This morning I thought about de-constructing and re-constructing my reflection on the 100% step. I again had the intuition that my emphasis on complete abstinence was actually a different matter and that it should be a secondary offshoot of the concept rather than the primary statement. I believe that this might be the mistake that I often hear and disagree with.

The idea of doing step one 100% perfect may be more about getting it completely than performing it completely. But then again, when I get it completely I should know that quitting drinking cannot be done by cutting back or drinking less. I cannot settle for progress rather than perfection as with my other defects.

Perhaps what I often hear and disagree with is the misapplication of the concept.

Today I called my sister for her birthday. When she asked how I was I started rambling about my brother and his daughter and about my kids. At several points I felt the conversation was awkward. I am not sure if this is real or just my discomfort of what she thinks of me.

I had to admit to myself that I was resentful that I was stuck home all day because my wife had to run many errands and then I encouraged her to visit her friend in the hospital this evening.

This evening I thought about how self deception must be distinguished from denial. I also thought about how the amends steps of the 12 steps help to defeat denial.