This morning I was afraid of what people think of me because of what I said about my faults and how I must admit the truth about my faults in order to be able to forgive others. I was afraid people will think I am a racist for admitting that I had racial hatred at one time in my life. I was afraid they would think that I was a rapist for admitting to exploiting drunk girld for sex. I was afraid that they would think that I was condemning them for saying that I need to forgive the racists and Hitler.

On my walk to the meeting I thought that I needed to be true to the word of God and that I need to only be worried about what He thinks. I will continue to pray for Him to correct me if I am wrong.

Today at noon I got to the 12 step meeting. We read about step 11, I got to read words that described our need for prayer as spiritual nourishment. I noticed that the reading referred to the mind, the emotions, and the intuition. I tried to talk about how I always thought that the key to my mental well-being was knowledge, physical fitness, and will-power. I remembered the vacancy that I felt even when I was at my most fit, even when I was financially secure, even when I had the most self-control, even when I was most knowledgeable.

We also read... "It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life."

This morning my wife got very angry at me for throwing away her 2008 calendar. It was inconsiderate o me to do so. I also made the mistake of commenting that she should talk to someone about it not just gripe at ne. This made her even more angry. I realized that I have been getting very worried that she is on the verge of a breakdown. I told her so and suggested that she talk to someone about it, maybe a professional. She has been suspiciously quiet and nice about it.

This afternoon I fell behind and after staying late 30 mi9nutes I had to leave things unfinished. I was afraid of consequences of this.

Tonight I must spend some time in meditation and let God do the work that only he can do.