Last night I had to go to the emergency room for my kidney stone. I had to leave work at three fifteen after enduring the discomfort for an hour. By the time I was halfway home I could barely drive. Walking down the street from my building and driving in my truck I was conscious of other people seeing me grimacing in excrutiating pain. By the time I got home I was buckled over and writhing in agony. I should have just gone straight to the emergency room on the way home but out of stubborn adherence to my plan to stick it out until I got insurance I didn't. Thinking back on this I see again where I need to get quicker to be flexible in order to make better decisions. I also see that I should have gone to the doctor after the attack last week.

I took vicodin for the pain when I got home. I was conserned that I may have been too cavalier about taking a narcotic or that maybe I shouldn't have taken it at all. But when I reviewed my decision later I realized that this was the type of situation that does merit extreme measures. I had this discussion with my sponsor before.

Today I was laying in bed nodding off from the Norco that was prescribed for me and I was thinking about how I don't really like narcotics and how I don't really get high off them and how I don't really like the nodding and the nausea that I was feeling at the time. Then a funny thought crossed my mind; "I want to feel like this all the time!". I almost didn't catch it. I was dozing and the thought seemed to be under the surface of the waterline of consciousness. I stopped and took stock of this thought. Even though I don't like narcotics, the physical allergy was triggered and my addict mind wanted more.

So right now as I write this, I stopped and started to pray for the thought of getting high to be removed. Then I remembered that I have a prayer written for just that purpose. So took a look at it and prayed it and edited it.

Today I found my self being less than gracious to Christie for her faults.
I realized that I have a low grade irritability with the kids.
I even found myself being slightly intolerant with my mom.

Tonight I went to the 5th Bible study of the 6 week course. We had a discussion afterward about what types of courses they are thinking about offering next. I wish they would do a study of the Sunday scripture reading and the daily readings related to Sunday's. Perhaps someday I can help lead something like this. Perhaps someday it can become a Catholic institution that studies of the weekly scriptures be the primary type of Catholic Bible study.

Corrective Measures
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I will strive to grow deeper in patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love.
I will strive to be slower to anger and quicker to show love.
I will strive to be quicker to be flexible and be willing to change direction.
I will focus on learning and being helpful at work rather than surfing and waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
I will be mindful that right now I am under the influence even though it is prescribed. That I am close to relapse right now due to this and also other things that are cutting my addiction therapy short. That even though these things may be necessary and God ordained I am still going to be affected by these circumstances. I cannot take these things for granted, I must take inventory, be accountable and ask God for power, to ensure that relapse will not happen.

Thank God for his Grace.