I woke up tired and sick feeling this morning.

I barely hung in there at work and wanted to go home several times.

I was afraid when we interviewed a prospect for a coworker and I was the only one who had anything critical to say.'

I felt afraid when I didn't call someone back at the end of the day.

I felt dissillusioned with the world as I walked down the street to my truck.

I struggled with tiredness, shaking, sneezing, coughing, and tremors at home.

I felt afraid that I wasn't helping my wife enough and laying in bed.

I felt best when I did have to get up and help with th ekids even though it was very hard.

Regardless of all this I still felt grateful to have a rich spiritual life and a purposeful life.

I wanted to cry watching Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer with my son.

My ears just started ringing,

Hello God...

Today was a really great day.

It was hard.

I had to surrender several times.

It wasn't easy and I didn't have time to think about it but I just had to resist fighting and managing.

I got to rearrange my schedule and take a longer lunch and go to a meeting at noon. I am grateful for my job. The topic was step three out of the 12 x 12. I got to re-form my conception of what it means to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I was able to share about it and hear what God needed me to hear.

After work I got to go speak at a treatment center about my family in recovery at family night. I have never been so grateful in my life. I got choked up when I tried to speak about how my wife's recovery helped protect her and my son from me.

A few people asked questions and I didn't get too caught up in the details. In the brief moments of solitude that I had today I practiced telling my storied and this really helped when it came time to do it. I surrendered and prayed before I went there when I was in the parking garage after work.

Tonight I had a lot of phone calls to get caught up on and I didn't want to make them. I had to surrender again and remember that helping others is the foundation stone of my recovery.

what a day.

Tonight we are in a financial crisis. The income shortage we have been averting for a long time has finally caught up with us. We don't have enough money for our bills and we are behind on the mortgage.

My wife and I got into an argument about it but then cooled off and made amends. However I am worried about her as she doesn't seem to be able to do anything with her fear. I believe the only solution is going to be for her to work but I have to back off and let her come to this conclusion. We talked about it the other night and she has objections that she has to work through. I shouldn't try to manage her decision.

Tomorrow I go speak at a treatment center on family night. I am grateful but as I go through my story in my mind I realize just how unprepared I am. I need to work on it some more.

Tonight I got several phone calls from people in the fellowship that I couldn't take because I had my hands full. when I think about how people share in meetings about how important it is that people pick up the phone when they call I feel resentful because I can't do it all the time. As a matter of fact I rarely can answer it and I have a hard time finding time to call them back. I feel like everyone else has no idea what how hard it is to attend to 4 kids, a wife, a job, car, house, bills, laundry, cleaning, service commitments, meetings, classes, etc. to attend to and find time to talk to them about their feelings.

I am grateful that my surgery has healed and the pain has subsided.

I need to remember that we have been here before and that God has always provided.

Yesterday morning I had my kidney stone surgery. On the way to the operating room I got that creepy feeling like I was going to the execution chamber. I kept thinking about when was going to be my last conscious moment and would I know it.

Today I suddenly remembered that I didn't go under right away. I remember that I was conscious for 2-3 minutes. I started talking to the people in the operating room and telling them how good I felt. I had a few moments where I was really flying high and maybe I told them I was a dope head getting a freebie. I almost felt like I was singing. Maybe it was just a dream.

I woke up in startling pain as they didn't have me on any pain killer meds. I was out of there in a short time and was really hurting when I came how. Urinating was excrutiating. It felt like I was pissing razor blades and glass. It was real bloody and clotted. My steady pain ended abruptly in the afternoon and the worst pain urinating ended today.

I thought all day about finishing my blog on self-righteous anger but never got a chance. I dreamed all day about getting my time at night after the kids went to bed. But when I finally got the time my wife came in an interrupted me with stuff she wanted to talk about and needed me to do. I was frustrated and resentful.
I never got to do my evening review either.

Today I got to go to work a half day. I was backlogged with work and very busy but felt productive and felt again like I am becoming knowledgeable about our system.

I had a lot of financial fear today. My wife and I argued about our finances and I had that desperate feeling of taking drastic measures. I wanted to make demands of her but I held back. I prayed for God to save me from being angry.

Yesterday we were asked to substitute for my sponsor and his wife to speak at a treatment center. Today we were called by our counselor friend to speak at another treatment center Thursday night. I felt resentful that I don't think we can find babysitting. It isn't my Mom's fault but I just get frustrated at the circumstances and feel like no one understands what it's like for us.

Despite my frustrations I feel extremely grateful right now for all that God has done for me and my family. I am grateful for my health, our livelyhood, my wife and kids, our fellowship and my job.

Today started out like my last 3, kind of down. But I got going got the kids fed and the boys and I went to Church.

Last night my wife and I decided to do Church in 2 shifts so that we aren't trying to handle the baby and 2 toddlers. I worked very well.

Today was the feast of Christ The King. The priest spoke about the Power of God in his sermon. I was grateful that I got the chance to watch the early mass on EWTN and then to hear Fr. Barry's sermon. When we got home I also watched the mass from Rome as they were have a special Con-benediction of some newly ordained Cardinals. It was a magnificent ceremony that really emphasized the idea of the Church as a kingdom. I felt a part of something greater than governements, politics, and secular organizations.

I got really tired and started feeling sick and fell asleep. I fell asleep for a long time and had wierd dreams. I woke up several times and felt sick with a scratchy throat and seemed to be sinking into a depression over getting sick and not being able to wake up.

I woke up refreshed and inspired. It felt like a real miracle of healing. I was very grateful to feel like my confusion and low spot had passed.

We had a great little dinner and when my wife went to her meeting I sat the kids at the table with a picture of Jesus the King and Mary Queen of The Angels. We read the pamphlet for the kids from Church and each one had their own to color and do the puzzles.

I talked to them of how God's Power works in our lives to provide us with meaning, purpose well-being, guidance and Love for each other. I read the Scripture readings with my oldest son and we talked about when we will be together in Heaven.

Last night I had a weird long dream of a post-apoclyptic world in which I was trapped in a building that had a secret elevator to different floors and different worlds and different times. There was a lot of gang war, violence, sex, drugs and general depravity on each floor.

My journey seemed to be to try and get back to the floor that was my paradise lost. Sometimes when I would get off on a floor I got the feeling I would be lost there for years struggling to try find the hidden elevator again. I ran into many trials, people and mysteries that were obstacles to finding the elevator. There was a lot of temption, frustration and times when I wanted to give up.

In the end I never fell into using or depravity on any of the floors.

Tomorrow I go into surgery. I got a call from a friend who told me that he and others prayed for me that my sobriety not be affected by the event. I put the boys to bed and went and did some things that needed to be done. When I came back to say prayers with them my oldest son said he had prayed to God for me. I was very proud.

Another "Best Day Ever".

Today during the day I was thinking about last night's meeting topic again. I still felt dissapoined at not sharing about it but took consolation in the fact that I did 12th step sharing both before and after the meeting on a one-on-one basis with several guys. I realized at some point that I also was never quite clear in my cenception of this topic. I felt compelled to think it through and write about it.

At several times during the day I tried to write about it but just kept getting interrupted and distracted and even when I focused I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I started several trains of thought and had to throw them away and start over. I felt baffled and confused.

Late in the afternoon I got a call from someone in need of counsel. I spoke to him for a long time and was astonished at how I was able to concieve and express thoughts about everything he was struglling with. I was able to share my experience, perspective and point him back to the process over and over. One of the things he talked to me about was sometimes not being able to share in meetings. I shared with him that there was a process for that too, that I always make it a point that if I don't get to share for whatever reason that I stay and share with someone after the meeting. Invariably someone finds me that needed to hear something I had to say or that says something I needed to hear. I told him that this is 12th step work. At the end he thanked me for picking up the phone and said he just really needed someone to talk to that moment.

I went back to my writing and continued to be baffled but at least I knew that I wasn't baffled about everything.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting even though I know she would rather me stay home and help her. The meeting topic was step 12 and doing 12th step work in meetings.

I never got to share on the topic but I did some 12th step sharing after the meeting.

I also thought about how my wife had the insight to encourage me to go even though it went against her desires and needs. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the benefits of her program because of my self-righteousness. But if it weren't for the fact that she has a program of her own then she wouldn't be aware that I need to stay connected to my fellowship right now especially in light of what is going on this week with my surgery.

Today was very busy from the start. Christie was out all night at the doorbusters sale so she had to sleep in. Two of the kids were sick. I did a lot of spring tyep cleaning and reorganizing. I had computer problems with the main one and the laptop. When Christie came home I had to set up the kid's new computer. Throughout all of this I managed to stay grateful and not get resentful. However, by the end of the day I felt isolated and withdrawn.

I went to a meeting and the topic was "Isn't he a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well".

I thought right away that this topic was relevant to me today. But I never could quite compose my thoughts about it enough to share. I felt really confused about it because it seems that I have a lot of experience and knowledge about this topic but couldn't seem to apprehend it.

Before and after the meeting I had the same feeling I had at home, that I was constantly being demanded to speak to someone. There were a couple of guys that asked me to work with them and several guys that needed to talk. One guy even seemed to get resentful because we got interrupted twice.

Despite my confusion and lack of sharing I still felt better after the meeting and was grateful that I got to go.

Today was a great day of Thanksgiving. I saw a program this morning that described the early history of the holiday and how it was mostly a religious holiday that centered around Church and prayer. Perhaps next year I will try to better focus on the spiritual aspect of the holiday.

We had a great feast at noon and I got to say our thanksgiving Grace. I was a little disappointed that my dad and brother in law were late. Nevertheless they did come and we had a great time talking , laughing and watching football.

My brother also came to visit and I didn't think he looked too good.

My dad stayed much of the day and we had a long talk. The talk didn't quite go where I wanted as I wanted to talk about how I wish he could return to being the spiritual leader of our family. I had to find acceptance that God arranges for us to talk about what he needs us to talk about. Perhaps I will get the chance tomorrow.

Tonight my wife is camping out for doorbuster sales. I had to resist being judgemental or resentful about this.

I thought some more about sharing about God or Jesus in meetings and took another look at my ideas about this last night. I think my point number two may be less important than the simple fact that the chapter is about changing our conception of God or finding the willingness to believe. It has to boil down to the simple fact that God is the power that we are lacking. I need not get into any theology at this point whether I am a believer or not, I simply have to try and set aside my old ideas which are causing me to be prejudiced. This applies to the believer or the non-believer. I need not talk about who I think God is but rather how I humbled myself to set aside my old ideas and become open to this new conception of him as The Power.

I also forgot about how bringing my theology into the rooms opens the door for others to do so. This could lead to a debate about theology.

I ask God to help me stay objective, open minded and tolerant about this.

This year I am thankful for willingness to pursue a spiritual life, for a beautiful family and for security amid financial shortcomings. I am thankful for continued sobriety, good friends and for a re-constructed ability to enjoy the good things in life.

Thank you Lord Jesus.

I am grateful to have a good job and that I got to get out of work early today.

I had a busy morning at work and felt like it was an exceptionally productive day.

I got to play some great games of table tennis. Thi might not seem like an important thing to journal but in doing so I get to appreciate the recreational time that God blesses me with and I bring this to account when I whine about nit getting to do anything fun.

I found and got started on a budget form today. I shared this with my wife and she reacted resentfully. I must watch my expectations of her. I had to resist being judgemental toward her.

This afternoon I had to spend $300 on tires that we didn't expect to have to spend. Later we found out that we had to pay $300 or my surgery on Monday. This meant that my wife would not be able to fund her resale plans for the post Thanksgiving Day sales. I felt guilty at first about the timing of the tire purchase but my tires were dangerously bald and I figured God must have meant it to happen that way. She was dissapointed and had to try to find acceptance.

Later in the afternoon I remembered that we had a gun to sell. I suggested it to her and she thought it was a great idea but didn't expect to get anything for it. She took it to the gun shop and Mr. Mcbride gave her $300 for it.

Not a coincidence.

Tonight at our Big Book study we read the second half of page 53 to the end of the chapter. 2 - 3 paragraphs were devoted to the idea that we relied to heavily on reason. One of the things that really appeals to me is the idea presented elsewhere in the chapter that faith stands the test of reason. So in thinking about this I had to wonder if it meant that reason was a bad thing.

I realized that the reading is pointing us to the fundemental idea of God within us which is not based on reason but rather is a psychological or spiritual archetype. Also, what it is talking about is TOO MUCH reliance on reason not reason per se. In fact we are encouraged to use our reasoning powers toward finding faith.

At some point I found myself getting slightly resentful at persons repeatedly sharing that their God was Jesus Christ. I thought to myself, why am I resentful about that when I am a believer? I thought that what I heard sounded very vain somehow but I couldn't quite place how.

First of all I need to take my own inventory. I have to make sure that I ask God to remove whatever resentment I have and to practice love and tolerance. I have to see that my basic instinct to fear how the meeting is perceived by the newcomer or how I think it should go is what leads me to be resentful. So in looking at this I must not try to correct anyone or think I am going to shape how anyone but me shares.

Now that that's out of the way I can look at the concept objectively for my own formation.

I believe that for me to call God Jesus if I am not going to talk about the Gospel is taking the Lord's name in vain. I might just be trying to impress the other Christians rather than trying to do His will. If it were His will that we make sure to proselytize in meetings then perhaps step 2 would have said came to believe in Jesus.

That doesn't mean that I don't think Jesus is God. But if I call Him Jesus then I should be speaking of His condescencion, His parabels, His sacrifice on the cross, or His resurrection. In other words I must be speaking of his nature, not just the idea of "a" God.

I think the reasons are three fold. One because I am speaking to persons early in spiritual formation who have poor ideas of God. If I can't explain the nature of Jesus then they are defining Jesus as the god that they conceive based on their own ideas.

Two, It's also like I am choosing to call Him by a name rather than accepting when He chooses to go by a name. When Moses asked God his name he simply said "I Am" not my name is Jesus. God chose to be called Jesus when he came down as The Man.

Three, If I say "Jesus" vainly and repeatedly then I may simply deter the person who is still under the influence of their prejudice and obstinacy. I could be doing more harm than good. Experience shows this to be true most of the time and it certainly was for me.

I could be wrong about this but I respect the experience of the founders and I am confident in my own faith and my willingness to evangelize when Jesus Christ wills it.

Tomorrow is the day we give thanks.

Last night I was very tired and distracted when I tried to do my review. Tonight I am in much better spirits. It's quiet now the kids all went to bed and my wife hasn't gotten back from her meeting yet.

Tonight I got resentful that I had to clean up. My thought was "Is it really too much to ask that the woman of this house keep it tidy?!". I'm sure this is self-centered and inconsiderate but I'm not feelin' it now. However, I am aware and fully believe that it isn't the thing that's important. What is important is that I have this disturbance within me. I need to be rid of it and then find forgiveness.

God, please remove this fear of losing time to mundane chores. Help me to see what's really important and to quit relying on my own perspective of time lost. Please remove my fault-finding and intolerance. Please help me to be grateful that my wife does so much for me and the kids and that I have a home to clean up.

Today I had this eager feeling that I am about to do great things. That I am going to be involved in something important and fulfilling. That I enjoy life today and don't dread making it through the day.

A guy at work got a call from a friend out of state friday night who said she had a premonition that he needed her help. At the time that she called he was at the emergency room with his daughter who had come down with an excrutiating pain. He believes that it is coincidence and that people who want to believe these things see what they want to believe.

I believe in the concept of synchronicity and I think my feelings today are true.

This morning I had to do a review for 2 days. It was a long weekend and I wasn't able to do it both nights. Surprisingly after doing it I felt great and had a great day. I was very busy at work but had time to play several table tennis matches and do some needed errands.

This evening I couldn't wait to get home to the family. I chose coming home over going to a meeting.

Our time together was good and fruitful as we played outside in the back yard then I led my oldest son through a religious learning game on line and I did the same with a toddler game for the little ones. My wife was able to run some errands and I did some important work at home.

Friday night my wife had 2 kids sleep over. - resentful

Saturday we had a birthday party. We were extremely busy and I had to stay home with the baby. My wife asked me if my sister in law could borrow my truck in front of her. - resentful

I talked to my sponsor on the phone about his medical condition. He is going through a lot, he was in the hospital for 10 days and had 6 inches of his intestines removed. I felt really bad because I didn't go visit him in the hospital. He told me that a lot of members of his family were present the day of his surgery. He said about 125 people came to visit him. He was really grateful for the support of the fellowship. He called me as a way to be accountable. I was honored to be considered part of his circle of accountability.

I learned some more from this about my self-centeredness. I haven't ever cared abou tothers enough to visit them in the hospital. I also was so estranged from close friendships before that I don't know how to be a good friend. I was at the Doctor nearby the day of his surgery but I didn't think it would be appropriate to visit. I know for the future that it is never a bad time to visit a friend.

My son was grateful for my wife's effort to give him a great party.

My Dad said he met one of my friends who thought highly of me.

In the afternoon I spent time with my parents. My wife left to go do somne returns and errands. - resentful

I worked on myy fellowship web forum.

My wife and I watched a late movie which made a great impression on me.

Sunday morning I read the scripture reading with my wife. She asked an important question, what does "the Lord of hosts" mean.

Sunday at church was both rewarding and extremely difficult. The kids started out sitting well in their seats but went nuts toward the end. My wife took kid #3 and gave her a spanking in the bathroom that everyone heard. She was behaved afterward.

Sunday I was very tired and had sveral naps that I was remorseful about. I forgot that the pain meds make me drowsy.

We watched football and had a great time.

My wife had events that evening. - resentful

I was too tired to do my journalling and went to bed very early.

Today I had self-centered doubts about our Christmas party.

During our meeting at work the topic of a drug testing policy came up. The discussion that ensued really codified the misconceptions of normies for me.

Tonight I had to stay home to help my wife with a sleepover of my son's friends. I was at first resentful that I wanted to go to a meeting but then I realized just how exhausted I was so it was probably for the best anyway.

I took the opportunity to do some servant service work.

This afternoon I had some thoughts about the disease and the steps. I hope I can bring them to mind. I will stop and pray to try to re-ideate them.

Recovery hinges on my willingness to have my thoughts and desires re-directed by a new source, God. I must come to realize that my will was previously directed by a flawed source, me.

This is not just the pivotus of recovery for the addict but also of conversion for the human being.

The first 3 steps, ego deflation, epipheny and conviction are what all people experience when they have a spiritual awakening.

hhmmm....

Tonight I had some low grade resentment while I was watching the kids.

Tonight I talked to my sponsor's wife about his condition.

Tonight I spoke to my sponsee going throught the work.

I had a productive day at work.

Today was my son's 7th birthday

This morning I got off to a good start.

I had a decent day at work but had small fears crop up. At some point I remembered that I don't have to depend on that job for my serenity.

I remembered today that I was so self-centered yesterday that I forgot that my wife went to the doctor yesterday for a possible lump. Everything turned out ok, she got a clean bill of health. For this and all she does and who she is, I am grateful.

This brought to mind that with Thanksgiving coming up it is time for me to start my yearly gratitude list.

This evening I got to go to the book study meeting.

When I came home I got to do some service work.

Last night I had to set aside my will and make amends to my wife. I didn't want to turn over my resentment to God. I felt justified but I knew what I had to do. I bit the bulloet and did it. I wanted to take the easy way out and just keep it between me and God. But I knew it was selfish to send my wife to bed with that problem. It was very relieving to get it done. The result was very rewarding.

Today was a good day. I went to the doctor and scheduled my surgery. I had a productive day of personal growth at work.

I went to the noon meeting and again was called on to read to early into the meeting and I didn't have anything to share. But I went away feeling as though I had help contribute to a small meeting.

Tonight I am trying to finish this review with the baby drying.

This morning I had a really hard time waking up and I had to skip breakfast. I remember having some kind of crazy dreams last night.

At noon I went to a meeting. It is a book study and I sat in the place to be the first to read. I got up and moved so I wouldn't be first but the chair started backwards so I was anyway. The story was good on page 345 or so but i was just brain dead and didn't have anythinbg to share on it. I felt bad about this.

The day was not bad at work.

My wife had a really hard day with the kids so I stayed home with the kids tonight. Late tonight a shelf full of heavy books almost fell on the baby. I got angry and want to blame my wife and tell her to stop doing her projects and focus on this house. I remember how angry I got this weekend and wanted to smash all her ebay stuff.

Tonight an episode of Intervention was on and a mother said she felt like they were on the tracks headed for a train wreck. She slumped to the ground and exclaimed that she didn't didn't have any answers for their problems. The Dad was the addict and they had three kids. The son tearfully said that when dad make promises that things would get better that e just had to tune it out.

I think back to the reading today and how the story teller talked about how she and her loved ones didn't have any answers either. She spoke of learning about the disease in treatment and about how the clinical descriptions of the disease ddin't give her an answer to the riddle of alcoholism either. I thought back to the times when I was baffled and defeated and the first glimmer of hope was when I heard the practical cconcept of the disease that solved the riddle and laid out a solution for me.

Today I just have to have the willingness to turn over my will so I may stay sane.

Last night I had a pretty serious using dream. I was trying and trying to use but I couldn't seem to get it going. I was on some adventure out in the woods on the road, in towns with old honkytonks. I found someone's stash that was hidden and I made off with it. It was a large amount and it was very rocky and very potent. The vividness and strength of desire of the dream tell me there is a great spiritual disturbance within me.

This morning I got off to a rocky start. We got up fairly early but then after feeding the kids and myself and getting them cleaned up, I got real tired and passed out. I bickered with my wife a little and it went downhill from there. Later my son started having a meltdown and I had to punish him. We were late getting to Church and by that time my wife and I were griping at each other and very angry. I was thinking of all these ultimatums I would give her.

At the beginning of the mass, Father James said some words about letting go of our concerns and conflicts and worries of the week and day and to focus on our relationship with God. He reminded us of how Jesus sacrificed Himself for us and that we are responsible for our own sin and we should forgive others. He and the Mass and God helped us both forgive each other by the time we gave the sign of peace.

The rest of the day was outstanding. I worked on a flyer for the event next week and on an email blast. I got the house all cleaned up and had a very peaceful afternoon while the kids and wife went to a birthday party. I spoke to a sponsee and watched a football game.

In the evening I opened and locked up the club for the meeting. I got to hear a homily on the radio for today's scripture reading.

I should make amends to my wife for this morning.

Last night I was up late doing stepwork with a guy at the club. He had his inventory prepared and we talked about the principles of the inventories and we looked at a couple of items in each inventory. I was able to get him from 4 to 7 in a couple of hours.

This caused me to be late to bed and not get in an evening review. Today I thought again that I have been missing way too many reviews. I also observed that lately I've been having a lot of thoughts of cutting down on my sobriety activities. I also noticed that an attitude has crept into me that perhaps I have been making sobriey too big of an issue in my life and that I should devote more thought life and time to the other more normal aspects of my life.

Today I went to my fellowship's area meeting with this attitude. On the way I thought about how I should drop the gsr position I hold. I thought about what a hassle it seemed to have to draft a report for my servant position and how mad my wife got about that she has to endure another day alone with the kids. When I left the meeting I had a complete change of attitude. I saw how so many new people are willing to step p but there still aren't enough people doing the work of supporting the area. I saw how much of a contribution I can make and how much it helps our newest members even though I still feel inexperienced. I felt renewed in my enthusiasm.

When I got home my wife was in good spirits. We had a great dinner and I stayed home and let her go shopping. She told me what a great day that she and the kids had. We all watched the UT game and jump and yelled and sang and acted crazy.

Next week our area is having a Unity Event at a campground on the Guadalupe River. I just found out that the first day we have a birthday party and the second day my wife has a fundraiser. I pray to find acceptance and not blame anyone if I can't go.

My sponsor and brother in Christ is in the hospital with a serious intestinal condition and infection. I pray that he gets through this and doesn't have too much pain and is restored to health.

Grateful

Today I got off to a rough start. I fell asleep trying to meditate and I never got very far praying. This is the 3rd time this week. This served to reaffirm that I can't be doing things on weeknights.

Today at work was not too bad but it was very busy all day and I struggled to keep up my energy and focus.

Tonight I was dragging and feeling some self pity for not being able to make the special speaker meeting tonight that had the guy from Houston.

I look forward to a good night's sleep and a new start tomorrow.

Last night I didn't do a review because I passed out before 8:30. I actually passed out after dinner for an hour and then was still exhausted when I bathed the kids, fed them snacks, cleaned up, wiped their butts, prayed with them and fought with them to go to bed.

I really need to get more disciplined about my sleep because then I miss my stepwork. This morning and all week my morning prayer has been nominal at best. I lose site of how drastic I must change things to get to work at 7:00 and still maintain a spiritual life.

Tonight I chaired the Appropriate Action group conscience. I pissed some people off. I presented an idea for discussion that was met with skepticism and resistance. My idea was what if that group could get one of the weekend time slots. It wasn't a motion just an idea to see what people thought.

Tonight I looked at my motives and realized I forgot what it really is. It is that I can't serve on a weeknight. I will need to step down from that position.

This morning I thought I heard a friend of mine call in to a radion program. I didn't have my cell phone at the time, I forgot it at home. So I called him when I got home tonight. He was in the worst kind of powerlessness over some personal issues. I talked to him for a little while and tried to be helpful. Since I wasn't expecting this I didn't have anything premeditated. However I was astounded at how much insight came to me about his situation. It seemed to me that he didn't really find my words helpful except to be able to talk about it and be supported by a friend. But this was another one of those times where I witnessed that thoughts came to mind that didn't really come from me. If they didn't help him they sure helped me.

Today when speaking to a customer I was a little perturbed and I felt pressued to give answers that I was ubcertain about. I need to let go of this fear and answer honestly next time.

I felt really good to be off the narcotic painkiller again today. I wasn't tired or depressed and I never got sleepy even though I had a really hard time getting up and completely missed breakfast. The day went by very steadily and I was busy and productive all day. I felt industrious, insightful and productive all day.

I called my guy going through the steps right now. I thought about step one, step 11 and the resentment inventory today.

Today we really struggled at church with Ivan and Eva. Fortunately we got up very early, were well prepared and I had watched the mass. So I didn't have to get angry for not being able to hear the homily. Today's Gospel was the story of Zacchaeus. A bishop from Africa gave the Homily. He had a booming voice and had an accent which sounded like a melodic verse. He laid out some profound observations about the story. Later we spoke as a family about the story and we sang the song all day.

Christie and I set aside our differences from last night and had a good day.

Tonight our meeting topic was page 20 - 21. Before the meeting I was having thoughts that I should change my approach to recovery. That I shouldn't devote so much of my time and thought life to it. The reading tonight seemed synchronous with my mental state. I made some observations in my share and some more afterwards about what those pages tell me:

• The markers of the disease. The observations that one can make that apply to a pathological condition that explains why I behave the way I do. How I and society were oblivious to this understanding and thus were baffled by my actions.
  *I wish I would have recalled the similarity that this has to what I encountered with Ivan's autism and how I was oblivious to his disorder until the markers were pointed out to me.
• The Mr. Hyde factor. The realization that another entity took over my mind under the influence of the obsession. And that I was not in control of my actions no matter how bad it harmed me, the ones I love and the things I valued.
• The observations that give substance and weight to the grave nature of my condition.
• The model of progression of the symptoms and the points of no return; the deadly milestones.

I am grateful that I went tonight because the importance of my recovery activities was reinforced.

Today I had to pause a few times and wait before speaking angrily.
Today I switched to a non-narcotic painkiller.
I got some yardwork done that was really bothering me.
I worked on our home rules some.

This morning I saw the squatter from the roof across the street on the street corner as I walked to get some tacos. We made eye contact and he acted as if he wanted to approach me but I avoided him. I realized that I have judged him and I should stop and pray for him instead.

Today I got the opportunity to express my faith a little with someone that I didn't expect to.

Tonight I got to go to a speaker meeting. The speaker was a guy that I turned down to sponsor. At the time I was honestly overbooked. I had several guys going through the work so I hooked him up with another guy who I was encouraging to be a sponsor. That guy relapsed.

So as he got started I was feeling bad for turning him down again. But when his current sponsor introduced him and he told the story about how they hooked up I knew it was God's will.

The baby's crying so it must be God's will for me to end with that.

This morning I woke up very late and was not ready at all. I simply persevered, tried not to let myself get too agitated and made it to work just a little late. It all ended up ok even though my emotions were trying tell me it was terrible.

At mid-morning I went down the street to get some breakfast tacos. As I went around the corner I saw a guy straining to see someone walking down the street. He was looking at a girl in tiny black shorts, a very short midriffs and a baton under a garter. She looked like a stripper still in her Halloween costume. I speculated that she was just ending her party from last night and maybe got stuck somewhere downtown. She didn't look too happy and was having to walk alone in front of some very menacing looking characters. There were other little synchronicities in the next few minutes like a guy talking to another behind me at the restaurant that the party's over and something else I didn't recall that made grateful I don't have to end up in those situation anymore.

I got to go to the noon meeting downtown at lunch. The reading was the second part of step 12 in the 12 x 12. It sure seemed like a synchronous event that a meeting was this topic again. It was easy to share about it as a recent meeting I went to was on the same topic and I later was meditating about it.

Tonight my wife got angry at me and the kids and I had to practice the principles at home. I had to resist fighting with her or putting expectations on her and just try to be kind, tolerant and forgiving. I had to set a boundary of not arguing.