This morning I was late waking up again.  But, I made it up on time to go to mass with the kids.  At mass while the lectur was giving the first  reading I saw an optical effect that I often see that looks like a persons aura.  But in  this case it rose and grew into the apparition of our lady of Guadalupe. Then when she gave the second reading it rose again into the figure of a man.  It looked like the figure of Christ on the shroud of Turin.  Then when the deacon read the Gospel I saw a similar effect on him.  But this time it was not over his entire figure just his shoulders.  Also, it was a darker color.  When the effect rose above his shoulders it looked familiar.  I realized that it looked liked folded angel's wings.  I got the impression of the Archangel Michael. 

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about making amends.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife and I were at odds almost immediately as neither of us could wake up early.  I was resentful at her that I could not follow up on a job inquiry early.  The truth is that I am afraid of taking it on.  Also, if I had woke up early then I would have been able to follow up anyway.

In the afternoon we had a major disagreement over my son's disciplinary consequences.  I was very disappointed in our inability to communicate civilly. I felt very angry that my son had to be in the middle of this.  I felt more angry at my wife than I have felt in a long time.  I had that trapped feeling that is not a good place for me to be.  I was angry about a lot of things, about the impending pressure of trying to start a full time job and go to school.  I had to pray a lot.

I enjoyed the time I had with my kids tonight while my wife was at work.

I am thankful for the good things God is doing for me and I am sorry that I have not appreciated them more.

This morning I woke up still sick but in a short time was much better.  Being sick the past couple of days has affected my spiritual activities.  I noticed that my anger was aroused 3 times this morning.  Each time I resisted but it seemed to indicate some spiritual deprivation. 

I thought some more about the meeting topic last night about the need to exercise patience and tolerance in the family.  I thought about the reading about discovering gold and mining the limitless load.  I thought of how the disease concept of addiction was the first nugget.  This helped me to understand, accept, and forgive myself.  It helped me to face the truth of my nature.  I thought of how the spiritual malady was the next piece about how I discovered that my real problem was an unmanageable life.  I thought of how the program taught me that f I could see that others were sick too then I could be free of the resentment that is the symptom of the spiritual malady.  By viewing others as perhaps spiritually sick too then I could extend them the same forgiveness that I was given.

IN the afternoon I went with my wife shopping for some essential clothing on sale and I was afraid of our spending.

Later I got a call about a job interview.  I was very apprehensive about this as I am now enrolled in school and I don't see how I will be able to work and manage school.  When I think about how this could affect my sobriety program I get angry at my wife.  This is not fair to her and I will just have to take it one day at a time.  I found myself thinking that I should be grateful for this opportunity from God but fear keeps me from appreciating it.

I got to talk to a friend in recovery this evening.

Thanks be to God.

Today I was in bed sick all day with a respiratory virus. I am grateful for a place to rest and recover.

I was afraid of not getting my wok done and not making the bills.  I will place my trust in God.

I got to go to a meeting tonight, our topic was dealing with resentments in the family.  

Thanks be to God.

This evening I read about Mother Theresa and her dark night of the soul.  I was astounded to read about this suffering in light of her virtue.  I became intensely grateful for my spiritual awakening and I became more aware of my own struggles and willing to embrace them for union with God.

This morning I got to attend the breakfast with Daddy event with my daughter.  I got to talk to several of the dads there.  I had a great time connecting with my daughter and she reviewed it with me tonight.  There was one guy there with an Obama button on and I thought critically of him.  Then he introduced himself to me toward the end and I really enjoyed talking to him.

During the day I got housekeeping done and I got the first draft of my writing assignment this week done. 

I got to talk to my uncle and cousin whom I have not seen in a long time.

I practiced baseball with my younger son and his cousin today.  I find myself thinking critically of my nephew and I have to resist and treat him as I would treat Jesus.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today was a good day.  This morning I was inspired by the daily reflection to think about the difference between membership in the 12 step fellowship and working the program. 

In the daily scriptures I read:

For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control.

 I got to take a walk down the trail on the grounds of our church with my daughter and kneel and say a Hail Mary.

I got to listen to the press conference for the announcement of our new bishop.

I got to take my oldest son to practice and prepare for his baseball tryout today.

I got to defend life today in a heated discussion with someone.


I got some homework done.


Thanks be to God.

This morning I read my discussion topic assignment for my speech communication class and could not get it out of my mind.  It was about the needs and directed me to read Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I like the direction of his theory but I think the needs parallel Freud's psychic apparatus model and can be divided into 3 categories, the instinctive needs, the desire needs, and the transcendent needs. 

Most of the day today I had to set aside my fears and desires to do my duties.

I am afraid that I am not getting my schoolwork done.

I was resentful at my wife for leaving this afternoon to go and do schoolwork.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about how amends help defeat denial and self deception.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to sleep in just the right amount but got up with the kids before 8 am and we watched The Friar.

I went to the ballpark and registered the boys for baseball this morning.  My youngest son went with me and we got to spend some great one on one time together.

When I came home all the kids went outside to play but were in and out as I tried to start a paper.  In frustration I walked out to the garage and rode to the park to focus on what to write about.  I asked God to help and then remembered about the bicycle crash that my son had 2 years ago.

I got the paper started before lunch.

I wasn't able to effectively work on my paper until this evening and I was a bit resentful at times.  But, we had a great time flying kites and fixing bikes.

I worked late and finished the assignment.

Thanks be to God.

Today I was home all morning with my youngest daughter and then had kid pickup duty as my wife was working.  In the morning I got another piece of homework done.  It was an interesting commentary titled "What is a need?"

In the afternoon I sat outside in the playscape clubhouse in the trees and watched the birds go by with my daughter.  Later I took down the Christmas lights.  My wife worked all afternoon.

This evening I cooked a BBQ dinner for the family.  After dinner my wife went to a meeting.  I was resentful because I have been stuck home all day.  I was pleased with my oldest son for practicing baseball, throwing footballs, and riding his bike.  Before that he got in trouble for whining to get on the computer but he responded appropriately after consequences.  I was pleased that my youngest son rode his bike for a long time. 

My older daughter played with her neighbor friend.

This day  I pray for the lives of the unborn.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I took my truck to get new tires.  I had two good tires with leaks both that had been previously repaired and I had two worn tires.  In the transaction I made a choice to buy the extra road hazard warranty because the guy convinced me that I had bought it before and the leaky tires would be replaced if no good.  Afterward I realized that I should not have bought this and wasted $40.  I had to accept that it was not a bad thing to have and that there were other complications in a confusing situation that contributed to my hasty decision.

At the tire shop I ran into an old sober friend and had a helpful conversation.  I guess God put me there for that and because he knows all the various scenarios and what was best.

I got a call today from a guy who can't stop doing coke but knows that he must.

Today I had to shuttle all the kids and barely had time to nibble at my homework before I had to do the next thing.  I began to get worried about getting it done and when I had to pick up my nephew I got frustrated.

Later I worked with my nephew on bike scooching and he was adamant that he could not do it.  He didn't like the way that I was directing him and I had to be insistent.  I felt uncertain about it but I persisted no matter how much he complained.  I suppose it was for the best.

I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to a meeting tonight.

I got to complete a small assignment.

Thanks be to God.

It's been a crazy, busy day with a lot of ups and downs.  I am grateful that we got my wife's van fixed today.

This morning I tried to prepare for my math pretest and I got very afraid as I was unprepared.  I was also afraid of the course load that I am facing.  I got resentful of my wife.  As the day pressed on and I had to interact with her and get caught up in the craziness my resentment tried to broil to a level that I hadn't felt in a long time.  I thought about things and tried to turn away and pray.

I thought a bit about obsessive micromanaging and micro-tasking of personal affairs. 

At mid day my wife surprised me by agreeing with me that I needed to drop a class.  She admitted that she was driving me obsessively.

The day ended on a positive note.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today was my first day of school.   I was afraid in the morning of not being prepared.  I made it to class on time but then when the material was described I was afraid of not being qualified for the class.  In the evening I went to another class.  I was afraid that I will not have time to do the work or the kids will be neglected.

My truck repair was finished and I got it back today.  Thanks be to God.
We got to visit with my friend the owner of the auto repair shop and his family tonight.

Psychic Apparatus
Mechanical structures of the mind mental apparatus
central concept of Sigmund Freud
structural model of the mind
people tend to look at mental health in terms of the biology of the mind, as in neuroscience.  But the mental wellness is a function of the mind not the brain.  Perhaps the difference between the mind mind and the brain could be thought of in terms of hardware and software.

This morning I thought about a character flaw where a person obsessively micro manages things to try and keep things in perfect order.  I believe this occurs where a person is very dependent on material world affairs.  I looked this up and it appears to be good ole OCPD.

 I also thought about the problem of self-sufficiency.  Not in the meaning of depending on self only but more on the idea of self-maintenance, particularly of the psyche.  I was thinking of reasons for faith and thought about how most people do not maintain their mental health and hygiene.  Most people operate on the presumption that the psychic apparatus is self-sustaining.

I also thought about how when I began the 12 step process that the process got me to take a deliberate look at all the stuff that I had presumed without knowing.  That I discovered the root of my inability to manage my life was based on these vacant presumptions.

I was home most of the day with the kids.  In the evening during their most rambunctious time I caught myself getting obsessively angry at them and I had to ask God for help to stop.  It worked.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I of the idea of hitting bottom as the realization of the loss of sanity.

This morning the homily was about the unity of marriage in particular the harmonhy between husband and wife.  I began to think that this is the difficulty that I face in the discord between my wife and I due to our opposing temperaments and methods.

During the mass I was looking at the cross and I saw something I had never seen before.  It was the diagram of the psychic apparatus.   I saw the superego on the left and the ego-id on the right and the boundary of the concsious-subconscious across the horizon.  I saw the intellect, instinct, and intuition on the body of Christ.   The right arm was the intellect, the left hand was the intuition, and the body was the instinct. 

At mid morning and mid day I had 4 insights that I wished to record but I couldn't find a point to get to my computer.  By the late afternoon when I could I was resentful because I could only remember 3.  I griped at my son for continuously interrupting me.   I was selfish and intolerant and demanding.

I was resentful at my wife for sending me to baseball registration today and it was closed.
I was resentful at my wife for choosing to be comedic and affectionate at the worst possible moment when my team was losing the playoff game.
I was resentful at my wife when she kept calling me from the store to ask if we needed things that weren't important.

I ask God to remove my resentments.   I realize that I am setting demands that result in my resentment.  I resolve to forgive her and to be grateful.

This evening I got to go to a meeting and participate in a group conscience afterward.  These things can sometimes be so difficult in the way that people mis-communicate with each other.

The meeting was about the disease concept and psychic change again.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about the account of Jesus healing the lame man lowered through the ceiling and how Jesus forgave him of his sins first before healing him.  I thought of this as His priority, that the inner healing is the first priority.

We had a great and stress free morning.  Everyone awoke on time and we didn't have any early appointments.  The kids attentively watched their religious oriented programs.  I learned about St.Benedict of Nursia and his Rule is summed up in the motto of the Benedictine Confederation: pax ("peace") and the traditional ora et labora ("pray and work").

In the afternoon I took the kids outside and my son with autism rode his bike without training wheels for the first time.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I thought about hitting bottom.  The dynamic of hitting bottom is when you feel a loss so great that it becomes more painful than than the desire to drink is pleasant.  But it's not hitting bottom that is important as is finding willingness.  The bottom can be raised if a person can be made to see that grave loss is coming if not intervened.  Sanity may be the greatest loss of all.

This morning I found myself contemplating a sort of new revelation about step one and I decided that I needed to revise my 12 step worksheets.   I picked up a 12 step workbook that I bought when I first got sober and compared it to what I was about to revise.  I was surprised to find that my revisions were going to make it just like the book.  I had come full circle.  It dawned on me that all the time that I had improved what I had learned from that book I had actually complicated it.

Today I thought some more about the written inventory.  I thought about how I can't brush my teeth without a toothbrush or take a bath without a wash cloth.  The paper and pencil are my toothbrush and washcloth.  I looked up diary and the therapeutic effects were cited as the primary purpose.  I saw that the practice arose with the rise of literacy and the rise of livelyhood which also gave rise to neurosis thus necessitating the use of writing to make personal inventory effective. 

This evening my wife and I and the kids went to a nice restaurant and ate hamburgers.  I am very very very grateful for those moments we had together.   I thought of the suffering people in Haiti and was more grateful.

After dinner and baths I got to go to a meeting.  I saw a guy there who had been awol for a while.  I had recently wondered about him out of nowhere.  He told me that he had been sober for five months.  He thanked me for the work we did.  I was very grateful to see him doing well.

I also got to talk to a new guy.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I went to a meeting because I would be home alone watching the kids while my wife worked.  As the meeting transpired I fell into this really strange state where everyone sounded pompous and egotistical.  I also felt this way about myself.  However everyone who spoke had helpful things to say.  It felt as if my thoughts were being influenced.

Someone shared that when they found themselves to be self-centered that they followed their sponsor's advice and thought of the things to be grateful for.  I thought of my resentment last night and how I poorly performed this and it worked.  I thought of much better it would work if I made a better effort. 

As the meeting went on I had to apply the process of recognizing a disturbance within and seeking spiritual management.  I was amazed to watch this work and at the end of the meeting I felt a complete shift of perspective to that of brotherly fellowship with those whom I had so judged.  

I ran into an old friend who needed to talk and we did.  He allowed me to work the twelfth step today.

Today my heart went out for the people of Haiti.  I saw videos about the tragedy that made the disaster very tangible.  I had the feeling that the best thing I could ever do in life is help others.  I felt a radical shift toward true altruism, something that has always eluded me.





I thought alot today of the psychic apparatus.  I thought about a lot of things and it occurred to me that I felt as if I finally remembered all the things that came to me on the night of the beginning of my spiritual awakening.  It was as if I put on the alien intelligence apparatus and knew all their secrets for a while and then it wore off and I finally have gotten to that place again through the cultivation of the spiritual life.

Today I also thought about the direction not to speak as from a spiritual hilltop and how that is about attitude not experience or knowledge.

 Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about de-constructing and re-constructing my reflection on the 100% step. I again had the intuition that my emphasis on complete abstinence was actually a different matter and that it should be a secondary offshoot of the concept rather than the primary statement. I believe that this might be the mistake that I often hear and disagree with.

The idea of doing step one 100% perfect may be more about getting it completely than performing it completely. But then again, when I get it completely I should know that quitting drinking cannot be done by cutting back or drinking less. I cannot settle for progress rather than perfection as with my other defects.

Perhaps what I often hear and disagree with is the misapplication of the concept.

Today I called my sister for her birthday. When she asked how I was I started rambling about my brother and his daughter and about my kids. At several points I felt the conversation was awkward. I am not sure if this is real or just my discomfort of what she thinks of me.

I had to admit to myself that I was resentful that I was stuck home all day because my wife had to run many errands and then I encouraged her to visit her friend in the hospital this evening.

This evening I thought about how self deception must be distinguished from denial. I also thought about how the amends steps of the 12 steps help to defeat denial.

This morning after breakfast I finished up a reflection of the reading from yesterday. Then I started to read today's reflection when I got a call from jail. It was my niece. She was locked up again and begging for help. The phone system cut us off. I spoke to my wife and we discussed her situation and what our attitude and approach ought to be given her unwillingness to change. We determined the best course of action would be to contact her father and relay her situation to him. I did so and found out that he was already in contact with her.

I had a long talk with my brother. We had an informative discussion about appropriate help and he opened himself up for discussions about how our philosophical convictions however well meaning can deter our ability to be effective. I was able to point out where his philosophical convictions may be obstructing him this way. I also couldn't help but admit my own to myself.

I called and spoke to my mother also. We had a good talk about appropriate help.

When I got back to today's reading I was amazed at how relevant it was.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I got to bring the topic. I chose to talk about the 100% step.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about the part of the psychic apparatus called the super-ego. I thought about how I lived with a misconception about what this meant. I thought about how a correct understanding of this concept might be elemental to effective self-control.

Superego
Synonyms:
alter ego, alterum, better self, censor, coconscious, collective unconscious, conscience, conscientiousness, conscious self, death instinct, ego-id conflict, ego ideal, ethical self, foreconscious, grace, inner arbiter, inward monitor, moral censor, humble self, other self, psychic apparatus, social conscience, twinge of conscience, vital impulse, voice of conscience, moral sense, sense of right and wrong, scruples

Anthropomorphic
# Anthropomorphism is the attribution of uniquely human characteristics to non-human creatures and beings, natural and supernatural phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthropomorphic

# Having the form of a man; given human attributes
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/anthropomorphic

Theriomorphic
having the form of a beast
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/theriomorphic

I thought about how the steps are the process of building a better ego, superego (conscience) that is.

I thought about how the Gospel account of Jesus and the law expert.

I had to kill some time between taking my wife to the dentist and my youngest daughter's school so I got to go to the doughnut shop and have one on one time with her. Thanks be to God for this joyful interlude.

At mid-morning I got into a heated discussion with my wife about her attitude toward particular things and I informed her that she doesn't like to be told no. I was thinking that she doesn't allow herself to have a strong inner arbiter. As the words rolled out of my mouth I knew that at some level I was being self-centered. I guess at the very least I was motivated to tell her this because I was reacting to my limited vision and impatience to allow God to work.

In the afternoon I had to deal with a discipline issue with my son and some question of his trustworthiness. God helped me to stay calm and objective and sort through what was real and what wasn't. I was able to execute appropriate discipline and offer guidance. Thanks be to God for wisdom.

I was able to spend some time this afternoon working on my son's BMX bike. I am beginning to develop a new hobby.

This evening I got to go to an AA meeting. After the meeting I went outside and talked to friends. A good friend of mine and mentor in the program was in an emphatic discussion with another person about the daily inventory. His emphasis at the time was something that I have heard from him frequently that he doesn't believe the daily ledger should be written. He cited some of the common reasons and his objections, mainly that it is untenable. This got me thinking about it enough to write about it.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about the account of the lawyer who asked Jesus if the commandments should be followed and how Jesus gave the greatest commandment amended with love thy neighbor as thy self. I also thought of how He used the parable of the good Samaritan and asked who was the best neighbor.

Our mass reading today was the Baptism of the Lord. Our priest talked about how Jesus blessed the water rather than the water blessing Him. He also talked about how the three persons of the Trinity were all present in the same event.

The daily reflection today was the first step reading of admitting to the innermost self. I thought of how the statement of smashing the delusion is about being able to drink like other people not about suppressing the memory of enjoying drinking.

In the evening my wife got to go to her meeting. She found out that her friend is in the hospital and she went to visit her.

I got the kids to bed without any problems.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all got up on time and had a productive start to the day. I said prayers with the kids and got them thinking about watching their behavior. We got to spend time together and put away the Christmas stuff in the afternoon. Then we got to spend some time outside.

I thought about taking a new Big Book and highlighting it according to my 12 Step assignment guides. I wrote a post about the loss of choice.

A very good friend stopped by this afternoon.

I did some research about angels and was surprised to find out about their different roles. I began to believe that the angel of my vision was Selaphiel because of his role.

He is one of the seven archangels in Eastern Orthodox tradition, and in traditional folk Catholicism.[1] When depicted in iconography by himself or with individual characteristics, he is shown in an attitude of humble prayer, with downcast eyes and arms crossed over his breast.[2] Prayer is considered his special attribute,[3] and Orthodox Christians will seek his help if their prayer is suffering from distractions, inattentiveness, or coldness.

This evening we had a nice dinner and watched the Cowboys beat the Eagles in the playoffs.

Thanks be to God.

This morning, early, I found myself contemplating the foundational need to be able to admit wrongdoing. First I thought of someone going through a struggle who can only see the wrongs of others. Then I thought of the spiritual axiom that whenever I have a disturbance that there is a problem with me. I was grateful for the support and foundation I have that begins with an admission of powerlessness. Then I was glancing through the the Catholic Spirit newspaper and I read something the Pope said about the need for reconciliation and that we must be willing to admit our wrongs first. Then I read the daily reflection which is about the loss of power of choice. Then I read the daily scripture from the Gospel of Luke which was about a leper that Jesus healed. Now there was a man full of leprosy 3 in one of the towns where he was; and when he saw Jesus, he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said, "Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean." The man didn't have the power to heal himself he had to admit he was powerless. This is the simple truth, that powerlessness means lack of choice. My disease, whether it be alcohol, drugs, self-centeredness, or sin, has dominion over me and makes the choices for me. Only God has the power to restore me to sanity and the freedom to choose.

This evening I went to a 12 Step meeting at my addiction fellowship. When I got there I realized that it was a speaker meeting. Having been isolated so much lately I felt like I needed to go to a regular meeting rather than listen to one person speak for an hour. I made a rash decision to go to a different meeting and I darted out the door. I drove around to one location and there was no meeting there. Then I went to another club where I knew there was an 8 o'clock meeting. When I got there I began to speak to a gregarious person. She was someone that I recognized from another group, she was one of those people who seems to be enjoying sobriety. in our conversation she said that she was there to tell her story. I realized that this was a speaker meeting. As the crowd gathered I realized that it was going to be a huge crowd in a small room.

I decided to leave the meeting. As I was walking 2 blocks to my van I had a change of heart and started to walk back. Then I changed my mind and went to the van and left. I changed my mind 3 times in my van before going back. I had to sit alone in a back room. I thought about my self-centered thinking that separated me from others. I was glad that I went.

This evening in prayer I realized a slightly new approach... That God help me to review my conduct and identify self-centeredness, that God help me search out the flaws in my makeup and be rid of them.

This morning I kept thinking about the program I saw about happiness last night and I felt invigorated in my participation in 12 Step fellowships. I also thought alot about my family and decided to find the resolve to be motivated to find ways to make this home succeed.

I got to have a nice little donut breakfast with my daughter.

I was very proud of my children's report cards today. One of them was perfect.

I felt good about finishing the repairs on my son's bike.

Tonight my mom came to visit because she is going to see my sister after her visit to the cancer research center. I am afraid that she is going to tell them that her prognosis is not good. I will pray for her.

We got to watch our team play in the national championship game tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to a very early start taking my wife to work.

During the day I got very focused fixing my son's bike. I got too fixated on it and I didn't do anything else. I regretted this. This was selfish even though I was doing it for my son. I didn't do other things that I should have. It was also selfish because I was wrapped up blindly in this project.

I got kind of stressed out on the way to pick up my wife. The kids were all hungry and complaining and crying and yappin' with each other. When we picked up my wife she helped me get them under control and she made me very happy.

Tonight I turned on the TV at a really bad time. I began watching a program that drew me in. The program was about seeking happiness. I went through a scientifically based study of the concept. They spent some time with a guy who won the lottery. They spent some time with a guy who lost his job. They spent some time with a lady who has cancer who has fear and anxiety. Her main focus on anything besides chemotherapy was on whether it would cure her not on her happiness. 35 minutes into they mentioned religion and morality in passing as strong attributes of those who survive difficult trials like prison in Viet Nam. The program spent a lot of time talking about self help. One hour into it it took an interesting turn and talked about AA as the path to happiness for many people. The son of Bill Moyers was interviewed. They then focusing on a program of positive psychology. The guy who lost his job tried this with little improvement to his happiness. Then they showed a scientist who studied the minds of buddhist monks and showed that his research found that their minds did not get relaxed but got very focused and active. The Dalai Llama supported thins because he would like to help people build more healthy minds, compassionate minds.
Toward the end they gave the conclusion that happiness is what you make it with your mind. They cited a host of naturalistic conceptions including altruistic pursuits as a means of recovery from grief.

This Emotional Life
Wednesday, January 6 -- 8:00pm KLRU
Rethinking Happiness
A look at happiness, what it is and how to attain it, featuring the stories of people facing major events in their lives, including a cancer diagnosis and the death of a child. Also: why people often are wrong about will bring them happiness.

This morning I thought about the spiritual experience some more.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of an idea to take inventory of the prospect's major objections from steps 1-3. So steps 1-3 are reading and then discussion of the propositions concluding with the 3rd step prayer. Every time the prospect raises an objection then this is written down for the inventory. When the inventory is taken these are the first items to be examined. Then only the major personal relations are done. It occurred to me that this is part of the character amends that must be made. I would call this the "resistment" inventory.

Today I thought about several other things:

Amends come in three forms - personal amends, life amends, and character amends.

The steps give me a thought life management process. This help me to attain a manageable life, the process helps me to accept the things I cannot manage, to manage the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The deliberate process of seeking better living paradigms re-forms the value-desire dynamic and facilitates a joy-filled life and cultivates a life that is greater than good.

My life has gone from less than zero to greater than good.

Acute infectious respiratory illness - AIRI, the common cold.

Today I did some more college registration activities.
I got to talk to a friend in recovery.
I spent some time teaching my middle son learn to ride his bike without training wheels.
My oldest son had a severe meltdown over some punishment that my wife had to give him.
Tonight I got to go to a meeting. I started to go to a huge and popular AA meeting that I go to about once a year on Tuesday night but I turned around halfway there because I felt compelled to go and support my home group. As the meeting transpired I thought about how many of the people looked like misfits and shared awkward things and I realized how much I had drifted into self-centeredness. The meeting turned out to be outstanding with a good friend and his dad both picking up 6 year keytags.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up back on school time but could not stay up. Then I was back and forth, fitfully asleep and barely awake. I ended up struggling to get out of bed late and then after feeding the kids and taking a shower I fell back asleep again. I resolved to get to bed by 9:00 PM no matter what.

Eventually I got up in the last hour before my assessment test and I argued with my wife about my preparedness and she had to do an errand for me that I was supposed to do. I did a little pre-test study and found that I was not as unprepared as I thought I was. This morning I was paralyzed with a subtle form of fear. When I recognized this I prayed to get past it.

After the test I was relieved that everything went well. I aced the reading and writing portions and I did better than expected in math. I enjoyed the scholastic work and came out so optimistic about the future that I now have a problem of picking between long and short term goals. Later my wife and I made amends, she went first.

This morning I got a call from a person who recently went through a major struggle. I regret that I never had a chance to call him back. Later I got a call from a friend in recovery and we spoke for a while about sponsorship.

Today I thought some about some things that I wanted to say the other night in a meeting but couldn't quite conceptualize. It was the idea that this program has given me an awareness of the need to maintain my spiritual condition and a simple process to do it. This is the most the key to experiencing the joy of living.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all made it to mass on time.

Today my oldest son had some behavior problems and my wife was a ball of stress.

This evening I feel very enthusiastic about starting school and the direction I have decided to take but I am very afraid that it just can't be done and raise 4 kids at the same time.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and listen and then talk to a guy afterward and offer advice about seeking guidance with kids.

I am asking God to help me find peace this evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed at 7:45 and got the kids up at 8 - 8:20. I felt good about this until this evening and then the kids didn't make it to bed until 10:30. I was resentful at my wife for this.

Today my wife and I bickered about a home repair but I found a temporary solution that appeased her. I also found serenity in the face of her outbursts and mine.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. It was a strange event with some new faces and an outburst of proselytizing.

For some reason I feel that I have been selfish today.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got out of bed at 8:30. I was a little disappointed not to have gotten up earlier but then I remembered that it was New Year's Day and that I didn't have a hangover. Actually I had already realized that as I woke up and remembered during prayer 30 minutes earlier but my gratitude for my sobriety increased in this moment.

The kids and I went outside and rode bikes around 9 am and in the solitude of New Year's morning I again experienced gratitude at the miracle of sobriety. My thoughts also turned to the real miracle which is sanity. I thought about how my new life is made possible by the idea that sanity is a critical aspect of life that requires maintenance. In fact it is the most critical aspect of life and should be prioritized at all costs. Sanity Maintenance First

I also thought some more about the idea that AA provided me with mode of rational spirituality and rational religion.

I also thought about the idea that I came to believe in the benefit of the God concept as a step before coming to believe in God or specific theology.

I also remembered the idea of steps before the steps. Of the .0 steps before step one and perhaps some in between particularly around step 2.

I also remembered some thoughts I had about character building and how this is part of step 11 perhaps step 12.

I thought about how some folks say that step 1 is taken before the steps but while I agree with the sentiment I don't think it is true because I couldn't take step one effectively until I understood what powerlessness & unmanageability meant as define in AA.

I also thought about my career path and came to some critical conclusions that would resolve the crisis that I have been in the past few days. I realized that I have a larger capacity to have different career paths and that I should pursue the one that can provide for my family first.

Today I was thinking about the sacrament of reconciliation. I thought of it less as a meeting to open up, discuss, and be counseled about sins and be rid of them but more like a renewal of baptism. Perhaps the sins should be processed beforehand and then the confession is more of a re-commitment to God. I don't think this is new to me but rather re-new to me today.

My parents visited us this evening and we had a great time talking about things but I talked about drinking and my gratitude for sobriety and the difference between normal drinkers and alcoholics and they reacted awkwardly.

I watched the movie 2010 with my son. Something is going to happen, something wonderful!

Thanks be to God.