Last night I had a using dream followed by several panick dreams. There was a dark, lanky figure in a blurry, surreal landscape in the dreams.

Today I had a random thought aout remembering where I came from. I sometimes hear and hav sometimes said that going to meetings and working with others reminds me of where I came from. I think a more important experience is that these activities keep me current with what I am.

I think that I can misinterpret being recovered as not being what I once was.

Today I didn't have any great disturbances. I had a productive day at work and I won at table tennis. I came back in a game from 16 to 4. When I came home I took my son to religious ed. and felt a great sense of belonging at the church. I took him to the park and practiced baseball afterward. Back at home I gave him a bath and I read a book with the kids and we watched a baseball game.

I talked to my sponsor this afternoon but I forgot to tell him about the using dream.

Last night I didn't do an evening review for unavoidable, good reasons. Last night I had nightmares of evil, vicious crocodiles. I thought about how life will inevitably throw spiritual disturbances at people, even those with a good spiritual life.

This morning I had a hard time with the boys at church. When I came home I was compelled to execute discipline with them. I resolved to give them consequences without anger. I thought about how this should be a cause and effect matter.

This afternoon my wife slept a long time so today I was alone with the kids a lot. By the evening I had deteriorated to griping at them. It wasn't too bad but they wore me down.

I watched a movie with my son during nap time.

I watched a baseball game with him in the evening.

This post for 3/29/08.

This morning I got up early and resolved to get to our 10:30 baseball game on time. All went well until I took a nap because we were so far ahead. I woke up disoriented and got mixed up about the time. We got out of the house on time but in a frenzied rush. I had to take a deep breath of spirit and release my anger and remorse.

It was a very exciting game with several ups and downs. The boys started well then made mistakes then rallied. The other team also had to rally a couple of times. In the end they came out ahead.

Afterward we coaches spent a lot of time discussing what went wrong. There was some talk of areas for our players to improve on and there was some talk about how the other team's coach was running his players all the time. There were some things said about the other coaches integrity and about adopting the same strategy and about "next time".

I have some thoughts about this:
We should stick to the high road of teaching our kids the game and good sportsmanship.
We should use a proactive strategy and not react to other people.
We should discipline the boys by cause and effect not griping, pleding and negotiating.
We should create a positive experience for them based on their execution of skills not on the scoreboard.

The rest of the day I did a lot of yard work.

Today I thought about some practical terms for the spiritual experience:

Cause and Effect
Power
Guidance and Direction

At the noon meeting there was a guy who looked defiant and was court ordered. It was his first meeting.

We were finishing step two and I was thinking about how I might focus my share on why I needed to even consider this step in the first place rather than just share on the concept of a higher power. When my turn in the reading rotation came we were on the paragraph obn the last page that summarizes why we needed to look at this step in the first place.

I lost badly at table tennis today, I was just not able to focus well. On my way home I sensed that I was letting this get me down. I thought about my excessive competitive nature and I asked God to remove my ill will. I resolve to get my chin up and remember that I will have better days. This may not seem important but it later it proved to be meaningful.

My son had a baseball game this evening. The other team's coaches really seemed to have it together more. They came up to bat and their kids seemed to all be huge and coordinated and several hit the ball and our guys made mistakes and they scored four runs in the first inning.

I thought "Oh know here we go, they are going to beat bad". I sensed that the other coaches were thinking the same think. When the inning ended I felt us all take a deep breath and we talked to our kids and alll resolved to keep our chin up.

My son was the second up to bat and he struck out. In the next inning he struck out again. I watched him in the dugout to see if he was getting down and he seemed ok. I was thankful that I have encourged him to do well and have fun rather than harang him when he fails. As I coached him on the field I saw that he was tired and distracted. I realized it just wasn't his day. I encouraged him to keep his chin up.

On his next at bat I looked up momentarily and prayed taht he would get a hit. He got down two strikes. He looked nervous. On the fifth pitch he hit the ball and drove in a run. I was the first base coached so I told him "see what happens when you keep your chin up".

Our team maxed out runs in three innings and won 15 to 7.

This morning I was very tired and late but i found time for prayer and meditation. I made it to work 5 minutes early.

I carried the message today by going to a meeting at lunch and by posting in an online meeting. I had a some thoughts today about sticking to the practical application of spirituality in the program.

I met a deadline at work to write a post describing myself for the team forum. Afterward several of my peers took the step to get in their posts.

I kept up with the workload, met my responsibilities and had time for table tennis.
I lost one game and won another.

This evening my wife and I and the kids went outside after dinner and rode bikes. My 3 year old learned to peddle his tricycle and I got the bike I found on bulky pickup fixed.

Tonight I watched a southpark episode out of the blue and it happened to be an episode about an addiction craze called "cheesing".

I didn't think I had anything to write for inventory but thought I could start by checking to see if I worked my program. I reviewed a day to be grateful for.

I go to sleep with a full and thankful heart.

Today was a good day, I didn't get angry, dishonest or afraid.

I had good initiative at work today and I acted on a commitment.
I got to go to a meeting at noon and share about step two.
I got to take my kid to baseball practice.

I was thinking about is lucky #7 and I thought about how lucky we are. We are in the middle of a mortgage crisis where many people are losing their homes. I was out of work at this time last year and in a lot of fear. I don't make aenough money but the bills get paid.

I am grateful for our home and our livelyhood.
Thank you God.

This morning in meditation I thought about Faith = belief + trust + action.
Circumstances and fellowship illumination my belief.
Contemplation and reason enabled me to trust in that belief.
Action vitalizes that belief, action brings my belief to life and makes it a practical application of Faith.

It was beautiful Easter Sunday morning.

We got off to church early and when we arrived I was apprehensive of being too early. Bobby ran ahead of me around the corner to the entrance of the Church and when I came around Fr. James had caught him in his arms. Fr. Oliver, retired from St. Catherine's was our celebrant.

I got angry at Christie for not finishing the job of cleaning the house for our Easter dinner. I had to clean when I came home from Church.

I got angry at Christie for not finishing the job of shopping last night for our Easter dinner. I had to run to the only store open and buy several items, it was very crowded.

I thought about how these are the same things that I always get angry for at her. I thought about how this is the cross I have to bear. I thought of how peace of mind can be resurrected at any time if I just forgive. I made amends to her for being angry.

We had a great Easter dinner and I got to say grace. Mom, Dad, David and his girlfriend Ruby joined our family. I grilled up a little feast. In the afternoon we cracked cascarones and the kids had an Easter andy hunt (Christie didn't have eggs).

In the evening I watched a movie called "In the Beginning". I saw the story of Joseph who was sold to slavery by his brothers but in the end forgave them. This was such a powerful story of forgiveness that I had never understood before. I saw the lesson that one can forgive others no matter how grevious the offense only if one focuses on the will of God and sees that sin is an illness.

This morning we got outside early. I cleaned up the garage and did yard work in preparation for Easter SUnday dinner tomorrow here at our home. I was pretty tired by afternoon and took a short nap while Christie and Bobby went to Stepping Stones.

Today was the 5th Birthday Party for Stepping Stones. I wished i could have helped more but we have our hands full with our family. I went there a little after 5 o'clock, Christie took Ivan and Eva around 4:30. Everyone was havin a great time eating barbecue, playing horseshoes, washers, badminton, and volleyball.

There were lots of folks I hadn't seen in a while and I felt sociable within a short time. A couple of times I got to talk to people who are struggling or that have family members struggling. I got to share a story about my struggles when our group got started.

The posterboard we made up a few years back was on the wall and it had the original yellow flyer for the first meeting. The original phone list was on the wall also and I noticed that it had my name on it. The funny thing about it was that I was not sober at the time it was made. I had been relapsing for a few months when it was made. I had tried to come back in several times and just could not stay clean. It got to the point where I was too ashamed and proud to come back to the same meetings.

my wife however kept working her program and stayed involved in the fellowship. One day I saw the bright yellow flyer for a new meeting on our table. I thought that no one would know me at that meeting so I could go try and get sober there.

When I got to the door the meeting was already getting started. I looked in and it was all the people I did not want to see me and I froze. Someone saw and welcomed me in. As I walked across the room my legs felt like rubber. I did not feel sociable at all and many people were greeting me. I stayed sober for 6 months again and relapsed one more time and then got sober and stayed sober. I am 4 1/2 years sober now and Stepping Stones is 5 years old. This group is a great part of my recovery.

Tonight I got angry at my wife for waiting until 8 o'clock to feed the kids.

After dinner and baths we watched the Holy Sunday mass from the National Shrine. During the rite of renewal of baptism I lit one of the baptismal candles and we renewed our baptismal vows together as a family.

As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from divine help.

The great alternative is that with Divine Help I am 100% hope full. That means that I can have the same outlook in life that I would have had if my condition had never happened.

Tonight at the meeting we read the story Gratitude In Action. There were some very synchronous moments for several people in the room. Martinez who is the speaker for tomorrow's Birthday Celebration read:
I believe it would be good to tell the story of my life...

In the middle of the story a paragraph started with:
On Easter weekend 1944...
This weekend is Easter weekend.

The story spoke of starting a new meeting.
The story told of how important geting the Big Book was for him.
The story told of not having much work but of getting work through the fellowship.

The rotation of reading ended on me. I got to read the following:
Today I have found again the home I left and the woman I married when she was still so young. We have two more children and they think there dad is an important man. I have all these wonderful things-people who mean more to me than anything in the world. I shall keep all that, and I won't have to drink, if I remember one simple thing: to keep my hand in the hand of God.

AMEN!

Today is Holy Thursday. I regret that I didn't make a greater effort to observe the masses of the Easter Triduum.

At noon I went to the Central Group meeting. We read the last two pages of step one and all of Tradition One. The tradition was just too relevant to what happened last Friday. It didn't matter whether I was right or the other guy was right. What matters is that I let it go and don't try to control teh conscience of teh group or what people think. I don't have to try and change anything or to get on a soapbox or influence people one on one. I just have to continue to be a good member of the group and do my own program. Our unity comes from personal recovery and group purpose.

This morning I thought of my old way of life as my old world view. It was not just my old way of living that was the problem but the vacancy of life as I used to see it. My outlook used to be that life's a bitch and then you die. Today life is a dance if you just take the steps.

Today i found out that my water heater has a poor design and we can't get the part to repair it until we apply for benefits of a class action lawsuit. That means we have no hot water for weeks or buy a new water heater. I tried rigging up a part that I bought that doesn't fit and it worked long enough for us all to take a warm shower.

Before that we all went to the park and had a great time on the first day of spring.

Today I had a good day at work.

I handled a prospect call in the early part of the morning that took a long time. I hope that this helps our company but I mostly just need to focus on the principle of being helpful rather than relying on a return from this one event. Perhaps I should also take this attitude when speaking to them.

Despite a long setback and a large volume of work I was able to keep up.

I went to the noon meeting and we read out of More about alcoholism. We read about insanity and the jaywalker. I shared simply and concisely.

Tonight my wife was very irritable.

I must take my own inventory.

Our water heater is broken so must take a cold shower.

Today at the noon meeting we read from More about Alcoholism.

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

I believe this description should be called "The Great Delusion".

Tonight I watched an episode of intervention. It was a particularly touching story of a hispanic family with an alcoholic member. He had brothers and sistsres and a mother who were very proud people. During the pre-intervention the older of the brothers was very tough and refused to agree to go to any lengths for help. During the intervention they all broke down in their plea to him to get help.

I couldn't believe the depth of the man's delusion. He had sores on his side and was a pathetic underweight shell of his former self. Yet he thought he did no have a problem. He thought he only had a couple of drinks at a time and that he didn't drink every day.

The family was steadfast when he refused treatment and they stuck to there boundaries. But the intervention was most dramatic when the older brother said man, we are begging you to go.

He finally went but was kicked out after 30 days. He relapsed a short time later and then had esophageal bleeding due to cirrohis of the liver. He died.

Today I talked about how it was the description of this delusion that helped me to understand that I was truly alcoholic. This message kept me from a progressing to the worse bottoms they lay ahead for me.

It was a good day, I stayed busy at work and didn't get too far behind. Today I thought of Saint Patrick's day in a completely different light and when people talked about it I worked in the real meaning of the holiday.

When I came home I practiced ball with my son.

I am truly grateful today for my recovery.

I woke up early enough for prayer, meditation, review and breakfast. We made it to Church on time, this morning was Palm Sunday. We did the Mass of the Passion of our Lord.

This afternoon my son and I went to the park and did batting practice. He had trouble hitting the ball again but by the last to rounds he was hitting about 60%. I had a lot of fun with him and when we were walking back to the truck he told me that he felt lucky to have me for a Dad because I have fun with him. He said he also was happy that he has his grandfather who paid for his baseball stuff. This is the second time he has told me that recently.

When we got back my son saw his friend across the street and invited him to play. The two boys rode bikes together for hours.

I called my friend who called me last night but I had to leave him a message.

This afternoon I watched the atheist's TV program and there's just too much I could write about that.

For 3/15/08

Today I was alone with the kids for the early part of the morning while my wife did a garage sale with a friend at the friend's house. I had to set aside my plans anytime I saw myself forming ideas that I wanted to do something that wasn't direct maintenance of the kids.

The morning went well until the 3 year old had a pee accident in the kitchen. I had just had him sit on his potty so I was angry at him. I went around for a while repeatedly scolding him. I had an ongoing thought of myself as a looming oppressive figure over him. I had to catch myself and stop it from going on too long. I had to discipline him without anger. I had to make amends by showing him love.

The rest of the day went well, I had some minor resentment to my wife's involvement in the garage sale but I tried not to be.

I took my son to his scrimmage in the afternoon. He did fairly well, hitting the ball a few times, running the bases, then making some stops in the field. I made a mistake as first base coach and had to shrug off too much regret inside. - fear

I need to watch my anger when my son and I are getting ready for practices and games.

I got a call from a guy who moved away to another state. He said he had been sober for just over a year and he was doing ok still. He thanked me for the help I gave him in getting sober.

In the evening the baby fell off the bed and I got very worried about her. She appeared ok but she cried for 3 hours. I was irritable and fell asleep.

This morning during prayer I had some thoughts about my will.

My decisions = motives > plans > actions
I pray that I make decisions based upon spiritual principles not pleasure principles.
I pray that I not rationalize my will over God's will.

Last night I watched a program about emporer Constantine. This morning I thought that I am proud to say I am Roman Catholic (as opposed to Eastern Orthodox) because I am part of Christ's construction of Western Civilization.

Last night I thought about teaching my 1st son to be the leader of his siblings. My first son is the child for whom I am learning to be a father. The others get the benefit of experience. So my thought came from putting extra effort into his formation and from teh acceptance of the fact that we have made and will make the most mistakes with him. The acceptance came from the idea that he will be stronger for it. The inspiration came to teach him leadership and responsibility for his siblings an in that way give him added reason to be a better man.

This morning during meditation it the thought came that I should take the leadership role for my siblings. That I should place myself in my father's heart and be inspired to lead my sister and brother. I should do this by regular contact and love. Not by coercion or prodding. I should call then regularly and just talk about things and let the spirit guide us into the things that need to be talked about.

The Keystone
He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 62

A WORLD OF THE SPIRIT
We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 84

Yesterday at lunch I took a long walk. On the way back I had a powerful meditation on the idea of step 3, turning my will and life over to God. I thought of the idea that my will and my life were previously based on a set of principles that weren't clearly defined but were at the core based on my pleasures. These were my pleasure principles. I couldn't believe the connection with the term that Freud used.

I thought about how the steps were the process by which I turn from a life driven by pleasure principles to a life based upon Spiritual Principles.

Yesterday my wife and kids were out of town visiting her Dad.

I made a fast all day and in the evening I attended a Communal Reconciliation Service and made the Sacrament of Confession. I was grateful that God provided me with the opportunity to make the service. I renewed my faith by reviewing my conscience, making my confession and meditating on the act of contrition. I was amazed to find that I had not really looked at the prayer for the act of contrition and it was a wonderful discovery.

I decided to memorize the act of contrition and treat it like my third step pryer. After I made my penance I took my third step prayer on my knees in church before God.

I felt lonely and aprehensive in a new place surrounded by people I didn't know and in a ceremony that I am unfamiliar with. But throught the Catholicity of it all I felt at home. The priest from my Parish was one of the celebrants. I was grateful to see him and I felt God's presence and love in a familiar face.

I saw a friend outside who goes to that parish.

Today I felt my faith reinvigorated. I took a long walk at lunchtime down 6th street. I saw all the tragicallly hip people crowded down the street for SXSW. Great music filled the streets through open doors from venue to venue. I stopped for awhile and listened to a great band playing music with eighties new wave influences. I scarcely was affected by the throngs of ladies that have been distracting me lately. I could smell teh alcohol in the air and was filled with the spirit of the daylong party. I could see myself not going back to work. I could see myself enjoying the festival without alcohol. I could also see myself in the past drinking too much and ending up on a binge using. I went back to work and was grateful to be sober.

Yesterday I went to the noon meeting. A friend there spoke to me about a current struggle with his outlook on life. He is seeking the solution to recover from this bout.

Last night I was pondering something I share about the feelings asociated with using. I sometimes describe the feeling I used to experience right before the act. In a moment I was taken back to that place. I have done this before for teh sake of sharing my experience so I was not afraid. That moment turned into 5 minutes. I began to get drawn into those feelings. I set them aside and went back to what I was doing.

A short time later the thoughts came back. Again I was drawn in. Again, I set the aside after a few minutes. A short time later I had teh same exprience and this went on for some time until I began to indulge in the feelings.

This morning I had to make a serious effort to be rid of these thoughts. I sensed that I could be drawn into an obsession.

Today I went to the noon meeting. I had some reservation after the problem I had last Friday. The last few pages of Bill's story were read before I got there and The first few pages were read when I was there. My friend Charlie shared about how he always felt things more intensely that other people and that he felt alcohol more intensely than others.

I shared about how these pages describe who "we" are and that "we" were necesary before "I" could admit the nature of my disease.

I got to read:
We hope this volume will inform and comfort those who are, or who may be affected. There are many.
Highly competent psychiatrists who have dealt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade an alcoholic to discuss his situation without reserve. Strangely enough, wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.

No one mentioned the problem that happened last Friday.

Tonight I stopped and looked at bikes at Slaughter Bike Shop in my neighborhood. I went back with my son and bought a bike for myself and for him.

We took a ride around the neighborhood and I finally realized the moment I've been waiting for where he ad I rode side by side.

This morning was "Spring Forward". I thought about this beforehand last night and when I woke up. The boys and I got going and made it to Church on time. We I got there and Father James gave me a handshake as if to thank me for being on time. The congegation was small today.

Or readings were about God giving us new life from death and sin.

when I open your graves and have you rise from them,
O my people!
I will put my spirit in you that you may live,

The middle reading spoke of being raised from Spritual Death.

Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
But you are not in the flesh;
on the contrary, you are in the spirit,
if only the Spirit of God dwells in you.
Whoever does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
But if Christ is in you,
although the body is dead because of sin,
the spirit is alive because of righteousness.

The Gospel was the story of Lazarus raised from from the dead. I see several more lessons in this pasage than I have seen before.

The apostles were afraid that they would be killed if He went back there but He renewed in them the belief that He is the one who has power over life and death. I think this passage ties the story to an application in this life not just in the afterlife.

“Are there not twelve hours in a day?
If one walks during the day, he does not stumble,
because he sees the light of this world.
But if one walks at night, he stumbles,
because the light is not in him.”

Also in Martha he renewed her Faith:

Jesus told her,
“I am the resurrection and the life;
whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live,
and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.
Do you believe this?”
She said to him, “Yes, Lord.
I have come to believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God,
the one who is coming into the world.”

Father Barry said that Lent is a season of resurrection of faith.

Today's Daily Reflection was again synchronous as these three months have been:

SURRENDERING SELF-WILL
March 9, 2008
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 34

Today I renew my Decision. I turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

Today I went to our area meeting in San Antonio and served my 12 Step Fellowship by helping do the business that keeps the doors open.

I have to make a difficult decision as my son had a baseball practice that I would not be able to make. My wife was not enthusiastic about taking the kids with her to the practice and it was not realistic for her to be able to handle them. I knew that she would have to ask my mom for help and my dad would not be pleased. He had stressed to me when he paid for the practice that I needed to be responsible for getting my son there and not make my mother have to do these things.

It was my mistake not to plan better so I strongly considered not going but I just had to put first things first.

My wife ran an errand to the store before my trip. She got back late and I had to go make copies of my committee reports. She didn't want me using the printer at home. I went to make the copies and I ran twenty minutes late to meet with the guys riding to the meeting. I shared with them that I was angry at my wife and I asked God to remove it. I turned my thoughts to helping my fellowship and my fellows in service.

At noon I went to the meeting. I was asked to chair when I walked in. Today we were in Bill's story again at the point where Ebby asked Bill "Why don't you consider your own conception of God?". It was the part of the story where Bill became willing. I thought it was synchronous with today's Daily Reflection:

THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 35

It was a good meeting up until the point that a guy went on a lengthy share. He went on for a long time about his personal issues and dilemmas. He shared about his conflicts at work, his childhood trauma, his paranoia, his ADHD and other psychological issues, his problems with his wife, his inability to trust God and finally his hatred of God. He shared about the work he was doing with his psychiatrist and about how they were getting deeper and deeper into his issues. He talked about how he wants to drink so bad he can taste it.

As he went on, I began to see everyone looking at each other. Each person seemed to at first get annoyed, then expressed empathy and then get tired. I began to get this feeling that I was responsible to interject. I was afraid because I didn't know if this was the will of this group and I have a problem with confrontation. So I eased the basket out. Ten minutes later I handed the basket to him. I began to imagine my teachers telling me that I was letting this meeting go bad.

Finally at a point I interrupted him and asked him to wrap it up. He got angry and lashed out verbally. He said he would NOT wrap it up an that at this group we let God run the show, not you Bob(me). He said that he didn't care if it took me out of my comfort zone he thought there was still plenty of time.

He did wrap it up and I just let him say what he felt. He did an experienced job of bringing his share back to AA.

The next guy got the meeting back on track. He read from the story and said that it was amazing that what the reading was something he was experiencing in his life and he shared a message that was inspired and provided hope.

The guy made some other facetious comments about how much time people had to share but when we circled for the Lord's prayer he held my hand. We did not speak after the meeting. Ironically much of his share was about being able to stand up for his principles, be assertive and not go ballistic.

I tried to remain kind, tolerant and loving. I tried to give my fear of disapproval to God. I tried to trust in God and ask for his protection and spiritual armor.

I suppose that I will either learn that I don't need to run meetings or that I am able to be assertive and walk through the fear. I definitely want to get to the point where I can put things in a truthful but supportive manner in the face of confrontation.

In the evening I took my son to a scrimmage. It was difficult because I got angry that my wife did not have him ready. I didn't get to eat lunch or dinner.

My son made some mistakes but he made 2 outs at third base and he hit the ball every time he cam up to bat. He may have had the best game of all the boys.

In the evening my wife was still unhappy with mne as I had a committmen to the meeting that night. She was also unhapy that I had a trip to a felloowship business mtg. the next morning. My sponsor was at the meeting so he relieved me and I got to stay home and help my wife.

I called a sponsee this evening and spoke to him about how he is doing.

I talked to my sponsor and grand sponsor about the problem at the meeting.

I just remembered that monday afternoon when I came home from work I stopped off at a barbeque restaurant for some food. While I was waiting, a guy there from the kitchen recognized me. We used to work together in the early eighties.

Why Sprirituality?

For Life, Love, and Inspiration,

Life - The health of my mental and emotional core. I need restoration when I am not functioning right, I need regeneration when I am emotionally tired, I need vitalization to grow.

Love - To connect to others, otherwise I cannot stand people. To keep me morally anchored so that I don't separate myself from others by my desires and motives.

Inspiration - Spirit is the place from where all my best thoughts ideas and reasons for living come from.

Last night I didn't get a chance to review so I am doing it the morning of the 5th.

Yesterday I started out with a carry over of the previous days blues but I quickly abserved this and prayed to be rid of these feelingds and to leave them in yesterday and start a new day.

I had a good morning at work, I didn't get behind and i stayed focused most of the time. I even did my typing training. I didn;t get to go to the noon meeting but it was ok as I needed to have presence in the office this day. I was inspired to start a new process document.

In the evening I got out of work on time to get a good start to my son's baseball practice. On the walk to teh parking garage downtown I decided to stop rushing and to appreciate each moment rather than being so focused on my next affair that I miss them all.

I got to speak to a friend who wants to do the work. We met and were about to get started a few weeks back but he went to outpatient treatment and I've only spoken to him a few times. I look forward to working with him, he is a father and a family man.

We had a good baseball practice.

When I got back home I was tired and I got somewhat resentful at some point. My wife went to her meeting and I didn't get to do the tasks taht I expected to be able to do. I resisted as best I could but I believe that I was closed up and distant to my her. I tried to be grateful that she is an active member of the recovery fellowship.

This morning I got off to a good start by leaving the house early and beating an incoming storm to work. The rain started falling as I got to my block and the wind broke my umbrella but I made it in the building safe, dry and on time.

As the day went on the weather turned bitterly cold. I had a very busy morning and went to the noon meeting. We were in Bill's story again and we read about how Bill's alcoholism got progressively worse and he began various final attempts at sobriety until he hit rock bottom.

I shared my "beating on the bar asking how this happened" story and I wanted to tell about my experience at thinking that self knowledge was the key to staying sober. But ny share turned into me sharing my various bottoms and then find the willingness to put first things first. I left feeling like I was being repetetive and boorish. I did finish by talking about how the obsession was removed and my life is better.

In the afternoon all hell broke loose. I spoke to a customer who was upset with our system ad I didn't know enough to speak to the functionality that would have solved her problem. I was again very busy with a lengthy appointment and I got several voicemails from the employees of another dissatisfied customer. It was a trying afternoon.

When I came home my wife was frazzled and some things we talked about were cause for her to be critical of me. I had to keep quiet and find a solitary moment to get centered and connect with my Higher Power. In just a moment I was blessed with grace and realized what a great ay it had been.

I didn't have to work out in the cold.
The day was so busy that it flew by.
I got to work for a web development company supporting websites.
We received some financial assistance that is going to save us $3500.00 in medical bills.
I was one of two people share from the spiritual principles in the meeting.
I realized that it is ok if my sharing is not folksy and simplistic. That I was an overly self-involved, pseudo-intellectual, deluded, and fatally addicted alcoholic and that is my story.
When I got home I was swarmed by three beautiful children who all wanted to love me and share their day with me.
I got to see my oldest son ride his bike for the second day ever.
My wife made a wonderful dinner and shared a funny story from one of my best friends in recovery.

I thought about the reading from Bill's story today and I saw something that I wish to add to the story of my experience:

I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally.

When I went to my first treatment I got the idea that I was "seriously" ill, but I refused to think of my condition as hopeless or futile. I didn't get the "grave" nature of my condition.

Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

I thought that I understood what the program tried to accomplish and because of this I didn't actually need the steps, that this knowledge was enough. I didn't get that I suffered from a disease of the mind, body and spirit, that I needed something more that knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more.

When I finally became fully willing I found something more than the intelectual understanding of the disease. I experienced a profound inner surrender based on the complete acceptance that for me to drink was to die. I realized that I could never drink safely again and that I would always get worse never better. I finally took to heart the understanding that I must fully give myself to this simple program. This was not head knowledge it was heart knowledge.

This morning I was thinking of the sacrifices of Lent again and I thought of overvalued dependencies. Here I began to ponder my attachement to my will. So not only do I give up things that are not good for me but I give up things that I want.

The great struggle in my life comes from my desires coming between me and God. These desires gradually, slightly, but inevitably become larger over the course of the year. During this season I give up something I desire greatly as an excercise in letting go of the things I have overvalued.

I renew my focus on God as the most important source of fulfillment in life.

At Mass today Fr. Barry spoke about people's delusion of the truth about themselves. He used an analogy of the alcoholic who endures an incredibly dysfunctional life but cannot see the truth about himself that his drinking is causing the problems. His analogy was to show how people prefer not to see the truth about their sin and that Jesus is the light of truth. This got me thinking about the Living Water and the "Light" characteristic of it.

Fr. Barry used one word however that got me thinking about the misunderstanding of how our powerlessness is different than normal character defects. He said that the alcoholic "prefers" not to see the truth.

I thought of how I preferred not to see the truth of my sinful nature when it came to leading a spiritual life. But this was different than when I was rendered incapable of seeing the truth by the overwhelming obsession. An addict/alcoholic has an obsession that was developed as a result of an intoxicating substance in the body that has altered a person's brain chemistry.

I also felt that there is a gradient on the power scale of sinful obsession that when exceeded becomes overwhelming and takes ahold of a person so as to control the thinking. The person becomes deluded and powerless. This is also might be the boundary that distinguishes when a person develops a patholical, psychological, behavioral disorder. In short sin is usually not a form of true powerlessness but it can become that.

Today I got to do some constructive work around the house in the morning and take my sone to baseball practice. I felt a sense today of this family getting back to normal after Christie's pregnancy and with the newborn.