This morning I only had to work for 3 hours. I left work at 10:30 but then realized that if I stayed downtown I could go to the noon meeting. I went there and was the first one to read. The two paragraphs were so short and they told of a person who was a hobo, so I didn't have anything to share about them. The story started with they guy talking about how he was mistreated as a child. It got me thinking: If my real problem is that I have a spiritual malady, which came first the malady or the alcoholic, they chicken or the egg?

I had something to share about it but the chairperson wrapped up the meeting after we went around once. I thought that I should have shared during "burning desire" time. I think I might remember that I might drink if I don't share.

This afternoon I did some much needed cleaning in the garage. I also played outside with the kids on their bikes. My son and I played Hacky Washers.

Tonight My wife took my son and my neice to "First Night Austin", the New Years Eve celebration. I stayed home alone with the kids. I feel resentful that I can barely handle it and I have bad allergies and I can't seem to get caught up with the cleaning. ***Selfish

I am grateful that my wife and kids are having a great time.
I am grateful that my kids have a good chance at life.
I am grateful that we have a loving home ad good times.
I am grateful that I had another year sober and a spiritual awakening.
I am grateful for a loving God who redeemed me.

I am grateful for the best year of my life and the best one to come.

We had a good day today. I got the boys up on time and we went to Church in good spirits. Today was the Feast Day of the Holy Family. I thought it especially fitting since the focus of my 4th step last night was family relations.

Last night My sponsor spent a long time with me on my piece of inventory. He was very thorough with me on my 3rd column and he pointed out some things that were additional insights that added to my own perspective. It was just what I needed. Then he pressed me in some additional areas that I didn't really think were necessary.

By the time we looked at where I was to blame, I felt we had already taken an excessively long time on just one resentment. Again he added a little to my own perspective but then he pressed me on some additional things that I thought exceeded the scope of the work we needed to do. By the time he dug what he wanted out of me we had gone full circle to what I had already seen in the work I did by myself prior to meeting with him.

Then he tried to work with me on what he felt he suspected was a long term lack of surrender. At this point I had become so discordant that I almost missed the most important thing he had to offer.

I thought about it today and reconsidered what he told me that he suspected. I need to persevere to grow in spiritual vitality. I need to grow to be able to withstand these types of spiritual assaults. I failed not because it was just one too many and I fell short as anyone else would. But I failed because I was not fit to handle it.

This morning got off to a good start. I got up with the kids and we had breakfast. I did some cleaning, set up my son's new video game and I played physically with all three kids.

At midmorning my wife woke up and got angry with our middle son (the austistic one) for playing with a toy she is trying to sell. I was asleep so she blamed me for not preventing it. The toys had actually been out since the night before and I didn't even know she was selling them. I argued back and she really started yelling at me. I got so angry that I yelled at her and then I threw a toy through a window, breaking the glass.

I had to do a 4th step and meet with my sponsor tonight.

Otherwise it was a great day.

I got to go to a meeting. The topic was from the family afterward about using our dark past as an asset to help others. Their was awkward silence as it was a difficult topic for people to share. I was able to help open it up even though I didn't all that much like sharing.

The topic was synchronous with what I needed to hear because I had been thinking that I didn't want to do family night with my wife anymore. The topic was also synchronous with the Daily Reflection today which was about the "Joy of Good Living" through Step 12.

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow today.

It was a busy and productive day at work today.
I got to have a nice little breakfast at work.
I got to talk to a couple of guys about spirituality in conversations about the Tibetan Book of The Dead.
I had to deal with some difficult challenges with customers but it helped me grow in understanding.
I got to do some service work for the meeting schedule at lunch by speaking to rep of a church where a meeting used to be held.

At times i was afraid of my financial situation.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting tonight.
I got to share about "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".
I got to speak to a sponsee.
I got to speak to my sponsor.
I got to give Blind Dave a ride home and have a good talk about things.

It was another Best Day of my life.

This morning I woke up feeling very bad that I had a sore throat. I was afraid I was going to be sick and miserable at work. I woke up too late to eat breakfast but I strove not to think myself into a bad morning. At work I found a muffin and some raisins. I took some medicine that was in my bag.

By midday I forgot that I had felt sick and I was never hungry or lacking energy all morning.

Today I got a phone call from our contact at the treatment center about speaking at Family Night with my wife.

Today the remaining tension from the resentment I had with a coworker lifted.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.

I got to do some service work for the CA website.

I got an email from my old coworkers.

I got to play some good table tennis matches.

This evening my wife and I worked together to get the kids bathed so she could go to her meeting. I tried to keep a cheerful spirit and be prepared to get to bed early.

The kids helped me clean up and all was peaceful and easy going.

I got a call from an addict just coming back from a relapse and offered him encouragement without judgement or self-righteousness.

I should call more of my friends.

Last night I referred to internal housekeeping. I remembered that yesterday at some time I thought of an analogy of cleaning house and internal Feng Shui. I thought of this in the sense of a tidy and well composed internal self as the key to wellness.

Today I felt some despondence over our financial situation. We had a financial crisis and i felt worse. I read today's reading from "Daily Reflections" and it referred to practicing the principles in all our affairs in the sense of remaining at peace in difficult times. This evening I had to borrow money from a friend who offered... again. I was not happy about it but he does it in the spirit if Christ. I too must deny myself and take it in the same spirit. It was awkward and uncomfortable but I did it for my family. I found some solace in the thought that we will be prosperous in teh future and be able to pay him back. Or pass it on.

Today at work their was a time when everyone gathered near me and were laughing and talking about their weekend while I was working. They were gathered around the guy who I had a recent resentment with. The talked about gossip and self-centered experiences and events. They made fun of parents, religious people, children and addicts. I felt a little separated. I persevered working with a free spirit and I joined them in a laugh or two.

Tonight my wife got angry with me about something small. I had to resist fighting even though I thought I was in the right. She apologized later.

I am most grateful for peace today.

Today our family took a trip to visit my Father-in-law and his wife. I originally didn't approve of the trip because I didn't think it was practical to try and take all our kids on a 2 hour drive and try to handle them at my in-law's house. I tried not to fight with my wife about it even though she had misconceptions about why I didn't want to go. In the end I went and we had a great trip.

We had a great time even though it wasn't easy and it wasn't perfect. We kept our Christmas tradition of taking a trip.

I never got irritated with anyone or anything. We shared some great conversation about life, love, kids, family and God.

I take that back, I remember my wife reminding me to keep the Christmas spirit some time before we left but I don't remember what for.

Once again I am too tired to remember all my internal housecleaning and inspiration today.

At some point during the day today I felt like I am just making time until my kids are independent. - selfish

Our kids got to open their parent's gifts tonight.

I could have been kinder and more forgiving today.

We took the kids to Mass tonight but it was extremely difficult.

The priest called all the kids to the altar and my wife went. By the time my wife and kids got up their they had all got settled and started. I cringed as my daughter who was too young went up there and then cried. But she stopped right away and the Fr. James was kind and joked with her. My kids were beautiful and it was a precious moment that will be a very important memory in their spiritual formation.

Today I thought about the Christmas Spirit. The thought started with something someone said when I was in a conflict with someone yesterday. A guy said "Where's the Christmas Spirit, guys?".

When I inventoried that situation I had to practice Sacrifice and Forgiveness. I thought about what Christmas means. It is the celebration of the gift of Christ. Humanity received the gift of God walking a lifetime as a man to be crucified. He sacrificed Him Self for us so that we could be forgiven for our sins.

This is the Gift I must reciprocate to others. I must be willing to sacrifice my will and to forgive others so that God's will may be done. In doing so I receive sanity, peace, power and happiness.

In studying Step 12 this month I see the synchronicity of this step with the Christmas Spirit. Having received the gift of spiritual awakening I must sacrifice my self in carrying the message to others and practice forgiveness in all my affairs.

Today someone took the wrong meaning from something I said and spouted off about it. Rather than say something to me directly he sent a reply all email to everyone at work and made sure to talk to everyone about it all day. I spoke to him right away and told him that I didn't mean it the way he took it. But it didn't matter, he stuck to his perception.

My mind began to go over some solid rebuttals and defensive actions. I felt that I could have put up a great fight and made him look bad.

But I had to stop it. I had to resist the train that started rolling in my head. I had to clench my teeth and pray for God to save me from being angry.

I had to look at the fact that I was disturbed. I wanted to keep going as if I was just making objective arguments and was not angry but I knew inside that it was not true. I was faced with looking at what part of my basic instinct was aroused.

I knew immediately that my anger was a defense, that I was really afraid.

My ambitions were threatened, I wanted things to go a certain way and they did not.
My security was threatened, I could be evaluated poorly at my job.
My personal relations felt threatened, people could perceive me as difficult to get along with.

I started the ball rolling by being cavalier in my choice of words.

Not only do I need to resist my desire to hate but I need to look at the person as a friend and forgive his transgression.

I got to go to a meeting at noon and it was the last part of Acceptance is The Key.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Tonight I was very tired and my wife got angry with me for not doing much.

Thank God for a process to find acceptance, grace, and peace of mind.

Today I thought more about humility being the key to acceptance, surrender, honesty and willingness. Pride, willfullness, delusion and denial are the obstacles. The root cause of these is fear.

Tonight I got very angry about my wife going out to an evening meeting and the house is a mess.

I had to pray for God to remove my anger.

My son read this lat line over my shoulder. He advised me that I should always close my review with a thank you to God for a good day. He added that if I didn't have a good day that I should just thank God for THIS day.

I also just recalled that the doorbell ring as I was thinking about how old I am and can't sustain these long days. As my son and I opened the door a UPS truck was pulling away. There was a package at the door. I remarked about how late they were working. A feeling came over me that these long days are my job.

Thank you God for a good day and for acceptance.

Today I got to go to a meeting at noon. The reading continued in the story "Acceptance was the Key". I realized the teller was speaking of an inner acceptance in step 1. That the "admission" was not just facing the facts, but truly conceding in the innermost self that he was an alcoholic and surrendering.

This evening I got to speak to a relative dealing with an addict in her life. I was able to advise her to seek help for herself.

Yesterday at noon I got to a meeting. The reading was from the story "acceptance was his key to success". I read about how he blamed every thing else for his drinking except himself. About how he came to accept that he had a disease.

I thought about this alot all day and into today. About how important it is to "ADMIT" that we are powerless. About how it is more than a simple admission. That to "admit' is to let in the truth. About how this is a deep admission, a full concession in my innermost self. It occured to me that perhaps humility is the key to removing the obstacles to this acceptance. It also occured to me that pride and ego are my obstacles to this. I looke at this like a peice of inventory and identified the obtacles. Rather than just pray for willingness perhaps I can pray for the removal of pride and ego that block me from power.

Maybe this can be formulated into a prayer that I might share with newcomers seeking acceptance.

God,
Please remove the things that keep me from seeing the truth about myself.
Please remove the ego and pride that block me from your power.
Please remove my fears that are the root cause of my problem.
Please remove my self-reliance that I may come to rely on You.
Please God, grant me the willingness to be willing to be willing.
Amen

Today my wife had a dead battery and I had to come home from work. On the way home
I kept the radio off in the truck while I was thinking about this. I was moved suddenly to turn the radio on. Father Corapi was talking about humility. He said that humility is not something that he can produce. He said that he is incapable. He said that he has to pray for this and that the Holy spirit grants him that which he is not capable of.

Yesterday evening I found out that I had accidentally turned the emergency shutoff valve to my neighbor's house the night before. Her water was off all day and night and she had to call out a plumber. I had to go talk to her and pay her for the fee. I was remoreseful about the financial loss

The flip side of this was that she was very nice about it and expressed gratitude that it wasn't a busted pipe. We had a long talk about this and other things and she never mention the dead cat that we thought she was angry about.

Last night I had a dream that I was at rehab and had written pages about all of my problems and about a lot of recovery virtues like setting goals and relapse prevention. But when I read the paper on powerlessness I only had one line and it trailed off as I got distracted. This reiterated to me how I have to focus on what's really important and not on my circumstances.

I had persistent remorse about the financial loss but my wife helped me keep perspective on it. I prayed for God to remove my fear and I talked to someone about it.

I had a good day today despite some snafus and another day of cough and sneezing. I won at table tennis and work was productive.

This evening I wa so tired I had to crash at 7:30 but I woke up for a little while to do this review.

This morning I woke up late and I didn't sleep well with Christie being out late last night and with the cold I had.

I was resentful towards her.

I tried to let it go and not to stress about making it to Church on time. We made it and we made it on time. I took the boys for donuts afterward.

At midday I felt sick and exhausted. My wife ran some errands after she went to the 11 o'clock mass. By the time she came home I was resentful again.

This afternoon I had to fix a plumbing problem and I couldn't get the water turned off. My wife and I got into an argument over it.

She eventually called a friend and he helped me figure it out and get it fixed late this evening. I'm glad it didn't cost us a lot.

I must make an act of contrition for being resentful too many times today and make amends to my wife.

The last 48 hours have been outstanding.

Last night Christie and I went to our company dinner. I went there with a lightweight heart. Sometime recently I lost my fear of what people would think of me and my wife. I am just now realizing that I had this fear/resentment and didn't consciously examine it. But however it happened it worked. I went there and had a great time without worrying what people thought about me and not being able to drink and about what they thought about her. And I was proud of my wife for her poise, grace and intelligence. And I was able to appreciate her levity, openness and irreverent humor even though these things have always been the subject of my fault-finding of her. Most of all I was grateful to be who WE are.

I am also grateful that God's power has removed the obsession to drink from. I watched a lot of drinking and never once missed it or thought it looked like a good idea.

God blessed us with a Christmas bonus from my employer.

Today I got to watch the Celebration of the Advent Solemn Mass of Our Lady by Candlelight (The “Rorate” Mass)this morning.

Christie went to try and get some Hanna Montana tickets for resale and I got irritable. Tonight I made amends.

Bobby and I went to a birthday party for his friend today at the bowling alley. I got to have a good time with the kid's father who is a good friend that I hold in high regard. I worked with him in my previous career.

Bobby bowled 3 spares and a strike in his first time ever to bowl. In his second game he bowled a 97 (with bumpers).

Bobby and I went shopping for shoes and then visited my building at work. Bobby was very impressed with the height and then we played ping pong.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting at Stepping Stones.

I wasn't going to write tonight but when I decided to do so my ears started ringing like a tuning fork.

This morning I was running late and feeling discontent because I was so hungry and I didn't have time to eat. My son was harassing me to feed him so I did. As I was packing my lunch and getting ready I could hear him feasting on the bowl of cereal. I could hear him chomping and slurping while I was starving. As I was rushing to get everything done and get on the road I felt sorry for myself. Then my son started harassing me for seconds. He acted like he was starving and I had already fed him.

I realized then that that is how I am. God provides me with such great abundance. I get to eat well every day. I get to eat at my job if I want to. I really don't have to wait very long anyway even if I miss breakfast. Yet I cry out like I've haven't been fed in ages. I stopped and gave my son his seconds and went on my way.

In the morning a friend stopped by like he always does. He talked about the things he always does. He talked about the wrongs of people, institutions and the world. He talked about how he hates this time of the year. That everyone's edgier and pushier and drives ruder. I thought about how grateful I was to not have to live in that state anymore.

I thought about how I have a process and a power to deal with the feelings that get me in that state of mind. I wondered if I should try to help him and tell him this. I stopped and asked for guidance. The thought came that I should back away from trying to give him advice. The thought came to thank him for making me aware that I should not get too caught up in the events and tasks that I will have to do this season. That I not become one of those pushy people that bother him.

I realized that by demonstrating the act of self-examination that I may have helped in the best way possible.

I got to go to a meeting at noon. It was step 4 out of the Twelve and Twelve again. I spoke about the discussion I had with my friend last night about how I can get in an ambiguous state of "practicing the principles" and forget about taking the actions. About how I can get in a mode of practicing virtues and AA cliches rather than than practicing the mechanics of the steps. That I cannot sustain virtuous living very long if I do not focus on self-examination and de-construction of my emotional disturbances.

I was grateful to once again focus on the process of step 4 and the salient point that I must seek power to resolve the disturbance within me not outside of me.

As I was walking out of the meeting, a guy offered me a ticket to the AA Anniversary celebration. I felt so bad because I turned it down and I whispered to him that I didn't a babysitter.

It was another perfectly busy day but not stressful.

A started a conversation at work about a news story that the new Cardinal from Texas was in town at a luncheon. My atheist co-worker started going on about not trusting men who are (or say) they are celibate. I took up the challenge and asked why. This led to a lively dialog where he seemed to throw out dogmatic statements that he thought were going to be the last word. He seemed to be confused by responses that were well thought out. At times he would rebut with unrelated statements and go off on tangents.

On the way home I got a call from a friend. He said he had weird dreams about doing depraved things but being a hero in doing them. I don't know where this came from but I spoke to him about the deceptive nature of the enemy. About how he may be seeing the true nature of a spiritual attack. In the past we would have been seduced by the idea that we were doing good while being depraved.

Tonight we lit Advent candles and said prayers together as a family.

Thank you Lord for another day of life and experience.

This morning I was late so I skipped breakfast. I don't usually do this, I'm one of those people to whom breakfast is the most important meal and I don't feel complete without it. So I thought about this and decided to skip it when I got to work and make it a mini fast.

I was grateful to think about reading the Daily Scriptures this morning.

I thought this evening about assigning my sponsees to read Daily Reflections for the new year. I called one and it was his birthday.

Tonight I had to stick to my new plan not to go to meetings at night anymore. When I came home tonight my wife was angry about the whole deal and said that someone had told her that we should give up our keys to the clubsince we aren't going to go to meetings anymore. I was resentful that she jumped to conclusions about what I meant without talking to me about it. I was resentful that she told someone about it before we made time to talk to me about it.

I talked to a fried tonight who said he is not really going to meetings right now just going to church. He said he is practicing the principles. He said he is going to the church under the bridge. He said that he gets more presence of God from under the bridge than in Catholic Church. He said this in a way that he presumed me to automatically concur with him.

I had a good talk with my friend about how I can get focused on practicing the principles and not on practicing the program. That I can begin to run on autopilot and begin focusing on virtues rather than practices. That I can begin to focus on being good rather than on being with God.

I wasn't so good with my wife, but I wasn't so bad. I reacted a little but I made amends quickly and looked at my reaction as a disturbance within. It doesn't matter what she did or what anyone thinks I just have to stay close to God.

This morning I watched the rosary and followed along with a real rosary in my hand.

I got to watch the Pope conduct a ceremony at the statue of The Visitation in Celebration of The Feast of The Visitation.

I wrote a piece about dogmas today, I am still working on it.

I got angry with my wife for yelling at my son. She lost her cool then I lost my cool.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. The topic was about raising the bottom.

I'm still sick with a cold.

Yesterday evening I was so sick with allergies that I wasn't able to do my review written. We had my parents over for dinner and visiting, then we had to bath the kids and clean up and I was just too exhausted to anything except pass out.

Today I was still not well but woke up just enough to make it to work and be ok. At noon I got to go to an AA meeting.

Tonight I got to go to the CA meeting. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was Magic from Houston. Magic carried a good message. He was like me in that he was an awkward speaker at times and he would get mixed up in the lines from the Big Book but you could realy tell that he knew it inside and out and was on point with what he meant. His pirituality was crude but you could really see that he worked a good program and is a good sponsor.

Today at lunch I went to a meeting. On the walk back to work I was taking in all the people and places downtown, the weather was beautiful, I felt alert and productive, and it felt great to be alive. I enjoyed the moment and was grateful to be back to normal.

Tonight I had a group conscience. I was looking forward to the meeting before it but couldn't make it in time. I was glad I decided to go to the meeting at lunch.

I had to talk to my wife about some friends. I ask God to forgive me if I have judged anyone.

Today's readings from the mass included my favorite psalm, psalm 23.

Though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for you are at my side, With your rod and your staff that give me courage.

Another "Best Day Ever".

This evening on the way home I heard a discussion of Pope Benedict's latest encyclicle. In it he posits that we should take our daily disturbances to Christ and give them to him on the cross. He said this is a tradition that we have lost but we should consider re-viving. I thought that this sounded a lot like an evening review.

This brings up some thoughts I had today of some things I shared in meetings about my religion that I felt needed to be finished. At the treatment center the other day I was asked about what my spirituality. I shared some things in a general way but then maybe got too specific. Then I thought I didn't when I thought of what I really wanted to say. I said I was Catholic and I raise my kids that way. but it was an incomplete thought. The reason I wanted to say it was to point out that i made a spiritual journey and it led me back to my traditional faith. And that we have a faith filled home. I also said something confusing about reason. What I wanted to say was that I was able to find faith that stood up to reason. That reason led me to faith not away from it when I did it with an open mind.

At the meeting last night I said that recently I read that the teaching of my Church says that I am saved the minute I ask to be saved. But I still have to deal with the temporal consequences of sin. That's why I still have to do the work of inventory, prayer, amends, practicing principles and working with other addicts and alcoholics. That the balance of Church and 12 step fellowship is found in that statement. That I must go to Church and enlarge my spiritual life but my lay work must be in the 12 step rooms.

Today I went back to wok and I was very busy. I had a few moments of worry over missing work. Tonight as I review I remember my corrective measure from last night that i mustn't losing that job.

Today I was too sick to go to work but was much better thn the last 3 days.

In the morning I was sore, tired and had a some minor anxiety spells. I was also depressed and afraid for missing work.

Going forward I have to stay in the moment and be grateful that I have a job that gives me time off when I am sick. I have to work with what God gives me in health and trust that my performance will be measured by my work.

I have to remember that it is just a job and that God takes care of everything.

This afternoon I was much better. My wife encouraged me to walk to school to pick up my son and help him collect acorns for his science project. I let him play for a while with his friends at the park then we started home. We found many more types of acorns than I expected and we were able to write him up a great science project tonight. I enjoyed our time together, these are memories that I will cherish.

Tonight my wife encouraged me to go to a meeting. I was so concerned (afraid) of making it to work tomorrow that I was not going to go but I changed my mind at the last minute. I realized that I was not trusting God and that I might actually sleep better.

I am grateful because it was a good meeting.

I woke up from a dream about a near affair with a hairstylist. I had to work to resist the temptation to dwell in the allure of the dream. Fortunately she disappeared in the dream but I had to ask God to remove that feeling and direct my feelings to my wife and to being a husband and a father.

Today was another difficult day but better.

I didn't have the shakes or anxiety attacks anymore but I was really worn out, tired and down. I slept most of the morning and felt bad about missing most of the day. I also had the feelings I used to have when I was using and would lose days.

I felt very bad for missing Mass on the first Sunday of Advent but I did try to watch it on TV and got through to the Gospel before falling asleep. I heard the rest in my sleep as it stayed on.

I did get in my morning prayers as soon as I woke up so I feel good about that.

I enjoyed watching football with my 7 year old son today again.

I made phone calls tonight to the persons who called me while I was down. One in particular was a friend who said I came up in their morning meditation. She had a lot of experience with the pain meds and I was thankful that I was able to talk to someone about it.

Today was a write-off day but at least I felt human again.

Last night i didn't write about what I was realy going through. I was going through DT's from the pain meds I had been on from my surgery. I have been hesitant to write about this because I was afraid that it would not be a good thing to share but I think now it has to be.

What do we addicts do when faced with medical conditions that don't give us options in taking medication. I think we need to share with each other that we will have to face these challenges.

I did see that I mae a mistake when I didn't get the surgery right away.

Too tired to write anymore but grateful this behind me.