Yesterday morning I had my kidney stone surgery. On the way to the operating room I got that creepy feeling like I was going to the execution chamber. I kept thinking about when was going to be my last conscious moment and would I know it.

Today I suddenly remembered that I didn't go under right away. I remember that I was conscious for 2-3 minutes. I started talking to the people in the operating room and telling them how good I felt. I had a few moments where I was really flying high and maybe I told them I was a dope head getting a freebie. I almost felt like I was singing. Maybe it was just a dream.

I woke up in startling pain as they didn't have me on any pain killer meds. I was out of there in a short time and was really hurting when I came how. Urinating was excrutiating. It felt like I was pissing razor blades and glass. It was real bloody and clotted. My steady pain ended abruptly in the afternoon and the worst pain urinating ended today.

I thought all day about finishing my blog on self-righteous anger but never got a chance. I dreamed all day about getting my time at night after the kids went to bed. But when I finally got the time my wife came in an interrupted me with stuff she wanted to talk about and needed me to do. I was frustrated and resentful.
I never got to do my evening review either.

Today I got to go to work a half day. I was backlogged with work and very busy but felt productive and felt again like I am becoming knowledgeable about our system.

I had a lot of financial fear today. My wife and I argued about our finances and I had that desperate feeling of taking drastic measures. I wanted to make demands of her but I held back. I prayed for God to save me from being angry.

Yesterday we were asked to substitute for my sponsor and his wife to speak at a treatment center. Today we were called by our counselor friend to speak at another treatment center Thursday night. I felt resentful that I don't think we can find babysitting. It isn't my Mom's fault but I just get frustrated at the circumstances and feel like no one understands what it's like for us.

Despite my frustrations I feel extremely grateful right now for all that God has done for me and my family. I am grateful for my health, our livelyhood, my wife and kids, our fellowship and my job.