This morning I only had to work for 3 hours. I left work at 10:30 but then realized that if I stayed downtown I could go to the noon meeting. I went there and was the first one to read. The two paragraphs were so short and they told of a person who was a hobo, so I didn't have anything to share about them. The story started with they guy talking about how he was mistreated as a child. It got me thinking: If my real problem is that I have a spiritual malady, which came first the malady or the alcoholic, they chicken or the egg?

I had something to share about it but the chairperson wrapped up the meeting after we went around once. I thought that I should have shared during "burning desire" time. I think I might remember that I might drink if I don't share.

This afternoon I did some much needed cleaning in the garage. I also played outside with the kids on their bikes. My son and I played Hacky Washers.

Tonight My wife took my son and my neice to "First Night Austin", the New Years Eve celebration. I stayed home alone with the kids. I feel resentful that I can barely handle it and I have bad allergies and I can't seem to get caught up with the cleaning. ***Selfish

I am grateful that my wife and kids are having a great time.
I am grateful that my kids have a good chance at life.
I am grateful that we have a loving home ad good times.
I am grateful that I had another year sober and a spiritual awakening.
I am grateful for a loving God who redeemed me.

I am grateful for the best year of my life and the best one to come.

We had a good day today. I got the boys up on time and we went to Church in good spirits. Today was the Feast Day of the Holy Family. I thought it especially fitting since the focus of my 4th step last night was family relations.

Last night My sponsor spent a long time with me on my piece of inventory. He was very thorough with me on my 3rd column and he pointed out some things that were additional insights that added to my own perspective. It was just what I needed. Then he pressed me in some additional areas that I didn't really think were necessary.

By the time we looked at where I was to blame, I felt we had already taken an excessively long time on just one resentment. Again he added a little to my own perspective but then he pressed me on some additional things that I thought exceeded the scope of the work we needed to do. By the time he dug what he wanted out of me we had gone full circle to what I had already seen in the work I did by myself prior to meeting with him.

Then he tried to work with me on what he felt he suspected was a long term lack of surrender. At this point I had become so discordant that I almost missed the most important thing he had to offer.

I thought about it today and reconsidered what he told me that he suspected. I need to persevere to grow in spiritual vitality. I need to grow to be able to withstand these types of spiritual assaults. I failed not because it was just one too many and I fell short as anyone else would. But I failed because I was not fit to handle it.

This morning got off to a good start. I got up with the kids and we had breakfast. I did some cleaning, set up my son's new video game and I played physically with all three kids.

At midmorning my wife woke up and got angry with our middle son (the austistic one) for playing with a toy she is trying to sell. I was asleep so she blamed me for not preventing it. The toys had actually been out since the night before and I didn't even know she was selling them. I argued back and she really started yelling at me. I got so angry that I yelled at her and then I threw a toy through a window, breaking the glass.

I had to do a 4th step and meet with my sponsor tonight.

Otherwise it was a great day.

I got to go to a meeting. The topic was from the family afterward about using our dark past as an asset to help others. Their was awkward silence as it was a difficult topic for people to share. I was able to help open it up even though I didn't all that much like sharing.

The topic was synchronous with what I needed to hear because I had been thinking that I didn't want to do family night with my wife anymore. The topic was also synchronous with the Daily Reflection today which was about the "Joy of Good Living" through Step 12.

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow today.

It was a busy and productive day at work today.
I got to have a nice little breakfast at work.
I got to talk to a couple of guys about spirituality in conversations about the Tibetan Book of The Dead.
I had to deal with some difficult challenges with customers but it helped me grow in understanding.
I got to do some service work for the meeting schedule at lunch by speaking to rep of a church where a meeting used to be held.

At times i was afraid of my financial situation.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting tonight.
I got to share about "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde".
I got to speak to a sponsee.
I got to speak to my sponsor.
I got to give Blind Dave a ride home and have a good talk about things.

It was another Best Day of my life.

This morning I woke up feeling very bad that I had a sore throat. I was afraid I was going to be sick and miserable at work. I woke up too late to eat breakfast but I strove not to think myself into a bad morning. At work I found a muffin and some raisins. I took some medicine that was in my bag.

By midday I forgot that I had felt sick and I was never hungry or lacking energy all morning.

Today I got a phone call from our contact at the treatment center about speaking at Family Night with my wife.

Today the remaining tension from the resentment I had with a coworker lifted.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.

I got to do some service work for the CA website.

I got an email from my old coworkers.

I got to play some good table tennis matches.

This evening my wife and I worked together to get the kids bathed so she could go to her meeting. I tried to keep a cheerful spirit and be prepared to get to bed early.

The kids helped me clean up and all was peaceful and easy going.

I got a call from an addict just coming back from a relapse and offered him encouragement without judgement or self-righteousness.

I should call more of my friends.

Last night I referred to internal housekeeping. I remembered that yesterday at some time I thought of an analogy of cleaning house and internal Feng Shui. I thought of this in the sense of a tidy and well composed internal self as the key to wellness.

Today I felt some despondence over our financial situation. We had a financial crisis and i felt worse. I read today's reading from "Daily Reflections" and it referred to practicing the principles in all our affairs in the sense of remaining at peace in difficult times. This evening I had to borrow money from a friend who offered... again. I was not happy about it but he does it in the spirit if Christ. I too must deny myself and take it in the same spirit. It was awkward and uncomfortable but I did it for my family. I found some solace in the thought that we will be prosperous in teh future and be able to pay him back. Or pass it on.

Today at work their was a time when everyone gathered near me and were laughing and talking about their weekend while I was working. They were gathered around the guy who I had a recent resentment with. The talked about gossip and self-centered experiences and events. They made fun of parents, religious people, children and addicts. I felt a little separated. I persevered working with a free spirit and I joined them in a laugh or two.

Tonight my wife got angry with me about something small. I had to resist fighting even though I thought I was in the right. She apologized later.

I am most grateful for peace today.

Today our family took a trip to visit my Father-in-law and his wife. I originally didn't approve of the trip because I didn't think it was practical to try and take all our kids on a 2 hour drive and try to handle them at my in-law's house. I tried not to fight with my wife about it even though she had misconceptions about why I didn't want to go. In the end I went and we had a great trip.

We had a great time even though it wasn't easy and it wasn't perfect. We kept our Christmas tradition of taking a trip.

I never got irritated with anyone or anything. We shared some great conversation about life, love, kids, family and God.

I take that back, I remember my wife reminding me to keep the Christmas spirit some time before we left but I don't remember what for.

Once again I am too tired to remember all my internal housecleaning and inspiration today.

At some point during the day today I felt like I am just making time until my kids are independent. - selfish

Our kids got to open their parent's gifts tonight.

I could have been kinder and more forgiving today.

We took the kids to Mass tonight but it was extremely difficult.

The priest called all the kids to the altar and my wife went. By the time my wife and kids got up their they had all got settled and started. I cringed as my daughter who was too young went up there and then cried. But she stopped right away and the Fr. James was kind and joked with her. My kids were beautiful and it was a precious moment that will be a very important memory in their spiritual formation.

Today I thought about the Christmas Spirit. The thought started with something someone said when I was in a conflict with someone yesterday. A guy said "Where's the Christmas Spirit, guys?".

When I inventoried that situation I had to practice Sacrifice and Forgiveness. I thought about what Christmas means. It is the celebration of the gift of Christ. Humanity received the gift of God walking a lifetime as a man to be crucified. He sacrificed Him Self for us so that we could be forgiven for our sins.

This is the Gift I must reciprocate to others. I must be willing to sacrifice my will and to forgive others so that God's will may be done. In doing so I receive sanity, peace, power and happiness.

In studying Step 12 this month I see the synchronicity of this step with the Christmas Spirit. Having received the gift of spiritual awakening I must sacrifice my self in carrying the message to others and practice forgiveness in all my affairs.

Today someone took the wrong meaning from something I said and spouted off about it. Rather than say something to me directly he sent a reply all email to everyone at work and made sure to talk to everyone about it all day. I spoke to him right away and told him that I didn't mean it the way he took it. But it didn't matter, he stuck to his perception.

My mind began to go over some solid rebuttals and defensive actions. I felt that I could have put up a great fight and made him look bad.

But I had to stop it. I had to resist the train that started rolling in my head. I had to clench my teeth and pray for God to save me from being angry.

I had to look at the fact that I was disturbed. I wanted to keep going as if I was just making objective arguments and was not angry but I knew inside that it was not true. I was faced with looking at what part of my basic instinct was aroused.

I knew immediately that my anger was a defense, that I was really afraid.

My ambitions were threatened, I wanted things to go a certain way and they did not.
My security was threatened, I could be evaluated poorly at my job.
My personal relations felt threatened, people could perceive me as difficult to get along with.

I started the ball rolling by being cavalier in my choice of words.

Not only do I need to resist my desire to hate but I need to look at the person as a friend and forgive his transgression.

I got to go to a meeting at noon and it was the last part of Acceptance is The Key.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Tonight I was very tired and my wife got angry with me for not doing much.

Thank God for a process to find acceptance, grace, and peace of mind.

Today I thought more about humility being the key to acceptance, surrender, honesty and willingness. Pride, willfullness, delusion and denial are the obstacles. The root cause of these is fear.

Tonight I got very angry about my wife going out to an evening meeting and the house is a mess.

I had to pray for God to remove my anger.

My son read this lat line over my shoulder. He advised me that I should always close my review with a thank you to God for a good day. He added that if I didn't have a good day that I should just thank God for THIS day.

I also just recalled that the doorbell ring as I was thinking about how old I am and can't sustain these long days. As my son and I opened the door a UPS truck was pulling away. There was a package at the door. I remarked about how late they were working. A feeling came over me that these long days are my job.

Thank you God for a good day and for acceptance.

Today I got to go to a meeting at noon. The reading continued in the story "Acceptance was the Key". I realized the teller was speaking of an inner acceptance in step 1. That the "admission" was not just facing the facts, but truly conceding in the innermost self that he was an alcoholic and surrendering.

This evening I got to speak to a relative dealing with an addict in her life. I was able to advise her to seek help for herself.

Yesterday at noon I got to a meeting. The reading was from the story "acceptance was his key to success". I read about how he blamed every thing else for his drinking except himself. About how he came to accept that he had a disease.

I thought about this alot all day and into today. About how important it is to "ADMIT" that we are powerless. About how it is more than a simple admission. That to "admit' is to let in the truth. About how this is a deep admission, a full concession in my innermost self. It occured to me that perhaps humility is the key to removing the obstacles to this acceptance. It also occured to me that pride and ego are my obstacles to this. I looke at this like a peice of inventory and identified the obtacles. Rather than just pray for willingness perhaps I can pray for the removal of pride and ego that block me from power.

Maybe this can be formulated into a prayer that I might share with newcomers seeking acceptance.

God,
Please remove the things that keep me from seeing the truth about myself.
Please remove the ego and pride that block me from your power.
Please remove my fears that are the root cause of my problem.
Please remove my self-reliance that I may come to rely on You.
Please God, grant me the willingness to be willing to be willing.
Amen

Today my wife had a dead battery and I had to come home from work. On the way home
I kept the radio off in the truck while I was thinking about this. I was moved suddenly to turn the radio on. Father Corapi was talking about humility. He said that humility is not something that he can produce. He said that he is incapable. He said that he has to pray for this and that the Holy spirit grants him that which he is not capable of.

Yesterday evening I found out that I had accidentally turned the emergency shutoff valve to my neighbor's house the night before. Her water was off all day and night and she had to call out a plumber. I had to go talk to her and pay her for the fee. I was remoreseful about the financial loss

The flip side of this was that she was very nice about it and expressed gratitude that it wasn't a busted pipe. We had a long talk about this and other things and she never mention the dead cat that we thought she was angry about.

Last night I had a dream that I was at rehab and had written pages about all of my problems and about a lot of recovery virtues like setting goals and relapse prevention. But when I read the paper on powerlessness I only had one line and it trailed off as I got distracted. This reiterated to me how I have to focus on what's really important and not on my circumstances.

I had persistent remorse about the financial loss but my wife helped me keep perspective on it. I prayed for God to remove my fear and I talked to someone about it.

I had a good day today despite some snafus and another day of cough and sneezing. I won at table tennis and work was productive.

This evening I wa so tired I had to crash at 7:30 but I woke up for a little while to do this review.

This morning I woke up late and I didn't sleep well with Christie being out late last night and with the cold I had.

I was resentful towards her.

I tried to let it go and not to stress about making it to Church on time. We made it and we made it on time. I took the boys for donuts afterward.

At midday I felt sick and exhausted. My wife ran some errands after she went to the 11 o'clock mass. By the time she came home I was resentful again.

This afternoon I had to fix a plumbing problem and I couldn't get the water turned off. My wife and I got into an argument over it.

She eventually called a friend and he helped me figure it out and get it fixed late this evening. I'm glad it didn't cost us a lot.

I must make an act of contrition for being resentful too many times today and make amends to my wife.

The last 48 hours have been outstanding.

Last night Christie and I went to our company dinner. I went there with a lightweight heart. Sometime recently I lost my fear of what people would think of me and my wife. I am just now realizing that I had this fear/resentment and didn't consciously examine it. But however it happened it worked. I went there and had a great time without worrying what people thought about me and not being able to drink and about what they thought about her. And I was proud of my wife for her poise, grace and intelligence. And I was able to appreciate her levity, openness and irreverent humor even though these things have always been the subject of my fault-finding of her. Most of all I was grateful to be who WE are.

I am also grateful that God's power has removed the obsession to drink from. I watched a lot of drinking and never once missed it or thought it looked like a good idea.

God blessed us with a Christmas bonus from my employer.

Today I got to watch the Celebration of the Advent Solemn Mass of Our Lady by Candlelight (The “Rorate” Mass)this morning.

Christie went to try and get some Hanna Montana tickets for resale and I got irritable. Tonight I made amends.

Bobby and I went to a birthday party for his friend today at the bowling alley. I got to have a good time with the kid's father who is a good friend that I hold in high regard. I worked with him in my previous career.

Bobby bowled 3 spares and a strike in his first time ever to bowl. In his second game he bowled a 97 (with bumpers).

Bobby and I went shopping for shoes and then visited my building at work. Bobby was very impressed with the height and then we played ping pong.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting at Stepping Stones.

I wasn't going to write tonight but when I decided to do so my ears started ringing like a tuning fork.

This morning I was running late and feeling discontent because I was so hungry and I didn't have time to eat. My son was harassing me to feed him so I did. As I was packing my lunch and getting ready I could hear him feasting on the bowl of cereal. I could hear him chomping and slurping while I was starving. As I was rushing to get everything done and get on the road I felt sorry for myself. Then my son started harassing me for seconds. He acted like he was starving and I had already fed him.

I realized then that that is how I am. God provides me with such great abundance. I get to eat well every day. I get to eat at my job if I want to. I really don't have to wait very long anyway even if I miss breakfast. Yet I cry out like I've haven't been fed in ages. I stopped and gave my son his seconds and went on my way.

In the morning a friend stopped by like he always does. He talked about the things he always does. He talked about the wrongs of people, institutions and the world. He talked about how he hates this time of the year. That everyone's edgier and pushier and drives ruder. I thought about how grateful I was to not have to live in that state anymore.

I thought about how I have a process and a power to deal with the feelings that get me in that state of mind. I wondered if I should try to help him and tell him this. I stopped and asked for guidance. The thought came that I should back away from trying to give him advice. The thought came to thank him for making me aware that I should not get too caught up in the events and tasks that I will have to do this season. That I not become one of those pushy people that bother him.

I realized that by demonstrating the act of self-examination that I may have helped in the best way possible.

I got to go to a meeting at noon. It was step 4 out of the Twelve and Twelve again. I spoke about the discussion I had with my friend last night about how I can get in an ambiguous state of "practicing the principles" and forget about taking the actions. About how I can get in a mode of practicing virtues and AA cliches rather than than practicing the mechanics of the steps. That I cannot sustain virtuous living very long if I do not focus on self-examination and de-construction of my emotional disturbances.

I was grateful to once again focus on the process of step 4 and the salient point that I must seek power to resolve the disturbance within me not outside of me.

As I was walking out of the meeting, a guy offered me a ticket to the AA Anniversary celebration. I felt so bad because I turned it down and I whispered to him that I didn't a babysitter.

It was another perfectly busy day but not stressful.

A started a conversation at work about a news story that the new Cardinal from Texas was in town at a luncheon. My atheist co-worker started going on about not trusting men who are (or say) they are celibate. I took up the challenge and asked why. This led to a lively dialog where he seemed to throw out dogmatic statements that he thought were going to be the last word. He seemed to be confused by responses that were well thought out. At times he would rebut with unrelated statements and go off on tangents.

On the way home I got a call from a friend. He said he had weird dreams about doing depraved things but being a hero in doing them. I don't know where this came from but I spoke to him about the deceptive nature of the enemy. About how he may be seeing the true nature of a spiritual attack. In the past we would have been seduced by the idea that we were doing good while being depraved.

Tonight we lit Advent candles and said prayers together as a family.

Thank you Lord for another day of life and experience.

This morning I was late so I skipped breakfast. I don't usually do this, I'm one of those people to whom breakfast is the most important meal and I don't feel complete without it. So I thought about this and decided to skip it when I got to work and make it a mini fast.

I was grateful to think about reading the Daily Scriptures this morning.

I thought this evening about assigning my sponsees to read Daily Reflections for the new year. I called one and it was his birthday.

Tonight I had to stick to my new plan not to go to meetings at night anymore. When I came home tonight my wife was angry about the whole deal and said that someone had told her that we should give up our keys to the clubsince we aren't going to go to meetings anymore. I was resentful that she jumped to conclusions about what I meant without talking to me about it. I was resentful that she told someone about it before we made time to talk to me about it.

I talked to a fried tonight who said he is not really going to meetings right now just going to church. He said he is practicing the principles. He said he is going to the church under the bridge. He said that he gets more presence of God from under the bridge than in Catholic Church. He said this in a way that he presumed me to automatically concur with him.

I had a good talk with my friend about how I can get focused on practicing the principles and not on practicing the program. That I can begin to run on autopilot and begin focusing on virtues rather than practices. That I can begin to focus on being good rather than on being with God.

I wasn't so good with my wife, but I wasn't so bad. I reacted a little but I made amends quickly and looked at my reaction as a disturbance within. It doesn't matter what she did or what anyone thinks I just have to stay close to God.

This morning I watched the rosary and followed along with a real rosary in my hand.

I got to watch the Pope conduct a ceremony at the statue of The Visitation in Celebration of The Feast of The Visitation.

I wrote a piece about dogmas today, I am still working on it.

I got angry with my wife for yelling at my son. She lost her cool then I lost my cool.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. The topic was about raising the bottom.

I'm still sick with a cold.

Yesterday evening I was so sick with allergies that I wasn't able to do my review written. We had my parents over for dinner and visiting, then we had to bath the kids and clean up and I was just too exhausted to anything except pass out.

Today I was still not well but woke up just enough to make it to work and be ok. At noon I got to go to an AA meeting.

Tonight I got to go to the CA meeting. It was a speaker meeting. The speaker was Magic from Houston. Magic carried a good message. He was like me in that he was an awkward speaker at times and he would get mixed up in the lines from the Big Book but you could realy tell that he knew it inside and out and was on point with what he meant. His pirituality was crude but you could really see that he worked a good program and is a good sponsor.

Today at lunch I went to a meeting. On the walk back to work I was taking in all the people and places downtown, the weather was beautiful, I felt alert and productive, and it felt great to be alive. I enjoyed the moment and was grateful to be back to normal.

Tonight I had a group conscience. I was looking forward to the meeting before it but couldn't make it in time. I was glad I decided to go to the meeting at lunch.

I had to talk to my wife about some friends. I ask God to forgive me if I have judged anyone.

Today's readings from the mass included my favorite psalm, psalm 23.

Though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death I shall fear no evil, for you are at my side, With your rod and your staff that give me courage.

Another "Best Day Ever".

This evening on the way home I heard a discussion of Pope Benedict's latest encyclicle. In it he posits that we should take our daily disturbances to Christ and give them to him on the cross. He said this is a tradition that we have lost but we should consider re-viving. I thought that this sounded a lot like an evening review.

This brings up some thoughts I had today of some things I shared in meetings about my religion that I felt needed to be finished. At the treatment center the other day I was asked about what my spirituality. I shared some things in a general way but then maybe got too specific. Then I thought I didn't when I thought of what I really wanted to say. I said I was Catholic and I raise my kids that way. but it was an incomplete thought. The reason I wanted to say it was to point out that i made a spiritual journey and it led me back to my traditional faith. And that we have a faith filled home. I also said something confusing about reason. What I wanted to say was that I was able to find faith that stood up to reason. That reason led me to faith not away from it when I did it with an open mind.

At the meeting last night I said that recently I read that the teaching of my Church says that I am saved the minute I ask to be saved. But I still have to deal with the temporal consequences of sin. That's why I still have to do the work of inventory, prayer, amends, practicing principles and working with other addicts and alcoholics. That the balance of Church and 12 step fellowship is found in that statement. That I must go to Church and enlarge my spiritual life but my lay work must be in the 12 step rooms.

Today I went back to wok and I was very busy. I had a few moments of worry over missing work. Tonight as I review I remember my corrective measure from last night that i mustn't losing that job.

Today I was too sick to go to work but was much better thn the last 3 days.

In the morning I was sore, tired and had a some minor anxiety spells. I was also depressed and afraid for missing work.

Going forward I have to stay in the moment and be grateful that I have a job that gives me time off when I am sick. I have to work with what God gives me in health and trust that my performance will be measured by my work.

I have to remember that it is just a job and that God takes care of everything.

This afternoon I was much better. My wife encouraged me to walk to school to pick up my son and help him collect acorns for his science project. I let him play for a while with his friends at the park then we started home. We found many more types of acorns than I expected and we were able to write him up a great science project tonight. I enjoyed our time together, these are memories that I will cherish.

Tonight my wife encouraged me to go to a meeting. I was so concerned (afraid) of making it to work tomorrow that I was not going to go but I changed my mind at the last minute. I realized that I was not trusting God and that I might actually sleep better.

I am grateful because it was a good meeting.

I woke up from a dream about a near affair with a hairstylist. I had to work to resist the temptation to dwell in the allure of the dream. Fortunately she disappeared in the dream but I had to ask God to remove that feeling and direct my feelings to my wife and to being a husband and a father.

Today was another difficult day but better.

I didn't have the shakes or anxiety attacks anymore but I was really worn out, tired and down. I slept most of the morning and felt bad about missing most of the day. I also had the feelings I used to have when I was using and would lose days.

I felt very bad for missing Mass on the first Sunday of Advent but I did try to watch it on TV and got through to the Gospel before falling asleep. I heard the rest in my sleep as it stayed on.

I did get in my morning prayers as soon as I woke up so I feel good about that.

I enjoyed watching football with my 7 year old son today again.

I made phone calls tonight to the persons who called me while I was down. One in particular was a friend who said I came up in their morning meditation. She had a lot of experience with the pain meds and I was thankful that I was able to talk to someone about it.

Today was a write-off day but at least I felt human again.

Last night i didn't write about what I was realy going through. I was going through DT's from the pain meds I had been on from my surgery. I have been hesitant to write about this because I was afraid that it would not be a good thing to share but I think now it has to be.

What do we addicts do when faced with medical conditions that don't give us options in taking medication. I think we need to share with each other that we will have to face these challenges.

I did see that I mae a mistake when I didn't get the surgery right away.

Too tired to write anymore but grateful this behind me.

I woke up tired and sick feeling this morning.

I barely hung in there at work and wanted to go home several times.

I was afraid when we interviewed a prospect for a coworker and I was the only one who had anything critical to say.'

I felt afraid when I didn't call someone back at the end of the day.

I felt dissillusioned with the world as I walked down the street to my truck.

I struggled with tiredness, shaking, sneezing, coughing, and tremors at home.

I felt afraid that I wasn't helping my wife enough and laying in bed.

I felt best when I did have to get up and help with th ekids even though it was very hard.

Regardless of all this I still felt grateful to have a rich spiritual life and a purposeful life.

I wanted to cry watching Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer with my son.

My ears just started ringing,

Hello God...

Today was a really great day.

It was hard.

I had to surrender several times.

It wasn't easy and I didn't have time to think about it but I just had to resist fighting and managing.

I got to rearrange my schedule and take a longer lunch and go to a meeting at noon. I am grateful for my job. The topic was step three out of the 12 x 12. I got to re-form my conception of what it means to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I was able to share about it and hear what God needed me to hear.

After work I got to go speak at a treatment center about my family in recovery at family night. I have never been so grateful in my life. I got choked up when I tried to speak about how my wife's recovery helped protect her and my son from me.

A few people asked questions and I didn't get too caught up in the details. In the brief moments of solitude that I had today I practiced telling my storied and this really helped when it came time to do it. I surrendered and prayed before I went there when I was in the parking garage after work.

Tonight I had a lot of phone calls to get caught up on and I didn't want to make them. I had to surrender again and remember that helping others is the foundation stone of my recovery.

what a day.

Tonight we are in a financial crisis. The income shortage we have been averting for a long time has finally caught up with us. We don't have enough money for our bills and we are behind on the mortgage.

My wife and I got into an argument about it but then cooled off and made amends. However I am worried about her as she doesn't seem to be able to do anything with her fear. I believe the only solution is going to be for her to work but I have to back off and let her come to this conclusion. We talked about it the other night and she has objections that she has to work through. I shouldn't try to manage her decision.

Tomorrow I go speak at a treatment center on family night. I am grateful but as I go through my story in my mind I realize just how unprepared I am. I need to work on it some more.

Tonight I got several phone calls from people in the fellowship that I couldn't take because I had my hands full. when I think about how people share in meetings about how important it is that people pick up the phone when they call I feel resentful because I can't do it all the time. As a matter of fact I rarely can answer it and I have a hard time finding time to call them back. I feel like everyone else has no idea what how hard it is to attend to 4 kids, a wife, a job, car, house, bills, laundry, cleaning, service commitments, meetings, classes, etc. to attend to and find time to talk to them about their feelings.

I am grateful that my surgery has healed and the pain has subsided.

I need to remember that we have been here before and that God has always provided.

Yesterday morning I had my kidney stone surgery. On the way to the operating room I got that creepy feeling like I was going to the execution chamber. I kept thinking about when was going to be my last conscious moment and would I know it.

Today I suddenly remembered that I didn't go under right away. I remember that I was conscious for 2-3 minutes. I started talking to the people in the operating room and telling them how good I felt. I had a few moments where I was really flying high and maybe I told them I was a dope head getting a freebie. I almost felt like I was singing. Maybe it was just a dream.

I woke up in startling pain as they didn't have me on any pain killer meds. I was out of there in a short time and was really hurting when I came how. Urinating was excrutiating. It felt like I was pissing razor blades and glass. It was real bloody and clotted. My steady pain ended abruptly in the afternoon and the worst pain urinating ended today.

I thought all day about finishing my blog on self-righteous anger but never got a chance. I dreamed all day about getting my time at night after the kids went to bed. But when I finally got the time my wife came in an interrupted me with stuff she wanted to talk about and needed me to do. I was frustrated and resentful.
I never got to do my evening review either.

Today I got to go to work a half day. I was backlogged with work and very busy but felt productive and felt again like I am becoming knowledgeable about our system.

I had a lot of financial fear today. My wife and I argued about our finances and I had that desperate feeling of taking drastic measures. I wanted to make demands of her but I held back. I prayed for God to save me from being angry.

Yesterday we were asked to substitute for my sponsor and his wife to speak at a treatment center. Today we were called by our counselor friend to speak at another treatment center Thursday night. I felt resentful that I don't think we can find babysitting. It isn't my Mom's fault but I just get frustrated at the circumstances and feel like no one understands what it's like for us.

Despite my frustrations I feel extremely grateful right now for all that God has done for me and my family. I am grateful for my health, our livelyhood, my wife and kids, our fellowship and my job.

Today started out like my last 3, kind of down. But I got going got the kids fed and the boys and I went to Church.

Last night my wife and I decided to do Church in 2 shifts so that we aren't trying to handle the baby and 2 toddlers. I worked very well.

Today was the feast of Christ The King. The priest spoke about the Power of God in his sermon. I was grateful that I got the chance to watch the early mass on EWTN and then to hear Fr. Barry's sermon. When we got home I also watched the mass from Rome as they were have a special Con-benediction of some newly ordained Cardinals. It was a magnificent ceremony that really emphasized the idea of the Church as a kingdom. I felt a part of something greater than governements, politics, and secular organizations.

I got really tired and started feeling sick and fell asleep. I fell asleep for a long time and had wierd dreams. I woke up several times and felt sick with a scratchy throat and seemed to be sinking into a depression over getting sick and not being able to wake up.

I woke up refreshed and inspired. It felt like a real miracle of healing. I was very grateful to feel like my confusion and low spot had passed.

We had a great little dinner and when my wife went to her meeting I sat the kids at the table with a picture of Jesus the King and Mary Queen of The Angels. We read the pamphlet for the kids from Church and each one had their own to color and do the puzzles.

I talked to them of how God's Power works in our lives to provide us with meaning, purpose well-being, guidance and Love for each other. I read the Scripture readings with my oldest son and we talked about when we will be together in Heaven.

Last night I had a weird long dream of a post-apoclyptic world in which I was trapped in a building that had a secret elevator to different floors and different worlds and different times. There was a lot of gang war, violence, sex, drugs and general depravity on each floor.

My journey seemed to be to try and get back to the floor that was my paradise lost. Sometimes when I would get off on a floor I got the feeling I would be lost there for years struggling to try find the hidden elevator again. I ran into many trials, people and mysteries that were obstacles to finding the elevator. There was a lot of temption, frustration and times when I wanted to give up.

In the end I never fell into using or depravity on any of the floors.

Tomorrow I go into surgery. I got a call from a friend who told me that he and others prayed for me that my sobriety not be affected by the event. I put the boys to bed and went and did some things that needed to be done. When I came back to say prayers with them my oldest son said he had prayed to God for me. I was very proud.

Another "Best Day Ever".

Today during the day I was thinking about last night's meeting topic again. I still felt dissapoined at not sharing about it but took consolation in the fact that I did 12th step sharing both before and after the meeting on a one-on-one basis with several guys. I realized at some point that I also was never quite clear in my cenception of this topic. I felt compelled to think it through and write about it.

At several times during the day I tried to write about it but just kept getting interrupted and distracted and even when I focused I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I started several trains of thought and had to throw them away and start over. I felt baffled and confused.

Late in the afternoon I got a call from someone in need of counsel. I spoke to him for a long time and was astonished at how I was able to concieve and express thoughts about everything he was struglling with. I was able to share my experience, perspective and point him back to the process over and over. One of the things he talked to me about was sometimes not being able to share in meetings. I shared with him that there was a process for that too, that I always make it a point that if I don't get to share for whatever reason that I stay and share with someone after the meeting. Invariably someone finds me that needed to hear something I had to say or that says something I needed to hear. I told him that this is 12th step work. At the end he thanked me for picking up the phone and said he just really needed someone to talk to that moment.

I went back to my writing and continued to be baffled but at least I knew that I wasn't baffled about everything.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting even though I know she would rather me stay home and help her. The meeting topic was step 12 and doing 12th step work in meetings.

I never got to share on the topic but I did some 12th step sharing after the meeting.

I also thought about how my wife had the insight to encourage me to go even though it went against her desires and needs. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the benefits of her program because of my self-righteousness. But if it weren't for the fact that she has a program of her own then she wouldn't be aware that I need to stay connected to my fellowship right now especially in light of what is going on this week with my surgery.

Today was very busy from the start. Christie was out all night at the doorbusters sale so she had to sleep in. Two of the kids were sick. I did a lot of spring tyep cleaning and reorganizing. I had computer problems with the main one and the laptop. When Christie came home I had to set up the kid's new computer. Throughout all of this I managed to stay grateful and not get resentful. However, by the end of the day I felt isolated and withdrawn.

I went to a meeting and the topic was "Isn't he a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well".

I thought right away that this topic was relevant to me today. But I never could quite compose my thoughts about it enough to share. I felt really confused about it because it seems that I have a lot of experience and knowledge about this topic but couldn't seem to apprehend it.

Before and after the meeting I had the same feeling I had at home, that I was constantly being demanded to speak to someone. There were a couple of guys that asked me to work with them and several guys that needed to talk. One guy even seemed to get resentful because we got interrupted twice.

Despite my confusion and lack of sharing I still felt better after the meeting and was grateful that I got to go.

Today was a great day of Thanksgiving. I saw a program this morning that described the early history of the holiday and how it was mostly a religious holiday that centered around Church and prayer. Perhaps next year I will try to better focus on the spiritual aspect of the holiday.

We had a great feast at noon and I got to say our thanksgiving Grace. I was a little disappointed that my dad and brother in law were late. Nevertheless they did come and we had a great time talking , laughing and watching football.

My brother also came to visit and I didn't think he looked too good.

My dad stayed much of the day and we had a long talk. The talk didn't quite go where I wanted as I wanted to talk about how I wish he could return to being the spiritual leader of our family. I had to find acceptance that God arranges for us to talk about what he needs us to talk about. Perhaps I will get the chance tomorrow.

Tonight my wife is camping out for doorbuster sales. I had to resist being judgemental or resentful about this.

I thought some more about sharing about God or Jesus in meetings and took another look at my ideas about this last night. I think my point number two may be less important than the simple fact that the chapter is about changing our conception of God or finding the willingness to believe. It has to boil down to the simple fact that God is the power that we are lacking. I need not get into any theology at this point whether I am a believer or not, I simply have to try and set aside my old ideas which are causing me to be prejudiced. This applies to the believer or the non-believer. I need not talk about who I think God is but rather how I humbled myself to set aside my old ideas and become open to this new conception of him as The Power.

I also forgot about how bringing my theology into the rooms opens the door for others to do so. This could lead to a debate about theology.

I ask God to help me stay objective, open minded and tolerant about this.

This year I am thankful for willingness to pursue a spiritual life, for a beautiful family and for security amid financial shortcomings. I am thankful for continued sobriety, good friends and for a re-constructed ability to enjoy the good things in life.

Thank you Lord Jesus.

I am grateful to have a good job and that I got to get out of work early today.

I had a busy morning at work and felt like it was an exceptionally productive day.

I got to play some great games of table tennis. Thi might not seem like an important thing to journal but in doing so I get to appreciate the recreational time that God blesses me with and I bring this to account when I whine about nit getting to do anything fun.

I found and got started on a budget form today. I shared this with my wife and she reacted resentfully. I must watch my expectations of her. I had to resist being judgemental toward her.

This afternoon I had to spend $300 on tires that we didn't expect to have to spend. Later we found out that we had to pay $300 or my surgery on Monday. This meant that my wife would not be able to fund her resale plans for the post Thanksgiving Day sales. I felt guilty at first about the timing of the tire purchase but my tires were dangerously bald and I figured God must have meant it to happen that way. She was dissapointed and had to try to find acceptance.

Later in the afternoon I remembered that we had a gun to sell. I suggested it to her and she thought it was a great idea but didn't expect to get anything for it. She took it to the gun shop and Mr. Mcbride gave her $300 for it.

Not a coincidence.

Tonight at our Big Book study we read the second half of page 53 to the end of the chapter. 2 - 3 paragraphs were devoted to the idea that we relied to heavily on reason. One of the things that really appeals to me is the idea presented elsewhere in the chapter that faith stands the test of reason. So in thinking about this I had to wonder if it meant that reason was a bad thing.

I realized that the reading is pointing us to the fundemental idea of God within us which is not based on reason but rather is a psychological or spiritual archetype. Also, what it is talking about is TOO MUCH reliance on reason not reason per se. In fact we are encouraged to use our reasoning powers toward finding faith.

At some point I found myself getting slightly resentful at persons repeatedly sharing that their God was Jesus Christ. I thought to myself, why am I resentful about that when I am a believer? I thought that what I heard sounded very vain somehow but I couldn't quite place how.

First of all I need to take my own inventory. I have to make sure that I ask God to remove whatever resentment I have and to practice love and tolerance. I have to see that my basic instinct to fear how the meeting is perceived by the newcomer or how I think it should go is what leads me to be resentful. So in looking at this I must not try to correct anyone or think I am going to shape how anyone but me shares.

Now that that's out of the way I can look at the concept objectively for my own formation.

I believe that for me to call God Jesus if I am not going to talk about the Gospel is taking the Lord's name in vain. I might just be trying to impress the other Christians rather than trying to do His will. If it were His will that we make sure to proselytize in meetings then perhaps step 2 would have said came to believe in Jesus.

That doesn't mean that I don't think Jesus is God. But if I call Him Jesus then I should be speaking of His condescencion, His parabels, His sacrifice on the cross, or His resurrection. In other words I must be speaking of his nature, not just the idea of "a" God.

I think the reasons are three fold. One because I am speaking to persons early in spiritual formation who have poor ideas of God. If I can't explain the nature of Jesus then they are defining Jesus as the god that they conceive based on their own ideas.

Two, It's also like I am choosing to call Him by a name rather than accepting when He chooses to go by a name. When Moses asked God his name he simply said "I Am" not my name is Jesus. God chose to be called Jesus when he came down as The Man.

Three, If I say "Jesus" vainly and repeatedly then I may simply deter the person who is still under the influence of their prejudice and obstinacy. I could be doing more harm than good. Experience shows this to be true most of the time and it certainly was for me.

I could be wrong about this but I respect the experience of the founders and I am confident in my own faith and my willingness to evangelize when Jesus Christ wills it.

Tomorrow is the day we give thanks.

Last night I was very tired and distracted when I tried to do my review. Tonight I am in much better spirits. It's quiet now the kids all went to bed and my wife hasn't gotten back from her meeting yet.

Tonight I got resentful that I had to clean up. My thought was "Is it really too much to ask that the woman of this house keep it tidy?!". I'm sure this is self-centered and inconsiderate but I'm not feelin' it now. However, I am aware and fully believe that it isn't the thing that's important. What is important is that I have this disturbance within me. I need to be rid of it and then find forgiveness.

God, please remove this fear of losing time to mundane chores. Help me to see what's really important and to quit relying on my own perspective of time lost. Please remove my fault-finding and intolerance. Please help me to be grateful that my wife does so much for me and the kids and that I have a home to clean up.

Today I had this eager feeling that I am about to do great things. That I am going to be involved in something important and fulfilling. That I enjoy life today and don't dread making it through the day.

A guy at work got a call from a friend out of state friday night who said she had a premonition that he needed her help. At the time that she called he was at the emergency room with his daughter who had come down with an excrutiating pain. He believes that it is coincidence and that people who want to believe these things see what they want to believe.

I believe in the concept of synchronicity and I think my feelings today are true.

This morning I had to do a review for 2 days. It was a long weekend and I wasn't able to do it both nights. Surprisingly after doing it I felt great and had a great day. I was very busy at work but had time to play several table tennis matches and do some needed errands.

This evening I couldn't wait to get home to the family. I chose coming home over going to a meeting.

Our time together was good and fruitful as we played outside in the back yard then I led my oldest son through a religious learning game on line and I did the same with a toddler game for the little ones. My wife was able to run some errands and I did some important work at home.

Friday night my wife had 2 kids sleep over. - resentful

Saturday we had a birthday party. We were extremely busy and I had to stay home with the baby. My wife asked me if my sister in law could borrow my truck in front of her. - resentful

I talked to my sponsor on the phone about his medical condition. He is going through a lot, he was in the hospital for 10 days and had 6 inches of his intestines removed. I felt really bad because I didn't go visit him in the hospital. He told me that a lot of members of his family were present the day of his surgery. He said about 125 people came to visit him. He was really grateful for the support of the fellowship. He called me as a way to be accountable. I was honored to be considered part of his circle of accountability.

I learned some more from this about my self-centeredness. I haven't ever cared abou tothers enough to visit them in the hospital. I also was so estranged from close friendships before that I don't know how to be a good friend. I was at the Doctor nearby the day of his surgery but I didn't think it would be appropriate to visit. I know for the future that it is never a bad time to visit a friend.

My son was grateful for my wife's effort to give him a great party.

My Dad said he met one of my friends who thought highly of me.

In the afternoon I spent time with my parents. My wife left to go do somne returns and errands. - resentful

I worked on myy fellowship web forum.

My wife and I watched a late movie which made a great impression on me.

Sunday morning I read the scripture reading with my wife. She asked an important question, what does "the Lord of hosts" mean.

Sunday at church was both rewarding and extremely difficult. The kids started out sitting well in their seats but went nuts toward the end. My wife took kid #3 and gave her a spanking in the bathroom that everyone heard. She was behaved afterward.

Sunday I was very tired and had sveral naps that I was remorseful about. I forgot that the pain meds make me drowsy.

We watched football and had a great time.

My wife had events that evening. - resentful

I was too tired to do my journalling and went to bed very early.

Today I had self-centered doubts about our Christmas party.

During our meeting at work the topic of a drug testing policy came up. The discussion that ensued really codified the misconceptions of normies for me.

Tonight I had to stay home to help my wife with a sleepover of my son's friends. I was at first resentful that I wanted to go to a meeting but then I realized just how exhausted I was so it was probably for the best anyway.

I took the opportunity to do some servant service work.

This afternoon I had some thoughts about the disease and the steps. I hope I can bring them to mind. I will stop and pray to try to re-ideate them.

Recovery hinges on my willingness to have my thoughts and desires re-directed by a new source, God. I must come to realize that my will was previously directed by a flawed source, me.

This is not just the pivotus of recovery for the addict but also of conversion for the human being.

The first 3 steps, ego deflation, epipheny and conviction are what all people experience when they have a spiritual awakening.

hhmmm....

Tonight I had some low grade resentment while I was watching the kids.

Tonight I talked to my sponsor's wife about his condition.

Tonight I spoke to my sponsee going throught the work.

I had a productive day at work.

Today was my son's 7th birthday

This morning I got off to a good start.

I had a decent day at work but had small fears crop up. At some point I remembered that I don't have to depend on that job for my serenity.

I remembered today that I was so self-centered yesterday that I forgot that my wife went to the doctor yesterday for a possible lump. Everything turned out ok, she got a clean bill of health. For this and all she does and who she is, I am grateful.

This brought to mind that with Thanksgiving coming up it is time for me to start my yearly gratitude list.

This evening I got to go to the book study meeting.

When I came home I got to do some service work.

Last night I had to set aside my will and make amends to my wife. I didn't want to turn over my resentment to God. I felt justified but I knew what I had to do. I bit the bulloet and did it. I wanted to take the easy way out and just keep it between me and God. But I knew it was selfish to send my wife to bed with that problem. It was very relieving to get it done. The result was very rewarding.

Today was a good day. I went to the doctor and scheduled my surgery. I had a productive day of personal growth at work.

I went to the noon meeting and again was called on to read to early into the meeting and I didn't have anything to share. But I went away feeling as though I had help contribute to a small meeting.

Tonight I am trying to finish this review with the baby drying.

This morning I had a really hard time waking up and I had to skip breakfast. I remember having some kind of crazy dreams last night.

At noon I went to a meeting. It is a book study and I sat in the place to be the first to read. I got up and moved so I wouldn't be first but the chair started backwards so I was anyway. The story was good on page 345 or so but i was just brain dead and didn't have anythinbg to share on it. I felt bad about this.

The day was not bad at work.

My wife had a really hard day with the kids so I stayed home with the kids tonight. Late tonight a shelf full of heavy books almost fell on the baby. I got angry and want to blame my wife and tell her to stop doing her projects and focus on this house. I remember how angry I got this weekend and wanted to smash all her ebay stuff.

Tonight an episode of Intervention was on and a mother said she felt like they were on the tracks headed for a train wreck. She slumped to the ground and exclaimed that she didn't didn't have any answers for their problems. The Dad was the addict and they had three kids. The son tearfully said that when dad make promises that things would get better that e just had to tune it out.

I think back to the reading today and how the story teller talked about how she and her loved ones didn't have any answers either. She spoke of learning about the disease in treatment and about how the clinical descriptions of the disease ddin't give her an answer to the riddle of alcoholism either. I thought back to the times when I was baffled and defeated and the first glimmer of hope was when I heard the practical cconcept of the disease that solved the riddle and laid out a solution for me.

Today I just have to have the willingness to turn over my will so I may stay sane.

Last night I had a pretty serious using dream. I was trying and trying to use but I couldn't seem to get it going. I was on some adventure out in the woods on the road, in towns with old honkytonks. I found someone's stash that was hidden and I made off with it. It was a large amount and it was very rocky and very potent. The vividness and strength of desire of the dream tell me there is a great spiritual disturbance within me.

This morning I got off to a rocky start. We got up fairly early but then after feeding the kids and myself and getting them cleaned up, I got real tired and passed out. I bickered with my wife a little and it went downhill from there. Later my son started having a meltdown and I had to punish him. We were late getting to Church and by that time my wife and I were griping at each other and very angry. I was thinking of all these ultimatums I would give her.

At the beginning of the mass, Father James said some words about letting go of our concerns and conflicts and worries of the week and day and to focus on our relationship with God. He reminded us of how Jesus sacrificed Himself for us and that we are responsible for our own sin and we should forgive others. He and the Mass and God helped us both forgive each other by the time we gave the sign of peace.

The rest of the day was outstanding. I worked on a flyer for the event next week and on an email blast. I got the house all cleaned up and had a very peaceful afternoon while the kids and wife went to a birthday party. I spoke to a sponsee and watched a football game.

In the evening I opened and locked up the club for the meeting. I got to hear a homily on the radio for today's scripture reading.

I should make amends to my wife for this morning.

Last night I was up late doing stepwork with a guy at the club. He had his inventory prepared and we talked about the principles of the inventories and we looked at a couple of items in each inventory. I was able to get him from 4 to 7 in a couple of hours.

This caused me to be late to bed and not get in an evening review. Today I thought again that I have been missing way too many reviews. I also observed that lately I've been having a lot of thoughts of cutting down on my sobriety activities. I also noticed that an attitude has crept into me that perhaps I have been making sobriey too big of an issue in my life and that I should devote more thought life and time to the other more normal aspects of my life.

Today I went to my fellowship's area meeting with this attitude. On the way I thought about how I should drop the gsr position I hold. I thought about what a hassle it seemed to have to draft a report for my servant position and how mad my wife got about that she has to endure another day alone with the kids. When I left the meeting I had a complete change of attitude. I saw how so many new people are willing to step p but there still aren't enough people doing the work of supporting the area. I saw how much of a contribution I can make and how much it helps our newest members even though I still feel inexperienced. I felt renewed in my enthusiasm.

When I got home my wife was in good spirits. We had a great dinner and I stayed home and let her go shopping. She told me what a great day that she and the kids had. We all watched the UT game and jump and yelled and sang and acted crazy.

Next week our area is having a Unity Event at a campground on the Guadalupe River. I just found out that the first day we have a birthday party and the second day my wife has a fundraiser. I pray to find acceptance and not blame anyone if I can't go.

My sponsor and brother in Christ is in the hospital with a serious intestinal condition and infection. I pray that he gets through this and doesn't have too much pain and is restored to health.

Grateful

Today I got off to a rough start. I fell asleep trying to meditate and I never got very far praying. This is the 3rd time this week. This served to reaffirm that I can't be doing things on weeknights.

Today at work was not too bad but it was very busy all day and I struggled to keep up my energy and focus.

Tonight I was dragging and feeling some self pity for not being able to make the special speaker meeting tonight that had the guy from Houston.

I look forward to a good night's sleep and a new start tomorrow.

Last night I didn't do a review because I passed out before 8:30. I actually passed out after dinner for an hour and then was still exhausted when I bathed the kids, fed them snacks, cleaned up, wiped their butts, prayed with them and fought with them to go to bed.

I really need to get more disciplined about my sleep because then I miss my stepwork. This morning and all week my morning prayer has been nominal at best. I lose site of how drastic I must change things to get to work at 7:00 and still maintain a spiritual life.

Tonight I chaired the Appropriate Action group conscience. I pissed some people off. I presented an idea for discussion that was met with skepticism and resistance. My idea was what if that group could get one of the weekend time slots. It wasn't a motion just an idea to see what people thought.

Tonight I looked at my motives and realized I forgot what it really is. It is that I can't serve on a weeknight. I will need to step down from that position.

This morning I thought I heard a friend of mine call in to a radion program. I didn't have my cell phone at the time, I forgot it at home. So I called him when I got home tonight. He was in the worst kind of powerlessness over some personal issues. I talked to him for a little while and tried to be helpful. Since I wasn't expecting this I didn't have anything premeditated. However I was astounded at how much insight came to me about his situation. It seemed to me that he didn't really find my words helpful except to be able to talk about it and be supported by a friend. But this was another one of those times where I witnessed that thoughts came to mind that didn't really come from me. If they didn't help him they sure helped me.

Today when speaking to a customer I was a little perturbed and I felt pressued to give answers that I was ubcertain about. I need to let go of this fear and answer honestly next time.

I felt really good to be off the narcotic painkiller again today. I wasn't tired or depressed and I never got sleepy even though I had a really hard time getting up and completely missed breakfast. The day went by very steadily and I was busy and productive all day. I felt industrious, insightful and productive all day.

I called my guy going through the steps right now. I thought about step one, step 11 and the resentment inventory today.

Today we really struggled at church with Ivan and Eva. Fortunately we got up very early, were well prepared and I had watched the mass. So I didn't have to get angry for not being able to hear the homily. Today's Gospel was the story of Zacchaeus. A bishop from Africa gave the Homily. He had a booming voice and had an accent which sounded like a melodic verse. He laid out some profound observations about the story. Later we spoke as a family about the story and we sang the song all day.

Christie and I set aside our differences from last night and had a good day.

Tonight our meeting topic was page 20 - 21. Before the meeting I was having thoughts that I should change my approach to recovery. That I shouldn't devote so much of my time and thought life to it. The reading tonight seemed synchronous with my mental state. I made some observations in my share and some more afterwards about what those pages tell me:

• The markers of the disease. The observations that one can make that apply to a pathological condition that explains why I behave the way I do. How I and society were oblivious to this understanding and thus were baffled by my actions.
  *I wish I would have recalled the similarity that this has to what I encountered with Ivan's autism and how I was oblivious to his disorder until the markers were pointed out to me.
• The Mr. Hyde factor. The realization that another entity took over my mind under the influence of the obsession. And that I was not in control of my actions no matter how bad it harmed me, the ones I love and the things I valued.
• The observations that give substance and weight to the grave nature of my condition.
• The model of progression of the symptoms and the points of no return; the deadly milestones.

I am grateful that I went tonight because the importance of my recovery activities was reinforced.

Today I had to pause a few times and wait before speaking angrily.
Today I switched to a non-narcotic painkiller.
I got some yardwork done that was really bothering me.
I worked on our home rules some.

This morning I saw the squatter from the roof across the street on the street corner as I walked to get some tacos. We made eye contact and he acted as if he wanted to approach me but I avoided him. I realized that I have judged him and I should stop and pray for him instead.

Today I got the opportunity to express my faith a little with someone that I didn't expect to.

Tonight I got to go to a speaker meeting. The speaker was a guy that I turned down to sponsor. At the time I was honestly overbooked. I had several guys going through the work so I hooked him up with another guy who I was encouraging to be a sponsor. That guy relapsed.

So as he got started I was feeling bad for turning him down again. But when his current sponsor introduced him and he told the story about how they hooked up I knew it was God's will.

The baby's crying so it must be God's will for me to end with that.

This morning I woke up very late and was not ready at all. I simply persevered, tried not to let myself get too agitated and made it to work just a little late. It all ended up ok even though my emotions were trying tell me it was terrible.

At mid-morning I went down the street to get some breakfast tacos. As I went around the corner I saw a guy straining to see someone walking down the street. He was looking at a girl in tiny black shorts, a very short midriffs and a baton under a garter. She looked like a stripper still in her Halloween costume. I speculated that she was just ending her party from last night and maybe got stuck somewhere downtown. She didn't look too happy and was having to walk alone in front of some very menacing looking characters. There were other little synchronicities in the next few minutes like a guy talking to another behind me at the restaurant that the party's over and something else I didn't recall that made grateful I don't have to end up in those situation anymore.

I got to go to the noon meeting downtown at lunch. The reading was the second part of step 12 in the 12 x 12. It sure seemed like a synchronous event that a meeting was this topic again. It was easy to share about it as a recent meeting I went to was on the same topic and I later was meditating about it.

Tonight my wife got angry at me and the kids and I had to practice the principles at home. I had to resist fighting with her or putting expectations on her and just try to be kind, tolerant and forgiving. I had to set a boundary of not arguing.

Tonight I am irritated because it's late and I can't get to this review. I am just trying to turn from my anger at my wife and pray for it to be removed right now. It's not her fault but my mind wants to blame her for going shopping and leaving me with the kids last night after her meeting and then for dragging her feet getting the kids to bed tonight.

No matter what the circumstances the disturbance is within me. I can only affect what is in me. I can't or shouldn't do anything about her. I am dragging yesterdays baggage into this moment and it is making it worse. I am hyper-irritable because of my nature as a dis-ordered spirit.

All this observation is helpful but isn't the source of my relief. The bottom line is I must access God's power to transform me within. I am absolutely certain of this power.

Last night I didn't get to do my review. Right now I am very concerned about being disciplined about this work and am valuing it highly. Perhaps too much so. Last night I was by myself with the kids and bent on getting the kids to bed and getting to my review. Then my 3 year old started throwing up. He vomited all over himself in his bed. Then just as I was finishing cleaning it up he vomited and choked on it in our bed.

This set me back so far that it was midnight before I knew it and I just had to go to bed.

I thank God that he is ok and that he was just sick from eting too much cheese. I also thank God that he has a great mother who took good care of him this morning.

But I am still selfish I am still thinking mostly of myself.

At noon I got to go to a meeting.

I can hear the baby and her mother so I must end this and go help. Today was a good day. I got to do Halloween with the kids and my son was able to have a great time.

Last night I had one of my demon animal dreams. I was dreaming I was on a quest. I was coming down a mountain, across a dark valley through a forest, over a river to an ancient ruin. As I entered the grounds I approached a gate and sensed that I was in imminent danger. At that moment I began to fly by faith. I also sensed the intercession of a saint got me off the ground somehow. As I flew over the gate and courtyard I looked down and saw a sleeping brown bear. The bear woke up and saw me and started to follow me on they ground, I watched it mesmerised somehow by it's harmlessness.

Just as I realized it was leaping for me I felt time moving slower for me than the bear. The bear had turned into a white polar bear with huge teeth and long claws. I panicked as I realised I was much lower than I thought but it was too late. A huge clawed arm swung at me and I closed my eyes, jerked for the pain and prayed frantically. I felt the swoosh of motion but no pain. I opened my eyes to see that I had moved 3 times higher and out of the bear's reach.

I moved into a room and felt like I was safe. A man in a flannel shirt approached me faintly from across the room. I began to remember that I couldn't trust the situation and I needed to get moving fast to the next door. Just then the man drew closer and I noticed how large and menacing he was. I realized he was the size of the bear. I was too far away from the door. The wall and the bear both suddenly rushed closer and I was jerked through the door by an angel.

These dreams are always an indicator of a spiritual disturbance in me. In looking at where this may be coming from I always first look at the vital spiritual practices and where I may be lapsing. To cut to the chase, I don't see any gaps. What is clear is that I am exposed to the physical allergy because of the medication I'm taking. I don't have any conscience desire to use, but the obsession must be having a field day in my subconscious.

I got a call this afternoon from an atheist friend of mind. We got caught up on things and got into a lively discussion about faith. I let him know that these talks strengthen me in the foundation of my belief and my ability to communicate with those who are struggling with their faith. I might not convince him but I might help someone who is trying to believe. I was grateful to be able to speak to him from a practical perspective and be willing to put faith to the test of reason.

I heard from a brother of mine in Christ tonight. His story about giving served to exhort me to give more selflessly when I feel the Spirit move me.

Tonight my sponsor called me and asked me to stay accountable with him on a daily basis about my medication. I let him know I am taking as little as possible.

I went to a meeting even though I think I will be tired in the morning. A guy that I didn't recognized called me by name and remembered me from our childhood, he is a newcomer. A guy in the meeting shared that he is getting glimpses of feeling human again. I got to speak to a guy that I a taking through the work and we set an appointment for Friday.

The meeting was very powerful.

This morning I found myself getting resentful at my wife for running late. I blamed it on her overdoing the eents with the kids. I started to think about how this always affects us and our ability to maintain our lives. I had to stop the blamestorming than began to ensue in my mind.

At church I found myself being fault finding with her and my son for going to the bathroom during mass. Particularly right in the middle of important rites. When it came time to give each other a sign of peace she noticed that I seemed irritated. After the mass I made amends and explained that I was having trouble making peace with myself. This is true because I was experiencing excessive anger over something that I merely needed to talk to them objectively about later. I was feeling the need to correct them immediately and with malice.

The interesting thing about this was that the readings and homily were about real contrition, humility and devotion as being the way to God and not self-righteous legalism and judgement of others.

I think I will stop right now and make a better amends.

Last night I didn't write inventory because I kept trying to do it and getting interrupted and I finally just got so resentful and was exhausted and I couldn't do it.

Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.

I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).

Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.

This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.

While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.

But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.

Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:

• Fault-Finding is to be avoided like the plague
• Blame should be eliminated from my vocabulary
• I must be Long Tempered since I have a short fuse

Practicing the principles means that I should do whatever I can to avoid having to make amends. I should not see the principles as a license to go about fighting with people and then doing inventory and amends. I should practice the principals of a spiritually awakened person and take inventory to avoid harming others.

Corrective Measures
----------------------------------------------------
I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs

Yesterday I thought I may have passed the kidney stone but I'm not certain. I didn't take any medication today. I felt progressively worse, less energy, loss of focus, inability to concentrate and finally exhausted this evening. I think I'm feeling pain but I can't say for sure. I'm afraid the pain is going to have to get suddenly severe like last time before I can be sure.

Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.

I did ok helping customers today.

On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.

Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.

Today was another "Best day of my life".

Corrective Measures
------------------------------------
I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.

I got to help a friend today with the experience of working through marital issues.

I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.

I felt my initiative to help others come back today.

I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.

My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.

Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------
I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.

I must think of others more.

Tonight I really felt the strain of not being able to focus on one train of thought at a time. I almost don't even care about my own desires, just to be able to carry through my duties and the requests of my wife an kids without being haranged by another and another. This is probably morbid reflection, self pity and selfishness.

Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.

As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.

Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.

Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection

10/23/07 8:00 AM

Yesterday when I got off of work I was exhausted. All I could think about was going to sleep. At home I cooked dinner, got the kids fed, did some cleaning and started to get ready for a meeting. I figured I couldn't make it without a power nap. I laid down at 6:45 and never woke up until 11:50. I went back to bed and slept until the morning and I still had a hard time getting going. I never did an evening review that's why I'm doing it this morning.

The day yesterday was a bit of a down day. I had to catch my slight depression a couple of times during the day. When I did, I sought gratitude and it worked.

At one point in particular I was walking down the street and felt as if I were being sucked into a whirlpool of self pity. I prayed for return of inspired thinking and the thought of well-being through helping others came to mind. I looked around at the people I saw and thought of their suffering and prayed for them. The change I felt was immediate. I felt like I was in a new world. I looked around with a new set of eyes and a new heart and felt joy in my life again.

As I returned home the thought came to mind of the BB quote "who was I to say there is no God?" And a recent inspiration that I haven't thought through came back to mind. I related this to the idea of contempt prior to investigation. I thought of my poor skepticism in light of the limited scope of my research and knowledge on the subject. I thought of my recent observation of the volatile feelings that arise when we talk of spiritual matters with those who don't believe.

I don't remember much of the specific nature of my shortcomings yesterday but I do remember being feeling down and seeking renewal. Sometimes I was slow to act so I could do this better today.

I also didn't call the doctor like I should have so I should do this today.

Last night I was resentful at Christie for getting angry with the baby and the kids every time they woke her up. I was selfish because I didn't consider how many times she had to get up with the baby overnight. I selpt real good while she had to get up every 2 hours, make a bottle, fed the baby and burp her til she was ready to go back to sleep.

This morning I felt frustrated when our middle child wanted his special cup with water which I had just given to little sister with milk. I had to stop my brainstorm and try to be flexible and consider the best solution might be to start over. I washed and switched out cups and everybody was happy. This isn't a big deal except that i considered it a lesson going forward.

I will try to stop when agitated or doubtful and try to be flexible.

Today in reflecting back on the convention I remembered a couple of times when women crossed the boundary of platonic friendliness and acted in a way that offered more. I realized that I haven't been inventorying this and I need to make sure not to ignore it.

This evening I yelled at the kids a couple of times. Once for pouring out half a can of coffee and another time for talking too much.

Christie got frustrated with the church staff today for the chaos in the balcony and for the lack of childcare. I had to resist the impulse to take her inventory and try to fix her inability to focus.

This morning before church I went out on the deck in the springlike morning and had a cup of coffee and studied the scripture readings for the mass.

Fr. James spoke of celebrating All Saints Day and All Hallows Eve and not just celebrating the secular Halloween.

This afternoon Bobby Jr. and I watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings. I reflected how empty a life based on sports scores is. This evening I spent time outside with the kids.

The past few days I've been in regular contact with my sponsor

Corrective measures
--------------------------------------------
I must not yell at the kids in anger

Last night I was afraid of the effects of the pain medication for my kidney stone. This morning I realized I was taking the wrong dose, I was taking too much. Today I felt much better taking the correct dose but I felt tired. I think I might be feeling withdrawal. Or I just might have been tired from a very busy week.

I felt the kidney stone several times today but it still didn't come out.

This morning Christie went and told her Co-Anon story at the CA convention. I was very proud of her and listened to it tonight on CD. I took care of the kids with my Mom's help. Every thing went fine and I never yelled at the kids or got resentful to have to take care of them.

Today I got to speak to my newest sponsee about the progress of his inventory work.

This evening I got to go to the convention. At a couple of times I had to watch myself for taking other people's inventory.

I went to a marathon meeting on the 10th step daily inventory.

What I can do better tomorrow
-----------------------------------------
I can plan something special for the kids to do.
I can ...

Today I got into a discussion with a coworker about belief in God. I was inspired with an analogy of God and Government. I'm too tired to write about it now but will do so int the SCS blog. During our discussion I had to pray to steady my emotions.

This afternoon the scta website went down due to the bill not getting paid. I was verydistraught as people were trying to look there for convention information. Again I had to turn to God sanity and guidance. I was able to take appropriate action and get it back up.

I got to go to the convention

Tonight I helped Christie with her story.

I got to speak to Eddie

I woke up on time today and made it to work early.

I was a little resentful at work that there was some gossip about a person who got a dui and missed some days due to jail.

I got to go to the noon AA meeting. I got to meet some more people there including another guy at his very first AA mtg. We read step 11 and tradition 11 in the 12x12. I got to share my experience with one of my favorite steps. About how I learned to think about God in a different way. That I needed to think of God as power to restore, transform, sustain and transform me. About how prayer and meditation were the way that I connect to that power. I would like to make arrangements to be able to take more time to go to the whole meeting or stay later.

I did better at returning calls from sponsees and friends today. I stopped in and saw Rudy after work. I was very happy to hear from my friend Eddie who's moved away. I got to talk to Andy.

What I can do better tomorrow
----------------------------------------------
I can focus more on work at work
I can try to reach ot to people more

This morning I found an AA meeting downtown at noon, 2 blocks from my job. There was a guy there for his very first AA meeting. He was very troubled at having lost his kids. he talked about how his daughter encouraged him to get sober.

Today I finally went to the doctor for my kidney stone. He found it, gave me a diagnosis and prescription. Hopefully I won 't have to have surgery.

Tonight I had to make a decision about going to a meeting or getting to bed on time and doing an evening review. Last night i went to my last Bible study. The past 3 nights I have been late getting to bed. The last 3 mornings I have had trouble getting up and this morning didn't have time to pray.

I hear AA speakers say that if you don't find shortcomings in your day then you aren't doing a thorough review. I agree about being thorough but sometimes I think that digging for the slightest imperfections on good days is like looking the gift horse in the mouth. It's like not being grateful for God's grace.

I know that I am not perfect but when I don't find major points of resentment, fear, dishonesty, or selfishness. I don't think I need to nitpick my day to death. I think there is enough merit in what good things happen and areas that can be improved even though I don't find character defects cropping up. Maybe that's it. I have been limiting myself to corrective measures when "what I could do better" also encompasses improving effectiveness even on good days.

Corrective Measures/What I can do better
----------------------------------------------------------------
I can call more people in my fellowship
I can grow in patience with my family
I can be a better example of a person of faith
I can be more enthusiastic about sponsoring

This morning I woke up so tired that it hurt. I had to restrain myself from blaming Christie. I had to see that my wellness was threatened. This was where my blamestorm came from. I sought gratitude for a good wife as my remedy. I resolved to see that I am responsible for my sleep but that my pain would pass and the time with her last night was worth it.

Today I criticized her for spending money on portraits of Eva when she sent me an email with links to the pictures. When I came home I apologized and enjoyed the pictures with her. I let my financial fear come between us. I looked at how I haven't done anything to use our resources to take portraits.

This evening Christie had to help a couple through a difficult problem. Their child was harming them in his addiction and they had to call the police and conront him. They also needed help with kids. I was very proud of her for helping them. We got to share our experience with them together.

Tonight we shared the scripture study on psalm 22 from my last class. It is a scripture about tests of our faith in times of suffering. It was synchronous with the evening's events. We prayed together before bed. I was too tired to do this review but woke up later with the baby.

When I have hardship I will strive to see that I will come out stronger in faith in the end.
I will remember the desparation I felt in my suffering and continue to serve the Lord effectively in gratitude and joy.

Tonight I experienced one of the frequent things that frustrates me today. Several times I had an inspired sequence of thoughts that I wanted to follow through and to write about but I was interrupted by a family need.

This afternoon we all had a great time playing in the back yard. I stayed home with the family since I was very late getting to sleep last night. This brings up a recurring dilemma I have of whether to go to meetings or stay home with the family. I am too tired to write about it. I had lots of thoughts about it earlier but I am worn out andbrain dead now.

We all had a good morning waking up early and getting off to a good start. I felt tired after the work we did yesterday and from being sick. I had a moment where I almost went into fear mode but after a little nap I woke up refreshed and we made it to church early.

We had a good experience there. There was no daycare so Ivan had to sit with us. He hasn't sat through mass with us more than once or twice and his learning delay makes it a potential disaster but it went realy well. The kids all did good and Christie and I finished out the morning feeling very optimistic about the progress of our family.

During the day Christie blurted out some gripes about some things Bobby and I did and it got me thinking about some rules for behavior in our home.

Today I did some long term cleaning and cleaned up some of my wifes stuff. I couldn't help but go into fault finding mode as I was very frustrated with the clutter and highly motivated to clean it now.

Again I thought about rules and realized that we don't have any clearly defined house rules.

My parents came over this afternoon and we all had a great time watching the Dallas game, eating Pollo Regio, and visiting.

My Failings Today
-----------------------------------------------------
I was fault finding of Christie
I was inconsiderate with her stuff
I was short with Bobby

Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------------
I should apologize to Christie for the trouble I have caused her by cleaning up and being inconsiderate of where I put her stuff.
I must be very obective about how I present my ideas for the house rules to her and restrain myself no matter how she reacts.
I must continue to work at treating the kids with respect and sensitivity and restrain my anger.