This morning I was pleased to wake up at a fairly early time.

As I went through the morning I ran across the website of a guy who does life coaching. This got me thinking about opportunities in a career in counseling that I hadn't considered. I went through a brainstorm of thinking about a change of career path. At one point I was ready to make the commitment but had to stop and think through it carefully.

This morning I thought about the concept of rational religion and rational spirituality. I realized that this is what I discovered when I had my spiritual experience. I also thought about how this concept will help me better express my approach to the spiritual life.

It was a beautiful day and I took the kids to the park.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up at 8:00 am and got the kids going by 9:30. I tried not to worry about it.

I wanted to remember the following from the daily scripture readings:

Do not love the world or the things of the world.
If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
For all that is in the world,
sensual lust, enticement for the eyes, and a pretentious life,
is not from the Father but is from the world.
Yet the world and its enticement are passing away.
But whoever does the will of God remains forever.

I also read the following from the chapter of Luke from which the gospel reading was taken:
...when he was twelve years old, they went up according to festival custom. After they had completed its days, as they were returning, the boy Jesus remained behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it.

At mid morning my wife got called in to work. This meant that I was without a vehicle and had to care for the kids all day.

I had the feeling like I was not doing the things that I should be doing and that I was living on borrowed time. However, I tried to be as productive as possible in home projects and cleaning.

After lunch I put the little one down for a nap and took the two tots out to the circle for bike riding.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting at the AA club in my old neighborhood. This club has a reputation for it's "progressive" atmosphere and tight knit membership which feels intimidating to me. I didn't want to go there for this reason but it was one of the only choices at 8:00 pm. Then it dawned on me that this is exactly where I need to go and that my approach is actually better suited for that type of atmosphere.

I talked about my experience with the lurking notion and how I learned that the lurking notion was not the secret desire to drink but rather the lurking notion that I was immune to alcohol. I also talked about how my relapses were preceded by a condition that I can only describe as a lurking notion that I was immune to powerlessness.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up early, thanks be to God.

I woke up thinking about the serenity prayer again.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

God, grant me - this starts by admitting that God is the power that restores me to sanity.

the serenity - serenity is control of the the self, the quieting of the storm within.

to accept - acceptance is something that comes with serenity and is a gift of grace from God.

the things I cannot change - There are things that I cannot change in the world, only God can.

courage to change - It takes courage to let go and let God decide what is to be changed. I can only find this courage from God.

the things I can - I don't place my dependence on changes of the outside world but changes within.

The wisdom - This is intuition that only comes from conscious contact with God. This can come progressively.

to know the difference - I can know the difference by applying the process of personal inventory. In time this can become an intuitive part of my conscience.

In the solitude of the morning I started my devotional routine and realized that I had not done this for 5 days because of the holiday clamor. In looking at the reflections on step 12 I was astonished to see that they corresponded to the insights that I received.

This morning I heard a word about perseverance from Fr. Corapi. He said that God does not just need our ability, He needs us in our vulnerability.

This morning I was mildly resentful that my wife slept late.
This afternoon I got to shop for a new pair of pants.
This evening my parents came and brought us my mom's beef soup. We got to spend time talking and laughing with each other. Most of it was real light hearted good times but the conversation turned to my sister who is dying. The conversation led us to talk about matters of faith. Afterward I was worried that I came on too strong. But then I was grateful for the opportunity.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and we were all slow getting started. After cooking and serving the kids breakfast and then cleanup, lunch came around too soon. After lunch I was very tired and never really got going. I had to accept that some housekeeping and leaf raking as the most productive things that I would do with this day.

I was afraid today about not being productive.
I was resentful that I was undisciplined.
I was resentful that my wife did not get out of bed earlier.

Today I thought some more about the spiritual gifts that I've received this Christmas.

Insight to address agnosticism - remembering that I simply need to speak about my own experience, speak in the frame of reference that the person relates to, and that I have been trained for this in step 12.

Step 12 Insight - Trying to carry this message gets me to think deeply (meditate) on the principles of the spiritual life and I get to receive this message.

The Christmas Spirit - It is better to give than to receive, from my step 12 meditation.

The serenity prayer has been on my mind the past three days. I have felt as if it is suddenly more meaningful for me.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I decided to go to the smaller men's group at our club rather than the larger mixed group at the other place whether I would have preferred to go. I was glad I went where I did in support of the fellowship at the group level.

I thought some more about my bad using dream yesterday. I thought about how the only part I remembered was the misery of coming down. The topic of the meeting helped me remember how self centered I was in the dream. I was grateful for my sobriety. I was able to contribute to the meeting and got a great sense of constructive accomplishment from this. I ended the day feeling productive.

During the Monday Night Football game tonight a guy got severly injured. The camera showed one of his team mates on a knee. He was a huge lineman with "Psalms 91" written on his nose tape. I got to read Psalms 91.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a dream that I had been smoking crack and had abandoned and lost our minivan. I was coming down and trying desperately to find the vehicle. I woke up groggy and wondering what time it was. It seemed like a long time passed and I prayed as I drifted in and out of sleep. When I woke more alertly I actually began to have several inspirational thoughts about the past few days.

I considered that we might not go to mass because I thought that I was late getting up. But I persevered and we got ready anyway and we made it. I was really glad that we did make it because today was the feast of the Holy Family.

The priest opened up with a prayer that I wanted to remember but couldn't in the clamor of kids and wife all day. I looked it up and found something close.

Let us pray for the unity of our family,
Father,
Please help us to live as the Holy Family,
United in love, respect, and faith,
Bring us joy and peace in our home,
Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Amen

This evening I stayed home and watched a football game with my son. Afterward I listened to Fr. Barron's sermon about what makes a family holy. His suggestion that a family should view their relationship to God as with a higher Will. That doing God's will in service is what connects one with a higher Power. It is doing God's will that makes a family holy just as with the person.

I will add mission to our family prayer: "May we carry these gifts in service to others,"

Let us pray for the unity of our family,

Father,
Please help us to live as the Holy Family,
United in love, respect, faith, and mission,
Bring us joy and peace in our home,
May we carry these gifts in service to others,
Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ,
Amen

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up before everyone else and prayed and thought about yesterday's events. I thought about the way my wife's uncle brought a great deal of faith to the event in the midst of apathy. I wished I could have acknowledged this more to him for edification. I also thought about how this as a role model for me in spiritual leadership of my family. I also thought about how we all made a lot of insignificant small talk about sports and news events. I thought about how I could lead a conversation about the real meaning of the holiday. Perhaps I could play a game of questions leading everyone to talk about what and why we celebrate the birth of Christ and why it is important. I thought about how this could get everyone to answer from their differing perspectives and be a learning experience for all.

I also thought about how faith got me through my trying experience in the end. In the past I would have gotten overwhelmingly upset. I would have had to place an inordinate amount of blame on someone. I would have made a furious and rash decision probably to go home rather than spend the night as we did. I thought about what God was trying to teach me through this experience.

When we got home we had Christmas with my sister-in-law and nephew. It was a delicate situation as my parents did not choose to join us. I had to advise my wife that we could not control their actions, and we can control our attitude toward this, that we can have serenity and allow them to resolve their own relations. I then realized the significance of the serenity prayer as describing the fruits of the program.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was the carpet slippers and the bottle. I shared about my two relatives who gave up drinking without a program. I tried to contrast this with meaningful sobriety but couldn't come up with adequate words. I think that I did ok but afterward I thought of some very good insights that I would like to write about, perhaps in my blog.

I suddenly realized that God is blessing me with many spiritual gifts this Christmas.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning our sons began waking up for Christmas day at 4:00 am. We got up at 6:30. After doing Christmas morning here we drove to Houston (130 miles) to do Christmas dinner at my father in law's sister's home. I got pulled over for speeding on the way there. I was polite and respectful to the officer and didn't react or gripe at my wife. The officer let me off with a warning and a merry Christmas.

The dinner was at a very large estate in an upscale gated community. We had a great time even though we are not that close to them. It is interesting to see how we have changed. I was grateful that I didn't have to get stressed out over the drinks I was offered. I was grateful that I didn't have to get irritable over having to monitor 4 small children. I was grateful that the hosts said a prayer before dinner and expressed a great deal of faith. I was grateful that we get to have this experience.

I thought about how I used to behave at these events and what my wife's aunt and uncle must have thought of me then. I would be irritable, restless, and discontent. Today I get to experience tolerance, patience, and serenity in the midst of difficult circumstances. I also noticed that they have become more faith filled possibly as a result of going through life crises of their own. I also got to see my sobriety in contrast to another person's for whom it is a white knuckle struggle.

As we were leaving my father-in-law was waiting to back out and I felt rushed to get out of his way. As I backed up I turned too quickly and backed into a ditch. Our van was stuck and leaning precipitously. We were tired and restless but were stuck there and had to wait for a tow truck. I got embarrassed and uncomfortable. I felt like I was imposing and burdensome. I resolved to allow God to help me and was able to get the through the initial difficulty. we took the actions necessary and the situation was eventually resolved with no apparent damage to the vehicle.

Thanks be to God.

This morning early my wife and I were in a philosophical discussion and she exploded on me. I tried to contain my emotions but gave her some critical advice. I was worried that this could ruin our Christmas eve day so I tried really hard to give her some space and not antagonize her by demanding that it be resolved.

In the afternoon I took gifts to my neighbors and we got to talk a little.

This evening we went to mass and my son sang in the choir. My 4 and 5 year old sat next to the priest on the altar after the Gospel reading.

My parents came to visit after mass.

Thanks be to God for the incarnation this Christmas eve.

This Wednesday another extremely busy day. In the morning my wife's friend called at 9 am and I answered that my wife was asleep as she alwats is at that time of the morning. Apparently I was resentful.

I had to do a lot more yardwork. At mid day I took the kids on a gift shopping excursion. It was a big success, they behaved well and we got great little gifts for my wife.

In the evening we drove around to look at the lights and we ended up going to the capitol. My youngest daughter (2) said that it was a castle.

We got home late and went straight to bed.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got up late but a little earlier. I got the kids up and I felt like we made a stride to get back on schedule. I immediately thought that today would be a good day for a bike ride.

I washed dishes and fed the kids and then did a review for yesterday. I had the feeling that there was a lot that I wished I could remember from my thought life about spiritual matters from yesterday.

I spent all day doing yard work in preparation for the dinner my wife was having with her cousins at our home tonight. In the solitude of my work I sought to get back the thoughts that I had in previous days but could not find them. My son helped me and I was grateful to build a work ethic in him. Afterward we threw the football some.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was prayer and meditation. I tried to remember a recent epiphany that I had about this subject but I could not. At least I think that I could not. I believe I had the insight when I was speaking to my sister or thinking about our conversation.

Perhaps if I write them out I can remember:

It may seem like it is impossible for a person with a job, kids, house, cars, commitments, and responsibilities to do this consistently and effectively but I am proof that it can be done.

Morning prayer and meditation is the daily process of behavioral planning and programming that is the most essential skill that a person must perfect in order to achieve a high functioning life.

When I pray I am connecting to God for love and power but I am just as much talking to me and telling myself that with God's help I resolve to conduct myself effectively in the behaviors that are most critical to good living.

When I pray and meditate I am striving to move out of my self centeredness and toward God and other centeredness.

I spoke about it tonight and shared a tired old story. I felt disappointed in what I said because I don't think I made the main point well. Perhaps I am just placing excessive expectations on my self

When I got home tonight my wife said that her dinner was a success.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. after writing this I read back over some previous reviews and I think that i may have found the insight that I was looking for. I believe it was in the building of faith. I had been thinking about the placebo effect and faith. I had thought about how critical it is to build faith on a daily basis through prayer and meditation so that when trouble comes and faith is needed most critically it has been cultivated to the extent that is efficacious.

This morning when I woke up I was able to get straight through my prayers and meditation without struggle.

As the day began a good list of to-dos transpired for me. I was able to get them all done. I was able to take care of my financial tasks and able to do some things in prep for a big speaker meeting this weekend at the 12 step club.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We spoke about selfishness and self-centeredness from page 64 in the Big Book.

Afterward a friend spoke to me and asked about some used tires that I needed to sell. His tires are bald but he is getting larger rims in a couple of months so he needed to some tires to get by. He remembered that I had some tires for sale so we came to my house to look at them and they worked perfectly for him and he bought them. Thanks be to God for this good fortune.

Last night we went to the Christmas Tree festival at Zilker park. We were late getting home and exhausted and I fell asleep without doing a review.

Yesterday morning we were late waking up because we were very late getting to bed the night before. My wife was doing Christmas activities with the kids and they don't have school right now. I was also feeling sick with a mild head cold. I woke up feeling remorseful and unproductive. I had to do a lot of cleaning when I woke up.

Late in the morning I had to run some errands alone and I got to clear my head. I thought a lot about a career path and my feelings swung back to doing a career that is something that I am interested in and think about the most. I thought about how much of the thought life that a career requires and I questioned whether computer networking would be something that i would be able to do effectively.

I also thought alot about how to approach my sister. I asked my mentor about this last night and he immediately brought up evangelizing to her and suggested that I read the gospel of Matthew. I was reticent about this immediatlely but I looked into the scripture readings anyway. As I thought about this further I thought about my conversation with her and the reading from we agnostics last night and I thought about how this led me down the right path. I thought about how I need to speak to her in terms that she understands, not religious terms. I thought about how I needed to work up incrementially by speaking about the need for a spiritual life, then the need for a higher power, then the need for God, then the need for Christ. Along the way there are a lot of smaller increments and finer points that need to be addressed. I also thought of how we had started talking about the placebo affect and this would make a great inroad among several others.

In the afternoon I went to my sponsor's house to drop off a couple of bikes that I am gifting to him. I spoke to his wife and found out that he is in the hospital with a serious illness. Late in the evening I called him and spoke for a little while. I was able to tell him that the readings he gave me for my sister were helpful and could be helpful to him as well.

In the evening we went to the Christmas festival and had a great time except that my wife got extrememly resentful with me because I would not let let go of my autistic son's hand and let him roam free in the crowd. The festival is a trail of lights around a walking path and it was especially crowded and dark at some points and my son was very excited. I had to resist being angry.

In the evening I got to talk to a friend in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had several aha moments. At the end of the day I struggled again to remember them.

I thought about how a key element of step two is to recognize that there exists a bias against spiritual matters and religion. I needed to see that I had not given spiritual matters an objective analysis. I had thought that I could not have faith because I was a reasoning person. But, I had been unreasonable about faith. I realized that when it came to faith matters my obstinate attitude was based on emotion not reason. This was how I was able to find faith. Perhaps this catharsis could be an approach that I could use with my sister.

When I carry the message centered around what is written in the book then I can speak with utmost confidence that will stand up to challenge.

I read today about the process of surrender as the way to fight addiction was like the Chinese finger trap. When I exert my will on my problems they grip me tighter.

I read today that the addict gets to live a high functioning life an that a person in recovery becomes "better than normal."

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and the topic was about the great reality within. Our Gospel reading today was about the visitation. Our priest spoke about the visitations we make and that we must carry the Gospel the way that Mary carried Jesus.

We all got to pray together this evening as a family.

Thanks be to God.

This morning while I was getting started in the day I had a flurry of inspired thoughts. These were a few simple concepts that could be helpful. I wish that I could remember them. I wanted to write them down but I got so busy with the kids that I couldn't. One thing that I do remember is the that I thought of the 4 deadly causes, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. I think that the seven deadly sins are behaviors that result from these root causes.

Early in the day I had to enact difficult discipline on my oldest son. He willfully disobeyed and a simple task refusal escalated from sentences, to timeout, to a spanking. I feel bad because this is a result of my unwillingness to enact consistent discipline in frequent small increments.

I was proud of my son for helping me rake leaves all day.

I got to talk to a friend who had been awol and found that he was alright.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I still felt very disturbed about my sister's condition. I thought a lot about what I should do our how I should go about speaking to her about the fate of her soul.

I thought a lot about the power of faith to heal. I thought about the placebo effect and how there is no explanation for it and how it is rooted in faith. Perhaps we are designed for faith and when we believe in the certainty of anything we tap into the power with which we are connected. But when we truly believe in God we exponentially tune in that power.

This morning I got back to maintenance of my outlook task list.
This morning I helped with the laundry.
Today I completed my financial aid registration.
Today I did not study for my assessment.
Today I got to talk on the phone to a peer in recovery.
Today I took the kids to school in the morning.
This afternoon when I picked up my son we all sang Last Christmas.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting and bring the topic.
I got to make coffee.
I got to set up some Christmas lights.
I got to talk to a relatively new guy afterward.

Tonight my wife and I took the kids for a drive to see Christmas lights.

Thanks be to God.

Tonight I learned that my sister has six months to live. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to talk to her about saving her soul. I love her and I want her to be with me and my family in heaven.

This morning I was irritable with my wife when she was trying to help me enroll in school. She was just trying to help but I reacted out of self-centered pride. Probably fear of having to admit my failures in life.

Several times today I thought about living life as if this is the best time of my life because it is.

This afternoon I got to guide a friend through a resentment.

This evening I took my younger kids to a birthday party at a restaurant. It was trying but I survived and was able to enjoy some moments.

Tonight I danced with my daughter.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and my prayers were interrupted because my wife had to be at work early. I tried to avoid blame and accept that this was God's will for me and I prayed as I went through my tasks.

Last night I didn't do a written review because I fell asleep putting my son to sleep. He was afraid again and I had to lay down with him. I tried to get him to sleep on his own but I felt too empathetic to stick to it.

This morning I read in the Gospel about the farmer that had two sons (Mt 21:28-32) and asked them to go work in the vineyard. One son says ‘I will not,’
but afterwards changed his mind , the other son said ‘Yes, sir,’ but did not go. Jesus said to them, “Amen, I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes
are entering the Kingdom of God before you.

This got me thinking about recent discussions about whether or not some people (particularly gay) go to heaven. I thought that this would be a good way to address this issue with them rather than whether or not they go based on lifestyle.

Last night and this morning I got to talk to a person with less experience than me about matters of recovery.
This morning I had a near occasion of sin in sexual thoughts.
This morning I got to sort through my documents and find my GED documentation.
This morning I got to go to my high school and obtain my transcripts. It was eye opening to see the grades. I had a lot of F's but I had high test scores. It reminded me that personal conduct is more important than intelligence.
Today as I drove around running my errands and after talking to my wife I began to feel much more optimistic about the current path of my life.

Tonight I had to make a choice between going with my wife and kids to the neighborhood association Christmas festival or to a 12 step meeting at my home group. I chose the latter. I am grateful because of what I heard in the meeting. The topic was from the family afterward about the recovered alcoholic's responsibility to recognize that the family was long neglected and that we have to practice a lot of acceptance and gratitude. I thought about how my wife had said this week that this has been the best year of our life in the ways that are most important. I had been in some self pity over not being an adequate father and this made me grateful. I also heard someone speak about their parents being alcoholic and about losing one of them and it made me think of my wife. I then became grateful that I get to be the sober person in her life.

Tonight I heard some good news about the financial assistance we are receiving. I close this day feeling better about myself and my decisions than I have felt in a long time.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a birthday party at eleven am so we had to go to early mass. I didn't wake up early enough to take all the kids so I just took the boys. I felt distant from the holy life at first but felt my spirit wake up especially at communion.

I got to share a great time at lazer tag with my son.
I was really busy with the kids by myself this evening.
I wished that I could go to the 12 step meeting.
I got a little too grouchy with the kids at times(selfishness).
We lit the advent candles.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got to go to a meeting. The subject was principles before personalities and humility. I spoke about some of the humiliations that I suffered due to my alcoholism and about how the program gave me the opportunity to practice humility instead. One of the examples that I used was how I had focused on the world at large all my life and been dismissive of personal morality. I had to become willing to have an attitude shift and take a moral inventory. In the end i learned that this was the key to good living. I had to focus the attention of the inner life and on my personal conduct first. I had to re-order my relationship to the world and only then could live effectively.

After the meeting I was thinking of my mom and sister. I thought about calling them but as usual kind of balked out of vacancy for what to say. Then I thought about how I could tell my sister that I felt very worried when she went to surgery. I could tell her about how this hit home for me where her previous illness did not. Then I could also tell her about how this is making me aware of how distant we are and that I have been thinking about this and thinking that it started for us in our youth when we became centered on the material world and ourselves and not on our personal morality.

This morning my prayers were interrupted and I realized an hour later that I never went back and finished my morning offering. So I stopped by the washing machine and prayed.

Today I had impure sexual thoughts several times.
I went to see my sponsor today.
This evening I was a little grouchy and innatentive with the kids a few times.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about the mutual implicity of reason and faith.

I also thought about how I carry the message.

I also thought about why atheists and Christians are so angry. They get angry when they own their position and it becomes their will rather than an objective debate.

I also thought about teh idea of God as the internal policeman.

This morning I had a hard time waking up and so did the kids. I got resentful at my wife for keeping them up too late.

Most of the morning I felt sluggish and sullen. I'm not sure what that was about but I am sure that it was some form of self. I felt a lot better in the evening.

I got to talk to a friend in recovery for a while in the morning. We talked about being careful with sudden revelations.

Today while updating my career networking profile I had a revelation to pursue a particular career path. I talked to my wife about it and decided to go to school. During our discussion she raised some points that were valid but I have been opposed to for a long time. This caused some emotional dissonance in me and while she talked all I could here was her gum smacking. I could barely hold myself together but I did. I was at the same time disappointed in myself and pleased that I made it through until my attitude changed.

This evening I responded to a friend's post about religion. I had spoken to my wife about it and she expressed the opinion that I had always held that it is better to avoid these discussions. When I read it I knew that this had changed for me. It is my job to respond with kindness and respect.

I got to pray with my children tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found a new attitude in my search for work.

This afternoon I had to change my attitude toward my kids.

This evening I got to go to a meeting and bring the topic. I read about self centeredness as the old attitude that was the root of my troubles.

I found out that my friend that was having troubles is ok for now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was deeply troubled about the guy at the meeting last night. I couldn't stop thinking about how his father must feel.

We had a good morning and made it to mass on time. I was resentful that my wife slept late while I was trying to feed the kids. At mass I was resentful that she kept giving in to the misbehavior of the smaller children. After church I sent her an article about how to get children to behave in mass and what the standards should be.

In the afternoon I was too wrapped up in my focus of mind and I griped too much at the kids when they interrupted.

In the evening I got a call from the guy at the meeting last night and he was threatening to kill himself. I tried to reassure him that his life was worth living but I don't think I did a very good job.

I got to talk to another friend who checked in.

I got to hug my kids a lot today.
I got to have a healthy mind and body today.
I got to be with God today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we all got up and got going in good spirits. My wife had to work and we are still using on vehicle so I started out to take the 3 oldest to school. On our way my son with food allergies vomited in the back seat of the van. I turned around for home and called my wife. She griped at me for not taking my daughter to school first and she cursed and hung up the phone. I had to ask God's to remove my resentment.

I remembered that I had a dream last night. In the dream we were all headed out the door together. As I walked out the door a voice from the roof of the house started telling me that I should tell something to my wife. In the dream I knew what the person said but I do not recall what it was now. In the dream I laughed and started talking back with the person, it was my wife's friend. I engaged in a conversation with her and then I was standing there on the roof putting up Christmas lights. As we joked our conversation took a turn to discussion and counsel. Then I realized that my wife's friend was actually the blessed mother and she was up in the tree over our bedroom where the doves live. Then I saw that there were many doves throughout the tree. As she was speaking I scanned around our house and saw that doves had landed in all the trees surrounding the house. The trees were filled with three types of birds, doves, hawks, and grackles. They appeared to have a hierarchy. I thought about this and imagined that these were the heavenly hosts surrounding and protecting our home and my family. I imagined that these were the angels, archangels, and saints.

This morning I woke up in good spirits and willing to trust in God. The kids and I got to watch an animated story of the real Saint Nicholas. It was the best program that I have seen about the story and it captivated us all. I was particularly moved by the conversions that happened and the potential conversions.

I was able to get up and clean and feed the kids and find joy in my work even when my wife was away at school.

I had this weird moment in the middle of the afternoon when I sat down to watch the animated stories of the New Testament and none of the kids were watching. It was a particularly good episode that went through various parables and culminated with the question of why Jesus taught in parables. I was moved again by the conversions, potential conversions and those who did not convert. But, during this my wife walked by me and I felt like I was being idle for watching children's cartoons and I eventually got up. I regret this because this was the Gospel that I was watching.

I did get busy and again I took joy in my work.

In the evening there was a major football game, the Big 12 championship. But all day I felt compelled to go to the meeting. At game time I decided to go. The meeting went well with a small attendance of a few of our most sober people.

At the end of the meeting someone got up and cursed some people and cursed Christ and spit on their desire key tag. Fortunately no one reacted defensively and some people reacted with tolerance and kindness, although I was conflicted over whether or not some assertive action was warranted.

I put my best face forward but was disappointed to experience a rage storm of emotions. I had thoughts of disruptive confrontation, exclusion, and even violence. I was also reluctant to admit this to myself. I realized that these emotions come from my basic instincts of pride, ambition, and ultimately fear.

It occurred to me that I am not living up to the ideals of forgiveness and sacrifice if I allow myself to dwell in those emotions.

I talked to a guy afterward and he helped me to get objective. I talked to my sponsor and he helped me to find sympathy for the person. I now need to pray for Jesus to give me forgiveness and love the person and I think I already feel it now.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had some strange happenings. First my son woke up within a few minutes of going to sleep and said he heard breathing under his bed. Then I woke up just after sleep with an angelic voice directly behind my head that said "father". Then I woke up in the middle the night with a jolt that felt like an electric shock. Then I had a dream that I was working back at my old job at the semiconductor plant and going through several days and was living sobriety hiding some brief relapses. But this wasn't all.

Early this morning I was woken from a dream that I was actively using. I had scored some drugs and returned to the house where I lived and went in to the room where I used in a startlingly furious rush to get high. I sensed that I had been using for a long time at this point and had such an intense anticipation high that it was causing me to be nauseous. I thought about taking a big snort but immediately rejected that idea to scrounge for a needle. I thought about a drawer in a desk and remember stacks of fresh syringes in there. But when I opened it there were only a few bent and dull used points. I was trying to stick a full one in my arm when I felt myself yanked out of the dream. I felt myself pulled rapidly as if up a long shaft through layers and layers of consciousness.

When I came up to the surface of consciousness and was still not quite awake I still had the deep obsession. I felt angry and wanted to get back up or dart out of bed and go score. As I began to wake up I felt the obsession gradually ease and I returned to reality and sanity.

I had a great day today running errands and putting up the Christmas tree.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning was very busy as my wife had to work at 8:30 and we still only have one vehicle. While dropping off the kids she started bickering at me for driving too carefully. At one intersection she griped at me for not pulling out in between the oncoming vehicles. She said that I had enough time (if I darted out there). I griped back and then went on to gripe at her about her temperament. I was embarrassed with the level at which I reacted, even if I was right. BTW, we got to to her job 40 minutes early.

This morning I read the daily reflections and thought about this alot.

I went to a meeting at 10:30, the topic was from step 12 on when to give and on burning into the consciousness of the new man that he place his dependence on God, not people. I talked about my anxiety over how to sponsor when I was newly sober and how the wording of the step "tried to carry this message" became the focal point that answered all my concerns about how and when to help. The step doesn't ask me to help him solve his problems, help him with his family matters, help him with money, or even to get the man sober. What is required is that I "try" to "carry this message" to him. With this as my objective I can to lead him to rely on God and He will solve all his problems. I first have to teach him to put first things first. That doesn't mean that I can't help with other things but I should be aware that material help or help with outside issues is not part of sponsorship or step 12.

As I was driving home from the meeting I started thinking about my friend and sponsor and I had the impulse to go by his place of business. But, I thought that I had no good reason to bother him at work. I had dismissed the idea but it kept coming up. Then I realized that today was the day that I was supposed to meet with him in the morning. So I went and saw him. We both recommited to sharing a list of unmanageabilities to pray for each other.

In the evening my son and wife kept me busy until late so I didn't get to write and evening review so I am doing it this morning for yesterday.

Today we only had one vehicle so I was busy driving all the kids to school and my wife too. I had several memorable moments today.

When I was back at home and I was alone up on the roof in the cold wind fixing the Christmas lights.
After I dropped off my wife at school on a hill overlooking the city that I live in and I stopped to take in the view in the gray day before the rain.
When I sat at night in my living room with candles lit on the mantle below the icons.
When I took a minute before dinner to write some thoughts about the spiritual awakening and step 12.

I was happy that my wife went to a meeting tonight.

I was really worried about my sister today as she had to go into emergency surgery for a brain tumor. I prayed for her all day. I am also worried about my parents because they are not practicing their faith and she needs their intercession more than anyone. I rounded up the kids tonight and we gave thanks that she is in recovery and feeling much better. We said 10 Hail Mary's for her continued recovery, courage, and protection.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt aimless much of the day. I felt like I couldn't commit to a clear cut task because my daughter came home from school and I was babysitting much of the time. Perhaps it would be good to list the things that I did get to do so that I can appreciate my usefulness.

I got to look for some jobs and log them. I got to reply to a response and get the practice of interacting with a prospective employer.
I got to troubleshoot a website for my wife's employer.
I got to read and study about morality, ethics, and religion.
I got to help my son do his book report.
I got to help feed, dress, change and entertain my kids.
I got to keep up and clean our house.
I got to pray with my son.

In the afternoon my mom called and told me that my sister is ill. I pray that God will help her through this and that she can find faith also.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting that I don't usually go to. I got to speak to a guy that I hadn't seen in a while and he got me caught up about a friend who is in the hospital. I felt selfish for not having kept in contact. A guy there told me that he heard me speaking about and that he remembered me from 2 years ago.

Today there were several moments that my son sensed my irritability and he extended an embrace and encouragement even though I was correcting him. He made me proud that he is learning good character. Tonight before prayers he told me that I was the best and gave me a pat on the back.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday when we woke up my wife was ill. I also felt like I was coming down with something and was late waking up. I was afraid that I would not be able to get the kids going and make it to mass. But I tool it a little at a time and tried not to become set in my mind to not making it and we made it. I had to keep my thoughts from going into thinking that my wife got herself sick by pushing herself too hard to do things that were not necessary. I thought about all the extra stuff that she did for thanksgiving that we could have done without. I tried not to be resentful.

The kids did great in mass and it was a beautiful celebration of the first Sunday of advent. I had a talk with the kids before mass and they really responded. They actually behaved better than I have ever seen. I had to resist gloating about it to my wife. The priest spoke about how people separate themselves from God. He said that we typically only think of the mortally sinful lifestyles but that the most common way that people become separated from God is by making the daily duties of job, home, kids, yardwork, etc. become too important and time consuming that no time is left for God.

I spent all afternoon helping my kid do his science project. I should have started this 2 weeks ago. I was grouchy and resentful much of the time. My son was enthusiastic and he encouraged me to overcome my resentment. My wife got out of bed and helped with the kids and helped me put it together. It turned out great.

In the evening we were late getting to bed and I never got a chance to do my evening review so I am doing this on Monday morning.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday was both a day of recovery from the busy Thanksgiving day before and a busy day of preparation for our 2nd Thanksgiving event today.

I spent the day helping my wife clean inside, doing yard work, watching the kids, and putting up Christmas lights on our house. At times I was really worried about the cleanliness of the house. At the end of the day I felt like I should have spent more time cleaning than putting up Christmas lights and playing football with my son.

I was up very late and didn't get a chance to go to a meeting or talk to any of my friends in recovery. I think I was resentful that I have to pace out my meeting attendance as a matter of duty to my family. I tend to fault my wife but I realize that this is my self-centeredness.

In the evening I looked at the Christmas lights and was pleased at how beautiful they are.

Today was a busy day from the very start. We had our Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my in-laws. I was worried how it would turn out but it was absolutely perfect. I was nervous about saying grace but was grateful for the opportunity to be the guy who is called upon for this and my son told me that I did good.

I took the time to take a phone call while I was at the grocery store and it was a friend in the program. We talked at length about our holiday experience and about God's power over temptation.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting and I got to share my experience with the solicitations to drink and use and how even though I had neglected to prepare specifically for those situations, I was ready with what was truly important which is spiritual preparedness. None of the solicitations had any power over me because of the spiritual activities that I make time to do even when I don't have time. The only thing that I regretted was that I didn't specify that it's God's power that takes away the power of temptation although that was what I meant.

Today I never worried about my vehicle that is broken down at the shop.

In the evening my son joined be in my bed and we talked about my evening review. He remembered all the questions from the big book and we reviewed my day. That review looked different than the way these turn out and I wondered if that is more constructive than this. In thinking about why that is may be because that review is meant for a specific purpose of reviewing my failing while this is more of a journal.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we had to rush out of the house on a trip to a family reunion in another town. I had some trepidation because my parents were late signing us up and because I had reservations about doing this type of event on Thanksgiving day. I felt like this should a close family tradition. Not only that but I was worried about my truck which broke down last night and probably has a blown head gasket at least.

When we got to the town of the event we stopped at a store and my younger son threw up on himself. We had to spend time buying him some pants. This set us back about forty minutes. When we arrived at the event all was well and we were not that late.

I also have a natural aversion to these events because I am a bit uncomfortable around all of the family members that I don't know that I should know. But this was fine, we got to know people and my kids were well liked and received a lot of compliments. The location was in a beautiful park next to the miniature train station. My kids got to ride the train, see animals and fish in the river directly behind the station and they got to hit a pinata. They said that it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

I had 3 strong solicitations to drink with the group of guys that just happened to be the guys that I knew best. I noticed that those guys shared a common bond in their shared experience of getting loaded. The thought of what it would feel like to be drinking there crossed my mind. I was grateful that I didn't feel like I would like to do that. My mind thought about how much it would suck also and immediately rejected the idea. I also remember what it used to be like to feel like I needed to be part of that group that shared that experience. I was grateful that I didn't feel like that anymore also. I was also grateful to be comfortable interacting with the normal people also even though most of them were different than me in many ways.

This evening I reread Fr. Barron's article about the vampire craze. I picked up on a theme that was my experience. When I lived a pragmatic, secular life I objected to the notions of eternal life, spirituality, or the supernatural if they related to God and religion. But when it came to things like clairvoyance, esp, demonic possessions, spirits, etc. I was fascinated and much more open minded. At some point in my life I realized the incongruity and I tried to reject them. I tried to reject any belief or fascination but i could not seem to deny things like deja vu and uncanny synchronous events and the idea of spiritual guides. When I would catch myself I would blame it on having been conditioned by religion. Later it was through science fiction that I became more open minded. I read about the possibilities of alternate dimensions, energy beings, and mental telepathy. I noticed the similarities of these ideas to supernatural phenomena. This opened the door for the possibility that these could be plausible and do not require evidence because they are outside of the nature of this realm.

As I write this this evening I have a profound feeling that I have regained clarity and willingness about my addict nature that had been elusive lately.

Today I was home with the kids all day because they were out of school. I had to stop myself from griping too much this morning. Then my son had a fit of defiance at mid day and I had to catch myself from using anger again. I was able to recognize excessive obstinacy early on and avoid too severe of consequences and correct it without a major break down for either one of us.

I got to have lots of good times with the kids today even though I was very preoccupied.


In the evening I took them across town to pick up a swing set for the club. On the way home my truck broke down.

I am grateful that I didn't break down in the middle lane of the highway that I was able to get to the shoulder.
I am grateful that I had water and was able to get the kids some food.
I am grateful that none of them were too afraid.
I am grateful for free towing from our insurance.
I am grateful for our frined who owns the car repair shop.
I am grateful that it looks like I have a blown head gasket and not a blown engine.

Today I had a dream about my wife. We had been separated for a long time and I was telling her that I had realized that she had become a part of me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I decided to go to a meeting to encourage my wife to go to hers. The meeting turned out to be a traditions meeting on tradition 10. I revisited the parallel of the relationship of this tradition to the fellowship and the principle of self examination to myself.

This afternoon I was planing to pick up the oldest kid at school and I began to dread walking. I realized this was because of the behavior of one of the kids that walks with and the dynamic with my son. I talked to my wife about it and she encouraged me to go. When we walked everyone behaved and we all enjoyed each others company. I got to guide the boys to be kinder to the one little girl. I was grateful for the shared experience of walking home in the nice weather.

I thought alot today of the talk that my wife and I did last night. I thought about how this sense of shared mission really brings us together.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a busy day. We had a thanksgiving lunch at my daughter's preschool from 11 - 1. Before that I tried to rewrite my story in order to get my thoughts in order for a talk that my wife and I were scheduled to give at a treatment center on their family night. I found myself struggling to focus and needing to change many things. But I couldn't stay on track and I kept wanting to go in depth on things that would just have made the talk way too long and irrelevant to this crowd. I also didn't seem to have that creative sense of inspiration that I usually have for this.

All day long it just didn't seem right and I was deeply distracted. All I could think about was a discussion I had with my wife in the morning in which she opened up to me about her lack of a spiritual life. Since this talk was to the family I felt like a fraud and hypocritical. I felt like we would be up there talking about how great sobriety and the spiritual life was but knowing that maybe things weren't all that great.

Then I got an intuition that this was a spiritual attack. I stopped and asked God for help. I realized that I was placing too much expectation on my wife and that I might just be going through a low point in the biorythmic cycle. I decided that I would take it easy and that however imperfect our talk might be that just our presence would be helpful.

As we pulled up there tonight I felt stressed about the timing of trying to do this talk while my wife is in school, and our daily lives are so busy especially with the holidays. Then I thought about what it must be like being in treatment at this time. I became grateful for the opportunity.

Our talk went well. I was a little disappointed at some things I left out. I told the story of how I considered that the God idea might be a mind trick or purely a psychologically powerful idea. I spoke of how this gave me enough to work with and find belief. What I left out was that when I thought of this idea that I realized that this resonated deeply within me. That I realized that I had an innate desire to believe. I thought of the ideas by the observations of Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung of the psychological archetypes.

In the end the evidence for God that convinced me was not from cosmology or biology. It is not that the universe seems fine tuned for life or that the body seems fine tuned by a creator. It was the God idea itself that convinced me. It was the idea that a person convinced of directives from God had the power to achieve a level of self control that would exceed what he could achieve himself.

This did not require evidence in the material world but rather it came from within.

I felt a lot better about myself and my wife after our talk.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I became engrossed in the movie "The Day The Earth Stood Still". It was weird because as much as I liked the original movie, I had no desire to see this one. I didn't want to see it because I had heard reviews about it and heard that it had a political slant that humans are ruining the planet and the alien races are here to save the earth. So I started to watch it out of curiosity about the special effects but stuck with it out of an intuition even though I wasn't impressed with the effects or the story. But, I was very surprised with the ultimate message of the movie which seemed to have been a second thought to bring some closure. I think this slipped by the reviewers as well. The moral of the story that I saw was about human nature. The scientist Barnhardt makes the case for allowing humanity to face its crises and try to rise to the occasion. Mankind lacks the will to change, Klaatu contends, but Barnhardt objects that “It’s only at the precipice that we change.” I saw this parallel to how individual get stuck in compulsive thinking and cannot change until we are forced to by the precipice. I saw this as the catalyst to willingness.

Yesterday morning a friend from the 12 step fellowship called me and asked if I wanted to help set up for the big speaker event. I had abandoned any plans to do so because my wife was off at school all day. The friend got me motivated to go there and take my picnic table and benches. I don't know if this actually helped bt it helped me to get me out of the house in the morning.

I was stuck at home all afternoon but got to go to the club for the pot luck before the meeting. I was disappointed that I couldn't stay for the speaker from Houston as my wife had to work but I realized that it would be selfish of me to resent this.

In the evening my son was afraid again and he needed me to sleep with him. I am concerned that this will become a habit that I should be correcting before it gets out of hand but I can't help thinking of when I was a young boy and I had night terrors. I also thought about how he will only be a boy for a little time and I should just enjoy this time I have with him.

This morning we made it to mass on time and in good spirits. Today was a special mass celebrating Christ The King. I was at times very proud of my children for their behavior even though they weren't perfect. I remember that I took the time to gather them and pray this morning.

My wife was gone all day at school again. By the evening I started going stir crazy and at one point was yelling too much at the kids. I was worried today about my wife and my speaking engagement tomorrow evening. I was worrying because my wife is very tense with me right now. I was also worried about not feeling prepared.

In the evening I asserted myself to go to the meeting because I was just too stir crazy. After the meeting I had a feeling that tomorrow night would be ok.

I thought about sharing my story starting with my first trip to treatment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to talk to a good friend about recovery.

Last night I renewed the domain for my sobriety blog and I'm not sure that I need it. I spent some time updating the content today.

I forgot to take my son to his therapy appt. My wife is angry at me about it.

I spent too much time alone today.

I got to to go to a meeting this evening. There was only one guy there but we got to talk a little.

Thanks be to God.

This morning when I woke up I was able to get straight through my prayers and meditation without struggle.

As the day began a good list of to-dos transpired for me. I was able to get them all done. I was able to take care of my financial tasks and able to do some things in prep for a big speaker meeting this weekend at the 12 step club.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We spoke about selfishness and self-centeredness from page 62 in the Big Book. The discussions seemed to focus on 2 common threads, That our scope of vision is infinitesimal compared to God's, and that our vision is obscured by our old ideas and misdirected instincts. It dawns on me right now that rule 62 may allude to this page.

Afterward a friend spoke to me and asked about some used tires that I needed to sell. His tires are bald but he is getting larger rims in a couple of months so he needed to some tires to get by. He remembered that I had some tires for sale so we came to my house to look at them and they worked perfectly for him and he bought them. Thanks be to God for this good fortune.

When I got in I saw that my wife was staying up late to have another mom and her kids over for a movie. I complained about this on a school night and she got defensive and I retorted about this poor decision. This escalated until I machined gun out some truths about her lack of good judgment. Nothing I said was incorrect but I was very wrong because I was too enamored with being right and I was too inconsiderate in how I spoke to her. I repetitively prayed for God to save me from being angry and for me to accept that His will be done not mine. Her anger dissipated in a little while and we made nice before going to sleep. Now I just need to apologize to her.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I met with my friend and 12 Step sponsor. It was good to talk over our experiences in life and my difficulties. We talked about the need for me to fully place my trust in God. Afterward I went to the post office about my broken mailbox and found out it will be repaired free of charge. When I got home my wife said that several things had miraculously come together to help us through this financial difficulty and give our children a decent Christmas.

In the afternoon I walked to pick up my oldest son from school. On the way back I caught the mailman filling the mailbox and I was able to get my mail from him. He was listening to the religious radio station that I listen to and we had a little chat about a discussion on the movie 2012. The letter regarding my unemployment insurance extension was in my mail.

Later I browsed the Word On Fire website and their was an excellent review of the movie 2012 by Fr. Barron. It just occurred to me just how coincidental it is that the scripture reading in the mass this week was the Apocalypse from Revelation

I forgot to pick up my nephew. I should be more considerate, loving, and supportive of him.

This evening I got to watch The Three Paths to Holiness.

Thanks be to God.

Today was like trying to drink from a firehose.

Upon awakening I struggled to focus during prayer. I got up and tried to get awake but still floundered. I simply surrendered and plodded through my prayers as best as possible.

I thought alot about the reasons people need God today.

I made a decision to go to a morning meeting so that my wife would be able to go to an evening meeting if she was inclined to do so. I questioned whether going to the meeting served any purpose because those people don't know me but I committed to going anyway.

I read the Daily Reflection so that I would have some thoughts prepared should that be the topic. The reflection was about the resolution of loneliness and the part that prayer and meditation played in effecting conscious contact with God. I had been meditating on the reasons people need God and saw a common thread of #2 Unconditional Love and Friendship.

When the reading was read at the meeting I thought of how my thoughts about prayer and meditation this month have gravitated toward effecting conscious contact. This took me in a different direction and caused me some distraction as I was trying to narrow down my brainstorm of thoughts. I also began to question if I was off target. The meeting opened with a thud of complete silence and after 2 people shared it ground to a silent halt again. So I spoke up despite my confusion. My speaking was halting and my words were possibly incongruous but I did my best to stay on target. I was dissatisfied afterward but thinking back I couldn't think of anything terribly off target so I guess I did my best to carry the message.

During the meeting I felt re-connected with the people there and was glad that I went.

This afternoon became particularly stressful. My wife informed me that we were in a financial crisis and that she had arranged for a meeting with an organization for emergency aid. I questioned her judgment about this and we got into an argument about it. Fortunately pickup time for my daughter came and it provided us with some separation. Then I fell into remorse over my actions and was afraid that she was going to cancel the help that we probably need. I realized that my actions were based in pride and fear. Thankfully she was agreeable with me when I got back and she hadn't canceled the meeting and didn't stay mad. I admitted my wrong and my fear to her.

On top of that the key on my mailbox won't work and we are waiting on mail critical to our income.

I was reading someones Facebook app that said God wants you to know... It said ... that today is a big day for you. Yes, today. Keep your eyes open for a message.

I struggled with my fear and pride of the meeting that was going to take place at my house. I worried that I would know the people. I even had an absurd thought that what if one of the persons might be someone I went to high school with. I did my best to give it to God.

A guy called me in the afternoon who was in a crisis of faith and I was able to help him and he was able to help me.

The meeting took place in the evening and one of the interviewers was someone that I went to High School with. The interview went well, my pride became inconsequential, we got some assistance, they reassured me that many people are getting assistance these days, and my fears were relieved.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
We have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

"Oh to grace how great a debtor!"

Thanks be to God.

This morning I took my truck in to replace the front tires because they are so worn they have threads showing. I found out that the tires that my neighbor gave me won't work so I have to buy $350 worth of tires at least. I am grateful that at least I have those used tires to sell.

Later my wife had a discussion with me about money as we are in critical condition with our bills and mortgage. She began the process of seeking financial assistance which began to send me into a tailspin of fear. But I picked my chin up and we talked things over and found that we will likely qualify for a mortgage deferment. She is looking into mortgage forbearance for us.

As this was taking place I considered my faith and remembered a recent bout with fear when I made a decision to rely on God with all my strength and to apprehend the attitude that I absolutely without a doubt believe that God is going to solve all of our problems.

In the evening I was alone at home and I was too hard hearted and gripey with my kids. I was consistent in disclipline but I did it with too much anger. This built up until I was yelling at them. In the midst of this my daughter deliberately stood in front of me and said "I love you" and held her hands up to me. She immediately melted my heart and helped me break my rage storm.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a very busy day as it was my oldest son's 9th birthday. We went to early mass and then had a birthday party at the bowling alley in the afternoon. I enjoyed seeing my son having fun amd making memories with his friends. The best moment was when he bowled two strikes in one game.

Today at mass I was grateful for spiritual focus. I saw that my wife is very distracted with the kids and the people around us. I remember that at some point I just didn't get that it was possible and necessary to detach from the world and focus on God, That this was the essence of God centeredness. I Also thought about her general disposition and how she is becomeing more and more stressed out, full of anxiety, short tempered, and worldy and self centered. I realize that I need to resist focusing on her too much and that I need to watch myself that I don't try to do God's job.

This evening I got to go to go to a meeting. Our topic was prayer. I felt moved to just listen and see what others said about the subject and I found that between the many people that spoke, they said a lot of what was important that I would have said. I felt that what I would have said would have sounded repetative so I let others speak. I did have some experience that was not shared that I could have spoke about namely about how I originally didn't see practical use for prayer but then learned that there was this whole part of my thought life that had been neglected all my life and that I discovered a new conception of prayer as the means to achieve spiritual hygiene and fitness which was a new conception that was very practical.

When I came home my wife and I were discussing some car repairs and we started bickering. I had to exit the argument, let her get the last word, and let her process her feelings. I had to resist demanding resolution to the issue and let God be God, not me.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I felt very isolated and somewhat disconnected but still grateful and willing. At the end of the day the kids all decided to sleep in my room on a palette and I couldn't tell them no.

Today we got off to a great start and had our typical Saturday morning of pancakes and religious programs for the kids. At about 10 I got them all outside playing and it was lunchtime before I knew it.

After lunch I got to do some step work with a guy which was immensely uplifting for me.

In the late afternoon I went to pick up my middle son from an autism camp. I was very proud of him as he appeared to be having a great time and following directions well. The camp persons said really nice things about him and I wished that I could have spent more time with them talking about the camp and thanking them for their service. My proudest moment was when a young lady asked him what his favorite part was and he said it was seeing Jesus.

Tonight my wife was gone on a job and I had a lot of work to do in maintaining the kids and house. I thought about how this is a job that keeps me so busy that I don't need special events in order to have a busy day. But I felt guilty for the times when I watched football or programs with the kids and I could have been keeping up and getting ahead with the housework. I don't feel remorseful about this so much as I feel motivated to do better.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I became very exhausted at 7:30 so I laid down to rest in front of the TV to gather myself for the end of the evening duties. As I was dozing off my daughter started asking for help from the bathroom but I didn't realize it until about the third request. My wife jumped up angrily from her studies and yelled at me that I had ignored her for 5 minutes to watch TV.

I resisted fighting back but had to remove myself to the bedroom. I passed out in the quiet and never woke up. I didn't do an evening review.

This morning I had a hard time waking up and I couldn't understand why since I went to bed so early last night. I remembered last night and was afraid that I was beig selfish and not trying hard enough. I had to jump out of bed and get the kids going without morning prayers but I did spend some time listening to the rosary on TV.

After dropping off my daughter I started my morning prayers and was compelled to write them.

Thank you God for this day. Thank you for a good night sleep, for willingness, for sobriety, and for my spiritual awakening which continues to unfold.

Lord, as I begin this day I offer You my inner most self that You would form my will to align with Yours. I offer You my intellect, instinct, and intuition, my heart mind and soul that I be free from the bondage of self.

God please help me to think clearly, honestly, and objectively, that I will grow in belief, reliance, and trust. I pray that my thinking will not lead me into doubt, skepticism, or rationalization. Help me Lord to use my powers of reason to grow closer to you not away from you.

God please help me to control my emotions, motives, and values that they would not run riot and drive me blindly. I pray especially to temper my anger, fear, and lust. Help me Lord to use my passions to grow closer to You and to the people about me and not to separate us. Please show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

God please help me to open my connection with you to illuminate my spirit, to enlighten my judgment, and to fire my imagination. Please guide me with your inspiration and intuitive thoughts and guide me in the decisions that I must make today. Show me Lord what I can do today to be of maximum effectiveness for you and for the people about me and show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

I pray Lord to keep my house in order today, Amen.

This morning during meditation the word temper stood out in my mind. I realized that I still had some lingering misunderstanding of this term. In my mind the word temper has always meant anger. The phrase "bad temper" has always meant a person with bad anger. The phrase does have this meaning but what it actually means is that the person has a weak ability to "temper" their anger. The word temper is a verb that means to moderate or control.

I researched the word and found that the noun form of the word temper can mean a tendency to anger or lose patience easily, or a state of mind. I think this is a problem of emphasis. The emphasis has been on the tendency rather than the state. In looking at the root of the word I found that it is a verb that means to moderate or control.

I believe that the source of the problem is that self control and moderation are so objectionable to people that they have been de-emphasized in modern times over the idea that it is better allow the natural tendencies rather than repress them. This conception is limited by inability to conceive that the natural tendencies can be processed rather than just repressed.

This morning my wife and kids interrupted my prayers several times. I first got a little irritated but I accepted it and got up and showed them some love.

In the afternoon I got irritated with the neighbor kids that ride home from school with us for their bickering about seating.

Later I griped at my son for whining for me while my wife and I were talking. I gave him sentences for consequences and he refused to do them so his consequences got escalated. He kept refusing until I had to put him to bed. Then I went in and caught him playing video games. Throughout this episode I lost my temper. I lost control of my anger. I didn't completely lose control, but I certainly could have tempered my anger more effectively. I must work to assign consequences more systematically and to control my anger.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a training session at a government agency. I was grateful for the opportunity.

After that I got to visit with my parents and my niece. I was disturbed again by the attitude and appearance of my niece. She scarcely says a word and sits like a zombie with an ipod and dark eye shadow around her eyes nodding out off and on. I am grateful that my wife and I are committed to avoiding this with our children.

I got to work on a bike for my nephew this afternoon.

This evening my wife had to go to study and take a test. I requested that she wait until after dinner so that I would not be stuck doing it alone. This was selfish of me.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got up before everyone else and made breakfast and everyone else woke up on time and we got to mass early. During mass another couple had a hard time with their kids and I felt bad for them. I was grateful for the progress that our family has made.

Yesterday I found out that the 12 step meeting that I carry to the treatment center on Sunday got moved to 10:30 am making it impossible for me to attend because this is during mass times. I was disappointed but also a little grateful as it puts a strain on my family and wasn't being well attended by other members anyway. Nevertheless, this was an important part of my sobriety program and I will miss it.

My wife griped at me severely this morning for something but I was able to stay out of it and she got over it and I don't even remember what it was.

This morning our scripture readings were about giving from the heart. I was grateful to have a clear conscience about this but would like to do more.

It was a rainy relaxing day. I got to spend a lot of time with my wife and kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we slept in and then I made a big breakfast. Instead of watching TV I put on music and we really seemed to be much more attentive to each other. There was this moment that we all prayed together and talked about God has blessed us that made me realize what a great opportunity I have to give my children good formation and a better quality of life than my wife and I and our parents had.

It seemed like I had just finished cleaning up breakfast when lunch came around. I almost started to feel sorry for myself and then my work in the home gave me a sense of usefulness that I needed. I realized that I had been having some low grade fear about not being useful enough. I realized that this is a daily occurrence but it is so subtle that it is flying under my radar. I prayed for God to help me continue to catch this and to remove it. I resolve to do my part to address this also.

This evening I got to go to meeting. It was sparsely attended but those of us there had great fellowship.

The past two days the scripture readings seem to be talking about the importance of unity in the church. I find it interesting and synchronous that this has been on my mind these past two days.

Thanks be to God.

This morning was easy and relaxing because I didn't have to take my youngest to school. After getting the older kids up, doing breakfast and cleanup, and sending them off to school, I got to pray and rest a little before the little one woke up.

The rest of the morning I got to work on some home projects.

At noon I had to make a bank deposit. I forgot that it was supposed to be in by noon and I rushed over there at 11:30. In my haste I didn't count it out and the teller informed me that I gave him more cash than was on the deposit slip. It was weird because I had an intuition that something was wrong. Afterward I kind of worried about it thinking some what ifs that could have cost us and considered being resentful at my wife. But I caught it right away and gave it over to God and was just grateful. I thought about how in the past there would have been no way for me to stop the cascade of thoughts (feelings) that would have ensued over this sort of financial sloppiness. Thanks be to God for freedom from anxiety.

I thought a little today about the whole hyper meticulous approach some people take towards religion. I am realizing that when someone takes this approach and then demands that it be accepted that it becomes divisive. This is the source of the schism in the body of Christ today.

This was prompted by a discussion that I heard and entered yesterday about the nature of saving grace. This also got me thinking about how being opinionated is so divisive. I thought about how there is a need to speak with conviction about matters that cause people to feel convictive but as long as this is only expressed as a principle and not directed at anyone then it is only incisive, not divisive. I endeavor not to point fingers when speaking about truths that are convictive.

This led me to think alot about fostering unity among Christians. I thought about how I could take the approach of encouraging people to become informed about the doctrines of their sects and denominations and to build common ground on the essentials of Christian doctrine that will allow the truth about the need for governing authority to reveal itself.

This evening I got to have a good talk with my brother-in-law about spiritual matters. He is going through some difficulty and the opportunity arose. I could have done better though, I could have suggested that he rely on God.

I had a nice time at the park with my kids this afternoon.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to do 12 step work with a friend in recovery. Afterward I realized that in our zeal for the work we never stopped to pray. So afterward I stopped and prayed for us both. During this worked I received a gift of definition in looking up asceticism. I realized that rigorous self-denial is at the core of my spiritual formation.

My wife just came in and interrupted me. I was trying to review the day and was struggling to remember but i couldn't. I didn't get mad at her or blame her. Instead, I realized that I had not prayed and needed to do so.

I wasn't afraid today, I was just able to have peace and enjoy the moments. For this I am grateful.

In the evening I watched the news about the shooting rampage at Fort Hood. As my mind went through the typical progression of thoughts into the "whys?" I turned away from blaming the man's religion and I immediately felt comprehension of how and why this can happen. Every instance of this sort of insanity is rooted in selfishness and self-centeredness. It is due to poorly formed self will and conscience, because of the spiritual malady. I didn't need to feel anxiety over this one bit because I received the confidence of a sense of understanding and the hope of a solution one man at a time someday.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk about the insanity of addiction. Afterward I got to play bean bag toss with some friends and have laughs and companionship.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to meet with my 12 Step sponsor. I enjoyed meeting with my friend and we talked about a lot of good stuff.

It was a routine afternoon and I don't recall any problems.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought some more about the story about the Tower of Babel. I thought about how this story may be an allegory for the way that man and modern society turn away from faith when they think that human accomplishment and reason negate the need for faith.

In the story man thinks he can reach heaven himself by building a tower and bypass the need for God to get there. In the end man is punished for his excessive pride by being cursed to speak many different languages so that he can no longer work together effectively.

As a child I took this story simply to be an explanation for the origin of different languages. When I became educated in the historical and scientific understanding of the origin of languages the story became a tall tale for me as did many of the religious theories and accounts for the origin of natural phenomena, explanation of ancient events in the history of man. Along with the credibility of these accounts went the credibility for the existence of or the need for God. I lost my faith and couldn't see a practical reason for faith until I gained a new reason for faith and a new set of reasons on which to base my belief.

My old belief had been based on a God whose existence was based on evidence from the origin of natural phenomena and the history of man. My new belief was developed on the basis of God's power to save men from his inability to live a truly sane and ethical life on his own power. My old belief was based upon evidence for God in the external world, in nature and the cosmos, while in searching for new belief I was guided to look for evidence for God in the internal world, the psychic realm, the hearts and minds of men including myself.

I looked at the moral of the story of the Tower of Babel and saw that it was about man's pride in his higher knowledge and accomplishments and how when he thought he didn't need God to reach heaven anymore the result was mass confusion, division, ineffectiveness, and a descent into chaos. I thought about how this is echoed in modern society today in how the new atheists believe that man can develop his own effective moral code of ethics and cast off this superstitious notion that we need a daddy deist figure to command us to do good. That human beings only need reason and and logic to develop a secular utopia.

I thought about how I have seen that in many cases atheists have proposed their own moral codes and how these differ frequently and typically include some provision for moral relativism. I have seen where the only atheist societal systems that have been galvanized well enough to succeed on a large scale have been authoritarian systems that developed a moral system based on survival of the fittest and were tyrannical and cruel. Perhaps this is a tangible manifestation of the moral of the story.

In the final analysis for me personally this is a lesson about the evolution of faith. In my personal spiritual journey I lost my faith because I did not pursue new reasons for faith as I grew up. My belief did not make the transition from child to adult. I didn't give faith a chance to grow in me from the primitive conception that sustains the world to the higher conception that sustains the man.

Today I got to go to a meeting. We talked about the benefit of taking self examination, prayer, and meditation together. I talked about my initial skepticism that this would work for me and how I sought out a solution through REBT and NLP because I thought my problem was not moral but behavioral and psychological. I thought prayer was just flattery of God and of no practical use. I thought meditation was just finding serenity, peace, and nirvana and I needed a replacement for getting high. My higher power would be psychotherapy and medication.

I went on to explain that it didn't work. These things were not effective for me and the therapists all told me I needed AA and 12 Step spirituality. I eventually did try this and even though I had the same objections I worked through them. The result was that I found that these practices were actually designed to work in the ways that I needed for recovery. Moral inventory did help me uncover the behavioral and emotional problems I had and make a rational assessment of them. I had had a limited and prejudiced understanding of morality. Prayer and meditation helped me to focus on changing my old behaviors and adapting new virtues and developing new character. Every morning when I said prayers I was essentially working new programming into my mind.

The processes of the 12 Step program did the same thing that the psychological processes attempted to do. The thing that enabled the 12 Steps to work where psychotherapy alone failed was the X factor, the God concept. The belief in God as a power to restore me to sanity added the needed power to make these practices effective. God for me had the power to command my hardened heart, conquer my raging desires, and still my restless mind.

The rest of the day today was a great joy. I had a feeling all afternoon like I really wanted to do a major project. But, I accepted that I didn't get a clear intuition for anything and it was probably because life is currently a big enough project for me right now. I made a nice bar-b-que for dinner and my sister visited in the evening.

I only griped at the kids a little and I showed them all some love.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up and my thoughts were groggy and chaotic as usual. But, right away I noticed and appreciated that I was able to systematically bring my thoughts into focus and get through my prayers with understanding and effectiveness.

As the morning transpired I started to notice that everything I did and thought seemed orderly and inspired. I got the kids fed and dressed orderly, I got myself together orderly, I was motivated to pick up and clean without struggle, and I was not afraid of the future.

Out in the world things seemed orderly among other people also. Everyone I encountered while dropping off my daughter at school was in a communicative and helpful mood. I even passed a city services truck with a trailer full of trash cans and they were stacked and sorted by size and color.

As I thought through some life philosophies and ideas I remembered that last night a beautiful full moon was rising. I realized that we are in a monthly up cycle in the rhythm of life. I thought about how I need to be mindful of this during the down cycles and use it for strength of faith. And I do attribute this to God's creation.

This afternoon I got to talk to a friend about a some inventory and about how God has helped me to get free from resentment.

Later in the day I got to talk to another friend about how God has helped me to get free from my selfish desires.

In the evening I got to help a guy find a meeting and I got to go to the meeting myself. It was a speaker meeting and a good friend of mine told a great story.

Afterward I got to hang out and talk with a couple of friends. I talked to them about the story of the Tower of Babel.

I got to do grocery shopping after that.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we made it to mass on time and in fair spiri I enjoyed the celebration of the Solemnity of All Saints. Our priests wore white robes and used the thurible to cense the altar. They looked very saintly standing in front of the smoke as it rose from the censer hanging behind them. I suddenly got this weird feeling of "what are we doing here"? as the image stood in such stark contrast to what the world values in it's celebrities. The homily served to exhort me to learn more and be knowledgable about the saints. It also served to edify me in my resolve to live a holy life. I thought about my duty ahead to visit the treatment center and carry the message and it served to remove my reservations.

After mass I went to the treatment center and was worried that the guys were going to resent having the meeting in the middle of the Dallas game. But I thought about how I felt when I was in treatment and how the game was not so important to me. Sure enough no one was watching the game and we had a great meeting.

I had a relaxing afternoon watching the rest of the game and playing with the kids.

At some point this afternoon my wife exploded at me over some trivial issue. I had to use a lot of strength to restrain myself. I resisted reacting and she got over it.

It was a great day, Thanks be to God.

Today was a wonderful day for which I am grateful.

My son and I got off to an early start for his last game of the fall season. It was a great time, he made some good plays, and I was proudest of his effort and focus. I was grateful for the efforts of his coaches and for getting to know a great group of boys and parents. But most of all I cherish the time I got to spend with my son before, and my dad after the game.

This morning I had to make a decision about my son's birthday party and be assertive about this with my wife. She did not like this and unloaded on me with some opinions about the inequity of the volume of responsibilities she must manage and the leisurely pace that I get to live by. I hard to forcefully resist the desire to retaliate. The thing that makes it especially difficult is that I have gotten a lot better about managing my feelings in disagreements and I am much more effective at arguing my case. And I feel that I have a strong case in this case. Namely that the volume she is managing is by the choices she has made which I disagreed with when she took them on. I knew the time would come when she would lose sight of this and she would lay this on me. But I had to stick to principle and resist fighting. I thought quickly about how the argument was not worth it. I thought about Christ on the cross and picking up my own cross. I had to try hard to be long tempered and now I must resist judging and forgive the real or perhaps perceived wrong.

Lately I have been thinking and experiencing the untenable volume of tasks that my wife is trying to manage in addition to the responsibilities that come to a mother of four small children. I predict her descending into too much stress and anxiety that could have unexpected consequences for her and for our family. I pray that this is just my mind exaggerating this based on my fears. I have been trying to resist making judgments about this situation because of the high likelihood that I cannot be objective. But now I am seeing warning signs in addition to an example of someone in a similar situation as her who has already descended into internal chaos. Tonight at a social event I saw her smoke a cigarette which took me completely by surprise. Not only did I realize that it is completely unacceptable for anyone in our family to smoke. But more importantly I worry that this is a sign of increasing neurosis.

There I've said it and I need to let it go.

Early in the afternoon my wife took the kids to do trick or treat with my nephew in his neighborhood. I thought about going but it just seemed too long to go from three in the afternoon to eight or so at night. But I sensed my wife's resentment and unwillingness to discuss it, so I took her presumption and accepted the option not to attend. I also knew this would afford me the opportunity to attend a meeting which these days is not a high priority for her and I felt it was the right thing to do despite her grumblings. This is another thing that I have noticed about her lately is her seeming acceptance to live with a good deal of resentment and just allow it to fade from active memory rather than truly process it or resist.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight and I felt that the events, subject matter, low attendance, and the need for my contribution, all affirmed my decision.

I know that I am putting too much thought and energy into thinking about the thoughts and actions of my wife. I believe this is one of the hazards of intimate relationships that I fall into too much dependence upon expectations about her conduct. I pray for God to deliver me from any self-righteousness, or self-justification, or over-reaction. I thank God for giving me a model of marriage which does not depend on my expectations for the behaviors of my spouse but rather on God's plan and grace for us both.

Despite my concerns I got to see several things to be grateful for her today.

I was grateful that she is organizing a party for my son.
I was grateful that she handled the babysitting arrangements with my mom during the baseball game.
I was grateful that she has a relationship with my nephew and sister-in-law.
I was grateful that she brought all the kids to the party after my meeting tonight.
I was grateful that she was beautiful to me at the party.
I was grateful for her contribution to the family members seeking continued recovery.
I was grateful to see my children play and dance with the other kids at the party.
I was grateful that I got to dance and play games with my kids and friends.
I was grateful that my wife took my son to his buddy's party and talked to his mother tonight.

My kid's said this was the best Halloween ever.
I had really great prayer time with them tonight, we thanked God for the day and we talked about All Saint's Day tomorrow.

I am truly blessed.
Thanks be to you Lord Jesus Christ.

Today was a low energy day. It seems that I am in an every other day cycle right now. Yesterday was a good day and today I was back to feeling sick.

I am grateful that I get to recover in comfort.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the first thing I did when I woke up was to gripe at my wife because she woke me up and it was late. I was out of sorts and I didn't mean it.

Later in the morning I had the chance to go to a meeting for the first time in a week. I found myself debating going over other priorities but I went out of a sense of commitment. I was thinking of how my mind was trying to deceive me into not going. When I wondered why I thought it was because I am an alcoholic but then I thought not because I don't have the slightest desire to drink. I found myself trying to figure out what it was about myself that was the reason. The meeting topic was on self-will. Everything everyone shared built up to be exactly what I needed to know about myself. Selfishness self centeredness that is the root of my troubles. I did not want to go to the meeting because I am driven by a hundred forms of fear. I have been an extreme example of self-will run riot for the past 7 days. Even thought this hasn't been by choice I have been isolated for 7 days meaning I have been exposed to too much self.

I had a phone conversation with a guy trying to sort out the domain registration that was never taken care of for the 12 step web site that I used to administer that I was fired from. I had self righteous indignation that it is not being handled properly.

It was a long afternoon with kid pick ups and my wife working until 9:00. The kids constant barrage of demands got to me and I spoke to them too rudely most of the time. I need to work on this.

I did get to play with them and love them.

Thanks be to God.