This Friday I let the kids sleep in to prepare for staying up late and going to a New Years Eve party.  I was home all day with the kids so by the end of the day I had child fatigue.

My wife had to take her brother to the doctor so she was away from home at the time when I needed her most, while I was cooking dinner.  Then as it got later and later she still was not home.  I was a little resentful which was selfish of me.  I almost decided to cancel going to the New Years Party out of frustration for running late.   But, after saying  a prayer I gathered the kids and we went to the New Years Party at my friend's house apart from my wife, she came later. We really enjoyed ourselves as usual, all our friends were there and it was a child friendly setting.

At the party I got a little carried away and threw some fire crackers in the fire pit and scared some people and burned a spot in a ladies shirt.  I did something that made me feel like an idiot for the second day in a row.  But, I thought it over and remembered that I rarely have to exercise that sort of self control anymore because I rarely have an opportunity to be mischievous.  I resolve however to remember this in the event the opportunity should arise.

I thought some about the past year.  Once again God has provided all that I need even when I couldn't see it. My kids have all been healthy and we have a comfortable home and food on our table.  I am finally achieving the one life accomplishment that has eluded me, a higher education.  I have grown closer to my wife through learning what the real values of a realtionship are,.  For the new year I resolve to work on this more.

Thanks be to God for a great year.

This morning I had some thoughts about the types of love, Sternberg's triangular theory, and the purpose for relationships in our lives.  Perhaps relationships form a huge part of our personal identity.  They are integral in meeting the familial or parental part of our psyche.

It occurred to me that I have been referring to the triangular love concept without giving a purpose for it.  I remembered how this helped me see that passion is only a part of the relationship and that the other two parts are given less value.  I thought about how each part of the triangle is a integral need that we have.  If we lack passion in our relationship then we should consider the value of intimacy (companionship) and commitment (security).

I also thought some of the nature of identity, of personal makeup and of conscience.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about prayer and meditation.

This morning I found myself needing to apply extra effort to center my focus on God before entering into prayer. My mind really, really wanted to bounce from thought to thought, to start up and run on autopilot, to... I'm not sure what to call it, but it is for my mind to be unrestrained.

I got to take my son to a baseball camp today.  Before the camp he was beginning to settle into an isolated sedentary routine on a rainy day.  I remembered to remind him a few times and to get him motivated by turning on a baseball program at mid day.  He didn't give me much objection but I could tell that he really didn't wan't to go, he just wanted to stay home and play with his new toys.

I was very proud of my son at the camp.  He wasn't one of the "natural" athletes, but he showed great technique, focus, and discipline.  I was especially impressed with his running which was a major focus of this first day.  I realized that the training we have been doing is changing what I thought was his natural slowness.  After the camp he told me unprompted that it was a lot of fun even though he didn't think that it would be.

Today I thought some more about the simple strategy for sobriety.  I thought about the idea of "the solution" in the Big Book.  I need to compile this into an entry in my sobriety blog and work on it there.  Perhaps I would carry a better message if I try to be like the "Dog Whisperer" of dope fiends.

Tonight I briefly thought about a discussion recently in which I suggested that in order to make sound decisions about relationships, one must know what it means to be in a relationship first.  If one cannot answer the question, "what does it mean to be in a relationship?" then perhaps that is a sign that one does not know.  Then I thought "do i know?" well yes, I thought.  But could I answer the question concisely?  Perhaps the answer might be to have a connection of love with someone that has passion, intimacy, and commitment.  A relationship that is unselfish, trustworthy, and patient.  A bond that is a vital part my life's purpose, design, and being.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I remembered that my thoughts lately have been on the problem of the will.  That being willing to take directions is the way to recovery.  That when I went through the early intensive part of my recovery that I learned to carry God's will all the time and therefore take directions whether an actual physical person is giving them or not.

This morning I got up and got the kids up on time.  I had a hard time getting them to play outside.  They became eager to go out when I went out and got their new outside toys out.  At one point I became frustrated when they all kept needing help.  Later I also got irritable with my son's young cousin who came to play with him and was acting unruly.

In both of these cases I was blessed with the resilience to simply think about how lucky I am to get to have these children and get to spend time with them and I was able to get free from my discontent.  Looking back I see that this was a reaction to my need for order.  I needed motivational force to correct the children and help them behave but I did not need to become agitated.

In the afternoon I did some service work for our 12 step club by reorganizing the meeting format notebooks and repainting a sign.

My wife worked in the evening.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we woke up a little late but at a reasonable time given the incredibly busy day before.  I got my mind trying to drift into resentment over my wife's priorities of events and activities which do not start with church.  But, I resisted this and devoted some time to praying and getting my head on straight before getting out of bed.

I didn't push matters and let my wife and the little children wake up at their own time.  I took my older son with me to mass.  He was a good sport about it and it was an excellent opportunity for me to give him some focused direction on how to participate more in the worship.  Our priest gave us a great talk about the way we should conduct ourselves in our family member roles.

This afternoon we worked on getting things back in order.

I had a little struggle breaking the kids away from their toys and taking the dog for a walk.  They whined and moaned the whole time.  I was grateful however that they did obey and we kept up our new practice.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We read from "A Vision for You".

Thanks be to God.

This Christmas Day my kids got me out of bed at 6:30 am to open gifts from Santa.  I was pretty exhausted from the busy day before.  But, I thoroughly enjoyed watching my children blissfully open their gifts and ooh and ahh as they did.  As this event came to a close, I caught myself feeling short tempered and irritable about the busy day ahead.  I don't remember things exactly but I know that I was not as helpful to my wife as I could have been and I griped and questioned her decision to take the trip we were embarking on.

As we drove out of Austin I struggle with waves of exhaustion that kept coming over me.  I thought about how dangerous this was and went through scenarios in my mind of falling asleep and losing control and wrecking the van with my family.  I thought about my wife's Uncle and Aunt who were killed this way in an accident with their daughters on a Holiday trip like this.  I did talk to my wife about it but she was just as exhausted (if not more so).
Fortunately I became more energized around lunch time and we stopped and had a meal and got refreshed.

While we were driving into Houston I had an interesting experience.  I noticed a vehicle on the side of the road covered in mud.  The driver was talking to a tow truck driver and a cop.  Their didn't seem to be any impropriety but I envisioned a scenario where the driver on a bender the night before drove off the road and flipped the car and then quickly left the scene to avoid arrest.  I imagined being energized from drinking and hiking to a store and then coming back the next day to get the vehicle.  I got this strange feeling of adventure about the whole thing.  It seemed odd that I would think of this as fun but I guess that was the vestiges of years of alcoholic living.

We had a great time at my wife's Aunt's home.  This was the Christmas gathering of my wife's family with her father and grandfather, uncle, and cousins.  As usual, I felt a bit awkward and imposing with my children.  But; they were well behaved and there were some other children there.  I also got to play some table tennis which was a real treat.  There was one interesting point where it looked like the only thing to drink during dinner was wine.  I found myself eager to show that I still don't drink.

My wife's Aunt's husband's yearly tradition is to say a poem that he writes before the meal.  This year his poem was very religiously oriented. It showed a degree of spirituality that I had not seem in he or his wife before.  Their house seemed to be filled with much more religious iconography that before also.

All afternoon I tried to connect with people but the doors all seemed to be closed or all we could talk about were the subjects that are 20 yards wide and one inch deep.  Then my wife's best cousin showed up, the host's son.  He is the one that is a fellow recovered addict.  He really livened up the party.  We had a great time reconnecting and he helped everyone open up and talk more.

My wife's father did not seem well.  He, like my brother, seemed to be withdrawing into his troubles more and more.  He was not very communicative and hardly engaged with anyone.  This was especially sad given that he rarely gets to see his grandchildren.  At the end of the day we found that we would not be going to visit with him and his wife whom the children consider to be their grandmother.

We took the three hour drive back home at night.  We enjoyed Christmas music and seeing the lights along the highway and in the small towns.  I got to have a great talk with my wife about our future plans.  The kids enjoyed watching movies with their uncle.

We arrived safe and sound and grateful for a blessed day.

Thanks be to God.

This Christmas Eve was a very busy day and I didn't write a review at the end of the day.

I got the kids up and fed unusually early to ensure that they would get to bed on time on this Christmas Eve.  During the day we watched programs and talked about the meaning of this special day.

We spent the morning cleaning house and preparing for our trip on Christmas Day.  I remember bickering with my wife over our cleaning.  I remember taking the dog for a long walk.   I remember thinking about some ideas that I really wanted to write about.  Now that I think about it, I also remember still struggling a little to find the energy and motivation to pursue Christmas preparation as frenetically as my wife.

In the afternoon we watched the Christmas Eve vigil mass live from St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican on television.  It was a gloriously beautiful and spiritually edifying service.  Then we prepared to attend mass ourselves at our parish.  My wife dressed our children spectacularly and my wife and I dressed in coordinated fashion also.  We were a handsome family and I was proud and enthusiastic to attend.  But, when we arrived at Church we were astonished to find it packed beyond capacity.  I had to make a decision to go back home as we would have had to stand in the Foyer and my instincts told me that we might get ushered into an untenable situation inside the sanctuary with our four little restless children.  My wife took advantage of this as a good opportunity to relate this to the real experience of Joseph and Mary being turned away from the Inn.

I did find myself resentful at my wife for her habitual tardiness.  But I quickly realized that I was just as much to blame because I forgot that the Holiday masses are always packed.  For some reason I thought that it would be lightly attended.   I thought about how despite this knowledge the feelings lingered like the light in your eyes when you look at something bright and then close them.

After that my mom and Dad and Brother and partner visited our house for our Christmas gathering.  We ate a great barbecue dinner that my Mom provided.  It was depressing to see my brother and his girl friend in their seeming struggle in life.  They seemed like shivering denizens of addiction's mad realm.  Whereas our interaction with my Mom and Dad was upbeat and convivial.  We played a fun game of naughty or nice where I asked the kids to vote on how naughty or nice each person had been before they opened gifts.  There were lot's of laughs all around.

My kids enjoyed opening their gifts and they got bathed and made it to bed at a reasonable time.  I passed out exhausted with a terrible stomach ache.  My wife stayed up and prepped for Santa's visit overnight.   She stayed awake unreasonably late tending to tasks that she felt she had to do for our one day trip.  I and my kids are lucky to have her.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a decent start albeit a little late.  I got to visit an ailing friend and exchange great conversation about the spiritual life and Christmas cheer.  

My son and I got to enjoy the pleasures of raking and bagging leaves most of the day.  There was a moment when he became obstinate and decided that he was incapable of doing the work.  He feigned weakness and inability to get the leaves in the bag.  Then he threw down his shovel and sat on a bench and pouted.  I let my anger distort my actions and I griped at him too harshly.  I also started giving him punishment (removal of electronic media privileges 2 hours at a time) and escalated too quickly.  I caught this and realized that my resourceful thinking was drained and I couldn't discern the right attitude and action objectively.   I thought about calling out my wife and turning the situation over to her.  But I asked for the right thought or action and felt compelled to step away for a few moments.  After a little while he reluctantly got up and complied.  We enjoyed the rest of the time working together.

In the afternoon I took a walk with the dog and the three oldest kids.  We went to the park and the school and the track.  I stopped the committee in my head at one point and took in the open field, the season, the sky, and the voices of the kids.

I thought a little about the middle way today.  I thought about a correlation with the narrow gate.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up on time with only lingering symptoms from my illness.

I thought some more about the problems in dealing with addiction.  I realized that I have been confusing two issues, the way we look at the behavior, and the needs of the person with addiction, and the way we approach the behavior.  Here is how they sort out for me now:

We tend to look at the problem as one of personality, environment, and human nature.
We need to address the problematic behavior just as we would any problem, we should get the larger, basic problems in order first then attend to the complex, individualistic issues later when they are better attuned to deal with them.
We should attend to the basic human nature first, environment second, complex personality issues third.
People in early stages of recovery need structure, moral discipline, and (personal therapy?) in that order.

Today I was so sick that I never got out of bed until late afternoon.

I had the feeling of guilt for lack of usefulness that I used to get when I would sleep in after using.  I remembered to think about how my debilitation is due to illness and to detach from the feelings of worthlessness.

In the evening I finally started to feel better and get back to normal.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I stayed up late working on some things for my home group.  This is something that I haven't been able to do in a long time.

This morning I thought a little again about the problem of dealing with the addict.  I thought that people attribute the behavior to environment, personality, and then a problem with being.  And since they are most accustomed to dealing with the external world they always gravitate to that first, then they speculate about personality and try to talk, coerce, convince, plead, medicate or threaten the person sober, then they are clueless about how addiction works in the mind so little effort is ever applied in this area.  Addiction is a problem of the mind and of the will so this is where primary effort should be placed.

In the afternoon I gradually felt more and more achy and run down.

I got to have a good talk to a friend in the program.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up groggy and sore.  I presume that these were the effects of a busy and physically active day yesterday.  For this I was grateful.

I made a very nice pancake breakfast for the kids including GFCF coconut flour pancakes for my son with autism.

Three of our kids have rhino virus so I had to stay home with them from mass.  My wife lead the children's liturgy today so she was our appointed family representative at church.

I was thinking about advice for a friend who just received a ministry appointment at his church.  One of the most important things that came up was the problem of dichotomies and debates about recovery, the 12 steps, and AA.  Surprisingly thought, this lead me to think of a different friend and his struggles in our counselor training.  I thought about the idea that the Big Book expresses that "argument and fault finding are to be avoided like the plague", that "we are no longer fighting anything or anyone."

I caught myself in the earliest stages of arguing and griping to the kids to get them to obey me this morning.  And they were in the earliest stages of defying me openly.  I stopped myself and gathered us together to sit and pray.  This is something we have begun doing recently.  We usually just do it in the morning for our set morning prayer, but I should employ this for times when crisis breaks out in our home.  Perhaps this would work instead of lectures and discussions.

My son and I walked our dog again today using the "Cesar way".  We went a lot further this time around the block, down through the park, to the running track at the school and all the way around the building.  I felt a real sense of bonding with the boy and the canine.  We talked about father and son stuff and breathed in and out the clean, crisp December air.  Our dog seemed more active, alert and more like part of our family again. I actually enjoyed hearing her bark today, she seems to be recovering her sense of pack esteem.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We read from "To Employers". I thought about how the example behaviors of employers that the author described listed the order of priorities of dealing with the alcoholic problem reflected the grave misunderstanding of the nature of the disease.  The methods of dealing with the problem tended to be in managing to the business affairs of the individual, trying to coerce the willpower of the person, or firing them altogether or some other extreme reaction.  The author describes an strategy that runs counter to conventional thinking.  It puts an informed understanding of the disease first, setting appropriate boundaries, and then being willing to do what is best for both parties.

A friend described a great approach to how much and what type of disclosure is appropriate as an employee:
Be discrete about recovery from addiction, there is a great and well founded stigma attached to this
It's appropriate to identify oneself as a non-drinker to deal with solicitation to drink
When attending events where there is drinking, use a two strikes rule; after the second offer (per person) to drink it's time to leave
I thought that one can identify oneself as a non-drinker without having to identify oneself as an alcoholic.  A non-drinker may have had a bad habit that they must avoid but does not necessarily connote the alcoholic disease.

My friend with whom I have an uncertain mentorship seemed to want to talk tonight.  I got to attend the group conscience after the meeting.  I got to talk to a friend about spiritual matters after that.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we got off to another good start.  Even more so since the house was in order and we had some pastries left over so I didn't have to cook breakfast.  I did well in keeping with our daily schedule and I got my son to do chores and limited media time for them all.

At mid morning my son and I got outside and did a good amount of fall leaf raking.  Later, his cousin came over and they got to play together.

I got to talk to a friend from the program about life's gifts and trials.

I intended to walk the dog with my son but we never got to it.

I thought a lot again today about the right order and simple schema for helping people start the sober life.

In the afternoon my son and his cousin and I went to the park and practiced baseball.  Time seemed to stand still.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today  I felt very different than recent days.  I felt industrious and inspired.  I felt that if I could just find a passion that I could make a business and make a living.

In thinking about helping others recover from addiction today I began to have a vision of a strategy to give people an immediate understanding, a breakthrough in thinking, and a doable plan of action, that could inspire them to change their lives.

I was grateful to be able to go with my family to my youngest daughter's Christmas presentation today.  Their was a moment when our priest gave a blessing amidst bustle and chaos.  I felt proud to be one of those bowed in stillness, aware of the importance of this spiritual moment.

My wife went to work in the afternoon and all night.  I never felt overwhelmed with the kids today.  I somehow still had the energy and intiative to do some of the things I needed to do.

I got to take our family dog on a walk today with my oldest son.  Later in the day he said that he would like to get another dog.  I made a plan with him to walk the dog and care for her daily as training for our next dog if it is to be.

My parents came to visit today.  My mom cooked us a wonderful dinner and we had good times talking about the nature of dogs and people.  After dinner my mom and I and a couple of kids went to the Mexican bakery and bought a variety of delicious pastries.

Tonight I thought a little about the confusion between pleasures and needs.  I thought of the problem of a moral code based on pleasures.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I watched Celebrity Rehab.  It really got my passion for recovery back on track.  I thought about what addicts at the very beginning need to hear.  Dr. Drew gets them looking at their childhood issues right away.  This might not be a bad idea as a means of helping them see an begin to understand the nature of their deep ceded psychological impairments.  He called this "landscaping".  But, to me they do not at all seem prepared to look at this precisely because they are not in their right minds.  Perhaps their are hierarchical levels of behavioral and thought problems that need to be addressed in order. Perhaps a better approach would be to guide them to understand the nature of addiction and volition first, and then the nature of the things that follow after that, perhaps the process of psychic change second, and the nature of spiritual fitness and resilience third.

At noon today I got to got to a meeting at the AA club.  As I arrived I had an experience with anxiety.  I realized that I distort the nature of my interaction with the meeting attendees.  I was able to relax by thinking of talking just as if I were speaking in a normal conversation with a good friend. Our topic was insanity.

This afternoon in thinking more about approaching the new person in recovery I thought perhaps the hierarchy of approach might best be described as being first, person second, and personality third.  I thought that of what the person needs.  They need the person making the approach to help them make sense of what is happening to them.  The answer lies in the disease concept not in the personality disorder.

I was inspired today to train my dog to walk on a leash.  I practiced in the back yard and then my daughter and I took her for a walk around the block.

I got to go to a CA meeting tonight.  The topic was step 12.

After the meeting i got to meet up with friends at a restaurant.

Thanks be to God.

Last night just after going to bed I had several panic dreams in which I recall trying to call someone to wake me up and thinking I was actually doing so but then finally waking myself up and realizing that I was screaming in my sleep.  I did get to sleep on time and wake up early although I had a hard time actually getting out of bed.

Today I had a splitting headache but was a lot more active than yesterday.  I had a weird unsettled stomach and episodes of low energy.  At mid morning I got to talk to a friend in the program.  I felt unusually uninspired and had trouble expressing some ideas to him about a subject that came up.

I did a longstanding cleaning project and had an appointment in the afternoon.  When the kids came home I did some yard work and played ball with the younger ones.

I got some bad financial news this afternoon.  I found out a major source of income was expired.  As I drove away from the bank I realized that I was not really prepared for this news even though I knew this day was coming.  I suddenly had a rush of feelings of inadequacy as a provider for my family.  Fortunately I was able to put my trust in God and think about several resources and options.  Mostly though, I turned to the experience that God always comes through with resources that I couldn't forsee.

I thought some today about the idea of surrendering the will as a matter of autonomy.  I also thought about calm assertive discipline.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a very difficult morning and never made it through my morning prayers.  After I returned from dropping off the kids I worked on some school arrangements and made an appointment. Then I sat down and tried to pray and fell asleep hard.  I slept for a long time and woke up very disoriented.

I got going a little better in the afternoon when I got out and did all the kid pickups.  I had to climb up on the roof and fix the lights on the roof.  At some time during the day I read a great article from medical journal about the health benefits of prayer.

In the evening we attended my son's Christmas program at the school and then a neighborhood program at the park.  At the school I saw some friends from the program whose child attends our school.  We also saw my cousin and his family.  I had a weird experience at the park in which a woman sitting on a bench tried to start conversation with my cousin and I.  She had a very small child and looked and sounded as if she may have felt very isolated and was trying to make acquaintances.   I felt as if I should have been more neighborly and exchanged names and information.  Perhaps I should treat these situations just as I would standing outside 12 step meetings.

It was a good night out with my family.

Thanks be to God.

     This Monday morning was a little rough as we were all tired from the long Sunday before.  My wife and the kids all said the impromptu trip to Burnet for the Bethlehem town was worth it but I still question it.

     During the day I felt aimless at times but I encountered several tasks that kept me busy including dealing with an educational issue.  Thankfully I was able to get in to see someone and get it straightened out.

     I heard a discussion on the radio in the morning about the biblical passage from Matthew 7:1 that says "judge not lest ye be judged." The speaker said that it was a common axiom thrown back at Christians as a rebuttal to criticism, "Christian don't judge me."   The speaker went on to say that it is an incorrect interpretation of the meaning but I felt that he didn't explain very well why this was incorrect.  I actually thought the case he made as the "devil's advocate" was better than his own.

     When I got home I looked it up and read a little before and after and quickly identified the true meaning.  The  footnotes state that this is a statement about judgemental-ism.  It is about passing judgement in a spirit of arrogance in spite of one's own faults.   It is not a prohibition on recognizing the faults of others, just about being hyper-critical of their faults while minimizing or ignoring one's own.  The lines that followed in which the impenitent are called dogs and swine show clearly that it is not a prohibition on recognizing faults. (note how I judged the speaker ;) )

   I think that the main point of this text is that one cannot help others recover from their faulty logic if they have not recovered themselves. It is less about judgementalism than it is about the nature of spiritual consent.  A person to whom one is trying to help will not be open to another if another doesn't live up to that standard.

     Perhaps the beauty in this is that one could answer both sides of the argument with "yes, you are right."   The person who feels judged is right in their motive to defend the just.  But while their conclusion might come from a right motive their premise may not hold up in light of moral truth.  If their truth is based on a relative assessment then the problem is one of perception.


"Stop judging, that you may not be judged.  For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye?  You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye.  "Do not give what is holy to dogs, 4 or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.

  This led me to think about moral relativism all afternoon.

My wife worked all day so I didn't get to go to a meeting in the evening.  I sat down and re-strung our Bethlehem Star ornament with lights and remounted it on the roof.

Thanks be to God.

     This morning I got up on time and got off to a good start.  Before my oldest son woke up I remembered his self-esteem crisis from the night before and I took up where I left off wondering how to approach him.  My thoughts seemed very crisp this morning and I realized just how futile my approach had been last night.  It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of "the glass half full" would be appropriate.
     After a little while I turned on the TV for Fr. Barron's show "Word on Fire."  He gave a good talk about how we read the Bible and how we should know the great Church Fathers, like Origen, Aquinas, Agustin, etc.
     At mass our priest gave a wonderful sermon that was incredibly synchronous for me.  It was about the idea of perception of our problems.  He talked about the type of person who always sees the problems but never sees the good things in life.  He gave an analogy of looking at our yard and seeing only the few weeds cropping up and not the beautiful grass.  He also told of a saying that best sums it up: “Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars.”  This was incredibly apropos for the problem with my son.
     It was a very busy day and I couldn't get over how much more active I was able to be than yesterday.  I fed the kids at both meals and i did some cleaning and played with the boys.  In the evening we went to a Jerusalem reenactment in a small town 50 miles away and stopped at a trail of lights on the way home.  I thought that my body must have been fighting off a virus or something yesterday.  In fact I heard there is one going around on the news tonight.  But I also did some catching up on journals tonight and realized what an incredibly busy and trying week it has been for me.
    Thanks be to God for this life.

     This morning I got up on early to keep us on schedule.  Everything went well and all the kids got up and got going and my wife even woke up around 9:30.  The only problem was that I fell asleep after feeding the kids and cleaning up.
     I felt selfish today as I found myself unable to do much besides feed the kids until mid afternoon.
     I took my sons to the park to practice baseball.  I seemed to lack direction and realized that I need to work with my son on quickness.  We had fun and forgot to get home on time as my wife had to leave for a job.  When I did get home the girls were at the neighbors and she had left.  I have to admit that it was a change for her to just find a solution and move on.  She wasn't even that mad at me when I called her.
     I grilled a nice dinner and played washers with my son's friend.
     This evening my son decided that he was depressed. I had a hard time acknowledging his feelings and just wanted to urge him to snap out of it.  As I talked to him I remembered going through this myself as a child.  Feeling sorry for myself for no good reason.  At first I tried to talk him through it and reason with him.  But then I realized that this will not fix it, that it must be worked out and pass in his mind.
     Thanks be to God for this day.

     This morning I woke up with some persistent thoughts that interfered with my concentration in prayer.  As I got to the parts of my prayer where I ask for a resolute attention span, my attention wandered back to the thoughts. I stopped and took some time to examine my motives and saw that over the course of the past few days my resolve to subdue the arousal of my senses has waned.  This has progressed subtly into a more overt form of one of my character defects.
    As I examined the problem and prayed against the basic drive that was the motive for it, I considered that the feeling arises automatically and if allow it to perpetuate it becomes so powerful that it controls me.  This led me to revisit the idea of the moral inventory.  Specifically my early objection that it would not help my addiction because I couldn't see how morals were related to a problem of an overpowering internal drive to get high.  My objection better crystallized here as I realized that I thought the word "moral" implied behavioral law unrelated to the thought processes involved in addiction.
     I thought perhaps an inventory of feelings, motives, forces, or drives might be a better approach.  Perhaps this could at least make for a good way to communicate the idea to the reluctant individual.  I also thought about how the Big Book says that men and women drink because they like the affect.  Here I think is the only consideration of the sensation that alcohol produces, that it feels so good.  Perhaps this indicates that some sort of drive should be added to the inventory.  Perhaps in addition to resentment, fear, and sex, we ought to add pleasure.
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol."
     Perhaps the reason a moral inventory is in order is because the root of our troubles is in the fact that our control limits is based on what we like.  That turning our will and life over to God is to make His truth the baseline for our behavior, thus imparting power for control of our selves.
     Tonight I got to go to a meeting.  I really needed it.  I was very uptight by the end of this day.  Going to the meeting took me out of my isolation and got me reconnected with others and God.  It got me out of self.
     Our topic was our experience with resentment and the struggle to find acceptance in our circumstances.  I thought first about the concept of locus of control; internal locus or external locus.  But I dropped that train of thought and looked at how acceptance is sometimes achievable through prayerful introspection, but sometimes it is not, even though I might know that I should find it, I just still have the feelings.  It is then that I have to dissect my resentment and find the basic drives that are awry and the desires that I am defending.  Then I can pray for it to be removed.  I have to remember that I am not just finding knowledge about myself and exerting my will but that I must also turn it over to God.  Just like in steps 6 and 7, I have a part and God has a part.
     This also led me to think about the other affect on acceptance when I treat the offender (or perceived offender) as a sick person too and forgive them just as I was forgiven.  Here also it is important for me to discern that I placed my self in a position to be hurt, not necessarily wronged, that my part is strictly in my feelings and judgement, not necessarily in the circumstances.

Thanks be to God.

     This Thursday morning I went to my last Psychology of Personal Adjustment class and took the final.  I was disappointed that I wasn't better prepared as I didn't study at all before the test.  Fortunately I'm sure that I did okay but I felt the class and my professor deserved much more of an effort from me.
     I wondered if I will look back on this class as a pivotal event in my life.  I thought of the comparison of this class and Human Growth and Development.  In the HG&D class it seems that we mostly focused on the facts of the ages and stages of life, but in PPA class we looked at the application of theories and experience in how to live and change and thrive.
     I learned or was inspired into discovery in several concepts that have already changed my understanding of the inner life.  Just reading the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" alone was invaluable.  From that book I was moved to the idea of "Life's greatest lesson: A person must learn to die, in order to learn how to live." But there have been many others also like existential psychology, the Flow of experience, self-esteem injunctions, resilience, etc.
     This afternoon I was stringing lights on the roof and entered a very focused state of mind.  I was systematically mounting lights on the peak of the roof and backing along a little at a time when suddenly I noticed tree limbs to my side.  I was suddenly startled by the realization that I a had backed to within a few feet of the edge.  It would have been horrible for my children to have seen such a tragic incident.  I believe that my Guardian Angel protected me from this for my children.
   I was very happy that my wife and son went to reconciliation mass tonight.  I was very proud of them both for the attitude of valuation of their spiritual life.
    Thanks be to God!

     This Wednesday morning my wife and I got mixed up about who was going to do what in kid drop offs.  I was talking to her and trying to sort what to do and how they affected my errands.  She directed me to take the youngest which in the moment I thought would affect me making it to the driver's license office on time and when I declined she blew a fuse.  I tried not to openly react but did feel resentful.  I was able to resist and change my attitude by just thinking it through a little and during the first drop off changed my mind back to my original thought to help her with the last kid.  I did for a moment have a thought from my old thinking which was to let her  reap the consequences of what I deemed to be poor communication skills, but I realized the stupidity and selfishness of that right away. Surprisingly she accepted my help and was very civil to me.
     I made it to the Department of Public safety and got my expired license renewed.  The line was long and the staff was few but I got through in a reasonable time and relative ease.  I was worried at first as I heard partial conversations that lead me to believe I might encounter problems, but I decided to trust God and accept whatever obstacles I might encounter and try to have a good attitude.  I saw a lady who was with her son decide to make a scene and complain about her idea that there were "too many obstacles" in this process.  She seemed to be a well to do woman who expected to get her way.  I felt bad for her in her futile pursuit and I remembered how poorly I would have handled this in the past.
    In the evening I got to go with my son to a college women's basketball game.  It was fun to interact with my son and his friends from school for an extended time like this.  I got to meet his principle.  It was loads of fun and i wish that I had taken more photos of all the kids and not just my son so that I could have provided them for the school.  I was inspired to take a more active role in his life and the school.  It was a late night but it was worth it.
     Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had a hard time waking up despite getting to bed on time last night.  I guess it was just that busy of a day yesterday.

On my way to school I thought about some basic concepts that an addict must realign his will...

I met with my friends in the cafeteria this morning before class.  I really enjoy this time in the morning and the crazy characters that I go to school with.

We had presentations for my class.

In the afternoon my father called me and we went to sporting goods stores and thrift stores shopping for Christmas gifts.  I enjoyed spending time with him again.  Sometimes when I am with him I find myself doing small things in patterns that formed in my childhood.

I took my son and his youngest sister to his science fair tonight.  It was a crisp fall evening and we had a great time walking through the neighborhood and park amidst the Christmas lights.

After that I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  Our topic was the bedevilments and the promises.  I thought about how I worked the steps with a sponsor and got a little downrange when I started having more problems with frustration and resentment.  I looked for information about what it meant for a life to be unmanageable and found only the bedevilments.  I wondered why this was the only nod to this yet the steps were a spiritual modification program.  I realized that it might be because alcoholics wouldn't care or believe that they have problems in these areas until they have begun to realize a spiritual awakening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we were all late waking up and had a major problem with my son.  He was grouchy and willful.  I vowed to get disciplined about sticking to our schedule and getting to sleep on time.

At school we listened to reports on interviews with human service workers.  They were very helpful to get a better picture of the field.

After class I ran into a guy that I hadn't seen in a long time.  We had a great time catching up and he informed me that my old fishing buddy is doing well.

I felt really motivated today to get active in the 12 step fellowship again.
This afternoon I put up Christmas decorations with the family.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we got off to an early start as my wife had a garage sale.  The house was in order so things went fairly well and I kept the kids from sleeping too late. In the morning I got them all outside and had my oldest practice baseball and do the dishes.

I thought a lot about several things related to personal adjustment and sobriety but I don't remember any of it.

I got to watch the movie, "The Alamo".  It was the most historically  credible rendition I have seen of the event.  I was intrigued by the personalities on both sides and noted how none of them were perfect heros or villains.  They all had virtues and flaws.  I thought the movie captured the full scope of perspectives.  I was especially interested in the dynamic between the Tejanos and Mexicans.  Juan Seguin had been a Mexican loyalist but battled the corruption of Santa Anna.  Santa Anna while corrupt was a powerful leader that the Mexican people needed and continued to follow despite his flaws.

An interesting thing happened later in the afternoon.  My brother stopped by unexpectedly.  He needed some help as he is having to move.  He had a friend he has known since high school. As I talked to the friend, he related to me his story of recovery from addiction and religious conversion. It was a great conversation, I just wish that I could have engaged my brother a little more.  I invited him to our recovery group. I wish that I could have been a better host as I was in the back yard and never invited them in.  I had to make a difficult decision about giving appropriate help when my brother asked me to rent a vehicle for him to move his stuff.  Fortunately my license is expired so it was a moot point, thank God.

In the evening I went to a meeting.  It was a speaker meeting with a guest from Laredo.  He had a great story, it was one of those "high bottom" but deep obsession stories.  The guy did well in telling a complete story including how he recovered and how his life has gotten better.  He also did well in including the spiritual component.

Thanks be to God

This Sunday morning we got off to a good start and made it to mass on time and out in good spirits.  One of my daughters had a little melt down  but she recovered from it well.  Our priest gave a sermon on the importance of keeping priorities in order and placing our spiritual life before all things.

In the afternoon my parents came to visit.  The neighbors were having a birthday party and engagement celebration for their daughter.  They had a taco grill set up with genuine Mexican cuisine.  My father and I had a great time eating and talking with them.

Afterward my wife and mom went shopping and left us men with the kids.  My dad and I had a good talk about the nature of people's behaviors and appropriate help for addicts constantly in trouble and seeking bail outs.  We also watched a little of Ken Burn's baseball series.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night my son suddenly started throwing up and my wife had to stay up late helping him.  She also had to get up in the middle of the night with him.  This morning I got up a little early and tried to do more to help with the kids.  I had hoped she wouldn't have to get up early but there were things she had to do anyway.  I was less than supportive about her garage sale.

This morning i had some burdgening thoughts about the need for all people to surrender the will, the need to concede the scope of one's power over their world. I also thought about how tolerance as a virtue toward resilience might have been taught in personal adjustment class.

This afternoon while I dropped off my son at therapy I thought about the distinction of the 12 steps as a spiritual conditioning program not a drinking behavior modification program.  that the will and moral standards are reformed.  Drinking and other behavior modification are then poossible.

All afternoon and evening an intriguing deliberation has been going on in my thoughts.  I keep thinking back to my presentation about the importance of an afterlife concept.  I have had some thoughts to give it more depth and complete the presentation, I have experienced doubts as to whether I should have done that subject and then lastly I have realized that it may very well be life's greatest lesson.  I watched some programs with my children tonight and I realized some even more contemporary sources of mythological archetypes.  This afternoon I went to the bookstore and looked at some books about this subject.  It is a subject of great interest to scholars and there is a lot of literature about it.

Thanks be to God.

This morning before class I sat with my friends who are studying to be counselors.  One person talked to me about her experiences as a counselor prior to needing to meet education requirements.  She took me on a journey through the seedy side of the recovery industry.  It was eye opening.  It was something that I was not familiar with but was not too surprised to hear.  I also got to hear about the various types of flawed personalities that go into the field.

In Personal Adjustment class I gave my final presentation.  I was the last person to present.  The people that went before me did really well and had good visual media.  I was a little nervous and intimidated.  A girl went before me who started her talk about being passionate about recovery.  I found this very helpful as I was the only one talking about the book rather than some personal interest.  I was able to open by talking about my passion for personal adjustment.  My presentation went well but I was a little disappointed to miss two key points.  All in all I am grateful for this experience and for the opportunity to take this class.

In the afternoon I took a final in Human Growth and Development.  I think I did well.  I also turned in my eulogy project.  My professor surprised me by saying that it was good and she was moved in reading it.

Once again I am deeply grateful for these great classes I got to take and the wonderful teachers who led them.

I was sad to here that my wife's friend's son died of an overdose this week.  My prayers go out for him and his family.

I got to throw baseballs in the back yard with my two sons this afternoon.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Wednesday morning I got to talk to a friend and fellow student about his career history and why he chose to pursue a career as a counselor.  I was surprised to hear that he had an education and twenty year tenure wuth a major corporation in a rewarding and lucrative industry.  He also discussed with me some of his experience and knowledge about the many types of opportunities in the counseling field. The was immensely helpful to me and gave me a great uplift.   In our Social Services class people gave presentation of their interviews with service workers.  It was great to get a picture of all the types of human services workers there are and what there experiences and employment conditions are.  One lady shared that she interviewed a staff director who told her that her counselors start at a really reasonable pay grade.

All afternoon I worked on my final presentation for tomorrow.

Thanks be to God.

After class this morning I was able to devote a quality effort on the final project of the semester.  I am doing a presentation on life's greatest lesson from the book we read "Tuesday's with Morrie."  I am focusing on the problem of death.

I was a little stressed out about this after class today as several people did their presentations and focused on their passions.  They also all had visual presentations except for one and this compelled me to do one even though I wasn't planning on it.  I had a moment of panic in class that my presentation was due today, but it wasn't.  The teacher pulled my leg and called my name to scare me.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about the futility of schemes to shield the alcoholic.  It was a controversial topic split down the middle.  Some members put a heavy emphasis on avoiding people, places, and things.  Others, myself included, place all the emphasis on a psychic change and allow good decisions to follow.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning I did a presentation in my Social Services class.  I was grateful to have the faculties to get through it with ease.  I was grateful that I had it done well ahead of time and didn't have to be stressed over it.

In the afternoon I was able to get home and focus on finishing my paper for Personal Adjustment class.

I spent some time with the kids outside.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt very cognizant when I woke up.  It was the second good day in a row.  During my morning routine, I thought of a better approach to my school project that is in process.  I wished that I could capitalize on this inspiration but I had to feed the kids.  During breakfast I watched a program in which Fr. Barron spoke of the nature of God as being.  That this is what Aquinas said.  That God is not a genus but that God is being.  

We made it to mass on time.  It was the first week of Advent and I was deeply moved by our worship and music. Our priest gave a great sermon on the business of our buzy-ness.  He spoke of the need to prioritize the spiritual life.  After receiving communion, as I sat with my eyes closed in meditation, the point of light that I sometimes see out of the corner of my eye appeared more distinctly than ever before and directly in the center of my line of sight.  It also lingered more than ever before.  My daughter interrupted me but I was not aroused.  As we exited our pew I got separated from my wife and children and took up the end of the line.  I was feeling a little worn at this point from the effort that it takes to manage the children.  An elderly lady walked alone ahead of me and I felt her loneliness.  I thought of what it must be like to perhaps be separated from your loved ones.  For the days of buzy-ness and joy filled family life to be long gone.  The atmosphere turned eerily distant and echoing to me at that moment.  I suddenly felt a calling from behind in the sanctuary, from behind the altar.  I felt longing and sadness.  I felt love and passion wash over me.

I tried to work on my book report after dinner but my parents showed up to visit with my niece.  I thought it was odd and I couldn't help but resent it a little as I was feeling the pressure to work on my project due Tuesday.  We had a difficult discussion about my sister-in-law who called and griped at my parents this morning about her perceived lack of support from them for her son.  The entire time I had this feeling that I had important things to talk to my parents about but I couldn't find them.  When my parents left the house my dad started talking to me about how hard my niece took parting with her mother today and about other things.  I was grieved that he waited until then to try and talk as my mother and niece were waiting in the car and I really couldn't engage in the discussion that this merited.

I tried to work again this afternoon but was continually interrupted by the needs of my children.  I had a hard time keeping them active outside and off the video games.  I had to take a different tact with my son about baseball practice.  I had to inform him that it is not a choice for him to participate, that it is a requirement that he participate in a team sport and that we have decided that baseball is the best choice.  This is part of his personal character and health development.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Saturday morning I woke up a little earlier and considerably more alert than recent days.  It was one of those times when I feel inspired during prayer and find greater understanding and make additions.

I got to work a little on my school project due Tuesday.  But, my wife left me with the kids and this kept me busy.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  I felt stressed out from isolation with the kids all day and questioned whether or not to go.  But, I just had to get out of the house and interact with adults.  At the meeting I felt spiritually flat but felt better as I talked to people.  I also sensed that they were not completely inspired.  I was asked to present a topic.  I talked about my objections to relinquishing my will and read from the Twelve and Twelve. I was a little disappointed to drift into things I have already said at meetings recently.

During meditation my ears began to ring and the radiance of light that I sometimes focus on appeared in a very elaborate and distinct way.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found myself in a strange place having feelings of inadequacy.  I was thinking of my studies, of my choice of profession, about starting at the bottom perhaps or not getting enough education?   I was also thinking and debating in mind with people who have different views than me.  I think that I was placing myself too far into the realm of education alone as the sole source of wisdom.

I also thought some about identity.  About how how recovery from addiction became a large part of my identity when I got sober.  This didn't happen intentionally and I never thought about it this way, but it took up so much of my thought life and time that it sort of happened automatically.  I think that a large part of the reason for this is also the void that was left in the wake of the change of lifestyle that was a fundamental part of my previous identity.  However, rather than recovery being the central focus, perhaps spiritual awareness and formation are more apropos.

I also found myself feeling some deprivation of spiritual vitality this morning.  At one point my when my wife was gone and my sons kept interrupting me I got very angry.  I was trying to get started on my paper and thinking about my presentation for school and my feelings cascaded into a rage and blamestorm.  Fortunately I had the fortitude to resist them and to pray for serenity.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was about time spent with family during the holidays and how we deal with resentment. Afterward I got to talk to a friend about the married life and dealing with my own resentments instead of trying to change others.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I was very late getting to bed.  This morning I was late waking up and didn't quite make it through all of my prayers.  It might seem silly to write about this but I am doing so because I wish to maintain my faith in the importance of prayer and I wish to stick to the principle that routine sleep patterns are vital to peace of mind and good function.

Perhaps as a consequence of not getting enough sleep I forgot my backpack.  So I bought a spiral notebook and some pens at the campus store which is way overpriced.  Then I kept feeling remorseful about spending six dollars and couldn't let it go.  Perhaps that was a consequence of incomplete prayer.  Anyway, forgetting was completely inconsequential as we just had presentations today and I didn't need to take notes.

This afternoon I went and got a haircut.  It was the second in as many weeks.  I asked the stylist about her Thanksgiving plans and was taken aback by her response that she is not looking forward to the holiday.  She went on to describe her attitude as humbug about it.  She griped about her financial situation, and ranted about her husband's lack of employment and bad purchases.  She went on to talk about all the was in which the holiday is just a big annoyance and her dissatisfaction with her lot in life.  This attitude was at once startling and at the same time very familiar.  I was very grateful to that the holiday is truly meaningful for me now.  I told her about our families plans and how I have been teaching my kids the true meaning of Thanksgiving and how to appreciate all the graces in life that we might take for granted.

Again I felt overly remorseful about spending money (for the haircut).

In Human Growth and Development class we had a lecture about the late adulthood stage of life.  One of the issues that was reviewed was the importance of good sleep.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  We talked about the idea that we do not recover so long as we place dependence upon people over dependence upon God.  I got to talk to an old friend.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start for the second day in a row.  While I was getting the kids off to school I had some random thoughts about a better way to tell my story but I couldn't remember them later.  This was deeply disappointing.  I have to make a better effort to stop and jot notes somehow when this occurs.  In my first class I took a test and did very well.  Afterward I talked to a friend about his financial situation which is similar to mine.  I felt a lot better about things.

At noon I went to my youngest daughter's Thanksgiving presentation at our church.  I was glad to be able to participate in this sort of event to become more and more active there.

The rest of the day my wife was working and I had kid duty.  I got to do a landscaping task I have wanted to do.  I got to do some pre-cleaning for Thanksgiving.  I got to watch a show about the holiday with my kids.

Later I got to watch a very good episode of the program "Intervention."

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning was another slow, groggy start.  I never made it completely through my prayers before the kids were clamoring for food.  I got out of bed late and then after breakfast and cleanup went back to pray and fell asleep again.  During prayer I thought about a three part overview of prayer for personal formation, prayer for God's will to be done in the world, and prayer of intercession for others.

For some reason the past couple of days I have felt some loss of faith.  Not in mind but in feeling.

In the afternoon I took the boys to the park for some baseball practice.  We got in some good work and had a great time together.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about the problem people have admitting they are alcoholic.  I heard bad news afterward, a friend's son is on life support and the parents have been summoned to attend to his passing.  It appears that he is a victim of drug abuse.

When I got home I felt my spiritual connection renewed and I got caught up on journaling.  I got good news that my youngest daughter went to the potty on her own twice.  I thought about the role my friend who is losing his son has played in helping me keep my children.  I feel a great sense of sorrow for him and his loss.  Tonight I offer up my prayers for him and his family.

Thanks be to God for this day, and for my children.

This Friday I got off to a mentally slow start and never really felt like I got going.  Then I tried to study but had to attend to my youngest daughter repeatedly.  She just wanted someone to play with her.  I set her up to play several times but each time she would come sit in front of me and plead for me to play with her.  I finally gave in when she started falling asleep in her chair.

I never did feel right all day and I told myself that it was the moon cycle.

My wife was gone all day working into the evening so I had kid duty all day.  In the afternoon I took my middle son to therapy and took the other kids to the park.  I ran into my friend's wife and two sons and the oldest joined my oldest and i in throwing the football.

In the evening my serenity ran low and I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to a meeting.  But I enjoyed my time with the kids and we watched some cool cartoons.  At the end of the day I had a nostalgic feeling and the Flock of Seagulls song "Space Age Love Song" running through my head.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Thursday in personal adjustment class a student gave a report on a book about a guy who lived in Apartheid South Africa.  He talked about how the book gave a good description of the step by step process in which that system evolved.  I asked him if the book gave a better understanding of how these sorts of atrocious policies evolve and how good people think they are doing good things.  A classmate asked for explanation and I used the example of how the Germans were lured into Nazism little by little, justified by the perceived injustice and suffering of their people.  It didn't seem to be understood and my had to interject and try to explain.  It seemed to validate the reason that I brought this up.  Because I think that people do not try hard enough to understand why people do bad things, they prefer to just think these people are bad.  It is because of this that people and social groups continue to commit injustices.

After the book report our professor then talked about forgiveness.  She first talked about the premise that knowing how to forgive is essential.  That holding on to resentment is like taking a drink of poison and expecting the other person to die.  She went on to say that forgiving is not just to forget.  That one cannot forgive by the will to do so alone.  This resonated strongly with me.   Then she talked about a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.  In it the author discusses the struggles of children with highly abusive parents.  The author expressed some attitudes about forgiveness that I found questionable.  They are as follows from my notes:
People who have been severely hurt by there parents don't have to accept what their parents did to them.
They don't have to understand what they did.
They don't have to be okay with it.
They don't have to forgive like God.
They have to turn loose of the power that person has on them.  <---I agree with this
They shouldn't let them off the hook.

It's possible that I misunderstood part of this.  But in further discussion I realized that I was understanding the dimensions of forgiveness that she was describing.  It seemed very difficult to sustain.  She went on to tell the story of the book the Sun Flower in which Simon Wiesenthal tells the story of the Nazi that admitted his misdeeds to him on his death bed and asked for forgiveness, which he did not give.  She asked the class for their thoughts and the whys.

I had to say that I would have forgiven him, but this was given my understanding of forgiveness now.  I said that I would have thought of all the times in the past that people of my culture have committed atrocities to other peoples.  However, I certainly understood Mr. Wiesenthal's point of view since I would have treated it similar to him in the past.

Here are my thoughts on forgiveness:
I must forgive in order to be free of resentment, if not it will rot my soul.
I can forgive the person if I separate them from the offense.
In order to do this I must treat the offender as a sick person, a good person who went wrong somewhere.
It is imperative that I understand my nature, human nature, that I am just as capable of having gone this astray but for good fortune.
This in no way diminishes the gravity of the offense.
I don't have to like the person, or validate the behavior, just stop hating and blaming.
I must recognize that wrong paradigms, bad environment, wrong attitudes are the source of evil.
I must forgive in order to stop the cycle of justifiable resentment.
This sort of radical forgiveness might not be possible without faith in a Higher Power (at least its not for me).

I looked up the book after class and found it disturbing.  The coauthor's bio showed his picture and which he was between two candles and had prosthetic horns.  I found this eerie.

In the evening I attended initiation into a fraternal order of men at my church.  I am excited to become more involved for my family but I was troubled by the spooky rituals.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got off to slow start.  I took the kids to school and then went to class.  I finished the book for my end of semester report while waiting for class to start.  In class we talked about behavioral approaches to therapy.  I had some stimulating thoughts about sensitization, stimulus, reinforcement, and cause and effect in relation to relationship between the biological mechanisms and the reaction logic involved in conditioned responses.

After lunch I passed out for an hour and never really felt productive again.  I tried to get started on some school work but I never could get it together.

After I brought the kids home I got into a pretty serious confrontation with my son over following my directions.  He didn't want to do his baseball hitting practice.  I had to be steadfast while trying to be flexible and reasonable with him.  He ended up doing sentences for showing a ad attitude.  But eventually he did do his assigned tasks and actually had fun.  I joined him for the latter half.

I got to talk on the phone to a friend who is new in recovery.

I also did some practice with the two younger ones.  They are showing some good progress.  A friend of my son came to visit from 3 blocks away and when it was time for him to go home we rode bikes to escort him there.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had some thoughts about humility again. This might have been something I thought about some a little while back. It is the precise nature of humility. What is the greater dimension of the virtue? Perhaps rather than just being a feeling of modesty it is the true and more accurate awareness of the limits of one's abilities and the recognition that the seemingly less virtuous or less proficient person is actually just a less fortunate person. The person is not lesser in natural aptitude, rather that they are a product of less fortunate circumstances or environment than me.  There, but for the grace of God, go I.  Perhaps the significance of this is that one can never really see the truth if they are not in a state humble awareness, and one can never truly forgive another without this.

In Personal Adjustment class today our professor had us read stories about people who overcame great adversity and tragedy in life and went on to great success and self actualization by using their experience to inspire and help others.

At noon I met my wife at my son's school and we ate lunch with him for his birthday.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  A guy from our group brought his brother who has double digit sobriety.  He brought our topic, "have you a sufficient substitute?", a line from page from page 152 in the Big Book.

This got me thinking about the parallels between my new life and the old.  Both involved going to a place to share an experience of conviviality, companionship, and colorful imagination.  Both also involved a critical element on which this experience centered, in the bar it was the drinking experience, in the AA club it is the spiritual experience.

I also thought about what it was like to hang out at the bar without the booze.  Sometimes I would go there perhaps sick, or perhaps needing a sober day, with the idea that I would just drink coffee or a coke and play pool or something.  Or, I would run out of money, or get cut off, and still hang out.  It was stupid, boring, and glum.  It was a whole lot of boring people hanging out at the same place for hours on end, playing the same old games and the same old music and talking about nothing.

Likewise when I was in AA without a spiritual experience.  Before I committed to the spiritual life or when my spiritual vitality ran dry due to lack of action.   It would be interesting for a while but it would start to grate on me.  The same people would say the same things every week, they were always grateful and everything was a freakin' miracle.  It was stupid boring and glum, it was like the bar without the booze.

I guess you could say that the booze put the spirit in the bar.  The spirits, the booze, was the power that made it all wonderful.  It fired the imagination, livened the mood, and brought together people who normally would not mix.  But it came with a price, It was an addicted power that robbed me of the most sacred value of all, that of free will, of the power of choice.  In the end, as I became more and more isolated, it robbed me of the very experience that drew me in.

In the 12 Step fellowships the experience is spirited by a Higher Power.  But the experience is counter to the former.  It is a progressively greater, it increases one's imagination, joys and rewards, and relations to others.  It begins by willingly giving oneself and progresses into increasingly greater freedom.  Most of all the spiritual experience gives one back the ability to function, succeed, and gives meaning and purpose to life.

I had another slow start this morning but not as bad as yesterday.  I never really got a chance to pray effectively until I was in mass.

Our readings today were about justice in eternity for evildoers.  On the surface these seemed liked difficult beliefs to deal with but with a little thought there were two simple lessons that could be ascertained from them:  1. Everything on this earth is impermanent, so don't place your faith there, and 2. One can transcend the injustice on this earth through faith in eternal justice from God.  

This afternoon my son and I invented 2 fun baseball games in the backyard to make practicing fun.

I had feelings of aimlessness today but trudged through them just doing the next right thing.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We read pages that had a couple of major ideas that I found to be great sources of inspiration.  I thought about commenting in the meeting but chose to remain silent to practice humility. Several group members commented on the same thoughts that I had.  They brought up some excellent perspectives that I agreed and disagreed with: 

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone."  I thought about how this was a revolutionary idea to me for it's emphasis on change from within, despite one's circumstances and domestic difficulties.

"Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress."  Someone pointed out that this is an imperative that we must be willing to do intense sponsorship work to stay sober.  They pointed out that it is in the chapter "Working with Others" therefore it is so.  But in looking at the context, I took it as an imperative to uphold the standards of spiritual progress and  guard against become entangled in the new man's domestic affairs.  

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. "  This was the one that really caught my attention. I remembered how this really struck me when I was trying to find my belief.  It occurred to me that it was an incredibly bold statement for a fledgling organization trying to build credibility.  The idea that they would not use techniques of aversion but rather conversion was either proof of a miracle or based on experience.  Given that they all had under 5 years of sobriety, clearly it was the former.

Thanks be to God.

I felt out of it all morning.  I guess my body is still fighting off this virus.  I wondered if my joy/reward system is still screwed up.  I wondered if motivational fatigue is a form of depression.  Not the sort of depression where one feels sorry for themselves, but rather the sort of depression where one's motivational drive is low.  I thought about how I would probably do better at getting going if it were not for the immediate clamor of children in the house.  There were two kids here that spent the night in addition to my four.  Then two more came over and the party from last night continued.

I tried my best to recover at mid day.  I wanted to study but never was able to find the solitude.  My wife went to work at 3 so my service load doubled at that point.

At some point in the evening I was cooking dinner and I suddenly smelled something that made me think of cocaine.  I felt a moment of desire in my mind.  It passed immediately and I just found it remarkable that this could still happen, and so randomly.  I wasn't fantasizing about any part of the old life, I wasn't stewing in anger, I haven't had any conscious desire for anything remotely close to partying in years now.  Other than the occasional dream in deep sleep, the old life is like an ancient myth that doesn't even seem relevant anymore.

I was too busy to stop and think about it at the time but later I wondered again about this.  I also thought about how much time I still spend thinking about my addiction.  I thought back to the class about grieving and loss.  I thought about how drinking and using and my sex attitudes were part of my identity.  I was really attached to the part of me that savored imported beers, high quality blow, and lustful pursuits.

It is easy to understand how this left a void within me when I was in early sobriety.  When my sense of identity was still edgy, just without the intoxicants.  But what I find astonishing is how it still exists now after all these years, now that my concerns are so different.  Now my thoughts and identity are dominated my family, my studies, and religion.  You would think that there would be nothing in my thought life that were attached to the old passions.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I recalled looking for an easy reference to the Erikson's stages yesterday in class and decided to find one for a single page. I had to draft it myself and fell into a flow with it and couldn't stop until I was done.

This and a review of the stages of grief lead me to the stages of change model.

Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation - Has no intention to take action within the next 6 months
2. Contemplation - Intends to take action within the next 6 months.
3. Preparation - Intends to take action within the next 30 days and has taken some behavioral steps in this direction.
4. Action - Has changed overt behavior for less than 6 months
5. Maintenance - Has changed overt behavior for more than 6 months.
6. Termination - Overt behavior will never return, and there is complete confidence that you can cope without tear of relapse.

Today I learned of the condition of sensitization which is the opposite of tolerance. I realized that I experienced this.

I also came across the I-Change model of change:
1. Awareness - the result of accurate knowledge and risk perceptions of the person about his own behavior
2. Motivation - a person's attitude (the results of perceived advantages and disadvantages of the behavior), social influence beliefs (norms of others, behavior of others, and support of others) and self-efficacy expectations (the perceived ability to perform a particular health behavior).
Action - Self-efficacy, action planning and goal setting. Performing the new behavior, Coping or maintenance Development of skills required for the new health behavior.

This morning during prayer my thoughts drifted into the idea of critical thinking. I thought of it as a filter. There have been times when this concept has come up in conversation and the terms critical thinking have not seemed precisely right, it seems too aggressive. Maybe critical filter, or rational filter, or filter of reason is more appropriate.

In Personal Adjustment class our professor talked more about death and dying. It was very helpful in understanding how to be attentive to the needs of those coping with death or life crisis. I thought of my friend with a serious illness, and of my sister with cancer.

This got me thinking about Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of death. I thought about how this could be helpful for both those near, and the person themselves, in understanding the psychological states in the process of dying. I thought about how this could facilitate the state of acceptance and help improve the time that the person has and perhaps in their legacy.

My biggest interest in these stages however, is in relation to all the other losses and changes in life. We talked about the losses in our lives and drew pictures of them. I remembered how i went to the Kubler-Ross website and looked into her books and found out that she and others apply the stages in this way.

I think this will be extremely helpful in helping those struggling to admit their addiction to understand where they are and move towards action.

During Human Growth and Development class a discussion ensued about the condition of learned helplessness. There was a guy in class who couldn't get how people could fall into this behavior. I thought of all the book reports in Personal Adjustment class that covered the deeply traumatic lives of people that explain this problem. I realized how much I have befitted from these accounts, however difficult they were to sit through.

This morning I remembered that a friend called last night and asked to borrow a few bucks. I didn't meet his request last night, partly out of caution with people in recovery, but mainly because I was putting my kids to bed. I felt a little guilty for not being more willing to be helpful but looking back it was probably the right choice.

This morning the guy followed up with me and met me at school. I wished that I could help him more as he is genuinely trying to get on his feet. Interestingly enough, the topic in my Social Services class was on the good and bad of being a SS worker. Our professor talked at length about detaching and not trying to help too much or getting personally involved or too invested in outcomes.

Today I thought some more about existential psychotherapy, I read on a website of the givens of existence that listed them in additional terms and included a fifth:
1. Freedom, Responsibility, and Agency
2. Death, Human Limitation, and Finiteness
3. Isolation and Connectedness
4. Meaning vs. Meaninglessness
5. Emotions, Experience, and Embodiment
I also thought about my own theory of the structures of the psyche. To the idea of the being as composed of 3 parts:
1. Intellect: the mind, thinking, logic, reason
2. Emotion: the heart, instinct, motivational force,
3. Intuition: the soul, gut feeling, choice, judgement
I thought of how they have distinct but not separate functions. How they overlap in a sort of Venn diagram.

This afternoon I had to write up my mom's life story. I felt a great deal of honor and gratitude to have her as my mother.

Once again I have a cold. This morning 10 minutes before rising I felt so bad that I didn't think I was going anywhere today. I had to abbreviate my prayers today. I am grateful to have this worked out and that I did get to make take my youngest daughter to school and make it to my first class.

We got to talk about isolation, loneliness, and solitude today. The professor introduced us to the existential approach to psychotherapy. This approach resonated greatly with me. I was immediately taken with the idea of a common set of givens of existence: Freedom, Death, Isolation and Meaning.

After class I fell into a great deal of discomfort and felt distressed. I stopped at the bookstore but was in so much physical discomfort that I had to leave. When I got home I thought that there was no way that I was going anywhere else the rest of the day. I ate some chicken soup and drank a 7 up, took some medicine and went to bed.

Amazingly I felt better later and made it to my afternoon class.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. I got to connect with some friends that I have been missing lately. Our topic was about spiritual fitness and the psychic change that comes with this work. I thought about when it happened for me. About how I had gotten sober many times and struggled through months of fighting off the obsession to drink and/or use every day like clockwork. This was a monkey on my back that I took as a given. But when I began the 12 step process and had begun the personal inventory, at about 35 days clean, I noticed that the obsession had not come that day. Then a little while later I couldn’t remember the last day that this happened. I also had begun to experience an entire paradigm shift in my life struggles. This was astonishing to me because I had never experienced this type of sobriety.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday all my kids were home due to a school holiday. After my morning class I packed a lunch loaded the girls in the bicycle stroller and the boys rode on their bikes to the park. We had a great time, the weather was nice, the boys and i threw the football.

In the evening my mom came over and she helped me with my end of semester project by telling me her life story. I felt like I got to know her better through the perceptions and feelings that she shared with me about the events in her life. We went on for a long time and she had much more to share but I had to cut it short. I would like to do this again and hear more.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in meditation I thought of the idea of "Physician Heal Thyself" as the focus of my end of semester report. I started out my prayers in a state of worry and fear about school but found a good sense of focus and received a few more increments of clarification.

I also thought about the idea that my prayers (and those of the newly sober) should include a petition for removal of craving and obsession.

Today I was grateful for the extra hour of sleep.

Before mass I got to listen to watch the litany of the Sacred Heart (on TV) and listen to the scripture readings and to a sermon online. I am grateful for this also because we had no choir at mass and we had a fundraising presentation in lieu of the homily. The priest presented a great concept in regard to the afterlife, that of the subrational the suprarational argument. I thought the subject of belief in the afterlife was very synchronous with the book I am reading about the man dealing with his impending death.

also: Reductio ad absurdum (Latin: "reduction to the absurd") is a form of argument in which a proposition is disproven by following its implications logically to an absurd consequence.

I had to exercise a good deal of patience with my kids before church. My wife and I made a mistake by taking my youngest daughter who had a fever last night. She didn't feel well and cried a lot in the children's liturgy with my wife. When the kids were released I took my daughter out of the sanctuary and we sat in the van until mass was over. When my wife came out I asked her how things went and she said terrible. She went on to characterize the children as behaving badly every mass, I had to correct her in their defense and point out that the kids had been pretty good especially when they go with me alone. She went on to vilify the children's behavior and I found myself pointing out her short temper and inconsistent conduct with them as the cause of her problems.

As I sat in the van before she and the older kids came out, I listened to a talk by Fr. Corapi in which he quoted the parable: "Physician heal thyself", that is that one should attend at their own defects not those of others.

I am still not sure if this was self centered, or inconsiderate, or unjustifiably aroused bitterness. Or if perhaps it was appropriate for me to assert this in an effort to help our family.

My parents came to visit today. We had a great time together, my wife ran errands with my mom and I got to spend time practicing baseball with my dad and the boys in the back yard. I also got to line up my psychology assignment with my mom.

In the evening I got to go to an admissions function with the Knights of Columbus.

This Saturday morning I find myself really having to resist the injunctions that I have decreed for myself this week:
I have not been productive enough,
Our money is going too run out,
I am going to be dropped from math,
I am going to fail,
I can't do this,
My sobriety programming is lapsing,
It's all her fault.
None of these are true, they are all based on my fear instinct and I can walk through them by trusting and relying on infinite God rather than finite self.

This morning I was beginning to get resentful when my wife didn't wake up early and I had to attend to the kids. But she did get up at a fairly reasonable time and I was able to get started on an essay for the end of the semester assignment. My real problem here (again) was my own feelings not her actions. It was the "B" in the A-B-C's of resentment that was missing, it was my B-lief about the cause, not the true cause. I also got to spend some time catching up on journaling.

I have a simmering anxiety over not being able to do my review journaling again. This is the greatest gap that I have experienced in the past 7 years. I must again look to the ends, not the means, to keep my head up, while at the same time allowing the motivation to drive me to get back on track.

After lunch my wife started yelling at me for giving the kids leftover Halloween candy. She griped at me as she was passing through the living room and I was in the kitchen. I answered her in a regular voice that I was just giving them this for dessert. She went off on a rant yelling at me that they don't need dessert after every meal, it's not a candy free-for-all, they don't just get whatever they want, and several other things. She yelled at me long on hyperbole and short on communication. As I realized that she was not open to reason or calm, I simply backed away from the argument. The last thing I heard her say was that I am always concerned about them not getting fat, the implication being that I am contradicting myself. I thought about how it is reasonable to have dessert, how I never let them overeat or encourage large proportions, how she has always had problems with serving sizes, how my concern is that they get exercise (something she knows nothing about).

Here is one of those examples of how these days she has s very short fuse and a strong resolve for her demands to be met.

Last night I woke up and my wife was holding my hand. I thought today about how we don't share affection right now. I thought about the reasons why. She has always expressed to me that the initiative lies with me, that when i don't express affection to her she feels rejected and inhibited. Sometimes she holds back because she is angry but this rarely lasts and she typically recovers from anger in a way that is completely foreign to me. I on the other hand, do not recover from angry emotions quickly and even when I forgive, I still do not feel enthusiastically affectionate for a while.

In looking at the reasons for my reservation of affection, I think it is because I am shielding myself from coercion. I feel like that she has a mountain of ambitious, intricate and high demands for every aspect of all of our lives and the minute we become affectionate then she employs this to gain what she wants. This can't be good and it wasn't always this way. It seems that she regressed about the time that she started school.

There, now that I wrote about it, I have to resist it and let it go. I mustn't carry this resentment into every new day. I need to approach the moment without the baggage of the past.

Later in the day while updating my journal for Thursday I came across the following teaching about/from the encyclical Humanae Vitae by Pope Paul VI:
"To the Pope as to all his predecessors, marital relations are much more than a union of two people. They constitute a union of the loving couple with a loving God, in which the two persons create a new person materially, while God completes the creation by adding the soul. For this reason, Paul VI teaches in the first sentence of Humanae Vitae that the transmission of human life is a most serious role in which married people collaborate freely and responsibly with God the Creator."

I no longer felt inadequate for having to work at marriage, not just be happy.
I no longer felt guilty that the main love I feel for my wife is when I see my children in her.

The past few days I've got extremely tired in the afternoon and passed out really hard. I have to admit that this is troubling me. I want to be highly disciplined and energetic. Maybe my body is fighting off a virus, the kids are all sick with one staying home for the past two days. The past 3 days I have been the one to get the kids going in the morning. Come to think of it leading up to that my wife was sick and I had to carry much more of the load than usual.