This morning I prayed and meditated.

Today I got up and went to work and had a sane and productive day.

Today I thought about the movie Juno that I got to watch with my wife and son. I realized that my wife was one of those babies like the one in the movie. I found a new conception of her mother in identification with Juno. I found a heartfelt sense of gratitude and appreciation for the tough choices she had to make. I realized the same for my wife's parents.

At the noon meeting we read from page 101 to the first page of To Wives. There were a lot of people at the meeting. I thought of the people who got sober and showed me that sobriety came from a power that worked within me, not a program that shielded me from alcohol. I thought of my wife who got help for herself and quit enabling me to kill myself.

I got too upset upset this afternoon over losing at ping pong.

This evening was chaotic.

Thanks be to God for this moment of peace.

Today I had peace among the fear and worry of others at work.

I got to go to the noon meeting an we read about the joy of watching others recover. The Daily Reflections was also about this topic. A friend wrote my wife about the difficulties that they are going through but the joy if having their loved one sober of finding peace in their higher power. It was rather synchronous.

This afternoon I got to put up the swing beam for the kids. I was grateful for my life.

I never yelled and griped at the kids today. I love my wife.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was very questionable when I first woke up because of the virus that I am fighting. I prayed for initiative and resilience and I received it.

I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a low attended meeting and we finished early. I got to stay and talk to a good friend afterward.

This afternoon I got to play with the kids and measure up our new (used) swing beam and a-frame. I remembered that last night when I went to the upscale neighborhood in the hills I had a moment when I coveted what they have. I had a moment of regret for unrealized dreams. I was able to turn away from that without much effort plus I was busy with the swing beam and had gratitude for that. But as I drove to home in our neighborhood and then carried the parts into our yard. I received a great deal of gratitude and appreciation for the wonderful home that God has blessed us with.

This evening I got slightly upset with myself for griping at one of the kids.

I was playing with my oldest son and I dropped him and he hit the bed frame with his mouth. I got angry and afraid.

Those were only minor things that I must give to the Lord ad do better tomorrow. It truly was another great day today.

Today I had a productive focused day at work. A few potential problems went right instead of going wrong.

I got to go to the noon meeting today, we read about tradition 11 and step 12. In particular we read about the spiritual awakening. This lead me to try and identify a concept to describe the spiritual element in a structural model of the inner being.

I believe the inner being is composed of three distinct entities at the core, the instinct, the intellect, and the intuition.

Today I made a slight mistake at work that I am afraid of.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We talked about step twelve.

On the way home I ran into a friend on his bicycle. We got to talk for a long time and he told me some things that he has to do to focus on God's will and plan for him and not on his troubles. I needed to hear that about me.

This evening my parents visited and bought us a nice dinner.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got up relatively early and got the kids going for 9:00 am mass. We had to go early because my wife was leading the children's liturgy of the word. I am very grateful for a wife willing and able to do this.

Today was the Feast of The conversion of St. Paul. I was moved to tears during the first reading from Acts that described the Road to Damascus story.

This afternoon I went to the meeting at the treatment center. It was a great meeting and the guys asked good questions.

This morning I found myself thinking about my issues at work and the week ahead. Thanks to the grace of God I have not been overwhelmed with fear and I have been able to detach from the outcome somewhat. But I must not deny that I am afraid. I ask God to remove my fear as it crops up so that I may be the person he needs me to be.

I was very run down this morning and slept off and on. But I was able to make the kids a big breakfast and do some inside cleaning. After a nap I was able to do some yard work. After another nap I was able to do baseball practice with my son. After another nap I did some typing practice. After that I spent some one on one time with my daughter.

I watched a program about Howard Hughes. I learned some more insight into the nature of his insanity and how it was related to his addiction. I also saw the correlation between his inability recover from his addiction because his inexhaustible resources kept him from being able to surrender his will. I was able to appreciate my trials and suffering as they were key to my surrender.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting, the topic was self will. A good friend who got sober here and moved away came to visit. He is still sober and he is happy.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Morning Thoughts
Belief is the pedestal of trust
Belief is the foundation of faith
Belief is the dynamo of motive

At first faith = trust + belief + action = more faith
In time faith = trust + belief + love

All of my life I have sorted people into 2 groups, those who are against me and those who are with me. The disease concept for the spiritual malady has helped me to see that the people who are against me are perhaps spiritually sick too so I am able to forgive them. This also helps me to see that those who I think are with me are succeptible to the same malady and thus are capable of letting me down.

I must let go of my expectations for either group.

This explains a lot of things and diffuses some of my fear of the unexpected.

The last thing that happened this morning was a meeting in which my peers and I were read the riot act. We were issued an ultimatum to adhere to some intensive directives for performance or else. I got the impression that no matter what someone is going to get cut.

After our meeting everything changed in our workplace. It is like the bubble of enlightenment that we lived in has burst. We were told that if we needed to work through our lunch or stay after for a couple of hours that we should do that.

When the meeting let out I had to get out of the office. I thought that I needed to step out of the atmosphere of fear and worry. I burst out into the day made the sign of the cross and said a prayer. I asked God to remove my fears so that I may better be the person he needs me to be. I looked around me on the street at main and main in the heart of downtown and I seemed to see a person from every walk of life. And no matter how well off or down and out that they looked I saw people that needed a solution to the mystery of life. And I saw drunks and addicts. I walked to my meeting and I thought that I had nothing to fear, that God is my real employer and helping others is the real job that matters. I remembered that he has always taken care of me and my family and I remembered to believe that he always will.

I got to the meeting and we read the end of page 89 about prayer and meditation and the beginning of the chapter "Working With Others".

Thanks be to God.

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. It was sparsely attended but we managed to talk for an hour. There was one guy there who was court ordered and probably not alcoholic. He was very gracious and I'm not sure what he thought. I questioned the effectiveness of the meeting but a friend with a long time shared about his struggles with something that I was able to speak to. A guy commented on forgetting about being an alcoholic and beginning to think we are more like normies than alcoholics and that is exactly what I needed to hear.

Today a guy at work had issues like I did 6 mos ago. He looked to me for some support, the only thing I could do was say that I had been through it also. I tried to call him tonight but I know that I can only offer moral support not advice. I think I need some of that myself.

Today I thought alot about the inner dispensation of thoughts. I also remember to apply the sign of the cross to dispense of bad thoughts.

Tonight all of us in my home seem to be struggling with low grade self will.

I am exhausted and just want to get to bed.

Main Entry: dispensation
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: allocation of supply
Synonyms: allotment, appointment, apportionment, award, bestowal, conferment, consignment, courtesy, dealing out, disbursement, distribution, dole, endowment, favor, indulgence, kindness, part, portion, quota, service, share

I have been looking for a term that describes what happens in the mind when a thought first begins. When an emotion or desire first crops up in the lower parts of the consciousness and the psyche considers whether or not that thought can proceed to the next level or into the consciousness.

I believe there are several levels of the psyche and at the entry to each there is a checkpoint where a subconscious decision is made. The psyche decides whether or not to allow the thought through to the next level. The closer to the conscious mind that the thought gets the greater the possibility that the act will be done. Once the thought is into the conscious mind it has the greatest chance of making into action.

In the healthy person there is never any question that the answer to the thought of a toxic behavior is anything other than no. But, even if the thought makes it into the conscious thought it still isn't very powerful.

In the mind that has been conditioned by exposure to the behavior the thought blazes through the check points and then it is up to the conscious mind to struggle futilistically to make a choice that it doesn't have the power to make.

A belief in a higher power which precludes the behavior can be strong enough to obliterate the thought at the early checkpoints. The desire is stopped before it can proliferate in the higher levels of consciousness and the conscious mind never has to attempt to make a choice.

I believe this is where the higher power is more effective than the reason.

Today I realized that I am fanatically pro-life.

Today I am grateful that God gave me some insight to present a good idea on our forum at work.
Today I am grateful for support from one of our company leaders when some of my fellow employees were dismissing it out of hand.

I had a nice evening with my family. Thanks be to God.

Today I got to to go to the noon meeting. It was one of those days when I wasn't sure that I wanted to go. I was one of 5 there, we talked about step 11.

This evening my wife went out to a job and I had the kids by myself. I am exhausted, thanks be to God.

This morning I couldn't find my glasses and my favorite hoodie coat. I realized that I may have left my glasses at the treatment center that I visited yesterday. I thought about my favorite Big Book that recently lost. I felt remorseful about the loss of these things that I am so attached to.

On my way to work there were two auto accidents that I had to stop and wait for. I also saw an unusual thing where a car was tailgating a cop and then the cop pulled into another lane and let the car pass and then tailgated the car. I wondered thought about how the crash might have been a drunk driver. I wondered if the tailgater was a drunk driver. The cop turned around and never pulled the guy over.

When I got to work my code didn't work for the alarm. The alarm went off and I had to notify security and call my boss.

Somehow I felt all of this meant something. I felt like these were a message. I think the loss of the things were meant to remind me not to be too attached to the material world. I think the crashes were meant to show me the consequences of attachment to the material world. I think the driver pushing the boundaries but not getting pulled over signified the subtle, cunning, seduction of sinful behavior. I think the alarm code not working was showing me that it's time to attend to something, maybe the sacrament of confession.

There was a striking, golden glow on the horizon this morning just before sunrise. I think this also was a sign of new era about to dawn.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. The readings were pages 82 - 83. I got to read the two paragraphs about the tornado and the long period of reconstruction ahead. I got to receive the insight that amends are often just the beginning of an ongoing process. I think I must re-visit my amends for the coming Lenten season.

Two guys shared about how they disagreed with what the book says on some matters. They also described how they are going through some tough transitions. I suddenly felt a strong sense of unity with them both even though I disagreed with them I realized that even in our dis-concurrence we are still a part of each other's sobriety. I realized that each of the disagreements that they shared were things that I have shared about in my experience at other times I realized that the greatest opportunity for me to rebut these perspectives will be when I am sharing my experience for the sake of carrying the message on another day when I am not eve thinking of addressing them. This gave me a new sense of direction and motivation in my role in that meeting and in my willingness to participate. This also gave me relief about getting into disagreements with people. I don't have to fight them. I don't have to take on opinions head on. I just have to effectively carry the message in complete accordance with the principles and my experience. God will handle what other people need to hear.

Tonight my parents came to visit us and brought us a nice dinner. They delivered bad news about my sister. I had to resist telling them that I was overjoyed to hear this as I believe this may bring her to a point of willingness to change. I need to reach out to her.

Thanks be to God for a new awakening.

This Saturday evening my wife was out on a job and I had the kids by myself. I didn't get to do my review.

In the morning I remember that we watched religious programming. The Bible Stories cartoon was the story of the young blind man that Jesus healed with the mud. I almost came to tears 3 times. Once when he finally found Christ and was healed, once when afterward he persevered to find Christ and thank him, and lastly I cried for Caiaphas when in his troubles he laid down to sleep and put on his blinders.

At mid-day I took my son to sign up for baseball. Thanks be to God for providing us with a little extra unexpected income that enabled us to sign him up. My daughter went to the ballpark with us and afterward we went for a drive through a nice new neighborhood on a hill and got lost. I found a place overlooking the little community where they ballpark is. I would like to have a home at a place like that someday. Those moments on that little adventure on Saturday morning are what I live for. It was like a dream.

In the afternoon I took the neighborhood boys to practice baseball at the school park. I was a little cranky and hesitant but we were all motivated by the one boy that didn't get to go last time and the older boy who I am trying not to judge. We had fun and I got to give them all a little guidance. When we came home I rounded up our toddler children and drove them to the neighborhood park. The older boys walked to the park through our friends back yard. we spent an hour or so there and they all had a great deal of fun.

It was a busy day.

This morning I go to catch the closing mass of the family event in mexico city on the Catholic TV channel. were late getting ready for church but amazingly we made it into the van on time. My wife and I exchanged high fives. The toddler kids behaved terribly. But through it all I managed to stay calm and focused on the mass.

After mass I planned to go to the treatment center for the H&I meeting. I almost didn't go because my wife was irritable from the problems in the mass. I got there just as roll was being completed. They all applauded when I walked in. I was the only one there and I had to conduct the meeting. Fortunately I had meditated on the paragraphs from page 50-51 about the thousands of people worldly indeed and was prepared to bring that as a topic. Thanks be to God.

This afternoon I got to do some batting practice with my son in his net.

This evening I got to test my God consciousness by avoiding resentment when I got to make dinner and bathe all the kids while my wife slept. At one point I yelled loudly and suddenly at one one of the children. It was weird because I wasn't seething with resentment, it wasn't building up to that moment, it just suddenly cropped up and exploded. I realized that I was taking on too mush of the effort to be rid of it. I was not praying for God's help. I did so immediately. I need to prove that I am truly free from resentment by going and kissing her goodnight.

Thanks be to God for a great weekend.

Today I was blessed with an early rise. I was able to spend some time in focused meditation. I got to read the daily scriptures.

I was able to stay focused, creative, and paced at work. I was able to be a contributor at our meetings and our forum. I was able to avoid several instances of trouble that others were not able to avoid. I received a monetary blessing as well just in time for my son's baseball signup tomorrow.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting due to work meetings. On the way home I ran into a friend on his bike. He is a friend who is trying to stay sober. We had a long talk about the spiritual life. I was grateful for this as I did not get to go to m y meeting tonight.

I stayed home and watched the kids while my wife went to a meeting. I got to go to the meeting place and open up beforehand so I got to do some service.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I was afraid of what people think of me because of what I said about my faults and how I must admit the truth about my faults in order to be able to forgive others. I was afraid people will think I am a racist for admitting that I had racial hatred at one time in my life. I was afraid they would think that I was a rapist for admitting to exploiting drunk girld for sex. I was afraid that they would think that I was condemning them for saying that I need to forgive the racists and Hitler.

On my walk to the meeting I thought that I needed to be true to the word of God and that I need to only be worried about what He thinks. I will continue to pray for Him to correct me if I am wrong.

Today at noon I got to the 12 step meeting. We read about step 11, I got to read words that described our need for prayer as spiritual nourishment. I noticed that the reading referred to the mind, the emotions, and the intuition. I tried to talk about how I always thought that the key to my mental well-being was knowledge, physical fitness, and will-power. I remembered the vacancy that I felt even when I was at my most fit, even when I was financially secure, even when I had the most self-control, even when I was most knowledgeable.

We also read... "It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life."

This morning my wife got very angry at me for throwing away her 2008 calendar. It was inconsiderate o me to do so. I also made the mistake of commenting that she should talk to someone about it not just gripe at ne. This made her even more angry. I realized that I have been getting very worried that she is on the verge of a breakdown. I told her so and suggested that she talk to someone about it, maybe a professional. She has been suspiciously quiet and nice about it.

This afternoon I fell behind and after staying late 30 mi9nutes I had to leave things unfinished. I was afraid of consequences of this.

Tonight I must spend some time in meditation and let God do the work that only he can do.

Today I was resentful that someone was critical of an action at my job. I was afraid of the uncertainty of which action might bring about consequences.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. A person shared about a justifiable resentment. I got to speak about seeing the real unsavory truth about myself as the key to being able to forgive others.

I looked at a man in the meeting and I realized that I saw the boy from my neighborhood who I think stole my kids device. I saw that I must forgive that boy and be helpful to him.

I was interrupted and never got to finish this post - RS, 1-15-09

This morning I thought a lot about forgiveness eve for the most evil of men. I thought about how difficult it was to see and swallow the big chunks of truth about myself and see that I have the capacity for the most unsavory type of depravity. But in seeing this I saw that I was no better than the most evil of men. The insights were very beneficial but I believe that somehow I am being drawn into egoism over this.

Our meeting reading today was on step 11. I felt unprepared to speak about it, but probably heard what God needed me to hear and said what God needed me to say.

This evening the young boy who I suspect of sneaking into our house and stealing my son's electronic game showed up after being away for a month since the day that it went missing. I questioned him about it and didn't learn anything but I still feel resentful about it. I am not sure how to handle it. I believe that God wants me to forgive him. I believe that I must set boundaries but do must so without malice.

Amazing how I can know the capacity for forgiveness but struggle to execute it in the most simple of circumstances. I have to have God's help. God help me to see that this is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him.

There is the answer.

Thanks be to God

This morning I woke up late but got to work early. I had to make a call to skip breakfast. I got to work and there was a big breakfast event.

I was able to make the noon meeting. We read from page 67 - 69. I got to read the paragraphs about the "different angle" and about the power of forgiveness. I shared my analogy about the full swing with forgiveness as the follow through.

I realized afterward that there was more that could be said. I remembered about how my mind always clung to a few, a very minuscule number, .001 percent of people like Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, or Charles Manson who were sociopaths or patently evil.

I thought about how the personal inventory got me to look at the truth about myself. I had to list my faults before me and see that I had many of the character defects that I loathed in others. I saw that I had the capacity for violence, bigotry, sexual deviancy, exploitation, oppression, and hate. I was just fortunate that I didn't take these any further than I did.

I was able to swallow the truth about myself when I looked at my faults as shortcomings as a disease of the character than an evil nature. Through this perspective my internal defenses dropped and I became able to admit much more truth than I previously could. This is still ongoing today.

But something else happened that opened up a whole other level of spiritual power and healing. I was guided to view the disease concept as the basis for wrong doings of others just as I did for me. Since then the history of evil men has made a lot more sense to me. There was now and explanation for how good kids could go on to be men who did terrible wrongs. Had my circumstances been different, had I been in the wrong environment at the wrong time, had I been in with the wrong people at certain times of my life, how I had more money, power, influence, my defects could have been nurtured to the extent of evil.

I can look at the evil man and say but for the grace of God there go I.

That doesn't mean that what they did was right or somehow diminished. That doesn't mean that I have to like what they did or rationalize it as something not so bad. That doesn't mean that the deeds of evil men don't demand justice. It just means that I must separate the wrongdoings from the person and I must view the person as a victim of the evil also. I must see the person as another child of God caught up in the potential for evil of this world. Also I must check that the hate, even for an impersonal evil does not fester within me.

The Co-Anons really taught me to differentiate the person from the addict. People of faith taught me to love the sinner even if I hate the sin. AA taught me to treat them like sick people too.

This evening I had to practice a little forgiveness with my wife.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I did breakfast for the kids again. I remembered to make sure not to give them to much sugar before mass. I thought some about the many gifts of Christmas that I received this year. I wasn't thinking about the material gifts but rather of the gifts of new insights on the birth of the Lord. I caught a program about a rather interesting lady who was a news anchor in a major market but had a mid-life crisis and returned to the faith.

We all made it to mass on time and in good spirits. The toddlers misbehaved some but I saw that the practice we have been doing is making a difference.

Our deacon gave the homily and incredibly he spoke about having received many new insights into the Christmas meaning. Many of the things that he spoke about were those that I experienced...
The Star of Bethlehem as a divine luminescence that announced to those who believed that the messiah was coming.
The magi as being symbolic of God being revealed as Lord above of all kingdoms and all faiths.
The manger was a feeding trough symbolic that the Lord is given to feed us.
The consecration of the Lord in the temple and the intuitive recognition of some there that he was the messiah.
The Lord as coming to the world in human form, as a child, in a humble life that we might know how much he loved us.
The baptism of the Lord to show that he was publicly consecrated by the Holy Spirit.
The power of the Lord to heal us from sickness.
The gift of redemption from our sinful lives on earth.
The gift of eternal life in heaven.
The salvation from another mass extinction.

This morning I had to make a decision about whether or not to go to the treatment center meeting after mass. I went back and forth about it but finally decided that it would be selfish and inconsiderate to my wife since I have been to meetings teh past two nights. I also had the intuition that she needed to run important errands. I weighed this with the service that I owe the guys and I recalled that God needs for me to be a mentor for my family in recovery as much as them. I must always consider the balance of what God allots for me and act in accordance with His will.

While she ran her errands, I got to play washers with the oldest neighborhood kid. It was a stiff competition and he beat me twice but I came back to beat him on the last toss of the last game. Afterward I got to take my son and 2 of his friends to the park and practice baseball. Two other kids and their grandfather came to the ball field and joined us. One of the kids was an 8 year old like my son and the other was his 4 year old sister. We had a great little time and did good work. When I came home I was inspired to get out a bucket of balls and play catch with my toddler kids.

This evening my wife had a staff get together for her company. I had to do dinner and care for and bathe the kids.

Thanks be to God for a great and fruitful day.

This Saturday I woke up thinking of a model of the will. I thought about the core of the will being instinct, intellect, and intuition.

instinct - the automatically programmed needs and emotions, sex, survival, fear, etc.
intellect - The thinking, computation, conception, etc.
intuition - The decision making and inexplicable inspiration like art, epiphany, creativity, etc..

I got the kids up and going and handled breakfast for them. I took on a project to make special pancakes for my autistic son. It took a lot longer than I thought and attending to the kids degenerated into a little chaos. By the end of the morning my energy dropped off.

My wife left at mid-morning for a staff retreat and was gone all day until 4:00. At mid-day the kids started getting more and more boisterous and I started having to hand out punishment and correction. I didn't have enough energy to keep up with them. I kept dozing off while they played and got into things and had disagreements with each other. I had to give sentences and timeouts and they didn't cooperate. I finally had to hand out naps. I raised my voice a few times, but refrained from yelling. I gave my oldest son a swat as a last resort. At one point he had mid-nap surrender but I didn't give in and made him take an hour.

Tomorrow I should try and make sure that I stay on top of their behavior and watch out to avoid raising my voice or hand at all.

By afternoon I felt wiped out, I got the dishes done but not much else. I managed to get outside in the late afternoon and do some minor yardwork.

My son and I played washers and we had some memorable fun. There was this one particular moment when he made two ringers. I let him win twice and he had a good experience.

My wife suggested it might be good for me to get out of the house and go to a meeting. She was right, I got to go and have great fellowship and heard inspired thoughts.

Thanks be to God

I think that today God granted me special graces and perseverance at work.

This evening I got to go to the Book Study meeting. We read the personal story "Empty on the Inside". I related to the author where she spoke of being a neglectful parent. I experience that same sense of vacancy when I didn't have enough love to give to my child. I remember feeling like I was sucking the life out of him rather than nurturing him with the love that he needed in such a critical and vulnerable time in his development. I remember being hung over and feeling empty, remorseful, and hopeless. and then holding him tight and getting the only sense of meaning present in my life.

I also related to the author when she spoke of feeling like everyone else had been handed the instructions in life except her. I felt like this even though I did have a good set of life skills. I was good at my jobs, good at academics, good at getting along with people, good at arts, good at sports, good at health and hygiene, a good citizen, etc., etc. But I still felt like everyone else had the instructions to life and I missed it. I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't keep intimate relationships, I couldn't find meaning in life, I couldn't live up to my potential, I couldn't stop getting high. It was like the life skills wheel I saw at the middle school, there was an empty hole in the middle where God should be.

The Big Book taught me the model of correction of my inner self and how to connect to God at the center. Thus my life skills have become better formed and truly useful. I now have meaning and purpose and love in my life and I can be useful to other people. I am blessed with children that I do not neglect and I no longer feel empty on the inside.

This Thursday I went to the noon meeting and we read about step 10 from the 12 and 12. We read the paragraphs about the day's ledger and about our capacity for rationalization of justifiable correction, abuse, and resentment toward others.

After work my oldest son asked me to practice football with him. In the middle of our practice he asked me about how Adam and Eve discovered that kissing made babies. I explained to him that God designed this. I asked why he was asking. He told me how some of his classmates were kissing and that their DNA was going to mix and make babies. I hada to explain to him that there was more to it. That a man and woman had to sleep together and make kisses and hugs and when there private parts touched that the DNA was exchanged and that this is how babies were made. He replied, "so that is what is called sex!". I coughed and said "Yes, have you heard about this?" he said yes, that he had heard from his friends. He said "I don't want my father and mother to be having sex!".

This evening at home I almost got in an argument with my wife over future plans. As our discussion got heated I had to recognize that these were future events that merited some discussion but not decisions, expectations, or worry now. I had to pulll my opinions out of the discussion.

I did church practice with the kids and I remembered to resist anger, yelling, and spanking. I gave them love and hugs and assertive correction.

My wife griped at me later for some inequity that she felt and I had to stop my defensive argument. I had to just let her work through her feelings and let go of mine.

I fell asleep while meditating to write this review.

Last night I didn't get enough sleep.

Today I was buried at work and I was afraid that I would never get caught up.

I got to go to the noon meeting and we read the last paragraphs of We Agnostics and the first paragraphs of How it Works.

I finally got caught up late this afternoon and I managed to avoid any major problems.

We practiced sitting for church tonight. I was quick to gripe and spank the kids. During the homily the priest was saying that we should always be willing to correct the sinner but always with love. He talked about how God always loves us even when we don't love him. He said we should always love the sinner even if we hate the sin. We should always correct with gentleness and love.

I made amends to the kids with apologies and hugs. From that point on I made it a point to be kind to them even when I needed to be assertive.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a dream that I slipped and fell in some soft grass in a ditch by a road. I was so tired that I laid there for just a second but I drifted off to sleep. Then i realized that my arm and shoulder were in an ant pile but I couldn't wake up no matter how hard that I tried. I seemed to rise up out of a deeper sleep into a lighter sleep and I woke up.

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We read about step 10 from the 12 x 12. As I closed I got apologetic for rambling. But a guy said quietly that what I said was helpful.

I had a busy day at work. Toward the end of the day someone mocked an initiative at work and I joined in a little. A short time later I was speaking to the person who came up with the idea. I realized that what I did was a sin.

This evening I got the kids back on track with practicing church. We watched the mass of the feast of the Epiphany.

Thanks be to God for another blessed day.

Today was a VERY busy day at work but I avoided any major issues, thanks be to God.

I got to go to the noon meeting. On the way there the jail shuttle bus stopped right in front of me at a street intersection. I had a moment of gratitude for a second chance in life. The only seat available was in a place where I had to read and share immediately. I got to read 2 paragraphs from page 52 including the bedevilments.

I thought about how I accepted the need for a higher power as a mental health issue. I had a disease that centered in my mind. I had never considered that this might be the value of belief in a higher power. That it might give me the basis for a spiritual life, that a spiritual life would at least improve my outlook on life and at best might improve my thinking. I always thought that belief in God was out of fear and superstition and was not relevant to my real life. I thought that if there were a reason to believe that it was only related to the afterlife.

I had problems with my decision making. I could see that if I could make better decisions then I would not have the problems that lead to my misery. Perhaps if I could follow a strict code of morals like religious people then a lot of the chaos in my life would be stopped.

Perhaps even a clear cut decision making process would end the internal strife in my mind. Perhaps a belief in God was the power that would stop the debate and rationalization that took place at the start of every thought.

The chapter We Agnostics helped me see that I needed to take a new look at my objections to faith and a higher power. I needed to re-think and re-consider all of my current beliefs starting with the practical benefits of faith.

I didn't have to fully define, explain, or comprehend the nature of God, I just needed to decide to believe.

From that time on, Jesus began to preach and say,
“Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.”

He went around all of Galilee,
teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the Gospel of the Kingdom,
and curing every disease and illness among the people.

Today my wife and kids were away on a trip. In the morning I went to my parents house for breakfast. We had a wonderful time talking and reminiscing and just being together like we used to be when I was a child. We talked about some things that we really needed to talk about and I sense us growing closer in love. My mom made a feast and we had some good laughs about the show I watched about gluttony.

It was nice to drive and run errands on a peaceful Saturday morning like I used to do before I had 3 more kids.

I did some chores and cleaning around the house and got a haircut so I felt a sense of accomplishment with the day.

Tonight I got to go to the Saturday night meeting. There were 70 people there. The guy that brought the topic was an old sponsee of mine who I could not get to do spiritual maintenance steps and has been a chronic relapser. He brought the topic on spiritual maintenance steps.

I talked to a friend after the meeting about struggles with obstinate sponsees. I got to suggest to him that he focus on carrying the message well and on how it keeps him sober rather than on whether the other guy gets it or stays sober.

Thanks be to God for a productive day.

I was grateful that I have a good job to go to today. I got up early enough to make it on time. I got up early enough to pray.

Today was a very busy day at work. It seemed that I was busiest of all. It dawned on me that I could have gotten resentful about that.

I got to go to the noon meeting there were only 4 other people there. I remembered that the guy who was a long term GSR for the group said that that meeting used to be so large that another meeting spun off of it.

I got to go to 3 meetings today. I don't believe that I need to go to that many meetings but I just felt so grateful to be sober this New Year that I had to go. I got the opportunity to go to the 5:45 meeting at the big meeting in my part of town because my wife and kids are out of town.

At that meeting I was surprised at how few actually shared about the program itself. I heard about people's struggles and I heard emotionally charged testimonies and I heard the latest one-liner. But, I didn't hear much about the practices that produce the connection to the power. I didn't hear much about the psychic change.

I made it a point to speak up.

I got to go to the Big Book study in my addiction fellowship. There was very low attendance due to a speaker meeting across town. But we read "Gutter Bravado" and there was a new guy there.

I miss my family but I am grateful for the silence.

Thanks be to God for the job he has given me.

This morning I woke up early with my son and I was grateful that I didn't have to drink last night.

Today I read a Grapevine article and I realized that it is now step 1 month. I decided that I would do step 1. I thought about admitting and about being powerless and about having an unmanageable life. I thought I was ready and then I remembered that I was leaving out the most important part, WE.

I thought about how I could not really do step 1, WE have to do it. I thought about the CA meeting tomorrow night. Then I realized that I should go to an AA meeting because today it is about being grateful for not DRINKING.

I spent all day with the kids, I fed them, and prayed with them, and guided them, and loved them. I took my son to the store in the afternoon on an errand. The other son watched me fix my bikes so that we can ride. I washed both vehicles as the day ended.

I had made up my mind to go to the AA meeting but I got busy and it almost got too late. As I was backing out of my driveway my son was looking at me longingly. I almost didn't go out of remorse. Then I remembered that I needed to do step 1. I remembered that I was there for him all day today and if it were not for step 1 I would not have been there at all. My heart felt a little lighter as I drove away. I waved and smiled at him and he seemed to know that it was worth it to give up Daddy for just a little while.

The meeting was a really good meeting about "I AM A MIRACLE" and powerlessness. I saw several friends there and the things shared gave me a lot to think about. However, I left the meeting feeling disappointed because I did not share. After the meeting I found a newcomer and spoke to him. On the way home I called a friend and shared my gratitude. Before I did this review I transcribed my thoughts on Spiritus Contra Spiritum. I realize now that I was not meant to share tonight in the meeting. I was meant to be made aware, spiritually aware, of the truth about myself.

Today I had to resist some desire but I gave in some. Today I found my self taking glee in someone Else's loss out of envy for what they had that I didn't. Today I got angry at my wife briefly in my thoughts.

Dear God please forgive me for my sins and help to do better tomorrow.

Amen