Friday, March 7, 2008

At noon I went to the meeting. I was asked to chair when I walked in. Today we were in Bill's story again at the point where Ebby asked Bill "Why don't you consider your own conception of God?". It was the part of the story where Bill became willing. I thought it was synchronous with today's Daily Reflection:

THE KEY IS WILLINGNESS
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 35

It was a good meeting up until the point that a guy went on a lengthy share. He went on for a long time about his personal issues and dilemmas. He shared about his conflicts at work, his childhood trauma, his paranoia, his ADHD and other psychological issues, his problems with his wife, his inability to trust God and finally his hatred of God. He shared about the work he was doing with his psychiatrist and about how they were getting deeper and deeper into his issues. He talked about how he wants to drink so bad he can taste it.

As he went on, I began to see everyone looking at each other. Each person seemed to at first get annoyed, then expressed empathy and then get tired. I began to get this feeling that I was responsible to interject. I was afraid because I didn't know if this was the will of this group and I have a problem with confrontation. So I eased the basket out. Ten minutes later I handed the basket to him. I began to imagine my teachers telling me that I was letting this meeting go bad.

Finally at a point I interrupted him and asked him to wrap it up. He got angry and lashed out verbally. He said he would NOT wrap it up an that at this group we let God run the show, not you Bob(me). He said that he didn't care if it took me out of my comfort zone he thought there was still plenty of time.

He did wrap it up and I just let him say what he felt. He did an experienced job of bringing his share back to AA.

The next guy got the meeting back on track. He read from the story and said that it was amazing that what the reading was something he was experiencing in his life and he shared a message that was inspired and provided hope.

The guy made some other facetious comments about how much time people had to share but when we circled for the Lord's prayer he held my hand. We did not speak after the meeting. Ironically much of his share was about being able to stand up for his principles, be assertive and not go ballistic.

I tried to remain kind, tolerant and loving. I tried to give my fear of disapproval to God. I tried to trust in God and ask for his protection and spiritual armor.

I suppose that I will either learn that I don't need to run meetings or that I am able to be assertive and walk through the fear. I definitely want to get to the point where I can put things in a truthful but supportive manner in the face of confrontation.

In the evening I took my son to a scrimmage. It was difficult because I got angry that my wife did not have him ready. I didn't get to eat lunch or dinner.

My son made some mistakes but he made 2 outs at third base and he hit the ball every time he cam up to bat. He may have had the best game of all the boys.

In the evening my wife was still unhappy with mne as I had a committmen to the meeting that night. She was also unhapy that I had a trip to a felloowship business mtg. the next morning. My sponsor was at the meeting so he relieved me and I got to stay home and help my wife.

I called a sponsee this evening and spoke to him about how he is doing.

I talked to my sponsor and grand sponsor about the problem at the meeting.

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