Tonight I am irritated because it's late and I can't get to this review. I am just trying to turn from my anger at my wife and pray for it to be removed right now. It's not her fault but my mind wants to blame her for going shopping and leaving me with the kids last night after her meeting and then for dragging her feet getting the kids to bed tonight.
No matter what the circumstances the disturbance is within me. I can only affect what is in me. I can't or shouldn't do anything about her. I am dragging yesterdays baggage into this moment and it is making it worse. I am hyper-irritable because of my nature as a dis-ordered spirit.
All this observation is helpful but isn't the source of my relief. The bottom line is I must access God's power to transform me within. I am absolutely certain of this power.
Last night I didn't get to do my review. Right now I am very concerned about being disciplined about this work and am valuing it highly. Perhaps too much so. Last night I was by myself with the kids and bent on getting the kids to bed and getting to my review. Then my 3 year old started throwing up. He vomited all over himself in his bed. Then just as I was finishing cleaning it up he vomited and choked on it in our bed.
This set me back so far that it was midnight before I knew it and I just had to go to bed.
I thank God that he is ok and that he was just sick from eting too much cheese. I also thank God that he has a great mother who took good care of him this morning.
But I am still selfish I am still thinking mostly of myself.
At noon I got to go to a meeting.
I can hear the baby and her mother so I must end this and go help. Today was a good day. I got to do Halloween with the kids and my son was able to have a great time.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Last night I had one of my demon animal dreams. I was dreaming I was on a quest. I was coming down a mountain, across a dark valley through a forest, over a river to an ancient ruin. As I entered the grounds I approached a gate and sensed that I was in imminent danger. At that moment I began to fly by faith. I also sensed the intercession of a saint got me off the ground somehow. As I flew over the gate and courtyard I looked down and saw a sleeping brown bear. The bear woke up and saw me and started to follow me on they ground, I watched it mesmerised somehow by it's harmlessness.
Just as I realized it was leaping for me I felt time moving slower for me than the bear. The bear had turned into a white polar bear with huge teeth and long claws. I panicked as I realised I was much lower than I thought but it was too late. A huge clawed arm swung at me and I closed my eyes, jerked for the pain and prayed frantically. I felt the swoosh of motion but no pain. I opened my eyes to see that I had moved 3 times higher and out of the bear's reach.
I moved into a room and felt like I was safe. A man in a flannel shirt approached me faintly from across the room. I began to remember that I couldn't trust the situation and I needed to get moving fast to the next door. Just then the man drew closer and I noticed how large and menacing he was. I realized he was the size of the bear. I was too far away from the door. The wall and the bear both suddenly rushed closer and I was jerked through the door by an angel.
These dreams are always an indicator of a spiritual disturbance in me. In looking at where this may be coming from I always first look at the vital spiritual practices and where I may be lapsing. To cut to the chase, I don't see any gaps. What is clear is that I am exposed to the physical allergy because of the medication I'm taking. I don't have any conscience desire to use, but the obsession must be having a field day in my subconscious.
I got a call this afternoon from an atheist friend of mind. We got caught up on things and got into a lively discussion about faith. I let him know that these talks strengthen me in the foundation of my belief and my ability to communicate with those who are struggling with their faith. I might not convince him but I might help someone who is trying to believe. I was grateful to be able to speak to him from a practical perspective and be willing to put faith to the test of reason.
I heard from a brother of mine in Christ tonight. His story about giving served to exhort me to give more selflessly when I feel the Spirit move me.
Tonight my sponsor called me and asked me to stay accountable with him on a daily basis about my medication. I let him know I am taking as little as possible.
I went to a meeting even though I think I will be tired in the morning. A guy that I didn't recognized called me by name and remembered me from our childhood, he is a newcomer. A guy in the meeting shared that he is getting glimpses of feeling human again. I got to speak to a guy that I a taking through the work and we set an appointment for Friday.
The meeting was very powerful.
Just as I realized it was leaping for me I felt time moving slower for me than the bear. The bear had turned into a white polar bear with huge teeth and long claws. I panicked as I realised I was much lower than I thought but it was too late. A huge clawed arm swung at me and I closed my eyes, jerked for the pain and prayed frantically. I felt the swoosh of motion but no pain. I opened my eyes to see that I had moved 3 times higher and out of the bear's reach.
I moved into a room and felt like I was safe. A man in a flannel shirt approached me faintly from across the room. I began to remember that I couldn't trust the situation and I needed to get moving fast to the next door. Just then the man drew closer and I noticed how large and menacing he was. I realized he was the size of the bear. I was too far away from the door. The wall and the bear both suddenly rushed closer and I was jerked through the door by an angel.
These dreams are always an indicator of a spiritual disturbance in me. In looking at where this may be coming from I always first look at the vital spiritual practices and where I may be lapsing. To cut to the chase, I don't see any gaps. What is clear is that I am exposed to the physical allergy because of the medication I'm taking. I don't have any conscience desire to use, but the obsession must be having a field day in my subconscious.
I got a call this afternoon from an atheist friend of mind. We got caught up on things and got into a lively discussion about faith. I let him know that these talks strengthen me in the foundation of my belief and my ability to communicate with those who are struggling with their faith. I might not convince him but I might help someone who is trying to believe. I was grateful to be able to speak to him from a practical perspective and be willing to put faith to the test of reason.
I heard from a brother of mine in Christ tonight. His story about giving served to exhort me to give more selflessly when I feel the Spirit move me.
Tonight my sponsor called me and asked me to stay accountable with him on a daily basis about my medication. I let him know I am taking as little as possible.
I went to a meeting even though I think I will be tired in the morning. A guy that I didn't recognized called me by name and remembered me from our childhood, he is a newcomer. A guy in the meeting shared that he is getting glimpses of feeling human again. I got to speak to a guy that I a taking through the work and we set an appointment for Friday.
The meeting was very powerful.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
This morning I found myself getting resentful at my wife for running late. I blamed it on her overdoing the eents with the kids. I started to think about how this always affects us and our ability to maintain our lives. I had to stop the blamestorming than began to ensue in my mind.
At church I found myself being fault finding with her and my son for going to the bathroom during mass. Particularly right in the middle of important rites. When it came time to give each other a sign of peace she noticed that I seemed irritated. After the mass I made amends and explained that I was having trouble making peace with myself. This is true because I was experiencing excessive anger over something that I merely needed to talk to them objectively about later. I was feeling the need to correct them immediately and with malice.
The interesting thing about this was that the readings and homily were about real contrition, humility and devotion as being the way to God and not self-righteous legalism and judgement of others.
I think I will stop right now and make a better amends.
At church I found myself being fault finding with her and my son for going to the bathroom during mass. Particularly right in the middle of important rites. When it came time to give each other a sign of peace she noticed that I seemed irritated. After the mass I made amends and explained that I was having trouble making peace with myself. This is true because I was experiencing excessive anger over something that I merely needed to talk to them objectively about later. I was feeling the need to correct them immediately and with malice.
The interesting thing about this was that the readings and homily were about real contrition, humility and devotion as being the way to God and not self-righteous legalism and judgement of others.
I think I will stop right now and make a better amends.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Last night I didn't write inventory because I kept trying to do it and getting interrupted and I finally just got so resentful and was exhausted and I couldn't do it.
Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.
I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).
Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.
This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.
While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.
But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.
Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:
Corrective Measures
----------------------------------------------------
I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs
Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.
I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).
Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.
This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.
While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.
But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.
Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:
- Fault-Finding is to be avoided like the plague
- Blame should be eliminated from my vocabulary
- I must be Long Tempered since I have a short fuse
Corrective Measures
----------------------------------------------------
I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Yesterday I thought I may have passed the kidney stone but I'm not certain. I didn't take any medication today. I felt progressively worse, less energy, loss of focus, inability to concentrate and finally exhausted this evening. I think I'm feeling pain but I can't say for sure. I'm afraid the pain is going to have to get suddenly severe like last time before I can be sure.
Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.
I did ok helping customers today.
On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.
Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.
Today was another "Best day of my life".
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------
I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.
Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.
I did ok helping customers today.
On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.
Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.
Today was another "Best day of my life".
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------
I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I got to help a friend today with the experience of working through marital issues.
I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.
I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.
I felt my initiative to help others come back today.
I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.
My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------
I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.
I must think of others more.
I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.
I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.
I felt my initiative to help others come back today.
I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.
My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------
I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.
I must think of others more.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tonight I really felt the strain of not being able to focus on one train of thought at a time. I almost don't even care about my own desires, just to be able to carry through my duties and the requests of my wife an kids without being haranged by another and another. This is probably morbid reflection, self pity and selfishness.
Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.
As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.
Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection
Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.
As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.
Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection
Monday, October 22, 2007
10/23/07 8:00 AM
Yesterday when I got off of work I was exhausted. All I could think about was going to sleep. At home I cooked dinner, got the kids fed, did some cleaning and started to get ready for a meeting. I figured I couldn't make it without a power nap. I laid down at 6:45 and never woke up until 11:50. I went back to bed and slept until the morning and I still had a hard time getting going. I never did an evening review that's why I'm doing it this morning.
The day yesterday was a bit of a down day. I had to catch my slight depression a couple of times during the day. When I did, I sought gratitude and it worked.
At one point in particular I was walking down the street and felt as if I were being sucked into a whirlpool of self pity. I prayed for return of inspired thinking and the thought of well-being through helping others came to mind. I looked around at the people I saw and thought of their suffering and prayed for them. The change I felt was immediate. I felt like I was in a new world. I looked around with a new set of eyes and a new heart and felt joy in my life again.
As I returned home the thought came to mind of the BB quote "who was I to say there is no God?" And a recent inspiration that I haven't thought through came back to mind. I related this to the idea of contempt prior to investigation. I thought of my poor skepticism in light of the limited scope of my research and knowledge on the subject. I thought of my recent observation of the volatile feelings that arise when we talk of spiritual matters with those who don't believe.
I don't remember much of the specific nature of my shortcomings yesterday but I do remember being feeling down and seeking renewal. Sometimes I was slow to act so I could do this better today.
I also didn't call the doctor like I should have so I should do this today.
Yesterday when I got off of work I was exhausted. All I could think about was going to sleep. At home I cooked dinner, got the kids fed, did some cleaning and started to get ready for a meeting. I figured I couldn't make it without a power nap. I laid down at 6:45 and never woke up until 11:50. I went back to bed and slept until the morning and I still had a hard time getting going. I never did an evening review that's why I'm doing it this morning.
The day yesterday was a bit of a down day. I had to catch my slight depression a couple of times during the day. When I did, I sought gratitude and it worked.
At one point in particular I was walking down the street and felt as if I were being sucked into a whirlpool of self pity. I prayed for return of inspired thinking and the thought of well-being through helping others came to mind. I looked around at the people I saw and thought of their suffering and prayed for them. The change I felt was immediate. I felt like I was in a new world. I looked around with a new set of eyes and a new heart and felt joy in my life again.
As I returned home the thought came to mind of the BB quote "who was I to say there is no God?" And a recent inspiration that I haven't thought through came back to mind. I related this to the idea of contempt prior to investigation. I thought of my poor skepticism in light of the limited scope of my research and knowledge on the subject. I thought of my recent observation of the volatile feelings that arise when we talk of spiritual matters with those who don't believe.
I don't remember much of the specific nature of my shortcomings yesterday but I do remember being feeling down and seeking renewal. Sometimes I was slow to act so I could do this better today.
I also didn't call the doctor like I should have so I should do this today.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Last night I was resentful at Christie for getting angry with the baby and the kids every time they woke her up. I was selfish because I didn't consider how many times she had to get up with the baby overnight. I selpt real good while she had to get up every 2 hours, make a bottle, fed the baby and burp her til she was ready to go back to sleep.
This morning I felt frustrated when our middle child wanted his special cup with water which I had just given to little sister with milk. I had to stop my brainstorm and try to be flexible and consider the best solution might be to start over. I washed and switched out cups and everybody was happy. This isn't a big deal except that i considered it a lesson going forward.
I will try to stop when agitated or doubtful and try to be flexible.
Today in reflecting back on the convention I remembered a couple of times when women crossed the boundary of platonic friendliness and acted in a way that offered more. I realized that I haven't been inventorying this and I need to make sure not to ignore it.
This evening I yelled at the kids a couple of times. Once for pouring out half a can of coffee and another time for talking too much.
Christie got frustrated with the church staff today for the chaos in the balcony and for the lack of childcare. I had to resist the impulse to take her inventory and try to fix her inability to focus.
This morning before church I went out on the deck in the springlike morning and had a cup of coffee and studied the scripture readings for the mass.
Fr. James spoke of celebrating All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve and not just celebrating the secular Halloween.
This afternoon Bobby Jr. and I watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings. I reflected how empty a life based on sports scores is. This evening I spent time outside with the kids.
The past few days I've been in regular contact with my sponsor
Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------
I must not yell at the kids in anger
This morning I felt frustrated when our middle child wanted his special cup with water which I had just given to little sister with milk. I had to stop my brainstorm and try to be flexible and consider the best solution might be to start over. I washed and switched out cups and everybody was happy. This isn't a big deal except that i considered it a lesson going forward.
I will try to stop when agitated or doubtful and try to be flexible.
Today in reflecting back on the convention I remembered a couple of times when women crossed the boundary of platonic friendliness and acted in a way that offered more. I realized that I haven't been inventorying this and I need to make sure not to ignore it.
This evening I yelled at the kids a couple of times. Once for pouring out half a can of coffee and another time for talking too much.
Christie got frustrated with the church staff today for the chaos in the balcony and for the lack of childcare. I had to resist the impulse to take her inventory and try to fix her inability to focus.
This morning before church I went out on the deck in the springlike morning and had a cup of coffee and studied the scripture readings for the mass.
Fr. James spoke of celebrating All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve and not just celebrating the secular Halloween.
This afternoon Bobby Jr. and I watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings. I reflected how empty a life based on sports scores is. This evening I spent time outside with the kids.
The past few days I've been in regular contact with my sponsor
Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------
I must not yell at the kids in anger
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Last night I was afraid of the effects of the pain medication for my kidney stone. This morning I realized I was taking the wrong dose, I was taking too much. Today I felt much better taking the correct dose but I felt tired. I think I might be feeling withdrawal. Or I just might have been tired from a very busy week.
I felt the kidney stone several times today but it still didn't come out.
This morning Christie went and told her Co-Anon story at the CA convention. I was very proud of her and listened to it tonight on CD. I took care of the kids with my Mom's help. Every thing went fine and I never yelled at the kids or got resentful to have to take care of them.
Today I got to speak to my newest sponsee about the progress of his inventory work.
This evening I got to go to the convention. At a couple of times I had to watch myself for taking other people's inventory.
I went to a marathon meeting on the 10th step daily inventory.
What I can do better tomorrow
-----------------------------------------
I can plan something special for the kids to do.
I can ...
I felt the kidney stone several times today but it still didn't come out.
This morning Christie went and told her Co-Anon story at the CA convention. I was very proud of her and listened to it tonight on CD. I took care of the kids with my Mom's help. Every thing went fine and I never yelled at the kids or got resentful to have to take care of them.
Today I got to speak to my newest sponsee about the progress of his inventory work.
This evening I got to go to the convention. At a couple of times I had to watch myself for taking other people's inventory.
I went to a marathon meeting on the 10th step daily inventory.
What I can do better tomorrow
-----------------------------------------
I can plan something special for the kids to do.
I can ...
Friday, October 19, 2007
Today I got into a discussion with a coworker about belief in God. I was inspired with an analogy of God and Government. I'm too tired to write about it now but will do so int the SCS blog. During our discussion I had to pray to steady my emotions.
This afternoon the scta website went down due to the bill not getting paid. I was verydistraught as people were trying to look there for convention information. Again I had to turn to God sanity and guidance. I was able to take appropriate action and get it back up.
I got to go to the convention
Tonight I helped Christie with her story.
I got to speak to Eddie
This afternoon the scta website went down due to the bill not getting paid. I was verydistraught as people were trying to look there for convention information. Again I had to turn to God sanity and guidance. I was able to take appropriate action and get it back up.
I got to go to the convention
Tonight I helped Christie with her story.
I got to speak to Eddie
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I woke up on time today and made it to work early.
I was a little resentful at work that there was some gossip about a person who got a dui and missed some days due to jail.
I got to go to the noon AA meeting. I got to meet some more people there including another guy at his very first AA mtg. We read step 11 and tradition 11 in the 12x12. I got to share my experience with one of my favorite steps. About how I learned to think about God in a different way. That I needed to think of God as power to restore, transform, sustain and transform me. About how prayer and meditation were the way that I connect to that power. I would like to make arrangements to be able to take more time to go to the whole meeting or stay later.
I did better at returning calls from sponsees and friends today. I stopped in and saw Rudy after work. I was very happy to hear from my friend Eddie who's moved away. I got to talk to Andy.
What I can do better tomorrow
----------------------------------------------
I can focus more on work at work
I can try to reach ot to people more
I was a little resentful at work that there was some gossip about a person who got a dui and missed some days due to jail.
I got to go to the noon AA meeting. I got to meet some more people there including another guy at his very first AA mtg. We read step 11 and tradition 11 in the 12x12. I got to share my experience with one of my favorite steps. About how I learned to think about God in a different way. That I needed to think of God as power to restore, transform, sustain and transform me. About how prayer and meditation were the way that I connect to that power. I would like to make arrangements to be able to take more time to go to the whole meeting or stay later.
I did better at returning calls from sponsees and friends today. I stopped in and saw Rudy after work. I was very happy to hear from my friend Eddie who's moved away. I got to talk to Andy.
What I can do better tomorrow
----------------------------------------------
I can focus more on work at work
I can try to reach ot to people more
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
This morning I found an AA meeting downtown at noon, 2 blocks from my job. There was a guy there for his very first AA meeting. He was very troubled at having lost his kids. he talked about how his daughter encouraged him to get sober.
Today I finally went to the doctor for my kidney stone. He found it, gave me a diagnosis and prescription. Hopefully I won 't have to have surgery.
Tonight I had to make a decision about going to a meeting or getting to bed on time and doing an evening review. Last night i went to my last Bible study. The past 3 nights I have been late getting to bed. The last 3 mornings I have had trouble getting up and this morning didn't have time to pray.
I hear AA speakers say that if you don't find shortcomings in your day then you aren't doing a thorough review. I agree about being thorough but sometimes I think that digging for the slightest imperfections on good days is like looking the gift horse in the mouth. It's like not being grateful for God's grace.
I know that I am not perfect but when I don't find major points of resentment, fear, dishonesty, or selfishness. I don't think I need to nitpick my day to death. I think there is enough merit in what good things happen and areas that can be improved even though I don't find character defects cropping up. Maybe that's it. I have been limiting myself to corrective measures when "what I could do better" also encompasses improving effectiveness even on good days.
Corrective Measures/What I can do better
----------------------------------------------------------------
I can call more people in my fellowship
I can grow in patience with my family
I can be a better example of a person of faith
I can be more enthusiastic about sponsoring
Today I finally went to the doctor for my kidney stone. He found it, gave me a diagnosis and prescription. Hopefully I won 't have to have surgery.
Tonight I had to make a decision about going to a meeting or getting to bed on time and doing an evening review. Last night i went to my last Bible study. The past 3 nights I have been late getting to bed. The last 3 mornings I have had trouble getting up and this morning didn't have time to pray.
I hear AA speakers say that if you don't find shortcomings in your day then you aren't doing a thorough review. I agree about being thorough but sometimes I think that digging for the slightest imperfections on good days is like looking the gift horse in the mouth. It's like not being grateful for God's grace.
I know that I am not perfect but when I don't find major points of resentment, fear, dishonesty, or selfishness. I don't think I need to nitpick my day to death. I think there is enough merit in what good things happen and areas that can be improved even though I don't find character defects cropping up. Maybe that's it. I have been limiting myself to corrective measures when "what I could do better" also encompasses improving effectiveness even on good days.
Corrective Measures/What I can do better
----------------------------------------------------------------
I can call more people in my fellowship
I can grow in patience with my family
I can be a better example of a person of faith
I can be more enthusiastic about sponsoring
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
This morning I woke up so tired that it hurt. I had to restrain myself from blaming Christie. I had to see that my wellness was threatened. This was where my blamestorm came from. I sought gratitude for a good wife as my remedy. I resolved to see that I am responsible for my sleep but that my pain would pass and the time with her last night was worth it.
Today I criticized her for spending money on portraits of Eva when she sent me an email with links to the pictures. When I came home I apologized and enjoyed the pictures with her. I let my financial fear come between us. I looked at how I haven't done anything to use our resources to take portraits.
This evening Christie had to help a couple through a difficult problem. Their child was harming them in his addiction and they had to call the police and conront him. They also needed help with kids. I was very proud of her for helping them. We got to share our experience with them together.
Tonight we shared the scripture study on psalm 22 from my last class. It is a scripture about tests of our faith in times of suffering. It was synchronous with the evening's events. We prayed together before bed. I was too tired to do this review but woke up later with the baby.
When I have hardship I will strive to see that I will come out stronger in faith in the end.
I will remember the desparation I felt in my suffering and continue to serve the Lord effectively in gratitude and joy.
Today I criticized her for spending money on portraits of Eva when she sent me an email with links to the pictures. When I came home I apologized and enjoyed the pictures with her. I let my financial fear come between us. I looked at how I haven't done anything to use our resources to take portraits.
This evening Christie had to help a couple through a difficult problem. Their child was harming them in his addiction and they had to call the police and conront him. They also needed help with kids. I was very proud of her for helping them. We got to share our experience with them together.
Tonight we shared the scripture study on psalm 22 from my last class. It is a scripture about tests of our faith in times of suffering. It was synchronous with the evening's events. We prayed together before bed. I was too tired to do this review but woke up later with the baby.
When I have hardship I will strive to see that I will come out stronger in faith in the end.
I will remember the desparation I felt in my suffering and continue to serve the Lord effectively in gratitude and joy.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Tonight I experienced one of the frequent things that frustrates me today. Several times I had an inspired sequence of thoughts that I wanted to follow through and to write about but I was interrupted by a family need.
This afternoon we all had a great time playing in the back yard. I stayed home with the family since I was very late getting to sleep last night. This brings up a recurring dilemma I have of whether to go to meetings or stay home with the family. I am too tired to write about it. I had lots of thoughts about it earlier but I am worn out andbrain dead now.
This afternoon we all had a great time playing in the back yard. I stayed home with the family since I was very late getting to sleep last night. This brings up a recurring dilemma I have of whether to go to meetings or stay home with the family. I am too tired to write about it. I had lots of thoughts about it earlier but I am worn out andbrain dead now.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
We all had a good morning waking up early and getting off to a good start. I felt tired after the work we did yesterday and from being sick. I had a moment where I almost went into fear mode but after a little nap I woke up refreshed and we made it to church early.
We had a good experience there. There was no daycare so Ivan had to sit with us. He hasn't sat through mass with us more than once or twice and his learning delay makes it a potential disaster but it went realy well. The kids all did good and Christie and I finished out the morning feeling very optimistic about the progress of our family.
During the day Christie blurted out some gripes about some things Bobby and I did and it got me thinking about some rules for behavior in our home.
Today I did some long term cleaning and cleaned up some of my wifes stuff. I couldn't help but go into fault finding mode as I was very frustrated with the clutter and highly motivated to clean it now.
Again I thought about rules and realized that we don't have any clearly defined house rules.
My parents came over this afternoon and we all had a great time watching the Dallas game, eating Pollo Regio, and visiting.
My Failings Today
-----------------------------------------------------
I was fault finding of Christie
I was inconsiderate with her stuff
I was short with Bobby
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------------
I should apologize to Christie for the trouble I have caused her by cleaning up and being inconsiderate of where I put her stuff.
I must be very obective about how I present my ideas for the house rules to her and restrain myself no matter how she reacts.
I must continue to work at treating the kids with respect and sensitivity and restrain my anger.
We had a good experience there. There was no daycare so Ivan had to sit with us. He hasn't sat through mass with us more than once or twice and his learning delay makes it a potential disaster but it went realy well. The kids all did good and Christie and I finished out the morning feeling very optimistic about the progress of our family.
During the day Christie blurted out some gripes about some things Bobby and I did and it got me thinking about some rules for behavior in our home.
Today I did some long term cleaning and cleaned up some of my wifes stuff. I couldn't help but go into fault finding mode as I was very frustrated with the clutter and highly motivated to clean it now.
Again I thought about rules and realized that we don't have any clearly defined house rules.
My parents came over this afternoon and we all had a great time watching the Dallas game, eating Pollo Regio, and visiting.
My Failings Today
-----------------------------------------------------
I was fault finding of Christie
I was inconsiderate with her stuff
I was short with Bobby
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------------
I should apologize to Christie for the trouble I have caused her by cleaning up and being inconsiderate of where I put her stuff.
I must be very obective about how I present my ideas for the house rules to her and restrain myself no matter how she reacts.
I must continue to work at treating the kids with respect and sensitivity and restrain my anger.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Last night I woke up with terrible bladder pains. I thought the kidney stone problem was over but apparently not. I was afraid of continuing to be sick, taking medication, missing work and the financial costs.
Today I also had problems with the respiratory virus/infection whatever it is that I have. I was tired and slept on and off all morning in between taking care of the kids. I was afraid of disappointing my wife. I was afraid of not getting the yardwork done. I was afraid of not getting any other errands done. I talked to Christie about my fears.
Later I was able to go and get the haircut I've been needing. I was able to do some cleaning done in the house. Christie nudged me outside and suggested her and the kids help me do just a little yardwork. I ended up doing the mowing and raking leaves which were the 2 major things I needed to get done.
I spent some time playing hacky washers with Bobby. I spent some time guiding Eva and Ivan riding bikes. Christie joined us with baby sophie.
Tonight I got to go to the meeting even though I didn't feel good. The topic was the Sane Sex Ideal. I didn't get to share but a lot of people did.
Afterward I thought o some things I am grateful for that this part of the inventory gives me.
I am free from the irritability of living with unrealized expectations.
I am free from the bondage of a dependency on an unhealthy set of desires.
I am able to be a partner in a real relationship based on love and trust and mutual respect.
I get to have my will aligned with the way that works best and makes sense out of this life.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------------------
I will trust God with my fears and know that they will pass if I use the tools and trudge through them.
I will continue to seek guidance and rely on God for a sane sex life.
I will work on treating my wife kinder and respectfully.
I will look into the right actions and follow directions for treating my medical conditions.
Today I also had problems with the respiratory virus/infection whatever it is that I have. I was tired and slept on and off all morning in between taking care of the kids. I was afraid of disappointing my wife. I was afraid of not getting the yardwork done. I was afraid of not getting any other errands done. I talked to Christie about my fears.
Later I was able to go and get the haircut I've been needing. I was able to do some cleaning done in the house. Christie nudged me outside and suggested her and the kids help me do just a little yardwork. I ended up doing the mowing and raking leaves which were the 2 major things I needed to get done.
I spent some time playing hacky washers with Bobby. I spent some time guiding Eva and Ivan riding bikes. Christie joined us with baby sophie.
Tonight I got to go to the meeting even though I didn't feel good. The topic was the Sane Sex Ideal. I didn't get to share but a lot of people did.
Afterward I thought o some things I am grateful for that this part of the inventory gives me.
I am free from the irritability of living with unrealized expectations.
I am free from the bondage of a dependency on an unhealthy set of desires.
I am able to be a partner in a real relationship based on love and trust and mutual respect.
I get to have my will aligned with the way that works best and makes sense out of this life.
Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------------------
I will trust God with my fears and know that they will pass if I use the tools and trudge through them.
I will continue to seek guidance and rely on God for a sane sex life.
I will work on treating my wife kinder and respectfully.
I will look into the right actions and follow directions for treating my medical conditions.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Today I didn't take the pain medicine for my kidney. At mid morning I thought I felt pain but It wasn't bad enough to be clear. After that I didn't feel any kidney or bladder pain all day, so I think it has passed.
I did however experience general discomfort, tiredness, stiffness and kind of a feverish feeling that grew as they passed. I think my body i experiencing some withdrawal. Tonight after dinner I passed out and missed my meeting. I slept restlessly and felt like I was struggling to stay awake in my sleep. Then I woke up and didn't feel rested.
When I look back at the balance of the day however, I feel positive. I think my trial with the kidney stone is over. I didn't have to take al the medication. I have a great job and had a great day in which I was busy and useful again. I had quality time with the family at story time tonight. I thought of God and religion and helping others most of the day.
Tonight Christie and I were able to talk about recovery and working with others and our respective programs.
I did however experience general discomfort, tiredness, stiffness and kind of a feverish feeling that grew as they passed. I think my body i experiencing some withdrawal. Tonight after dinner I passed out and missed my meeting. I slept restlessly and felt like I was struggling to stay awake in my sleep. Then I woke up and didn't feel rested.
When I look back at the balance of the day however, I feel positive. I think my trial with the kidney stone is over. I didn't have to take al the medication. I have a great job and had a great day in which I was busy and useful again. I had quality time with the family at story time tonight. I thought of God and religion and helping others most of the day.
Tonight Christie and I were able to talk about recovery and working with others and our respective programs.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Last night I had bad dreams. I didn't remember them clearly in the morning but I woke up several times with flashes of nightmares. I think God protected me from experiencing them with clear memories in my conscious thought. What little I remember was that they were very frightening and seemed to involve attacks from malevolent spirits on a different plane of existence. I attribute the disturbance to the drugs I'm having to take for my kidneys.
I tried to stop taking the medication this morning but took it at mid-morning when I thought I felt suspicious pain come back. I feel uncertain as to whether the stone is passed.
Today I was very busy the entire day at work. I was blessed with usefulness.
This evening I was very tired and can't wait to get to bed. It seems to have been an uneventful day. I didn't get angry or resentful with anyone. I thought about gratitude alot and about Kevin and about God and other friends and my family and my wife. I didn't really have any time to do anything tonight as I didn't get off work until 5:30 and I had to take care of the kids tonight while Christie went to her meeting.
I was getting my stuff ready for tomorrow and I saw a program on that disturbed me. It was a seemingly harmless show about Austin. But I saw people who's lives revolve around Godless pursuits. I saw people who spend all their time caring for bats and other animals. Not that there's anything wrong with these activities per se, but it was the amount of effort, time, resources and adoration that went into these things that caught my attention. I see this differently now. I see how people substitute relationships with animals for people.
I saw a freemasonry temple luring in children with theatre programs and teaching them to center their attention around what makes them feel good. I saw how people try and feed their spiritual needs and pursue moral ways of life in ways that are empty and devoid of real love and fulfillment.
I wasn't so much focused on those people but on the way they live and how I lived for so long. I see how the enemy works.
I pray to continue to be willing.
I tried to stop taking the medication this morning but took it at mid-morning when I thought I felt suspicious pain come back. I feel uncertain as to whether the stone is passed.
Today I was very busy the entire day at work. I was blessed with usefulness.
This evening I was very tired and can't wait to get to bed. It seems to have been an uneventful day. I didn't get angry or resentful with anyone. I thought about gratitude alot and about Kevin and about God and other friends and my family and my wife. I didn't really have any time to do anything tonight as I didn't get off work until 5:30 and I had to take care of the kids tonight while Christie went to her meeting.
I was getting my stuff ready for tomorrow and I saw a program on that disturbed me. It was a seemingly harmless show about Austin. But I saw people who's lives revolve around Godless pursuits. I saw people who spend all their time caring for bats and other animals. Not that there's anything wrong with these activities per se, but it was the amount of effort, time, resources and adoration that went into these things that caught my attention. I see this differently now. I see how people substitute relationships with animals for people.
I saw a freemasonry temple luring in children with theatre programs and teaching them to center their attention around what makes them feel good. I saw how people try and feed their spiritual needs and pursue moral ways of life in ways that are empty and devoid of real love and fulfillment.
I wasn't so much focused on those people but on the way they live and how I lived for so long. I see how the enemy works.
I pray to continue to be willing.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
This morning I thought I may have passed my kidney stone but I couldn't be absolutely certain. At midday I thought about stopping taking my medication. I all but made up my mind. At the end of the day, I talked to my sponsor about it and he pointed out to me that I was not following the doctor's directions. That I had to be certain that It was passed or I may have a worse consequence and a more prolonged period of medication.
Tonight I made certain to attend to my recovery program. Actually God did for me what I couldn't do for myself in that I ha forgotten that my schedule has been shifted later tomorrow. So that ended my internal debate over whether or not to go to a meeting.
Today at work I took more initiative to take other guy's calls. I was very busy all day and hed to solve problems that helped me to learn more. I just felt an overall sense of renewed confidence in my prospect of being able to learn the system well enough to have dealers assigned to me at the end of the month.
I didn't idle and surf at work today.
Tonight at the meeting I felt confident to take notes and talk about the reading from Bill's story. I'm not sure how well understood I was but I didn't regret what I shared. I think my perspective on this was more limited than usual. But it was still my genuine experience.
Tonight Kevin helped me reflect on "knowing Jesus" more. I find that He is a real person that is with me often. I sense what he looks like and his expressions and his mannerisms. I feel his presence and guidance and companionship. I lie in the arms of the father often. He is older and very wise and powerful. I feel secure and loved by his countenance. I feel infused wih the Holy Spirit. Like a rush of cool air that illuminates me. I don't know the scriptures well, I don't have many years of experience. But I have this time with him every night and every morning.
God, thank you for blessing me with your love.
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I should be a better demonstration of my faith at work
I should be more kind and loving to my wife
I should be patient with the kids
I should set aside my desires and find joy in my work at home
I should check my willfullness in spiritual advice and matters
Tonight I made certain to attend to my recovery program. Actually God did for me what I couldn't do for myself in that I ha forgotten that my schedule has been shifted later tomorrow. So that ended my internal debate over whether or not to go to a meeting.
Today at work I took more initiative to take other guy's calls. I was very busy all day and hed to solve problems that helped me to learn more. I just felt an overall sense of renewed confidence in my prospect of being able to learn the system well enough to have dealers assigned to me at the end of the month.
I didn't idle and surf at work today.
Tonight at the meeting I felt confident to take notes and talk about the reading from Bill's story. I'm not sure how well understood I was but I didn't regret what I shared. I think my perspective on this was more limited than usual. But it was still my genuine experience.
Tonight Kevin helped me reflect on "knowing Jesus" more. I find that He is a real person that is with me often. I sense what he looks like and his expressions and his mannerisms. I feel his presence and guidance and companionship. I lie in the arms of the father often. He is older and very wise and powerful. I feel secure and loved by his countenance. I feel infused wih the Holy Spirit. Like a rush of cool air that illuminates me. I don't know the scriptures well, I don't have many years of experience. But I have this time with him every night and every morning.
God, thank you for blessing me with your love.
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I should be a better demonstration of my faith at work
I should be more kind and loving to my wife
I should be patient with the kids
I should set aside my desires and find joy in my work at home
I should check my willfullness in spiritual advice and matters
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Last night I had to go to the emergency room for my kidney stone. I had to leave work at three fifteen after enduring the discomfort for an hour. By the time I was halfway home I could barely drive. Walking down the street from my building and driving in my truck I was conscious of other people seeing me grimacing in excrutiating pain. By the time I got home I was buckled over and writhing in agony. I should have just gone straight to the emergency room on the way home but out of stubborn adherence to my plan to stick it out until I got insurance I didn't. Thinking back on this I see again where I need to get quicker to be flexible in order to make better decisions. I also see that I should have gone to the doctor after the attack last week.
I took vicodin for the pain when I got home. I was conserned that I may have been too cavalier about taking a narcotic or that maybe I shouldn't have taken it at all. But when I reviewed my decision later I realized that this was the type of situation that does merit extreme measures. I had this discussion with my sponsor before.
Today I was laying in bed nodding off from the Norco that was prescribed for me and I was thinking about how I don't really like narcotics and how I don't really get high off them and how I don't really like the nodding and the nausea that I was feeling at the time. Then a funny thought crossed my mind; "I want to feel like this all the time!". I almost didn't catch it. I was dozing and the thought seemed to be under the surface of the waterline of consciousness. I stopped and took stock of this thought. Even though I don't like narcotics, the physical allergy was triggered and my addict mind wanted more.
So right now as I write this, I stopped and started to pray for the thought of getting high to be removed. Then I remembered that I have a prayer written for just that purpose. So took a look at it and prayed it and edited it.
Today I found my self being less than gracious to Christie for her faults.
I realized that I have a low grade irritability with the kids.
I even found myself being slightly intolerant with my mom.
Tonight I went to the 5th Bible study of the 6 week course. We had a discussion afterward about what types of courses they are thinking about offering next. I wish they would do a study of the Sunday scripture reading and the daily readings related to Sunday's. Perhaps someday I can help lead something like this. Perhaps someday it can become a Catholic institution that studies of the weekly scriptures be the primary type of Catholic Bible study.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------------
I will strive to grow deeper in patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love.
I will strive to be slower to anger and quicker to show love.
I will strive to be quicker to be flexible and be willing to change direction.
I will focus on learning and being helpful at work rather than surfing and waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
I will be mindful that right now I am under the influence even though it is prescribed. That I am close to relapse right now due to this and also other things that are cutting my addiction therapy short. That even though these things may be necessary and God ordained I am still going to be affected by these circumstances. I cannot take these things for granted, I must take inventory, be accountable and ask God for power, to ensure that relapse will not happen.
Thank God for his Grace.
I took vicodin for the pain when I got home. I was conserned that I may have been too cavalier about taking a narcotic or that maybe I shouldn't have taken it at all. But when I reviewed my decision later I realized that this was the type of situation that does merit extreme measures. I had this discussion with my sponsor before.
Today I was laying in bed nodding off from the Norco that was prescribed for me and I was thinking about how I don't really like narcotics and how I don't really get high off them and how I don't really like the nodding and the nausea that I was feeling at the time. Then a funny thought crossed my mind; "I want to feel like this all the time!". I almost didn't catch it. I was dozing and the thought seemed to be under the surface of the waterline of consciousness. I stopped and took stock of this thought. Even though I don't like narcotics, the physical allergy was triggered and my addict mind wanted more.
So right now as I write this, I stopped and started to pray for the thought of getting high to be removed. Then I remembered that I have a prayer written for just that purpose. So took a look at it and prayed it and edited it.
Today I found my self being less than gracious to Christie for her faults.
I realized that I have a low grade irritability with the kids.
I even found myself being slightly intolerant with my mom.
Tonight I went to the 5th Bible study of the 6 week course. We had a discussion afterward about what types of courses they are thinking about offering next. I wish they would do a study of the Sunday scripture reading and the daily readings related to Sunday's. Perhaps someday I can help lead something like this. Perhaps someday it can become a Catholic institution that studies of the weekly scriptures be the primary type of Catholic Bible study.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------------
I will strive to grow deeper in patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love.
I will strive to be slower to anger and quicker to show love.
I will strive to be quicker to be flexible and be willing to change direction.
I will focus on learning and being helpful at work rather than surfing and waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
I will be mindful that right now I am under the influence even though it is prescribed. That I am close to relapse right now due to this and also other things that are cutting my addiction therapy short. That even though these things may be necessary and God ordained I am still going to be affected by these circumstances. I cannot take these things for granted, I must take inventory, be accountable and ask God for power, to ensure that relapse will not happen.
Thank God for his Grace.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Tonight as I sat down for this review I prayerfully considered what I was about to undertake. In so doing my train of thought led me to pray to the Holy Spirit. I prayed that i breathe in the Holy Spirit and be cleansed of my shortcomings today and be renewed for the evening. For a good night's sleep to be renewed for tomorrow. To be able to start anew tomorrow and be prepared to be of maximum effectiveness for God.
I was sick this morning and had to go back to bed after feeding the kids. I felt very weak and slept very hard. I was afraid that I might not make it to mass and this would be two weeks in a row. Christie got mad at me for leaving the kids unattended in their room and going to bed.
We were able to make it to mass. I was grateful to be there but was so distracted that I forgot that I would be taking communion up until just before. As I said "amen" and took the Eucharist time seemed to slow down and go into "ghost echo" mode like in the movies. As I walked away the wafer I felt the wafer break slowly into large peices in my mouth and I experienced a moment of ecstacy and gratitude. I felt a wave of emotion come over me and I almost cried in gratitude for what God has done for me.
Later today I was cautious abot getting rest and not overexerting myself so I wouldn't get sicker and so I would make it to work ok. I was remorseful about not getting the yardwork done. Now that I look back I realize that I was again afraid of losing time. I recall that I have resolved to pray to have the fear of losing time removed.
I was sick this morning and had to go back to bed after feeding the kids. I felt very weak and slept very hard. I was afraid that I might not make it to mass and this would be two weeks in a row. Christie got mad at me for leaving the kids unattended in their room and going to bed.
We were able to make it to mass. I was grateful to be there but was so distracted that I forgot that I would be taking communion up until just before. As I said "amen" and took the Eucharist time seemed to slow down and go into "ghost echo" mode like in the movies. As I walked away the wafer I felt the wafer break slowly into large peices in my mouth and I experienced a moment of ecstacy and gratitude. I felt a wave of emotion come over me and I almost cried in gratitude for what God has done for me.
Later today I was cautious abot getting rest and not overexerting myself so I wouldn't get sicker and so I would make it to work ok. I was remorseful about not getting the yardwork done. Now that I look back I realize that I was again afraid of losing time. I recall that I have resolved to pray to have the fear of losing time removed.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
This morning when I was praying I realized that I haven't been able to effectively or consistently do the contemplative part of my meditation for some time now. So I put in the time and experienced how my ability to stop my thoughts and focus on contact with God has become very distracted. I was grateful that I was able to do it eventually.
Later we went to Lady Bird Lake park. My wife and I took the kids for a walk and they loved it. I reflected on how much my perspective has changed and how I love to do little family stuff like that now.
I was afraid today of letting my oldest son go 400+ miles to Midland with my parents today. I almost called it off and felt very justified in this. My son told my wife that he really wanted to go because he really wanted to see my sister (his aunt) because she is so far away and he needs to stay connected with family. When my Dad came over he was really concerned that my son might change his mind and really wanted him to go. I was grateful for guidance to set aside my fear.
Tonight I went to the Stepping Stones meeting but not before going through some internal dialog about whether or not to go. I decided to go out of a sense of obligation. As soon as I left the house I was struck with enthusiasm. Several people shared a similar experience. It's one that I commonly hear. The topic was the last 2 pages of We Agnostics. In the story the man hears an inner voice. I reflected on how this is evidence of a spiritual archetype. I had an inner voice all along when I was agnostic. When I had my revelation, I felt the presence of God had been in me all along. My belief felt absolutely true because I knew all along.
Someone shared about how they always answer their phone at work for calls from the felolowship.
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
I should start answering the phone and returning my calls
I should become willing again to go to a meeting every day
I should call my sponsees
Later we went to Lady Bird Lake park. My wife and I took the kids for a walk and they loved it. I reflected on how much my perspective has changed and how I love to do little family stuff like that now.
I was afraid today of letting my oldest son go 400+ miles to Midland with my parents today. I almost called it off and felt very justified in this. My son told my wife that he really wanted to go because he really wanted to see my sister (his aunt) because she is so far away and he needs to stay connected with family. When my Dad came over he was really concerned that my son might change his mind and really wanted him to go. I was grateful for guidance to set aside my fear.
Tonight I went to the Stepping Stones meeting but not before going through some internal dialog about whether or not to go. I decided to go out of a sense of obligation. As soon as I left the house I was struck with enthusiasm. Several people shared a similar experience. It's one that I commonly hear. The topic was the last 2 pages of We Agnostics. In the story the man hears an inner voice. I reflected on how this is evidence of a spiritual archetype. I had an inner voice all along when I was agnostic. When I had my revelation, I felt the presence of God had been in me all along. My belief felt absolutely true because I knew all along.
Someone shared about how they always answer their phone at work for calls from the felolowship.
Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
I should start answering the phone and returning my calls
I should become willing again to go to a meeting every day
I should call my sponsees
Friday, October 5, 2007
In looking at my day I thought of a low grade fear that I have of what people think of me in my work. I guess you could call it vocational insecurity. I feel a general sense of discomfort and low self-esteem over my lack of mastery of job skills at my new job.
- fear
Last night after work there was a company social event at a downtown bar. Two of the guys at work were feeling under the weather. Both of them talked about going other places after the event which meant more drinking. Neither of them acknowledged a connection between more drinking and the way they felt. I saw the way that the "power of the effect" deludes our thinking so that our minds defend us from the truth about the consequences of drinking. I can't say that these guys are alcoholics but I can see how anyone can be affected and perhaps this points to the fact that alcoholism can be developed. That it doesn't have to be inherent. That it can come from toxification
- I was grateful that I don't suffer from that delusion today
Tonight I got to work with Robert to get him to step 3. We discussed the points, asked the questions, said the prayers.
- I was grateful for the opportunity for spiritual vitalization
I got to go to Circle and Triangle tonight. It was the first time I got to go to a mtg in the new place at Cumberland. The topic was step 11.
Corrective Measures
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I pray that Go remove my fear of vocational insecurity
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Last night I lost sleep frfom the baby waking up. I had to sleep on the couch. I was a little tired today but my body just seems to have more resilience to lost sleep these days. That's unusual because in the last years of my addiction I had a terrible time with fatigue. I've also had a difficult time being tired alot in the first years of my sobriety. I sometimes expect to be a certain level of tired but find I am not.
I will not fear losing sleep.
I will resist getting resentful and blaming anyone.
This morning I continued to think about my first step and powerlessness. I thought more about how the obsession drives the mental blank spot. I also thought more about how the obsession became my spiritual experience. About how no other experience could compare to the experience that I got from the high. I remembered that in the early days the high was an enhancement to my desires, activities, entertainment and thought. But as the high gained power it became the experience. I also thought about how the highs combined and accelerated each other exponentially to get a tighter, overwhelming grip on my will.
I ceased to do them because I wanted to but because I had to. The obsession became so powerful that it overwhelmed my natural fears, regret, caution, prudence, inhibition and safegaurds. The obsession rewrote my inherent programming and overpowered the desire to live with the obsession to feel. My ability to think, reason and judge were so severly affected as to make it impossible to judge the true from the false.
That is why the only solution for me is a super-natural power.
Today at work I was blessed with inspration and good ideas.
I got into a discussion with the guys at work about how having children is going to save our culture. I was able to give practical reasons why this is important and stay objective in the face of strong opinions against this. I was also able to let it stand without having to feel some cnclusion or win the argument.
When I left work I gave the homeless man some spare change. I resisted the impulse to question myself.
Tonight I got angry and yelled at Bobby and later at Ivan. I had to apologize to both of them and ease their discomfort.
Corrective Measures
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Tomorrow I will defend my kids from me
Tomorrow I will look for an opportunity to help someone
Tomorrow I will answer my phone at work and return calls
I will not fear losing sleep.
I will resist getting resentful and blaming anyone.
This morning I continued to think about my first step and powerlessness. I thought more about how the obsession drives the mental blank spot. I also thought more about how the obsession became my spiritual experience. About how no other experience could compare to the experience that I got from the high. I remembered that in the early days the high was an enhancement to my desires, activities, entertainment and thought. But as the high gained power it became the experience. I also thought about how the highs combined and accelerated each other exponentially to get a tighter, overwhelming grip on my will.
I ceased to do them because I wanted to but because I had to. The obsession became so powerful that it overwhelmed my natural fears, regret, caution, prudence, inhibition and safegaurds. The obsession rewrote my inherent programming and overpowered the desire to live with the obsession to feel. My ability to think, reason and judge were so severly affected as to make it impossible to judge the true from the false.
That is why the only solution for me is a super-natural power.
Today at work I was blessed with inspration and good ideas.
I got into a discussion with the guys at work about how having children is going to save our culture. I was able to give practical reasons why this is important and stay objective in the face of strong opinions against this. I was also able to let it stand without having to feel some cnclusion or win the argument.
When I left work I gave the homeless man some spare change. I resisted the impulse to question myself.
Tonight I got angry and yelled at Bobby and later at Ivan. I had to apologize to both of them and ease their discomfort.
Corrective Measures
--------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I will defend my kids from me
Tomorrow I will look for an opportunity to help someone
Tomorrow I will answer my phone at work and return calls
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
This morning I prayed for relief from my bladder problem. I asked God to help me get through the morning and if it be his will to heal me of this problem. The pain stopped shortly after my morning prayers. I had some minor pressure later but nothing serious.
This afternoon I got to go to a meeting. The topic was step 1, the allergy. I spoke about how it helped me to understand this and explained things for me. I didn't bring to mind the 3 parts of powerlessness as I see it, allergy, obsession, blank spot.
Tonight I had to resist getting resentful at my wife for getting angry with the kids. I tried o encourage her not to vent anger at them. I felt that I have to resist trying to fix her but that I have to step in to help the kids. I tried to identify with her and let her know that I am just as prone to the same irritability but that we have to resist expressing it to the children.
I reflected last night that there are so many experiences that I experience and fail to capture in my review. I sometimes miss or dismiss the most important things to review. I also forget some of the best moments of gratitude and epiphany. I regret this and hope be able to cut through the confusion of daily life going forward.
Thy will be done.
Corrective measures
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I should think more tomorrow about the man who is still sick
I should reach out to my cousin, brother and sister and call them regularly
I should try to record my thoughts and shortcomings more regularly
This afternoon I got to go to a meeting. The topic was step 1, the allergy. I spoke about how it helped me to understand this and explained things for me. I didn't bring to mind the 3 parts of powerlessness as I see it, allergy, obsession, blank spot.
Tonight I had to resist getting resentful at my wife for getting angry with the kids. I tried o encourage her not to vent anger at them. I felt that I have to resist trying to fix her but that I have to step in to help the kids. I tried to identify with her and let her know that I am just as prone to the same irritability but that we have to resist expressing it to the children.
I reflected last night that there are so many experiences that I experience and fail to capture in my review. I sometimes miss or dismiss the most important things to review. I also forget some of the best moments of gratitude and epiphany. I regret this and hope be able to cut through the confusion of daily life going forward.
Thy will be done.
Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------------
I should think more tomorrow about the man who is still sick
I should reach out to my cousin, brother and sister and call them regularly
I should try to record my thoughts and shortcomings more regularly
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
This morning the people at work were very kind to me in giving me congrats on the new baby girl. They sent me flowers at home for the birth.
Today I had pains in my bladder from my kidney stone again, I think it's time to go to the doctor. Tonight I realized that I hadn't thought to pray about it. I should pray for God to heal me.
This afternoon I ran into the homeless person on the street in front of our building. I recently had an experience where I stopped and gave him a dollar. But today when he asked me for spare change I didn't give him anything. Afterward I regretted it.
As I was driving home and thinking about it I heard a reference to the parable of the rich man who denied the beggar named Lazarus at his door. I thought about how I have been blessed with riches in my job and how the homeless person is the beggar "at my door". Then I saw a person on th sidewalk giving the fat bum with the shopping cart at first and Ben White a bag of food. Next the discussion on the radio turned to giving aid to the homeless. Tonight at our Bible study someone mentioned Fr. James's recent homily about giving and how we should give when we can without questioning the motives of the person in need.
Corrective Measures
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I should have a kinder spirit to the person in need and be ready to give.
I should remember to pray for my wife when I think she doesn't support my meeting attendance.
I should remember to pray for healing when I have medical problems.
I should thank the people at work for their wishes and the flowers.
Today I had pains in my bladder from my kidney stone again, I think it's time to go to the doctor. Tonight I realized that I hadn't thought to pray about it. I should pray for God to heal me.
This afternoon I ran into the homeless person on the street in front of our building. I recently had an experience where I stopped and gave him a dollar. But today when he asked me for spare change I didn't give him anything. Afterward I regretted it.
As I was driving home and thinking about it I heard a reference to the parable of the rich man who denied the beggar named Lazarus at his door. I thought about how I have been blessed with riches in my job and how the homeless person is the beggar "at my door". Then I saw a person on th sidewalk giving the fat bum with the shopping cart at first and Ben White a bag of food. Next the discussion on the radio turned to giving aid to the homeless. Tonight at our Bible study someone mentioned Fr. James's recent homily about giving and how we should give when we can without questioning the motives of the person in need.
Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------------------------------
I should have a kinder spirit to the person in need and be ready to give.
I should remember to pray for my wife when I think she doesn't support my meeting attendance.
I should remember to pray for healing when I have medical problems.
I should thank the people at work for their wishes and the flowers.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Tonight I am resentful that my wife always seems to get exhausted and sick right before my meeting time.
Today my wife came home with the baby safe and healthy. I have to remind myself that she just gave birth and she is still recovering. I also need to grateful that God blessed us with such a smooth birth that I am taking it for granted.
I am being selfish in thinking only about my needs and desires.
Today I got to hear some of the popes words about the parable of the rich man and the beggar named Lazarus on his doorstep. I am grateful that I can meditate on the liturgy of the word in communion with the entire church. That I get to hear several many great teachers talk about it during the week.
Gotta get to bed.
Today my wife came home with the baby safe and healthy. I have to remind myself that she just gave birth and she is still recovering. I also need to grateful that God blessed us with such a smooth birth that I am taking it for granted.
I am being selfish in thinking only about my needs and desires.
Today I got to hear some of the popes words about the parable of the rich man and the beggar named Lazarus on his doorstep. I am grateful that I can meditate on the liturgy of the word in communion with the entire church. That I get to hear several many great teachers talk about it during the week.
Gotta get to bed.