This morning I was pleased to wake up at a fairly early time.

As I went through the morning I ran across the website of a guy who does life coaching. This got me thinking about opportunities in a career in counseling that I hadn't considered. I went through a brainstorm of thinking about a change of career path. At one point I was ready to make the commitment but had to stop and think through it carefully.

This morning I thought about the concept of rational religion and rational spirituality. I realized that this is what I discovered when I had my spiritual experience. I also thought about how this concept will help me better express my approach to the spiritual life.

It was a beautiful day and I took the kids to the park.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up at 8:00 am and got the kids going by 9:30. I tried not to worry about it.

I wanted to remember the following from the daily scripture readings:

Do not love the world or the things of the world.
If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
For all that is in the world,
sensual lust, enticement for the eyes, and a pretentious life,
is not from the Father but is from the world.
Yet the world and its enticement are passing away.
But whoever does the will of God remains forever.

I also read the following from the chapter of Luke from which the gospel reading was taken:
...when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it.

At mid morning my wife got called in to work. This meant that I was without a vehicle and had to care for the kids all day.

I had the feeling like I was not doing the things that I should be doing and that I was living on borrowed time. However, I tried to be as productive as possible in home projects and cleaning.

After lunch I put the little one down for a nap and took the two tots out to the circle for bike riding.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting at the AA club in my old neighborhood. This club has a reputation for it's "progressive" atmosphere and tight knit membership which feels intimidating to me. I didn't want to go there for this reason but it was one of the only choices at 8:00 pm. Then it dawned on me that this is exactly where I need to go and that my approach is actually better suited for that type of atmosphere.

I talked about my experience with the lurking notion and how I learned that the lurking notion was not the secret desire to drink but rather the lurking notion that I was immune to alcohol. I also talked about how my relapses were preceded by a condition that I can only describe as a lurking notion that I was immune to powerlessness.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up early, thanks be to God.

I woke up thinking about the serenity prayer again.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

God, grant me - this starts by admitting that God is the power that restores me to sanity.

the serenity - serenity is control of the the self, the quieting of the storm within.

to accept - acceptance is something that comes with serenity and is a gift of grace from God.

the things I cannot change - There are things that I cannot change in the world, only God can.

courage to change - It takes courage to let go and let God decide what is to be changed. I can only find this courage from God.

the things I can - I don't place my dependence on changes of the outside world but changes within.

The wisdom - This is intuition that only comes from conscious contact with God. This can come progressively.

to know the difference - I can know the difference by applying the process of personal inventory. In time this can become an intuitive part of my conscience.

In the solitude of the morning I started my devotional routine and realized that I had not done this for 5 days because of the holiday clamor. In looking at the reflections on step 12 I was astonished to see that they corresponded to the insights that I received.

This morning I heard a word about perseverance from Fr. Corapi. He said that God does not just need our ability, He needs us in our vulnerability.

This morning I was mildly resentful that my wife slept late.
This afternoon I got to shop for a new pair of pants.
This evening my parents came and brought us my mom's beef soup. We got to spend time talking and laughing with each other. Most of it was real light hearted good times but the conversation turned to my sister who is dying. The conversation led us to talk about matters of faith. Afterward I was worried that I came on too strong. But then I was grateful for the opportunity.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and we were all slow getting started. After cooking and serving the kids breakfast and then cleanup, lunch came around too soon. After lunch I was very tired and never really got going. I had to accept that some housekeeping and leaf raking as the most productive things that I would do with this day.

I was afraid today about not being productive.
I was resentful that I was undisciplined.
I was resentful that my wife did not get out of bed earlier.

Today I thought some more about the spiritual gifts that I've received this Christmas.

Insight to address agnosticism - remembering that I simply need to speak about my own experience, speak in the frame of reference that the person relates to, and that I have been trained for this in step 12.

Step 12 Insight - Trying to carry this message gets me to think deeply (meditate) on the principles of the spiritual life and I get to receive this message.

The Christmas Spirit - It is better to give than to receive, from my step 12 meditation.

The serenity prayer has been on my mind the past three days. I have felt as if it is suddenly more meaningful for me.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I decided to go to the smaller men's group at our club rather than the larger mixed group at the other place whether I would have preferred to go. I was glad I went where I did in support of the fellowship at the group level.

I thought some more about my bad using dream yesterday. I thought about how the only part I remembered was the misery of coming down. The topic of the meeting helped me remember how self centered I was in the dream. I was grateful for my sobriety. I was able to contribute to the meeting and got a great sense of constructive accomplishment from this. I ended the day feeling productive.

During the Monday Night Football game tonight a guy got severly injured. The camera showed one of his team mates on a knee. He was a huge lineman with "Psalms 91" written on his nose tape. I got to read Psalms 91.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a dream that I had been smoking crack and had abandoned and lost our minivan. I was coming down and trying desperately to find the vehicle. I woke up groggy and wondering what time it was. It seemed like a long time passed and I prayed as I drifted in and out of sleep. When I woke more alertly I actually began to have several inspirational thoughts about the past few days.

I considered that we might not go to mass because I thought that I was late getting up. But I persevered and we got ready anyway and we made it. I was really glad that we did make it because today was the feast of the Holy Family.

The priest opened up with a prayer that I wanted to remember but couldn't in the clamor of kids and wife all day. I looked it up and found something close.

Let us pray for the unity of our family,
Father,
Please help us to live as the Holy Family,
United in love, respect, and faith,
Bring us joy and peace in our home,
Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Amen

This evening I stayed home and watched a football game with my son. Afterward I listened to Fr. Barron's sermon about what makes a family holy. His suggestion that a family should view their relationship to God as with a higher Will. That doing God's will in service is what connects one with a higher Power. It is doing God's will that makes a family holy just as with the person.

I will add mission to our family prayer: "May we carry these gifts in service to others,"

Let us pray for the unity of our family,

Father,
Please help us to live as the Holy Family,
United in love, respect, faith, and mission,
Bring us joy and peace in our home,
May we carry these gifts in service to others,
Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Amen

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up before everyone else and prayed and thought about yesterday's events. I thought about the way my wife's uncle brought a great deal of faith to the event in the midst of apathy. I wished I could have acknowledged this more to him for edification. I also thought about how this as a role model for me in spiritual leadership of my family. I also thought about how we all made a lot of insignificant small talk about sports and news events. I thought about how I could lead a conversation about the real meaning of the holiday. Perhaps I could play a game of questions leading everyone to talk about what and why we celebrate the birth of Christ and why it is important. I thought about how this could get everyone to answer from their differing perspectives and be a learning experience for all.

I also thought about how faith got me through my trying experience in the end. In the past I would have gotten overwhelmingly upset. I would have had to place an inordinate amount of blame on someone. I would have made a furious and rash decision probably to go home rather than spend the night as we did. I thought about what God was trying to teach me through this experience.

When we got home we had Christmas with my sister-in-law and nephew. It was a delicate situation as my parents did not choose to join us. I had to advise my wife that we could not control their actions, and we can control our attitude toward this, that we can have serenity and allow them to resolve their own relations. I then realized the significance of the serenity prayer as describing the fruits of the program.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was the carpet slippers and the bottle. I shared about my two relatives who gave up drinking without a program. I tried to contrast this with meaningful sobriety but couldn't come up with adequate words. I think that I did ok but afterward I thought of some very good insights that I would like to write about, perhaps in my blog.

I suddenly realized that God is blessing me with many spiritual gifts this Christmas.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning our sons began waking up for Christmas day at 4:00 am. We got up at 6:30. After doing Christmas morning here we drove to Houston (130 miles) to do Christmas dinner at my father in law's sister's home. I got pulled over for speeding on the way there. I was polite and respectful to the officer and didn't react or gripe at my wife. The officer let me off with a warning and a merry Christmas.

The dinner was at a very large estate in an upscale gated community. We had a great time even though we are not that close to them. It is interesting to see how we have changed. I was grateful that I didn't have to get stressed out over the drinks I was offered. I was grateful that I didn't have to get irritable over having to monitor 4 small children. I was grateful that the hosts said a prayer before dinner and expressed a great deal of faith. I was grateful that we get to have this experience.

I thought about how I used to behave at these events and what my wife's aunt and uncle must have thought of me then. I would be irritable, restless, and discontent. Today I get to experience tolerance, patience, and serenity in the midst of difficult circumstances. I also noticed that they have become more faith filled possibly as a result of going through life crises of their own. I also got to see my sobriety in contrast to another person's for whom it is a white knuckle struggle.

As we were leaving my father-in-law was waiting to back out and I felt rushed to get out of his way. As I backed up I turned too quickly and backed into a ditch. Our van was stuck and leaning precipitously. We were tired and restless but were stuck there and had to wait for a tow truck. I got embarrassed and uncomfortable. I felt like I was imposing and burdensome. I resolved to allow God to help me and was able to get the through the initial difficulty. we took the actions necessary and the situation was eventually resolved with no apparent damage to the vehicle.

Thanks be to God.

This morning early my wife and I were in a philosophical discussion and she exploded on me. I tried to contain my emotions but gave her some critical advice. I was worried that this could ruin our Christmas eve day so I tried really hard to give her some space and not antagonize her by demanding that it be resolved.

In the afternoon I took gifts to my neighbors and we got to talk a little.

This evening we went to mass and my son sang in the choir. My 4 and 5 year old sat next to the priest on the altar after the Gospel reading.

My parents came to visit after mass.

Thanks be to God for the incarnation this Christmas eve.

This Wednesday another extremely busy day. In the morning my wife's friend called at 9 am and I answered that my wife was asleep as she alwats is at that time of the morning. Apparently I was resentful.

I had to do a lot more yardwork. At mid day I took the kids on a gift shopping excursion. It was a big success, they behaved well and we got great little gifts for my wife.

In the evening we drove around to look at the lights and we ended up going to the capitol. My youngest daughter (2) said that it was a castle.

We got home late and went straight to bed.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got up late but a little earlier. I got the kids up and I felt like we made a stride to get back on schedule. I immediately thought that today would be a good day for a bike ride.

I washed dishes and fed the kids and then did a review for yesterday. I had the feeling that there was a lot that I wished I could remember from my thought life about spiritual matters from yesterday.

I spent all day doing yard work in preparation for the dinner my wife was having with her cousins at our home tonight. In the solitude of my work I sought to get back the thoughts that I had in previous days but could not find them. My son helped me and I was grateful to build a work ethic in him. Afterward we threw the football some.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was prayer and meditation. I tried to remember a recent epiphany that I had about this subject but I could not. At least I think that I could not. I believe I had the insight when I was speaking to my sister or thinking about our conversation.

Perhaps if I write them out I can remember:

It may seem like it is impossible for a person with a job, kids, house, cars, commitments, and responsibilities to do this consistently and effectively but I am proof that it can be done.

Morning prayer and meditation is the daily process of behavioral planning and programming that is the most essential skill that a person must perfect in order to achieve a high functioning life.

When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.

When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.

I spoke about it tonight and shared a tired old story. I felt disappointed in what I said because I don't think I made the main point well. Perhaps I am just placing excessive expectations on my self

When I got home tonight my wife said that her dinner was a success.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. after writing this I read back over some previous reviews and I think that i may have found the insight that I was looking for. I believe it was in the building of faith. I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith. I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious.

This morning when I woke up I was able to get straight through my prayers and meditation without struggle.

As the day began a good list of to-dos transpired for me. I was able to get them all done. I was able to take care of my financial tasks and able to do some things in prep for a big speaker meeting this weekend at the 12 step club.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We spoke about selfishness and self-centeredness from page 64 in the Big Book.

Afterward a friend spoke to me and asked about some used tires that I needed to sell. His tires are bald but he is getting larger rims in a couple of months so he needed to some tires to get by. He remembered that I had some tires for sale so we came to my house to look at them and they worked perfectly for him and he bought them. Thanks be to God for this good fortune.

Last night we went to the Christmas Tree festival at Zilker park. We were late getting home and exhausted and I fell asleep without doing a review.

Yesterday morning we were late waking up because we were very late getting to bed the night before. My wife was doing Christmas activities with the kids and they don't have school right now. I was also feeling sick with a mild head cold. I woke up feeling remorseful and unproductive. I had to do a lot of cleaning when I woke up.

Late in the morning I had to run some errands alone and I got to clear my head. I thought a lot about a career path and my feelings swung back to doing a career that is something that I am interested in and think about the most. I thought about how much of the thought life that a career requires and I questioned whether computer networking would be something that i would be able to do effectively.

I also thought alot about how to approach my sister. I asked my mentor about this last night and he immediately brought up evangelizing to her and suggested that I read the gospel of Matthew. I was reticent about this immediatlely but I looked into the scripture readings anyway. As I thought about this further I thought about my conversation with her and the reading from we agnostics last night and I thought about how this led me down the right path. I thought about how I need to speak to her in terms that she understands, not religious terms. I thought about how I needed to work up incrementially by speaking about the need for a spiritual life, then the need for a higher power, then the need for God, then the need for Christ. Along the way there are a lot of smaller increments and finer points that need to be addressed. I also thought of how we had started talking about the placebo affect and this would make a great inroad among several others.

In the afternoon I went to my sponsor's house to drop off a couple of bikes that I am gifting to him. I spoke to his wife and found out that he is in the hospital with a serious illness. Late in the evening I called him and spoke for a little while. I was able to tell him that the readings he gave me for my sister were helpful and could be helpful to him as well.

In the evening we went to the Christmas festival and had a great time except that my wife got extrememly resentful with me because I would not let let go of my autistic son's hand and let him roam free in the crowd. The festival is a trail of lights around a walking path and it was especially crowded and dark at some points and my son was very excited. I had to resist being angry.

In the evening I got to talk to a friend in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had several aha moments. At the end of the day I struggled again to remember them.

I thought about how a key element of step two is to recognize that there exists a bias against spiritual matters and religion. I needed to see that I had not given spiritual matters an objective analysis. I had thought that I could not have faith because I was a reasoning person. But, I had been unreasonable about faith. I realized that when it came to faith matters my obstinate attitude was based on emotion not reason. This was how I was able to find faith. Perhaps this catharsis could be an approach that I could use with my sister.

When I carry the message centered around what is written in the book then I can speak with utmost confidence that will stand up to challenge.

I read today about the process of surrender as the way to fight addiction was like the Chinese finger trap. When I exert my will on my problems they grip me tighter.

I read today that the addict gets to live a high functioning life an that a person in recovery becomes "better than normal."

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and the topic was about the great reality within. Our Gospel reading today was about the visitation. Our priest spoke about the visitations we make and that we must carry the Gospel the way that Mary carried Jesus.

We all got to pray together this evening as a family.

Thanks be to God.

This morning while I was getting started in the day I had a flurry of inspired thoughts. These were a few simple concepts that could be helpful. I wish that I could remember them. I wanted to write them down but I got so busy with the kids that I couldn't. One thing that I do remember is the that I thought of the 4 deadly causes, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. I think that the seven deadly sins are behaviors that result from these root causes.

Early in the day I had to enact difficult discipline on my oldest son. He willfully disobeyed and a simple task refusal escalated from sentences, to timeout, to a spanking. I feel bad because this is a result of my unwillingness to enact consistent discipline in frequent small increments.

I was proud of my son for helping me rake leaves all day.

I got to talk to a friend who had been awol and found that he was alright.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I still felt very disturbed about my sister's condition. I thought a lot about what I should do our how I should go about speaking to her about the fate of her soul.

I thought a lot about the power of faith to heal. I thought about the placebo effect and how there is no explanation for it and how it is rooted in faith. Perhaps we are designed for faith and when we believe in the certainty of anything we tap into the power with which we are connected. But when we truly believe in God we exponentially tune in that power.

This morning I got back to maintenance of my outlook task list.
This morning I helped with the laundry.
Today I completed my financial aid registration.
Today I did not study for my assessment.
Today I got to talk on the phone to a peer in recovery.
Today I took the kids to school in the morning.
This afternoon when I picked up my son we all sang Last Christmas.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting and bring the topic.
I got to make coffee.
I got to set up some Christmas lights.
I got to talk to a relatively new guy afterward.

Tonight my wife and I took the kids for a drive to see Christmas lights.

Thanks be to God.

Tonight I learned that my sister has six months to live. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to talk to her about saving her soul. I love her and I want her to be with me and my family in heaven.

This morning I was irritable with my wife when she was trying to help me enroll in school. She was just trying to help but I reacted out of self-centered pride. Probably fear of having to admit my failures in life.

Several times today I thought about living life as if this is the best time of my life because it is.

This afternoon I got to guide a friend through a resentment.

This evening I took my younger kids to a birthday party at a restaurant. It was trying but I survived and was able to enjoy some moments.

Tonight I danced with my daughter.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and my prayers were interrupted because my wife had to be at work early. I tried to avoid blame and accept that this was God's will for me and I prayed as I went through my tasks.

Last night I didn't do a written review because I fell asleep putting my son to sleep. He was afraid again and I had to lay down with him. I tried to get him to sleep on his own but I felt too empathetic to stick to it.

This morning I read in the Gospel about the farmer that had two sons (Mt 21:28-32) and asked them to go work in the vineyard. One son says ‘I will not,’
but afterwards changed his mind , the other son said ‘Yes, sir,’ but did not go. Jesus said to them, “Amen, I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes
are entering the Kingdom of God before you.

This got me thinking about recent discussions about whether or not some people (particularly gay) go to heaven. I thought that this would be a good way to address this issue with them rather than whether or not they go based on lifestyle.

Last night and this morning I got to talk to a person with less experience than me about matters of recovery.
This morning I had a near occasion of sin in sexual thoughts.
This morning I got to sort through my documents and find my GED documentation.
This morning I got to go to my high school and obtain my transcripts. It was eye opening to see the grades. I had a lot of F's but I had high test scores. It reminded me that personal conduct is more important than intelligence.
Today as I drove around running my errands and after talking to my wife I began to feel much more optimistic about the current path of my life.

Tonight I had to make a choice between going with my wife and kids to the neighborhood association Christmas festival or to a 12 step meeting at my home group. I chose the latter. I am grateful because of what I heard in the meeting. The topic was from the family afterward about the recovered alcoholic's responsibility to recognize that the family was long neglected and that we have to practice a lot of acceptance and gratitude. I thought about how my wife had said this week that this has been the best year of our life in the ways that are most important. I had been in some self pity over not being an adequate father and this made me grateful. I also heard someone speak about their parents being alcoholic and about losing one of them and it made me think of my wife. I then became grateful that I get to be the sober person in her life.

Tonight I heard some good news about the financial assistance we are receiving. I close this day feeling better about myself and my decisions than I have felt in a long time.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a birthday party at eleven am so we had to go to early mass. I didn't wake up early enough to take all the kids so I just took the boys. I felt distant from the holy life at first but felt my spirit wake up especially at communion.

I got to share a great time at lazer tag with my son.
I was really busy with the kids by myself this evening.
I wished that I could go to the 12 step meeting.
I got a little too grouchy with the kids at times(selfishness).
We lit the advent candles.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got to go to a meeting. The subject was principles before personalities and humility. I spoke about some of the humiliations that I suffered due to my alcoholism and about how the program gave me the opportunity to practice humility instead. One of the examples that I used was how I had focused on the world at large all my life and been dismissive of personal morality. I had to become willing to have an attitude shift and take a moral inventory. In the end i learned that this was the key to good living. I had to focus the attention of the inner life and on my personal conduct first. I had to re-order my relationship to the world and only then could live effectively.

After the meeting I was thinking of my mom and sister. I thought about calling them but as usual kind of balked out of vacancy for what to say. Then I thought about how I could tell my sister that I felt very worried when she went to surgery. I could tell her about how this hit home for me where her previous illness did not. Then I could also tell her about how this is making me aware of how distant we are and that I have been thinking about this and thinking that it started for us in our youth when we became centered on the material world and ourselves and not on our personal morality.

This morning my prayers were interrupted and I realized an hour later that I never went back and finished my morning offering. So I stopped by the washing machine and prayed.

Today I had impure sexual thoughts several times.
I went to see my sponsor today.
This evening I was a little grouchy and innatentive with the kids a few times.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about the mutual implicity of reason and faith.

I also thought about how I carry the message.

I also thought about why atheists and Christians are so angry. They get angry when they own their position and it becomes their will rather than an objective debate.

I also thought about teh idea of God as the internal policeman.

This morning I had a hard time waking up and so did the kids. I got resentful at my wife for keeping them up too late.

Most of the morning I felt sluggish and sullen. I'm not sure what that was about but I am sure that it was some form of self. I felt a lot better in the evening.

I got to talk to a friend in recovery for a while in the morning. We talked about being careful with sudden revelations.

Today while updating my career networking profile I had a revelation to pursue a particular career path. I talked to my wife about it and decided to go to school. During our discussion she raised some points that were valid but I have been opposed to for a long time. This caused some emotional dissonance in me and while she talked all I could here was her gum smacking. I could barely hold myself together but I did. I was at the same time disappointed in myself and pleased that I made it through until my attitude changed.

This evening I responded to a friend's post about religion. I had spoken to my wife about it and she expressed the opinion that I had always held that it is better to avoid these discussions. When I read it I knew that this had changed for me. It is my job to respond with kindness and respect.

I got to pray with my children tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found a new attitude in my search for work.

This afternoon I had to change my attitude toward my kids.

This evening I got to go to a meeting and bring the topic. I read about self centeredness as the old attitude that was the root of my troubles.

I found out that my friend that was having troubles is ok for now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was deeply troubled about the guy at the meeting last night. I couldn't stop thinking about how his father must feel.

We had a good morning and made it to mass on time. I was resentful that my wife slept late while I was trying to feed the kids. At mass I was resentful that she kept giving in to the misbehavior of the smaller children. After church I sent her an article about how to get children to behave in mass and what the standards should be.

In the afternoon I was too wrapped up in my focus of mind and I griped too much at the kids when they interrupted.

In the evening I got a call from the guy at the meeting last night and he was threatening to kill himself. I tried to reassure him that his life was worth living but I don't think I did a very good job.

I got to talk to another friend who checked in.

I got to hug my kids a lot today.
I got to have a healthy mind and body today.
I got to be with God today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all got up and got going in good spirits. My wife had to work and we are still using on vehicle so I started out to take the 3 oldest to school. On our way my son with food allergies vomited in the back seat of the van. I turned around for home and called my wife. She griped at me for not taking my daughter to school first and she cursed and hung up the phone. I had to ask God's to remove my resentment.

I remembered that I had a dream last night. In the dream we were all headed out the door together. As I walked out the door a voice from the roof of the house started telling me that I should tell something to my wife. In the dream I knew what the person said but I do not recall what it was now. In the dream I laughed and started talking back with the person, it was my wife's friend. I engaged in a conversation with her and then I was standing there on the roof putting up Christmas lights. As we joked our conversation took a turn to discussion and counsel. Then I realized that my wife's friend was actually the blessed mother and she was up in the tree over our bedroom where the doves live. Then I saw that there were many doves throughout the tree. As she was speaking I scanned around our house and saw that doves had landed in all the trees surrounding the house. The trees were filled with three types of birds, doves, hawks, and grackles. They appeared to have a hierarchy. I thought about this and imagined that these were the heavenly hosts surrounding and protecting our home and my family. I imagined that these were the angels, archangels, and saints.

This morning I woke up in good spirits and willing to trust in God. The kids and I got to watch an animated story of the real Saint Nicholas. It was the best program that I have seen about the story and it captivated us all. I was particularly moved by the conversions that happened and the potential conversions.

I was able to get up and clean and feed the kids and find joy in my work even when my wife was away at school.

I had this weird moment in the middle of the afternoon when I sat down to watch the animated stories of the New Testament and none of the kids were watching. It was a particularly good episode that went through various parables and culminated with the question of why Jesus taught in parables. I was moved again by the conversions, potential conversions and those who did not convert. But, during this my wife walked by me and I felt like I was being idle for watching children's cartoons and I eventually got up. I regret this because this was the Gospel that I was watching.

I did get busy and again I took joy in my work.

In the evening there was a major football game, the Big 12 championship. But all day I felt compelled to go to the meeting. At game time I decided to go. The meeting went well with a small attendance of a few of our most sober people.

At the end of the meeting someone got up and cursed some people and cursed Christ and spit on their desire key tag. Fortunately no one reacted defensively and some people reacted with tolerance and kindness, although I was conflicted over whether or not some assertive action was warranted.

I put my best face forward but was disappointed to experience a rage storm of emotions. I had thoughts of disruptive confrontation, exclusion, and even violence. I was also reluctant to admit this to myself. I realized that these emotions come from my basic instincts of pride, ambition, and ultimately fear.

It occurred to me that I am not living up to the ideals of forgiveness and sacrifice if I allow myself to dwell in those emotions.

I talked to a guy afterward and he helped me to get objective. I talked to my sponsor and he helped me to find sympathy for the person. I now need to pray for Jesus to give me forgiveness and love the person and I think I already feel it now.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had some strange happenings. First my son woke up within a few minutes of going to sleep and said he heard breathing under his bed. Then I woke up just after sleep with an angelic voice directly behind my head that said "father". Then I woke up in the middle the night with a jolt that felt like an electric shock. Then I had a dream that I was working back at my old job at the semiconductor plant and going through several days and was living sobriety hiding some brief relapses. But this wasn't all.

Early this morning I was woken from a dream that I was actively using. I had scored some drugs and returned to the house where I lived and went in to the room where I used in a startlingly furious rush to get high. I sensed that I had been using for a long time at this point and had such an intense anticipation high that it was causing me to be nauseous. I thought about taking a big snort but immediately rejected that idea to scrounge for a needle. I thought about a drawer in a desk and remember stacks of fresh syringes in there. But when I opened it there were only a few bent and dull used points. I was trying to stick a full one in my arm when I felt myself yanked out of the dream. I felt myself pulled rapidly as if up a long shaft through layers and layers of consciousness.

When I came up to the surface of consciousness and was still not quite awake I still had the deep obsession. I felt angry and wanted to get back up or dart out of bed and go score. As I began to wake up I felt the obsession gradually ease and I returned to reality and sanity.

I had a great day today running errands and putting up the Christmas tree.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning was very busy as my wife had to work at 8:30 and we still only have one vehicle. While dropping off the kids she started bickering at me for driving too carefully. At one intersection she griped at me for not pulling out in between the oncoming vehicles. She said that I had enough time (if I darted out there). I griped back and then went on to gripe at her about her temperament. I was embarrassed with the level at which I reacted, even if I was right. BTW, we got to to her job 40 minutes early.

This morning I read the daily reflections and thought about this alot.

I went to a meeting at 10:30, the topic was from step 12 on when to give and on burning into the consciousness of the new man that he place his dependence on God, not people. I talked about my anxiety over how to sponsor when I was newly sober and how the wording of the step "tried to carry this message" became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help. The step doesn't ask me to help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober. What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him. With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems. I first have to teach him to put first things first. That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

As I was driving home from the meeting I started thinking about my friend and sponsor and I had the impulse to go by his place of business. But, I thought that I had no good reason to bother him at work. I had dismissed the idea but it kept coming up. Then I realized that today was the day that I was supposed to meet with him in the morning. So I went and saw him. We both recommited to sharing a list of unmanageabilities to pray for each other.

In the evening my son and wife kept me busy until late so I didn't get to write and evening review so I am doing it this morning for yesterday.

Today we only had one vehicle so I was busy driving all the kids to school and my wife too. I had several memorable moments today.

When I was back at home and I was alone up on the roof in the cold wind fixing the Christmas lights.
After I dropped off my wife at school on a hill overlooking the city that I live in and I stopped to take in the view in the gray day before the rain.
When I sat at night in my living room with candles lit on the mantle below the icons.
When I took a minute before dinner to write some thoughts about the spiritual awakening and step 12.

I was happy that my wife went to a meeting tonight.

I was really worried about my sister today as she had to go into emergency surgery for a brain tumor. I prayed for her all day. I am also worried about my parents because they are not practicing their faith and she needs their intercession more than anyone. I rounded up the kids tonight and we gave thanks that she is in recovery and feeling much better. We said 10 Hail Mary's for her continued recovery, courage, and protection.

Thanks be to God.