Today I felt indispensible at work even though I know it doesn't make me bullet proof and anything is possible. It was good to be free from fear.

At noon I got to go to a meeting, the topic was rationalization of God's will and Tradition 5.

This evening I got to go to baseball practice and I was proud of my son. I am very lucky to have him.

Tonight my neice is in the hospital for pneumonia. She will have very serious surgery tomorrow they are going to cut open her chest. Her problems are related to her smoking and using crack and to the neglect from living in an active addict household. I thought about how lucky we are to be able to raise our kids with a good foundation.

I felt more willing than ever to do God's will today.

Tonight I got to do some service work for CA by updating the meeting schedules.

Today I worried about a friend I haven't seen in days. He showed up and had been drinking. I knew I should have checked on him. I regret that I did not make a better effort.

At our meeting I got to read about how understanding of the disease can help the wife.

Today I received the ballgame tickets unexpectedly.

Today God relieved my fears and got me through the day.

This evening we had a good little meal and went to the park as a family.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Friday I was having the best day ever. My son's baseball team won their game the night before and we had a really fun time riding bikes late into the evening. Enough time had past from my last trouble that I was feeling a great sense of normalcy in my life's circumstances. I was even feeling hope that soon my financial troubles would be stabilized as an announcement was made that the government rebate would be going out on monday. I got an email that the building management company was giving out tickets to a ballgame.

At noon we had a meeting at work. It was announced that we would soon be having a job duties revision and this would remove our salary ceiling. We heard that a lot of obig things were happening behind they scenes and that our business is expected to double in a year.

I left the meeting feeling even more optimistic. I read an email offering me the ballgame tickets. I got very exited about this and began to think about a great night out at the game with my son, something I can't afford right now. Then I got a notice that the offer had actually come before the meeting and I was way too late. I was very disappointed. I tried to shrug it off but I realized that I had already assumed I would get them and had placed way too much vale in this idea.

A while later I got a call to visit my boss. He said that the owner of the company was very upset with how I handled a situation that made the company look bad. I suddenly fell into a great deal of fear. A short time later I got a notice of a meeting scheduled with my boss.

I am grateful to have a way of life on which I can turn to God for courage in a time of fear because this trouble me the rest of the day and I new that I would have to go all weekend and next week before I would learn the outcome of this event.

Friday evening a guy called me to give him a ride to a meeting. I got to give him a ride and do the only part of the inventory process that was left for me to do. To turn my thoughts to someone else that I can help.

Satrday morning our baseball game was pushed back 2 hours. My son was scheduled to go to his cousin's birthday party at that time. When I called my wife she got very angry with me because I had committed to being at the game. I came home to keep my son rested and my wife told him that I didn't want to let him go to the party and she exacerbated his grief with other words. I endured i fr a while but then flew into a rage as my son's crying became wailing. I smashed and threw some things in the garage and I went for a long drive.

I managed to get him to the game and we lost.

The rest of the da I asked God to forgive me and I took a long nap and I did some yard work and played with the kids outside.

I never found time to do written inventory.

I thought about my problem at work and I began to work on accepting my situation that I might have to learn to live without that job.

This morning I was late getting up but we made it to Mass and the boys were well behaved. The Deacon gave a sermon in which he told a story about a pilot who's experience leading to good judgegent. When he was asked how he got the good experience he said by learning from my bad judgement. This provided me with the understanding I need to get through the difficulty I am facing at my job.

Today our readings contained the following statements from which I was able to solidify some ideas that I need to be able to speak about the spiritual life:

"...unclean spirits, crying out in a loud voice,
came out of many possessed people,
and many paralyzed or crippled people were cured."

This could be read to mean that many people posessed with obsessions that poisoned (unclean) their spirits came out of them and they were no longer paralyzed with fear and crippled with with guilt, remorse. and shame.

I heard today that the Bible is not a historical text but rather a theological text in which the history of a people is used to express theological teaching.

I also heard:

"Always be ready to give an explanation
to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope,
but do it with gentleness and reverence, keeping your conscience clear,
so that, when you are maligned,
those who defame your good conduct in Christ
may themselves be put to shame."

From this I thought of how it is always my duty to learn how to speak about God's teaching in a way that does not repulse people and a way that they can understand and be open to receive It.

Our Gospel reading said:

"Jesus said to his disciples:
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments."

I realized this meant I need to make amends with my wife.

While I was typing this she came to me and made amends. I guess my job is to be loving to her now.

This week I have been learning to live more austerely. We don't have any money so I have been eating ham sandwiches every day at lunch. Every morning I crave a big breakfast but I make do with cereal. It feels good to release my dependence on these things. This morning my friend at work gave me a taco when I was most hungry.

I got to go to my meeting today. I'm very grateful today to have this group to go to although sometimes I'm not so sure they are grateful to have me. Today we talked about step 5. I was glad that I have a conception of the step because I was able to form my share around the principles.

I felt in tune and inspired today. I felt like riding a bike all day.

Tonight we played our baseball game and won. I felt bad about it though because my son's friend and hiws father who is a respected friend of mine were on the other team. Our team's coaches were a little over the top in vocalizing to our team. I felt compelled to show more reserve out as a matter of dignity for us and for the other team. We won by a large margin. I felt bad for the other team.

I was grateful for the time I got to spend with my family. I had a moment tonight when everything felt right in the world.

Today my wife spoke to me about a situation in which a counselor has asked my wife to help her family member. My wife consulted me about the situation and we talked at length about it. I felt like we are a team doing the Lord's work.

Thanks be to GOD.

Yesterday I thought about the Sunday Gospel message that Christ is the way, the truth and the life. I thought about how this applies to me this morning. God is not health, wealth and prosperity. The way is God's will that I must obey and allow myself to be re-formed in. The truth is the acceptance and sense of direction I get through God. The life is God's power that restore's me to sanity and inspires me to enlightenment.

At lunch I got to go to a meeting. I spoke to a guy who is a Muslim. I instantly changed and found brotherhood with those of Islamic faith. It was love that transformed my thinking in an instant. I found common ground in the principles of faith. I found that I don't have to dwell on the differences but rather on or similarities.

Tonight I got to go to my son's practice. He did great.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I tried to keep up my momentum of heightened spiritual dependence.

I will focus on God's protection rather than my financial insecurity.
I will focus on God's love rather than on my sex desires.
I will focus on God's will rather than my ambitions.

I went to the noon meeting. Our topic was step four in the Twelve and Twelve. There was a visitor from out of town who said he was near his five year anniversary. He spoke of being seriously depressed and a person that just isn't getting "IT" in the program. He said that he reluctantly came to meetings in our town and got a new lift from new meetings and new people.

I am grateful that the program really works for me. I shared my emorional disturbances of the last 3 days and how self-examination and dependence upon God has renewed my spiritual experience. I am grateful that I can feel this renewal right here where I am and have been for the past 4 years.

Wherever I go, there I am.

I believe that Christ is the the way and the truth and the life.

This morning I had to pray about my fears and resolve to trust in God from the moment I woke up. The sleep I got helped me feel a lot better afer feeling sick yesterday. The Daily Reflection was about Faith and Fear. By the time I left the house I was focused on God's work and being a father rather than our materialistic troubles.

At mid-morning my wife called me and told me that she talked to the mortgage people that our due date is after I get paid so we should be ok. It seemed that God took care of us once I found acceptance.

Today I thought a lot about faith and reason. I thought about how faith is for self-control. I thought about how humanistic ideologies lack the power of theology because they are dependent on the ideas of the human originator and individual human beings are ivariably fallible. Theological moral codes are more powerful because they originate from a being greater than humanity and the are discerned by many human beings in union with the Creator. Human beings still differ and misuse theology but God most recently came to earth in the person of Jesus Christ and cleared it up for us all.

I went to the noon meeting and we read the chapter "Working With Others". I talked about how the aspect of sharing my story made my life livable without shame, remorse, and guilt of the past because it converted my dark past into a great asset. I realized also that the Power of the program makes it possible to face the past without fear of falling into the obsessions. I don't have to avoid the past and my old behaviors make sense in light of the disease.

Tonight I had a wonderful time practicing with my son. I couldn't believe his enthusiasm this evening. We had many moments of companionship.

Tonight I settle in with peace of mind and contentment.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning I woke up late again. I managed to get the boys ready and get to church on time. But when we got home I was very tired and couldn't ever really get going all day.

In the morning my wife told me that we were $200 overdrawn and that our mortgage company had sent us a letter stating that by a past date they were going to start foreclosure on us.

I felt a lot of fear. I felt a lot of remorse for not staying on course financially 2 months ago when we did our budget. I wanted to blame my wife for not doing her part to dilligently stick to our financial plan.

Yesterday was a test of my willingness to turn to the Father of Light in all things. The Gospel reading yesterday was about Jesus being the Truth, the Way and the Life.

During the day we watched the Holy Father at Ground Zero and giving mass at Yankee stadium. Later in the evening I watched the atheist program and this was the highlight of my day. The reason this was the highlight of my day is because I felt like I had good debate points for everything they talked about. I also felt like I might be close to being able to debate with someone about this type of subject and maintain emotional control. I thought about how Pope Benedict says the faith is no complete without reason. That faith without reason is not complete.

I sleepwalked through the evening and prayed a lot for God to remove my fears.

This morning I was resentful at my wife for sleeping late.

I was angry at my wife for sending my son to a sleepover the night before a baseball game.

At noon I was resentful that I screwed up the time of our baseball game and we got there late.

I was afraid that people would think of me as a loser.

All through the day today we watched The Pope on his visit to America. In the afternoon my father was visiting and we had a nice little talk about the importance of God in our lives.

This evening my son and I took a long bikr ride. We went back to the scene of his accident last week. He told me he was a little afraid going back there. He was relieved to face his fear and walk through it. We went to many places and a couple of new ones. He told me that today was the best bike ride we ever took. He told me today was an adventure.

Last night I got to talk to a guy struggling to find faith and sobriety. I shared with him some of my worst obsessions and their power over me. I shared with him what it took to find the Power to overcome them. I got to talk to him about his greatest objections to God. I got to share my experience in overcoming my objections.

Last night was a very good meeting, we read "The Vicious Cycle". I thought the writer's story was very much like that of a drug addict.

Last night I had a very strong using dream. I remember shooting dope three times. I remember the feeling of anticipation and apprehension over the amount of the shot that I was about to do. I remember digging around in my arm and registering and re-registering repeatedly trying to get the shot in. I remember nothing but a big disappointment over missing the shot.

Today I got to enjoy the simple things in life. Tonight I must make amends to complete my stepwork for the day and ensure my spiritual connection and sobriety.

Today on the walk from work I felt discontent. I felt like all my life I have been close enough to the good life to know what it is but it eluded me just out of reach. As I drove home I realized that I was sinking deeper in to this mire of self-pity. I kept thinking of one thing after another that I was worried about. Then I realized that I had to come back to the moment.

I thought about what a joy it was to have a quiet moment in a nice little truck that worked well enough to give me a cool comfortable ride home on a beautiful spring day in lite traffic. I looked around at the people on the street and felt grateful that I have a wonderful family waiting for me at home and a comfortable house to live in.

Tonight I got to take a guy to a meeting and talk to him on the way home.

Today I still felt injured a little from my son's bike accident. Today I felt afraid for putting out some ideas at work. This afternoon I felt a little too disappointed for losing a table tennis. I felt too concerned that I didn't play a game as usual with the new guy at work. I was too concerned that a girl in the noon meeting who relapsed walked out right before I shared about relapse experience. I was too nervous about coaching in my son's baseball game tonight against the best team in the league.

I was grateful today that I get to ride bikes with my son.
I had some inspiration in my work and the confidence to propose ideas and acceptance if they aren't imposed.
I found youthfull ability in the sports interlude I had and I played better than ever.
I am grateful for the ability to have friends and care about them.
I got to carry the message to 2 newcomers in our meeting today.
In the beginning of our game I found serenity and confidence and went on to have a great time and perform well even though we lost.


After our game tonight the other teams coaches wife recognized my wife as they went through religious education together. Then the coach talked to me. He told me that we were the toughest team they played and I was able to relay this to our team.

Tonight my son asked me to hold him while my wife took out his stitches. My heart fills with joy that my son needs me to comfort him when he is afraid. I need God's comfort when I am afraid. My son made it through the stitch pulling and I made it through my fears today.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt remorseful again that my son's friend is still rejecting him. Then I realized that they are just kids and I got over it. I still feel sad but I can just be grateful that my son is a caring son and that he has other friends and a good sense of self esteem.

I got to go to the noon meeting. there were new and non-committed people attending. I was grateful to hear my friend Jeff share about the promises.

I got to read the two paragraphs on page 85 about how not to relapse.

I got to watch the vespers service with the Holy Father at the Shrine of The Immaculate Conception tonight.

My son was enthusiastic about practicing tonight.

I got to play with the kids in our circle. My 2nd son is peddling his bike a lot better now. I realized tonight just how delayed he is and I was grateful for the efforts that my wife puts forth to get him therapy.

I love them all and I love her.

Thank you God.

I thought about practicalspirituality.com.
I thought about new terms for the moral inventory and step work.
I thought more of manufacturing production quality control.
Quality Control Testing
Re-Sync
Control Limits
Qualification Testing
Inventory of conduct

This morning I was very busy at work.

I had a meeting at noon so I took a short lunch and a walk. It was a beautiful day and I walked to the Cathedral a few blocks away. I found myself in a courtyard their in front of a statue of the Blessed Mother. There was something mesmerizing about the shape of the figure. I felt drawn in by Her. It began to look as if her shawl was flowing and her chest was breathing. I felt as i she were really there with me. It seemed like reality changed also and went into slow motion underwater dream state.

I prayed for her to send her angels to protect over my family.

In the moment I forgot about the meeting back at work and I was a few minutes late. The owner of the company asked me why I was late in a slightly accusatory manner.

After the meeting a friend offered me some advice to send my boss an email expressing my regret and commitment to work. I did so and my boss replied graciously.

Tonight we had a pleasant evening in the back yard and we watched programs about the Pope's visit to the US.

Tonight I should have been kinder to the kids.

I thought today about how harmful the sexual revolution has been in our society.

I havent' done a review in days.

I went to a noon meeting.

Work is very busy.

I feel remorseful about my son's bike accident.
I feel remorseful because the kid that was with us told him that he doesn't want to be his friend.

I feel grateful that we had a chance to talk about how we have to be patient with friends and how these things happen. My son told me about how his other friend always tells him he doesn't want to be his friend and then he comes back and is all cool later.

Our meeting today was about amends. I was inspired to think about the them in the following way:

5 reasons to make Amends

Clean up the Messes
Clear your Karma
Connect with Fellows
Communicate your condition
Compound your Humility

Vitalize Faith

This morning we went to the baseball field early. I wanted to give my son some time to watch a game before our game. We stopped at the store which was very unusual. I saw my friend, the last new guy that asked me to sponsor him and his son. I am stopping to call him now.

During our game today there were times when the coaches griped at each other. I was grateful that I have a way of life that has freed me from the need to conduct myself that way.

I am grateful that we had a great time today.

This afternoon my son and I went on a long bike ride. My son's friend went with us. We rode to a nearby school that has some long smooth sidewalks that go down a big hill to the front of the school. My son loves this place. He rode down the steepest sidewalk as fast as he could. I went down a sidewalk on the side and flew right in front of him. He got distracted by me and flew straight into the corner of a cinder block column. All I saw was his bike flip up in the air. He let out a blood curdling scream. I saw it happen in slow motion and was horrified.

As I slammed on my brakes I almost crashed myself. I braced myself for the worst. I expected the possibility of broken bones. I darted back and it was pretty bad. He had blood pouring down his faced from his head, his nose and his mouth. I imagend a shattered skull and internal bleeding. I thought of how in the movies when someone bleeds out of their mouth they die.

Fortunately it wasn't that bad. His friend saw what happened and went into shock and took off. I tried to stop him but had to attend to my son. As I comforted him and and wiped the blood and checked him I was in emotional turmoil. I felt so awful for him. Through it all he kept asking what happened to his friend.

He went to the hospital and got stitches. He didn't have a serious injury. I however am traumatized. I had to turn to God throughout this. I am grateful for his protection and his sustenance. I am ok but still processing the whole thing. I am angry at myself for not being more careful. My firend, my wife and my son told me it was not my fault. I am glad I have them to talk to.

Today I thought about the HOW, the HAC and he SAW. Honesty, Open Mindness and Willingness are often cited as the HOW of the program but I often think that you can't just make these things happen, they happen by Grace.

We need surrender, acceptance, whole heartedness.

We can use humility, ambition, and comprehension to achieve these also.

Last night at the company celebration i had a moment where I realized just how easy it would be to accidentally drink.

Tonight at or meeting we read Our Southern Friend from the personal stories. A friend came into the meeting hurting. He had drank last night.

I am grateful for willingness to seek God today.

I had several streams of thought over the past week that I wish I could get back. I have these moments when a sequence of thoughts that I have been struggling to compose or express finally come together.

I think a recent thought was about forming simple statements to outline spiritual principles.

Yesterday i was listening to a debate over miraculous apparitions. Part of the validation process was the presence of extraordinary spectacles like the dancing sun. I observed today that faith based on these types miracles is weaker than faith based on practical application.

I went to the noon meeting. The reading was tradition 3 in the 12x12. I thought about AA's singleness of purpose and AA's diversity. I considered that it is a paradox that AA does not exclude anyone but that AA has a single purpose that is required. I must not bring another problem or another solution, I must stick to that common problem and the common solution.

I shared that I love AA so much that I go to CA.

Three of us walked back to my building together one of us was celebrating 6 months. We talked about keeping first things first and how service work opportunities come. The guy with 6 months said he was happy that he could now go back and do service at the treatment center that he went to.

Today after work we had a company celebration at a pool hall a block from work. I had to tell my wife that I had to be there and that I forgot to remind her in recent days. I had a little fear but I had to make a decision. She was not happy about this and this just added to her ongoing aggravation. I went to the event but had to leave early and get home so that my wife could go to her meeting. I wanted to stay but didn't feel any remorse in coming home to my family.

I had a good evening with the kids but I feel lonely.

I am thankful for God as my constant companion and source of meaning in life.

I tried to write a review tonight but the baby started crying. I should have started this earlier but I got occupied watching a ballgame after baseball practice, baths and ironing.

It was a good day and I am grateful again.

I guess I need to make amends to my wife for not being patient, kind, tolerant and loving yesterday when we had an argument.

Today I didn't have any emotional disturbances and it was a routine day.

At noon we re-read the end of the chapter on step 3 again. I came in late and realized they must not have known we finished that chapter last week. It was good for me to read that again. I thought about how step 3 is a resolute commitment.

This evening I remembered some of my feelings not so long ago. I remembered wishing for a day when I would wake up early in the morning, on time, without a hangover and go to work at a decent, clean, low stress, job. I dreamed of not being in trouble with my attendance and not feeling like I might get called in to the bosses office at any moment. I dreamed of having a decent vehicle with a working air conditioner to ride home comfortably. I wished for a day when I didn't have the weight of my troubles on my shoulders and my thought life would be filled with serenity and inspiration. I fancied being able to stand up honestly and face any troubles as roadbumps rather than insurmountable chasms. I longed for a loving home and a nice little dinner with my wife and kids in the evening and getting some yardwork done and going for bike ride with my son.

Today I got to live that day. Thank you God.

This morning I thought about the decision part of step 3. I think what is important here is making a solid committment to do God's will without question and with great resolve. The reason for this is because I will forget why I am doing this. I must have the resolve to trudge through my mental blank spots, periods of unwillingness, and trials of faith.

Yesterday I got to go to church with only my oldest son. We didn't have to sit in the cry room and we got to sit in the third row. My son was much better behaved than ever before.

Yesterday I went on an errand to buy a used TV. We had to carry the TV and it was very heavy and we had to carry it through an awkward tight spot. I m only writing this to remind myself that I had a busy Sunday morning. In thinking about yesterday I keep thinking it was a wasted day because I was so tired. But this is not true. It was a fruitful day of rest and regeneration. Most of all because of the union I was able to make with the Lord. But also because I needed the physical rest.

Last night my wife went to her meeting.

Today my wife got angry at me because our middle son didn't wake up on time. She blamed me for no getting to bed on time. I countered that it was because she didn't wake up in time. We got into an argument which I think I won. But I didn't win, I feel like a failure because I was not patient, kind, tolerant and loving.

At the noon meeting we read pages 64 - 66 about the resentment inventory.

'nuff said

This is the longest gap that I can ever remember between written evening reviews and not relapsing.

One night this week I had a dream that I was using and drinking. Another night I dreamed that I was watching someone else relapse. Thursday night I broke out in irritability.

Each night I was exhausted and busy with the kids until I passed out. I said prayers with the kids each night and myself as I fell asleep a couple of the nights.

The past few days have been very busy and very good. I have been graced with the fruits of sobriety and I am grateful. I just have to resolve to stay on track and not allow the good things in my life become more important than honesty about my condition, inner acceptance of the nature of the disease, willingness to continue to put God's Will first.

These past few days I have thought a lot about the practical application of spirituality. I thought that my greatest mission in life is to learn to speak about spirituality and God in non-religious terms but to speak the same truth. Today I thought about renaming my site something like practicalspirituality.org.

The past week I have caught myself being too competitive about my son's baseball. I realized that I have begun to have an expectation on him to perform well and to win. I realized that I have begun to rely on my instinct of competitiveness and it is interfering with my relationship with him. I asked for God's help to accept that he is very young and that he just wants to have fun.

Today he played well but they lost the game. I am grateful for the opportunity to be on the team with him. This afternoon we went for a long bike ride together.

Today was the beginning of the quarter which is a very busy time for me at work. But everything went ok.

Today I won twice at table tennis by using some of the fundamentals that I learned from teaching the kids to bat.

Yesterday I emailed the other coaches about our boys and I offered a suggestion for discipline. Two of the coaches emailed me back saying that it was outside of the scope of coaching. None of them seemed bothered by it but they weren't very receptive. It has been bothering me that they might be privately irritated. This is a fear that I must give to God.

Tonight we lost our game by one point. The coach and some parents and my wife were very upset about the umpire and talked about emailing the commisioner. I was grateful that I don't have to fix everything today.

Today the noon meeting was about tradition two. I got to share about my experience with the tradition when our group was divided over newcomer meeting and I managed to get a vote when many members weren't present and the big controversy over that. I also related the tradition to step three.