Tonight I went to a meeting. The topic was on admitting step one. Many people shared about they usual admission and of not using no matter what because of an honest admission of the way that they had been living.

I thought of how the real admission of the disease for me was in the realization of my chronic pathological insanity. That I wasn't at a bottom when I first went to treatment. It was difficult for me to stay willing because I was doing the best I had ever done in my life. When I was asked to list the consequences of my addiction all I could see was the problems that my wife was causing me. All I could think of was what the first hit felt like.

It was only when I heard the description of the disease that I became open minded. When I heard the description of the "the power of the effect", the phenomenon of craving, the mental blank spot, and the mental obsession, a light came on that illuminated the truth about myself. I saw the depth to which addiction was my master.

It has always been so that I do not get motivated by the consequences. I still have a mental blank spot mostly. When I think of the drug the first thoughts that come to mind are the joy of using. However, these thoughts don't have any power (they are not continued and irresistable) and they are immediately followed by thoughts of the consequences of using and thoughts of the joys of good living. I am motivated by the inner aceptance of the depth of my insanity.

I am also motivated by gratitude for sanity of living. When I was relapsing I learned and accepted the depth of my spiritual insanity. I surrendered my will completely in life. I time I began to not only experience sober living but also inspired thinking.