This morning I was late waking up. I was tired after a long day alone with the kids and a lot of housecleaning on Saturday. The kids were awake and getting into spats about my oldest son harassing the others to watch his magic tricks and harassing my wife and I to wake up. I angrily yelled at them so that my wife would wake up and handle it because I wanted to sleep. This was selfish of me and I was resentful about the whole magic thing that my wife got my oldest kid into. Fortunately she didn't hold it against me but I still felt guilty for being that way to the kids (God's kids).

I was afraid that we would be late getting to church and be stressed out. Fortunately I caught myself in these feelings ad decided to take it easy. My wife got up well before me and took unexpected initiative to get the kids well prepared. We got there on time and in good spirits. The kids were unexpectedly well behaved. Thanks be to God.

Today was Pentecost Sunday. Fr. Charlie Van Winkle presided over the mass and our Fr. Barry gave a great homily. It was a spiritually moving experience and a special treat for us. During the communion I watched my son take communion in the normal mass and I felt very proud of him. I found myself a little distracted and the thought came to me that I should be especially focused on this day. I turned my thoughts to God and made an effective spiritual communion. I've got to get back into the confessional so that I can take the Eucharist. Fr. Charlie's Holy Boldness exhorted me back to a deeper spiritual life.

After the mass I went to the treatment center meeting. I was the only one there. The attendant said that no one made it last week. I talked about the insanity that we talked about in our meeting the night before. But, the meeting gravitated to talk about the cross addiction with lust. It was a great meeting with a lot of guys coming up to me afterward and saying that they appreciated our discussion.

This evening I sat the three little kids on the couch and my oldest son did a magic show for us. I was wonderful to watch him perform and to watch the other kids enthusiastically participating. As I write this I am pleased that he is doing something he likes just for the fun of it.

My wife got some attention and comments tonight about how nice she looks having lost a lot of weight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I had a dream that I was so drunk that I stumbled into a muddy ditch and fell on my face and was passing out there. I thought that I migt drown but I was more afraid that I would be rescued and caught drunk. As I woke up I found myself indulging lustful feelings that started in my sleep. I had to work to turn away from them and to align to God's will. The thought came to mind of how these feelings perpetuate themselves and grow into stronger feelings which become more demanding. I had to think about how these feelings lead to my discontent and can never truly be satisfied. I thought that maybe I have been entertaining low level lust in small doses and perhaps this is accumulating and related to my using dream and the stronger feelings that I woke up with.

Ultimately I must strive to turn away from these thoughts based on my third step commitment rather than trying to think through reasons why.

My wife left on a job early today. Before she left she spotted some insects on the floor. She was very exasperated about this and kept speculating on why we had them. I kept giving the same reason; because the house is filthy! The implication was that she doesn't clean well enough. She got very angry and we bickered about it. When went to her job I was so exasperated myself that I decided that the only thing I was going to do today was a massive cleanup. I spent all day doing this.

I had to turn away from resentment and pray repeatedly.

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I began trying to get sober in twelve step fellowships I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Today I felt like I made a little more constructive accomplishment in the morning. I noticed that I felt a lot more trusting in God to provide for my family today.

Then we sold some things and made a few dollars. Then we received a letter confirming that I will receive unemployment compensation.

I regretted that I didn't make a better effort to make it to the noon meeting today but then my mom called unexpectedly and came by with some much needed gifts.

In the afternoon I blew up a kiddy pool for the kids. It was a lot of work but well worth it to see the kids having so much fun.

An old friend came by and bought a TV from me today and filled me in on the state of my old workplace.

My son discovered a song today that I listened to when I was young. It was "Barracuda" by Heart. We looked up and watched the videos from 1976. I saw the difference between the young, thin singer and the older, larger woman. I thought about how difficult it must be to live with a weight disorder. I was grateful that my wife has addressed this issue. I thought about how I need to develop eating disciplines for my children so that they might avoid this from happening to them.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I helped my younger son get off to a good start by waking up early. I also got to pick him up at school. I love his enthusiasm when he sees me. He told me that he wants me to pick him up every day.

Today I thought some about the idea that the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is incongruous with the Big Book. I found it on a web site and even read about the same sentiment there. After looking at this some more I can't find any reason to think so. I think it actually just expands on it some especially in the area of character defects.

I didn't feel like I accomplished anything today as I was mostly taking care of the kids. I don't feel real bad about this but I did have to turn away from fear at times. But I did get to have a relaxing day and just take it easy.

Before it got hot I got to mow the front lawn.
I got to stand in the shade and water the grass.
I got to push my daughters on their swings for as long as they wanted.
I got to practice tossing washers.
I got to clean the kitchen.
I got to take an afternoon nap.
I got to read about psychology, meditation, and eastern religions.
I got to do origami with my son.

Tomorrow I plan to clean the fridge.
I can edge the yard.
I can visit friends and go to a meeting during the day.
I can trim branches.
I can evaluate some electronics for resale.
I can clean the windows and dust.
I can shampoo the chairs.
I can sand and stain the deck.
I can print and compile a step-work manual.
I can solve my blog issues.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had dreams of temptation.

I got back to reading the daily scriptures this morning.

This morning I got gripey at my wife when I couldn't figure out where to take my kid at his school. I got resentful because I was afraid of what they would think of me for not knowing what to do. I blamed my wife but it was my fault for being prideful.

I made amends to her this morning.

Today I had this point when I felt like things are looking worse and worse in my financial and job situation. Then at some point something made me remember my new outlook. I remembered that God has infinite resources and I must believe that He will provide all I need if I stay close to Him and perform his work well.

This evening I got to go to a meeting at a friend's house. I was very uplifted by what was shared and I enjoyed our fellowship before and after.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got my youngest son out of bed but then went back to sleep. I then overslept until 9:00. I regretted this and made a vow to get to bed on time tonight. Before starting this post i started to watch the news but remembered my vow. It doesn't seem like a big deal but this is one of those small ways that I must learn to deny my impulses in order to be disciplined.

Today I made some constructive work search accomplishments by finalizing my resume update and updating some work search website profiles. I am also developing a methodical work search task system.

This afternoon I practiced baseball with my oldest son. Then my younger one went and got his ball and glove. He threw and caught about twenty throws. He also tried to throw with proper form. I was so proud that I wanted to cry.

This evening I got to go to the 12 step meeting.

I am going to bed now, thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start and had a good sense of direction, I was glad to be back at home. After a lot of housecleaning and children maintenance I lost my sense of order. I tried my best to give my fear of this over to God.

The last two days I have been away on a trip and wasn't able to do a written review. I want to look back over the last two days to do some spiritual house cleaning and find my sense of order.

This Friday morning I had a very difficult time focusing on prayer. I repeatedly tried but had drifting thoughts. I finally had to stop and do some centering meditation. It worked and my restless mind became settled and focused.

During this period I had a thought about offering a friend of mine the use of my boat for his holiday trip. I called him and offered this but we ended up having a great talk about or spiritual lives.

He never called me back about the boat.

This Saturday morning I got resentful at my wife for insisting that we leave early on our trip but it blew over. we had a fun drive and a good day with the in-laws. It wore me out to constantly chase the kids and prevent things from getting broken. But we went to a couple of parks and this helped.

Saturday night my son and I thought we heard scampering footsteps in our room. I had to tell him that it was probably a cat on the roof. But it didn't sound like it was outside to me.

I had nightmares about an entity attacking and trying to devour me. I remember being in the grasp or jaws of a great beast an the more I fought the tighter the grasp. I had to surrender the fight in order for God to defeat the creature. It was very much like the dreams that I used to have when I was new in the spiritual life.

Sunday morning I felt very bad that we didn't plan better and attend mass.

I got the opportunity to have a great conversation about the recovery experience and the spiritual life.

We went to a Major League baseball game with my son's little league game. We had a great time even though our seats were in the nosebleed section and our team lost. We got to see Josh Hamilton hit a nome run. I don't think it was a coincidence that he just happened to be playing in that game.

I had just as much fun seeing the city's downtown site as going to the game and I made some fond memories with my kids that day.

After the game we had some difficult disagreements because I insisted on coming home rather than staying another night. Thankfully my wife came around and it was wise because everyone was at their limit.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting and we talked about overcoming our closed mindedness. I got to give a good friend and spiritual guide a ride home and have a good talk.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I took more strides to becoming organized and motivated.

Later I got to spend some time helping my parents with some errands. The lifetime amend process is continuing. My mom told me that my wife and I have great capabilities that she feels we will be able to use to find our livelihood.

In the afternoon I picked up a call from a friend of my wife's. He is undergoing a difficult, life threatening medical crisis. We got to have a great talk about his difficulties and efforts to overcome them. Thanks be to God for words to encourage him.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was being of maximum service to God and the people about us.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I felt like I found some moments of focus in the chaos of the tasks swirling in my mind. This feeling was fleeting but I worked on some daily task management and planning ideas. I committed myself to formulating this this week.

I got to go to my #2 son's field trip to the park today. He had a blast and was very happy to have me there and I loved seeing him playing in the water and laughing and jumping with delight. I was grateful for the opportunity to go. There was a small girl in his class that was born premature who is fed through a tube that made me very grateful for the life that God gives us.

This evening was my #1 son's baseball season closing ceremonies. I was resentful at the coaches that he didn't get picked for the all stars and some boys that are not as good as he is did get picked.

I am afraid that he will lose his joy in life because he doesn't get the trophy or the honor after trying so hard and doing so well.

I am not trusting or relying upon God enough at some level.

I feel like I let him down for not making a better effort to coach or get him on a good team.

I am grateful that he got to learn the meaning of loyalty, effort, sacrifice, and integrity this year. I am grateful that because of his contribution his teammates didn't have to be the team that lost all their games this year. I am grateful for the sacrifice that God made for me and I see that my suffering is laughable compared to God's.

Thanks be to God for a great life for my children.

Today I had the feeling that I have many things to do but I just can't sort them out. I took care of my musts this morning and then I went for a bike ride. I took the ride with the idea in mind that I would clear my mind and sort through my tasks. I felt good afterward but I was no closer to order.

I was inspired to send emails to my ex-bosses and coworkers today expressing gratitude for being able to work with them. This is truly a gift from God. It would be natural to just be afraid and pissed off at them but God has shown me a better way. I frequently observe that the biggest problem in this world is the unforgiveness in the hearts of men. Today I got the opportunity to forgive men in one of the greatest trials of my life. I get to end the cycle of unforgiveness. If I die tomorrow I would feel like I accomplished the greatest goal in life.

It was a good day.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start and helped my wife with the kids. I had so many things to do that I couldn't stay focused. I had to do things related to m job status but I wanted to do household chores and maintenance. I did manage to get many good tasks done.

In the evening I got to meet with a sponsee and we finished his 12 step work.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we baptized my youngest daughter. It was a very moving and spirit filled event for me and all the stuff that I was worried about did not matter. We sat in the front row and I felt very focused on the Lord. I kept watching the heat rise up from the candles and I imagined it was the presence of the Holy Spirit just like I did when I was a boy. There was a moment when father asked the congregation to welcome in the children with applause and my daughter smiled, laughed, and kicked.

I remembered that when I was talking to my dad yesterday I told him how I felt ashamed that my daughter was being baptized so late. He told me a story of when he and my mother were asked to be godparents for a friend but before the baby was born it was breached. My parents had to go to the hospital at 3:00 AM to attend the baptism for the deceased baby. I was able to release my self centered anxiety and fully appreciate the privilege that my child get's to receive this sacrament.

After the mass I went to the meeting at the treatment center. It was a great meeting, we brought a good topic, and we on the panel didn't talk too much. The patients asked good questions also. One thing that I remember is a guy asked each of us what our recovery activities are like each day. I wish I would have answered a little more concisely.

Last night I did written inventory and prayer before bed.
This morning I started my day with prayer, meditation, and a spiritual reading.
Throughout the day I have striven to maintain conscious contact with my higher power and live the spiritual life in all of my affairs.
I went to 4-5 meetings this week, at least one of those is in the addiction fellowship.
Every day I make sure to have a personal conversation with someone in the fellowship and I make sure my sponsor is one of them at least once a week.
I sometimes get the privilege of doing intensive personal work with another addict.

I work 40 hours a week, not much more.
I have a wife and 4 kids and I make sure that I spend due time and attention with them.
I have little league baseball with my son.
I have a home and vehicles to maintain.
We try to ride bikes and play outside.
We practice our religion and go to church.

This evening I felt compelled to go to the meeting at my home group. I wondered why and questioned whether I should go or not. The topic was the joys of the fellowship. That is why I went.

Thanks be to God.

Today each time I felt afraid or depressed about what we I am going to do to provide for my family I turned my thoughts to God's infinite resources and tried to believe with all my will that he will take care of us.

I strive to believe that He will give me a better job.
I strive to believe that He will put me in a better place to do His work.
I strive to believe that He will provide for us financially.

A thunderstorm struck in the middle of my son's baseball game today but his team won and he played well. The league had a barbecue event today that went on despite the rain. This all made for quite an adventure.

I got to spend some time with my father today and talk about the ups and downs of life and how faith helps. His words about the struggles of his mother and father were uplifting to me.

I realized today that one of the sources of my depression and fear is my pride of intellect. It offends me that I fail because I cannot remember information. This is not the only time this has happened to me, just the worst. I saw the common thread of resentment for people who measure intellectual capacity by the ability to memorize information.

I am valuing too much what people think me.
I am over valuing this particular ability.
I am not accepting God's work at some level.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got off to a decent start after a good night's sleep. I was grateful for the way that God provided a resolution to my dilemma last night and got me to bed on time.

I remembered to wish my wife a happy birthday as soon as she woke up.

Work was stressful for everyone as we were issued an ultimatum and 4 of us were placed on probation to bring up our test scores. We had to do 3 1/2 hours of meetings, take a test (A quiz) that our job depended on, and keep up with the support requests of an 8 hour shift. I tried my best to rely on God to manage my stormy emotions.

At the end of the day I got fired. It was very difficult to walk through it as it unfolded. It was difficult for the fear of what would happen to my family. It was difficult because of the indignity of having to pack my stuff in front of everyone. I tried my best to turn my thoughts to the bright side of things. I thought of how God would get us through it as he always does. I thought of how I could be an example of the power of faith.

When I called my wife I dreaded having to break this news to her. She surprised me greatly by offering immediate words of encouragement. I was even more astonished by her upbeat attitude. She was exactly what I needed.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help but feel considerably despondent. I kept watching this and turning it over and had to lay down for a while when I got home.

Later I was at home alone when the phone rang, it was my father-in-law. I wondered why he was calling. I was too busy to answer it. Then I had a random thought of what if he was calling to ask my wife if I was interested in some job that was available. I kinda chuckled at the absurdity of my thought but then it occurred to me that this is exactly the type of thing that God will do for me.

All of a sudden the thoughts of the bright side became truly real and effective. My fears faded and my outlook became highly optimistic. My spirits were exalted!

The rest of the evening went along good but I caught myself griping at the kids a little too disrespectfully at times.

I am looking forward to making confession.
I am grateful that I may have some time to catch up at home.
I am grateful that I will have more time for meetings at my home group.
I am grateful that I was let go Friday & didn't have this hanging over me all weekend.
I am grateful that I will have time for step-work.
I am grateful for the door that will soon open for me.
I am grateful for faith in this low spot.

I resolve to cheerfully capitalize on this as an opportunity to demonstrate God's omnipotence.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I didn't get to sleep until late even though I thought I was getting to bed early. This morning I had a hard time getting up. Then I was afraid that I was in for a long day because we have practice and concession duty this evening. I tried to keep an open mind and remember that God has a way of solving my seemingly insurmountable circumstances in a way that i can never see beforehand.

At work I was steadily busy all day. I am grateful that I was able to handle the potential pitfalls and minefields that came up.

I got to go to the meeting at noon. Once again I questioned going for no apparent reason. As I stepped out on the street corner there was a stiff almost cool breeze. I enjoyed it for a moment then I thought about how the hot, humid, oppressive summer is starting and I had a feeling of dread. I immediately recognized my old resentment and discontent over the stupid weather. I thought of what's truly important in life and I gave it to God. My new perspective and gratitude immediately returned and the old resentment was gone.

At the meeting we read about step 10 and emotional sobriety.

After work I got to talked to some relatives about their family member in early recovery.

This evening when my wife offered to do the concession duty and the coach offered to let me drop my son off at practice and to bring him home. I got to stay home with the kids and they all got bathed and off to bed early. It was my easiest and most gratifying evening of the week.

Amazing how God has a way of solving my seemingly insurmountable circumstances in a way that i can never see beforehand.

Thanks be to God.

Today I am grateful for energy, initiative, an resilience to make it through the workday. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.

I got to go to the meeting at noon.

In the evening I made a rope swing for the kids.

Thanks be to God I am going to bed early.

This morning I got off to another late start but it wasn't as painful. I realized last night that my morning difficulties are rooted in large part to a return of the desire to sleep in. When this idea was squashed as an option then I got in the habit of getting out of bed as soon as I woke up.

At noon today I forced myself to trudge through my trepidation and go to the noon mass at the cathedral downtown. It was an awesome experience. As I was walking there the crowds on the street seemed more secular, atheistic, and hedonistic than usual. A lady passed me with a tattoo of a bat on her.


A business woman passed very close to me in a big hurry a few blocks away. She passed so close that I could smell her in the heat. When I got to the mass she was there. It wasn't a seductive experience or anything but it was just one of many small signals that I was being led there. Inside the cathedral it was like entering another world, like a cool, refreshing, haven from the depravity of the world outside. The colors seemed unusually bright and during the mass my ears starting ringing exceedingly loud.

Back at work I felt the most free from fear than I have in the last 3 weeks. I also felt more strongly than ever that God placed me in the middle of this city in this age to do his work... somehow - to be revealed.

I got to talk to a sponsee tonight.

This evening i got to take my son to practice and i had a renewed sense of service to these families.

A relative who just got out of treatment called me and I was pleased to hear that he went to a meeting.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I almost slipped back into my old slothful oversleeping. It really hurt to get out of bed. I had to pray intently to keep going. Predictably though, when I got going everything normalized.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read from the personal story, "Because I'm an Alcoholic". I though of how AA answered 2 major why's for me. Why can't I control and enjoy my drinking (and using)? Why can't I control and enjoy my life?

I didn't even know that I had these questions because of the confusion of my mental state even though I asked them innumerable times perhaps daily. AA helped me see that I had the questions the AA gave me the answers. I couldn't control and enjoy my drinking because I am an Alcoholic. I couldn't control and enjoy my life because I have a spiritual malady.

I was grateful for a decent day at work, not too busy and not too slow. We even got to watch the space shuttle launch.

I looked up the schedule for confessions at the cathedral downtown. They have them at noon. I must get in their asap.

Tonight I had a nice evening with the wife and kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday I got off to a good start waking up early with the kids and getting the dishes done and making a good breakfast for the kids. We watched several good religiouss programs together and we talked about the moral and spiritual lessons in each. The program about the Gospel today was about the mracles and healings of Jesus. I cried when the little boy who couldn't walk was healed and I was grateful that my children are of sound mind and body. I realized that this is a miracle in my life.

We had a baseball game at One o'clock. My son's team was beaten 15-0 and the game was called in the 3rd inning by the "mercy rule". I was very despondent over this. I struggled to process my feelings and to find words for the other parents and the coaches. I found myself telling the other
parents the same old story of how the kids on these teams come from the upscale neihgborhoods in the area of the league and how their kids have the best resources and train year 'round. I found myself wishing my son could be on one of those teams and have those resources. I felt resentful.

On the way home my son made the usual conversation that he does about the things that interest him like sports and bionicles but then he asked me an off the wall question. He asked me "Dad, what is envy?". I explained it to him but it didn't occur to me until later when we got home and I prayed about my resentment over the game that I needed to see that I was envious.

My wife went to work in the evening and I had to handle the evening routine with all the kids. We did have an interlude when we caught the end of the Astros game that they won and we all jumped around and did high fives. I love my kids but they wore me out and I went to bed exhausted without doing an evening review.

This morning I woke up more tired than usual. I thing I may have had an emotional hangover. We got to mass on time and all went well until just before communion when the two middle kids each had a melt down. My autistic son started spitting on another kid and then had a screaming fit when my wife moved him to me. I had to take him out and he fought me and screamed louder as we made our way out of the building. My wife said that people downstairs could hear him through the glass and were looking up. I was mortified and even worse I missed communion. I had to leave the building and wait outside.

When we got home I was a basket case. I withdrew into a quiet storm and all I could think was "don't think, don't think, silence...". I found my mind trying to blame my wife. I didn't want to go to the 12 step meeting at the rehab center but with my wife's encouragement I forced myself to go.

At the meeting I was the only guy there from outside presumably because it is Mother's Day. I was a little awkward but it was a good meeting and when I left my spirit's were lifted. I came home grateful for my family and proud of my kids.

We had a great afternoon and a Mother's Day dinner.

Thanks be to God and to his mother.

Last night I was afraid that I would be sick again today. I got up groggy but persevered and made it through the morning with only a slight cough. at times throughout the day I felt as if I were going to relapse (on my cold) by i did not.

It was a difficult, scary day for everyone at work as it was deadline day, testing, training, and meeting day. At the end of the day a guy got fired. Thankfully today it was not me.

I got to go to the noon meeting. I almost didn't go out of fear and distraction, even as I walked up the last block to the church. But I went anyway. We read from the story Crossing The River of Denial. I felt more inspired and passionate at a meeting than any in a long time.

As I walked away from work I had to pray repeatedly for got to take away my fears and I experienced that conversion again where my perception shifted from demoralization to feeling the luckiest man alive.

As I mowed the yard in the warm, breezy evening I thought about how helping others be grow free through the pursuit of perfect truth and love is the greatest accomplishment a man could strive for. Greater than creating material, financial, or career success.

I tried to hook up with a guy to do step-work but we missed each other.

We had a nice little evening at home.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got up and felt good enough to go to work but clearly I sounded bad and everyone could tell I was still sick. It was suggested that I go home and since I can work at home I did. But I was told that I need to take off, not work.

Thankfully I got the rest that I needed.

I felt worried about work but in the afternoon I had a conversion back to trusting in God.
I got to help my wife at home.
I got to attend my son's baseball practice.
I heard tonight that our purpose in life is to achieve perfection in truth and love.

Thank God for all His blessings today.

Today I was sick and couldn't go to work.

I am grateful that I can do some work from home.
I am grateful that I got to rest today.
I am grateful that I got caught up on my work project.
I am grateful for our comfortable home.
I am grateful that I feel better.
I am grateful for my wife who helps me recover.
I am grateful for my kids who lift my spirits.

I heard a guy talk of an extreme home makeover for the spiritual house. This concept immediately resonated with me. I realized that this expression is close to what I have ofter thought of when referring to the spiritual conversion. Perhaps the spiritual experience is an extreme makeover for the soul.

I got to talk to some friends of Bill tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I started getting sick. Thanks be to God that I was able to make it to work and get a lot done and make it to my son's baseball game.

The morning went well but around 10 or so I had this moment when the symptoms of my cold made it difficult to stay focused and on task. Then I may have passed a small kidney stone. These personal problems coupled with the looming task of a work project due friday that I was not able to work on put me in some distress. Thankfully the power of the Spirit removed my fear and kept me able to be effective.

I had to make a difficult decision to stay at work at lunch and miss the noon meeting due to the challenging circumstances at work.

At the ballgame I had to pray for a lot of help to keep my feelings in check. A person close to me was highly critical and sort of harassed the coaches. I wanted to detach from my expectations and just focus on building good relations and being supportive to the parents.

All went well and my son made me proud with his play. But he made me most proud with his sportsmanship and character when I saw him encouraging his teammates even when they didn't do well.

Thanks be to God.

Dear God,
Thank you very much for this day of life and all the good things you have done for me. Thank you for giving me willingness and for keeping me clean and sober. As this day comes to a close I ask that you help me to see my failings and to see Your blessings.
Was I resentful?
Was I afraid?
Was I selfish?
Was I dishonest?
Do I owe an apology?
Was I kind and loving toward all?
Was I thinking of myself most of the time?
What could I have done better?
Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?
Was I thinking of what I could do for others, of what I could pack into the stream of life?
Did I carry the message of Your power and grace today?
Did I appreciate when You helped me today?
Did I allow You to open my eyes to the truth today?
Did I trust in You - infinite God, to relieve my fears?
Did I accept life on Your terms?

---

As soon as I woke up this morning I had to turn over my fears and resentment of my job circumstances over to God.
I got to go to the noon meeting, we read from the personal story, "Student of Life".
I was able to get a lot done at work today.
At lunch and on the way home I thought about trusting in God much more intensely. I thought about really letting go of my past and present problems and living life as if I were the luckiest man alive. I thought about truly seizing the faith. Carpe Fides, seize the faith!

When I got hope I was cheerful and engaging with the kids. How lucky I am that God brings me so much joy. I don't have to be stressed out and mean to my kids.

I don't have to live in fear today.

This morning I was really tired and woke up late. Nevertheless I got up and made breakfast for the kids and we made it to church early.

The priest gave a homily in which he used an analogy of a person so dedicated to their job that everyone goes to them for answers. This he said was how dedicated we need to be to our spiritual vocation. He also talked about how with this dedication we should be able to walk through crisis, even job loss with peace of mind that comes from Christ.

Afterward I contemplated not going to the meeting at the rehab center because I was tired. But I decided that being a little tired was not a good reason not to go so I went.

I was glad that I went because I was the only guy from the south side there and I was the only one that identifies as a Christian. We talked about step 2. I thought about how the new concept of God as a power that would restore me to sanity resonated with me. I thought of the power of the force in star wars. I thought about how the jedi had to "trust the force". I thought about how they couldn't have that power until they relinquished their dependencies and practiced spiritual disciplines. I thought of spiritual fitness as being like physical fitness, it has some immediate gain but then requires continued exercises to build up strength, stamina, and endurance.

In the afternoon I got to continue my yardwork tasks and play with the kids.

I find myself slipping into fear and dread about returning to work. But, then I think of the alternate perspective of faith and I find peace.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday in the morning I thought about how resentment is re-feeling. I also thought about how the thing that is different about faith for me today is that is an active faith with a practical application, not just belief.

At work I and my teammates got our butts reamed in a meeting for doing poorly on some tests and system testing. We were threatened with multiple firings soon. One of our leaders said that we should imagine that there is a gun on the table and some of us are targets. He said that he thought about bringing an actual gun. During the meeting i managed to control my feelings and stay objective. I was able to restrain my tongue but speak up when necessary.

Afterward my thoughts quickly began to spiral into resentment fear and morbid reflection.

As the day progressed I had to pray and turn my thoughts to God's plan many times. I sensed that the balance was tenuous but by the time I got to baseball practice I was able to remember inside that God will provide for us and that my family and community life is what is really important. I got to talk to my dad about the spiritual life some before I was recruited to pitch.

We were late getting home and by the time we visited with my parents and bathed the kids (my wife was at work) I was exhausted and passed out without doing an evening review.

When we woke up the kids were very enthusiastic about their religious childrens programs. I was moved by a particular moment when Jesus asked the Pharisee "which man was the most neighborly?".

This morning we had an early baseball game and photo session. I was invited to stand in the photo even though I am officially not a coach.

It was a very close game but we lost by one point. My son played very well. I got to connect with many parents both on my team and not. Most importantly I got to talk to a guy who is trying to get on his sobriety feet.

My wife and I bickered about lunch but then we made amends. I talked to her about the turmoil at my job and she gave me strong words of support and encouragement that quickly made the feelings that were beginning to return go away.

In the afternoon I got to mow the grass and teach my son to mow. I got to cook some hamburgers and trim branches. I can't believe that I am looking forward to using my chain saw.

I passed by the 12 step meeting house and saw that they had cut down a giant oak tree next to the building. I was apalled and deeply saddened. I can't believe that people don't get something like that. I am sure that the people who made that decision had a good reason but I still can't believe it.

This evening my family and I went out to a very nice greenbelt and had a long walk.

Thanks be to God.