Today or yesterday I thought again about my old conception of 12 step recovery. My old conception was a caricature like Stuart Smalley. I thought the AA program was going to be a lame form of therapy with daily afirmations and sappy slogans. I realize now that this was a cheesy parody due to the shallow observations of outsiders. I realize now that the program is a discipline for living that has great strength like the martial arts or the samurai code. While the steps are used by persons who have hit moral and spiritual bottom, the program is actually the same steps that normal people use in their disciplines to find power, peace, and direction.

I intend to expand on this thought through further meditation.

This morning I struggled to wake up. Tonight I cooked dinner, practiced baseball, played washers, cut branches, and took a bike ride.

Today I had to be assertive with my wife and not react to her reaction. She seemed to get over it.

I got to go to the noon meeting.

Thanks be to God for a great day and for re-covery.

Tonight I watched a program about te way human beings track time in their minds. I watched as the scientists tried to show mechancal processes in the brain and were "asonished" at the measurements that showed an area of the brain that was actie supposedly while the person was tracking time. It didn't even
blink or anything it wa sjust a bright spot.

This made me think of how today's society wants to explain the workings of the mind by looking at the biology of the brain. I am starting to see this as like trying to understand the design of a database by taking x-rays of the hardware of a computer.

This morning I resisted acting resentful to my wife for sleeping until 10. We made it o church on time with low stress anyway. At church she didn't stick to our discipline method with our 2 and 3 year old and she and they fought the whole time. I was able to stay out of it and stay focused on the mass. Afterward I eventually gave in and gave her a litany of her mistakes.

This afternoon whe went resale shopping for a long time and I got resentful.

This evening she went to her meeting and afterward I enjoyed talking to her.

I am still resentful that she is undisciplined.

Last night I heard that a good friend of mine relapsed after six years sober. This morning I thought about how difficult it is to cope with the loss of all that time. I thought particularly about the social aspect of the fellowship. I see an emphasis on time as a measure of credibility that I believe can be demoralizing to someone because it is so difficult to get back.

I also think that this is problematic for other reasons. Often I have seen persons who have extensive clean time not practicing the program anymore or worse yet sharing opinions that are contrary to the principles of the program. I have also rarely heard a person with 10 plus years clean say that they have practiced the program rigourously the entire time or that they have never had self-induced unmanageability. A couple of prominent examples I know of have had psychological breakdowns that required hospitalization but they didn't use so they get to keep their clean time.

Another example is people who quit working the program but don't use so they get to keep their clean time. I believe the measure of credibility or efectiveness of a person in sobriety ought to be how well they practice and communicate the principles of the program, in short quality over quantity. I believe that time is relevent to the the quality of one's sobriety but I think the threshold for this is 3-5 years. This idea comes to me from the fact that this is how much time the founders had when they wrote the Big Book.

I think that clean time can also be an ego feeding proposition, especially if it is announced.

I lost the rest of this post when the login timed out.

Today I felt like I was too lax at work.

I went to the noon meeting, we finshed the vicious cycle. I left the meeting meditating on cycles of progression and cycles of delusion.

I thought today about how my idea of the program was the Stuart Smalley caricature. I thought AA was lame and weak. I am grateful to have a new conception that the program and teh people as something strong and a source of power.

Tonight I fulfilled my service cmmittment to the book study meeting.

My sponsee didn't show up.

3:34 AM, I woke up and started thinking and coldn't go back to sleep. I began to worry a lot and I was resentful at my wife so I had to try and stop it but I just couldn't. I realized that I have some emorional unmanageabiity so I had to look at why. I asked myself, how did I do in my spiritual practices today?

I didn't wake up easily this morning and didn't do much in the way of prayer and meditation this morning. Tonight I was very busy then I got caught up in watching a ballgame late and fell asleep right afterward so I didn't get in an evening review.

I realized that I was neglecting the most important part of my life wellness in my psychic health. I remembered that I can start over at any time so I decided to do these things now. I had a focused meditation and I reviewed the day.

I was resentful at how my wife uses her time and this is intefering with our reltionship.
I was afraid of our financial situation and ai couldn't stop trying to solve the furture now and my fear was killing my ability to enjoy the present.
I was something else...

Today I saw a picture of my son on his trip to the museum. he was posing in front of a Pleisiosaur. I immediately went into this spiel about the dinosaur and said that they found one just like that in a creekbed near our home.
My wife asked me how I knew about this anc I realized it was from a trip to the very same museum to the very same exhibit when I was a kid like my son.

This afternoon I got a call from a treatment center aasking for a speaker for family night. I tried to coordinate for my wife to go but she could not make it. I got to go and tell my story. I was grateful to get to cover this side of the triangle tonight.

I got to have a long conversation with a good friend in the program tonight.

I got to have a good life today thanks to a spiritual awakening.

The past few reviews I have neglected to write that I have been having using dreams most every night since Saturday. That night I didn't do a review for some reason.

Last night I griped at my wife for yelling at the kids right before bed. I don't know if I was right but that doesn't matter. All tha matters is that I recognize that I was angry and I need to ask God to remove my anger.

Today I went to a meeting at noon, the topic was tradition 11. Part of what I talked about was how I have seen some public figures who are in the program who have respected the tradition. At the time I didn't know why this encouraged me in my recovery. I realized afterward that it is because that I see that they are practicing humility and this tells me that they are practicing the program to some extent.

This morning I heard that George Carlin died. I thought about how he was an influence in my life in my agnostic tendencies. I thought about his criticisms of religion and theism in general. I thought about how I used to have the same conceptions. I listened to his piece called "religion is bullshit". He made typical atheist dogmatic statements like :

"eligion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"

followed by "...this is bullshit!"

I thought about how I liked a lot of what he philosophised on and how clever he was with words.
I thought about how these ideas sound convincing on the surface.
I thought about how I adopted them as dogma without doing any objective research.
I thought about how I thought myself to be a free thinker when in fact I was closed minded.

I thought about how ironic it was that I was to find out that it was these ideas were the bullshit.

I went to a meeting at noon and we read "The Vicious Cycle". I remembered that I identified a major aspect of my story in the cycles of addiction.

Tonight I watched an episode of Intervention that helped me again get an idea of how much (actually how little) detail I should tell in my story.

This morning I managed to get thriugh the morning without stress over making it to mass on time. I didn't allow myself to get angry and gripe at the boys. I was able to handle everything objectively and systematically. The boys behaved ok at mass. We had a missionary pries Fr. Murphy who is involved with an organization to help the poor. I was able to have a talk with both boys about gratitude for what we have and about the importance of helping the poor.

After I took the Eucharist I sat in quiet and felt a very strong and presence of the Lord and felt as tought he were speaking to me in my subconscious. I had my eyes closed and felt as though I could see the light of His presence more brilliant than I had ever seen. Now that I think about it I remenber that the reading spoke about the Lord of hosts and I wondered what that meant again.

In the afternoon we watched a baseball game and then went swimming. While we were swimming my son decided to go on a big slide. He got frightened and came down but decided to try again. He had a lot of trepidation but eventually went. When he came out of the water he told me that God helped him do it. He told me that he said a prayer for courage to go.

I was very proud.

Yesterday I was thinking about my story and a clearer idea came to mind of how it unfolded. When I first went to rehab I came to understand the disease concept but fought the spiritual solution. This is what kept me from stying sober.

Thanks be to God for another great day.

Today I thought about God as if he were present with me several times. I turned and thought to him as if he were a friend walking with me. This helped me to turn away from unhealthy thinking.

A couple of times I paused and thought of the idea of the image of the core of my will and having God's will come over that and supercede it. I prayed for God to "re-cover" my will.

Tonight as our meeting started I found this to be especially needed when I seemed to have a hard time leting go. I didn't have any conscious thoughts that I was holding on to but my feelings just didn't to re;ease the image of my will and allow God's will to come over that. Strange, but I stuck with the intention and eventually let go.

I found inspiration to start off the sharing portion of our meeting tonight after an awkward silence. I was grateful for thoughts to share and finished off relatig to the good thinking that comes with a spiritual awakening, especially inspiration. I thought maybe I should expand on this a little more.

Inspired Thinking
My imagination is fired like it was when I used to take a substance and have deep thoughts.
I get to experience release from care, boredom, or worry like I did when I drank or smoked or used.
I experience connection with my brothers like I did with the people at the bar back when it worked.

More to come...

This day I got a good start by being able to devote adequate time to prayer and meditation. Althoughm, I was running a little late and just did make it to work on time.

I was especially productive at work in my thinking amd creative communication to customers.

I got to go to the noon meeting and felt like I did a better job today of carrying the message.

In the evev=ning there was a moment where I ignored my wifes demand and when she reacted to it I just ignoered that to. I'm not sure if this is God dependence or rationalization of being inconsiderate.

At night I was very tired and fell asleep praying.
y wife kindly tucked me in.

Today I went to th noon meeting. I had trouble sharing again. I thought that perhaps the problem is that I focus too much on relating my experience to the circumstances of the story teller. Perhaps I should start by looking at what part of the alcoholic experience the story teller is conveying and then relate my disease to that.

Tonight I was thinking about sharing again and my thoughts worked toward the singular point of the program (what's the point?). I found this in steps 1 & 2, that I came to believe that I was insane, and that I came to believe that a Power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. I thought that I might use steps 1& 2 as a frame of reference for sharing.

I might ask myself 2 questions:
How does this topic/reading relate to my coming to believe that I was insane?
How does this topic/reading relate to a Power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?

Today I went to the noon meeting late, we read from the 12x12 about step 11. I had to share after just arriving. I was disappointed with what what I had to say. I am not sure if this is because I have prideful expectations or because I am off teh beam a little. Tonight I realized that I have felt this way often recently.

After listening to Charlie Parker's talk last night I thought that I would take stock of my program tonight using the three sides of the triangle.

Unity
-----------
My last three meetings were today, Saturday and Friday
I don't talk to or spend much time with people in the fellowship
My wife and I talk often about recovery and the spiritual life

Service
-----------
Last night I worked on the CA website
Saturday night I spent some time giving encouragement to a former sponsee
Friday night I took a twelve step call from a family member and handed it over to my wife

Recovery
-----------
My Review last night lacked inventory
I prayed this morning
Today I meditated about step 6 and about basic instinct

Today I thought about how people don't have any problem striving for perfection when it comes to things like cooking, sports, hobbies, arts, etc. But when it comes to character people lower the objective to "progress" rather than "perfection" to avoid becoming completely discouraged. Is this a form of rationalization to avoid God's will?

I need to re-read step 6 in the 12x12.

Tonight I took a bike ride by myself. Tonight I got to wathc a baseball game with my wife and son. I was very grateful that she got really into it. We had a great time.

Today I thought about how alcoholism and addiction seem to run in my family. I thought about how my parents however were not alcoholic. So I cannot say that my addiction and alcoholism were environmental.

This morning I had to pause several times and "take it easy" in regard to getting to church. I woke up late but we made it on time.

Our Gospel reading was from matthew about the Limited Commission of Matthew 10:5-42. Our preacher gave a talk about "money sickness".

This afternoon we had a great little Father's Day dinner but we missed saying grace together because we weren't organized in the way we sat down to eat.

Later my mom hosted my aunts here to visit out kids.

I am grateful today to get to be a father and a family member.

Tonight I went to a meeting. The topic was on admitting step one. Many people shared about they usual admission and of not using no matter what because of an honest admission of the way that they had been living.

I thought of how the real admission of the disease for me was in the realization of my chronic pathological insanity. That I wasn't at a bottom when I first went to treatment. It was difficult for me to stay willing because I was doing the best I had ever done in my life. When I was asked to list the consequences of my addiction all I could see was the problems that my wife was causing me. All I could think of was what the first hit felt like.

It was only when I heard the description of the disease that I became open minded. When I heard the description of the "the power of the effect", the phenomenon of craving, the mental blank spot, and the mental obsession, a light came on that illuminated the truth about myself. I saw the depth to which addiction was my master.

It has always been so that I do not get motivated by the consequences. I still have a mental blank spot mostly. When I think of the drug the first thoughts that come to mind are the joy of using. However, these thoughts don't have any power (they are not continued and irresistable) and they are immediately followed by thoughts of the consequences of using and thoughts of the joys of good living. I am motivated by the inner aceptance of the depth of my insanity.

I am also motivated by gratitude for sanity of living. When I was relapsing I learned and accepted the depth of my spiritual insanity. I surrendered my will completely in life. I time I began to not only experience sober living but also inspired thinking.

Today was the third day in a row that I was not sick. I was grateful.

Tonight got to go to the book study meeting. We read the story "Fear of Fear". In the story the person said that the important thing that she lost was her self-respect. When I hit my bottom that is how it happened for me too. I was at the beginning of a down cycle in my addiction not at a low spot.

Last night I found out that we had to pay a large amount of bank fees for a financial mistake. I got angry at my wife. I managed to stay calm and kind and to just get out of it. I worked on our budget while she went to her meeting. I even took a break and took a bike ride in the circle with the kids.

I felt the anger return and I just went straight to bed without doing a review. I prayed for God to remove my anger alot.

As I dozed off I drifted into a panic dream. I woke up terrified. I realized that this was a glimpse of the battle going on on the spiritusl plane. I realized how more willing I must be to be rid of the anger.

This morning it started again. I thought about plans to do what I always do and find a clever way to fight with my wife and point out her mistakes in an attempt to change her.

I realized that I must fully concede that I cannot control or manage my anger.

Today was the first day in a long time that I didn't feel sick, thank God.

I went to a meeting at noon. When I got there the group had finished reading the chapter and opened up for sharing. I scanned the last two pages that were read and planned my share around that. Then a person shared who was at their first meeting ever. I ended up sharing about what it was like for me in my introduction to twelve step recovery. After the meeting I had a little re-think about how I should share in a book study like that or when a newcomer is present.

Another observation I made was that a good friend of mine said that we don't talk too much about God. I think he might have meant we don't talk too much about religion. I also remembered how I felt about the term newcomer. I had a very cultish connotation to me.

I wrote some thoughts about my early sobriety.

I was almost there...

I identified with some people who spoke about things that only someone like me has experienced.
I was inspired by some people who spoke of good things in their lives.
I didn't identify with a few people who were worse than me or did different things than me.

I got a new conception of what it meant to be alcoholic.
I found a smidgeon of open mindness to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and to work the steps.

But I couldn't put first things first.
I couldn't let go of managing my life.
I couldn't let go of my self-reliance.
I couldn't grasp enough humility to stay open-minded.
In my pride I looked at the 3 people that I didn't identify with and I blotted out the 17 others that I did identify with.
I didn't stick around long to find willingness.

Later when I spent some time in recovery I realized that I was a lot closer than I thought. I realized that people don't have to hit as low a bottom as others. Some people find the needed humility at the same point where I was at. I had the opportunity to exert my will toward humility at that point. I distinctly remember thinking this but not being willing to let go out of pride and arrogance.

Later when I did find willingness I realized that I could have gone to a worse bottom.

Tonight I got to practice baseball and go on a bike ride with my son.

Today was our 8th wedding anniversary.

Today I got a voicemail from a person who showed up at a meeting that changed locations.

This evening I spoke for a long time to a person who was trying to get her husband into recovery. My wife spoke to her also.

I talked to my sponsor tonight. He re-discovered fishing and wants to go sometime soon.

This morning I thought about an idea I forgot that I should orient the dialog in my mind to an accompaniment with God.

Thanks God for a great day.

Today I had to be especially focused on work. We had some special training and I had to catch up in the afternoon. I was grateful for good health because I was sick again today. But today sick is a totally different animal than in the past. I was able to stay focused and attentie and dilligent.

We had a good time in the evening but because I was sick my wife didn't get to go to her meeting.

Today at work I had a low grade fear, I must find divine perspective again.

I went to the meeting at noon I was not all there. The meeting was very crowded and I thought I recognized a new person there. Of all the people there many passed on reading and sharing.

When my turn came I read and shared minimally about the stages of admitting my first step in parallel to the segment that I read. I ended with the defining moment when I fully conceded after a series of relapses.

After me a regular person there with a lot of sobriety described being in a disparate state and about how it was due to new medication.

Even though I was distracted and I didn't feel that I did that great today I felt like showing up made a difference.

The past few das I have been tossing around some major ideas but haven't been able to find time to put them down in type. I feel resentful that I am losing these inspirations.

I must find acceptance.

Lately I have been postulating a model of the dynamic of the will in which the my will is the point in my point of view. I have thought about basic instinct at the center and concentric circles of will, decisions, and life skills moving outward.

Center
-------------
Instinct
Impulse
Emotion

Stimulus
-------------
Thought, cognition, intellect
Observation, sensation, reaction

Evaluation
-------------

I can't think anymore.

Decisions radiating out and back in until they eventually move into action.





Tonight I saw a program about the scientific discoveries and theories leading up to the theory of the big bang. It was noted (albiet with a secular spin) that most of the theorists, Copernicus, Galileo, Newton, and Lemaître were religious men.

I got to practice baseball with my son.

Thanks be to God for another good day.

This morning I resolved to do a more focused meditation than usual. This is wierd because yesterday I thought about some teachers teach more is better and I was thinking that I disagree. That more is not necessarily better that whatever God wills is better but that focus is essential and should be the main objective.

I had to restart my meditation several times and I really struggled to enter the realm of the spirit. I can see now that my spiritual condition was depleted. I had to breath in an out deliberately and to move into my meditation in stages.

First just enter the realm of the spirit.
Then find my center and focus.
Then seek God in that place.
Then breath in Spirit and breath out self.

I was inspired to think of getting centered by imagining two lines like the cross. I first see them centered, then on the left then on the right, then high, then low, then center.

Then I see a dark point in the center, the dark point that is my will. I thought about how the true image of God is incomprehensible so when I place the image of God over the place where I am I see a sphere of light. The light is a sphere that I can hold in my hand but it is actually limitless.

I resolved to keep this focus all day.

Tonight Bishop Sheen said that Christ cannot be a simple teacher like Confuscious or Buddha because then he could not command the allegiance o the heart.

I thought the same applies to a simple moral code.

This morning I had to jump out of bed again and run straight in to work to be on time. I never did stop to pray. I say this just to be honest with myself and not let it get by me.

Last night I didn't do a written evening review because I was very sick. I did pray and review in my head. Again the only reason I write this is to confess it and be completely honest.

Yesterday morning I also had a hard time in the morning. But I got to the parking garage early and I detoured to the fourth floor wall overlooking downtown and I stopped to pray there. The wind was really blowing hard and the clouds were moving fast across the sky. There is a mannequin of a white haired man across the street that gave me the sense of someone present. I imagined in my prayers that I was talking to God.

Today before lunch I thought about asking my friend at work to go to lunch but I thought about my 12 step meeting. At 11:30 he asked me if I wanted to go to the bike shop with him for lunch and we did.

Today I listened to a recovery speaker named Ken C. He told a fabulous story of a rock-n-roll career and running a strip bar and shooting dope straight out of the block of peruvian flake. He spoke of hearing that freight train and watching the wall move away and sweating bullets. He spoke of losing all his livelihood, women, possesions, dignity, and personal safety until he got sober. He talked of the miracle of being restored to sanity. He talked about how he found hope from the guy with 60 days rather than the well recovered who spoke of steps and spiritual concepts. He talked about his spiritual experience at 3 years sober on a beach saying the Lord's prayer. He talked about his daily recovery and his purpose of carrying the message to the newly sober.

This afternoon I stayed home so that my wife could go to her meeting. I just remembered that I prayed with my daughter but I forgot to pray with my son.

Tonight when I prayed before this review I imagined that I was sitting at a table like the place where I went to lunch today.

Last night I woke up feeling very sick again at 3:15. I kept waking up and then couldn't go back to sleep. I started to worry about not being able to sleep and being sick and not being able to get to work. I managed to doze back off sometime after 4 and got just enough sleep.

I made it to work and didn't feel well but I got very busy and the morning flew buy. At lunch I took it easy and stayed in at work. I felt good enough for table tennis but toward the end of the day I started to feel very bad. I got home and the kids were away swimming with their uncle. I went straight to bed feeling terrible. A little while after they got home I woke up and with some emerge-n-cy I good enough to get up and about and be helpful.

I am frequently amazed at how much better my health is now that I have been sober a while. This is sometimes most apparent when I am sick. In the past my sleep would have been so screwed up that I would been miserable. In the past I would have just got worse and worse and been down for days.

The thing for which I am most grateful for in my life is my spritual awakening but today I am grateful for good health.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I woke up late and had to dart out of bed to work. I had to stop and pray at my desk.

Today at our noon meeting we read the end of Dr. Bob's story. I related to his routine of the vicious cycle of powerlessness and then how he tried to get sober with the Oxford groupers and then finally got the message from Bill W. but didn't stay sober until he was willing to make amends. I got to carry the message that I used to live that way and then got into the fellowship but wasn't willing to connect and let people in my comfort zone and get completely honest and didn't stay sober until I did.

A guy thanked me for sharing this and I got to carry the message today.

This afternoon when I got back I was able to post about insanity and being happy joyous and free.

This evening we all got along and were in good spirits at home. My wife got assertive with me about how she needs to get to meetings. I had to rethink my position but we both agreed that when school is over that we will be ok.

I got to take a bike ride by myself before settling in tonight.

We got the kids to bed on time tonight and I got to spend some quality, focused time in prayer and reading God's word tonight.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I managed to have just enough energy to get through the day and get everything done on time. I slept late but I got to church on time with both boys. I was grateful for this because I felt that I let my younger son down last week for not getting him there last week. Both boys behaved better today, this made me very happy.

We had lunch on time and dinner on time and the boys got to bed on time. This will help immensely tomorrow.

Today the only constructive things I didn were a lot of dishes and I fixed my son's bike. I wanted to do more but there just wasn't the time or energy. I scolded my wife for planning to atend a garage sale next week but I felt guilty for letting this come between us and I vowed to accept whatever the outcome is and to let go of my resentment.

Today was my brother's birthday but I don't have his phone number to call him. I hope that he finds willingness soon to break his dependencies and his isolation.

Thank God for a good day.