said she was shaky and wished for a meeting.  But this was quickly drowned in the chaotic study group.  I just sat and listened mostly as I was unprepared for the test.  I also noticed that I had a type of anxiety that I experience when many voices are speaking at once in a group.

I believe that I did well on the test.

In the afternoon I cleaned up a section of the yard for a garden for my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a very busy morning.  I thought some about guarding my thought life and watching for slips in allowing the impulsive motives to linger.

I spent 30 minutes on one math problem in the morning but completed the first chapter for the week in the afternoon.

In the evening my son had a baseball game.  His steam was short a player and there was a couple of times that this affected there performance.  There were also two players that did not show up.  The boys made some great plays as did the other team.  It was a thriller in the end with some baserunners thrown out from the outfield. At one point my son got thrown out at second on a great play by the other team.  He cried when he got to the bench.  I was actually proud of his passion rather than worried about his hurt feelings.  I let his team mates give him encouragement as I had seen him give them earlier in the game for their mistakes.  He got to pitch the last inning and did very well.  The game ended tied.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass.  Our Gospel reading today was the account of the transfiguration of Jesus.  My wife and I spoke about this late last night in preparation for her leading of the children's ministry today.  I thought of how this event signaled a number of faith transformations.  The transformation of how Jesus was understood, that he would no longer be viewed as simply a prophet, healer, or social reformer.  That the God of Abraham would no longer be just for the chosen people but for all men.  That mankind would evolve from faith based on earning favor through law abidance and sacrificial offerings, to faith based on love of God and man.  That faith would be based on transformation rather than transaction.

My younger son got to carry the Bible in the procession of the children to their liturgy.  I ran into the Grand Knight of the KOFC and sheepishly apologized for not participating in the golf tournament.  He asked me to attend the officers meeting tomorrow night.

I listened to a sermon about the Gospel and heard mention of the psychological concept of the peak experience.   I recalled that I had heard about this before and equated it to the "spiritual experience" in the AA Big Book.  This is the feeling of epiphany on has when they experience a trans-formative event in their lives.  I read about it mostly from Maslow but also from Flow psychology.  The psychologists seek to naturalize what was previously thought of as a religious experience.  I thought of this as simply an objective description of a spiritual, religious experience that is a natural process.  I had a peak experience today with the Gospel.  This had a trans-formative effect on me.

In the afternoon I got to take my son to baseball practice.  We enjoyed working together, I got to pitch in the batting cage.  The coach worked with the pitchers, having them take turn pitching to live batters.  My son got to play catcher, bat and pitch.  He did well, probably best at all positions.  The coach talked alot about pitching issues. He said my son pitched best of them all, although he still doesn't seem to have faith in him.  We also got to talk about next year when the boys move up.  I was pleased to hear that he will probably be coaching again.

Back at home after the kids went to bed I did the last of my math homework that was overdue.  It was difficult and frustrating at times but I finally got it done.  I felt afraid and I wanted to give up.  Our instructor sent an email around the time I was finishing up informing us that we are officially half way through.  I am officially caught up also.  I looked at my overall grade so far and was pleasantly surprised.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I remembered again that I was having a using dream last night.  I have thought about and intended to write about this all week but have not had time or neglected this practice.  As a matter of priority when I sat down this morning to write I reviewed yesterday first.

When I woke up from the dream, I recognized that I had no significant recollection of the circumstances in the dream.  I just remembered that I was using.  In the dreams that I had this week I noticed an extraordinary difference from the using dreams that I usually have.  In each dream the only thing I was aware of was the part where I was high.  This is the exact opposite of most using dreams.  In most of these dreams I remember wanting, trying, preparing, and chasing the high.  But, I rarely remember actually getting high.  Sometimes I do remember it but it is only a small part of the dream.  I have some more thoughts about this but must get back to my school work.

Today I experienced something I had forgotten about.  I found that I had huge memory gaps in the factoring problems I was working on.  It seems that my shift last night back thinking about intra-personal logical concepts somehow affected my retention of the math lessons I worked on the past couple of days.

This Friday morning I didn't get us back on schedule as I had planned.  In fact, I woke up later than the rest of the week.

I had to make a decision after breakfast as whether to go on a Spring Break outing with my family or to stay home and do school work  It was a chaotic morning in which I fluctuated back and forth and we argued about where to go.  Eventually we decided to go to a nearby town to a river park.

While on our outing I had several instances of impatience and irritability with my children.  In each of these cases the kids needed authoritative control or correction.  They were either being rambunctious, demanding, or in potential danger.   But, in each case I overreacted.  I griped, shouted, or tugged them excessively.  This is something that I loath when I see another parent doing it in public and I was that parent at times.

Overall we did have a good time and as my wife advised me it is a critical part of the children's development.  I am grateful that we got to spend the day together at the park.

When I came home I was disappointed that I am further behind in math than all semester as I still have not completed the assignments that were due on Monday. Paradoxically, since we do not have assignments due this coming Monday (for Spring Break) I will be back on schedule.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  When I started out I had reservations and thought about how I could get more done at home.  But I went as a matter of schedule.  I found myself feeling uptight and out of sync away from home.  I thought about how I needed the alone time whether I felt it or not.  At a point after a short prayer I felt a sigh of decompression come over me.  It was just as the intuition had struck me.  I had a long thought, perhaps a share, about my need for active recovery and a spiritual program.

Our meeting topic was staying on the beam and keeping up our spiritual program of action.  It was just the thing I had thought about on the way. Our meeting size was smaller than usual and there was some silence before two of us chimed in.  I got to share second.

Thanks be to God.