Today during the day I was thinking about last night's meeting topic again. I still felt dissapoined at not sharing about it but took consolation in the fact that I did 12th step sharing both before and after the meeting on a one-on-one basis with several guys. I realized at some point that I also was never quite clear in my cenception of this topic. I felt compelled to think it through and write about it.

At several times during the day I tried to write about it but just kept getting interrupted and distracted and even when I focused I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I started several trains of thought and had to throw them away and start over. I felt baffled and confused.

Late in the afternoon I got a call from someone in need of counsel. I spoke to him for a long time and was astonished at how I was able to concieve and express thoughts about everything he was struglling with. I was able to share my experience, perspective and point him back to the process over and over. One of the things he talked to me about was sometimes not being able to share in meetings. I shared with him that there was a process for that too, that I always make it a point that if I don't get to share for whatever reason that I stay and share with someone after the meeting. Invariably someone finds me that needed to hear something I had to say or that says something I needed to hear. I told him that this is 12th step work. At the end he thanked me for picking up the phone and said he just really needed someone to talk to that moment.

I went back to my writing and continued to be baffled but at least I knew that I wasn't baffled about everything.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting even though I know she would rather me stay home and help her. The meeting topic was step 12 and doing 12th step work in meetings.

I never got to share on the topic but I did some 12th step sharing after the meeting.

I also thought about how my wife had the insight to encourage me to go even though it went against her desires and needs. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the benefits of her program because of my self-righteousness. But if it weren't for the fact that she has a program of her own then she wouldn't be aware that I need to stay connected to my fellowship right now especially in light of what is going on this week with my surgery.