This morning, early, I found myself contemplating the foundational need to be able to admit wrongdoing. First I thought of someone going through a struggle who can only see the wrongs of others. Then I thought of the spiritual axiom that whenever I have a disturbance that there is a problem with me. I was grateful for the support and foundation I have that begins with an admission of powerlessness. Then I was glancing through the the Catholic Spirit newspaper and I read something the Pope said about the need for reconciliation and that we must be willing to admit our wrongs first. Then I read the daily reflection which is about the loss of power of choice. Then I read the daily scripture from the Gospel of Luke which was about a leper that Jesus healed. Now there was a man full of leprosy 3 in one of the towns where he was; and when he saw Jesus, he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said, "Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean." The man didn't have the power to heal himself he had to admit he was powerless. This is the simple truth, that powerlessness means lack of choice. My disease, whether it be alcohol, drugs, self-centeredness, or sin, has dominion over me and makes the choices for me. Only God has the power to restore me to sanity and the freedom to choose.

This evening I went to a 12 Step meeting at my addiction fellowship. When I got there I realized that it was a speaker meeting. Having been isolated so much lately I felt like I needed to go to a regular meeting rather than listen to one person speak for an hour. I made a rash decision to go to a different meeting and I darted out the door. I drove around to one location and there was no meeting there. Then I went to another club where I knew there was an 8 o'clock meeting. When I got there I began to speak to a gregarious person. She was someone that I recognized from another group, she was one of those people who seems to be enjoying sobriety. in our conversation she said that she was there to tell her story. I realized that this was a speaker meeting. As the crowd gathered I realized that it was going to be a huge crowd in a small room.

I decided to leave the meeting. As I was walking 2 blocks to my van I had a change of heart and started to walk back. Then I changed my mind and went to the van and left. I changed my mind 3 times in my van before going back. I had to sit alone in a back room. I thought about my self-centered thinking that separated me from others. I was glad that I went.