Last night I lost sleep frfom the baby waking up. I had to sleep on the couch. I was a little tired today but my body just seems to have more resilience to lost sleep these days. That's unusual because in the last years of my addiction I had a terrible time with fatigue. I've also had a difficult time being tired alot in the first years of my sobriety. I sometimes expect to be a certain level of tired but find I am not.

I will not fear losing sleep.
I will resist getting resentful and blaming anyone.

This morning I continued to think about my first step and powerlessness. I thought more about how the obsession drives the mental blank spot. I also thought more about how the obsession became my spiritual experience. About how no other experience could compare to the experience that I got from the high. I remembered that in the early days the high was an enhancement to my desires, activities, entertainment and thought. But as the high gained power it became the experience. I also thought about how the highs combined and accelerated each other exponentially to get a tighter, overwhelming grip on my will.

I ceased to do them because I wanted to but because I had to. The obsession became so powerful that it overwhelmed my natural fears, regret, caution, prudence, inhibition and safegaurds. The obsession rewrote my inherent programming and overpowered the desire to live with the obsession to feel. My ability to think, reason and judge were so severly affected as to make it impossible to judge the true from the false.

That is why the only solution for me is a super-natural power.

Today at work I was blessed with inspration and good ideas.

I got into a discussion with the guys at work about how having children is going to save our culture. I was able to give practical reasons why this is important and stay objective in the face of strong opinions against this. I was also able to let it stand without having to feel some cnclusion or win the argument.

When I left work I gave the homeless man some spare change. I resisted the impulse to question myself.

Tonight I got angry and yelled at Bobby and later at Ivan. I had to apologize to both of them and ease their discomfort.

Corrective Measures
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Tomorrow I will defend my kids from me
Tomorrow I will look for an opportunity to help someone
Tomorrow I will answer my phone at work and return calls