Last night I was grateful to have found a recording of my friend Blind Dave doing a workshop on steps 1,2, and 3 at a rather large AA convention. I was really impressed again to hear how good of a speaker he is. I found myself envying his ability until I remembered that he used to be a preacher and that's why he has so much experience.

Tonight I watched a show about the Seven Deadly Sins with my son. It was a really good show that explored the sins and the consequences of them from an objective and practical perspective. It explored the religious origins of the moral code but also the psychological and instinctual origins of the sins themselves.

I found the approaches to studying and correcting the behaviors to be very interesting in that people often lean too far in one direction or the other. In one superstitious extreme some believe that people with sin disorders to be possessed and that exorcism alone to be the solution without regard for the long term habits that are ingrained behaviors and require continued therapy. Others look solely to the brain chemistry and think that chemical balance is the solution. They look at the electrical activity in the brain and identify what are a sin resides in. In other words trying to fix a software problem with a hardware solution.

I believe that sins are a problem of the mind, not the brain, and not demonic possession. I believe that the mind is just the vessel of the feelings, conceptions, and spirit of a person. I think that the chemicals and electronic impulses are just the carriers of the thought processes and the chemical imbalances are caused by imbalanced thoughts or sins. If you change the thinking and behavior then the brain mechanics will reflect this. I think that spiritual beings do exert some influence but that it requires our participation until we indulge in the sins to the extent that we become possessed. But, the solution to exorcise the possession is to exorcise the sin.

Today I was grateful that I was well enough to make it to work even though I was sick to my stomach and I gradually got better.
I was grateful that we closed at noon.
I was grateful that my son has a friend that likes baseball and he got us to practice.
I griped at the kids too much a few times.

Tonight at the end of our prayers, my oldest son and I reflected on a good year and thanked God. I look for to another great year coming up, they just keep getting better and better.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had a hard time waking up and praying again.

This morning I thought about how this weekend there were two times when my wife and I seemed on the verge of angry, bitter, disagreement of the type that we used to have, but we both averted it. The severity of these events seemed to have eluded me in my inventories for those nights.

Today was a very busy day at work with the new quarter imminent. There was a work project that we were tasked to collaborate on to revise a piece of work that someone else had already drafted. My draft was remitted to be redone in a different format which cost me double work and double the time. I found myself surging with resentment for a few moments, but I sought repentance and looked and focused on the team effort and was immediately relieved and inspired to get it done which I did. I am grateful that it is not pending because I was informed about another pending project that is imminent.

At noon today I got to go to the meeting. We read the end of step 9 and the beginning of tradition 10. I had to read and share a short time after arriving and with little meditation on the topic. I did ok but I had to wonder just how helpful it is to read so often about the traditions.

This evening I got to colect firewood on the way home, I got to swing the little ones on their playset, I got to throw passes with the older boys, and I got to eat a great dinner that my wife made.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a hard time waking up. So much so that I thought I might be sick or that I went to bed too late. I believe that it was just an adjustment from being off to going back to work.

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We finished More About Alcoholism and started We Agnostics. I thought about apatheticism and secularism today and how this is a more insidious evil that can lead a person away from God and into disorder and dysfunction just as effectively as overt evil.

Walking down the street I had a moment when a desire sprung up. I took a spot check of my feeling and realized that there was a complex rationalization in a seemingly minor sin. Inside I was telling myself that the it wasn't important, or it wasn't harmful, or I really wasn't doing it, or just ignoring it would be enough. When I admitted it was happening, I didn't want to turn away. At that moment I remembered that during a recent "think through" I made a commitment to make Jesus and his Truth bigger and more important than this (or any) desire. So I did that (even though I couldn't remember all the reasons why)and was immediately free from the vice of the thought.

Tonight I was a little gripy to my wife at times.

As I was thinking about some of what was read at the meeting today. I remembered what I thought about it. This was about how I will slip into the obsession without warning apart from a spiritual power. I had spoken about my last relapse and I began to remember it. Suddenly I was drawn intensely into the chemo-erotic activities, feelings, and experience of the episode.

I must pray for God to remove them and to be the biggest and most important thing in my life as I did today.

Thanks be to God for a Power that will restore me to sanity.

This morning we were late getting up but I took it easy and we made it to mass on time and the kids were fairly well behaved. We avoided stress and irritability.

In the afternoon I became resentful that my wife was gone for a long time. I wasn't so much resentful at her as just not happy with not being able to accomplish anything that I wanted to do.

I got some dishes done, I got the trash out, I got some leaves put out, I chopped some firewood for the evening. I am listing these things to help see that I did something with this day.

I see now that these things were minor in comparison to guiding my kids in their spiritual formation, being present and loving in their lives, keeping them clean and fed and healthy, and just spending leisure time with them. I truly did accomplish alot today.

Tonight I watched a program about the assassination attempt by Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg on Adolf Hitler. The thing that got my attention was that he was a devout Catholic and his moral revulsion came from this.

Thank be to God for a good day.

This morning I was grateful that I woke up at a decent hour. I prayed and watched the mass and got the kids up and off to a good start.

I thought about how I used to be so irritable during the holidays and how I used to just see it as a big pain in my ass. I am grateful that I can appreciate and enjoy these times now despite the chaos.

At mid-day I jumped on my wife for using the broom to wipe the table and she got very angry. I had to be assertive one time and then let it go. I had to pray for God to keep me from being angry and I had to stop thinking about it and thinking critically about her. With a little time she recovered. I don't know if I was completely right and I don't want to review it with her but I need to make amends for getting after her.

In the afternoon we had another Christmas dinner with my nephew and my parents. We had a great meal and a great time. My body language to my sister in law was less than warm and I need to work on this. I tried to talk to my dad about the Christmas truce story in World War I. I could tell that he wasn't too interested and I never got to finish it. I know that I have a desire to reach him about spiritual matters and I find myself developing expectations when I find ways to work this into conversations. I realize that I was disappointed. I ask God to help me with this so that I can remain willing and find peace. We had fun, playing washers and practicing baseball with the boys.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting, I was grateful.

Today was a much more peaceful and serene day. I slept in a little and started to worry that I was sleeping too late but I managed to get going and got the kids up and started by 8:40.

Right after breakfast the phone rang and I uncharacteristically answered it. It was my wayward niece calling to wish us a Merry Christmas. I was grateful to get to speak to her and offer her some hope for a better life even though we didn't speak directly about this.

My son's friend came to visit and it was a blessing because he got us to go outside and hit baseballs into the batting net. Then he wanted us to take him on one of our bike rides so we did. We had a great ride even though I had a flat on the ride home. I had to walk about 10 blocks but it was still enjoyable and healthy exercise. I noticed that I didn't react poorly internally about it. I was able to just make a good decision about walking toward the gas station to get air and was able to jog with the bike.

Throughout the day I got to do some odds and ends around the house which helped me with a constructive outlook on ths day.

In the evening I got to go to my meeting. We read the story about the Mic Mac Indian.

I was grateful for the gift of recovery and the spiritual life today.

Today was a great Christmas day for my family but it was difficult for my wife and I.

The kids had a great time opening their gifts from Santa Claus in the early morning.

My wife and I had to get very busy preparing for Christmas dinner. By this time I was feeling overwhelmed with the kids as we had to deal with the chaos of them going nuts and then wanting breakfast and then trying to get the house cleaned up and the dinner going.

There was a point when I couldn't think anymore and the kids had on a movie that I couldn't stop watching. I wasn't being very helpful except to do occasional requests for the kids. My wife griped at me a few times and I judged her for losing site of the spirit of Christmas.

By the time dinner came together and we said grace, we felt better.

In the afternoon I began to feel the achy headache and weak feeling that starts every cold this season and I laid down for a minute and passed out for an hour or two.

I woke up and could see that my wife was resentful. But, physically I felt rested and I got busy and took over the kids and she laid down and passed out.

It was a bit stressful but I never felt as brain dead and weak as I did in the morning. I could have done a better job of letting my wife rest in peace but she did get to rest for a long time and she needed it.

Thanks be to God for this day and happy birthday Jesus.

This morning I got up and fed the kids. I knew my wife had been up late wrapping gifts so I was prepared to take care of the kids and clean up by myself. I managed to stay in good spirits until mid-afternoon. At some point my wife confronted me about my feelings and I realized that I must deal with feelings that accumulate despite whatever spiritual fitness and preparation that I might have. I tried to communicate to her that it was not her fault, but now that I think about it I must talk to her again.

I was deeply moved by the story of the Christmas truce that I saw today. I saw how powerful God truly is in that he could stop a war and change men's hearts. We also watched several children's programs. Each of them was about how people get caught up in the ideal Christmas experience and lose sight of the real meaning and helping others. Later I found myself judging my wife in this regard.

My wife took 2 of our kid's to mass and I stayed home with the others and watched the midnight mass on TV.

I played washers in the yard with a neighborhood boy and my son and we threw baseballs for a while. Later I went and collected fire wood for a fire.

Tonight we watched It's a wonderful life and I related to it in a way that I hadn't ever been able to before. I epecially noted that the final outcome was that the man had a conversion through a trial, a spiritual experience, and the grace of God.

At the end of this day I am grateful for the gift of the Son and for forgiveness and redemption and for eternal life. I am also grateful for a second chance at this life and for my wife and family. It truly is a wonderful life.

Today I was grateful for an easy day at work. My work volume was low due to the coming holiday. I got to finish a project that I had been working on for some time.

At noon I got to go to my meeting. The topic was tradition 8 again. We went through this tradition two weeks ago and then they got mixed up and went through it again. Today we were on the last page. There were some new people at our meeting and one of them was chairing. The meeting was late getting started when I got there and got off to an awkward start as they weren't sure what page we were on. I sat down and was the first to read.

I didn't have much time to think about the topic but thankfully I had some previous stuff to rehash from the previous weeks. I wasn't to pleased with the job I was doing but I was blessed with some thoughts that connected to my early sobriety and went off in a tagent but then came back to the tradition and sobriety and emotional sobriety at the group and personal level.

A lady with 36 years kindly shared that she couldn't hear what I said. A newcomer shared that he related to the parts where I went off topic.

In the afternoon I got to play table tennis twice. The matches were epic struggles in which my opponet and I took our skills to beyond the extent of what each of us thought we were capable of. In the end however, I lost both matches.

This is not a big deal, it is just a game. However, I realized on my way home again that I was experiencing an emotional let down and this was creeping into my other thoughts. As meaningless as the game was, I still had to pray to God to reform this. I gained immediate perspective and it left me.

This evening I chopped some wood from my woodpile and made a fire in the fireplace. I had the kids practice sitting for church and being quite. At one point my daughter was being defiant and I angrily swatted her. I felt an obligation to repent and I prayed and asked the Lord for guidance. My daughter behaved the rest of the night and I didn't get any feeling that I didn't do the right thing.

Later we watched Mother Angelica and I read a story with the kids.

We said our prayers together before bed and my daughter spoke her prayers next to me very consistently. She sounded like a little angel.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read from the first few pages of More about Alcoholism. The main theme of having been unwilling to admit we were alcoholic really stood out to me. Rather than getting into the themes of the individual paragraphs or individual sentences or individual phrases each of which can be topics to themselves, I just saw that they were all aspects of being unwilling to admit that I am a real alcoholic.

It occurred to me how many different facets there are just to make this particular admission: surrender, acceptance, willingness, honesty, compliance, humility, and comprehension.

The most important connection that I made was that the guy that I met with yesterday helped me to see that I had become unwilling to admit that I am a real alcoholic.

When I questioned whether I should go to the treatment center because I have a clean life, I was unwilling to admit that I was a real alcoholic.
When I questioned whether I had time to work with him because I had things to do at home I was unwilling to admit that I was a real alcoholic.
When I questioned whether or not I was as bad as him because he had been homeless, I was unwilling to admit I was a real alcoholic.

Willingness is something that must be replenished in me and is transitory due to my nature.

I realize that this is the same unwillingness that I had in the beginning.

Thanks be to God for willingness today.

Last night several of my kids were sick so I knew going to bed that it would be unlikely that we would make it to mass this morning. Thankfully I got up early and the kids woke up and we watched the mass live on TV. I made spiritual communion.

This afternoon I got to go to the CA panel speaker meeting at the treatment center south of town. I got to bring the topic, it was the importance of identification. I thought the point of it was a little lost on the panel but we kept our talking relatively brief and the community asked good questions. The last guy asked the question I had been waiting for, "what did you guys do right after you got out of treatment?".

After the meeting a guy asked me to hear his 5th step. It wasn't a perfectly done 5th step, I didn't go through the qualification interview, or the talk about sponsorship, or the talk about his previous stepwork, but we did talk about rigorous honesty, the importance of disclosing our dark secrets to someone, and the power that this work connects us to which is God.

The guy told me the facts about himself that he discovered from his 4th step and he told me about all the lows that his addictions took him too. He admitted his difficulty with his desire to get high. I was able to share my experience with these matters and how disclosure has helped me. We prayed and we talked and I was grateful for this gift that I needed just before Christmas.

I felt like I was being visited by an angel at times and at times I could see a demon. But in the end I saw a man who was willing, if just for today, and a man who has hope. I end this day with the hope and willingness that I needed.

I saw myself in that man and God spoke to me through this identification.

Thanks be to God for all the gifts and blessings I received today.

This morning I rose feeling pretty optimistic about this day. But after I fed the kids I got a headache and felt very tired when my wife finally got up around 10. I was resentful that my wife doesn't do a better job of cleaning the house and I was afraid that I was going to get stuck doing inside housework and not get to do yardwork. Somehow thoughts came to mind of all the addicts who don't have a good wife and house to get resentful about.

I fell into a deep sleep and was worried that I was losing the day. Thankfully I woke up before noon and went on to a better day.

I was blessed with the initiative and opportunity to rake leaves and clean up the yard little by little all day.

I got to throw baseballs with my son in the afternoon.

This evening I thought about basic instincts and psychic formation. I thought about how psychic formation and fitness must be the most important priority in my life.

Last night I never got to finish my daily review because my wife went to a Christmas party for the autism society and I had to take care of the children alone. I was disappointed because it seems that I really had a lot to write about. I was grateful to get to spend some time reading stories about the real Saint Nicholas with my kids.

Today I had to request to leave early so that my wife could go to the doctor with the kids. I was grateful for the courage and assertiveness to request off as I was initially afraid to ask. I was also grateful for the willingness to help and the opportunity to be helpful.

Tonight I got to go to our book study meeting. I had reservations about going again because I was afraid no one would be there. The meeting was very well attended and a new guy thanked us for being there. We read the story "On The Move". The title is based on the concept of geographical cures. I related to this in that I discovered geographical substances. When I discovered drugs this obscured my alcoholism and for the rest of my life I played musical chemicals.

After the meeting I got to talk to a friend who is recently back in recovery. We got to talk about our experiences in the events leading up to relapse and what it takes to make it.

Tonight I find myself resentful because I cannot remember the moments of inspiration that I had today. I just need to accept God's will and His time now that the kids have gone to bed. I am going to stop and pray

Today I was able to focus better on work.

Today I was able to behave more professionally and avoid gossipy talk.

At noon today I got to go to the 12 step meeting. We read from the chapter, "There is a Solution". The pages we read talked about the we and the admission. I talked about some things that were clear cut. But, I also spoke about some parts that were less obvious but have been important in the process for me, mainly how the family is part of the we and how that helped me with my willingness. I felt less confident about how helpful these things were and I think it came across in my voice.

A guy who is new shared very poignantly about how he is undergoing a shift in his life and he thanked us for everything that we share and he reassured us that it is all helpful to him. He shared a personal experience that brought me to tears and sent my gratitude off the charts.

This evening I was able to be kinder to my wife and kids.

Thanks be to God for gifts of the spirit.

Last night one of my children had a big diahrea accident in bed that we had to get up and clean.

This morning I was late geting out teh door and barely made it to work on time.

At noon I got to go to our 12 step meeting. THe topic was tradition 8 on non-professionalism. I was able to read and share on short notice again and managed to relate to the topic and do my part to support the meeting. A guy shared in the meeting (as he often does) in a way that I thought was not helpful, not on topic, disrespectful to God, and not sane. I found myself wondering if we have a responsibility to address this with him. I remembered a recent article in the grapevine that addressed this very subject but on a broader scale. I realized that I do not have to address it or try to manage it in any way. Instead I just need to continue to try and do the best job I can to live the principles myself. In doing this I do what I am responsible to do to uphold the traditions.

This afternoon I found myself talking and acting in an undisciplined and unprofessional manner. It was not terribly bad or anything but I just need to raise my level of integrity and work ethic higher. I also need to remain focused on work.

In the early evening I finished stringing the christmas lights, they look beautiful.

I had the 2 middle children practice sitting in Church again tonight, My wife was not too supportive about this and said something abou it being mean. I believe that it is mean to place an expectation on the kids to sit still in mass for an hour a week when they never have to do this anywhere else.

Late this evening I got cranky and irritable when she and I wanted to do different things at the same time. I was tired and lost the energy to be patient, tolerant, kind, and loving. I got irrationally angry when my will wasn't being done. I didn't take my will back, it just came back. I was disappointed in myself for this. I need to make amends with my wife.

I feel better now and pray to leave tonights issues in tonight and pray for a good night's sleep.

Thanks be to God for another great day full of opportunities to grow.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. I sat down in a position that was next in line to read. I knew that I would called on next and it came immediately. The chairperson gave me the option to pass and I turned the decision back to him creating an awkward moment. It was not a big deal but I just thought that I did this out of fear and selfishness.

I did read and God blessed me with words to share from my experience, the principles of 12 step recovery, and the spiritual life.

This afternoon I had to answer an email that placed the cause of a problem with a customer on my actions. It took me a long time to draft a reply that stated the truth but wasn't too defensive. I managed to be somewhat understanding of my accuser and even helpful. In the end I received support from my boss and another co-worker and I may have come out ok. But I couldn't help feeling that I was too reactionary and defensive. I think that my response was the responsible thing to do as immediate feedback is teh culture of my company. Afterward I realized that I could have applied the principle of "seek first to understand" more thoroughly. In so doing I could have been less defensive and more constructive.

I got a phone call from a customer about a subject in which we had exchanged emails on a similar testy subject. This was another situation where I had to address a difficult subject diplomatically. I wrote a reply stating the facts and then I rewrote it from the perspective of empathy for her situation first, then a statement of facts with a pleasant and helpful tone. In her phone call my customer was concilliatory and willing to listen.

This afternoon I got a call from a good friend who is a fellow recovering addict. He needed to speak to another addict in recovery. This was just what I needed to help me meet my recovery fellowship needs because I needed to speak to another addict in recovery as I did not get to go to those meetings this weekend. I got to share my recent inventory and I got to hear his. In the end I felt like the student. A crazy thing happened when he quoted me that "I don't take my will back, it just comes". I remembered saying that but it was as if I were hearing it for the first time.

Thanks be to God for all His graces and blessingws, may I do better with them tomorrow.

This Friday I got to go to our company dinner with my wife. It was a difficult thing for us to do for lots of reasons. I was afraid to go because we didn't have any money and because of what unexpected expenses we might encounter. I had to ask my mom for money and all she had ws $7.00. But, the only expense was parking. The party was at the nicest steakhouse in the city in the heart of downtown across from city hall. It was difficult also for me to endure partying with people with more lucrative and worldy lives, But I had to look at what an opportunity this is for us to be able to have a time like this at a place like that.

Saturday morning we got up early and I remembered to watch religious programming for the kids.

Saturday morning we went and took our family portrait. I was afraid because we didn't ahve any money and I was afraid of unexpected expenses. The studio was running 30 minutes behind and my wife complained to the staff. It was difficult for me to endure but I had to let it go. Or portrait turned out really beautiful. Everything worked out monetarily.

In the evening my wife had to work. I was resentful that she was away another evening.

I didn't get to write inventory 2 nights in a row and I almost didn't get to do so again tonight.

This morning we woke up early and I remembered not to make a sugary breakfast and I had time to get teh kids well fed and wide awake for teh early mass. However, we still very had a difficult time in mass with the 2 middle kids. I did well not to get angry and not let it get me down. It simply strengthened my resolve to teach train them daily to sit in church.

This afternoon we had a birthday party for my son's friend. I was afraid because we didn't have much money. I did have a few dollars thanks to my wife working last night and I only had to spen a dollar or two.

We had a good day the rest of the afternoon.

Today a guy at work had enough courage to present the other side of the story for the guy who was fired at work. I felt bad for having empathised with the seeming ill will that was expressed about him. I then thought about how I was careful in my choice of words and didn't express ill will, just disappointment.

Today I ran into a guy from my Church outside of my building. He asked me about my job. He said that it is fortunate for me that I have the skills to do this kind of work. I told him that it is by the grace of God that I have received the opportunities in life that I have. I told him that I am very blessed to have the job that I have. Later in the day we were told that we are not getting bonuses that we thought we were getting. It was as if God presented the opportunity for me to realize how lucky I am to have what I have before I might become ungrateful.

In the afternoon I was barraged with requests while I was trying to meet a deadline. I managed to make the deadline but I still felt afraid that I didn't do it right.

Tonight I remembered to get the kids to practice behaving in Church. It went well, they sat almost the entire hour. I had to give directions to sit still alot but there were no meltdowns or fits. I was very grateful that we got off to a good start and I am optimistic that this will work.

Thanks be to God.

Kast night I was alone with the kids and I didn't get to do a review. We did pray together before going to sleep.

My wife came home and woke me up and it was snowing. We had a great time alone together taking pictures and looking in amazement as it all came down.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read from Bill's story. The meeting was well attended again.

A guy got fired today and I felt worried about the way this can happen so swiftly. Fortunately I receieved words of encouragement from my boss.

I was also worried about a task that was due that I could not complete. I was there after my quitting time and I got a notice that the deadline had been extended. Thanks be to God.

This afternoon I was walkling through the house on a phone call leaving a voicemail when my wife yealled at my son just as I was walking by her. I froze in my message and got very embarrased and angry. I told her what I needed to say and then I had to ket go of the resentment.

God helped me be free and I got to go pick up a free bucket of baseballs from a friend.

Thanks be to God for all His blessings.

Today I had some thoughts again that I may make too big of an issue of sobriety in my life. Then I remembered about the celebrity rehab that I saw this weekend and how little effect that the professional service seemed to have.

I went to the noon meeting newly motivated to be on Team Sobriety.

We had a decent evening until it was threatened by an episode of disobedience from my oldest son. He had a fit when my wife told him he couldn't go outside after dinner. I asked him to stop and then had to give him punishment which he refused. I had to systematically raise the punishment and eventually send him to bed. I was able to do this without yelling an losing emotional control. He cried for a whil but eventually surrendered and became willing to do his punishment and we had a happy evening from then on.

Other than that it was pretty routine.

Thanks be to God.

This morning at the first sign of irritability with the kids I resolved to surrender and be motivated to the tasks of the day and engaging my family rather than my thoughts and entertainment.

We got up early and made it to mass in good spirits and on time. About halfway through mass the kids became unruly and we were forced to leave.

I had to remember that this is just how it is for us and this is who we are. We are doing better with the kids but their behavior and discipline is not as well formed as others. I must not worry about the opinion of others and I shouldn't compare our kids to others.

We had a great afternoon. I hung the Christmas lights and we watched a football game, the Cowboys and the Steelers. I got too emotionally invested in the game and I am still depressed about the loss.

I made the star for our roof.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up fairly early and got a good breakfast going for the kids.

I remembered to run religious programming again this morning for the kids and they were very entertained and we got to watch a good animated version of the prodigal son.

I got resentful at my wife when I griped at her about the dirty doornobs in our house.

had the privelege of taking my son to his first confession. I thought about how important this is but how little that I remember it from my childhood. The church brought in many priests and the confessions were held in side rooms rather than confessionals. They didn't close the door when my son went in and I could see the priest talking to him. It is a memory that I wish to etch in my mind forever.

At mid-afternoon my wife came home and went to sleep. I got resentful that I couldn't do anything except watch the kids. When she woke up I tried to put out Christmas lights but after a long time I found that all of our lights are broken. I got frustrated and felt like I hadn't done anything with the day and couldn't get focused on anything productive because the kids were constantly clamoring for something.

My wife made amends with me this afternoon, I should have been more enthusiastic. She bought Christmas lights at the store unexpectedly so I feel like my efforts sorting the old ones were not wasted.

This evening I caught myself getting angry and resentful several times and I had to pray. Then at a certain point I realized that I was fighting God's will. I realized that I needed to surrender and be motivated to focus entirely on the kid's maintenance.

The rest of the evening went better.

Thanks be to GOD.

Last night my wife was angry with me about the way we were doing my son's science project and there was a point where I just had to pull out of the argument and let her stay mad. Today she understood and it all went well, thanks be to God.

Today I had a good day at work and was very productive.

I went to the noon meeting even though I didn't want to. I was glad to go and read from the doctor's opinion. A friend was there who I had seen in a while.

Tonight my wife had to leave soon after I got home to go to a job. Later I remembered about my friday night meeting. I called around late but never did find anyone that was going. I was afraid that no one was there to unlock and that I failed to live up to my responsibility. I was thankful that I got to go to the noon meeting.

Tonight a woman from the neighborhood made an inappropriate visit and invitation. She had been drinking and was a little too friendly. I had to take imediate action and cut the conversation short at the risk of our kid's friendship. I suspect now that the temptations in my thought life this week have been leading up to this.

I am grateful for spiritual conditioning.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had vivid dreams of encounters wih women. I find it disconcerting that the dreams are so detailed and the women that my mind makes up are so realistic. In one case I got play from a mother, daughter, and sister. I woke up and felt like a cheesy manther.

I had a lot of epiphanies and inspired thoughts after prayer this morning but I can't remember what the are now. But by mid-morning I realized that my vivacity of thought had returned and I was grateful.

Today at the noon meeting we read the appendix about the spiritual experience. I was disappointed that I left out an important concept in the end of my share. That being that I found the meaning of "vital" to be "living" not just "critical" or necessary. This was what enabled me to stay sober.

I had a great day in which I felt back to normal.

Thanks be to God.

Monday night I woke up at 11:40 and couldn't go back to sleep all night. This was probably due to sleeping so much when I was sick. It made for a long day but I was glad to be better.

When I dozed off just before it was time to wake up I had a dream of a physical encounter with another woman. I woke and had to resist holding on to the thoughts and I prayed for correction and replacement with my wife and it worked. As I went about my morning routine my thoughts drifted into a lost memory of a night in a hotel room with drugs and sexual activity. I had a thought about how difficult or impossible it is to not want that experience again in my life. After praying I had the thought that whatever experiences I have here on earth, even the lurid ones, the after life will be greater experiences. Except that they will be for the good and not harmful.

Today I wished I had more money for better food.

I had a good productive day despite low energy from not sleeping but I lost at ping pong.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting.

This evening I had to pick up Bobby from his religious Ed and I was very tired so I wasn't able to get the Christmas lights started. I did get to watch my toddler daughter learn to climb her slide and slide down by herself.

I passed out at the end of a good day, thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up still feeling sick but I got to work on the premise that I would come home if needed. By the time I got there I felt resilient enough to stay and I ended up having a good productive day. I even won at ping pong twice.

Today at the noon meeting we read the 12 traditions short and long versions. I saw a common theme, that problems of money, property, and prestige are mind altering and can be diversions from a spiritual purpose.

Before the meeting I read an article about a celebrity struggling with addiction. In reading about his spiral of self destruction and the lies and denial and pain that go with that, I found gratitude for my sobriety. I had already experienced finding gratitude for my health, spirit, and life but this made me especially grateful to be sober.

Thanks be to God for another sober holiday.

Today I was sick again and we didn't make it to church. I felt resentful at my wife even though it wasn't her fault.

I felt remorseful that I wasn't very productive. During the morning mass on TV I woke up and felt a wave of grace come over me. I felt like I was recieving a miraculous recovery.

My spirits felt better the rest of the day even though my physical energy was low and I didn't really get anything accomplished.

In the evening I got to spend some good time with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday I was sick again but felt better at midday. I did some yard work and then felt worse in the evening.

My wife worked for the last half of the day and I struggled to supervise the kids. By the ed of the day I was in very low spirits and was practically non-functional. I felt like I was neglecting them.

I put the kids to bed and passed out early. They all got back up and kept waking me up with minor requests. I yelled at them too much. Then my oldest woke me up sick and vomiting. I got up to help him just in time.

This morning I was sick again and I started my prayers and fell asleep several times. I slept very late until close to 9:00 am. I still wasn't ready to get up but I had an intuition, a strong feeling that I needed to get the baby up or at least check on her. I jumped out of bed and found that she was awake and quietly crying because she ad diarrhea and had a huge diaper blowout. Looking back on it she didn't have a rash so she couldn't have been too long that way. But at the time I had the distinct feeling of having neglected the kids. I thought of the scene in trainspotting where the couple neglected the baby and it died.

I got the kids fed and we had a pretty decent morning considering how poorly I felt. But I did realize that I should be a lot worse and that I was getting better. I was also grateful that my wife and mother and I had stayed on top of the housekeeping so the house was fairly decent.

I dozed off and on all day and felt my body fighting the sickness. By mid-afternoon I had that useless feeling and just had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was wasting the day. I realized that I had a lot to be grateful for especially that this bout of illness didn't happen while I was working. But I had to accept that my feelings were just going to be empty.

My wife missed getting a job tonight so she encouraged me to go to my meeting. I had started to entertain the notion that I might just unlock the clubhouse and come home because I was sick. But I went ahead and went and stayed even though I felt mentally disconected. I just decided to go through the motions and do God's will.

The meeting ended up being very well attended. I was completely surprised. I chaired and was able to do a decent job. The story was not all that great but it was a god meeting and I was very uplifted by the things shared and the fellowship in the room. But mostly I felt that I carried the message and perfomed a vital service. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared.

I got to stay afterward and play washers and have some one-on-one fellowship and guidance after the meeting.

I got home and felt way to awake way too late, I was worried about not being able to sleep. After having some good conversation with my wife we both started winding down towards bed and she had an intuition about our autistic son and went to check on him. She found that he had vomited very bad. I was awake enough to help her clean him up and comfort him. I would not have been able to do this had I no been awake.

Once again I see that all things are as they were meant to be.

Thanks be to God.

This thanksgiving day was another great holiday with family but I was sick and the day was long.

I was thankful that the holiday is no longer a day in which dysfunction must be endured. We all love to spend time together and my parents stayed all day into the evening.

At the end of the day I was grateful for the day but I was glad to have it behind me.

This morning I woke up feeling another cold coming on but I did my best to take vitamins to try and fend it off.

I was grateful that I got to take off at 1 o'clock today and I get holidays for the next 2 days.

I didn't get to make it to the noon meeting today but I got to go to a different meeting at 1:30. At 1:35 two other people were there seated and a guy came in and asked when the next meeting was to start. I told him 5 minutes ago and I stepped up to chair with some prodding.

I wasn't very smooth but I was comfortable anyway. I wasn't sure what to bring as a topic so I discussed step 2 about a power that would restore me to sanity and I read about step 11 as spiritual conditioning as access to that power and to build up and sustain my spiritual being.

This morning the daily scriptures were again from the book of revelation. The imagery is very powerful and inspiring. I think about how my perception of the reading is so different now that I have been awakened to new levels of a spiritual conception than it was ever in my life.

I wanted to jot down some observations about the readings from the past week about Christ the King leading up to Thanksgiving day and then advent.
The idea of God as the shepherd and the shepherd as a ruler.
Worldly rulers and the true ruler of the world.
The throne room of the Lord.
The imagery of the realm of the spirit.
The sovereignty of the Lord and the creatures He rules.
The end of times and the final judgment.
The harvest of the faithful.
The separation of the wicked from the righteous.
The acts of faith by which we will be judged.

Today I joked with guys at work all day about a recording of a person with a deep ethnic accent and a misguided notion. It was form of self-righteous pride. I was mocking the lowly, I was propagating a stereotype. After meditating on the Gospel reading from sunday the feast of Christ the king I had to do a heartfelt act of contrition over this.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting because an elevator was stuck. But I got to take a walk which was rejuvinating. I also ran into a friend from the meeting on the street and we got to have a friendly conversation that we never get to have at the meeting.

Tonight I griped at the boys more than I should have.

Tonight I found a prayer for Thanksgiving.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Today I thought some more about the guys that I saw at the rehab center. Each of the guys were very active in service work and were well connected in the recovery fellowship. One guy worked at a top of the line rehab and another was a founder of the groups in our part of town. The common thread of their relapse was that they stopped doing the spiritual maintenance steps of daily personal inventory, and prayer and meditation.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the personal story "Freedom From Bondage". I noted that it took a combination of several ingredients to bring the writer to a point of surrender, the terrible realization of powerlessness, a referral by a doctor, and an acquaintance in a twelve step fellowship. I related that it was a similar set of events that in combination helped me to jump through that window of opportunity.

I had a good day at work and a nice evening at home.

I didn't have any major fears, resentments, or desires today.

I love my wife and family and I love the life that God has given me at the end of this day.

This Sunday we went to mass together as a family again. It was good to have plenty of time to get ready and to get there in a peaceful disposition.

My 4 year old son had 3 mistakes this day. my wife pointed out that he got ahold of some wheat snacks the day before. I resisted this idea. I am experiencing the type of dishonesty called denial.

I go to go to the treatment center CA meeting. I saw 3 friends and former very active members in the fellowship that were there as patients following relapse.

I got to have a great afternoon at home wathing the ball game, playing washers with teh neigborhood kids and practicing baseball with my son and his friends.

This morning during meditation I saw the bright light briefly.

This morning I ran religious programming for kids on television again. We got to see a good animated story of the 2 sons who inherited their father's vinyard and some good teaching about purgatory.

Today we were blessed with some extra income from my wife's babysitting and from her resale, for this I am grateful.

I found out that we had an overdraft fee from the bank and I felt both upset and reentful. I had to resist both with God's help.

Later in the day I picked up a playscape slide and climbing wall to replace our broken one. The guy reduced the price by $10, so I receieved another gift.

I got to visit with my dad today and we discussed some spiritual matters although we didn't really have the discussion that I am waiting to have to ask him to join us in fellowship in our church.

Today I fell more in love with my wife.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We were reading in the chapter on step 6 in the Twelve and Twelve. When the person before me was about to read, the chairperson mistakenly directed her ahead to tradition six. she just read and passed to me. I had been totally prepared to share on step 6 but had to shift gears and talk about tradition 6. Thanks be to God for the opportunity to practice humility.

I got to see in a deeper way the parallels of the tradition with my personal program. On a personal level my biggest problem in living the spiritual life is when I let problems of money, property, and prestige divert me from God.

This afternoon I was afraid that my son would be hurt and would not love me because I had to punish him severely. Eventually he repented and performed his punishment.

As part of his religious training I got to practice with my son for his first confession coming in two weeks.

This evening I was resentful at my wife for going to a meeting of the Autism Society.

Practicing for my son's confession and the act of contrition were a synchronous event given that I was afraid and resentful today.

Thanks be to God for forgiveness.

This morning I was blessed with an early rise which I had prayed for. It made my morning more manageable.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read from the personal stories "A Late Start".

Lately I have been seeing a bright point of light, just outside of my direct view. This has coincided with moments in which the Spirit has been connecting with me.

We had a good evening.

This morning when I prayed I received some insight which led me to pray in different statements that seem to be a more accurate model of spiritual vivification.

Dear God,
As I begin this day I ask that you re-form my thoughts, instincts, and motives to conform to Your will. Please direct my thinking...

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We read the last page of tradition 5 and the first page of step 6. I noticed that the first page of step 6 was a great example of the practice of trad 5. The step 6 page deals with character defects but in the last paragraph it ties this back to the primary purpose of alcoholism.

Time to end the day, thanks be to God.

Today I had a good day at work, I got to go to my meeting at noon, and I won at ping pong. At the noon meeting I walked in late and missed the reading but the pages dealt with the physical allergy and hitting bottom. Several people spoke some were new and I got to talk about the physical factor of alcoholism and how hitting a bottom was a window of opportunity for me and that I was grateful. I also got to talk about how the program worked for me last week after I had been sick.

This afternoon I got to help a guy with a step work guide.

My wife got to help a neighbor who went to the hospital by watching her kids. She ended up getting paid for it which was a blessing. I got to help by bathing all of our kids.

I got to watch some of intervention with my son and explain alcoholism to him.

Thanks be to God for all his blessings today.

This morning we all went to mass together as a family. It was the first time that we went together and all the kids were manageable. I was so grateful, I got to hear all the readings and everything. The Gosppel was the parable of the master who gave talents to his 3 servants. The parable has always been a difficult one for me to understand but our deacon did a masterful job with it. I even got to have quiet, focused time with the Lord after taking communion.

Today I saw some playscapes free and good prices. I felt a strong covetousness crop up in side me.

Today and yesterday were the best days we have had in a while.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I couldn't sleep and had many conceptions about step one sorting out repetitively in my head until I had to get up and write them down. This continued today. Another part of my spiritual experience is beginning to unfold.

Today was my first son's birthday. The magnitude of this day almost eluded me until just a little while ago. As I sent him off to bed I picked him up and pretended it was the day that we brought him home and I was showing him around his new home. Throughout the day today he and I had moments when we made eye contact or gestures and felt that psychic connection with each other.

This morning I had low expectations from the religious programs that were on and the children's attention spans as they were preoccupied playing and I began to change the channel just as the sign of the cross was being said in a cartoon. But then my daughter completed the words and I realized just how much they enjoy it and do pay attention. I stuck with it and got to see a great cartoon about Fr. Maximillian Colby and another one about how Jesus' forgives sins. It was amazing to watch and talk to them about it and how attentive they were. And I had a personal experience with Jesus' coming to forgive sins. It was just what I needed.

I was worried about my son's party because the invitations were just sent out thursday and I didn't think anyone would show up and my son was very excited about it. I was also worried because of the weather. It worked out fantastic. Several of Bobby's friends came and even though it was windy and cool it was very nice. My father made me feel better when he talked about how much he liked being outside in the weather. My son had a great time and I got to meet and talk to three fathers of his friends. Two of the guys are from our block but I didn't know them and one guy needed information about baseball. I was very grateful that God brought together the party.

Tonight I prayed with the boys and girls and thanked God for all his blessings and for making my son's special day grand.

I am especially thankful to the LORD for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Today I went back to work with a good deal of confidence and freedom from fear. I had a busy and productive day and felt better and better as the day passed.

This evening I got to take both of my sons for a haircut and dinner afterward. It was the first time that I ever took them together and one of the first times that the three of us did anything together alone besides church. It was a nice little adventure and it was really cool to watch them interact with each other and me. This was something that I had anticipated a long time ago but forgot that I was waiting for. It was an awesome surprise gift!

Afterward, I got to go to the Friday night big book study meeting. When I got there there was no one there and some things were out of place and a light was on in a back room. I got kinda spooked and I quickly decided that the meeting would be canceled as the time to start approached and no one came. I called my sponsor and talked for a little while and then some people showed up.

We had a great meeting, we read "" from the personal stories. I thought the story was very much lie an addict story and related to much of it. There was a particular part about the many "God things" that had happened to the author that got me thinking about the recent God things that have happened to me recently. I thought about how that meeting coming together was one of those "God things".

Thanks be to God for my recovery!

I've been very ill for the last 4 days. I've gone through a lot of the feelings of fear and remorse that I usually go through when I get sick like this.
I was afraid of calling in sick to work.
I was afraid of losing my job.
I was afraid of sleeping too much and become an invalid.
I was afraid of being useless and slothful.
I was afraid of neglecting my appearance and hygiene.
I was afraid of neglecting my home.
I was afraid of neglecting my children.
I was afraid of telling the truth to my boss.
I was afraid that I was telling lies.
I was afraid that people would blame my sickness on my bad habits or my past.
I was afraid that I was going to be discovered as an addict due to being sick (this is not true of course).
The feelings in my body and in my sinuses felt like they did when I was hung over from using.
Once again I have to remember that I am no longer an addict living a lie and that it is ok to get sick. I must remember that it has nothing to do with using, that I still associate being sick with my old fears from back when it was.

Several other people were out sick which was good timing for me because it was apparent that something is going around. Thanks be to God.

Tonight I was watching a program about the body and how the mind can summon superhuman stength in dire, life threatening, circumstances. They also showed that athletes can train to summon these bursts for competition. This can also keep a person function through terrible pain and injury. I thought about how belief in a higher power (God) also works this way. Through spiritual conditioning, the power of God can overcome life threatening mental dysfunction, illness, and disorder.

Tonight I finaly feel 75% up to speed and confident I will make it to work tommorrow. I resolve now and with God's help to fear no more and to return confidently back to daily life.

Thanks be to God.

I had to stay home from work today because I was sick. I was afraid fo rmy job security. My wife was very supportive in reminding me that I have not taken off much time from work.

Tonight I thought of placing my sense of security in the almighty in stead of my limited vision.

I thought of the limits of my conceptions today.

I am turning to get some rest.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up sick, slept in and didn't make it to mass. I was pleased that my wife took my oldest son and daughter also. I made spiritual communion during mass on TV.

This evening my wife went to a fundraiser while I watched the kids. My son threw up, the dog threw up, my other son peed on the floor and my son had diarrhea in the floor. I was resentful.

I am very tired and afraid that I won't make it to work tomorrow.

I mustn't worry.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought some more about the spiritual experience as inspired by the life on mars show.

I thought of how a life threatening crisis forced me to confront my dysfunction.
I thought of how lack of options forced me to confront the solution of faith.
I thought of how the need for faith forced me to research my objections.
I thought of how my decision for faith forced me to confront my morality and character.
I thought of how I had to go through a reformation.
I thought of how Saul had to go through a reformation period.

Tonight my wife went to work and I stayed with the kids. I caught myself griping at them too much.

When I said prayers tonight my middle son does what he usually does and prompted me to talk to God after our set prayers. I was grateful to him for this because I wasn't going to do it otherwise. I was especially grateful because I thought of doing a little review with them.

I asked God to forgive me for griping at the kids.
I asked God to forgive my oldest for telling a white lie.
I asked God to forgive #2 for not following directions.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Last night I watched an episode of the program "Life on Mars". It occured to me that the character is in a sort of spiritual experience in which he has been brought back to the time when he turned away from his faith.

Most people, myself included must face a life (or sanity) threatening crisis before we become open-minded enough to make a thorough investigation of the spiritual life.

Sam is going through that crisis.

In this experience...
He is revisiting his childhood.
He is faced with questions of right and wrong and good and evil.
He must guide people to make better choices because he comes from another place/time in which he has a better understanding.
He is seeing that the influences that led him away from his faith were not as they seemed because of his own limited perception.

I believe he is undergoing a conversion back to faith and a relationship with God.

When I went through my re-conversion I had to go back through my life and de-construct my walk away from God and all the things that led to that.

It took me back to the days when I was on my knees by my bedside as a boy in 1973 and I still believed.

I had to get back to that point and staTrt over with all my questions and dilemmas with God and allow my faith to be re-formed.

Thank God for second chances.

I got to go to the noon meeting, we read the end of Gutter Bravado.

Tonight I went to the Friday night meeting but I didn't want to go. I didn't think anyone was going to show up. I thought about the program and my choice to embrace the spiritual life like a man resurrected.

One guy showed up at the meeting. We got to talk about things he really needed to talk about. Another guy came in and talked to too. The other guy stayed and talked to me about what he needed to talk about.

It was just as it was supposed to be.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I had a very effective and focused meditation. I think I experienced a spiritual growth increment. I found myself needing to trust in God to a greater magnitude. I took the leap and immediately felt like anything was possible and then felt like security and contentment will be a certainty.

This noon I got to chair the meeting. Our topic was tradition 4. I sorted out the following points

AA relates to the group like it does to the individual, it does not require that the group follow it's program.

AA discovered through trial and error that it should make suggestions and allow groups to make their mistakes rather than impose rules, that AA will survive.

This evening I was afraid... until I did this review and apprehended my faith again.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the end of the personal story in the AA Big Book, Gutter Bravado.

This evening after work I got to make dinner.

I spoke to my sponsor about my recent inventory.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

I'm resentful at: The area servants
The cause: They fired me as Internet Committee Chairperson
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem
Where was I to blame: I didn't go to 3 area meetings and I didn't make arrangements and give notice. I knew they might vote me out. I thought I was so good that I was above the rules. I placed too much value on the recognition of the position. I actually decided I didn't care if they fired me because I didn't care about the committee chair I just wanted to be webservant but then when they fired me I was mad...LOL!

I'm resentful at: My wife
The cause: For not making sure to arrange things so that I could attend the area meetings.
Affects my: ambitions, pride, self esteem, sex relations
Where was I to blame: I blamed her unfairly, it was just as much my fault. I made unreasonable demands from her. I am still holding the old sex ideal that the woman should carry the burden of the kids. I was trying to engage in a high maintenance personal activity that is not realistic to do and keep up family responsibilities.

This morning I vaguely remember that last night I had a major using dream.

I took time to meditate this morning and thought of spiritual reparation. I considered that the using dream was further evidence that I was experiencing spiritual deprivation due to not having a review of conscience 3 consecutive nights last week.

I thought of how this may seem overly dependent on the process or unrealistic but I have to remember that I am a person who has been gravely affected by a disease of the mind/spirit that requires dilligent maintenance.

I recieved some inspired conceptions today which I posted to my spiritual blog.

At mid-morning today I receieved notice that I had been fired from my area service position. I reacted angrily and had to do a spot inventory. I was able to reply with civility but lacking gratitude.

I had to resist thoughts of getting even by night being helpful. Later I began to discern that it would be better to be helpful. I got some hints from God when I picked up my son from religious education and read his classwork. Then we played his sticky situations game and the answer was Luke 6:24-37, Love Your Enemies.

I did a 4th step on it tonight.

At noon today I got to go to my meeting, the chapter was the end of step 4 again in the twelve and twelve. How's that for synchronicity. I thought of how I never have like hearing so much about how we're selfish and self-centered then I recalled that my conception of what this meant changed.

After the meeting a guy asked if the information in the Twelve and Twelve was the same as the Big Book. The guy that answered the question was the guy that chaired the meeting. He answered no. I helped by answering yes and no and providing a little more explanation. Once again I was just a support person in service work. I was an anonymous helper, but I got to do what really counts and I got to do it well.

Thanks be to God.

At mid morning I didn't feel right. I couldn't place my finger on it but I just didn't have the usual inspiration that is a daily part of my life. It didn't seem to be an emotional thing, I didn't feel intellectually slow, I didn't have any instinctual disturbance, I just felt a little empty. I thought about divine guidance but this seemed unimportant. At this point I took a spot check inventory of my program. What have I missed? I did 12th step work yesterday. I caught up on my reviews yesterday. That's when I knew what it was. I was feeling the delayed effects of missing my evening review 3 nights in a row. This is one of the cunning aspects of the spiritual malady.

Today I went to the noon meeting and we read the beginning of Gutter Bravado.

This afternoon I spent some time outside with the kids.

Tonight I read about step 11 in the grapevine.

Tonight I was resentful at my wife for reacting angrily with my son. I should have been helping her more.

God save me from being angry, thy will not mine be done.

This morning the boys and I made it to mass without much stress. They both behaved fairly but both made some mistakes and had to do some penance.

I got to go to the CA meeting at the Ranch. I was late so I sat in the audience. The panel speakers went long and I got to speak last. After the meeting I seemed to get booted out of every conversation that joined. Thinking back now I see that I didn't try to seek out anyone new looking.

This Thursday I was blessed to have a full tank of gas from a friend of my wife who borrowed my truck to move her lawnmower. I would not have this if I lived my life of isolation as I did before. This was a small thing but it gave me some appreciation for the things that I take for granted.

I went to the noon meeting, our topic was step four.

This Friday I got to go to the noon meeting.

I got to go to the evening meeting but only two regulars showed up. We sat and talked instead of reading the story.

This Saturday my wife had a garage sale and made $300.00 that our family really needed.

I had an area meeting that day that I did not attend.

During the garage sale our neighbor griped loudly at some people who blocked his driveway. I caught myself getting angry but resisted. I also started to get judgmental that my wife should have thought forward about this.

I put out a sign and no one else parked there. The next day we greeted each other.

The rest of the day I felt very out of order but my son and I took a long bike ride and I felt much better.

This Wednesday morning I darted out in a rush. I decided to take my truck even though my wife warned me that I was low on gas and we made plans that I would take our van with plenty. As I made my way to work I realized what I already knew that I was SO low that I might not make it home. I also realized what I already knew that I didn't have any money for gas. I thought about how it was my wife's fault for using my truck to go and get resale goods.

I immediately turned away from resentful thoughts at my wife. I kept trying to think of resources and I called my wife to make sure that she didn't have any money. I realized after a short time that I kept having judgmental thoughts at my wife and was growing more and more resentful. I caught myself and then prayed and prayed for God to remove my anger. I prayed repeatdly and dilligently. Thoughts came that should me my wrongs for every one of my judgements. Thoughts came that showed me my wife's virtues and why I should be grateful. Unexpectedly I found willingness to examine my own fault also. I realized that I was out of gas because of my vanity of only wanting to drive my black truck.

My wife does an outstanding job of being resourceful and trying to make money for us. I need to make amends to her.

At noon our meeting ended short and I got to stay and listen to a friend.

In the evening my son's friend opened up to me about how he wants to play team sports but never got the chance.

Today at noon we read about step 4 out of the Twelve & Twelve in our meeting. I saw that the thread of balking at personal inventory was a continuous theme throughout the chapter. I found my experience in several of the paragraphs.

- I didn't think I needed in moral inventory
- I didn't think I needed the help of sponsor
... I drank again
- I balked at continuing to take inventory after doing it initially
- I resisted the idea that I needed to continue and be accountable
... I drank again
- I gradually drifted back into managing my disturbances
- I took my inventory but didn't review it with a sponsor
... I drank again

This evening I got to go to my son's team party at the pizza and games place.

Thanks be to God for a great coach, a great group of parents, a great group of kids, and a great season.

This evening I got to carry the message of a family in recovery with my wife at the treatment center that I went to.

Tonight we did something different in that my wife went first. I thought she would be rusty and out of practice as shedoessn't get to go to meetings much these days. She knocked it out of the park. I couldn't believe how good that she did. She spoke about awakenings and perspectives that I didn't have to cover in my talk.

During her talk I saw a point of light open up behind her. It was the unexpected point I light that I have been seeing lately. I don't know if I have mentioned it in my journaling but It has correlated with moments of a spritual connection.

I didn't think that I did very good but several people gave me positive feedback. I was grateful that I get to speak every day at a meeting snd that even on bad days a helpful talk can come together.

I love my life, I love my wife, I love my family...

I love my God.

Last night I was exhausted and fell asleep early. At the end of the day I thought of several times during the day when I considered the value of the experience of every moment of every day.

We had an early start to yesterday. My son and I had our last ballgame of the season.

My parents came over to our house after the game and stayed all day

Today I thought about compartmentilizing the spiritual life and the concept of practicing spiritual pricipals in all affairs. Compartmentalization is when I keep certain ideals in some areas of my life like church and meetings but don't allow them in others.

My wife amd I took a long look at Halloween today.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. I lost my concentration while talking and was disappointed in what I spoke about. Our meeting wrapped up early snd I got to talk to people afterward which is very unusual. Two people told me that they always like what I have to share.

I got to refer the new guy to a couple of faith fellowships today.

This morning I overslept and had to get up and attend to a child before finishing praying. Tonight I am trying to get to bed early to be able to wake up on time tomorrow.

I am grateful that I got to listen to some parenting programming this morning and I found good information on their website today.

I am grateful that I got to go to our noon meeting and read about tradition 3. I talked about how I read about 4 stages of alcoholism and that 3 of those might not qualify as "real" alcoholics but that all stages could benefit from the program. Therefore, I was glad that the requirement was not that I be a real alcoholic but that I simply have a desire to stop.

I am thinking now that I am also glad that it does say there must be a desire to stop because that draws the only definite qualification necessary.

I guess the 4 stages in the Big Book would be social drinker, moderate, heavy drinker, and then real alcoholic.

This evening I was afraid because my wife is preparing to start working nights. Today I talked to the new guy who has been working 2 jobs now for a long time. I am grateful that I do not have to work 2 jobs right now. I see now that the extra work that I will have to do when my wife works will be a joy compared to working another job.

Thanks be to God.

Last night or the night before I had a using dream.

Today at Noon we read from the beginning of "". At a cursory glance I didn't expect to identify with the story but then upon reading it I identified on two main points:
- Feeling socially different
- What happened to me when I drank
As I read it though I thought of how many people feel socially different but don't end up being alcoholic. This to me indicated that they didn't react the way I did to alcohol. While it may have given them some of the social garces that it did to me, it did not take a hold of them and they were able to control it.

Today I started listening to a set of CD's about parenting. This is an answered prayer because I have lately been irritable with my wife that we haven't done any parenting training.

This afternoon my wife informed me that we will be speaking at the rehab soon. I was grateful for this opportunity and started thinking about my story. As i was thinking about it tonight I drifted into vivid thoughts about the combination of sex and drugs. I got drawn in by them and found myself startled by how powerfully they affected me. I realized that my mind had drifted into a desire that I could not go a lifetime without.

I had to take action so I prayed intently for God to remove the thoughts and I called a friend who identifies. He was available and said that he had been thinking about me. We talked about a lot of things and in the end he said that I helped him realize that he needed to take sex inventory in his evening review. In this moment I realized that I need to also.

Tonight I was lustful about my chemo-erotic exploits in my past.
I over valued my desires over God's will.
I was not trusting enough of God to provide me the satisfaction and joy that is in His plan.
I could have turned my heart and desires over to God more completely and immediately when this started to happen.
I could have been more aware that I was fantasizing and entertaining thoughts and turned them off quicker and more willingly.
I was not as clear as I should be about my powerlessness.
I did not believe to the extent that I should that God would restore me to sanity.
Thanks be to God that he did.

This morning I thought some about starting the practice of meditation. Some initials objectives are:
Developing the practice just by dedicating the time
Developing mental focus and centric thinking
Developing a spiritual connection

Today I considered my children's participation in halloween.

At noon we read again about step 12.

We had our last baseball practice tonight.

The new guy at work was talking to another about his christisn music today and I watched the other pull away.

I need to make amends to my wife about griping at her about spending money on the kids costumes.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought some more about my brother and it taught me about myself. When I surrendered and became compliant it allowed for the light of truth to get a foothold. When I became open-minded it allowed for willingness to begin to grow.

I got to go to the noon meeting.

Today I feel as if I do not get a chance to be thorough at anything. Strangely enough I didn't realize that I feel this way until this moment. I have become more acustomed to this and less disturbed by it. I still need to consider it problematic enough to ask God to remove it.

Tonight I had the opportunity to be systematic in punishing my son for something he did wrong rather than getting emotional about it.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my oldest son didn't wake up in time so I got to go to church with the middle one only. It was good for both of us as I got to give him some focused attention.

I thought again about what my brother talked to me about and thought that if there were something I could say to him would be to consider the scenarion of his experience and that it could be applied to other areas of life like physical care.

Today I had to do a review of yesterday as I didn't do it for last night.

This afternoon I had a wierd headache and took a long restless nap. I had a visitation from an evil entity in a nightmare. I don't recall the circumstances but there was another dream preceding that of encountering a thief in a truck backed up to my garage.

I woke up feeling remorseful about wasting time sleeping. But I woke up amd got a lot of home maintenance done and recovered a sense of accomplishment for the day.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

This Saturday I got the kids going in the morning with breakfast and I remembered again to select the religious cahnnels for Saturday morning kid's programming. At noon we had a baseball game and Barbeque afterward. We played the team that won the chanpionship in the spring. It was interesting to compare the difference in the way the inequity was handled differently.

My brother joined us for the game and came to my house afterward. He helped me with a problem that I had with my truck. While my truck problem presennts a huge issue that I need to overcome financially, logistically, and emotionally. It presented an opportunity for us to spend some time set apart together. My son shadowed us the whole time.

My brother has some difficult health problems that he spoke to me about. And he has had some vocational difficulties also. As he told me about them he culminated by telling me that he hit a breakpoint where he surrendered his will and that some good fortune came after. He totally caught me off guard by saying that he got help from "the man upstairs".

This Saturday I got the kids going in the morning with breakfast and I remembered again to select the religious cahnnels for Saturday morning kid's programming. At noon we had a baseball game and Barbeque afterward. We played the team that won the chanpionship in the spring. It was interesting to compare The difference in the way the inequity was handled differently.

My brother joined us for the game and came to my house afterward. He helped me with a problem that I had with my truck. While my truck problem presennts a huge issue that I need to overcome financially, logistically, and emotionally. It presented an opportunity for us to spend some time set apart together. My son shadowed us the whole time.

My brother has some difficult health problems that he spoke to me about. And he has had some vocational difficulties also. As he told me about them he culminated by telling me that he hit a breakpoint where he surrendered his will and that some good fortune came after. He totally caught me off guard by saying that he got help from "the man upstairs".

At that point in the day I was very fatigued and I didn't have anything to say to edify his experience. I regretted this afterward but it was probably as it needed (was intended) to be. He has a brand new truck and I thought about the contradiction of him in this pwerful vehicle yet in one of the most vulnerable states that I have seen him.

My wife worked in the evening. I had prepared myself mentally but still found myself experiencing a sense of dread over the prospect of house chairing alone. My parents surprised us around bathtime and we all had a great time watching the ballgame.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday we had a couple of long meetings at work. During these meetings some of the things that I was worried about came up. But much o the extenuating circumstances and the lack of execution of my other team members also came up. Also much of the way that i handled difficult situations well also came to light and at the end of the day I felt soe closure and reassurance.

Thanks be to God.

This evening I went to our Book Study Meeting and we read "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me". I looked at the differences again in this story and the previous and I noted that the on ething in common was "How they drank" not "how much" or "how long" they drank.

Amen

This morning I was interrupted from praying and had to stop myself from leaving for work without doing so. I stopped, put back my seat, set aside the time, and prayed in my truck in the driveway.

I looked up principles to live by.

I thought of thresholds of willingness related to depth of belief.

I got to go to the noon meeting and read about step 2.

I got a haircut from a lady with a corpus necklass.

The kids are crying and I am tired.

I love the life God has given me, thanks be to God.

I started my day with the scripture readings about following the spirit and not the law.

I had another mistake at work jump up and bite me today. This is really putting me to the test. The mistake was because I deviate from the process. I remembered how when I was a quality systems auditor I realized that even the best people cannot follow the letter of the law 100%.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. The story tellers many attempts at getting her life manageable reminded me about my own attempts. I especially related to how she drank when times were good.

I remembered going to jail several times and resolving to get sober but drinking immediately when I got out. I remember that when I got out of treatment and worked the steps I did not drink.

I thought about how step 2 that we read in the twelve and twelve is laid out in concise paragraphs.

I thought about trying to lay out what my principles of living are again in secular terms.

I had a service call that I need to return.

I need to update the area website.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I got resentful that I got interrupted by my kids and then my wife while trying to do my evening review.

This morning I heard and then read about repetetive praying. I was grateful for this revelation and opportunity to sort out the teaching on this.

I also thought some about taking inventory in my head. This is a bad place to take it because that is where rationalization takes place. That is where the magic happens. This is where my mind plays slight of hand with the truth. I have to remember that my mind has a mind of it's own. It is looking out for my best interests... at any costs, especially the truth.

When I take inventory in black and white I have a better chance of seeing the truth. Better yet, when I get someone else to review my inventory I get to hear the truth from an someone who is not influenced by the voices in my head.

At noon I went to the meeting. I got to read about Tradition One. I apprehended some insights about the parallels with step three but it was later this evening that I really got the simple truth about the tradition. The parallel is with the first part of the first step, "We admitted...", unity is the primary actuator of the power of recovery. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts. Unity of purpose must supercede individual ambition.

Today I realized that I made a major mistake and was very fearful about it. I had to revisit the inventory that I previously did about it and seek dilligently to place my reliance upon God.

Tonight the family and I had a nice evening and I got to do my evening review undisturbed.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had some thoughts and ideas that I wanted to write about. I tried just now to lock myself in my room and meditate but all the kids came in

Today after the noon meeting I got to talk to a friend who needed to talk. I got to do my little 12th step part for the day.

This evening I was exhaus

This morning we made it to mass on time with little stress again despite the fact that I woke up late. I was worried about the boys and I dressing a little too casual. One of the priests greeted us at the door and he told me that I was a good father for bringing my sons to church faithfully.

We had an active fun day, I was pleased that the kids played with their friends outside all day instead of just being stuck inside.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a short but intense using dream. In the dream I remember a lot of the preparation steps and anticipation of the high but I couldn't get the drugs in my system. Then my dream jumped to a scene of pornography and homo erotic sex. It was as if I was suddenly back in one of those short periods where I was in an intense rush and completely engrossed in lust and uninhibited sexual activity.

As I drifted in and out of sleep I struggled with the desire to use. As I began my morning prayers I felt like I needed to talk to someone about this and teh only person I could think of was a woman in the fellowship who I probably shouldn't talk to about it.

Thankfully when I woke up and finshed my prayers sanity returned and my desire abated. It is not yet reconciled however.

There are two main and plain things that I can see that may have led up to the spiritual attack in the dream. One, the spiritual service that we are undertaking in the using dream. And, I didn't pray for protection in my dreams last night.

My son and I had a baseball game today.

After the game I got to watch the Longhorns beat the Sooners with my Mom, Dad, Wife, and kids.

I thought a lot about the new format of our meeting.

God please grant me willingness and protect me in my dreams tonight.

This day was Friday.

I had a work meeting at noon and didn't get to go to the 12 step meeting.

At the end of the day I had a meeting with my boss in which he told me that I was doing a lot better and gave me a small raise. He also gave me a lot of encouragement in the possiblility to increase my pay and in the future and direction of the company. On my way home and when I told my wife I tried to really appreciate
this as a great turn of fortune. It hasn't really sunk in until now. My wife ad I both had feelings of disappointment because of our fears and desires to meet our income deficit. But, we both knew that we should be grateful that my job is not in the imminent danger that it was before and there is hope for the future. I feel like the pay I am getting is realistic for my skill level and tenure and if I can just fully appreciate what my employer and what God is doing for me that I can get highly motivated to do better in my company.

In the evening I facilitated the Big Book Study and Group Conscience afterward. Our reading was the personal story "Window of Opportunity". There were many facets of this story that I did not see before. I realized that the "Window of Opportunity" could be seen as a metaphor for the moment of clarity, surrender, and willingness that comes when one hits a bottom. I liked the way that the story teller spoke of a bottom as being when something in your life you lose or are about to lose becomes more important that alcohol. I noted that the reader spoke of several events and circumstances that came together that facilitated his first step and resulted in his first awakening.

After the meeting we had a group conscience to discuss our servant positions and the format of the meeting. The meeting went very well and the group elected to allow me to continuee as a servant and to make a motion. We are going to do a step study.

Thanks be to God for a great Friday and a great life!

I really had to call on God's presence in meditation this morning. My thoughts were immediately all over the place when I woke up. As I prayed I could not focus on the meaning of my prayers and on seeking God's will. I had to empty my self in meditation.

At the noon meeting we read the end of step twelve. My thoughts lead me to the shift from dependence upon the material world and my circumstances for contentment to dependence upon the spiritual life and God reliance for everything.

This evening my wife was very frazzled. I did ok at resisting anger but I reached a breaking point when she did something inexplicable with the baby. I had a short but extremme spike of anger. I immediately let it go and didn't hold it agqainst her. She is sick.

Tonight I watched a program about a guy in a come living in te past. Sometimes I feel like I am living on Mars.

Thanks be to God for my spiritual awakening.

This morning at work I got to have a talk with someone starting a family and needing a little encouragement.

At noon I got to go to the meeting and we read "He Lived Only to Drink". I noted that of all the stories this person seemingly had the least reason to drink. He had security, love, support, friendship, family, strong moral formation, good education, and even a spiritual life. He mentioned a heavily religious upbringing but I didn't notice any complaints about a lack of spirituality or disdain for it. He did describe often feeling shy and uncomfortable but I think this is something even normal people have, I don't think it can be the sole cause of alcoholism.

(note: this could be indicative of some disorder or incomplete spiritual life, but I will give the writer the benefit of a doubt)

The only thing that seemed to indicate his alcoholism was his reaction to it. I took this to be a prime example that just the physical allergy is enough to get alcoholism. Once he started drinking, he quickly progressed to great depravation.

I had a good afternoon and made it home quickly. I was resourceful and accepting about dinner.

Later I got resentful when my wife told me that she was dropping off the kids and running errands. She asked me if I was mad and I lied that I wasn't. It made me angrier that she had to ask me and can never accept that I just need a little time to get over it.

I need to ask for this anger to be removed.

Otherwise we all had a good evening and I am grateful for this day.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a reasonable day at work but I did notice the separation between people. I thought about how fear keeps me from reaching out to make connections and build relationships.

I got to go to the noon meeting. I was a little dissapointed in what I had to share.

This morning I thought again about how my using dream was interrupted by the dream people right as it was about to get started. It was interrupted just before the part where I usually begin to have the obsession. I thought that this had to be the choir of angels intervening a spiritual attack in that realm.

Tonight right before doing this review I remembered a website I was shown some time ago where people blog their drug experiences. I looked it up to see what it said. As I read the descriptions of their experiences I realiaed that this had aroused old feelings within me. Afterward I thought that I should't take this too lightly and just rely on myself to stop thinking about them, especially right before bed. I prayed for God to remove the feelings from me.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. On my way there I contemplated how I had not helped anyone in the past few days. I received this idea that I want to focus more on helping others and less on myself. At that moment in my walk to the church where the meeting is held I remembered to think of God as walking with me having a conversation. I saw an alley and walked down it to be alone with God. I asked him to show me how I can help others more.

I was happy to see a friend their who had not been to our meeting in a while. We read from "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me" again. When it was my turn I had already scanned ahead to the beginning of my paragraph to read and planned what I was going to share about my sponsor and about what alcohol did to me. But when I read the paragraph I was moved to share about my resentments also. I talked about a particular resentment that I rarely go to but I knew it was the right thing to say. Then a guy said he was at his very first meeting and he opened up about his difficulties and related to my experience.

On the walk back from the meeting I ran into a guy at an intersection who I hadn't seen in a long time who is still sober but struggling with unmanagability. Later after the meeting I got a call from a guy in a psych ward who has been deeply depressed. Then I got a call from a guy out of the blue who I hadn't heard from in a long time who is still sober. I was particularly grateful that when he asked me how things are that I had something to say about every part of my life and every member of my family.

On the way to my vehicle I realized that my weekdays are starting to be just as good as my weekend days.

This afternoon I took my youngest daughter out to explore the front yard while everyone else was gone. When they came home a kid from the neighborhood came and played and motivated my son to throw the football like I wanted him to.

Thanks be to God for answering my prayers.

Saturday I went to bed without an evening review.

Sunday morning I had the beginnings of a using dream. Just as the dream was kicking off it was drowned out by a chorus of dream characters.

Sunday morning my boys and I made it to church on time and they behaved fairly decently.

My wife and daughter made it on time and peacefully also. Today was the first time that my daughter ever came back and was able to asay that she did not misbehave. I need to reward her for that.

A neighbor kid came to play and then darted back home suspiciously. I suspected that he might have taken something and I found myself think poorly of him when he came back later. I decided to value people over thinghs and to treat him with the benefitof of a doubt. I resisted thinking badly of him and I experienced a change of heart and really enjoyed seeing him play with my son. We invited him for dinner.

In the afternoon we watched the beginning of a ball game but I oculd not just sit and watch it selfishly. I took the kids all outside to play while I sanded their wooden playset swinghorse.

In the evening I got inexplicably exhausetd and retired early. I realize that I still had a cold and we had two ball games this weekend.

Today was a very busy morning in which I was buried in my work. Bt at noon I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a much needed interlude.

We read from the personal story "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me. We read several paragraphs about a low bottom alcoholic. I observed the stark contrast with the previous story, "Window of Opportunity". I thought about the diverse and extremely variant backgrounds of people who have alcoholism. I thought about how they only have two common threads, the presence of the disease, and the spiritual malady.

I thought about how people come to recovery at various stages in the progression. I thought about how the disease is not limited to those with previous disorder but also affects those with succesful lives. Likewise, recovery is not limited to those who have not progressed beyond all hope, but even the worst low bottom cases can find recovery.

I thought about the alcoholism spectrum. About how people have varied symptoms to different extremes. I think we have a tendency to set the bar for alcoholism too high. I think the measure simply has to be whether or not it affects our lives and whether or not we can leave it alone.

Tonight my son and I had a baseball game and I forgot to open the meeting house and I forgot to call someone and make sure they knew I would not be there to open.

We had a great game and my Dad took us out to eat afterward.

Thanks be to God for a Spiritual Awakening.