This morning I had to handle all the kids while my wife slept in until 10:30 because she took my son and neice out last night. It was a good morning but I caught myself going from 0 to 90 in anger in frustrated moments. I noticed it was when I had to change directions, or shift my focus or I getting sidetracked from what I was trying to do for some "urgent" matter like a video game not working. Looking back on that I realize that I didn't really pray "God save me from being angry" like I should have, or maybe I did. Whatever the case I see the pattern that there is a resentment hiding just under the surface of my conscious mind.

My ambitions (plans) are what are affected.

When I set my mind to something, anything, even trivial tasks, I am too dependent on following them through sequentially. To the extent that I value them more than the people around me. - Selfish, - Inconsiderate

I should be willing to be more flexible.

I was a little resentful that my wife didn't get up earlier. I focused on being grateful that she did good things for my kids last night. I must remember that even thought this works to some extent it is not the program. I must examine my motives and ask God to help me be willing to release this defect of self righteous judging.

This morning I read and meditated on the Daily Reflection:

I AM A MIRACLE , January 1
The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 25

This truly is a fact in my life today, and a real miracle. I always believed in God, but could never put that belief meaningfully into my life. Today, because of Alcoholics Anonymous, I now trust and rely on God, as I understand Him; I am sober today because of that! Learning to trust and rely on God was something I could never have done alone. I now believe in miracles because I am one!

The website listed it related to Step 2. I wondered why this would be in January and not be on Step 1. I thought it must refer to the fact that Step 1 IS "The Miracle". It got me thinking that it must be sort of a transition from Step 12 in December sinc the last focus was on "all our affairs". Perhaps this was to bring us back to our Primary Purpose.

Another perspective might be that a 12th Step well performed always reconnects me with Step 1.

Tonight at a meeting I shared about this.

The meeting got off to a good start with the chairperson reading the format and the "closed meeting" statement and using the Daily Reflections as the topic. Then he went the "short" (10-15 minute) version of his story. It wasn't too bad except that it sounded like a drug addict story until he got to the end where he said he sold drugs to keep up his drinking habit. I still thought it was a singleness of purpose foul.

Then the chairperson called o his friend who just walked in and who didn't know what the topic was. He shared his story awkwardly and tried to talk for the full 5 minutes. The meeting felt like it had derailed.

I raised my hand and tried to bring my share back on what I thought was the topic, the miracle of step one. Not just my story but the idea that God was a Power that performed a miracle in me to restore me to sanity. I didn't do a very good job but I felt like I had done my 12th Step job for the day.

After the meeting I spoke to a guy who looked like he needed someone to talk to and I felt like I should have reached out with contact info to him. I realize now that it was because he was primarily alcoholic.

On my way home I thought more about the reflection and about "The Miracle". I remembered an insight a few weeks back that I'm not sure I wrote about so I want to get my thoughts down.

All my life I never witnessed a tangible Miracle. This was one of the reasons that I didn't have real faith. I believed that there was a God. But I thought this was just for the afterlife. I saw some synchronicities and even had some dreams and possible intuitions. But I never saw water turn into wine. Until I came to AA.

It was this witness that produced the 1st Step Miracle for me. When I heard other alcoholics give a description of their hopeless state of mind and body. When the described the nature of their disease. The light came on for me. I saw that I was medically incurable.

The miracle was that I could now see the truth about myself, The walls of denial and delusion were broken. I found willingness to consider that I needed to get this power in my heart.

They admitted; I admitted.

"We admitted..."