Tonight I got frustrated just as the kids were going to bed. I was very disappointed in myself. I feel like I fell short right at the finish line of the day.

I got to go to a meeting today. A guy in the meeting said something helpful to me in the middle of a long rambling share. He said that he he prays and meditates in the morning and he does a review at night. I needed to hear that.

I watched a beautiful dust storm blow in over the hills this morning.
I took a brisk walk in the sunshine with no coat at noon.
I played and won a good game of table tennis on my break.
I found some initiative and creativity to start a new help document.
I helped my wife by cooking dinner this evening while she took a much needed nap.
I didn't complain about the state of the and I was able to get it cleaned up.
I put a log in the fireplace tonight and the kids were enthralled with the flame.

There is a lot to be grateful for today.

Last night I didn't do an evening review. Last night I had a long dream that I was doing speed. I have vague impressions from the dream but I have the sense that these feelings were running for long periods of time. Just as long as they would be in real life. In the dream I went for at least 8 hours of using. I was repeatedly doing large amounts of crank. I was engaged in sexual acts that I don't rememer for the entire time. I got to the point where I was deeply intoxicated but it was all no longer working and had gotten very sloppy and terrifying.

I had another dream later that I had 2 beers. I found myself drinking the first beer accidentally but realized it and thought of stopping for my sobriety. As I pondered the thought of how I didn't really have to change my sobriety date because I could drink 2 beers before I actually got drunk, I found myself drinking the last sip of the second beer and I knew it was too late.

Once again I didn't do the evening review and the result was immediate. I would like to think that "every night" is to restrictive, or that writing is too dependent on works and not the power. But I am being convinced that this is not true. That the nature of my obsession is so severe that the works are absolutely essential to access that power and not doing so is fatal.

Today I went to the noon meeting. We started the story "Gutter Bravado" I noticed that in this meeting there was no childhood dysfunction. There was no childhood abuse or tragedy. There was no deprivation or poverty. The story teller had a spiritual upbringing. Yet he still becam an alcoholic.

I wrote the following thoughts on this:

No respector of background. Both the good and the bad get it. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.

I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling until I address powerlessness first.

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I got a call from a friend in the program this afternoon. He doesn't call me often and is not my sponsee but he called me to work the program. He has more sobriety than me but just needed a sober brother to talk over a piece of inventory. I didn't have any special knowledge for him but it was just what we both needed to hear.

Tonight I got angry at my wife...
for holding me hostage in a discussion.
My ambitions were threatened.
I was inconsiderate to her for cutting her off...AGAIN.
I did not rely on God to handle the outcome.
I was not surrendered.
I forgot that I am powerless over anger and cannot manage my plans.
I need God's help.
I forgot that anger is 100% fatal to me and blocks me from power.

Last night and tonight I had a blast listening to cheesy old school rap and break dancing with the kids and my wife.

Today and yesterday t work I was full of ideas and inspration.

Tonight I am grateful to be sober and engaged with the spirit.

Last night I didn't write my review for some reason that I don't recall. In going back through my day yesterday I remember that I got to see the readings of the mass and sermon before going to mass for which I was grateful because I often am too distracted with the kids or can't hear over a crying baby during the readings of the actual mass.

After Church I was able to function somewaht but had another physically depressed day. It was a day where I just felt like I needed to sleep all day. I felt like I have to attend to children so much that I feel drained of any inner motivation.

I had to get myself up and get going and not let it get me down. I got some things donw although I don't reall what and late in the afternoon my son and I practiced baseball. He hit the ball very well today and followed directions better than usual.
I ended the day on a high note.

There was more to that day, especially in my thought life. I wish I could remeber it.

Today I had a moment again where I felt revulsion well up as someone nearby spoke disparagingly about televangelists. I had to catch myself and I wondered why I felt so defensive. Somehow I am too invested in what other people think or say about anything even remotely spiritual or religious. I need to develop a better sense of detachment from the opinions of others on these matters. In thinking about what was said I realized that I can relate to where this persons feelings come from. I don't like people who preach the prosperity gospel either. I must be able to engage this type of hostility with understanding first and then be able to communicate on these matters in an informed way that isn't obscured by emotionalism.

I wasn't part of the conversation so it doesn't matter. But I will be in the future so I need to think about what I should say. I don't like hypocritical televangelists either. But not all of them are dishonest or heretical. Take Billy Graham for instance. And saying that every religious person on TV or not wants to take your money is like saying every politician wants to take your money. I still believe there are or have been some good political leaders and I still believe government is a useful and necessary thing.

I also reembered that I have some of the same feelings around religious people. Sometimes they say things in their religious language that comes from a dogma that I don't necessary agree with or feel is helpful. I am speaking here of Born Again Evangelical Protestant language that in ways refers to sola fide, sola scriptura, etc... I feel sometimes that I go along with things for the sake of approval because I can't handle not being in agreement without emotional reaction.

I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a good meeting and afterward a guy stopped me and wanted to talk. He seemed to want to talk about his dilemmas. He also mentioned that he felt that I was doing well. In talking to him I beleive I tried to give him advice to work the program. I'm not sure if I should have done that. Maybe I should have just given him encouragement.

I ran into an older lady from the meeting who was walking slower down the sidewalk than me. I said hi and she started talking and walked with me. I felt like I got to know her as a person, we made a connection. As we were walking we saw a guy named Chrlie who sometimes goes to the meeting outside of his job and he offered a handshake as we passed by. It was a moment of connection also even though he wasn't in the meeting today and we couldn't stop and talk. As we approached my building we saw another guy from the meeting and we exchanged an anonymous glance, it was another connection. The walk back seemed in dream slow motion echo mode. The lady gave me an AA hug in front of my building and thanked me for talking and wished me a good day.

It was a good day.

Tonight I laid in bed with my sick daughter and gave her comfort. I got afraid of losing sleep and I got angry with my wife later when the littlest baby started crying and she didn't come get her. I had to make amends to her for getting angry. I am thankful for my program which keeps me from messing up a good day.

This morning I remembered the scripture reading from the conversion of Saint Paul from yesterday. I remembered the part where he said that scales fell from his eyes. I remembered how Bill W. said that scales of pride and prejudice fell from his eyes. I connected this with the Big Book reading last night where I could not see any relevance in the chapter and my eyes were opened to what I could not see.

Today at noon I got to take a ride with my oldest son and register him for baseball. This afternoon I got to spend some time outside with the kids and we practiced baseball.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and hear Ms. Dot tell her story. I was amazed to learn that she got sober in CA in 1985. She had a message that moved us all. Toward the end she told a poem that she wrote on the eve of her sobriety. The poem was so inspiring that I had a vision of her as a powerful angel with wings.

After the meeting I met with a new guy who is just like me in a lot of ways and he seems very willing. I hope and pray that he gets it for his family and himself but also because I hope to make a new friend.

Tonight I went to a meeting and we read To The Employer. As we read it I questioned the need for it, the motive for writing it, and what it really has to offer.

I have never really felt that the chapter had much substance. After reading it I felt like most of what it has could be found in other places. I felt like the parts that were helpful material were more helpful to the us alcoholics than the employer.

I also questioned whether this chapter and the chapters to the family and to wives were attempts by the founders or Bill W. to tell others how to treat us. After all that would be consistent with what we do when we look for a solution by trying to manage how others.

The first page tell stories of several of his employees that died from the disease.

These pages also tell of how the person who saw this happen to his employees became an alcoholic himself.

There is a part where advice is given about how to qualify an alcoholic.

There is a lot of description of the disease or alcoholic behavior that is better stated in other parts of the book.

The story teller states how he is only 3 years sober, yet he is giving advice on hoe to treat the alcoholic.

One of my original thoughts was that the writers wrote more inspired material when writing about himself and taking responsibility for his disease.

I talked to my sponsor after the meeting and he pointed out a few things.

The perspective that these chapters provide us with material about ourselves is helpful, so this chapter gives us a little about the disease in general and about our employment.

There is a part about how resentment, fear, jealousy that come up in our jobs is dnagerous for us.

He also pointed out some helpful advice to employers about setting boundaries and acceptance of employment on smaller scale.

I may be on to something but I found more out of the chapter than I had previously seen.

Tonight I was gripy at my wife when she interrupted me. I owe her an amends, I think I'll go give her some now.

This morning I was afraid. I was afraid of how we will make it financially.

At noon I got to go to a meeting. The topic was the end of step 8 and the beginning of tradition 8 in the 12 x 12. These were tough topics to share on and several of our group passed or shared on where they are at today and their experience doing step 8. The reading was helpful because I got to see the core value of the step to repair the deep wounds in our subconscious that cannot be healed any other way than to make restitution once and for all. Or at least to make an effort to change our ways.

I shared about how this is part of the process of repairing the damage to the part of my psyche that is connected to the power that will restore me to sanity. This is like te initial disaster relief and the beginning of the long term rebuilding process.

I also wanted to share about how my experience with tradition 8 about how I once heard a guy tell his story and I almost got the willingness to commit to recovery but I felt like the only reason he could do this unreasonable program was because he worked at a treatment center and they let him take time out of his workday to do it.

I am grateful that I didn't go to work at a treatment center because I can say that this program can be done in real life.

This morning I was at work and I was still resentful about not getting adequate and focus for prayer, meditation and inventory due to my family responsibilities and life obstacles. A friend called me at work and I decided to take his call just to arrange a callback. He was in a very talkative mood and began to tell me about his prayer and meditation and scripture reading. He told me about how inspired he was and indicated he had spent a fair amount of time on it.

As I listened I felt my resentment grow. I thought about how his kids are older and he has more time and it just aggravated me more. I started blaming my kids that I don't have time.

At that time I asked God to remove my anger and almost simultaneously had the thought that I have a selfish expectation for prayer and meditation. I have to be responsible for making this happen but when God deems otherwise I must pray and strive for acceptance. I must resist fault-finding and resentment.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a great meeting and I got to share from an informed perspective at the end.

At work a couple of the guys have started to ask me where I go at lunch. I'm not sure whether I should tell them or not. For now I simply said that I visit a friend who works in the area.

Tonight I went to the evening meeting for an emergency group conscience to move the meeting to friday. I will now be able to serve the group again.

At the regular meeting we read the last three pages of The Family Afterwards. There was a variety of material to share on I was surprised at how much I didn't realize these pages held. But the sharing got focused on taking meds in recovery. Some poor folks rationalized taking meds. Some were just sharing they take them and they are inexperienced with how to discern whether or not to take them. Some folks with time in recovery shared that taking meds in recovery is not good sobriety.

I thought that there was a lot more better material to share on. I didn't get to share because the last three went too long.

It also occured to me that we can be self-righteous in this type of perspective just as we can with religion. That we may be speaking about what is right but with the wrong attitude it can drive away rather than attract. Not that we need to sugar coat the truth but we could do better at being objective.

Tonight I found myself angry at my circumstances and blaming my wife. I was angry that I wouldn't be able to do my eveing review for the 3rd night in a row because she went to her meeting.
- selfish
- inconsiderate
- resentful
> I am afraid that I will lose my momentum in writing every night.
> I'm afraid that design for doing my review every night is threatened

Last night i had vivid dreams of drinking, using and being attacked by various animals. One dream was particularly long and I spent a lot of time planning and anticipating using. I was amazed at how quickly my obsession starts to work when I don't work the full extent of the program. Right now I feel that I don't spend enough focus in prayer in the morning and enough time in review at night.

Still I don't feel like I am angry out of fear of using but rather because my wife is not doing things my way.

Both of these points are sure signs that I am squarely in self will.

right now the baby is screaming and my oldest is acting like an animal.

Once aga...

Today my truck broke down on the way to the area meeting. I am worried about being without it and how much it will cost. Fortunately we had roadside assistance coverage and I didn't have to pay to get it towed back in.

I had to accept things when it happened and the guys riding with me helped me to do that. They just called someone else and kept their mission to be of service. They also helped me by taking my report to the meeting.

This afternoon I realized that our mechanic will probably not make us pay for the repair all at once and that I will have a new engine probably.

I was mostly greatful that God blessed me with a great deal of acceptance.

Tonight someone called me and asked if I was going to the meeting and I discovered that I hadn't even thought about it. I was just despondent enough to be distracted. Christie encouraged me to go so I did. It was just the meeting I needed to go to. The topic was about dependance on material security. The reading centered on humility and acceptance.

While I was waiting for the tow truck I pulled out the laptop an did some writing. Suddenly the long wait did not seem long enough. My reality shifted.

I think I should drive to the country and park and pray and write more often.

Today was very busy but I continued to feel like I am progressing in the learnin gcurve of my job. At times I felt exasperated with customers who expect me to have all the answers whe all the answers are available to them i they would just look.
- inconsiderate, selfish, resentful

I heard a conversation where God was tossed in irreverantly and i felt myself get resentful and afraid that I should fix it. Later I had a small voice that said that Jesus loves the downtrodden because they are humble and willing. But the proud man's heart is too hard to be open minded.

The Spiritual Experience for me was like having my programming rewritten to become attuned to the directives of the Universe.

Sobriety was the reason I became willing but what I received was the key to the greatest life I could imagine.

The steps were like quantum shifts that combined to form the greater experience. The quanta sometimes came suddenly, the greater experience came over a longer period of time.

In the first step i had an awakening to the truth. I experienced total acceptance of my condition. The walls of denial and delusion were smashed.

In step 2 I experienced a reversal of paradigms in which reason became the construction of faith not the antithesis to it. It suddenly made more sense to believe than not to.

In step 3 I experienced power for the first time, power that removed the obsession to use.

Steps 4 through 9 got me reconnected to the stream of life and power began to flow through me.

Steps 10, 11 and 12 are where i experience growth and regeneration of the experience.

The experience happened in waves but is also something I must to keep active. It is "vital" in both the sense of "critical" and the sense of "alive".

My experience continues to be re-vitalized. Sometimes there's banging and heat and sparks fly, and clouds explode. It doesn't feel good while I'm being re-forged. But when I get through it is something new and entirely more effective.

Today I feel like God has given me everything I need, power, peace of mind and a sense of purpose. With that have come a wife, beautiful kids, great friends, and a good livelihood. The circumstances in my life are often difficult but my relationships and my acceptance are wonderful.

Oh yeah, and I don't have to shoot dope today.

Today I meditated some more on the early parts of our stories. I had a eureka moment but I forgot it. It may have been the thing I forgot the other day. I will try to map out the thought again.

The early parts of our stories that were dysfunctional may point out the spiritual malady was there before drinking therefore may be important. Perhaps this a good reason to discuss this.

Our early problems may have given us a spiritual malady but we can't go back and change them. We have to address our malady from where we are at today in the end not the beginnng. Focusing on the beginning or the cause is just a distraction from the reality of today. We don't treat the circumstances or cause, we treat the end result, the malady.

We don't even need bad circumstances to have a spiritual malady, just something between us and God. This can be something bad or too much of something good, or just an absence of a spiritual life.

We all want to look at the circumstances and glorify them as the cause. perhaps this is because it is a distraction from looking at the absence of God in our lives. If we look at the absence of God more as the problem then this would make the connection to God More important.

Perhaps I should develop my story around this idea. I should show how there was this time when all was right in the world, all was complete, all was love. Then my faith in the divine changed and people, places and things became more important than God. That's where it all started and that IS what is connected to where I am today.

Today the new guy started at work. He seems like someone I've known before and I think he's going to do great despite my initial impression of him.

I started to journal my day and I realized that my thinking is on my circumstances rather than on my spirituality.

Today in my spiritual life I thought about the other day when I didn't find a way to stand up for the truth.

Today at the meeting I tried to listen to people and connect with them and to try not to teach but to support.

Tonight I tried to show love to my children and my wife not just do work at home.

I danced with my little girl.

I made kisses with my wife to the kids and we all laughed.

I spoke to a friend about his struggles while my baby cried but we stuck with it til he was done.

I spent time alone with God this morning, I felt his centeredness all day.

Today has been one long meditation.

I woke up dreaming the song "Were you There". I listened to folk spiritual music all day.

I thought about the design inventory.

I thought about Faith and Reason.

I was very busy at work.

I got to talk to several people on the spiritual path.

I worked on my servant report tonight.

This morning at work I overheard the guys talking. The conversation started about the absurdity of people believing in creature myths like the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot. The conversation progressed with people talking about lack of proof with technology, gullibility of weak minds and childish blind faith. The atheist of the group then said that they were right up there with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Jesus. I found myself offended and provoked to interject but it didn't feel right. Mostly because I wasn't part of the conversation and I was very busy at the time, bit was also an intuition. I questioned myself and wondered if I was just afraid. As the conversation ended a guy who doesn't normally claim atheism said yeah me too, meaning he didn't believe in God. I saw how atheism seduces others down the path to perdition. Later I prayed about it, I felt as if an inner voice was telling me "not now but the time will come".

Earlier I had been thinking about willingness to believe and atheism. I thought about how I once figured that even if I don't have 100% certain proof of a deity, I just have to "believe" it for it to work. It's the 100% belief that might be the power of the Spiritual Experience. At least that is a beginning while I seek a connection with that Power that will prove Itself.

Earlier I was also thinking about the process of self examination and moral inventory. I didn't like the idea of Moral Inventory because it sounded to much like judgement. That is it sounded like judgement against someone else's repressive ideals. Then I thought of it a different way. I thought about it as a "design" inventory. How well am I functioning to my design? Design doesn't have to imply a creator, just a pattern that replicates. The design code is the quality standard. Inventory is quality control. I am designed to operate within control limits, but I will drift out of control without daily maintenance.

I got to go to a meeting at lunch time. The reading was synchronous with the Daily Reflection about sobriety is not enough that we must address the unmanageability o our life. About how deluded we were in thinking our life was ok until we sobered up and looked around.

In the afternoon I found that the forum I manage had been spammed with porn. I opened a post and had to quickly turn away. I had to go back in and delete it and others. It was like being exposed to crack smoke, I ha to resist breathing it in. I managed not to stare at it or file anything away in the mental image gallery.

Tonight I called an accountability partner and shared it.

I am grateful for this day.

This morning I had some more thoughts about the difficulty with early acceptance. When I sobered up and had to face the difficult circumstances of my life I found the necessary willingness to work the program, so long as I accepted that the problems were because of my unmanageability. When I very despondent after relapse I was able to turn that feeling into the bottom that prompted my surrender.

The good news about the pain of early recovery is that it is the catalyst for surrender and willingness. The worse you feel the better your chances.

Today's Daily Reflection gave me another thought. The steps restore me to sanity in two ways; the remove the obsession to drink, they restore my perception of reality and they restore my peace of mind. I find happiness again.

It was a good day except that the Cowboys lost.

Life is good.

This morning we got off to a good start, I finally had a morning where I didn't feel like I was very behind on home maintenance. There wasn't a pile of dishes to greet me on Saturday morning.

I was able to get out and continue my mid-winter leaf raking project, at mid-morning I took a break and dozed off. It was just a short nap and at noon we did lunch and I had some additional chores. Then in the afternoon I took another nap.

This afternoon I got to talk on the phone to five friends in the fellowship. At times it was hard because I was taking care of the baby and she was crying. But I was able to tune it out and mentally multitask better than before. We got to talk over step work, service, events, family, fishing, football, friendship and the spiritual life.

My wife and I troubleshooted our broken driver and between my mechanical experience and her electronic experience we saved a $200 service call and just need a $10 part.

It occurred to me that I've gained a good degree of acceptance of the amount of energy and time I have for home maintenance. I didn't feel depressed about sleeping too much and each nap was very short and re-freshing. After the second nap I got very busy and got a lot done. It's just the way things are now, I have 3 kids in diapers and Saturday I have to rest from the long week.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. The topic was "we are not glum lot". Several people shared about having fun in sobriety, or life is good, or I'm still crazy but not as crazy as they used to be.

Two women shared that life is sucking right now and their not feeling it. Both women are just coming back from using. Both have their kids, and still have their livelihood, but both have problems like we all do.

I thought it was all very synchronous again with the meeting last night and the meeting tonight and especially with the Daily Reflection. Today's reflection was about Daily Acceptance. I thought about how I had to "practice" acceptance alot in the beginning. But later acceptance began to come to me in a way I had never experienced before, and it just grew from there. Today I don't have to practice it so much as it just comes, like this morning when I didn't find myself discontent about what I can't get done.

I shared some of this and about how this life now is like my life was back when it worked and a funny story from my using, but I wish I would have said something more.

My acceptance can go away the minute that I quit doing the work. That when things get good and I begin to let life maintenance edge out my spiritual work that I became discontent again. This is what happened when I was relapsing. I HAVE to put First Things First! Acceptance comes from God, I have to "practice" being connected to God and I get spiritual grace.

My sponsor said that an old timer once told him that he felt just like he should feel coming off a relapse, and with that he found acceptance and freedom even though he still felt terrible.

Tonight I feel just like I should feel at 4 years sober with a spiritual life...

Life is good!

Today I was grateful for my job and for my family.

My mom treated us to dinner with my neices. While I was there I saw someone from the fellowship sit down by himself to eat. I thought about how lucky I was to have a family and I thought how lonely it must be for him who does not. I finished my meal and I went over to see him. He invited me to sit down. He asked me where we know each other from and I told him how he made an impression on me in my early sobriety. He was from my old neighborhood and he knew some of the same people as me. As a matter of fact it was the family of the restaurant we were in that we had in common. I thought it was synchronous.

He was very thankful that I took the time to sit and talk. I was thankful he asked me to sit and talk.

Tonight I thought about staying home and doing things that need to be done here, but I went to our meeting. The topic was how we must persevere in or spiritual activities even though the family may sometimes feel like they should come first.

Put first things first.

I thought it was synchronous.

It just dawned on me that wishful thinking is a form of self will run riot.

I got to speak at family night tonight. My wife did the best she's ever done. The counselors gave me some nice support afterward. I saw how this is even awkward for them when they have to speak up so I didn't feel bad about not being perfect.

I thought how maybe when I do these things I can reach out afterward to those who would like to talk but are too humble to approach the speaker.

I could do better but I'm ok with how I do now.

I was talking to a friend tonight and he mentioned that he discovered that some childhood trauma affected his sex relations. He found this out in the SLAA rooms at 22 mos. sober. This brought up my stream of thought about our traumatic past. He concurred with me that this is not a valid obstacle to working the program and making progress. He said that the process is actually necessary to get to a point to where outside help s useful and even that the process alone is sufficient to find peace of mind in God's time.

It occurred to me that the model might be that after our spirit has been stabilized and achieved some growth that then work on these traumatic events may just make it possible to achieve a fuller serenity.

This got me thinking, what is that state of "nirvana" if you will. I suppose it is the opposite of an unmanageable life. But the term "manageable" doesn't apply either. I supposeded it would be a "peaceful" or peace of mind life or...

Then it occurred to me, an inspired life.

That my personal inventory would be less about my shortcomings but more on the plane of inspiration.

Tomorrow we speak at the treatment center. I will look back to the last time we spoke for inspiration.

I got to go to a meeting at noon, the topict was step 6. I had the following thoughts about this step:

Entirely ready: to fully accept that my defective thinking is harmful.
To have God remove: I don't change by trying real hard, I ask God to remove them by his power.

Normies can just start with a list of character defects and strive to do better.
We have an excessive problem with perspective unmanageability so we can't see them at first.
We also suffer from powerlessness over them.
When we do an overhaul inventory we see them.
But we can't just act better by effort.
We have to focus on accessing power.
So we become entirely ready and we ask God for willingness.

Other thoughts about something else...
We do self examination.
We need to get to the core problem, to deconstruct self.

Today I also thought about the issue of blaming psychological issues particularly childhood trauma.

I have seen this misdirection in 3 forms:
1. I drink (or use) because of what happened to me when...
2. I have these character defects because of what happened to me when...
3. Because of what happened to me when... I can't trust God.

These statements are all true. But the cause is not the problem, the disorder is the problem.

It doesn't matter of I was born alcoholic or if I drank my way to be an alcoholic, the disease is still the same, I have a disorder, a mental obsession. The treatment is still the same, a spiritual experience.

The same can be said for my emotional sobriety, it doesn't matter if my life got unmanageable because of something that happened to me or because of a mental disorder or because of my drinking. I have a disorder of emotional control, I have obsessions that can be treated by a spiritual experience.

In either case I am not cured but have a reprieve. I might need more treatment for my traumatic issues but it should not prevent me from being free from the need for mind altering substances and from emotional insanity.

By the process of continual self examination and de-construction of self I can find peace and serenity to get through the time it may take for substantial healing. This process brings about emotional control on a daily basis.

The removal of character defects may come in degrees. Psychological healing and substantial re-formation may be long-term but also can be brought about simply by th e process,

Today I got angry and said a terrible thing. I said thayt it was stupid that I had this many kids. In doing so I insulted my wife, my kids, and worst of all... God.

Right before I said it I heard a ringing in my ears. I thought for a moment that God was trying to help me not to say it. But I did anyway. For this I am truly sorry.

I have a really great life and I thank God for it. My kids are the greatest joy in my life and I truly love them with all my heart. As I was kissing the littlest one tonight, I thought that I don't deserve them. I thought that if I don't strive to resist my self-centeredness then I will lose them. If I lost them, I would wish to oblivion that I could have them back.

Some people don't get so lucky. How many of them would give anything to trade places with me?

God, I am tuly sorry please forgive me.

Later Note: Last night I woke up from a nightmare that something, a head that I couldn't see, was trying to bite me at my waist. I was desperately fighting it off and then I woke up in the dream. But I woke up in a different house. Then I desperately realized that I was still in teh dream. The head came back and this time instead of waking up, the entity grew and cover me and was trying to devour me. I shook writhed tryin gto wake up my wife and I finally yelled loud enough to get her attention and she woke me up.

In the morning my son woke me up as usual except that he was frightened. He said that he looked over the edge of the bed and there was a dark figure there. He said it was a black head.

It is Tuesday morning and I wanted to write this because I think it is related to the spriritual event that happened yesterday.

I also wanted to remember that my wife woke up last night in a nightmare screaming about what was on the ceiling. She said it was a figure doing jumping jacks.

This morning I realized that yesterday had something in common with the day I threw a toy through the window. I had a chance to pause when agitated and I didn't.

Tonight I find myself irritable, tired and discontent. I am grateful for my life but I am not showing it. I love my kids but right now I just feel the fatigue of their naintenance.

I prayed for God's will to be done and I received a thought that I can start over with them as soon as I finish this mediatation.

We made it to Church on time today and we practiced baseball again. I am in a great deal of financial fear but i still trust that God will come through in the eleventh hour.

I had some thoughts of spiritual matters today but I don't recall what they were.

This morning I got to sleep in until 8:00. I fed the kids, we had a good morning and I was able to do some cleaning. I was able to do some service work on the area website at mid morning and I got to speak to a guy in the fellowship. After that I got to do some much needed yardwork.

I came in for a late lunch and got resentful when I had to make lunch for the kids. I felt guilty right away as the thought came to mind that my wife got stuck alone with the kids last night.

I took a nap after lunch then got up in the afternoon and did some more yardwork. I ended up doing baseball practice with my son. I spent a lot of time in the backyard with my kids. I got to talk to my son about the importance of getting an education and the difference between a good job and a bad one.

Tonight I went to a Citywide Birthday Night. Several people got chips for years including 26, 10, and 7. There were also several 4's, 3's, 2's and 1's. One lady read an inspirational poem by The "Little Flower", Mother Theresa. A girl spoke of being able to go back to school and making the honor society. A guy spoke of hitting an emotional bottom even though everything looked ok on the outside, I thought he was telling my story. Another guy talked about how his car works right, his house is clean and he has money in the bank. He also spoke of making amends to a lady for stealing money from her safe and she asked him to speak at her halfway house. These things gave me hope and encouraged me to keep doing the deal.

I also picked up a chip for multiple years.

I remember the low spot I was at on that day I came back in the rooms. I had been around recovery for 5 years and couldn't stay sober. I didn't want to get another newcomer keytag. I was too ashamed that I was one of those people who just couldn't get it. I waited until I had 29 days and I picked it up so I could get a 30 day keytag the next night. I felt like I was not one of the "winners" a lot those days and like people didn't want to stick with me. One day I had the thought that if I prayed and meditated that day, read out of the big book, had a sponsor, went to a meeting, did service work...that day, that I had done more than 90% of the people in the fellowship. That I was in the top 10% of recovery!

I knew that this thought came from the wrong motive, but I thanked God for the inspiration in that moment of low self esteem and excess ego. You see I realized that I must focus on the principles of the program, "one day at a time". That my sobriety should be measured by the quality of today, not the quantity of years. Not by my feelings or circumstances or material success or what other people think, but on the power that comes when I do the work.

I still try to keep that same focus on the principles today. Today was one of the few times I stand up and say that I have X number of years sober. I would rather say that today I prayed, watched, served, was accountable, and took direction. Today God gave me power, peace, happiness and sense of direction. Today was another "best day of my life".

This morning a guy chewed me out at work. He tore into me about the problems he was having with the service my employer provides. I caught myself beginning to react emotionally to his verbal assault. I was starting to breathe hard, have difficulty thinking and to get angry. I paused and sought power and spiritual focus. I was able to record fairly precisely what he said and to just deflect his verbal blows. After I got him off the phone I asked God for releief and I was able to take the next right action.

Everything turned out ok, my boss was able to resolve it and the guy apologized.

I pray now that I can not just think of myself but to genuinely forgive another human being.

This was the third day of the roughest time of the year at work and I am again grateful for good employment.

I got to go to the noon meeting. As we finished the story we are on I realized that it related to the issue I had been pondering about the more sordid details of my story. The story details a life that started with an abusive childhood and detailed a very low bottom life. We started the next story and it detailed a very different beginning of a great childhood, religious life and success. It did end in a low bottom.

It made me realize that our spiritual sickness is not necessarily because of the bad things that happened to us. So therefore the focus must be on our condition not the circumstantial causes.

We have a physical allergy and a spiritual malady.

The spiritual malady comes from being disconnected from God.

How much we drank, how low we went, what abuse we suffered doesn't matter near as much as the description of the feelings of being spiritually vacant.

Tonight I went to a speaker meeting. I probably wouldn't have gone if I would have remembered it was a speaker. I am grateful that I went. The speaker gives a great face to CA.

She shared a very sordid story with a lot of abuse early in childhood. That didn't matter. What was good was that she balanced what happened, with what it was like and what it is like now. She had a solution to share. Even though she is going through some personal difficulty and was very distracted and she felt like whe was not on top of her game, she did a great job. I can tell that she has better in her, but it didn't matter because she is focused on the principles.

Even when our personality falls short, the principles come through if we are living them.

I had another one of those "WHOA" moments when I ran into another hard core dude from the old hood. He recognized me, we talked and knew some mutual acquaintances but I didn't realize WHO he was until he told me his name. He seemed alot more open minded than I would have expected.

I began to think that it is good for us addicts to hear the hard core stories. I guess the experiences can be categorized in high bottom, hard core and low bottom. I have more than one experience to share.

Today I thought about emotional sobriety. I thought about thinking of emotions as a mind altering substance than a feeling.

I also thought about sharing more on the hopeless feelings rather than the most shocking excesses I went through.

I heard a guy call step 10 the "pay attention" step.

Toay was VERY busy at work again but I thought about how lucky I was that my busiest day at my new job is a walk in the park compared to my last two jobs. I was also grateful at how the last two jobs prepared me for my current job.

Tonight I found myself getting angry about something my wife was doing. I thought about how I needed to stop and pray. I found myself detested by the idea as it brought my blamestorm to a screeching halt. It helped me to think of my emotion as a mind altering substance.

I got to talk to a grasshopper today. He talked to about a lot of things going on in his life mostly good. But he casually referred to how he quit smoking. It really struck me what a miracle it was.

A short time after I prayed for God to take my anger I had a moment of good fortune. This made me think of the idea that good deeds bring good fortune. I thought of how this is a common feeling that most men share even if they don't believe in God. Most people call it good Kharma. I remembered that this was a piece of my coming to believe.

Today was an extremely busy day at work. I was able to persevere in difficult circumstances. At one point a guy told me he didn't like the way I did my job. I prayed for God to save me from being angry. Later we had a difficult conversation and I had to tell him things he didn't like. He got angry and threatened to cancel his account. I got through this ok and didn't feel bad about it much.


This evening I am ready to sleep.

This morning I had to handle all the kids while my wife slept in until 10:30 because she took my son and neice out last night. It was a good morning but I caught myself going from 0 to 90 in anger in frustrated moments. I noticed it was when I had to change directions, or shift my focus or I getting sidetracked from what I was trying to do for some "urgent" matter like a video game not working. Looking back on that I realize that I didn't really pray "God save me from being angry" like I should have, or maybe I did. Whatever the case I see the pattern that there is a resentment hiding just under the surface of my conscious mind.

My ambitions (plans) are what are affected.

When I set my mind to something, anything, even trivial tasks, I am too dependent on following them through sequentially. To the extent that I value them more than the people around me. - Selfish, - Inconsiderate

I should be willing to be more flexible.

I was a little resentful that my wife didn't get up earlier. I focused on being grateful that she did good things for my kids last night. I must remember that even thought this works to some extent it is not the program. I must examine my motives and ask God to help me be willing to release this defect of self righteous judging.

This morning I read and meditated on the Daily Reflection:

I AM A MIRACLE , January 1
The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

This truly is a fact in my life today, and a real miracle. I always believed in God, but could never put that belief meaningfully into my life. Today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I now trust and rely on God, as I understand Him; I am sober today because of that! Learning to trust and rely on God was something I could never have done alone. I now believe in miracles because I am one!

The website listed it related to Step 2. I wondered why this would be in January and not be on Step 1. I thought it must refer to the fact that Step 1 IS "The Miracle". It got me thinking that it must be sort of a transition from Step 12 in December sinc the last focus was on "all our affairs". Perhaps this was to bring us back to our Primary Purpose.

Another perspective might be that a 12th Step well performed always reconnects me with Step 1.

Tonight at a meeting I shared about this.

The meeting got off to a good start with the chairperson reading the format and the "closed meeting" statement and using the Daily Reflections as the topic. Then he went the "short" (10-15 minute) version of his story. It wasn't too bad except that it sounded like a drug addict story until he got to the end where he said he sold drugs to keep up his drinking habit. I still thought it was a singleness of purpose foul.

Then the chairperson called o his friend who just walked in and who didn't know what the topic was. He shared his story awkwardly and tried to talk for the full 5 minutes. The meeting felt like it had derailed.

I raised my hand and tried to bring my share back on what I thought was the topic, the miracle of step one. Not just my story but the idea that God was a Power that performed a miracle in me to restore me to sanity. I didn't do a very good job but I felt like I had done my 12th Step job for the day.

After the meeting I spoke to a guy who looked like he needed someone to talk to and I felt like I should have reached out with contact info to him. I realize now that it was because he was primarily alcoholic.

On my way home I thought more about the reflection and about "The Miracle". I remembered an insight a few weeks back that I'm not sure I wrote about so I want to get my thoughts down.

All my life I never witnessed a tangible Miracle. This was one of the reasons that I didn't have real faith. I believed that there was a God. But I thought this was just for the afterlife. I saw some synchronicities and even had some dreams and possible intuitions. But I never saw water turn into wine. Until I came to AA.

It was this witness that produced the 1st Step Miracle for me. When I heard other alcoholics give a description of their hopeless state of mind and body. When the described the nature of their disease. The light came on for me. I saw that I was medically incurable.

The miracle was that I could now see the truth about myself, The walls of denial and delusion were broken. I found willingness to consider that I needed to get this power in my heart.

They admitted; I admitted.

"We admitted..."